Serious LTR seeker's notes: Reasons I'd reject your dating site profile
I've always sought LTRs, and the online dating experience I'd like to share has been refined over decades, since the dial-up BBS days. Here are some types of profiles I've rejected, reasons for doing so, and in Red Pill fashion, actionable advice how to correct or avoid things in your own dating profile that might turn away serious LTR-seekers.
Devoid of information The beauty of online dating is the preselection it offers relationship seekers. Put it out there into the world what you want, and the right kind of people will respond. Given this opportunity, so many profiles say only, "Just ask!" "I'll tell you later!" "I don't know what to write." The Fix: Invest the time it takes to write at least 2-4 paragraphs about yourself, your interests, your relationship goals. Thousands will read it, you want the RIGHT few for you to take notice.
Full of contradictory information Contradictions make you appear confused or uncertain, more than flexible and varied. "I like going out dancing, and quiet nights on the couch. I can be tomboyish, and dress up as well. I want a man who's comfortable in jeans or a tux." Look, we've got a Bond villainess on POF here! The fix: Choose a coherent image to present and don't be afraid to differentiate and polarize it from everyone else's bland profile. Claiming to like everything across the spectrum is just as vague as claiming nothing at all.
Walking Wounded Profile reads like telling off her last boyfriend: "I won't date men who don't know how to respect a lady" etc for several sentences. This suggests incomplete relationship skills and an undeveloped taste for a stable partner. The Fix: Of course, mention dealbreakers and boundaries, but make sure negative qualifiers are well balanced with positive ones.
Boilerplate That cut/pasted paragraph imploring individuals/institutions not to use images or else legal action. This won't stop scammers, but usually annoys legitimate prospects, so don't.
Cliche tsunami You love to laugh, live life to the fullest, and get the most out of each day. You like long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. So claim 30 of the last 50 profiles I've read tonight. I'm choosing the woman I'll be talking with daily for years/decades: show me an original thought or two here. The Fix: Spend a little time reading womens' profiles; the cliches you need to avoid will stand out quickly.
Laundry List of attributes so detailed that nobody can match up to them all, especially when the ad says NOTHING about what she brings to the table. The Fix: Use a mutual self-disclosure formula; balance your stated expectations well with what you bring to the table
Non-bonding tells Subtle signs that she hasn't fully internalized the desire and search for one long-term partner. "I'm looking for men who..." "I like guys that are..." The Fix: Write your profile as if you're addressing your future partner alone, not everyone reading the ad. Mind your tenses: write of my man and a guy, always in the future, and never use plural
Pictures and TMI about your minor children I've been a stepfather before, and with the right woman, I'd consider doing it again. That said, putting pictures of your kids IN your dating site profile is all kinds of wrong and creepy, and this shows appalling judgement. Seriously, the only people really happy to see these pictures are pedophiles. The Fix: Contrary to some male TRP claims, single parents can find good relationships. Mention you are a parent (of [vague age group], with full/part custody) in the text by all means, but give NO other details or photos to anyone you haven't safely gotten to know yet.
Short-term, consumptive perspective Someone who lists ephemeral pursuits only, such as going to bars, clubs, movies/TV, and shopping, sounds like they have an unfillable void of boredom and need inside. The Fix: Share not only the mundane day-to-day you, but some hobbies, goals, dreams, and ideas.
Crummy pictures Photos are so important to the attraction process, and digital cameras are almost as cheap and abundant as sand. There's really no excuse to post an ad with anything less than several good pictures of yourself.
Picture Don'ts
- Blurry, dark, or distant photos that don't clearly show your face. Even if you're not particularly happy with it, somebody is going to fall in love with that face, so show it!
- Look like you just smelled sulfur, or frowning. Many of us have Resting Bitch Face; work on that in the mirror a bit. That scrunch-face looks wrinkly, not cute.
- Bathroom selfies, even the "nice" work bathroom. Car selfies are getting old too. Say, why are you in the passenger seat in all of them?
- More than one B/W or Sepia shot, any heavy color or effect filters at all, and ESPECIALLY the flower halo and dog face
- Stock photos like flowers, sunsets; memes especially with a minion or improperly attributed Marilyn Monroe quote
- Whose hairy arm is that around you? Couldn't you have cropped that better/at all/taken other photos?
- Uncreative, like 6 shots at the same angle in the same outfit, various places around the same room; no body shot
Picture Dos
- Your main picture should be clear and well cropped to show your face or head/shoulders
- Include a body shot, cropped to show at least down to your knees, but not smaller than half the picture height
- Use good multiple/indirect/soft lighting to avoid unflattering shadows especially around the eye sockets and chin
- Take LOTS of pictures, use only good ones, post as many as you can
- Compose the shot well. Pay attention to what- and who- is in the background
- Show me a smile that makes me want to respond to YOUR ad, and come home to for decades
[deleted] 9y ago
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VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
Having been a step-parent, I fully understand the whole package deal concept when dating a single parent. My point was, it's extremely risky to post pictures of minor children on your dating site profile, especially for women, so much so that it affects a serious LTR-seeker's opinion of her suitability as a mate.
