Stats: 41, 207#, ~16%bf. Started 242#, fuck load of bf.

Lifts: on a cut, but OHS:95x5, squat: 185x5, dL 225x5 I just added back compound lifts, mostly dumbbell exercises, 1.5 hours a day including 20 min cardio,

Read: currently on WISNIFG, Daybang, Finished MMSLP and saving a low sex marriage by blue pill professor.

Audio booked NMMNG.

MAP: I’m at about 9 weeks in. I have my map articulated out to about month 5/DL5.

Accomplishments: I have lost about 40 lbs of far(started almost 8 months ago, before I sealed the pill, about 10 since swallowing pill.

All new wardrobe cause none of that shit fit.

I posted.a post in MRP, got banned for two weeks, I think my original post got deleted, fuck you assholes!

Relationship: I may have one of the toughest marriages to save, if it’s worth saving. When I started... that was my focus, but like everyone else here...I am the focus now.

What makes it tough is I actually work for my wife in a business we started. I chose to make her the president and primary owner. ... WTF you ask? Well I have had previous business and partners all who screwed me not in the literal sense. Also, there are benefits to having a women owned small business in the US, and by law, the spouse owns 50% anyway....also, beta blue pill pitch pussy pedestal bla bla bla....

Been married 14 years, anniversary in 3 days, 2 kids 12 and 10.

She was going to “get a place she could escape to” (aka separation condo) but realized she could not afford it...

The argument now is I must be happy to trap her!

Well, There are some key lessons I have learned, 1) lift, 2) stfu 3) go back to one.

Mistakes: 1) I fucked my self royally by making ultimatums at DL0 about improving the marriage. I was not aware nor had I read the sidebar etc,etc.... I found MRP shortly after the ultimatums. 2) this resulted in basically I silent treatment, no sex, roommate situation for the past 8 weeks. 3) fuckkkkkkkkkkkk!, the very next day I found MRP 4) I would be further along without the ultimatums.

So I have been steadfast DL1&2 for the past 8 weeks. since. Some Advance DL because I lost so much weight over past 6 months I needed to replace my wordrobe!

Today: Very escalating shit tests. A 4 hour shittest when we have been averaging 5 minutes of communication a week.

Because of my new looks (physique (( I have a two pack, working on the next 2)), new wardrobe, some new aviators sunglasses (gold) she started with;

“You look different, like a slime sales man...guido...mafia...narcissist! “

I laughed out loud.

“Why are you laughing... wtf is this snide aloof attitude?”

“I’ll feel bad I have this control over you”

I laughed out loud.

Anyways... I feel I handled a barrage of shit tests and followed by comfort tests...but at least we are talking.

Either way I have other stories...girls 20 years younger hitting on me, getting IOI’s, learning the value of reset every day...drinking with Navy Seals....all made possible by swallowing the pill and slowly awakening.

I still want a healthy marriage, and want to get laid. Hopefully by the same person.

Reminder to my self: Slow down! No Rambo!

OYS #5

Haven't posted in a few weeks, partly due to "lack of time" and partly due to the fact that I haven't been making a much progress in any area and didn't want to be honest with myself and say that. I've been working on putting together an actual MAP and focusing goals and next steps there rather than using this as a dumping ground for a bunch of items on my todo list.

I've got a lot of areas to work on, but I'm realizing that ending my time wasting is the biggest one. I'll fix this. A lot of other failures are flowing from the fact that I "don't have time".

Fitness

36, 153.5lb, 5'7", 15ish % bodyfat (Navy method)

Wendler Training maxes: OHP 80, BP 130, SQ: 235, DL: 245

Body weight is up quite a bit. After being sick my weight rebounded to about 149 and stayed there for a week. Since then it's climbed over 4 pounds which is too much, too fast. When I was stagnant at 150 I was stuffing myself and not gaining but now it's moving faster than I want so I'm cutting back my intake slightly (e.g. no more two breakfasts) in the interest of getting to a 0.5-1lb/week consistent gain.

Coming back after being sick+deload was terrible. Next time I deload I'm not dropping weights so much. I followed the blackironbeast 5/3/1 default deload which was too low (essentially just warm up sets) and left me feeling like I essentially skipped the whole week.

Otherwise lifting is going great. Have been consistent 3x/week. I am changing my program slightly by replacing the second BBB accessory lift on leg days with upper-body work. Still doing the 5x10 for deadlift and squat, but after that doing overhead or bench, plus pull-ups. This means I'm hitting a press movement every day in the gym.

Time Wasting

I'm allowing myself to waste enormous amounts of time lately. Last night the kids went to bed around 7:30. I went to bed after 11. I did at most an hour of real work in there and the rest of that time was entirely wasted. I sacrificed sleep to waste time.

I need to put structure around my "leisure" activities in the same way I did drinking and stop this. No more reddit at work, no exceptions. No more screen time after 9pm. The only exceptions are writing my own OYS posts and reading/responding to those specific replies, dealing with actual urgent work events, or doing things that directly accrue to my goals (YouTube no. Mint yes).

Social

Have been going to social events about 1x/week. Nothing scheduled for next week so I need to fix that. I'm thinking of joining a Toastmasters group to force myself to be social around a new group of people. Will look into that and attend next week if the calendar allows it.

Career

Time wasting is my biggest issue here. Addressed above. I need to cut the garbage first, then focus on all the other areas that I will improve.

Leadership

Stop wasting time. Use the reclaimed time to work on financials, home projects, etc.

Drinking

Have ended my completely dry spell after about a month. Have only had drinks at social events and have limited those as well. No drinks at home at all. This has been a complete win. I need to get more of this sort of win in other areas.

Wife Relationship

Holding steady here, which isn't a win. Gaming and sex are mostly unchanged the last few weeks. Getting a bit more compliance with sex but not a lot more enthusiasm. Fix myself and see what happens.

I'm pushing back on some compliance tests more effectively. (I don't get a lot of the harpy shit tests that other people talk about.) e.g. I was headed out to see a friend and my wife asked me if I could bring her the baby monitor. She knew I was leaving and chose to walk upstairs without the monitor. Told her no, I was heading out, and left. I'm also doing more tit-for-tat. She'll ask me to do random thing X that she could do. I'll say sure but then ask her to do Y. If she wants me to help the older kid brush teeth (or whatever) while I'm getting the younger one ready for bed, then she has to take over and finish getting the younger one ready. Other times I'm still missing/failing tests. One day I got home and she asked me to check the younger kid's diaper. I don't mind changing his diaper but this means she knew he had a smelly diaper and she waited for me to change it. Should have called her out on this.

Not much else to update on. Holding steady and need to do a lot better than that.

Ok can I just google the name of all the abbreviated names for the books because I have no fucking clue on what some of them are!

OYS 1

Stats:

MRP since January 2017 | 48 | 5'10" | 185lbs | 22% BF

​

Background:

USMC veteran. Met wife when I was poor, unemployed, and a 6-month old from my ex-girlfriend

Pre MRP: 215 pounds (was 240 at my heavyiest), drunk Captain, played video games for hours every night, classic dad bod with cargo pants, printed t-shirt and hiking boots, case of beer on the weekend and not doing much besides mowing the lawn. A lot of arguing and when are you going to take care of that?

Post MRP: 185, new clothes, no video games, things taking care of at the house (professional Dancing Monkey), a few beers a month. Able to identify and pass comfort/shit tests. IOIs from other people.

Family

Wife: 45, married 18 years, together 22

Children: 24 daughter, 12 daughter

Reading

Finished: MMSLP, MAP, Bang, Day Bang, The Way of the Superior Male, Ironwood Collection of Alpha Moves, Book of Pook, The Rational Male, Saving a Low Sex Marriage,

Currently Reading: WISNIFG

Physical

Squat: 140 | Deadlift: 270 | Bench: 160 | OHP: 75

Need to spend more time in the gym as currently doing mostly push ups and arm curls

Career

Work is doing well. Just completed a college course and an IT security certification.

Financial

Finances are good. Wife and I are both professionals and together make about $200k. I make $80k and she makes $120k. Note: The only time she asked me to make more money was when I was making $35k.

