Being aggressively hit on in front of my SO | RedPillWomen

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soufriere

Posted 11y ago in Uncategorized - Permalink - Locked - 420 Views

I was throwing a party and my friends were bringing their friends. Bernie-a friend of a friend- was constantly hitting on me and saying a host of lewd remarks. I could see my SO steaming, and I discreetly said something along the lines of 'I want to fuck you'. After a quickie, my SO was calm and couldn't care less about Bernie's remarks.

Unfortunately, said SO and I are no longer together, but I'm keeping that trick in my back pocket. I hope it helps any of you ladies out if you're ever in the circumstance.

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myfriendmarkus 11y ago

What kind of man doesn't intervene when someone is overtly hitting on his woman in front of him?

pennypuptech 10y ago

A man who doesn't give a damn. If he does, the woman gets all the power.

myfriendmarkus 10y ago

A man who lets another man hit on his woman is not a man who has any power at all. Women want to be with a man who has power, it means that he has the ability to protect her from threats, the man who does nothing in the face of a threat is just showing he is weak and if she is smart and has a high enough smv she will move on.

Camille11325 11y ago

I don't understand why you allowed Bernie to continue hitting on you and making remarks towards you? Immediately after he first crossed the line you should have put a stop to it. You don't have to be rude or cause a scene to let another guy know that his behaviour is inappropriate. You saw that your SO was displeased and you allowed Bernie to continue. You then manipulated your SO by having sex with him to distract him from what happened earlier. None of this is okay or RP.

LiaKathryn 11y ago

I agree this was a manipulative tactic and was pretty avoidant rather than poised. I have had men hit on me in front of my SO. I just simply turn and introduce him politely, "Have you met my boyfriend _____ ?" If they persist after that my SO handles it. I have no interest in scolding a man for sexual interest. If I am alone, I simply ignore, disengage and walk away.

EspHellion 11y ago

This sounds like a great idea for a post in of itself. Could you perhaps expand on how a SO can handle the situation correctly if they persist?

Camille11325 11y ago

You sound like you handle these sorts of situations wonderfully! We should never let other men disrespect our relationship and SOs by repeatedly hitting on us or making other inappropriate remarks.

Dont_Fix_It 11y ago

I was approached at a bar with my SO a couple weeks ago. A man asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him I was fine, but my boyfriend could use one.

Not only did the guy leave to pursue other ladies at the bar, my SO got a good chuckle out of it.

Stinger86 11y ago

You could have just told him you're with your boyfriend. The last comment was unnecessarily harsh as the guy may not have known you had a boyfriend.

[deleted] 11y ago

That's cute, I'm saving this.

vintagegirlgame 11y ago

Nice, I'll have to try that one next time!

soufriere 11y ago

I told Bernie to stop, multiple times. I wasn't trying to mess with my SO's head per say, I was trying to cater to his primal side, let him know I was his.

Camille11325 11y ago

You didn't mention telling him to stop in your original post, so it read as if you allowed him to continue with his remarks. You also referred to having sex with your SO in this instance as a "trick" and as something you chose to do to distract him from his feelings about the entire situation. Do you see the impression you left with your post?

soufriere 11y ago

I do see it. Please excuse me, I'm trying to work on my written communication skills. Oye, "trick" wasn't a good word (embarrassed)

Camille11325 11y ago

No worries I hope everyone in this thread was helpful, and that you make more posts updating us on how you're incorporating RP ideas into your relationship :)

meri-dian 11y ago

What is the RPW way to deal with this?

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lisfb 11y ago

I would think letting a man know you're taken pretty much as soon as you get the sense he's not just making friendly conversation for the sake of making friendly conversation.

LiaKathryn posted a good example of how to handle such a situation above (no one had the chance to get upset, flare up, or say "she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend; I didn't know" after spending time trying to flirt.

edit: OP's tactic wasn't bad - in the sense, I think it was good she was able to prove/show her SO that Bernie was so insignificant to her - but I'm just not sure what was happening with Bernie beforehand, that he was making lewd remarks and no one was telling him to back off or what happened afterwards when OP and boyfriend returned to the party - was Bernie still there, ready to hit on her again or...?

soufriere 11y ago

I told Bernie, not loudly, that I was taken (multiple times). A few of my friends did step in. He was coming back. I felt like he was in a war with my SO.

Also, Excuse my lack of communication, every tried to kick Bernie out a few times but we were in a conundrum. He was drunk and couldn't drive. After showing my SO I was solely his, my friends and I made Bernie wait in his car.

meri-dian 11y ago

I would think letting a man know you're taken

Beyond this, though. Many men either don't care, or they see this as a challenge.

While I understand it is easier to deal with when your SO is near you and you can easily introduce them as such, this isn't always the case.

Yes, you can excuse yourself, with poise. However, there are cases when even avoiding doesn't work. Just because you act with poise doesn't mean the other party will follow suit.

lisfb 11y ago

For those who persist, I just get increasingly direct and/or loud. "No, I'm sorry I'm not interested." --> "I'm not interested." --> "Not interested." --> "No." From there, I ignore them or flag security.

