Happy Fathers day. How I hate those words. They stab me and wound me when I hear them. I walked out on my children three years ago. I did it to attempt to give them some kind of life. As long as I was in their life, she would use them as a weapon to hurt me. At least if I was out of the picture she might ignore them instead of using them.
My exwife was always abusive to me. Sometimes physically, always emotionally and psychologically. That is what you get when you marry a woman who is a psychopath. I do not use those words lightly, she truly is a psychopath as my therapists over the years since helped me realize. She would berate me and she had me believing not only was it my fault but I actually deserved to be treated like shit. She married me because she needed a beard and she cheated on me with various lovers throughout our marriage. She wore down my self esteem until I was majorly depressed and suicidal. And she conned my doctors that she was a loving wife and I was just paranoid. Then, the night before our 21st anniversary, she said she was done and wanted out of the marriage. And suddenly I was alone for the first time in my life.
My eldest moved in with me. I thought because she loved me, turned out it was to spy on me for her mother. After the divorce, I surprisingly had 50-50 custody of my teenage daughters. And the oldest (19 by rhen) ran off to NYC. It was then that I found out she had been using me and spying for her mother as she told me when I did not give her $1000 to get the vehicle that I had given her out of county lockup where it had been towed for illegal parking. Last time she talked to me.
I was hurt physically and my ex decided it was her time to pounce. Since I was physically hurt, it was hard to take my daughters to school each day. But I still did it. Their mother, however filed for a change in custody because of my physical restrictions and as it got more acrimonious she targetted my mental health. She was beyond evil and finally drove me to suicide. I survived the attempt but then she decided to use that too in order to take my girls away permanently. They were the only thing that I fought for in the divorce and she wanted to hurt me. She asked and was granted in an illegal ex parte order that my visitation be stripped and I only allowed to visit under supervision. And then when I attempted to see my daughters she told the courts my daughters stated they did not want to go to visitation and what could she do because of their age.
Finally there was a hearing in magistrates court. And the magistrate admonished both of us that all this fighting over the girls was hurting them. I did not sleep that night. The words hurt because they were true. I told the magistrate the next moment that I would waive custody if she thought it better for the girls. The magistrate did not think it better and blasted my wife. Her lawyer had the magistrates recused. And what I thought was hell got so much worse.
My ex convinced the oldest minor daughter, 16 then, to accuse me of sexual assault. That was my fathers day gift 2017. To have my daughter lie about me to DCF. My lawyer fought it and went after my ex for fraud on the court- turned out my ex forgot to tell the court she was making $30k more a year than they thought. Basically she was making more than me and should have been paying me alimony. A deal was worked out where basically I gave everything up: I did not sue over the alimony, I gave up my daughters, I could never reach out to them unless they reached out first. The day it was signed my ex met with the DA and said the charges were all a misunderstanding and they did not want to seek prosecution. She was never charged for it. Got away with everything. And here I sit, 3 years later and have never heard from my daughters again. Well, not exactly true. The younger one now almost 17 contacted me last year because she wanted me to pressure her mother to let her stay in the school she was currently in. And she made it abundantly clear she had not time in her life for me for anything else.
I know I will never see my daughters again. And that is wht I hate Fathers day.
[deleted] 3y ago
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Scatman-Johnner 3y ago
You were at 70 upvotes. Love the comment, but I had to do it
[deleted] 3y ago
What a ride.... I'm so sorry that all happened to you.
I truly hope that one day when your daughters become independent, they come back to you.
BigShooterThrowaway 3y ago
I’m very sorry that happened to you. I hope there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you.
-Argus- 3y ago
Hold tight brother. I thought the same for many years. I hoped that they would see the light of day after they moved out of their mothers house. 2 years ago after 7 years of not seeing the them one moved in with me. 12 months later almost to the day the oldest moved in with me. This is the first father's day with two of my daughters back in my life and I couldn't be happier.
It's hope that one day they will come back to you, that keeps you going through the dark times, it's a reason to get up in the morning and to put one foot in front of the other.
