I used to be hurt by my boyfriend looking at other women early in our relationship and found it insulting and it made me question his commitment to me. After realising it was biological and with time passing seeing evidence in his behaviour of his commitment to me, I did a 180 and started making a joke of seeing beautiful women and pointing them out to him eg "yoga pants at 3 o'clock" - but of course he has always already seen the woman first! This has really helped me not to be jealous in realising that he is only spending a few seconds appreciating female beauty and sexiness and it is no reflection on my attractiveness or our relationship. I also realised that previous partners were probably doing it too, but more discreetly and I never noticed.

I also can appreciate seeing a good looking man when out and about in the world and it is really not much different.

I suggest you read the post from yesterday that is very timely for you "For Women Only - Men are Visual - Chapter 7" that girlwithabike posted (I don't know how to link to it sorry).

I hope you don't nag him about his staring, I would recommend you STFU about it (no matter how much it hurts you) while working on all the other self-improvement tasks you have identified (and others have suggested) that will increase your attractiveness to him. He has committed to your marriage, is not going to leave you and does not cheat so you don't have to worry that his checking out other women will lead to any of those things. Good luck!

About his anger phase towards women, would it help to calmly ask him what he hopes to achieve by venting to you and your kids about how evil he thinks women and feminism are? Ask him how he wants you to feel and respond? Explore what he is trying to communicate. If you do this, don't do it when he is mid rant.

It might be that he is trying to indirectly express how angry he is at your past behaviour that has hurt him. Ask him what he wants you to do, if he just wants you to listen and validate him that women are not the perfect angels that society currently says they are, or if he wants to discuss anything in particular in reference to you and your relationship. Prepare to just STFU and listen to him rather than jumping to defend yourself, and honour that he is giving you the gift of telling you his true feelings. You have a lot of anger towards him, so he is likely to have a lot of anger towards you, and him venting might give you information on the problem areas of your marriage from his point of view that will guide you to work on.

It does bother me greatly that he is venting in front of the kids, that will be very damaging to them, especially if you have daughters.

Red Pill wisdom says many men work their way through the anger phase and come out the other side and learn to accept that male and female nature is very different and we are all selfish humans, and he can use the information and work on self improvement and changing his own behaviour to increase the odds of getting his needs met.

This post reminds me so much of the LTR married couple in this Tony Robbins episode, that I couldn't but see them in my head the entire time I read the post and comments. Their problem is to a degree the same, plus, the woman is overweight. Tony helps them out, it's a good episode! https://youtu.be/LsqTZZUM--M

Your own lack of sexual desire probably has more to do with your own issues than your husbands. I definitely recommend trying out the books that everyone has mentioned here with an OPEN mind. You will also improve your sexual desire with healthy eating, exercise and weight loss. It is imperative that you look up to your husband for all the hard work he has put into providing for your family and improve your sexual desire. You seriously need to stop looking down on him, even I can sense that you feel he's not good enough for you, I dread to think what he feels.

My husband likes to be pretty freaky too and his fantasies don't exactly align with mine but with the changes I've made alone (he doesn't know about TRP) we've reached a point where we both want to please each other.

I don't know where this sex addiction idea has come from. Unless he is chronically unfaithful to you, I very much doubt that it's true. Once you have sorted out your issues, you should find that your libido should increase to wanting sex most days. This is coming from a woman also in her 40's with children and who had no libido for near 10yrs. Try the books, they really do work whether you agree with them or not.

Here are my thoughts, and this is coming from someone with a similar background only the 24 year marriage didn't last and it was severely physically abusive.

1) 70lbs is a lot. It is not attractive and the men looking at you are not looking at you in a positive light. Your SMV is low on the totem pole. I am saying this because I was there, still am even though I am 20 lbs from hitting a 100 lb weight loss (just a bit more to go). I ruined my body in the hope of my ex losing interest in hitting me all the time (didn't work btw). WORK ON YOU!! Change your lifestyle, your eating habits, your exercise regime, when you start dropping those extra pounds then you will really see what it is like when men are truly looking at you! You look younger than your age? Good! If you have a skincare routine, keep that up!! If not, get one QUICK! I've had one for ages and won't ever stop. Once you focus on yourself in this area you will find you will not have as much time to spend nitpicking on your husbands SMALL flaws.

2) Personally I think it is sad how you feel about masturbatuion/porn. I understand it was part of your upbringing...mine as well, but as an adult, it's time to let some things go and realize that it does not demonize your husband in any way shape or form. I raised 4 children, 3 of them healthy red-blooded boys who ALL went through the porn phase. For all I know most likely still watch it now. However, when you, as a person, try to make anyone stop doing something that never goes over very well! All you can do is kindly give your thoughts on the matter and move on. However, when it comes to adults like your husband/significant other, I really don't think telling them to stop is anyone's place. If it is causing issues in the bedroom or he is choosing to watch porn over having sex with you, then it's time to talk- calmly, openly, maturely, and lovingly!

