Tell his mom how you feel about him. Tell his mom your concerns about his level of taking responsibility. After this discussion, it will filter down to him in 1 of two ways. His mom will tell him you two talked, and he'll ask you about it. Or his mom will not tell him but urge him to do more for himself. You can sit back and quietly observe the changes and how he reacts to them before speaking to him about it. Eventually you will need to talk to him about how important him acting like an adult is to you in a potential mate.

Someone else mentioned that the man you see at 25 will be the same man you see at 45 (most likely) - I can confirm this is true.

My brother has been destroyed by my mother - she has spoilt him to the point where I honestly can not call him a man.

He is 49.

My mother is 76 and has only recently slowed down the amount she used to do - due to aging.

But up till recently she’d cook most of his food, do his laundry…

He is selfish, lazy, and in the word of his ex-girlfriend and mother of his only child ‘useless’.

When my brother lived with his girlfriend he did indeed expect the girlfriend to wait hand and foot on him as he’d been used to with my mother - I witnessed this myself.

He broke up with the girlfriend and moved back in with my mother - he’s so comfortable being spoilt (and lazy) that over 10 years later he has never moved out of my mothers place.

Mothers like this are dreadful: they disable their sons - turning them into a useless, spineless, man-child.

A man like this would only change if he could see the reality of what has happened and he has a genuine desire to change - you can not will him to or make him change.

Look at what is in front of you.

Do not sugar-coat it.

Ask yourself if this is what you want, and can you live with it?

Don’t make the classic mistake of thinking you can change a man.

You are not his mother - it is not your job to raise him.

I was kind of in this situation a couple months ago. I was with a 25 year old who also lived at home, never cooked his own food, etc. I had to beg him to apply for college and try to find a better job (which I’m not proud of, but he wouldn’t do it himself) A guy that isn’t actively working hard on himself, who thinks living at home at 26 is fine, and who isn’t putting in much effort to make you happy (I kind of gleaned that from what you said about the dinners you make for him), is never going to change his mindset. Living at home isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Hell, I’m living at home next year (I’m a 20F in college), but if he’s not trying to gain independence then it’s unrealistic that he will be a good Captain in the future. Trust your gut. You posted this, so clearly you’re looking for a sign to end this relationship.

This is a grown man of 26. His mother is not taking away his ability to be independent - he is willingly opting not to take responsibility. If you're 26 and living with parents, you should be contributing to the household beyond rent. Cooking at least some meals for yourself (and them), doing repairs and yardwork, all your own laundry, etc.

It sounds like he doesn't have a full provider instinct - he's been letting you foot the bill for all the Friday dinner food and didn't even offer to chip in for this! And he's not entirely certain he can/will split the bills in an equitable way if you two get a place tomorrow. So you bear a financial burden in the relationship, so you get the man's burden of performance and the feminine burden too. What's he bringing to the table that's got you hooked?

Anyway, as you have surmised, his lack of provider instinct is partly because he's never had to provide for himself. He's really not ready to pick up a man's burden of providing for a family. But, providing for himself may awaken the instinct.

If he can't afford to live independently in your insanely expensive city, you may still insist that for 6 months at home he must be responsible for all his meals, chores, etc. to simulate living solo.

Also, another yellow flag... when you brought a concern to him (nose picking, hands in pants), he brushed you off based on what everyone else does. This is a sign he may be a passive person in general who sets his standards by what he perceives the group is doing. They say not to try to change your man but you are well within your rights to ask he practice basic hygiene.

he said that he would buy me dinner sometimes. I feel like it doesn't add up to dinners I make him

he has never made me a coffee and it is always me making coffee for him and clearing up after him

If you start keeping score in your relationship, you will never be happy.

Is this normal for guys?

Picking your nose in front of others - no, that isn't acceptable among guys to do in front of others.

Hand in his pants - some guys will, others won't. Similar to farting in front of your partner. Some will, others won't. There isn't an objective standard here.

As for living with his mother - I don't see what's so wrong with it. Living with her saves him a lot of money and if he's putting that money away for his future, that's an awesome move.

The fact that she cooks and does his laundry - that's what many mothers do. This isn't concerning in its own right, but it is concerning if coupled with other things.

