Hey there, I am not a habitual user here but like I really really really wish I could settle down, grow old with my boo and that’s it. Always wanted this. I don’t need a harem of dudes, just one is more than enough.
Unfortunately, I am considered ugly by men so that will never happen. I was in a 4 years relationship but it got quickly broke because friends and family didn’t approve and also other issues. I am 23 years old and I wasted my younger years being stressed in a relationship I thought would last forever, being stressed in general regarding finances, my looks, my ‘’ friends’’, every thing a 20 something have to go through but worse because I had no one and was always mistreated (Sorry if it comes off woe is me but it was really like that okay)
I am not promiscuous and I have no desire to be, so far I had two hookups (thought we would hang out again but they ghosted tf out of me haha, so I guess I can consider them hookups) and that is the worse thing ever idk how other people do it, I can’t.
I just want a husband for real, a ride or die kinda thing, but I don’t have access to those things because I am physically really unattractive. I read somewhere that men withold commitment and women sex, of course it’s not entirely true but in my case that’s kinda true. & I am not hard on myself, am being realistic. I take care of myself, work out everyday and I try to stay feminine and stuff but I’m the kind of ugly that no amounts of feminity, nail polish, light makeup, cute flowery dresses will make me look decent or like a 4, at the very least. When men talk about women and dating they obviously don’t refer to ugly women, it’s like we’re always invisible for love, commitment, romance but if a man needs a quick fuck he will gladly gravitates towards us with no consideration for our feelings.
It sucks that for not so attractive women the only choices we have is hookups or fwb, like yeah we get the sex but the respect, the time, the consideration, the kindness, nope. I never thought I would become a femcel, it’s pitiful and I feel miserable but hey is it my fault men don’t want none to do with me ? And before people come at me telling me it might be my personality or other issues, yes it might as well be however we all know it’s first because I am not physically attractive. I’ve met attractive people with despicable traits yet they date and date and it never ends, people are willing to ignore the red flags if the person is attractive. Bunch of people like me want commitment and grow old with their SO but the only thing that stops me from it is my appearance, precisely that my appearance will never be good or feminine enough for men*. It frustrates me when men shame women who are unmarried and childless like it’s entirely our fault. I mean kinda is, your responsible for your life yet ugly people have a harder time, even if we are a match inside but he is not attracted physically to me (or have been brainwashed that I am ugly) it’s not gonna go anywhere.
I used to follow those hypergamy youtuber and blogs, not because I am into hypergamy but they also offered advices on how to be feminine, classy and how to attract men, I gave up on that because I quickly realized no amount of efforts will be enough. I gave up praying for a SO, stopped listening to subs about it because it is just not possible.
Yup.
abishagofthevalley 2y ago
You tell yourself a bunch of stories that may not be rooted in reality. Rating yourself as a 4/10 (I would ask "says who" but thats right, nobody can say that), telling yourself you're a femcel, that nothing can improve your situation etc. And you've been telling yourself these lies for at least 5-6 years. You have next to no social circle. Okay.
You cant thrive by yourself, all alone. Nobody can. So:
We women thrive on relationships. Be it with of all the above or our cats but I think alone, in my room, among 4 walls, I can be the princessest of all princesses and nobody will need me or find me.
If you suck (and I say this dearly) at ALL relationships (happens!), a romantic relationship isnt what will heal you. If you cant be a good family member, a good friend, a good colleague, shit wont work out in romance because a successful romance kind of demands that you are skillful in all of the above.
Now, if you see your life lacking in content, it doesnt mean you are inherently, deeply, unfixably flawed and doomed. Not at all. It just means that you need to put yourself out there and practice daughterhood, sisterhood, friendship, baking for the girl scouts, volunteering at the nursing home, bringing cookies to your coworker, join a bookclub, I dont care as long as it involves WHOLESOME human contact and not you in your room watching netflix and pitying yourself.
You will ofc wear dresses and cute shoes and smell good and smile and have flowers in the window and send thank you notes.
Put love into the world and love will find you back.
