Deal breakers- Children with more than one woman or more than one ex-wife. Having children without an official custody and support order. Any history of addiction or someone who regularly got drunk. Personal care and hygiene not being a priority. Not being at an age appropriate place in life. Serious mental health issues.

Red Flags- Not having long term friendships, living arrangements, or job history. Someone who claims to repeatedly be the victim of circumstance. - Lots of far fetched stories related to job loss, eviction, legal trouble, financial problems, etc. Someone who has noting positive to say about past partners or claims all previous partners were completely at fault when the relationship ended.

I did ignore or look past many of these things and it never ended well. By the time I met my husband I was very firm with all of these things. He had a similar list of deal breakers and red flags for women. We've been happily married for over 10 years.

• History of drug and alcohol abuse. (My fiance has never smoked a cigarette or tried a hard drug and his drinking habits mostly surrounded the fraternity parties in college.)

• Temper problems. Getting angry is a normal human emotion but I won't be with a guy who handles his anger by cursing, yelling, name calling, breaking things, or being in any other ways threatening. (My fiance can hold frame like a boss in this department and doesn't believe in raising his voice to women.)

• Lack of education, work ethic, and ambition are deal breakers. I can not respect a man without that competitive edge and drive to excel. My fiance has more education, had a higher GPA, and works in an industry that will always pay more than the areas I have interest in...if he was not the kind of man able to at minimum match my own education level and work ethic I do not think I would be able to respect him as much. Because of his education combined with personality traits I know that even if he hits a bad bump in the road with his career one day, he is not the kind of man who would be content to just coast.

• Bad relationships with family and bitterness towards his mother are dealbreakers too. However, so is inability to set healthy boundaries with family. He needs to love his mom but be his own man.

• Refusal to marry is another. The position of marriage being something he wanted down the line was totally fine to me (no need to rush things) but the stance of being totally closed off to marriage would have been a dealbreaker.

• Lastly, lacking emotional intelligence to the point of not being able to identify and pass comfort tests is also a deal breaker. Being cocky and callous is only hot sometimes. A man needs to know how to be soft too at the right times. (My fiance is amazing at knowing when to be firm and when to be gentle.)

Dealbreakers for me:

1.) Addiction/ Substance abuse

2.) Pornography

3.) Infidelity

4.) Unable to drive

5.) Slovenly

I do not judge others, these are just my personal dealbreakers

What do you wish you'd paid more attention to in the past?

- Men who can't face up to things - afraid to ask for a raise, afraid to call the landlord with an issue. Little things like this are symptoms of a larger issues.
- Men who are great buddies, but don't know how to put me in my place when I am totally out of line.
- Men who weren't open and forthcoming about their intentions (marriage, etc., always avoiding the convo)

Married and LTRed ladies, did you push past any red flags to be with your SO?

- Some mutual acquaintances (female) approached me and "warned" me about him. The main one, turns out, kind of had a thing for him and was trying to keep him for herself. I wasn't sure at first, but still gave him a chance. Glad I did.
- If I'm totally honest, his temper was bad. It still flares up sometimes. But it's something I work with - and he works on it - and I love all of him, even though he's got his faults.

​

Weird sexual requests (particularly a fascination with anal sex or wanting me to put things up his arse!)

Feminist/leftist views

Poor /inappropriate relationship with mother

Against marriage

Severe depression/ substance misuse

​

In addition to some of the tried and true dealbreakers already listed, things for me that separate out good men from good men for ME:

• has a plan to contribute to the betterment of the world, be it through work, a passion project, volunteerism, activism, etc.
• enjoys my niche passions (endurance sports, bow hunting, travel to very remote and rural places)
• able to enjoy and thrive in a lifestyle where we move often, due to the nature of my work
• not intimidated or covetous of family wealth

It's important to realize what things are absolute musts for you own happiness. Those will vary dramatically from person to person.

I wish I'd vetted for a man who also wants a tegu, because I gave my heart and soul to a man who gets the heeby jeebies from lizards... Oh well. Small price to pay!

Deal breakers included:

- Never paid for sex or porn (I don't want a partner who has experienced sex in such a transactional way)

- Either never wanted a threesome or had already had one & was over it (no one with "threesome" on a bucket list)

- Not too active on social media (privacy is important to me)

- Not an adrenaline junky (no skydiving, etc. -- it's "never enough" for some people)

Must-haves:

- Physically active & cognizant about nutrition (physical health -> mental health; men with pent-up physical energy can act insane in my experience)

- High opinion of women generally (good relationships with female relatives, friends, coworkers, etc.; not embittered)

- High libido (sex is important to me)

- Likes spicy food (I like to cook, & if someone was super afraid of heat... I couldn't deal with it)

No cheaters and no broke men. Also love bombing (blegh) and getting too sexual too soon.

Deal breakers: Physically violent (toward people, animals or objects) out of anger Infidelity Allergic to cats (I already gave up my baby for my last marriage and won’t do that again). Addiction to substances/sex/gambling Mysogynistic Inflexible to self improvement or change/ inability to compromise Financial incompetence and instability Distrust/Privacy Violations

Red flags: Lives with parents Jealousy No car or drivers license Porn usage Bad familial relationships Inability to take responsibility for life situations/choices Rudeness toward others No job or regular job switching Criminal background High N count and general attitudes toward sex/intimacy Having children outside of marriage/long term relationships (or multiple mothers) No desire to marry or a need for pre-nup *Mental Health issues that aren’t being addressed

I have more plus yellow flags, but those are what I have time for currently.