Marriage/Relationship

Dread Level 4

I agree from MRP learning that everything is my fault. I try to keep a good balance of Alpha/Beta around 60/40 and seems to be OK. Relationship is primarily a roommate relationship. Sex stopped about 5 years ago with only 3 sessions about 2 years ago of foreplay. Prior was porn star sex 1-2 per month. The recent article by Sepean on a Fearful-Avoidant Wife was almost exactly my wife. No contact at all, but OK with a quick kiss every now and then and very minimal kino. Going to work with Sepean's recommendations (and any others) of increasing my SMV.

I had the talk pre-MRP (just like in the Dead Bedroom forums) and no benefit at all. I am at the point where my BP self wants to have the talk again, but do not want to chance of losing anything I have now.

Personal

I enjoy hiking and meet up with friends/coworkers for hiking, biking, running, snowboarding, shooting, and airsoft.

Goals

Continue working out and would like to see abs again (last time in my 20s in the military)

OYS 8

35, 5’9”, 191.5 lbs, 18% BF, Married 6 years, together 10, just one little one

Current Lifts: B – 170 x 5, S-187x 5, OH-103 x 5, DL – 220 x 5, BR – 13 x 5

Week in review

Same song, same dance as last week. Typical days been work, home to take care of family, work, sleep. I realize I am starting to sound like a broken record, but work is ridiculous right now.

Building Habits

Lack of sleep is causing some bad habits to creep back in under the guise of "I have bee working so hard, so I earned X" or "This shitty activity will help me relax momentarily and then I will get a second wind and I can get back to things". Bad habits include not staying on top of my shit at home, eating junk food and wasting my time on the internet. I have also been failing at the waking up early thing, but I really have needed the extra sleep. The little one is re-discovering waking up at 1 am and 3 am screaming, so that has been fun. I discovered earlier this week that extended periods by myself, away from my computer is does more for relaxation/revitalization than any shitty habit I have so I am making it a point this week to go on a 30 minute solitary walk everyday this week to help collect myself.

My Health

Despite being busy as fuck, things are going OK here. Missed one day of lifting, but my lifts are still progressing and I am back to where I was about 1.5 years ago, before I fucked up my back, so I view that as a small win. I am still weak as fuck, but I don't fucking care. You move a mountain one rock at a time, and you get stronger one lift at a time. Despite a disruption in my diet I am still dropping weight. Waist has dropped 2 inches since I started taking this diet thing seriously, so there is another minor win. These minor wins just help motivate me to keep going, and boy do I have a long way to go. I still need to lose 21 lbs to reach my goal weight of 170.

My Frame

I have somehow managed to keep my shit together and not let stress or frustration get to me even though I am about a week or two away from getting completely burnt out. I suppose this is a small victory. Also managed to not lash out or get bitchy, so that's going well too. I do not want to say I am starting to enjoy the struggle, but I no longer hate it. Adversity builds strength and it forces you to stop sucking.

My work schedule is starting to take a tole on the wife. Shes been sick the past week, stuck at home with a rambunctious little one and an elderly family member of mine that lives with us, and picking up some of the slack in house hold duties left behind while I am working crazy hours. On top of that, she has her own challenges with work that are bringing her down. I hate seeing her so beaten down, and I am trying to not take responsibility for her emotions, but its been pretty hard not too. I trend toward pretty extreme ownership of my actions and how they impact others and the fact my ridiculous work schedule has been causing her hardship at home is eating away at me. I am constantly reminding myself that the best thing I can do for her is keep working my ass off, do as much as I can at home, and be positive and upbeat. When I am in a good mood, she is more likely to be in a good mood since my actions will cause a spillover effect.

OYS #12. First since March

Been getting complacent, happy with minimal results, but a month ago after a main event, I’ve been back to the RP grind.

Background: age 29, married 1.25 years, together 3. Wife 32. Stepson 9 (dad not in picture). Discovered RP July 18. Only actually dove in about Oct. 18.

Physical: 6’1, 191.8 down 8 since February. Squat 285 Bench 265 DL 375. These numbers have stalled as I’ve been working on my squat technique. Dead’s have been feeling better as I’ve been Sticking with the program, including lots of warmup and mobility.

Main Event and aftermath

A month ago a lot of stuff internally came to a head. Called my dad and broke down to him for the first time in my life: Finances, mortgage, non appreciative wife, stubborn step son, whining about not seeing results of my efforts. Proceeded to talk to my wife about things, but felt I didn’t victim puke too bad. Ever since then I said fuck that, dove back into RP and made it a point to own my shit each and every day.

However when it comes to the wife, I told her I don’t want to continue to try and have a kid if we’re on rocky ground. Of course that’s made her try harder and things have been better. Received two BJs and cavemanned her twice since Friday.

Thing is, I don’t know if I find her sexually attractive anymore. My beta ways agreed to marry her, and settle for less. Now that I’m constantly flirting with women and know I deserve the best because I am the prize, I am itching for more. Idk. Definitely struggling with this hard.

Makes me think I’ll be easier to burn it all down. But easier isn’t always the best path.

Lifting:

I only went to the gym 3 times since my last OYS, which is 1-2 less than I would like. My back day, yesterday, was garbage. I've been consistently progressing and sitting at a 1RM of about 385lbs until yesterday. I tried to pull 385 and couldn't even budge it, so I stripped off 20 pounds and tried again. Still not even getting it off the ground. Okay, I took the 25lbs off each side, moving it down to 315lbs (which I usually do 8+ reps of lately), I got 3 miserable reps out. I don't know why I felt so week. I've actually significantly improved my diet over the last week and gotten plenty of sleep. Whatever, maybe it was just an off day. Other than that, I'm fed up with my lack of real chest growth. I significantly reduced the amount of weight I'm benching from 195lbs to 135, changed my grip to be much narrower, and did slightly higher reps at laboriously slow speed. It felt really good afterwards, so I'll check in again in a week to report whether or not I think that's a better strategy.

Relationship/Sex

Extremely good this last week. I haven't had any issues at all since the last thing I reported 2 weeks ago. She's also been significantly more submissive and feminine since I took over the finances. Everything is smooth sailing and the sex has been great. I'm focusing a bit on trying to improve my stamina and prolong foreplay. I watched a handful of Daniel Rose' (the author of Sex God Method) Youtube videos and was inspired to try mixing things up a bit. No complaints in this area right now.

Career:

This one gets interesting. I was offered a pretty big promotion at work this last week. The problem is this: it would require me to move to an area of my state, about an hour from where I live now, that I absolutely hate. It was a big enough raise and offered enough additional corporate exposure that I had to consider it. Even after a reasonably generous offer, I decided I didn't want to take the move, but rather than just turn it down, I decided to counter offer them with a figure that would make the move a no-brainer for me. They actually considered my number for a few days, but ultimately said that it was too high. I told them that I couldn't do the move for less than that and turned down the promotion. It's a little bitter sweet, because I could use some extra money, but the area I live in right now offers me to many positive opportunities to grow and the move just wasn't right for what they were offering. I have no regrets about turning it down.

Education:

I started school officially a few days ago. Nothing really to report here except that it feels like I'm on the right path. I'm tired as fuck of being a low-earner.

Reading:

Currently still finishing up Deep Work by Cal Newport. It's a good read. Like many personal development books, it could be about 1/3rd the length that it is, but still a good read. I still want to revisit the sidebar material and I just purchased The Manipulated Man and 48 Laws of Power, so those are close followers on the chopping block.

Other:

My main focus in my life right now is managing my time. I've been fucking terrible at it my whole life. Even through a good part of my RP journey I've been bad at it. I never learned to do shit that needs doing in a timely manner and it leaked into every aspect of my life. The books that have been helping me through this are The Slight Edge and Deep Work. However, significantly more helpful than those books has been the influence of Jordan Peterson's lectures and interviews. His talks on personal responsibility are really what prepared me to try to be here in the first place. Anyways, I still waste a lot of time, but I'm getting better. The things I'd like to work on currently are how much time I spend checking Reddit (ironically) and other social media.

OYS #11

OVERVIEW

Me: 36, 6’4”, 217 lbs (+2), 25% BF (+1). Wife: 35. Kids: 11G, 5G. Married 8 years, together 12. Lifts: SQ 250 x 9, BP 205 x 6, DL 290 x 12

BACKGROUND

Former college athlete and arrogant bastard. Acted like a child when I got my current wife pregnant. Got married and proceeded to pay reparations for my past sins for the first 5 years of marriage. She stopped caring. I kept on being a submissive man-boy hooked on food, video games, and porn. Discovered MRP about a year ago. False start for a couple months, but didn’t do reading/OYS or stay hungry. In it to win it now, hence OYS.