Bottom line is - you can't change him. You either accept him or you don't. OTOH, he may become more responsible for daily chores when living on his own. I know many guys who were worse than what you describe and they turned out okay once they were faced with the responsibilities that come with having their own place.

I am sorry to tell you this, but he is never going to change. You are not his mom and you, with all your love, will not be able to modify his behavior. If you accept living with him or getting married you need to know that you will have to buy groceries, cook, do laundry and pick up his mess for as long as you're with him. Are you willing to do that? I know women who love doing that and others who don't. Whatever decision you make, just be aware of the reality that awaits you.

Holy hell. No. The nose picking and hands down pants has nothing to do with his mum and everything to do with him not being self-aware and a grown up. At 26. Pass.

As a male who grew up with his mother doing everything for him until 18, there are a few ideas that come to mind from my own experience in relationships and moving in with a partner:

1. It was necessary for me to live on my own (without a partner) in order to fend for myself. Had I moved in with a partner straight from living with my parents, I’m not sure I would have had the capacity to handle my shit - especially not in the RP way.

2. When I moved in with my partner at 23, everything worked out well for the following 3 years in terms of cooking my own meals, cleaning my shit, doing my laundry, etc. due to living on my own for 5 years prior. However, there was one huge downfall that’s come to light on my own RP journey:

As a woman who had a very driven personality, my now former partner took charge in a lot of the planning throughout our relationship. Because I was so used to my mother doing everything for me until 18, it seems that her actions were subconsciously familiar, and I unconsciously sat back and let it all happen. In other words, I wasn’t showing up as the captain of our ship, and it took a toll on our relationship - I was likely experienced as a beta who couldn’t plan shit.

All things considered, it seems from my perspective that it may be worth entertaining the idea of him moving in on his own for a while. . This will at least give him the basic foundation of necessary survival skills without having to depend on someone else. Hopefully he’ll gain awareness around everything else required to show up powerfully in his relationship (and life?) as a man.

Wishing you well on your journey!

I can only go with my own experience. My husband left home at 19 (with me) he had a mother who worked 24/7 so was very independent. He remains this way. I do lots for him because I don’t work but when I don’t he is capable of taking care of himself. He has bad habits which include hands down pants when he’s lounging around. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest, the nose picking seems a bit much lol but I imagine someone would stop this once asked.

On the opposite spectrum is my Brother, who is 25, lives at home and does NOTHING. He has been spoilt by my Mum, she does everything for him. He lived with his ex girlfriend for 10 months and she kicked him out. He is lazy and this makes him selfish. It’s the selfishness that destroys his relationships but he doesn’t actually care that much because he has everything handed to him on a plate at home. No woman will ever change him.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, people don’t tend to change as adults. What you are at 26 is what you will be at 45, just my opinion.

So, if he is definitely for you - you need to be ready to take care of him and in a way - replace his mother’s “duties”.

I'd have him move in with friends first. He needs to learn independence, and my concern is that if he moves in with you then he's just going to expect you to substitute the actions of his mom (ie, laundry, getting coffee, cleaning up after him, making dinner, etc). I'd let him grow up a bit.

I would advise you to use extreme caution here. I dated a man like that, he lived with his mother and she did everything for him. I didn't think much of it at first, I've lived with my parents on and off, but he honestly couldn't do anything for himself. He'd come stay for a few days and wouldn't do dishes, would just throw his clothes on the floor willy-nilly even with a hamper in clear view, would play video games and not even come keep me company while I made dinner. Not to mention he had no concept of money, he'd blow everything he made on video games, vape stuff, and photography equipment. Even his mother admitted I was probably going to end up taking care of him like a child.

He’s not a red pill man, if that’s what you were hoping for.

Both of the men I've been with had mothers like this. They met me and started becoming independent and cleaning up after themselves. It can change if they want it to, but I think it takes a reason to do it. I just refused to do anything for either of them. Period.

Yo I’d break up with that guy immediately, no way any man should act like that , I know Id never do that shit.. Listen to me & others when we say NEXT lol

You're essentially competing with his mother. You will have to outdo her to keep him. Putting hands down his pants and picking his nose means he's comfortable with you, though those things ought to be done in private.