I haven't had experiences where the guy doesn't back off by that point. I do think most men will back off to try their luck elsewhere once you mention an SO or let them know their advances aren't welcome.

meri-dian 11y ago

Thank you. I have had the opposite reaction, and have wondered how to handle it with poise, as opposed to bring aggressive. Poise is something I am actively trying to improve.

Camille11325 11y ago

An RPW would not allow anyone to disrespect her relationship or her SO.

If I was at a party with M and another man started hitting on me, I would let him know that I was taken and not interested. If he continued, I would be firmer, and leave wherever he is. If for some reason he followed me and continued being inappropriate, M would step in and handle things. Even alone at an event/in public, I would be sure to establish boundaries the very first time any man was lewd. I would change my tone as necessary and be as clear as possible that I am not interested.

vintagegirlgame 11y ago

I wish it were that easy... For my work I am in the public eye so people approach me and it's part of my job to mingle and connect with fans. I really want to be appreciative of our supporters and it is something I really believe in as there's nothing worse when you approach a celeb you admire and they're totally rude (I'm not on that level yet but in the industry so esp can't afford to piss off the few fans we have). I can't always tell if a man is just being a fan or hitting on me, and even if they hit on me really obviously I have to play it off in a way that doesn't completely put them down. It's really hard sometimes cause I've never been that good at witty word play, so I just try to always be as super sweet as I can, smile a lot, and play naive (almost blonde) if a drunk fan says something inappropriate and look for a way to excuse myself politely.

meri-dian 11y ago

Thanks, Camille. This is along the lines of what I thought, but could you expand on how you would actually "let him know" you aren't available and not interested? I was looking for more specific examples of words you might use.

Camille11325 11y ago

Of course! To be more specific, if a guy approached me and was hitting on me or making lewd remarks, I would literally say, "I'm in a relationship, and not interested". I wouldn't be rude but my tone would be different depending on how the guy in question spoke to me. This is enough for most men. If he continued, I would say, "I have already told you that I'm not interested in you, please stop speaking to me". And I would go out of my way to avoid him for the rest of the event. After these two instances of being pleasant yet firm, if he persisted, I would be sure to involve M (if he didn't do/say something already). If I was alone, then I would definitely stop being nice, but I wouldn't want to encourage him by giving him more attention. I would not rant or excessively insult the guy, but if the opportunity arose for a joke at his expense, then why not take it? It's best to avoid situations like these entirely. If you're single, don't give indicators of interest to anyone that you aren't actually interested in and stay with friends. If you're in a relationship, make it clear to everyone at the event, and inform your SO of any bothersome men.

meri-dian 11y ago

Thanks. I attend a lot of gatherings and events without my SO. This is helpful.

Camille11325 11y ago

No problem :) Also I'm sure you could ask your SO how he wants you to respond in a given situation, it might not be as in depth as what we talk about on RPW but it's always helpful to know what he expects.

SkylarWyte 11y ago

I agree with others that this does not sound like a very RP way to handle the situation. You're trying to manage your SOs emotions and reactions, and that is quite domineering. It sounds like Berny was being very disrespectful to you and your SO- why were you interested in preventing your SO from making him leave? It seem like the appropriate course of action, and further, if you don't trust your SO to follow the appropriate course of action then you need to reconsider the relationship. It's not on you to "lead from behind" like this.

As weird as this is going to sound I have sometimes found that being polite in situations like this will diffuse them better than aggression. Like others, I have had situations where saying "I'm married and I'm not interested" is just seen as a challenge. And why wouldn't it be? We only have to go over to the regular RP sub to see how many women cheat.

For me the 'challenge' aspect seems to be diffused if I express some kindness. "I'm flattered you would like to buy me a coffee, but I'm married and very devoted to my husband. Perhaps that cute girl over there would like a coffee?" This seems to not push the 'overcome rejection' button in their head. Rather than seeing you as forbidden fruit they start to just see you as a person, and it's much easier to walk away from for them.

I have to laugh because as almost always the thing that works well for me here is exactly the opposite of what feminists would advise, which I'm sure is something like to scream rape and shout no over and over at the poor guy.

PhantomDream09 11y ago

Interesting idea, but I'm curious, why didn't you shut down his inappropriate comments? If he was saying things repeatedly, then your SO was probably just as irritated by the man's behavior as he was by your lack of action.

When a man crosses a boundary, I find it best to immediately put a stop to the behavior myself, fill my SO in, and make sure the person in question is not afforded another 'opportunity' to act inappropriately.

Edit: Or did you tell Bernie to stop, but you just forgot to mention it?