I gained five fucking pounds this weekend, but I’m counting the experience as a success. Before you start ringing the bell and shouting, “SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!” at me, hear me out. For thirty years, I’ve had issues with tying my emotional state to binge eating. I still feel this way, but far less acutely, and I have greater resolve to resist binging when I recognize the urge. Sunday was my 36th birthday, so rather than stressing over how to manage my eating that day, I planned to just go nuts on whatever junk came across my path.

So, how was planning for an epic birthday binge that undid three weeks worth of dieting a success? Simple - it was untethered from my emotional state. I was in control of what I ate and when I ate it. I had baked goods, movie theater popcorn, soda, a frappucino, and more Oreos than I can count, but never did I feel the compulsion to keep stuffing my face or that I was unable to stop. I ate all shit because it tasted good and it was birthday. The fact that I wouldn’t “allow” myself to have it later is a separate issue for me to figure out. And, I felt like shit Monday morning on through to Tuesday night. My junk food hangover is strange to think about considering my birthday binge was a typical weekend day of eating for me three months ago.

I finished “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and found it entertaining and interesting all the way through. There were a fair number of observations that had a direct impact on some stuff going on at work, and it added another voice to the chorus of accountability and stoicism that runs through all the MRP sidebar material. On u/SBill’s suggestion, I’ve started reading BPP’s book, which thus far is a decent summarization of stuff I’ve read or heard elsewhere. Makes sense seeing as he basically states that’s what his book aims to be. The first couple chapters have me thinking about shit tests and how I’ve regressed a bit in dealing with them.

There’s definitely some low-level dread building now, at least regarding my getting into better shape. My daughter continues to be a wonderful hype man. We were driving home from a soccer game and there was a guy running with his shirt off. She loudly exclaimed, dad has way more muscles than that guy and then went on and on about how much stronger I was than him. Over the next few days, my wife made a number of comments about how healthy I am and how fit I am getting. She’s also made a lot more of an effort in cleaning up the house and dressing up. Still not receptive to initiations, but definitely more interested in interacting with me in general. She also said to me out of nowhere, “Why aren’t you being affectionate with me any more?” I kind of just shrugged and said I hadn’t noticed

I felt really out of balance the past week - I keep moving and driving forward on my goals and in getting the house in order. Even when taking a bit of a step back with my diet progress, I feel really good about my lifting and nutrition. I’m more organized than I’ve ever been, both at home and at work. And financially, we’re in a really stable place now thanks to my more diligent management of our budget.

But, I know that I’m just not that fun to be around for anyone. I’m having a hard time flipping the switch from get-shit-done mode to cocky-funny-confident guy. Also, I don’t have dependable friends or a steady social outlet, and I’m in the process of figuring out how much of a problem that is. My sex drive seems to alternate from raging hard-on 24/7 to no interest whatsoever from week-to-week. Finally, I’m feeling frustrated by the need for patience in achieving my goals.

It’s the entitlement thing I keep reading about - I still crave the short-term highs. I’ve cut sugar, alcohol, video games, and porn out of my life, so I don’t have that steady supply of immediate gratification. It’s been that way for more than ten weeks now and life feels kind of flat when I finally slow down enough from crossing shit off my to-do list to relax. Like I said, I’m out of balance, and need to figure out how to channel some of that energy into being a fun and engaged father, husband, and man.

[deleted]

OYS WEEK 1

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Age: 30

Married, twin 2 year old boys.

​

Physical:

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 146lb

Workout: 531 BBB. This week is the start of my third four week cycle on 531. Started lifting in January with 5x5.

1RM: Squat: 265lb; Bench: 180lb; Dead lift: 226lb; Shoulder Press: 154lb

Not drinking enough water or eating breakfast. Haven't logged anything in myfitnesspal in several days. Feel more fatigued from workouts than normal and I know its my diet. I get sick of having to log stuff in it all day so I got burnt out I think. Hoping taking a few days off of logging and then going back into it will prevent me from quitting logging food altogether. I also struggle with having access to water or lunch. I think I need to find a more permanent solution like a large water bottle and a lunch box. Shit has been out of sorts lately and I need to get my act together. I don't work tomorrow so my plan is to make a list of all the little shit I haven't done lately and just do it.

​

Reading:

Just finished reading MAP and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" last week so I'm taking a short break before I pick up my next book. I've made pretty good progress through the list here and it's been beneficial. Reading Children of Dune in the meantime for fun.

​

Career:

I have a tendency to avoid problems at work. Sometimes until the point where little problems become giant problems. Doing my best to suck it up and face some of these things as they come and get them off my plate. This week has been good at ending a lot of work stress. Need to get significantly better at communication. I struggle communicating difficult messages or engaging in uncomfortable conversations. The anxiety is worse than the conversations but I still have a hard time not avoiding, especially if there is other stress in my life.

​

Relationship:

After about a year of struggling and working, I have got my marriage to a point where it's not the worst part of my life. Actually, it's one of the bright spots now (most of the time). The main issue with it right now is after all of my work and progress, I struggle feeling loved. It's like I had to earn it which isn't what I expected when I got married. I told my therapist that it's like the difference of when I had a nicotine addiction to before I had one. A single hit was nice, but being addicted and not having access to a vape or cigarette (like in a movie or long work day) then coming back to it was so much more satisfying. Needing something and getting it was much more rewarding than not needing something and having it. My self esteem has significantly improved and it's not based on other people or my wife. I just don't need her anymore for it and so now I don't feel those intense feelings. I think it's a healthy change, but I kind of miss the intensity.

​

Social:

I'm an introvert. I don't like to use it as an excuse for poor social skills but it is definitely a factor in them being underdeveloped. Groups of 2-5 people are the best but I'm frequently having to socialize in large groups of 10 people and I don't do as well. This was a cause of significant anxiety for me several months ago and I was desperate for validation but I kept saying the wrong thing or doing something dumb because I get overwhelmed after awhile of being social. I'm past needing validation from them but the social exhaustion remains. The problem here is that I don't really care about accidentally offending someone or seeming disinterested because I don't really want these friendships anyways. My wife takes notice and doesn't love it. For her sake I would like to improve my social skills and awareness but I don't even know where to begin for this exact problem.

​

Mission:

I have no fucking clue. I'm a ship without a rudder. For the longest time my goal was to fix my marriage and my home life. Sex whenever I wanted it seemed like such a pipe dream that I thought it would be a lifetime goal. It's been a year of progress and I've essentially got it (always room for improvement but the progress is consistent and good) but the process changed me so much I don't need it. Now I don't know what I need. I don't even know what I want. I've been married for 7 years and I gave up so much of myself to be a "good husband (lol)" and father. Before that my life consisted of illegal street racing and playing video games all night (obviously I have no desire to recreate this existence). I could really use some help or guidance on this.

OYS 046 190521

Stats:

The Pitfalls of Reframing

Year one was has passed with what I can consider a high level of success. It wasn’t perfect of course, but a big win for sure.

A continuing problem I have is typing out very long OYS’ just to delete them after I re-read for proofing. The posts I delete are not DEERing as much as they used to be, but more the result of “a problem well stated is half solved”. The general solution most of the time is “it is in my control” which was part of my mantra for most of year one. While everything is certainly not in my control, the way I view my results are… enter “Reframing”.

Reframing seems to be a pretty good technique to deploy. It can change attitudes from negative to positive, it is fairly easy to implement as only one person needs to know the reframing is occuring, it is effective, and it is quite possibly the most delusional technique yet. Ever since I was introduced to the term “Child With Dynamite” and the giant mirror the term held up in front of my face a little over a year ago, I have been very wary about deploying “techniques” as solutions.

Pick-Up, while useful, solved my first level dry penis problem, but left the real issue to fester and rear its ugly head after the seduction was complete. Dread, while useful, solved my second level dry penis problem, but it too did not solve my deeper issues, in fact it made my issues stand out very clearly in my mind. Reframing appears to solve several ego problem by redirecting investments elsewhere, but it certainly doesn’t fix the underlying issue. Reframing as a technique is just as “dynamitee” as Pick Up was.

