I can’t express how glad I am that someone put in the work to create these spaces for women! You guys are amazing.
I’m 26 and very newly married to my (27) beta husband. Trp clicked right away when I found mrp and even though the locker room talk can be a lot, I got straight away what they were saying and how I’ve been trying to articulate what’s been going on in my relationship.
My story:
So me and my husband have been married for a year and because we never had sex before marriage (upholding my socialized values so please don’t call me stupid , I know what I did wrong) now it seems to be the deal breaker for ME. The roles have changed and I am now the gatekeeper of commitment and he’s offering me an open marriage so we can stay in this platonic marriage (which makes no sense to me because I can get a man to love me and want to have sex with me and provide for me).
He has had a lot of trauma from an unavailable mother and I’m sure other sexual trauma that he wouldn’t fully open about . He doesn’t really like to talk about things that are intimate. He has a fear of I intimacy I think. So no talk about why he thinks it’s okay to not give me sex in the marriage and no coming up with a plan. He wants us to just be happy and stay together and not have conflict on things like this.
I am a very focused and hard working woman so I have been doing the work in the relationship to try to find the right fix that accommodates for my needs while being the best wife to him. He desires me no more than a friend at this point because he told me jerking off and having sex yield the same results for him, one is just more taxing than the other so he would rather not bother me about it. He also doesn’t want to hear me complain our lack of sex. At this point I’m ready to leave but he’s been hurt so many times in life I hate to be another added tally.
He loves me and has committed to me for a long time before I was even anything worth committing to. I am curious about what other women have done or would do.
Essentially he is everything I want in a committed man but it is just a platonic thing and I’m starting to crave wanting more in my life and I’m so used to working for what I need I feel like a wall is in front of me…I can only leave.
purple_pansy88 1y ago
If your marriage hasn't been consummated you can actually annul it.
When I was in my teens I dated a young man who was very sex averse and wanted to wait until marriage and I found out he was gay. That's always a risk. We live in a culture where sex outside of marriage is the norm and where there are few to no social consequences as a result. There is going to be something up with a lot of people who may want to use waiting until marriage as an excuse to hide deeper issues. There are definitely some very strict Christians or Muslims who will wait until marriage but unfortunately for some people it can just be an excuse.
If I were you I would give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't deliver I would annul the marriage.
[deleted]
rphelpneeded 1y ago
Let me know when you’re done projecting
TheSameDuck8000Times 1y ago
You have though, haven't you. That's a thing.
KombuchaEnema 1y ago
I think you need to offer a (genuine) ultimatum. No open relationship. He can either go to therapy and figure out what’s wrong with his libido, or he can lose you. Those are his two options. Don’t let him fiddle around with one or another. Don’t let him do the whole “well maybe I’ll start therapy” blah blah blah.
He either goes to therapy or it’s a divorce. And while he goes to therapy I would still get your ducks in a row.
Divorce is bad but being in a dead bedroom is even worse. And it was wrong of him to string you along knowing he’s (most likely) asexual.
You’re only going to get older. Don’t waste your prime years on a man with no sex drive.
Ace_warriors 1y ago
Being asexual has nothing to do with libido (: depression, trauma and medications (etc.) has
rphelpneeded 1y ago
That’s the thing I had in mind because I’m so detached from the whole thing. I’m still tryin to be his woman and give him the respect he needs but he is not a doer. So it’s nag or hope he’s doing it. He doesn’t want to do couples therapy yet but he wants to do individual therapy. I told him that’s fine but I won’t find him a therapist because if he doesn’t want to do the work for it, I’m not forcing him to.
