disrespectful men and my response. | RedPillWomen

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rachaelalys21

Posted 7y ago in ADVICE - Permalink - Locked - 201 Views

hello ladies, I've been a long time lurker. I'm a pretty liberal millenial but started a journey to connect more with my feminine side about 6 months ago. I've already seen HUGE improvements in every area of my life after tapping into this recently unknown side of myself. my dearest thanks :)

something I struggle with is how to deal with disrespectful men. I have quite a tongue and am working on controlling it, although the temptation is strong....

specifically a problem I have is with my dad with whom I have a complicated relationship. he was a great provider but not a leader and quite emotionally/verbally abusive to myself and my mom. right now I'm living with my parents due to financial problems. he gets under my skin more than anyone and I blow up at any little comment, leaving me angry for about a day. maybe he deserves it... but it leaves me feeling on edge and takes me out of my sweet side I've been trying so hard to connect with.

to make a long story short, how do you act when dealing with disrespectful men?

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dumakeyfrance 7y ago

hmmm i think the example of a dad makes this too tough to answer

if your dad is the primary example i would recommend getting out of the house, the fighting is just a manifestation of you all not living well together now that you are an adult, find a BF to move in with instead

careful with the word manipulative as it is vague and it can often be used by people who just don't like losing, not saying that's true here but more descriptive words would be better

slinkywheel 7y ago

Could you give an example of what a disrespectful man does, in your opinion?

DeeplyDisturbed1 7y ago

You sound exactly like a woman I know. Here are some thoughts:

I am a man and deal with constant streams of insults and disrespect all the time. It is just usually subtle and not to my face - our popular culture hates men. So you are not alone in dealing with these feelings. I suspect with you it feels more direct.
This will take practice. People test each other. It is just how humans are. Men test, women test, deal with it. Coming to terms with this is the first step forward. Know that it is not personal most of the time. If it feels that way, it may be that you are acting or reacting in a certain way as to elicit more of this disrespect.
I hope you have someone close to you who can help point out the ways that you may behave that cause this. I am not saying you are wrong, or you deserve anything, but that people react to what they see. If they see weakness they pounce, if they see strength they back off, etc. Humans are primates - never forget that.
You sound like you are in a big time of transition in your way of thinking. That can be very unsettling. No one likes to talk about this. Every single time I have tried to bring this up on this site, my posts have been obliterated. I am not sure why. Some folks prefer myths and certain narratives I guess, and they own stuff, so here we.
This sort of transformation can cause people around you to feel unsettled too. Especially a parent. They have found a way to work with you since forever, and that doesn't work any more. Imagine how THAT must feel. If you get that, then you can be a bit more patient with people as they get to understand the new you.

There is a lot more to say, but without specifics I can only speak generally.

Good luck.

mmerijn 7y ago

This will take practice. People test each other. It is just how humans are. Men test, women test, deal with it. Coming to terms with this is the first step forward. Know that it is not personal most of the time. If it feels that way, it may be that you are acting or reacting in a certain way as to elicit more of this disrespect.

I hope you have someone close to you who can help point out the ways that you may behave that cause this. I am not saying you are wrong, or you deserve anything, but that people react to what they see. If they see weakness they pounce, if they see strength they back off, etc. Humans are primates - never forget that.

You sound like you are in a big time of transition in your way of thinking. That can be very unsettling. No one likes to talk about this. Every single time I have tried to bring this up on this site, my posts have been obliterated. I am not sure why. Some folks prefer myths and certain narratives I guess, and they own stuff, so here we.

This sort of transformation can cause people around you to feel unsettled too. Especially a parent. They have found a way to work with you since forever, and that doesn't work any more. Imagine how THAT must feel. If you get that, then you can be a bit more patient with people as they get to understand the new you.

Thank you for sharing this is all great advice that applies to more than just OP.

DelicateDevelopment 7y ago

This sort of transformation can cause people around you to feel unsettled too. Especially a parent. They have found a way to work with you since forever, and that doesn't work any more. Imagine how THAT must feel. If you get that, then you can be a bit more patient with people as they get to understand the new you.

This happened exactly between me and my sister. At some point I had changed from reaching out and being the patient grown up to not giving in anymore and she complained several times that she cannot reach me anymore and that she doesn't know who I am anymore. So at the moment we are non contact, because I refuse to continue to take that role where I have to take over everything without ever being able to be myself.

It will with time balance out and I think it is good that we have some time apart and concentrate on our own development.