Don’t get me wrong, reframing is useful. After getting piloried here in MRP for my ego investment, I did a reframe and I now know that being big and healthy is a massive win for my mission. However, even in the reframe, I am still not there 100%.

Goals for Year Two

Repair my social life. My social life is fucked, probably always was. I know what I have to do… find or even build a group of high quality men I can meet with on a regular basis and form genuine friendships with.

Create video content twice a week to increase my YT subscriber count from 4000 to 6000 by the end of the year. I have a science channel, I am known in my industry, but to stay the leader, I have no choice but to bust my balls.

Figure out how the hell to monetize my content. Hardest yet… I have been trying.... Maybe there is a consultancy that can help me figure this out.

Learn to date again. I have a captive audience, she wants me to do it. Do it.

OYS #3

Stats:

34yo, 6'2", 191 lbs., SL5x5 - SQ: 195 5x5 BP: 120 5x5 BR: 130 5x5 OHP: 80 5x5 DL: 215 1x5

Mission:

This is what I have so far, rediscover my passions and build my foundation to have an adventurous and passionate life.

Reading: Listing to Book of Pook audio( I am getting a different perspective from the audio instead of reading it) plus reading a section a day off WISNIFG. I really need the refresher. I go full DEER tard mode without it.

Physical Finally failed a lift. I could not do set 5 of OHP @80LBS. drop to 75 and did the last two reps. Still tracking my calories and I can really tell that I was starving my growth potential. I'm still feeling stuffed all the time but paint through it. I have not noticed any real fast gain yet. So I might have to add more calories in. My mood is better with the extra calories too.

​

Career/Finances

Career is going great and budget is holding steady but I slacked on updating the budget. I usually keep a log on the fridge of our problem categories. That was the real turning point in our budgeting when we saw it staring at us every time we opened the fridge.

Marriage:

Shit show this week! Completely DEER'd two whole days this week. I felt terrible internally for doing it. But I realized I was being a total ass for three days straight before that. No wonder she but of the handle with her shit tests I deserved them and couldn't handle it. I was a little bitch boy.

Looking back at it, I had a couple of beers each time this happened. I have to nix the alcohol completely for now. I still haven't internalized everything so if I impair my brain at all I revert to little bitch boy. Does anyone else have a problem when they have a few drinks?

Didn't initiate the days I was being a little bitch but after I got over myself I step up my game and went three for three and she initiated once in to of that. I got decent sex when I initiate but got some crazy kinky sex when she initiated. Which was shocking cause the little one has been getting up in the middle of the night lately with bad dreams which had been her excuse of being quite. So we don't wake up the little one. When she wants it nothing get in the way.

Leadership:

​After I got over my bitch boy days I really focused on tasking her with little things that I usually do and things she always does anyways just to see if she would bock at it or if she found gladly follow. I think that she actually likes it. It takes a big load off my shoulders. I know what needs to get done and have always tried doing it all myself but failed cause I was running in seven differrnt directions. I felt a deep calm after I resuffled and cleared my plate for more long term planning.

​

Goals from last week:

-Track all my food and eat at least 3200 Kcals COMPETED

-Make room in the schedule for the next hike with the group. COMPLETED

-Read up on Day game and try it out on two random woman. COMPLETED ( One of the times I had my kid with me. I started chatting up a HB7 red head in Target. I used negging and lite kino. Then she takes my phone from the little ones hands. Only to find my wife's contact info in my favorites. She looks at me, looks at my ring and says "I never do this but" proceeds to put her number in. That's when I went home and stopped my DEERing.

Goals this week:

-No DEERing

• rework my mission

-find a new specialist and get more of my medical crap under control.

• start a conversation with two guys to start this whole guy friend thing. Always been a lone wolf, except in the military. So we'll see.

-Find the hottest girl I can and crash and burn on some day game. I think I need a good reality check. Got a little too cocky last week.

Goals for the next month:

-Going slow and steady

-Eating like a house and making big gains(Something I really want right now) Getting there

-Talk to one random woman a day( Get comfortable being uncomfortable in this arena) Started on low SMV and have had fun with it.

-Get 1 new friend( no real friends in the area- just guys at work not real friends. Not sure I will have real friends like I had in the military but I have to at least try.)Harder than I thought. I really need to chat up guys as well. Sounds weird to write and reread but how else am I going to make friends.

OYS #10

29, 5’7, 150lb, no kids, married 1 year, together 2

LIFTS:

Bench: 190x10 Deadlift: 225x6 Squat: 195x5 OHP: 115

MISSION

• Be a good leader in life to the benefit of myself, my family, colleagues, subordinates and superiors.

• Achieve financial independence.

• Be mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually fit.

• Bring value to my relationships

READING

NMMNG, WISNIFG, Models, MMSLP, Book of Pook, Rational Male, SGM, MAP, WOTSM (40% done), Extreme Ownership (30% done)

I’m finishing both books by next OYS. I’ve been seriously slacking with reading.

MENTAL

This is the first time I'm adding a mental section because since I've stopped lifting, I feel like I have all this extra mental bandwith. When I get home from work, I don't feel tired (because I don't have a lifting session to recover from). I look at my phone for all of 2 minutes because I've uninstalled all social media and get bored of reddit after \~5 minutes unless there is a post on MRP or askMRP. I just feel bored. All my goals are long term and taking on extra things would probably just delay achieving them.

I want to get into real estate investing, but want to make sure I'm in a good financial position before buying the first property. I want to lift, but there is a test I want to make sure I'm ready for. I want to pay off a CC just to see some progress but the paycheck doesn't come in for another week. Even though I know the prudent thing to do is wait, not lifting has me bursting with energy that I can't funnel into liftin gfor another two weeks. I know it'll be gone in two weeks so tackling another hobby/project I can't finish is just not the play.

CAREER & FINANCE

Wife started classes for her career change last week. She’s a teacher and school year is over tomorrow. She’s been double dipping and going to classes right after work until 10. She’s putting the time in, spent four hours on both Saturday & Sunday studying. I helped her a little bit by checking her Physics homework (engi). She applied and got approved for an online tutoring in so we’ll have a little extra money coming in during the summer. This will help us start out real estate investing faster than planned.

I tested out my side hustle. I’m able to clear \~$100/hr on the weekends. The plan is to do at least enough to max out both her IRA and mine every year.

I used up a good chunk of my credit card rewards to pay debt off. At the end of the month, I’ll only have $1200 of CC debt left and it’s at 0% interest until March 2020. The rest of the debt has interest low enough that I’ll take them to the end of the loan terms.

RELATIONSHIP & SEX:

I think I like my wife. I’ve been staying up until she gets home to spend time with her before going to sleep. Sex during weekdays has gone down because I’m dog tired by the time she gets home. Not lifting also seems to have decreased by libido as well.

PHYSICAL:

I’m not lifting at all at this point. All that matters is getting a 90 on the PT test in two weeks. I know I can max out the pushup and sit-up portions already. The run is the only thing that’s up in the air. It’s getting hot as balls outside (high of 94 today) and hope I can do well enough to get the score I want. The heat makes me a much slower runner. I’m also losing a little bit of weight because that too effects run speed. Gains are nice, but they’re not a job requirement, this test is.

I’m really excited to get back to lifting though. I even have a couple of new pieces of equipment for the ol’ garage gym that I’m dying to use.

SOCIAL:

My computer is down in my office. This has forced me to commandeer the computer of someone that’s currently on vacation. I’m sitting among my troops and that alone is making me be more social than sitting in my office.

GOING FORWARD:

• Continue for the incoming PT test

​

edit: added mental section

OYS Week 13- Beginning to see daylight

 

Stats - 47 years old. 6'3" 201 lbs (gaining weight per a lot of feedback from 180 lbs maybe 2 months ago). 20% bf. Wife 47, married 9 years with 3 kids 8, 7 and 5.

 

Physical / Health - Deadlift 225. Bench 170. Squat 160. OP 120. Row (4 sets 100). Working with a trainer.

 

Books - I have been reading and listening to audio books especially when traveling back and forth between 2 cities. It's mind opening. I felt very incompetent (consciously incompetent) the past 2 weeks although I'm cutting myself some slack and just staying the course.

 

MMSLP – SMV. MAP. Captain and Officer.
WISNIFG – Life being assertive versus not.
Ration Male – Plate theory. Women’s core desire.
The Unchained Man - Live your mission. The Game, Mystery Method, Venusian Arts Handbook - Attraction, Comfort and Seduction.
48 Laws of Power - just started.
MAP - just bought.