I feel like issuing an ultimatum will just force his hand (and he’s always given in to my demands) and quiet honestly I’m tired of calling the shots. I’m giving him another year because this marriage is providing me residency in his country ( I’m north American and he’s European) and I would hate to ruin my chances of staying here since I started building a life and making friends here. But if he doesn’t fix it I will leave even if that means I have to go back home and start all over again
rhfjyfniokkhd 1y ago
I think you need to think seriously about where you want to live and once you decide that, go from there. Marriage and citizenship is complicated. Be aware, you might be eligible for a form of European citizenship if you have a grandparent who is a citizen.
q150236 1y ago
My bf said this to me when we talked about some serious things(trauma childhood): “it might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix it.” ——————————————————————————— It sounds like he’s ok to live with no intimacy, but that’s him, not you. It won’t work if one side is compromised for the other side. It might work in short term, but long relationship only happens when both side invests on each other. Have a conversation with your husband and be honest with him, let him know that you understand his situation, but being able to physically feel him is very important to you.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
I’m at the end with it. I’m tired of forcing him to take actions in his own hands. It’s like every time I bring it up I ruin HIS day. Im so drained from it I’m just going to figure it out on my own since he doesn’t want to with me
Yung4Yrs 1y ago
All major, mainline religions and philosophies agree that marriage partners have a physical responsibility to each other. If for example you were married in an evangelical Christian church, you would normally have had pre-marital counseling with the pastor. I don't know any pastors who would not be explicit with stating this and making sure you both understood. Your husband says he doesn't want to hear you complain about the lack of sex, he is saying to you, "I get to completely renege on our marriage vows and you get zero say in the matter." In any state in the USA that still enforces the need for a fault to be proved to get a court to grant a divorce, your situation would be an automatic yes because it's so obvious. You need to understand this at a baseline in your heart and mind. Your husband has a deep seated psychological problem. You want to feel sorry for him? Okay do. I feel sorry for him too. BUT, he knew he was this way the night he said his wedding vows and he lied to you.
Now you raise other issues all around. These are all of lesser importance. You can make your own decisions based on what is important to you. It is likely your husband is suffering from a "Taboo" deep in his subconscious put there in his childhood. You can study up on this, and you can counsel w/pastors, psychologists, etc., you can check his testosterone, yada yada. It is HIGHLY unlikely he will change. Anyone who chooses to stay in your situation is killing their spirit by inches. What you need here more than anything else is respect for your own person. Respect with integrity. Once you finally decide in favor of that, your way forward will be very clear to you.
ThorsdaySaturnday 1y ago
Set an intimacy date. Works for some people. You can make it a thing, twice weekly, every other day, whatever you and he feels is reasonable. Are you saying that nothing you do, flirting, dressing sexy, inspires any kind of desire in him?
JKSBV96 1y ago
It's Madonna - whore complex... it's an epidemic st this point
Empyrean_Truth 1y ago
Sorry, this isn't going to work.
He's not even what I would call a beta personality... your husband just seems... spineless.
You are not responsible for nourishing his life to the fullest. His therapy should've came far before your marriage if he was even capable of taking life into his own hands and the fact you had to tell him "I wont find you a therapist" is bizarre.
If hes hurt thats fine; but saying "I dont want to hear about our lack of sex" is sad. He's not taking any level of self improvement seriously and it seems evident to me that he is more interested in victimhood than championing his destiny.
I recommend moving on.
P.S. You seem highly accomplished and he shouldn't be making demands of you from the standpoint of a victim or seeking your pity/sympathy. You're a wonderful woman. If he needs a maxim to keep himself going after you are gone, let it be this one:
"I'm not where I want to be yet, what do I need to be doing differently?"
saddensgirl 1y ago
I feel for you. My question is, have you ever had sex? Has the marriage actually been consummated? If yes, there may be hope as long as he stops using porn as a substitute for the intimacy he needs to be giving to you his wife, AND he goes to personal therapy to deal with his own issues.
If not, I would look into other streams for citizenship and talk to a divorce lawyer because what you have is a sham of a marriage. If you are just best friends with no sex, then you're not living as husband and wife. You're living as roommates.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
Yes we have had sex multiple of times but it’s very sporadic and random. He says only things on his timeline turn him on (random porn on Reddit/Twitter/ Instagram ) and that triggers his masturbating.
I am also very attractive and he used to be obsessed with me when I wasn’t putting out .