Some things can depend for me based on circumstances and general attitudes.

Dealbreakers:

Filthy home, bad hygiene. Lies and dishonesty. Talking negatively about his parents, family, even his exes. (However he treats his mother and father in particular is likely how he will treat me in 20-30 years if we become long-term) Terrible with money, spendthrift, constantly in debt and maxing out credit cards. Chain smoker or drug/alcohol abuser.

So many of mine have already been covered. I don't really think it's fair to hold someone's childhood family situation against them. While I understand that a lot of bad behaviors are heritable and patterned, and that early unresolved emotional trauma can carry over into adulthood, I'd rather not judge a man by uncontrollable past circumstances. Instead, I try to look for evidence that he has overcome whatever struggles life has handed him. In fact, I find such resilient men on average more impressive and better "Captain" material than men who had ideal early life environments that left them untried.

Some of my dealbreakers:

• History of infidelity or tendencies toward polyamory
• Physical, mental, or emotional abuse
• Quick temper; the size of the trigger often reveals the size of the man
• Apathy
• Untreated mental illness
• Addictions of any kind, from alcohol to video games: a Captain should be the master of himself
• Rudeness; I value masculine assertiveness and honesty, but also tact and good manners
• Bisexuality; once thought this went without saying, but have recently been schooled that I'm some sort of 'phobe' for being exclusively sexually attracted to natural born men who are exclusively sexually attracted to natural born women. It's a wonderful new world!

Edited to add two three :) more:

• Misogyny; it's one thing to call an individual spade a spade, and another thing to generalize that all women are worthless bitches, sluts and whores. I like men who like women.
• Friends with exes; unless they have children together, there are few good enough reasons I can think of to maintain a friendship with an ex. It's not so much a matter of jealousy -- or even trust -- as it is one of respect for the current relationship.
• Lack of personal accountability/ownership; a true Captain can admit when he's wrong, make sincere amends, and doesn't outsource blame for his actions or reactions

As a child of divorced parents, I don’t think it’s fair to have that as a deal breaker. Im not my parents and their mistakes are not mine. I would be hurt to think that my SO thought less of me because of their actions. I’m a RPW and hold traditional values even though my parents don’t.

With that said, “daddy issues” have a stereotype with them but it depends on the person. If a girls dad abused her or was simply not a good father, it’s not the girls fault and it shouldn’t be held against her. Although, if it had a serious affect on her that’s causing issues in her current life then I could see that being a problem.

I’m currently in a LTR and one thing my SO has had to push back to continue dating me was that I’m not a devout Christian. He really wanted a Christian girlfriend. My family is Christian and if asked, I’ll say I’m Christian as well but I don’t practice nor do I attend church every Sunday as he’d like. I’m sure religion is a deal breaker in other couples.

For me, my SO getting along with my family, having aligned political and moral beliefs, similar ideas/wants for the future, financially responsible, and taking his last name when we get married are requirements.

1.) Absolutely no current addiction or severe mental health issues. If someone has been successfully sober and committed to their sobriety for at least a year then I'm more open to considering them(people deserve second chances if they put the work in, imo) or has been taking care of their own mental health and therapy needs without supervision.

2.) Similar financial beliefs and practices to my own. Wasteful spending and excessive displays of wealth, are not only poor financial management but often gaudy.

3.) Must have clear goals in life that he is working toward. Goals like "I want to start my own business and this is how I want to do it" vs "I want to be a millionaire!".

4.) Must be independent, he doesn't need to be wealthy or well-off, but he must show a drive to handle his own affairs responsibly and within his own means.

Those are all the big red flags for me.

My deal breakers were:

No job (or no grown up job)

No car

Lives with parents

Overweight

Poor oral hygiene

Poor hygiene period.

Has serious anxiety and/or depression (that may be harsh, but I've been with a man who couldn't even leave the house and wanted a therapist not a girlfriend. It's not something I'd ever want to do again.

Comes from a culture so different that I would be disliked by his family and treated like an outsider, and our children would be without grandparents because of this...

I'm sure there's more but a lot of stuff I was always really flexible on.

My List:

Since I met my SO in college. My deal breakers were...

1. In a frat
2. Party Boy
3. Too many sexual partners.

I have other deal breakers that are more flexible, but the minute I found out about these I lost interest in the guy.

Violence or aggression in any way. Stingy. Gets caught up in "drama" despite being an adult. Doesn't like animals (idc if they want pets or not but not connecting with animals is a huge red flag to me). And of course, having different fundamental values from me.

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I had a very rough, poor, often horrific childhood, so I'm in no position to judge based on a person's past and don't go by that at all. Most of the people I know have really been through some shit. To diverge a bit, I've also only had one friend in my life who had married parents so I feel like it would honestly shock me to meet someone from a completely healthy household. And that right there is the reason I subscribe to this sub, because I want to break the cycle I've seen throughout my life. :) I feel like I've never had a community where people really valued having a put-together home life and I just realized how glad I am to have found RPW.

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A man who is nasty or violent. A man who is overly emotional or sentimental and has too many petty expectations.

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For me:

• Addicted to drugs
• On bad terms with parents
• No goals in life
• No alpha qualities in regards to being a leader
• Misogynistic
• Only cares about having sex with me
• Does not want children
• Overweight
• Bad body odor
• Lives with parents after college
• Is superficial
• Feminist/ leftist beliefs
• Has a history of being dishonest