 

Mission - I will apply my skills to improve organizational outcomes. I will always have enough money to maintain security for myself and kids.

 

Career - I just took a job in another city 7 hours away from wife and kids who will join me end of June. I am cautious and tend to overthink the politics based on prior bad experiences. I'm a bit paranoid to be honest which I'll work on through CBT exercises, lifting and yoga.

 

Finances - Paying down debt and will be glad when we're all living in one place.

 

Relationship - My relationship is improving. STFU, minimizing texting, AA and not being as needy - things feel better between us. We are not fighting as much and she follows my lead on some things.

 

Last week she initiated sex for the first time in almost a year. It was starfish with some engagement - which for me is a major shift. I followed NMMNG and focused on my gratification. She is beginning to workout again perhaps because I am.

 

This article hit me hard (https://therationalmale.com/2013/12/03/saving-the-best/) as she was very sexual in prior relationships with men and women. Based on all the books, it seems like women don't do as crazy things with men that are beta providers - although will enter and stay in a relationship with them. It's their nature. They will go and want to go further with an alpha. We met as she was hitting the wall so I've always wondered if the relationship was about kids and being a provider. She stopped BJ's after our first kid - quotes some movie "who wants a dick in their mouth?" - which she did quite a bit in year one. I am hoping my continued progress may someday result in experiencing some of that again - or things we've not done that she's done before.

 

I canceled our therapy appointment because they became things I weren't doing or how she wanted us to be friends again. I think this is misguided. She wants me to be a man. I am focusing on taking care of business (movers, finances, etc.) which I've just allowed her to have to pick it up in the past. She is having some kind of complications (swelling around her face, lymph nodes and itchyness) that we can't determine what it is. Perhaps from her gyn surgery in January. She's been to 13 doctors appointments in the past 3 months. I think it's time to ask for help from some of my physician friends.

 

OI/Validation - I have validation pulling at me to the point of paranoia at work. It's old childhood shit that I need to get under control. May go back to my own therapist (in other city) as I'm anxious at work and I think it is noticeable.

 

OYS Week 32

Stats:

Age: 35; Heights: 74 in; Weight: 201; BF: 16% (navy method); Wife: 38, (together 17, married 13); Children: 2 kids – 5 and 10

Readings: WISNIFG, NMMNG (x2), Rational Male, Book of Pook, MMSLP (x2), MAP, Meditations, Way of the Superior Man, Sex God Method, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Models, Ironwood Alpha Moves, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Bang, Day Bang, Saving a Low Sex Marriage, Re-read Saving a Low Sex Marriage

Current Reading: Re-read sections of MMSLP, and WISNIFG. Focus on re-read of SGM this week.

Physical / Health

Lifts Estimated 1RM (easier for me to track): BR: 198, BP: 192, DL: 315, OP:124, SQ: 250

Kept pushing the weights and mentally challenged myself instead of thinking I would fail. Lifts all kept going up except BP.

I need to look into supplements to help with fat loss and muscle building. I’m at a point where fat loss is very slow but I do not want to drop calories more as that impacts lifts and energy. Any thoughts here on how to jump start dropping these 5-6 lbs of fat I want to burn?

Cals and macros: 2400 target, 40% protein, 30% fat, 30% carbs

Career / Finance

Nothing new this week. Continue leading projects.

Relationship

Last week I was frustrated not seeing progress… a mental barrier/model/whatever you want to call it broke and I stopped caring. I looked in the mirror and saw a guy who is starting to look good, who is confident in himself, who is fun and friendly, and is going to have an enjoyable life.

Anniversary was Tuesday, wife was sick, took care of her, carried her to bed, tucked her in early. Wednesday she was better, I was being playful – sent her a text to come to bed and put on something sexy. “You can’t order me around, you can’t tell me what to do”. That started shit test after shit test for 3.5 days. I do not think this was a main event; just prolonged shit tests. I gave few fucks (not zero, but very few). I felt… entertainment? It was funny to me. AA, fogging, negative inquiry, ignoring, etc. were all vital, but came naturally.

• I could predict her moves… wedding ring off, move stuff to the spare bedroom, say she wants a divorce, say I’m an asshole, selfish, a pervert, not who she married. She married someone nice and loving – not a selfish dick. “My dick’s not selfish, it’s a very giving dick, I’ll give it to you now”.
• I reinforced my view and what I wanted in life… She thinks I’m a sex addict, all her friend’s husbands are happy with 1-2x a month and never complain. I just responded with “That may be, but I’m going to have a fun sexual relationship”. I didn’t demand her to do anything, just set out what I will get out of life.
• I was sad… but for her… that she was going to miss out on an awesome life if she chose to leave.
• I had fun! So much so I got her laughing a few times despite her bitch shields: “you’ve done a complete 360 from who you were when we were married”… I started spinning in circles before she corrected to a complete 180.
• Found some foaming glass cleaner on my car one morning – she wrote ASS on it. Next day I wrote “Nice Ass” on her mirror.
• I don’t expect logic anymore. “I liked you more when you were fat, lazy, slept all the time, but was nice” to “I put up with your fat, lazy ass for years and never complained” in less than a minute. I let her know old sucky me was dead, replaced by a better version.
• On the last day I was tired of being around her… so I went out and saw John Wick 3. Good movie, highly recommend. Came home, she asked me how Starbucks and what movie I saw – she was tracking me via bank account. This is hilarious to me. Claims she doesn’t care since she’s divorcing me, and then she cares so much that she’s trying to figure out where I am and what I’m doing?
• Women can invent some crazy shit– you just bought a car to make sure I wouldn’t have one if I divorced you since we were planning to pay mine off, you’re going out cheating instead of going to Muay Thai, you’re working out because you want to abandon our family.
• She was surprised, shocked, angry when she asked straight out if I found other women attractive. “Well, yes I do, I’m not a homosexual”. I think she seriously thought I did not (ok I used to tell her I did not, she was the only one I saw… what a faggot). It was foreign to her that she was not up on a pedestal any longer. She tried to convince me that it was wrong to do so, she NEVER did so, and didn’t to be with someone interested in other women.
• I DEERd once regarding the attractive women thing… I explained for a few seconds that of course I find other women attractive and notice them. I’m a guy and a human and it’s natural. Then I caught myself and stopped that explaining. I see this as the only time I DEER’d.
• After she started calming down, I went out to grab coffee and she came. She noticed that the barista at Starbucks (mid-20s, pretty cute) was flirting with me and accused me of flirting and how gross it was since she was probably 15 years younger than me. I told her she was cute when she gets jealous.
• I think this may have been a slap in the face and wakeup call that she has no control over me any longer and that holy shit I am pulling ahead. Maybe, maybe not, who cares… I need to stop thinking about what it means.
• AWALT… AWALT… AWALT. My wife is nothing unique. I’ve done a disservice to myself and her by being a supplicating faggot all these years.
• Am I fucked up for enjoying this and finding it entertaining and fun?

This deescalated quickly. I guess her hamster was tired. We were laying on the couch, I started some light petting under a blanket (kids were in the room). She was dripping wet and I could feel it through her pants. We fucked so much Saturday night. Multiple positions, her on top, passionate kissing, some very minor anal play by me – rubbing around her asshole (never have done this). Slapped her, pulled her hair, flipped her around, held her down. It was incredible… the best sex of… I think ever. Holy fuck, my wife likes to be dominated in bed… I have no idea how many times she came, but our bed had a large wet spot from her pussy juices. She was still uncomfortable with some things (e.g. oral), but I just moved on to something else. Need to keep pushing the boundaries, it will benefit both of us. We then had an almost as good repeat Sunday night. And then again last night.

A good shift in myself through all this. I’ve stopped thinking about what she wants and am focused on what I want. I know there are improvements to make – there always will be – but I deserve a good enjoyable life - with her, without her, whatever. I do hope she comes along for the ride, but it’s not a requirement – I will get what I want in this life (I am just now realizing what that is). Whatever clicked in my brain has created a whole new way of seeing my life. I can’t fully explain it in words… it’s a liberating feeling though.