Johanngr1986 1y ago
Why is he a “beta” in your eyes? All man can become traumatized from their childhood experiences. Sure, we are not as talkative about, but we are all emotional creatures
rphelpneeded 1y ago
He literally has no emotions because he wasn’t taught or allowed to express them. He is very good at masking it because he is really good at reading social cues. I’ve known him for 7 years and it’s not something you figure out until you live with a person
rammerplex 1y ago
He has you, but wants an open marriage.
With who is he going to spend time with other than you?
Why does he think this is a good idea? Why would you allow him to split his attention between you and some other women? He is married to you, that is the end of his play time.
So, no. Just no.
VasiliyZaitzev 1y ago
It seems he is 'negotiating' to keep her in his life. He likes her as a spouse but wants her to go get her ya-yas somewhere else but still be his wife. This is, ofc, not really tenable over time.
sunglasses90 1y ago
I feel bad for him. Obviously he has some issues going on, but he needed to tell you about these issues before marriage. He knows he’s asexual or maybe gay? He should’ve been more open about that and not dump it on you after the fact.
Talk to him. Tell him all of the good things you love about him and how you pictured this marriage and then let him know where things are failing. Give him a chance to actually fix the issues. But ultimately, I really doubt it is fixable. You married someone that you didn’t actually know.
CompetitiveGoat7200 1y ago
I would defiantly suggest going to see a sex therapist to help find a way that both of you can discuss your sexual health. You are already on track for the long haul as you two are best friends. That's the secret to a long healthy marriage. To me the whole jerking off vs sex says to me he has classic dopamine addiction. He gets off more to the fantasies on the internet than genuine human interaction. His trauma seems to involve shame around sex, Maybe try to meet him someplace in the middle? Tell him you want to jill off together, watch each-other masturbate, make it fun for the both of you. For both needs to be met there needs to be a bit of compromise someplace, and if he is the one carrying the trauma burden and your the strong one pulling him along you will need to get behind him and push him to the front to gain any confidence in himself in your relationship.
TrueStorms 1y ago
What will happen when you want kids? I’d get out.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
I’ve been hesitant about kids the whole whole time so I told him I wanted to wait
TrueStorms 1y ago
Sure but if you decide you want them one day, which is very likely and very common, your situation would not be ideal.
pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
Hi OP and RPW, for some reason we are having issues approving the OPs responses in this thread. We will let it glitch for another little while and then probably try to repost. OP is answering people but you can't see it yet. And OP go ahead and keep answering and we will approve the comments as soon as reddit stops being weird.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
Thank you!
HoneyBee2706 1y ago
If you married after a year of relationship it may be the case he used drugs in the past & is now physically and mentally affected by that, has depression and is on some meds that affect libido, smokes pot [another one] or used to [very common in guys in their 20s to overdo it] or is becoming asexual/very low libido via a combination of these. OR he is sleeping with someone else, OR is just addicted to porn / doesn't get aroused physically without that stimulant.
On another level, if I may ask, are you sporty/physically fit, and take care of yourself and your hygiene?
To sum it up, the fact that he has enough libido to masturbate yet doesn't include you in this sexual behaviour signals there's a chemistry/compatibility issue at hand, stemming from his mind I'd say. Could be porn, low testosterone or just a low level of chemistry/attraction to you. I would think being gay would be last on the list, after him having sex with other women.
In my experience avoidant types usually 'hide' something more than just trauma in terms of their communication style, i.e. he isn't honest about what's going on. You should be able to discuss with him and find out.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
I think it’s because he’s always been like that. We bought came from a ‘no pre material sec’ families and grew up with friends who adhered to the same law. He had sex according to him because that rule didn’t stop him but it’s all one night stands and nothing where he had to be intimate with the girl.
I’m very attractive on todays social scale. I am not sporty but I’m a petite skinny girl that works out very often and I have so many active hobbies which he loves to brag about with his friends. He looks taking me to his friends events especially pool parties. He encouraged me to dress in form fitted clothes so I know it’s nothing to do with my attractiveness and I’m pretty too because that’s why he even started talking to me in the first place I believe .
