Ladies,
Sadly, I missed Mrs. Doyle's AMA. I did, however, spend most of my morning reading all of it.
Her take on her receptivity of her husband's fun and flirty advances and her own willingness to always enjoy the light/goofy times all while initiating fun moments herself REALLY spoke to me.
See, I have a problem with being "fun." In the earlier years of my marriage, and even while we courted, my husband would always signal (even nit-pick) at me for being not fun. He is far more extroverted than myself and always willing to "get weird." I, on the other hand, have always been tightly wound, quiet, and all about the day's business. For example, I'll be washing dishes and DH will come by and smack me on my butt...and, ashamedly, I WON'T EVEN BAT AN EYE or stop washing to have a response to his flirt, besides an involuntary "Oh!"!
Mind you, I'm not a cold fish or a hag...I do giggle and have fun with him and with others. But when I'm in moments of "I need to do blahblahblah and then blah, and blah.." or times when I have a goal to get something done...I don't even think to respond to his invitations and advances of fun! I am disgusted with this!
I need/want to take an example/suggestion from Mrs. Doyle AND my husband. I know that this is something he would REALLY like for me to work on, and I would definitely like to become a GOFL myself!!!
Sidenote: We had our first child 3 months ago, so my brain is totally working on "getting shit done" instead of "playtime." Our sex is the best its ever been in both quality and quantity, but I'll be damned if I feel like I'm too business-y and less fun-y right now...or since ever, for that matter.
Ladies, please give me your suggestions for easing out of my mostly business attitude and into the GOFL mode! Specific actions/flirts/steps to take welcomed!!!
TalkToHusband 10y ago
When I first read this as some guy posting trying to find a RPW that was his Gofl. And I was like oh no.
Personally I don't think you can. For a lot of people it's just in their nature. You can try "faking it" but I don't see that really changing, and I doubt you'd really be into it.
theladygourmet 10y ago
It sounds like you're so stuck in your own head (maybe you're washing dishes but you're also making a mental grocery list, thinking about work, mentally organizing future tasks, etc.) that you forget to react to the present. I wonder if just focusing on the present more might immediately alleviate some of your stress and distant nature.
I don't think that faking enthusiasm or lightheartedness is sustainable so I'd try to actually foster that nature internally. Look for humor and enjoyment in the little daily things. While you're cleaning the house feed your gratitude muscle and think about how lucky you are to have such a house! I find that when I'm filled with gratitude, joy, and lightheartedness inside I project it outward.
If the husband pats your bum while you're folding laundry mentally translate his actions into words. What's he saying with that pat? Probably, "you look hot" or "i love you". A simple coy smile and a "hi baby" or "mmm, i love you" goes a long way!
hun_xue 10y ago
Ahh! Being the GOFL is so awesome once you get the hang of it. I had to teach myself to relax and maintain an optimistic attitude (and just when I thought that maybe I wasn't doing a good enough job at that, my SO randomly said, "I love how positive you are. It really helps when I'm stressed out." Yay!)
I'm also a pretty serious person but my cute, playful side really comes out when I'm with my SO; that's another habit I had to learn. I love to grab his butt (he gives me that look that says, "Ooh, you mischievous one," and then I squeal), randomly giggle, put my hand on his leg, give him a kiss on the cheek once he's done telling me something.
Also: surprises that show you notice/care. I realized my man always orders spicy pickles on his burgers. One day I was at a farmers' market and saw a pickle vendor with-- yup, you guessed it-- fiery hot jalapeño pickles. I brought a container of those things straight to his place with a smile and a couple of cute dirty jokes to go with 'em. Then of course we ate some and he had a blast watching me do my "oh my gosh these are way too hot, help me!" dance. But seriously. So much fun over a container of darn pickles. It's the little things.
Good luck!
battleaxemoana 10y ago
You! I like your attitude and I love your examples! I'm making his favorite for dinner tonight, and I'm picking up a surprise on the way home from work for his dinner. YAY! Thanks for your input!
PhantomDream09 10y ago
Playfulness in a relationship can be a tricky thing for some people. I did a quick search, and I think you would benefit from taking a look at this post. The OP, /u/meri-dian also struggled with finding playful side and I think a lot of what she says may resonate with you. /u/bakerofpie and /u/klaifrai both wrote wonderful comments with some really great ideas that you may find useful. Although it's less directly applicable, I wrote a post "On The Lighter Side: Flirting and Playfulness" that you may want to take a glance at.
When you are 'yanked' out of a state of concentration or focus by something, just take that as a cue. The dishes can still be washed while you give a little wiggle or flash your SO a smile. Finding ways to welcome and invite your SO's advances may take some trial and error, and the first step is to understand that the attention is coming from a place of love and positiveness. He's expressing through action that he appreciates not only the way you look, but also your efforts. Try being more proactive about initiating (and reciprocating) casual touches. Allow yourself to enjoy the process, and know that a momentary break/stall of your current task won't ruin your progress towards achieving the objective goal.
Life's too short and we should all look for ways to readily embrace and welcome opportunities of happiness and intimacy with the people we love. :0)
happyrpwoman 10y ago
Wow, thanks for these great posts!
battleaxemoana 10y ago
Thank you!!! I will definitely do my research on your links!!
The "work will be there later" mindset sounds like a great mantra to tell myself when he's in the room! Not only will that new attitude really facilitate a better marriage first and foremost, but it will also help me enjoy our son and new family dynamic together!
You've inspired me to start practicing by dropping my duty at the moment and intiating flirt and fun instead to actively show him, and myself, that I want to do and enjoy these times.
Thank you again! I hope to get a good field report back to you all!!!