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asteadyheart 9y ago
I have to add that if you are using a website that asks questions (like OkCupid) then make sure your answers are consistent.
I saw this way too often. Things like: "I am a virgin" and then later answer "I already have a child and I don't want more". If you adopted this child or raising it for a relative, then clarify.
Also, if you put "I don't believe in abortion/birth control" and then say "I am looking for casual sex" then it WILL make men run away.
Believe what you want to believe in, but read it from a prospective suitor. Explain any inconsistencies since the answers are pretty blanket statements.
happilymarried30yrs 9y ago
Here's a few extra things:
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"I'm not looking for a hookup" - while it seems like a good thing to say, it actually says that you've been pump-and-dumped so many times and you have such bad judgment of men that you have to put it on the cover page to hopefully avoid these people, as you're unable to vet them properly on your own
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"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" - usually means that your 'worst' is terrible and your 'best' is merely OK.
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[Picture holding alcohol] - says I'm here to have fun, want people to know it... not always LTR material though.
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"My kids come first" - means you expect your partner to come last.
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[Picture of kids, picture of kids, picture of kids] - there should be at maximum ONE picture with a kid. If they are ALL pictures of kids, it means you can't separate yourself from your identity as a mother, and thus make a terrible partner.
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"One of the guys" - I shouldn't need to explain this one, or any of the 'prefer hockey and beer to other feminine activities, GO SPORTS!' - means you'll make a great plate.
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~instagram / facebook / other social media link - this means you're here for attention/validation and to find orbiters, not a partner.
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edit: if you avoid doing these things, congratulations, you're already better than 60% of the profiles online. The bar is very low for you, don't let that make you lazy.
mabeol 9y ago
This explanation of why the hookup line is ineffective makes so much sense! Will be sharing this with my girlfriends!
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
All excellent points, especially the hookup part. That's what I was getting at with the "all defensive" ad, and it's as foolish as going into a car place declaring, "I know what you folks think when you see a lady coming!" It seems like a good defense mechanism on paper, but in practice, it instantly annoys and turns away all of the good people, and delights the scammers that such an easy mark has declared herself.
raisin_warlord 9y ago
what's wrong with hockey and beer :(
happilymarried30yrs 9y ago
The image you're projecting is that you like being one of the guys = you probably like having lots of orbiters. That's bad, as it hurts your ability to have a better relationship with your awesome boyfriend,... or even to find one. Also if you 'prefer company of men to women, as women are all drama queen bitches' means that it's most likely your drama that creates problems with women.
mabeol 9y ago
Another tip I like: remember you're writing for men, not women. This isn't Pinterest or Instagram. Women may be tickled by things like "Just a country girl in the big city" or "live laugh LOVE" but that kind of nonsense will either baffle or repel most eligible gentlemen. Remember your target audience.
[deleted] 9y ago
If a woman isn't overweight or a single mother they are the equivalent of a Victoria's secret model on a dating website because how most men are, so if you throw in femininity and more basic intelligence than the average profile with that, it would make that woman stand out ridiculously.
Reddthrown 9y ago
That's too complicated. Here's how I would look at a profile, a few years ago:
Necessary:
Good:
Bad:
Deal breakers:
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
Good points, I was going to mention studio and glamour photos don't look good in this context.
___Jamie___ 9y ago
So true about cliche.
I'd like to add shopping and "having fun" aren't hobbies. Please list actual hobbies, even if it's peculiar like knitting or smth.
And don't say you like traveling unless you LOVE traveling enough that it's different than 99% of the profiles I see.
smirk_addict 9y ago
I think the problem with online dating is the inflation of the ego. Women don't have to do these things because guys are going to blow them up anyway. To the point to where it can be overwhelming.
I think this is sound advice but I just don't think it really matters much. If someone genuinely likes a guy they'll suddenly find that personality their profile is devoid of.
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
As someone exclusively interested in LTRs, I'm very familiar with the phenomenon of women who project an image they believe their suitor wants to see in order to win his affection and commitment. This type of personality shift is seldom sustainable, and before long they revert to whatever their baseline behavior is, which is never as enjoyable as the idealized projection was. In light of this, a vague profile is a red flag to a serious LTR seeker.
smirk_addict 9y ago
Dude you are absolutely right. But even the bad ones can make good profiles. I know two girls that are legit bad news that have the most heartfelt and hilarious profiles. I already imagined they've suckered a few guys. One is a school teacher. She slept with three of my friends. Cheated on one. Called him late one night for a hook up some months back. Gave him an STD. Her dating profile and her social media is all about helping others, doing outdoorsy stuff, no sexually suggestive photos. One of my friends said she called him over and told her they weren't going to have sex. But wears lingerie... Once they start having sex he looks around and notices all these bible scriptures and inspirational messages plastered all over her bedroom wall.. It's not my business but she is going to sucker some poor religious guy with little to no experience with women into marriage.