Random Thoughts

My blue pill friend went through a shit week with his marriage. Such polar opposites in approach. I am mostly relieved that THIS ISN’T ME ANYMORE, but it is sad and depressing to hear him talk about his wife. He apologized to her, asked her what he could do differently, bought her flowers, made dinner, did things for her, promised to change and try more. His wife isn’t happy with her life, feels he’s not giving her what she needs (emotionally I guess?), she doesn’t want to make all the decisions. I ran down the events from my week. He looked horrified at some of my comments to my wife and said I had to have some balls on me. I didn’t see it as having balls, just having fun. He’s so worried about what he can do differently, doesn’t want her to leave him, and this is just pushing him to a divorce. So sad once you start seeing the code in the Matrix.

Goals for this week

1. Re-read sections of Sex God Method

2. Maintain frame and not grow complacent

3. Look into supplements to help with nutrition/lifting/fat burning

4. Recognize comfort tests this week if/when they occur

5. Buy wife flows and rub her feet Fuck dominantly and try 1 new thing in bed.

OYS #4

Lifting: a couple new 5 rep PR’s via madcow for the past month. Doing 165 on OHP, 240 bench, weighted pull-ups with 35 lb weight for a really slow 5x8, and good accessory work. Was never a pull-up/machine or cable pull-down guy in any of my previous phases of lifting. I’m not the biggest I’ve ever been but my back work overall is relatively better than its ever been.

Home: doing a lot of maintenance and new projects. Have a lot of travel planned this summer so want to spend this Memorial Day tying up stuff. Doesn’t seem like the most fun thing to plan for the wife versus some trip but I’m workingon some things to sprinkle in as mid-day and evening entertainment.

Game/Frame: staying in my mindset much better lately. Trying to game and kino when it feels right but am starting to just do my own stuff more over the past week or two as the roommate who I have a ring isn’t really being receptive to being the kind of wife I want/she sort of was. She decided to spend this past weekend at her parents’ place a couple hours away while I worked on the house, went out with friends, and had a good time.

I notice occasional improvement in her attitude, she wants to cuddle occasionally versus turning away or cuddling with the dog. I used to be angry that I wouldn’t get any sort of affection at bed time via cuddles let alone sex. No but hurt at all now and find it increasingly gross that she wants to cuddle the smelly dog. I trained her (who grew up sleeping with the family dogs) and our first dog that it wasn’t okay to share a bed. We got the second dog a couple years ago and it has separation anxiety from her. Been training the dog to break it but she eats up the attention from him. Weird. And getting him to not sleep in the bed is going to be a slow boundary I need to set given how neurotic the dog is (shelter dog).

I haven’t let any covert contracts or shit tests slip through, maybe mishandled a comfort test here or there but I think it was honestly just her trying to spin words to pick a fight versus a true comfort test. I admit to dropping some comments though with double meanings given the level of lack of commitment from her to the relationship that I have been working on... she has been asking what I think she should do given she is uncertain of whether she likes her current career. No strong opinion from here but she hasn’t responded well in the past to my given leadership in this area so I generally fog. “What do you think you should do?”

Her: I don’t know.

Me: you should really decide whether you are passionate about what you are doing. No one likes every part of their job but if you like it, then work through the shortcomings and put your heart into it. If it isn’t for you, then let’s find something better for you to do.

Her: I never do anything half heartedly! (BS)

Me: well, if you are on the fence about progressing in this job then maybe it isn’t for you. Let’s look for something else this weekend.

Her: (angry) well, I don’t know what I want and storms off

I don’t really know whether she is upset by my fogging interpretations, if she is catching double meanings and feeling dread about my more consistent frame of NGAF, if I’m being a faggot for playing the game like this, or otherwise but at least I’m getting some reaction besides the coldness and ignore combo hits I’ve gotten for months. Good or bad, I like it better.

A couple new women have been giving feelz at work. Don’t shit where I eat but nice to have women a point or two hotter than your wife, and more put together, going out of their way to show interest on the regular. Just helps keep the game active even though nothing is really working at home. Pushing seven months with no sex (probably 5 since I started choking down the pill even though I started sidebarring before then), once in the last 10 months total because I pleaded for it enough back then. Makes me sick now thinking about it, but probably not as sick as when I think about how long this spell has been. No kids... why the fuck am I trying to grind through this again?

Hobbies since last posting: New cocktail recipe I’m digging - sake, bitter lemonade, activated charcoal, and agave if you like it sweet Wood projects with red cedar, yellow locust from a stump that I cut down, and color stained shou sugi ban reclaimed wood, all layered in an epoxy finish Welding up a structural metal component for the home Making some cash from these side hobbies but honestly so the projects because I like the tactile work and the design elements of it

Work: caught back up since earlier posts. Going to break 200k again this year in my profession gig. Joined a new committee with a local trade group and been more involved with my non-profit work

OYS - 01

Stats

• 34 years old.
• 6'2", 185lbs, too fat and unconditioned.
• LTR 3.5 years, 1 kid less than a year old.

The Story So Far

Career Beta. Worked my ass off to get other people ahead. This didn't materialise in the dream life I imagined, so I became a cynical, bitter, complaining bitch.

Heavy drinker from my mid teens to late twenties. Alcohol makes me aggressive and daring, and therefore helped me hide the fact that was a scared, low-T faggot. All the openers I did with women I managed to fuck were done at least somewhat drunk.

Hardcore stoner in my early twenties. Weed helped me get out of my own head, and get lost in music or movies. I used it to stop the hamster wheel in my head, and to calm my anxiety over things I should have done, but didn't.

About 7 years ago I started my long journey of getting my shit together. Did the usual blue pill stuff, which partly worked, and partly didn't. Found TRP a year ago, but it didn't really click until I found the MRP.

Mission

Still in progress, but one of my weaknesses is that I really like helping people. Beyond the obvious warnings signs of this potentially being a Career Beta tendency, I really seem to enjoy seeing people succeed after having them given advice.

The challenge is how to help people while avoid getting exploited, or creating covert contracts.

Financial Life

Current Situation

Finances are extremely tight due to having financed a new house, while renting a place to live in during construction. Nearly all bills for completed work have been paid.

The J-O-B is going fine, however the company I work for keeps going down the PC route more and more. Need to plan for the inevitable exit when I say something that doesn't fit the leftie narrative. I don't plan on this being anytime soon, but I need to prepared if and when it happens.

Started work on an online course I want to sell, but did not get beyond the introduction.

This Week

1. Get on top of all the various bills, and figure out the available budget that can be spent on house items that are still unfinished.
2. Hammer out two lessons of the course.

Woman Life

Current Situation

The girlfriend is generally a bit less bitchy than in the weeks before. We fucked again after a long two month break.

As we are finally somewhat settled in the new home, this should leave us more space to actually be a couple, rather than two work colleagues cohabiting and taking care of a child.

This Week

1. Start reading The Virtue of Selfishness.
2. Continue reading The Unchained Man.
3. Create couple situations and keep initiating.

Family Life

Current Situation

After having moved, I'm having less contact with my family. Due to all the tasks related to the move, fun time with the lady and the kid has been rare.

This Week

1. Visit my mother for a cup of coffee.
2. Do a fun activity with the lady and the kid.

Physical Life

Current Situation

A solid week of training after the 6 week layoff due to moving houses. Moved from a two day split to a three day split. This should give my joints and tendons more time to recover between sessions.

Also implemented cardio, which is entirely new to me. I use a jump rope, as it's cheap and convenient. Did two short sessions that were already pretty hard, but plan on upping this to three 30-minute sessions over the medium term.

Diet leaves a lot to be improved. Still got lingering pain in my elbows and shoulders that needs addressing.

This Week

1. Lift three times per week.
2. Three cardio sessions.
3. Daily rehab and prehab work.

Social Life

Current Situation

Social life has suffered before and after the house move. Since the most urgent work is now done, it's time to make it a priority again.

I now live two streets away from a buddy of mine. We ran into each other the other day, which resulted in spontaneous beer drinking and shit talking. It reminded me how much I need these interactions to be happy.

This Week

Research and organise a social gathering with my friends. A bunch of them watch football, but they do so in a rather loner way, at home. I do not think that spending a Wednesday night in front of the TV drinking a six pack will get me closer to my goals, even with a buddy.

The challenge is to find something interesting to do, that does not just revolve around the drinking, or sitting in front of a TV.

Recreational Life

Current Situation

Relied on junk TV and websites to escape the relax after busy days. I need to stop wasting the small bit of precious downtime I have to actually recover, and not drain even more of my energy.