Dogrose22 3y ago
I’m so sorry, you did all you could, I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve x
MGTOWch 3y ago
You didn’t abandoned your child, they abandoned you. And you have made what’s right for both sides.
gnb6609 3y ago
This sounds a lot like my ex wife too. You are not alone in this, I had the same bs ex parte, the supervised visitation, the fraud with support. Friend you are not alone they do this all the time. Remember that it wasn't just you, they do this to men all the time. I wish there was a way we could expose this system...
[deleted] 3y ago
You abandoned nothing.
Ukman_44 3y ago
Time heals and your children have a lot of life left. I wouldn't give up yet.
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Let go of the past wrongs done to you as you can't change them. Get your life in order, in particular your mental health. If you're happy and have your life in order then your children are much more likely to want to know you.
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Oh, and 17 year olds don't have much time for their parents anyway, even when things are good! I can still remember myself at that age.
jandreo 3y ago
It pains me to read this. I’m currently going through a two year custody battle to have more parenting time with my daughter. It’s had quite a negative impact on my mental health. I hope things turn around for you.
ZEGEZOT 3y ago
That iis awful, your ex not only exploited th system destroy your fatherhood, she also teached your daughters that something like that is socially acceptable.
You sir, did not abandon your children.
Mr_Wheeler 3y ago
Did your 17 year old daughter ask for you to go her HS graduation ceremony?
Givingup2017 3y ago
I have pictures of it. She was in the newspaper because she sang the national anthem. A voice like an angel. But I was not there because I was not invite.
Almost messed up and posted under my normal account. This is my throw away for when it hurts too much to know my pain.
Mr_Wheeler 3y ago
So she came to you to ask you to keep her in a school she likes but didn't invite you to her graduation ceremony. I wonder who's going to be the father at her wedding.
She's the same daughter who falsely accused you of rape?
Givingup2017 3y ago
No. One who asked me to force her mother to keep her in school is going into her senior year now.
One who would not invite me is the one who accused me because her mother was giving her attention. She was always starving for attention from her mother and would do anything to please her. She never understood her mother is incapable of unconditional love. So she would do anything to get her mothers conditional love.
Mr_Wheeler 3y ago
So why don't you ask your attention starved daughter to hang out once she graduates & is an adult. Maybe go on a road trip such as yellow stone before going to college.
Givingup2017 3y ago
Because if I contact her, I am in violation of a court order from the douche circuit court judge. And he would be quite happy to throw my ass under the jail. When he heard of the complaint he told my lawyer that he did not need to hear any testimony that the next court hearing that he would start terminating parental rights so my attorney better come to some settlement with my ex'es lawyer if I wanted any chance to see them before I got locked up for the rest of my life. That per my attorney after the phone call from the circuit judge to her.
Mr_Wheeler 3y ago
She contacted you to ask you to keep her in school, but in that same phone call she didn't ask you if you would like to go to her graduation?
What happens when she turns 18 so she's legally an adult, could you contact the daughter then?
Givingup2017 3y ago
No. The one who did not want to change schools is the baby. She is just turning senior. On the one call, I said it hurt her not talking to me. She said she was too busy with school and family and friends to talk to me.
In theory I could but the language of the order is vague enough that my ex could claim I breached order. The order says I may not contact minor children and am forbidden initiating contact until such time as they decide to renew the relationship.
antilopes 3y ago
Remember she will be under very strict orders to never speak to you and to report a defector. The girls will be getting played off against each other to prove their loyalty.
There will presumably be spying on phones etc so getting in touch can be more effort and risk than you think. There would also likely be financial control e.g. she will assist with tertiary study if they comply.
Personality disorders typically involve a genetic susceptibility, which is activated by an abusive environment such as living with a personality disordered parent. It is said "to make a psychopath you need to start with some psychopath genes".
Psychopathy is commonly comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder. You could read up on that if you haven't, you may find some familiar traits or at least techniques. That might lead to recognising the damage typically done by narcissists in yourself and your daughters.