[deleted] 9y ago
When I was dating online, I got so many messages that I couldn't even give real consideration to all of them. On my third date with my boyfriend of a year and a half, he mentioned that he'd messaged me a few months before on a different app and was surprised when I messaged after "ignoring" him. My inbox was so flooded that I don't remember him ever contacting me! I'm so lucky he was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and meet in person. We only messaged for a few days before I suggested getting together, because the last guy had been a good 40 pounds heavier than his photos showed and I wasn't going to be unpleasantly surprised again. Amusingly enough, my guy told me I was the first woman to both show up and look like her picture.
I guess, all in all, I'd say one of the biggest troubles with online dating is reading into anything before you meet in person and, by extension, waiting too long to meet. You can't assume they're lying any more than you can assume they're being truthful. It is truly just a good way to find people who want to meet face to face and SOON.
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
I realize women get a firehose of responses to any dating profile compared to men. What I'm suggesting is, making a more detailed and specific ad will help throttle and sort the flow, improving your LTR choices available through this channel.
smirk_addict 9y ago
I agree. But while you seemed persistent in finding a genuine connection, I think a lot of women just become window shoppers. I'm sure it's something addicting about having hundreds of guys all showing interest. So the loneliness that brings a lot of women to online dating is probably rectified with that sense of validation . Also a lot of shitty and basic messages you may have received could've been guys having similar experiences to your boyfriend. Decent profiles are few and far between. You come across someone that follows a guide like this and your mind is blown. You carefully craft a message showing interest, humor, saying something that makes the person think and just genuinely putting effort into it. You do all of that and then they don't even see it or respond to it. A few times of that happening and some guys just start sending you bullshit.
Not to say you are being a shitty person. It's iust that all the messages you get. That's why even though I feel this is a great guide, ultimately women hold the cards anyway. And since guys don't get nearly the same amount of messages, you could email him explaining why your profile is bad and still move on to a meet up.
[deleted] 9y ago
I think you're completely right. One major downside to the rise of online dating is the idea that there's always someone else out there. After the first meeting, a woman notices his teeth are crooked or a man hears her lisp and they both think "NEXT!" For men, however, there will always be a next, while women find their options dwindling. So, if they are just window shopping, they'll get theirs eventually.
I think my guy kind of proved your point, actually. Some educated woman who he thought was cute enough, didn't have kids, and shared the same political views messaged him and even though she blew him off, he figured what the heck, because she was one of the few who showed interest. I'm sure glad he did, though. :D
CptDefB 9y ago
You have put into one document literally 98% of profiles I've ever seen. When looked at as one body, I'd rate HB3.
BRB, deleting my online profiles.
survival_eng2 9y ago
Is it acceptable to have casual relationships from dating apps? Almost every girl I saw on dating sites wanted LTRs. Do they really want these or are they trying to filter some people out?
smirk_addict 9y ago
There are sites that specify in casual encounters but in general I think many women are ok with hook ups. They just don't want the responsibility of making it happen so they don't feel slutty. Saying they want a long term relationship is probably true, but some still will sleep with hot guys for the validation. Overall, I think a lot of women who put that in their profile "looking for a LTR" are still ok with doing anything under the sun. They don't want you to know that, because they still want you to treat them like a lady. Can't knock them for that.
Also I think a lot of women just have a poor strategy. They aren't looking to hook up per se but they want to have sex right away and then use that as leverage to negotiate some type of relationship. Of course having sex right away is a red flag for guys but they stick to this strategy and they are jaded and had all these casual flings.
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
Of course, why not? Tinder is specifically set up to be a hook-up site, that's why the selection process is done by swiping pictures alone. Stories of finding a good LTR match there are outliers.
POF has several choices under "intent," from casual dating with no commitment, to wants to get married; this makes an excellent filter. LOTS of women in my age group choose the casual dating category, I notice if I browse instead of search.
Sites like match and eharmony are optimized for serious/LTR seekers, therefore probably are not the right tool for casual daters to meet each other.
[deleted] 9y ago
I have an addition for both sexes. Lose the paragraph about being disillusioned or burned out on online dating. Save that for your friends or personal blog, before accusing every prospect of the poor behavior of the previous ones. It feels like you're going in without a chance.
mabeol 9y ago
So true! And it's like... okay, special snowflake, you're not the only one who has had a weird experience on here!
VigilantRedRooster 9y ago
Excellent point. Going Meta is appreciated around parts of Reddit sometimes, but it's risky in a serious dating site profile.
Not to mention it presupposes that: