TLDR: He's persistent. I'm surrendering. How to fix this?
State of sex life:Celibate (supposedly)
Age: Me(29), Him(25)
- What is the problem, and what do you think is the root of the issue?
Engaged , LDR in different continent. I let him know that I choose to go celibate before the engagement ( and that includes phone sex) but he persistently calling me every night for phone sex, to a point that he's angry when he didn't get it. I enjoy it when we did it but then I feel hurt afterwards (because I dont feel there's any integrity left our actions). Its a big issue for me and he said sorry afterwards but he cannot stop it. This phone sex issue becomes a constant topic in our arguments. He said Im crazy for making it a big deal now that we are going to be married anyway. I see him as someone whose words are not aligned with his actions. The root of the issue might be our cultural differences. My problem is, how to make this work?
- How have you contributed/attempted to mitigate the problem?
I learned from his background that persistence is normal in his culture. It is normal to persist a guest to eat more at parties. It is normal to persist that he pays everyone's food in restaurant. And his persistence goes along in the bedroom. In my culture we are not taught to keep pushing, we are taught to be soft spoken and avoid confrontations. So every time he persist, I acquiesced. Is it a communication problem, or attitude problem? He said Im crazy, and I slowly start to feel crazy. From what I understand, relationship is combining 2 problematic people and compromising differences. What should I do to make this relationship work?
I know, I know a lot of mistakes here...but Id rather spit it now before Im married rather than spitting this out after 4 babies later. Some of you will be angry I understand, but medicine are bitter indeed and I rather eat it now than later, so bring on the advices.
- What is your current relationship status and length of time?
Engaged for 4 months. That is it.
teaandtalk 7y ago
Do you really want to marry someone who keeps pushing your boundaries, even when you've stated them clearly, and doesn't take responsibility for his own actions ('he cannot stop it')?
Edit: I just read through some of your previous posts.
Why are you so eager to marry this man?
steadstubfastborn 7y ago
Because the more I know him , the more I realized he had worked a long way to be where he's at now. And I respect him for that perseverance. He used to have nothing, worked his way up, have a decent job. But that also comes along with great persistence (onto me). (Call me out if Im an idiot)
teaandtalk 7y ago
Honestly? I think you're being an idiot. I think your self esteem is low enough that you've latched onto this man's positive attributes (perseverance) and decided that's enough to commit to a life together. There are lots of hard working men out there who will also treat you with respect.
LateralThinker13 7y ago
You can respect someone for how much they've developed without wanting to be with who they are. Just because someone has come far doesn't mean they are, or will be, right for you.
Don't marry a fixer-upper. Either he's right for you, or he isn't. Culture can be a HUGE factor that can make or break relationships.
TheElusiveGoose10 7y ago
Hmmm. Perseverance is a good quality but not respecting boundaries isn’t good. I don’t want to say you’re an idiot, but I don’t think that’s a good enough reason so stay with him. Respect is better than perseverance.
BewareTheOldMan 7y ago
Celibacy normally indicates voluntary cessation of sex, but not necessarily virginity. Since no one's asked - I'll ask the hard question:
Is the "No Sex Policy" due to religious conversion or other reasons? I ask because at age 29 if you've been sexually active (before) but now celibate that's pretty rough on a 25-year-old man who really wants sex from his fiancée - even if it's just phone sex.
There are also incompatibility issues. I would look into this and see if you both are in the same page...because of this:
"He persistently asked for my hand a lot of times , fly to my country when I blocked him, treat my whole family to a good time, spend a lot of money in the process, begging to my parents for my hand that it start to look awkward....that my parents and I finally said yes. This man will be one difficult man to accept no if I break the engagement..."
Are you REALLY on board with marriage? This man's done a lot to get you to this point. I agree. He'll be pretty upset, but you need to be prepared for the outcome.
steadstubfastborn 7y ago
You were right. He might be upset. Because, due to my childhood abuse, I wasn't sure Im a virgin or not. I avoid this topic as much as I could.
But now I better swallow the pill.
