Happy Fathers day.  How I hate those words.  They stab me and wound me when I hear them.  I walked out on my children three years ago.  I did it to attempt to give them some kind of life.  As long as I was in their life, she would use them as a weapon to hurt me.  At least if I was out of the picture she might ignore them instead of using them.

My exwife was always abusive to me.  Sometimes physically, always emotionally and psychologically.  That is what you get when you marry a woman who is a psychopath.  I do not use those words lightly, she truly is a psychopath as my therapists over the years since helped me realize.  She would berate me and she had me believing not only was it my fault but I actually deserved to be treated like shit.  She married me because she needed a beard and she cheated on me with various lovers throughout our marriage.  She wore down my self esteem until I was majorly depressed and suicidal.  And she conned my doctors that she was a loving wife and I was just paranoid.  Then, the night before our 21st anniversary, she said she was done and wanted out of the marriage.  And suddenly I was alone for the first time in my life.  

My eldest moved in with me.  I thought because she loved me, turned out it was to spy on me for her mother.  After the divorce, I surprisingly had 50-50 custody of my teenage daughters.  And the oldest (19 by rhen) ran off to NYC.  It was then that I found out she had been using me and spying for her mother as she told me when I did not give her $1000 to get the vehicle that I had given her out of county lockup where it had been towed for illegal parking.  Last time she talked to me.

I was hurt physically and my ex decided it was her time to pounce.  Since I was physically hurt, it was hard to take my daughters to school each day.  But I still did it.  Their mother, however filed for a change in custody because of my physical restrictions and as it got more acrimonious she targetted my mental health.  She was beyond evil and finally drove me to suicide.  I survived the attempt but then she decided to use that too in order to take my girls away permanently.  They were the only thing that I fought for in the divorce and she wanted to hurt me.  She asked and was granted in an illegal ex parte order that my visitation be stripped and I only allowed to visit under supervision.  And then when I attempted to see my daughters she told the courts my daughters stated they did not want to go to visitation and what could she do because of their age.

Finally there was a hearing in magistrates court.  And the magistrate admonished both of us that all this fighting over the girls was hurting them.  I did not sleep that night.  The words hurt because they were true.  I told the magistrate the next moment that I would waive custody if she thought it better for the girls.  The magistrate did not think it better and blasted my wife.  Her lawyer had the magistrates recused.  And what I thought was hell got so much worse.

My ex convinced the oldest minor daughter, 16 then, to accuse me of sexual assault.  That was my fathers day gift 2017.  To have my daughter lie about me to DCF.  My lawyer fought it and went after my ex for fraud on the court- turned out my ex forgot to tell the court she was making $30k more a year than they thought.  Basically she was making more than me and should have been paying me alimony.  A deal was worked out where basically I gave everything up: I did not sue over the alimony, I gave up my daughters, I could never reach out to them unless they reached out first.  The day it was signed my ex met with the DA and said the charges were all a misunderstanding and they did not want to seek prosecution.  She was never charged for it.  Got away with everything. And here I sit, 3 years later and have never heard from my daughters again.  Well, not exactly true.  The younger one now almost 17 contacted me last year because she wanted me to pressure her mother to let her stay in the school she was currently in.  And she made it abundantly clear she had not time in her life for me for anything else.

I know I will never see my daughters again.  And that is wht I hate Fathers day.