I’m starting to belive he knows what it is hence why he wants to do therapy without me but it’s really fucked up if he knew and dragged me on cause I find myself asking why did this man ask me to marry him if he didn’t want me. I was never the kind of woman who had marriage at a young age in her agenda, I never had problems with guys chasing me or wanting to be in relationships with me even though I offered no sex. I’m very extroverted and people love being around me! So it’s not like I was needy or ever insecure but being in the marriage and him being so avoidant and distant is changing my whole personal style
HoneyBee2706 1y ago
Hmmmm it may be the 'Mad0nna - wh0re' thing. My partner had something like this going on and still does, to some extent.
In your case it could be that he sees you as the 'pure wife' with whom sex should be a 'sacred' thing bonding you two as spouses, and further down the line, aimed at helping you create life i.e. have children. But this isn't the type of sex / physical thing that gets his d*ck hard.
He doesn't feel satisfied by this, and is perhaps happier with jerking off to porn [or even having ONSs] for his physical release.
A friend of mine's boyfriend is the same, and he told her that in his view, since he was 'raised on porn' i.e. his sexual education and information about sex came from porn only, sex is something men 'do' to women, not an enjoyable and bonding act for both of them. It's a degrading thing for a 'good woman' a man respects, basically. It could be your husband's case, too.
blueberrypanda1 1y ago
Just throwing this out there...do you think he may be interested in men and want to keep you as a beard?
aussiedollface2 1y ago
This is what I thought too
_TheSuperiorMan 1y ago
Suggest he gets his testosterone levels tested. It seems clinically low from what you describe. He sounds depressed. He lacks energy and drive, has no mission and purpose in his life and has no libido. These are symptoms of low T.
At his age, it should be high to the point of being horny every day.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
He doesn’t lack energy. He goes to the gym 4x a week and plays a very cardio intensive sport the other 2 days of the week. He is very active. He just says he’s very content with life and doesn’t care to fuss over things. He goes to work, come home and play his games or talk to me. He goes to the gym and plays his sport. I have no idea why he’s not horny because he also told me sex doesn’t cross his mind as often
oooKenshiooo 1y ago
Dude here.
I lost a ball to cancer, so my t levels are naturally lower than before. Let me tell you from experience that there is a wide gap between the stage where low T affects your libido vs when it affects physical energy. Libido goes out the window way earlier. The way you describe him sounds very similar to me after i had my surgery.
I suggest supplementing with vitamin d3, omega 6 and zinc and pine pollen. Also, he might be overdoing it with the sports.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
He is definitely over doing the sports
Hydrocoded 1y ago
I think that whatever is wrong with him it’s something he either knows and doesn’t want to go through the heartache to face/fix, or it’s something he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to go through the heartache to figure out.
It shouldn’t be a sex drive issue either. I’m 40, I workout more than your husband, and I have no issues maintaining my sex drive. If his sex drive is low it means he either has a medical issue, a mental issue, or something similar.
Either way it isn’t your job to fix him. He needs to recognize the problem and solve it.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
I think it’s mental because he had told me that he thinks too much when we do it hence why sometimes he *** faster than he wants to . But I have never once complained about that , idc how fast he does. I just want to be intimate with someone and have that bond since we are married.
You’re right it’s not my job to fix him. I’m going to focus on him and be a good wife and do all the chores for the next 6 months and if nothing changes in his approach towards me I will quit it
Starfleet_Auxiliary 1y ago
Guy's perspective:
I think he may be offering this to you as a stopgap because as you mentioned in another post:
I mean from appearances he is trying to do right by you within his mental framework, but in my opinion his failure to disclose that sex wasn't going to be part of the deal with marriage (I mean, that's pretty obviously implied that with marriage comes sex, so planning on no sex should DEFINITELY be something talked about first!) is IMO pretty deceptive, intentionally or not.
Barring a significant change on his part, I really don't see a way of working through this.
And your posts make it pretty clear he is almost adamantly against change.
I wish that wasn't the case since obviously your personalities meshed enough to get you to the marriage point.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
Thank you for this perspective: I have also been thinking he might have done it out of obligation but it’s not like I hate where I come from. I wouldn’t have stayed if he didn’t ask to marry me and he knows this.