What should I do?
teaandtalk 7y ago
Oh hon. That is a whole different issue, which probably needs to be looked at before you're ready for marriage. Otherwise you're going to end up with a man who disrespects your boundaries and makes you feel bad.
BewareTheOldMan 7y ago
Childhood abuse is not my specialty area. My recommendation is a certified specialist for handling this issue.
However, I can address these issues:
He asked for marriage numerous times - most men ask only once...maybe twice. Asking more than twice looks like desperation versus romance or true love.
He flew to your country when you "blocked him" - spending that kind of money means he's serious as international flights are expensive. I assume blocking means negative communications which usually informs most men that a woman is not interested. Most men would have accepted that outcome, but you noted his perseverance and resolve when he's focused on a goal. This might be a cultural issue as well.
He treated your whole family to an expensive, good time - again...spending that kind of money means he's serious and likely sees this effort as an investment or down payment toward future marriage.
He asked your parents for permission to marry you so many times it seemed very awkward - it feels awkward because it looks like desperation and that he can't live without you in his life. Men are supposed to be ready to accept when women decline an offer for marriage, but I can't account for how this is handled in Islamic culture.
Again - it looks as if there are multiple and major incompatibility issues that will cause problems in future marriage...especially when you consider cultural differences.
XenoMall 7y ago
This man seems like he is trying to fill a hole in himself with "marriage." He needs to overcome his own problems, not force a marriage on somebody.
tickledpic 7y ago
Why?
As a man, that would be a signal for me that she doesn't enjoy sex with me. I would seriously rethink marrying.
What cultures are you both from?
steadstubfastborn 7y ago
Im Asian. He is Middle Eastern. Religiously we both are supposed to be celibate.
LateralThinker13 7y ago
Muslims are often very sexually repressed. Combine that with you having (what sounds like unresolved) childhood abuse, this makes for a situation that will only be getting worse.
See a therapist and consider postponing. I don't see this ending well.
tickledpic 7y ago
Well, he is not letting religion control his behaviour, atleast not fully. There's good and bad in that. He is being honest to his natural needs and desires, thats good. However, it sounds like he has led you on in believing that he can happily suppress those natural inclings.
To make it work, you both have to be honest with yourself and each other about how big of a role sexual instinct and its oppressor - religion, has in your life. Down to nitty gritty, everyday experience of your life. Deep, hard, uncomfortable conversation.
steadstubfastborn 7y ago
We've been through a lot of uncomfortable conversations before, here we go again...
loneliness-inc 7y ago
What's the reason for your celibacy before marriage?
Whats the reason for your refusal to partake in phone sex?
How long is the engagement?
Look, you can do with your life as you see fit, but you need to be realistic and practical if you want it to work to the satisfaction of everyone involved.
If you want to have no physical contact before marriage, do that. But then you ought to have an engagement period that's no longer than 3 months.
If you want to save the first time for the wedding night, do that. But why won't you have phone sex which is merely mutual masturbation?
The message you're currently sending to him is that he isn't irresistible and that you don't really like sex all that much. Whether this is true or not, this is the message you're sending. In the event that the sex is anything less than spectacular once you do start, this waiting will come back to bite you.
As I said, do as you see fit, but you need to take his needs into account as well. Currently you aren't.
steadstubfastborn 7y ago
-My reason for celibacy is for because of religion.
-Because I regard phone sex is a part of sex.
-10 months.
I opposed his decision to make this engagement longer than 3 months, I even offer him to get married now. But due to his choice to finish his education and he wants to keep this engagement a secret until he finished his exam this engagement will be 10 months. *gasp*
Are you implying that partaking masturbation will solve this issue?
lespetiteschoses 7y ago
Ignore this. If phone sex is against your religion, then it's against your religion.
I agree with the other posters that you do not sound compatible with this man, and that you should reconsider the engagement. A difficult break up now will be SO much easier than a divorce down the road or a miserable life together.
LateralThinker13 7y ago
This is also very unhealthy. What is he ashamed of?
It helps. Total hands-off celibacy, over that long a period, is incredibly stressful. The equipment we were born with NEEDS to be used.