This Week

1. Find a fun or interesting TV series that I can use as a reward after having completed important tasks. Seems like there's only junk available nowadays. People recommend that I watch Game if Thrones, but that's absolutely not my kind of thing.
2. Ensure that I include reading of books into my day. The weather has been getting nicer, and nothing relaxes me more than reading a good book in the fresh air.

Spiritual Life

Current Situation

Bought an introductory book to stoicism, but didn't prioritise reading it. I also didn't keep up my daily habit of journaling, which is something I'm trying out.

Overall I want to implement things that keep me from being a passive-aggressive, cynical bitch that can't handle his emotions.

This Week

1. Read introduction to Stoicism.
2. Do daily journaling.

OYS #3

Stats:

• 38 y/o
• 6'5", 105kg
• Married 7 years, together 10 years

Lifting:

• Squat: 95kg
• Bench: 90kg
• Row: 65kg
• OHP: 60kg
• DL: 110

Lifting has been going well. I'm getting in 3x a week and adding in some running and other accessory lifts on those days. I'm still building up weights after a back injury a year ago kept me out of the gym for about 9 months.

​

Background: Born and raised in the US, moved overseas to play rugby, met my wife and currently live overseas. In the past, when I was single, I was very extrovert, alpha, and never had any problems with girls. However, whenever I had a girlfriend, I became the opposite, a total beta. I've been doing the sidebar reading the last couple of months and have just recently starting to put the reading into motion.

​

Family

Children: 5 y/o twin girls, 3 y/o son

Two years ago, one of my twin daughters was diagnosed with a brain tumour. This was definitely the most stressful time of my life, and although she finished treatment a year ago and is doing great, I have developed anxiety and also think I've turned into a hypochondriac. She goes in for her every 6 months MRI at the beginning of June, but have no reason to think anything would be other than positive.

​

Reading

Finished: MMSLP, WISNIFG, NMMNG, Rational Male Vol 1 & 2, Models, The Unchained Man - Alpha 2.0

Currently Reading: The Blue Pill Professor's Saving a Low Sex Marriage and listening to the audiobook of NMMNG for the 2nd time.

​

Physical

My diet has been good this week, but still much room for improvement.

The basketball league I play in started and games start in a few weeks, so that is a couple of nights a week out of the house away from the wife.

​

Career

Work is going well. I've put a plan in place to start a new opportunity with my side business that will bring in some extra income if everything goes to plan.

​

Financial

Finances are ok. I've started to set up a budget that will be followed and kept. My wife (former accountant before kids) took care of bills, etc which I will do now.

​

Marriage/Relationship

Dread Level 1-2

Still been a month of no sex. Two weeks in a row, last Monday and this past Monday, I initiated and she accepted, only for her to cum too quick and then be done. When this happens, she's too sensitive she says for sex. Last night, she told me to 'put it in' after she came, but it was too late and told her that I wasn't going to have bad sex. She apologised and gave me a blowjob. Then I gave her the kiss on the forehead and rolled over to go to sleep. In the morning she apologised again.

This past weekend was her best friend's wedding that my wife's ex (one she cheated with 9 yrs ago) was also going to be at MC'ing. It had been causing me a lot of anxiety but happy to say that I took the advice from here and played it cool, and acted like I didn't give a fuck, was social with everyone I knew there, and it wasn't too bad of a time despite like being at a high school reunion where you didn't go to the high school.

​

Personal

I've planned a guys weekend trip for the end of June. I haven't been on one for years, so should be good.

​

Goals

Reading - Finish Saving Low Sex Marriage and keeping putting into play.

Lift - squat 100kg by end of June

Lift - bench 110kg by the end of June

Lift - Deadlift 140kg by the end of June

Work on making more male friends, spending time with guys from work socially.

Increase my side business profits by $500/week.

Work on building the connection with my wife and getting sex to 1x a week to start.

Initiate every night, don't get butthurt when turned down for sex. Or pouty/butthurt in general when things don't go the way I want.

OYS #6 My Wife Is Just An Antenna

Stats: 6’4” 195 lbs 15%BF 1RM squat 190 lbs, 1RM DL 265 lbs, Ring Dips (+20 lbs) 5 reps, Strict Pullups (+10 lbs) 8 reps, Handstand Pushups (3” from ground) 4 reps, Pushups (+55 lbs) 10 reps

Life and all it’s demands are calling. I have pushed many things aside to carve out time for MRP, reading, and lifting. They are starting to push back. I feel disorganized and overwhelmed at times with the number of professional obligations I have and the little time left over in the day to move the needle ahead. My project for the week is to get the overall picture back in control and balance. I will try the E3D system for 2 weeks and see what it brings.

Work: continues to go well. I have seen improvement in the relationships with all the staff I work with. Some have remarked about the “old” me vs. the “new” me in favorable terms. I feel like I run a team now, and give them direction instead of just bitching about them not doing what I need.

Kids: I had 2 days to myself with the kids while my wife went to a horse show. It was great, and a tremendous bonding and leading experience.

In-laws: My in-laws straight up snubbed me this weekend. They previously had gone on radio silence since my wife phoned them in during a fight where I lost my shit 5 months ago pre-MRP. This weekend I needed to pick the kids up from them. Mother-in-law was non-responsive to texts. I was made to sit in the lobby while they had bell service go up and get the luggage. Pretty ridiculous. This is how the family operates when you fall out of the mother’s line. I DNGAF. Had a pleasant conversation with the bellman.

I’m not sure where the line between DNGAF and tolerating shitty behavior is in this. Right now, the kids are oblivious and have a positive relationship with them, so that is the barometer I’m using. I have no need for them and don’t care otherwise.

Wife: Despite my ignoring Mother’s Day, she was pleasant the whole week over the phone. Almost like nothing happened. Pretty unusual, because it would usually be snub city for 3-5 days. She decided to go to her horse show. She has been good with expenditures up to this point, but I will have to tally the total next week and deliver the consequences. I suspect she will be over her budget, and I will have to divert her weekly allowance to pay for the horse show. I don’t care what she spends it on, just that it is managed.

She looks to me for leadership with the kids, and now she asks me for permission to buy larger items. On her own accord, she has elected to come out a week early towards my state to spend more time as a family.

Frame: I only saw my wife on Sunday for an hour after she got back. I did not feel like having sex, so I didn’t try to initiate. She came home and was smiling and happy. Lots of eye contact and interest. But she made no active moves like giving a hug or affection. She is always passive, waiting for me...like she is taking the temperature. It’s annoying as hell. She just waits for me to come to her.

I made no attempt to come to her and we just talked. I did grab her ass a bit later, but she responded as if nothing happened. So I decided it was time to drive home. She just kept prattling on in circles trying to stall me out. It was clear she wanted me to stay from her behavior. So I gave her a kiss...and it was somewhat returned….but passive. It’s just this constant taking the temperature… Sex is like that too. It’s like she’s just a receiver, and no transmission. I know she can be affectionate, particularly after sex….it’s just that this is her “anxiety” state….and she’s almost always fucking anxious.

So I’m at an impasse. I feel like all she is doing is measuring how much control she has over me. And one of my goals here is to not be controlled. She’s not really giving me any affection, or being vulnerable. I know she likes me, and she still is having sex with me, but it is just to take the temperature and measure her control in a different way.

I understand that elevating SMV will break through that. But on another level, I’m concerned that this is just how she has learned to relate...through fear-based control...the same way her mother does. I’m toying with the idea of not displaying any affection at all...no hugs, no kisses, no kino, no eyes on when naked, no attention. Just being jovial, playful, and leading. And taking sex when I want it.

On one hand, it would remove any appearance of beta boy chasing and confuse her measurements. But on the other, this is exactly how her cold mother would behave when she is on the outs with the family. So I don’t know if this will make things worse, or better….

OYS 31

Vision

Become a financial and emotional rock for my family. Become a fun man, one that creates memories. Be a leader that people look to for confidence, strength, and guidance.

Mission

Be true. Be reliable. Be indifferent. Be impactful. Be missed.

Lifting

Lifting sucked last week and I ended up putting only 3 days in rather than 4. Trying a new diet (below) and I think I was just far too low on everything. Mon was fine. Tues I felt like I was ready to pass out after my warmup sets. I just couldn't get right. I took Wed and Thurs off. Fri sucked, too. Bad week. Fuck it.