3) Who in the holy hell told you and your husband he has a sex addiction???

4) Who in the holy hell told you and your husband you were his co-dependant for said sex addiction???

5) You said you are a strong woman who basically controlled everything in the marriage. Why is that? I was a military wife so I had no choice but to pretty much raise my children alone and control everything, however when my husband was back in the home that no longer took place. Give up that control....did he give that to you willingly or did you just take it? In your own words you said you are "controlling, sarcastic, manipulative, opinionated" Well, what a treat! Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would want to be married to someone just like yourself....then ask yourself, would you want to be intimate with someone just like yourself....then ask yourself, what would keep me married to someone just like myself??? You seriously need to do a lot of self reflection...you know your own faults which is half the battle .... NOW WORK ON THEM!! No man wants to be married to a harpy shrew! If you can point out these flaws, you can point out when you start displaying them and you can stop them....well, let's stop them in their tracks!

6) You say he is an Alpha Male with Beta Male traits....work on the above and you may see nothing but Alpha Male from here on out.

7) You are struggling with having less respect for your husband because you despise his behaviors which leaves you with 0 sexual desire... go back to points 1,2, and 5. I think you may realize this actually surrounds the feelings you have for yourself that you are projecting onto your husband. It is way easier to blame others for our own feelings of inadequacy than to look deep into ourselves and realize that it is actually our own faults and feelings about our own selves causing the issues!!

8) Your husband wants to be more adventurous in bed and because he is no longer wanting vanilla you are labeling him as "freaky", blaming it on porn , and complaining that conversation can't be had without ya'll becoming defensive.....well I would become defensive too. Just because he wants yo try new things does NOT make him a freak and please, for the love of God, stop blaming everything on porn! Do you throw that up in his face everytime something sexual comes up that you don't like or are not comfortable with? If you do, I can clearly see why there are issues in the bedroom. I can also see why he continues to turn to porn if that is still going on. I honestly think some individual counseling on your part may be needed instead of marital counseling to help deal with the sexual issues you are dealing with. Sex is a very healthy, beautiful part of every marriage. It is as vital as blood flow and a heartbeat. It can and will make or break a marriage.

9) "His behavior affects me and how he feels about women is projected on me"- why are you taking his opinions so personally? There are a lot of really shitty women out there, you know this. Will it hurt to commiserate with him and then playfully tell him, but thankfully you have an awesome wife and daughters who are nothing like that!!! I mean come on. Don't get offended for these women out there who you know are not the type of women you even like! He is stating his opinion, which he is allowed to have, and that is all. For some reason you are taking things way too personal which causes undo stress and resentment. Ask yourself, why does this even bother me???

10) Counselors- they can be good or bad. Everyone will have a different opinion, different experiences. I went through 7 years of marriage counseling. We had 2 really amazing counselors....the best one was actually a man. If your husband is not happy with your current counselor, try to find a man. However, we also went through individual counseling as well (granted my marital situation was a horror movie lol) but there are some deep-seeded sexual issues boiling inside of you that marital counseling is NOT going to fix.

11) Last but NOT least- staying married for the sake of children is absolutely insane! That actually does more damage to them than you realize.

Just my thoughts on the matter and the most I have ever posted here!!

Do not be disheartened that he will never give up porn! Remember that you must hope for the best. The hope of the righteous will be granted.

Everyone else covered most points. I simply suggest you read Fascinating Womanhood and try it out.

Why don’t you try one of the things you think is freaky with your husband? You don’t have to do it all the time, just once, you might be surprised. And if you don’t like it, don’t do it again and try something else.

You sound like a genuine person. It's good that you are reaching out and positively changing as well. I hope that your heart hasn't been too hardened from your husband's faults.

As a guy, some advice I can give is no matter what, do not "nag" him for his shortcomings. I am almost convinced that there is a circuit within every males' brain that immedietely shuts down during then. Rather, replace his negatives habits with better ones. Then, reinforce him when you notice he does something good or improves in some manner. You need to re-circuit his reward system. He has most likely forgotten the way. You need to remind him what true love is. Be that shining example for him.

You see, although the "red pill" contains a lot of good advice... Such as eat healthy and workout... It also contains alot of bad advice... Constantly stating that all women are hypergamous cheaters, that the way to attracting women is to randomly ignore them for extended periods of time, etc. It is laced with small bits of poison. It is steering men into consuming more.