I have been giving him space to be himself and not ask anything of him hence the openness and me getting all this info on him so far.
I just don’t feel like I can bring this conversation or even bring suggestions to him anymore cause he just shuts it down or let it dampen the mood no matter how much good things I preface with.
I think I ll just look into divorce because I deserve to give out the love that I want to give and receive it back
Theyogithatcould 1y ago
Precisely. You are not happy with this degenerate setup that he is offering because you know someone can present you a silver dollar when he is offering simply pennies. Your bedroom is dead, and ultimately the entire marriage will necrotize along with it; it is only time. I would cut this completely.
rphelpneeded 1y ago
I guess deep down I knew that too I was hoping maybe there’s a perspective I could have missed. I just feel bad not because I wouldn’t make it ( cause I will I’m the one holding the relationship in terms of communication and planing. Im so sick of having to lead in my job and at home too all because he doesn’t care about stressful things) but because he might fall back into his traumatic ways that I worked so hard to help him.
I know it’s not my problem to fix cause he’s a grown man but life is really unfair and sometimes kids get crossed in the cross fire and grow up to turn out like this. I don’t want to be another persons that crossed his path in life and didn’t try a little bit harder to help him see the world as it’s intended to look without the evil. Maybe I’m naive maybe I care too much but I will make my decision for me and try to not hurt him!
purple_pansy88 1y ago
You are not responsible for his childhood trauma. It sounds like he's using it as an excuse to hide the fact that he might actually be gay or asexual.
Babiecakes123 1y ago
Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with not having sex before marriage. However, not discussing sex before marriage is where many Red Pill/Christian/Traditional women go wrong. I’m sure there any many other women who can resonate with you on this topic. So many of us are taught that sex is shameful or taboo, and that’s not the case. Sex is fun and healthy. It’s required to have a healthy relationship (obviously not the case for health conditions etc..).
An open marriage is cringe and dumb-pilled. The fact that he would offer such a thing leads me to question his morals and values in general. Are you two equally yoked? Or is this a case of you being based and him being some libtard from the city? I’m a firm believer in creating radicals, so I’ll pray that you will have some clarity in how to guide him towards being the husband you desire and need leading your family.
It doesn’t matter if he “doesn’t like to talk about it”. You’re his WIFE. You deserve to know why your husband doesn’t want to be intimate with you in general. You two are ONE flesh.. there is no room for secrets. His inability to be a man and have a solution based mindset is concerning. Conflict is natural and healthy. If there was no conflict in a marriage it’d be telling as to how much communication there actually is. Have him read “Conflict Resolution & Communication” by Stuart Scott. It’s a short book but very valuable.. helped me communicate with my “I didn’t know you would care to hear about that” man.
If I’m not being mistaken, sounds like there’s probably a porn issue here.. if you feel no need to have sex and are fully satisfied by jerking off by yourself… that’s a HIM problem, and not a reflection of you at all. My partner banned porn in our relationship as he had an issue in his early 20’s (he’s 27 now). You need to tell him how absurd and hurtful what he says about sex is. His role as a husband is to meet your sexual needs as much as you are to meet his. A low libido.. maybe low testosterone? Cook that man some STEAK.
What you need to do is therapy and marriage counselling. I don’t believe in divorce, and I think you should try to make this work if the other aspects of your relationship are good. You are NOT friends. You ARE husband and wife. You cannot help a man who doesn’t want to be helped and you should tell him that. This is a couples issue. So either you bring in a pastor or a therapist
Alongside his personal therapy, there are tons of literature he can read.. let me know if he’s interested in reading and if you’re Christian.
Also, which European country is he from?
[deleted]
pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
We don't do the "a real man does x" here. We also don't insult an OPs partner. Removed. Please stick to the men's subs.
rosesonthefloor 1y ago
“Real” men aren’t a monolith, and divorce isn’t a dealbreaker for all men. OP could still find a decent man after a divorce.
nai415qt 1y ago
He really went and posted this on a degenerate podcast sub
[deleted]
[deleted]