Your 'solution' also comes off as more manipulative than anything else to me. I could be wrong. It just sounds like you felt good from getting attention, then you felt even better when you saw the reaction it was having on your SO, and you decided to cash in on all the 'validation buzz' and have sex with your SO.

soufriere 11y ago

Another commentor mentioned me not shutting Bernie down. I did, multiple times, I was just as aggressive back in my attempts to stop him. I hear what your saying about the manipulation. I was thinking him dominating me in a sex way would cater to my SO's primal side by having him dominate me to show that I was his. That's goes again RP? (True, not aggressive question.)

soufriere 11y ago

Also, my So was not a fighter, and I was trying to protect him from getting hurt.

-1

_wingnut_ 11y ago

This is extremely emasculating. don't even think this Let alone EVER say it to or around him.

soufriere 11y ago

I never would have, but thanks for letting me know how emasculating it is

TheTerrorSquad 11y ago

Bernie is a stupid man. One day Bernie will do that in the wrong environment and that day Bernie will learn not to fuck with other mens stuff.

Good for you anyway! Looks like you thwarted a shitty situation for all parties involved

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RPWAlethiaTheElf 11y ago

I doubt it will work for all men, but it is definitely an interesting trick to keep in mind.

Maybe it's just my inner sadist, but I would like to see my man beat the crap out of the other guy if this situation happened, there's something really...primal about it. I don't know how to describe it, I'm not a wordsmith.

_wingnut_ 11y ago

You should watch out for this. This leafs to a Little game women play called "let's you and him fight" that can get your man severely injured or killed

KarriS4Shaw 11y ago

I'm not a wordsmith.

Don't worry you described it perfectly.

sierrasecho 11y ago

Interesting. I like when my man is assertive, but him losing his cool over some lewd comments that I didn't shut down appropriately, would look poorly on him. It shows he is not in control of his reactions. There is nothing wrong per we with a man sexually flirting with you. There is an issue if you allow it to continue, as the OP seems to have, and which phantom and Camille refer to. I would expect my man to be pissed at me, rather than the man for not ending it sooner.

PhantomDream09 11y ago

Exactly, Occam would be very unhappy if he saw me entertain that kind of behavior.

soufriere 11y ago

I failed to communicate I kept shutting Bernie down.

itsnadya101 11y ago

Lol Bernie is an idiot. Good for you though!

soufriere 11y ago

thanks!

eatplaycrush 11y ago

One time my SO and I went to a Halloween party.

We were talking. He turns away for a minute to grab us some drinks. A man walks up to me and tries to talk to me. My SO laughed at him and said "Do you not see she's busy?" and everyone knows or has heard how my SO is so that was that.

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PhantomDream09 11y ago

No guy approaches a woman at a party 'just to chat.' It's "she's an attractive woman, I want to chat with her....and." /u/eatplaycrush's SO doesn't tolerate people 'sniffing around' and put a stop to it. That's how their relationship works, and there's nothing wrong with it.

and everyone knows or has heard how my SO is so that was that.

Guarding the boundaries of your relationship is important. I'm sure EPC would have told the guy off herself if her SO hadn't done it first.

soufriere 11y ago

What's EPC's definition?

eatplaycrush 11y ago

We weren't in an environment where he was unknown either. When you are out in those environments men don't want to just have a nice friendly chat especially when they purposely waited for you to be alone to do it.

PhantomDream09 11y ago

Yeah, that's the other part that stood out to me - he waited for you to be alone. Yuck.

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PhantomDream09 11y ago

Your phrasing "I don't see why he had to laugh" comes of as tone-policing/judging. /u/eatplaycrush also stated:

We weren't in an environment where he was unknown either. When you are out in those environments men don't want to just have a nice friendly chat especially when they purposely waited for you to be alone to do it.

The guy waited for her to be alone before he decided to seek her out. People knew them at the party, and her SO has a particular reputation.

He didn't 'need' to be laughed at - that's just how her SO decided to handle it. You're continuing to tone-police and implying that laughing at an audacious random dude that decided to approach a woman in a relationship is somehow a horrible thing. He overstepped and was soundly put in his place.

Edit: Watch the tone policing, this is your only warning.

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eatplaycrush 11y ago

I wouldn't say his laugh was like "hahaha" either. It wasn't as if he was laughing at the guy, I would say he was more "hah"ing at the fact someone waited until he was away and trying to test their luck in a place surrounded with people who would go out of their way for him.

My SO is who he is and he handles himself appropriately. Before he had me in his life he was much, much harsher. The only reason he is milder is out of respect for what his goals are in his life and our life.

As always, you had my back and I appreciate you. I just don't think people can read that and understand there's laughing and then there's laughing so might as well explain.

PhantomDream09 11y ago

I would say he was more "hah"ing at the fact someone waited until he was away and trying to test their luck in a place surrounded with people who would go out of their way for him.

Haha, yes that's how I was picturing it in my mind (based on what you've shared in the past).

No worries lovely, I just think it's amusing when some rando pops out of the wood-work and thinks it's all right to start questioning how another user's SO handled a situation - particularly since you weren't asking for or seeking advice, only sharing a story to illustrate a point.

Have a good day! :0)

meganstoocute 11y ago

Wow. Bernie would have got one comment put before my man shut it down. Then we would have had the quickie :)