Your husband is blinded to where he's wrong because he has been filling his temple with garbage. Once you snap him out of his dopamine propelled brain loop, you can then help re-awaken him spiritually. I hope that makes sense. Have patience when doing this. Have compassion for him, despite his negativity and faults. Here's a verse that I strongly feel applies to your situation,

Galatians 6:1-10 King James Version (KJV)

6 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

I recommend reading that complete Bible passage. Remember, the Bible is here to provide you with a spiritual sword. It's not just "fluff".

Also remember to stay strong, because in due season you will be blessed from your good works. I pray the Jesus bless you in all your ways.

Hello and welcome. There is a lot of stuff going on in your post and I don't have advice for all of it. I'll speak to some and leave other parts for other people. Specifically, I've never dealt with a man going down the TRP path, my husband came to me fully formed. I know this topic comes up with younger women on occasion and the men probably can give you better insight than I can. If they can't, I'll see if I can't dig up an old thread or two on the topic for you.

However, I can be controlling, sarcastic, manipulative, and opinionated.

Me too!! There is hope for you and life gets better on the other side of it. Welcome to RPW.

I feel he is an alpha male at heart but has a lot of beta qualities

A lot of people around here get caught up in the jargon. Use it when it makes sense to use but don't think that you have throw around terms to be understood. We often advise younger women to seek out a partner who has a good mix of alpha and beta. Here is a post about that to give you an idea of the differences. The long and short of it is to remember that a. these are traits not people and b. there is positive and negative alpha and positive and negative beta. I believe that changes in your behavior can help with both the explosive anger and the pouting. Ultimately he's responsible for himself, but the men's side should be encouraging him to be responsible for himself.

becomes trance-like when starring at women in public

This is something that you will have to come to terms with at least to some degree IMO. Men are very visual. Checking out women is just a natural response. There is a chapter in "For Women Only" (which I always recommend as a great book to start out with) about this. Even if he gets it under control, you have to realize that looking isn't abnormal for men, even the best men. I can see where this might be difficult to come to terms with coming from a strict religious background. I'm going to lean on the book to explain it to you because the author is also coming from a Christian perspective and speaks to that a bit in that particular chapter.

He is not a typical family man and does more criticizing our kids and me rather than building us up.

Be the change that you want to see. Are you building him up? It sounds like your husband is expressing his feelings of being disrespected through anger. Anger is to men what tears are to women. They function differently than we do and we're very good at bringing out their insecurities or making them feel disrespected. What works for us communication-wise doesn't work for them.

When men feel disrespected too often they stop spending time with wives and families. They'll retreat into games or alcohol or porn for the validation they aren't getting.

For baby steps, begin to look for reason to validate him. Express to him what you do respect or what you are grateful for. Acknowledge what he does contribute to the family instead of what he doesn't. If he's in an anger phase, this might be difficult to find right now, but every little bit will help. And for now, if you really can't find anything...fake it.

Give him space to process whatever he's going through. If he needs downtime, step back and let him have it. It's better to not see him than have him around being cranky anyway. If there is something you want to talk about, give him a heads up to think it through first. This helps to respect his space and the way he processes thoughts.

He says she is a feminist and is trying to control him too.

The Red Pill doesn't like marriage counseling so he's probably getting that advice from there. Interestingly, Laura Doyle (a perennial RPW favorite) is also against marriage counselling. Her belief is that it focuses too much on the negatives, counselors tend to take sides and has a really poor success rate. Her book "First Kill All the Marriage Counselors" should also be on your reading list. As a personal recommendation, if you are going to continue to attempt marriage counseling look into Imago therapy.

I feel that if one side is willing to be open to try to make things better and one isn’t, there isn’t much I can do beyond that.

This is possibly true but it's unhelpful to think about it in these terms. Your 15 years of control got you into this mess so you have to play a role in getting out of it. Give it a shot. It may or may not be harder with him getting into RP himself. Start with the two books I mentioned because that will give you a solid basis before diving into RP theory.

I just touched on a few things but your post is so broad that I wanted to give you things to consider as you begin.

I think all advice given is excellent. The one thing I want to address is:

We don’t want to split due to our kids. It would devastate them.

My parents stayed together for the kids and then divorced when I was 29 - I don't believe it was any less devastating to me then if I had been a teenager.

I also stayed in my marriage for the kids and left when the last one went to college. They were understandably upset, but both told me they were surprised I had stayed as long as I did and were not at all surprised that I left.

You may think your kids don't know anything is going on. My husband and I never fought in front of the kids or even when they were in the house. Your kids know - they feel the tension and they are very aware of how broken your marriage is. I would suggest talking to them about it.

Oh God....

You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Therefore, I will only address some areas where you are doing it wrong/could do better.

First off, 33 years is a long time. If you're currently 48, it means you got married at 15. That's most of your life. It's complicated for anyone even without extra issues.

Porn is an outgrowth of unmet sexual desire. Porn usage in and of itself is not dysfunctional nor is it a sex addiction. His usage of porn is because he's a man with a healthy sex drive. Nothing wrong here.