Bakerofpie 10y ago
Husband's and my relationship was pretty much built on humor and playfulness from the very beginning, so I don't have this exact problem, but while our issues manifest themselves in different ways, it sounds like we have the same underlying problem. I have a REALLY difficult time transitioning, meaning if I'm reading an article or watching TV or doing the dishes or whatever it is, if someone tries to talk to me I won't realize it until they're a few sentences in. I get very focused on whatever I'm doing and can tune out other things, which it sounds like is also happening to you.
My solution has been for Husband to give me a heads up if he needs to say something to me to make sure I'm paying attention. Just a simple "Hey you!" is usually enough. Perhaps if you had some sort of "code" to remind you that things are happening other than dishes it could help you snap out of it a bit and realize he's trying to be playful. I had to explain that my issue was not finding Husband boring, but that shifting focus is just something my brain has a hard time doing. It sounds like if you two are playful and enjoy fun banter under normal circumstances it's more the shift in attention that needs work rather than you working on upping your playfulness level.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
That's exactly it! Thank you for reiterating, much more gracefully, what I've been trying to express all along.
During non-focused times...like lounging or being at a party...we are always up to some shenanigans. But those times are occasional, now that our LO is here.
I think that when he comes home and I'm doing my duties, I should put a stop to it, from the moment he shuts the door, and give a good ol' kiss and grab. I think if I practice this more often, I'll start to pick up the pattern that its time to start shifting focus to "Hey, my man's home and I can play now, work later. Be prepared to play!"
I'm certain he would prefer this side of me more often than the "working" side.
vintagegirlgame 10y ago
When hubby comes home it's time to shift to a different kind of "work", but thankfully playing with hubby is the fun kind of work, much better than chores. Your relationship is like its own job that requires "work", but it's the kind of job that you're passionate about. When they say "marriage takes work" it sounds so intimidating, because most people think "work" means dull, energy sucking labor, but it doesn't have to. Playing with hubby is an important type of "work" and deserves attention.
Pink_acetaminophen 10y ago
Just know that for bubbly fun people other fun bubbly people are almost magnetic when they're receptive to their playful energy. When you're in a light mood and trying to be fun with your partner and they're stuck trying to be serious for absolutely no reason It's like running into a wall so consider not being that wall once in a while. If I'm focusing on something and my bf comes up to me and grabs my butt or something playful and my first reaction is being serious i just make sure to surprise him with something silly back so he knows i care about being young with him.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
Thank you!!! This is some great active thinking on your part! I will definitely try this myself!
agh_missedit 10y ago
I hate to hi-jack but I have a similar questions. Any ladies have ideas for GOFL type interactions when you're apart?
In my case, we see each other about once a week and I stay at his place for about half a weekend. The rest of the week we communicate mostly via text and occasional video games.
theladygourmet 10y ago
My husband and I were long distance for a couple of years. I highly recommend sexting and sending sexy photos randomly! I also had lots of fun collecting things for him in between our visits. If I saw a dvd on sale of one of his favorite movies, an awesome collectible (he's a collector of many things), or a cool foreign candy (he's got a sweet tooth) I'd buy them and either send them via mail or present him with them when he came to visit me.
vintagegirlgame 10y ago
When I get into "get shit done" mode I like to put on fun music and dance my way through it! A little music always lightens the mood and it can be a reminder to have fun while you work. In fact right now I'm listening to a playlist of Hawaiian tiki bar music and it's hard not to be in a playful state of mind with ukuleles in the background. Some of my other favorites is Bossa Nova Brazilian music in the mornings, and vintage 50s tunes for when I'm in clean-the house-like-a-pinup-housewife mode. Sometimes I even put on my pinup pumps while I clean!
[deleted] 10y ago
I think you should react to it. He probably feels pretty bad when he does something like that and you don't respond at all. You should reward him for initiating romance, not be cold.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
This is understood. I'm seeking specific responses to practice when this occurs.
PhantomDream09 10y ago
How you respond is something you may have to experiment with - someone could write out step-by-step reactions for you to follow but it would come out wooden and stiff. You have to figure out how to tap into your lighter side in a way that feels natural and positive. I think it would benefit you more to spend time figuring out how to transition more seamlessly from a "I'm being productive" mindset to "I'm embracing intimacy/fun" - or (ideally) allowing the two mindsets to exist together simultaneously.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
I like logistics, so the "life is too short" response is really hitting home with my GOFL goal :-)
CumForJesus 10y ago
"Sidenote: We had our first child 3 months ago, so my brain is totally working on "getting shit done" instead of "playtime.""
? That's bullshit, you just spent the whole post saying you were like this since the start. Don't blame pregnancy/the kid for the way you are, that's fucked up.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
I'm confused with your point. Do you have receptive aphasia...or...are you a 13 year old prepubescent boy?
_wingnut_ 10y ago
He is right, you simultaneously said you we're "always like that" and tried to blame your pregnancy.
battleaxemoana 10y ago
I'm not "blaming" our son. I'm stating that I am more-so like that now because of the extra responsibilities that parenthood brings and subsequent time management issues (we both work 50 hour weeks). I'm not pregnant, we are new parents to a 3 month old son.
vintagegirlgame 10y ago
Doesn't the new baby put you into playtime mode? I don't know about you but being around babies brings out the big kid in me and my SO. Maybe transfer some of this playtime energy into flirting with your husband.
ciaobby 10y ago
You're obviously not a mother. That's absolutely not how it works. You can't transfer infant focused energy into sexual playfulness with a snap of your fingers. Not to mention that only 3 months out the OP is likely still dealing with huge shifts of hormones whether she knows it or not.
vintagegirlgame 10y ago
No not a mother yet. And I understand new parents are exhausted a lot of the time. But GOFL doesn't have to always be about sexual playfulness. When I observe new parents like my SO's brother, they may be pooped but they're also extra playful because of the energy the baby brings.