But her words were true... she didn't recognize me anymore since I had decided to shut down and make myself to some extend emotionally unavailable. This helped to understand the anger and attacks with that I saw myself confronted and which had hurt me because I didn't understand for quite some time. Now it doesn't hurt and yes, it is not personal at all, we simply have to find a new balance.

Moreover, if you/one decides to change oneself one will always unavoidably change the dynamic for everyone involved. They haven't been asked if they want that change. They haven't been asked if they want to adopt to that change and they haven't been asked if they want to participate in a new dynamic. So one cannot expect them to just follow through with it. Many times they will not even understand the change and just realize that something has changed but they don't know why.

[deleted] 7y ago

Hey OP. I, like other posters, am picking up on some suspect vibes.

9 times out of 10, when a young millennial says “emotionally abusive” there’s something else going on. (I mean, really, what does that mean? You weren’t happy all the time?)

Can you explain more? How was he “emotionally abusive?” What type of behavior are you talking about?

You seem to have made up your mind that it’s someone else’s fault and definitely not your own.

If you are getting this from multiple men, might you consider the fault is yours? You are, after all, the common denominator.

You should share because this might be some blue pill programming that you need to deal with. There are plenty of women here who can give kind, spot on advice.

[deleted] 7y ago

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DeeplyDisturbed1 7y ago

This is brilliant - and yes, I was going to say that before the shout out.

If you are as calm and open as you say you are, and the men around you still need to be so aggressive, then the issue might be them. I am not saying they are bad or wrong - I just don't feel the need to do this sort of thing.

I have said many times before and will again - for me, dominance is not what you do to your woman, but to the world. I am dominant in as many ways as I can be. I will never be President of the US or a billionaire, but I do not like to be challenged out in the world. I am competitive, and assertive, and work to be smarter and stronger all the time.

Bringing that energy home is great, but taking it out on your partner is not going to go well in the long run. Not if you need your woman to function as anything more than a housewife.

You seem like a good woman and whoever you are with will be lucky to have you.

DelicateDevelopment 7y ago

the men around you still need to be so aggressive, then the issue might be them.

I am not the OP. My friends and colleagues usually don't act aggressive against me and I don't attack people ;) and I try to avoid - at least not seek - people who seem to act aggressive or too insecure.

I know many people who are offended easily by whatever they perceive to be disrespect and I also have been misunderstood by others in a similar way. Particularly within my closer family even if I knew that there were no bad intentions - expect stubbornness, sometimes ;) - behind. This made me aware of how common translation errors are... and sometimes people, myself included, can just be really clumsy when making a joke and actually seeking a connection, which is the total opposite from being disrespectful.

Thank you :)

[deleted]

LateralThinker13 7y ago

"Kill them with kindness" works. It also confuses the hell out of them. Instead of lashing out when he goes off on you, be pleasant, kind, and supportive. Smile. Ignore the emotive output from him entirely, other than to say the occasional, "You don't have to shout."

When he figures out he doesn't have to yell to get his way, he may stop. Exploding at him is on you, not him.

maybe he deserves it... but it leaves me feeling on edge and takes me out of my sweet side I've been trying so hard to connect with.

This is a rationalization to justify blowing up at him. To justify you not exerting self-control and acting like a child. Which you are - his child. But you are an adult now, and need to act like one, even when he doesn't. Be the better man.

UnbreakableFrame 7y ago

Read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. You need to develop healthy coping mechanisms for emotional manipulation. The "Fogging" technique is just one of many that will greatly improve your life experience.

[deleted] 7y ago

Don’t give her male books. Wtf...

UnbreakableFrame 7y ago

It's not a "male" book just because it's on the RP sidebar. It's a book that helps with the exact thing that she's going through. It's loaded with examples of him using these techniques to improve the lives of his female clients as well.

[deleted] 7y ago

Bro, you need to lurk more. The advice isn’t interchangeable. It is a book for asserting masculine presence. Read OP. Being assertive is the last thing she needs.

Your advice would have her fighting for the helm. (If you even know what that means.) That is horrible advice.

UnbreakableFrame 7y ago

It's not a book for "asserting masculine presence". It's a book that deals with understanding the subtleties of emotional manipulation, how to identify it, and how to overcome it. Many of the books on the TRP sidebar would not be appropriate for women. This one is, and if you had read it, you would know that.

[deleted] 7y ago

You not only don’t understand, but are actively trying to resist it. Pay attention to what OP wrote. Read it slowly and think about it. That’s the last advice I’ll give you.

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