Furthermore, you're 70 freaking pounds overweight! That ain't no small amount. That's bound to decrease your SMV by a lot. Add that to being 48 and it's likely even lower than that.

Furthermore, you're a controlling and manipulative harpy (by your own admission). I'm sure it's much easier to just go to pronhub or xvideos than to try and have sex with someone like that.

Furthermore, you place responsibility for his end of the deal on him, then you place responsibility for your end of the deal on him. What's up with that? Take some responsibility.

Furthermore, your ideas on sexuality are extremely unhelpful. It's one thing to say - porn is a sin. I can accept that. What I can't accept is labeling it a sex addiction because it's a sin. It being sinful doesn't automatically make it a harmful addiction.

There's so much more that's wrong with this story. I'd advise you read read read and try to implement what you read. I'd strongly recommend the series by u/girlwithabike on the book - for women only. I'd recommend reading the book itself if you can.

if one side is willing to be open to try to make things better and one isn’t, there isn’t much I can do beyond that.

If you want to improve your marriage, then I'd expect it to be one-sided for a little while and do your best not to be resentful of that. He will eventually respond to your efforts but he has to trust that there is a thawing from your end. Both of you have walls for miles and that's understandable... but it's going to take a while to dismantle those. And it's got to start with you.

After reading your post, I come away with the sentiment that I wouldn't want to stay married to this guy, either. But I know this is just one lens: what are his good attributes? Can those at all be encouraged? Other than for the kids, please respond with why you want to be in this marriage--just typing it out may help you.

I would also try spending more time with him in a situation where neither of you have to talk, but you still have to be in each other's presence: tennis, chess, video games, cards, crafts, whatever. Compliment him for when he does something well in this activity. Don't make small talk, either. The goal is to just be alongside the other and have it be a peaceful few hours working on/playing whatever it is. I'd actually do this instead of marriage counseling. Just learning to tolerate the other's presence is a good first step.

I also suggest checking out Laura Doyle's Surrendered Wife. I know you said to /u/girlwithabike (who gave great insight, btw) that you didn't like her tone, but her advice is impeccable and she too had to transform a marriage in which she was considering divorce into a happy, fulfilling one.

Next thing I suggest is being in a mental place without anger or hate towards him. Believe it or not he doesn't have to participate to accomplish this. Personally, meditation has helped a lot with that. If you're religious, prayer should accomplish the same. When I've been angry at someone, I've thought, "I'm sorry, I love you, forgive me, thank you." Over and over. The first few times I think you're going to get a visceral, gut punch and feel unable to mean it. Keep saying it. When that hate melts off through repetition, you'll be in a much better headspace to respond/act towards him. Ideally you'll respond from a place of compassion and empathy rather than deep-seated mistrust and anger. It'll help you detach and not be personally invested when he's angry at women, too.

1. The thing you wont go in to is probably a big key.

2. 70 lbs overweight is not on the edge of beautiful.

3. You can only change who you are immediately. You say you lose respect for him. What do you do to help him be a man?

Many people will likely disagree with this statement, but porn is actually a twisted form of a self-love. The porn is definitely a huge problem. A lot of men cope with porn because it somehow makes them feel validated by women. It sounds like your husband may have a deep-seated issue with feeling valuable. He needs to feel like he's capable of being good enough for you. This comes from you giving sincere, heartfelt compliments about the effort that he makes for you and your family.

Most women don't have an issue with giving sincere and heartfelt compliments to their husband... when they feel he deserves it (ah, and here lies the issue). This is a complex issue. You can't give sincere affirmation to a man who you don't feel deserves it. In the same breath, he's probably unlikely to spontaneously break a 15 year pattern without some kind of sign that his efforts could revolutionize your relationship.

So what do you do? My suggestion would be to sit down with him and tell him in depth what a man you deeply respect looks like. Seriously give it some thought before you have this talk. What are the characteristics of a man you could deeply admire and want to be lead by (and possibly get sexual tingles for). The way you frame this conversation is very important also. Many women have a habit of framing things like this: "I don't like that you NEVER do X" or "can you stop ALWAYS doing Y?" This is the opposite of what works with men. Create a conversation that allows for change. Speaking in absolutes doesn't inspire your partner to change, it makes them feel defensive and discouraged. It also completely undermines any efforts they've made in more recent time.

I strongly encourage you to speak to him as if it's possible for him to wake up tomorrow as a new man. Find it in yourself to let go of his past wrongs and to step into a new relationship. Show him that he's more than capable of being an incredible leader for your family. When you inevitably have to bring up the things he does that bother you, talk about the traits in a manner that detaches them from him: "I don't like it when people get angry unpredictably" rather than "I don't like it when you get angry unpredictably".

I hope that helps.