LadySandcastle 2y ago
Why do you not feel at least average? Skin, facial features, weight? Being in good shape, taking care to clear your skin and wearing things to suit you makes most women decent at the very least. You also have to keep expectations realistic. If you really think you're a 4 what makes you think a male 4 wouldn't commit?
coquettecapricorn 2y ago
some man will make you feel like the pretty princess you feel like inside. trust me. i’ve dated 3 men before i found my current boyfriend. they made me believe i was the ugliest thing on the planet. they’d make me send pictures & videos in ruse of wanting to see me, then they’d save the pictures & show them around & laugh at them . i thought i was too ugly to find a real “ride or die” thing. i thought , because i didn’t fit the normal “attractive” guidelines, that id never , ever find it. i spent years degrading myself to get attention to try to find some sort of self worth. i didn’t allow myself to go too crazy, as i said i’ve only been with 3 people, & i was alone for 2 years before i met my current partner. once you find it in yourself- to build yourself up, & to find self respect for yourself, & to become your own best friend, you will find what you crave. even if you do not find it. you have to learn how to be okay with being alone. 2 years of celibacy was never hard for me, bc i felt as if i was a disgusting vile being - not even a woman. i felt like a monster bc of what people had told me about myself. but then i decided to re write these stories- & tell myself that some stupid , hateful people should not be the reason i don’t put myself out there. i feel you, so hard, because i have been exactly where you are. when you arent stereotypical pretty, people will use you - when they realize they can’t use you as eye candy they’ll start dumping traumas on you- you become the “fwb” but never good enough to be public- trust me. i have been there. i bet you are beautiful sweetheart. don’t let people tel you different. you work out, you are active, your body is able & healthy. it sounds cliche, but truly, find some kind of love for yourself First. the rest will come soon.
i was a self proclaimed femcel for years lol. bullied all my life. called names ALL my life. asked out as a joke, all of it. once i finally found myself- built a stable relationship with myself- & allowed myself to be OKAY with being alone- i found my prince charming. & he’s perfect. he’s so handsome, & so tall (6’8 to brag tee hee) , & he is the absolute sweetest , selfless man i have ever met. i did meet him on a dating site, which i do not recommend lol. but this is the longest relationship i’ve had since i was 14. he has stayed , thru everything , despite everything “wrong” & “ugly” i view about myself. those are the kind of men you need to pour yourself into. that’s exactly the kind of man you deserve. & it’s so hard to find, but don’t settle for less. you’ll just get hurt. keep your standards high, keep taking care of yourself. i bet you are so beautiful , we are always our own worst enemies. sending u luv sweet girl
persephonv 2y ago
female beauty is highly controllable. there are subreddits you can post photos on and people will give you specific feedback on how to improve your looks. if you’re thin, put in some amount of effort with your looks, and have a good personality, you’re above average and will be able to land a man.
ThrowRA_forfreedom 2y ago
I'm not going to give you performative feel-good "everyone is beautiful don't be sad" advice. I think you're young enough and value your future enough to take action.
Keep up with the gym. Bust your butt. Perfect your skincare, haircare, fashion, and makeup routines. After that if you feel your facial features are hindering you, save up for intervention and talk to a licensed cosmetic medicine professional. It. Is. Worth it. Society will pressure you to conform and stay "natural", but the choice is yours alone.
People don't like to admit it but beauty is as important as mental health and personality in attracting and developing a happy relationship with a good mate.
I wasted ten years being anxious with the wrong LTR partners and I can't tell you how different it is being with my fiance. It's SO EASY and I feel perpetually at ease and happy. Not gonna lie, I put a ton of effort into a multifaceted glow up plan -- inside and out -- and I believe the resulting confidence and physical presentation made it possible.
For the record, I also started as a butterfaced 4. It's possible!
sunglasses90 2y ago
I totally agree. In my opinion I was around a 4, pre-nose job, and post I’d say a 6-7. It made a huge difference in my appearance and confidence. Best $10k I’ve ever spent.
With that said, of course being more conventionally attractive brings better general treatment from people, but I’m always surprised when I will say “I think this girl/celebrity is so beautiful” and men don’t agree or they say someone I think is really ugly is beautiful. There is absolutely wiggle room.
I also think more people have had work done than we think. So we’re comparing ourselves often to unrealistic standards. A small percentage of people are born beautiful. The rest of us have to buy it.
Competitive-Gas3935 2y ago
May I just ask what makes you say that you’re ugly? If you work out and have a decent body that already puts you at like a 7-8. I’ve asked many men in my life of all ages and most of them said body over face (if by ugly you’re referring to your face that is).. but either why do you say you’re ugly? There is someone for everyone, trust me on that! If anything, it is your low self esteem that’s preventing you from getting a man, not your looks.
Note: where I feel down on myself, I just think about how my 50 something year old obeses and not very good looking neighbour Polly has a bf and then I instantly feel better about myself haha. If she can do it so can i
Raspy410 2y ago
No one has to be ugly in 2022, we have makeup and plastic surgery is all else fails. What makes you “ugly” and how do we fix that?
TheBunk_TB 2y ago
"I am physically really unattractive."
How does one define what someone else sees? Is there other internal mechanisms that make this worse in your head?
Are you hunting in the wrong forest? Are you "boring"?