There is a possibility you will not see them again, or that you will get to know them and realise you don't want them in your life. If they do come back it may be ten years later, after breaking up with a husband or something. This is horrible, I wish this had never happened to you. All the best.
rahsoft 3y ago
The younger one now almost 17 contacted me last year because she wanted me to pressure her mother to let her stay in the school she was currently in. And she made it abundantly clear she had not time in her life for me for anything else.
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Have a guess who she learnt that behaviour from ( its definitely not from you).
I understand your pain about fathers days....and no you did not abandon your daughters, You were taken from them by a dishonourable legal system.
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My ex circumnavigated the legal process and did not petition me for custody over our child, then her lawyer stood up in court and said i had been petitioned but failed to turn up and therefore should automatically lose( i wasn't even in the same country !).
Judge threw it out anyway because they had gone to the wrong court !!
she went through a religious divorce ( instead of a civil court) because she was afraid of losing custody due to her domestic violence behaviour and child abuse. then came the custody process.. and guess what ...she gone and petitioned again without telling me or my lawyer and had won..
we went to appeal to the highest court but unfortunately these are not really judges but just religious men with no legal training and their culture loses face if they have to admit they were wrong..
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haven't seen my kid in 8 years.. so i understand for some fathers day sucks..
Givingup2017 3y ago
Thanks for the gold whoever gave it. And thank all of you for the kind words. Holidays are bad and June is horrible. I spend half the month fearing today and the rest of the month throwing a pity party because I know it will be no different on my birthday at the end of the month.
In the end, I do feel like I abandoned them. I was in a really bad place. By all rights I should have died in the suicide attempt. I knew that day that my exwife would not stop until she took my kids from me. They were my life and my reason to be alive. I understood unconditional love the minute I held the oldest in my arms. And that made them the perfect weapon for my ex to use to hurt me. She convinced the middle child to file multiple complaints through her therapist against me. Each time, they investigated and found no evidence. Then they watched up a level. And when the magistrate told my ex that if the girls were not at the next visitation then my ex would be going to jail for contempt of court, that very night my ex and her lawyer- a former DCF lawyer- got my daughter to make a claim of sexual abuse.
Police wanted to interview me at their station and my lawyer made it very clear that would not happen. My lawyer was then called by the judge. Basically threatening because he was not happy that we were not cooperating with police. My lawyer told me to expect to be charged. And then when we signed the ex's lawyer called my lawyer. She was livid with my ex because as much as she personally did not like me, she figured out that my ex played her with the complaint. She told my lawyer not to worry about an arrest because the prosecutor told ex's lawyer that there is no way with a truthful claim that a parent would "just want to drop it". So at least I know that the prosecutor does not believe it.
Lazysweetness 3y ago
I am sorry that evil woman put you through that hell, man i hope life gets much much better for you.
Bigboycoc 3y ago
Holy crap man. She sounds like a terrible person and I feel really bad for you.
JustJamie- 3y ago
You did what was best for you and your kids. That makes you a good father.
Adanu0 3y ago
You did not abandon your children. If you had abandoned them, you would not be thinking about them constantly. You cut off contact in order to protect them, and gave them an opening to re-enter your life.
That is far from abandonment.
Hermes_TheMessenger 3y ago
That's a terrible story and I feel sorry that happend to you. I think you did the best you could given these awful circumstances. Don't blame yourself.
Just don't give up on your children completely. They are your children after all. Right now it seems impossible to have a healthy relationship with them and maybe also in the near future but they are still young and maybe when they get older one day they will get wiser and see the past differently. You could tell them, if they ever wanted to have a healthy relationship with you and talk about what happened in the past you will be available.
antilopes 3y ago
He's not allowed to contact them. There is no way around that, you can't use third parties or anything.
If they fall out with the mother later, which is very possible, they may realise she has likely manipulated their picture of their father, and get in touch.
Hermes_TheMessenger 3y ago
I see. Thanks for clarifiying.