Not working, I was putting in gym-time late morning, early afternoon. This week will be moving to evenings though past experience shows they're busy as shit with only one squat rack. My plan is to be in by 5, out by 6:30. If I have to keep sitting around waiting I'll move to mornings. I really don't want to do this as it means getting up at 3AM; I'm an early-bird but not that damn early. I'll do it if necessary.

Diet

Previous diet had led me to a plateau around 200lbs. I was okay with this as long as it was steady with the idea that my goal would be 200 all muscle when all was said and done.

I'm ready to get rid of the gut for good. I believe that around 190lbs will be a BF of 10%; this is a guess based on those stupid scans. I don't care/need to know exact, I'll see it. If at 190 there's still work to do, then I'll keep going.

I'm not looking for a completely shredded look...yet. Let's get to 4 or 6 abs and go from there. Maybe it would be nice to be shredded for once in my life.

The food plan is IMF 16/8 which best I can calculate is below:

• TDEE: 2325
• BW: 201 lbs

I may be too low on overall calories; I'll increase if I find it is hampering my performance. I did have some struggles last week in the gym despite taking EAA's prior. It'll be a work in progress until I get everything honed in for what best fits me.

Given the schedule above I do have a weekly food plan built. It's not exciting but it does have a mix of chicken breast, light tuna, sardines, and egg whites. A strength I do have is the ability to eat the same shit every day and not really be bothered by it. As I progress I'll likely make some changes. No I won't.

Game

Wife and I went to a community event Saturday. I found myself isolated doing some shit with some cute late 20's-something brunette. I had seen her earlier thinking she looked good.

She started chatting with me, commented me on my shirt and shit. When I finished, I was walking away and halfway back to where wife was it just hit me - why the fuck did I not try to game her? Fucking retard. I need to work on this.

Finances

I'm on credit cards now due to an emergency room visit for Son. That and not knowing specific start-date puts me in a bad situation regarding overall finances. Wife will help but this shit fucking sucks. Self-owned.

I've never been a fan of public transportation. I rode a Greyhound years ago and holy hell it was miserable. However, the drive to work is the farthest I've ever done and I live in a large metro area; driving would stress the fuck out of me not to mention maintenance, gas, and parking costs.

I found that basically I can take a bus not too far from home straight to downtown for about the cost of gas. Sign me up. A friend of Wife's had done this and said that early in morning and afternoon it's actually quite pleasant. That will reduce stress and give me time to read and socialize. I'm good with this.

Career

Company did not get the work order in last week so now it's day-to-day when I get back. I was concerned this may happen as the hiring manager admitted to being swamped. There do not appear to be any concerns to back-tracking; just a matter of getting everything done. It's a large corp and this has happened with them before. I just need patience.

Edit: Work order is done; start this week.

I was given an interview chance for a permanent position. Initially, I did not respond as they wanted to interview this week and I thought I'd be working. I was not going to take time off for an interview in my first week.

Once it became clear Company would not have work order done in time I contacted other Company and told them I could interview Mon or Tues. They haven't responded.

Family

Son admitted buying condoms yesterday. I had put the pieces together and figured as much. One thing I can say about this family is we are open and honest, at least more than I at his age. We've had the talk before but I reiterated some points.

I also went over some finance shit with him a while ago but he's already getting in over his head spending money on shit he doesn't need before he even gets paid. We had a deal that he owed me for his classes, uniform, and other shit he had been borrowing. His GF's dad bought them VIP tickets to a concert he's supposed to pay back as well. This kid's already racking up debt. Like father like son. I can't stop it. I need to lead better here.

Will also be getting his learner's permit soon. He'll be elligible for a DL by end of year. The deal I worked out with him is that he is responsible for his insurance when he starts driving. Additionally, any grades lower than a B will cost him his driving privileges. I did mention helping him out in some way with a car at that point (nothing new, an old POS he can learn to fix as I did), and he would be responsible for paying that off, as well.

Back to normal with Wife after the hiccup last week. I really don't know if it was a shit test or comfort test, nor do I think I care. I'm not going to get on my knees and profess my love or vow allegiance. She knows what she needs to do. I'm not anywhere near the point of making a decision about our future. I expect whatever it was to ramp up over the year. I don't necessarily mind the hissy fits - I get the purpose, I think - but the divorce threats are just numbing.

OYS Week 1 ( restart): Back after monkey brain attempts...

Stats:

Age: 49: Height 5'10, Weight 195: BF 13%, Wife 52, (together 22 years, married 10) Child = 9 year old

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Readings: WISNIFG, NMMNG (x3), Rational Male (x2), Book of Pook, MMSLP (x2) MAP, Meditations, Way of the Superior Man (x2), How to Win Friends (x3), Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Saving a Low Sex Marriage (x2) and many many more...

Current Reading: Re-reading sidebar, NMMNG again, Saving Low Sex Marriage Again

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Physical/Health:

Great! Just had check up. Taking Boxing Fitness now, Cardio and Lifting

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Career Finance: Business is booming, new opportunities all of the time, paying off bills to 0!

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Relationship:

Having a hard time disconnecting from my covert contract mindset. Sent a flirting text this past week about playing in bed. She stated: How can I think of forgetting about awkwardness we have in our relationship and just have sex..is she expected to just ignore what happens outside of the bedroom? We chatted about this and my question was what do we do to change the awkwardness. She stated that she does not feel connected to me. She gave me like 3-4 excuses of things where she feels like she is alone when we go out that my attention is just on our daughter, not her. She runs a company as I do and her attention is always deep in her phone or computer. Obviously, I am attached to fixing and solving this situation. We do things as a family, I make plans for family and we do lots of things together. I dropped the date night years back because the night would always end up with her being tired. She is not into sex, in fact, I think she is so exhausted in irritation and aggravation from her not having enough time, resources and its impossible to even get her out of bed in the am. All this being said, those reading probably see that I am focused on her and what she is not doing. I read all of the books, working out and following along on here, then I just get wrapped/ frustrated with so many men having sex and not happy with 1-2 times per week.

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I want to make a shift for me. I realize too that all of the issues I have with her not doing or her situation set me up to be in a victim mentality. It's just very weird that I can be married and I can't get passed a kiss or a hug. Its a fucking MYSTERY to me! I just do not get it. I feel bad because at least many of you on here are getting some and seems like this works to improve your relationship. When I went out with friends, dread and I do have other social functions, it virtually has no impact on the wife. Me talking to other women also does not even bother her at all. It's so fricking bizarre..

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Sex :

Last time we had sex or even oral sex was like 2 years ago. This is kind of driving me nutty at this point. I want to have intimacy, sensuality, and sex in my life. Wife is resisting and is always coming up with excuses and redirecting responsibility to me and etc ...

Life's been good. There MUST be a catch

**BODY**

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Traveled most of last week and ate relatively shitty. I don't really care enough to maximize my diet when I'm traveling and working - too much stress to be worth it.

Good news: came back the exact same weight as when I left.

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I'm starting with a new trainer/diet plan. While I like my old one, I really haven't seen a ton of progress. I have gained the ability to follow a plan and measure macros/food pretty exactly, so not time wasted. But I'm ready to move on.

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Mostly excited for more direct feedback on lifting/a more focused approach.

Here's the starting plan:

https://imgur.com/a/4lin65l

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I told him my goals were to 1.) prevent injury and hopefully rehab my back, and 2.) gain muscle, in that order. Interested to see how it goes. Did Day 1 yesterday, enjoyed it fine. Still figuring out weights.

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The progression mechanism is: Add one rep to the first set of the first exercise every day until you hit the top of the rep range, then raise weight.

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Diet plan (pictured in the link above) has me eating less than I have been on rest days, but more than I have been on workout days. More fat than I've been used to. Interesting to have to rework my very boring typical diet to fit the new goals.

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**MINDSET**

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Generally strong. No major issues. Enjoyed being on my own a bit while traveling, but I'm getting sick of being gone and the disruptions to my routine.

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Found myself slipping on one of my return days: I assumed based on some innocuous comments from my wife ("I'm tired," and "These are my granny panties") that she was NOT down for sex. "Oh, I get it - she's dodging me" was my thought.

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Found out the next day that she actually changed panties before bed and was DTF, but I didn't pursue an initiation because I assumed she was signaling "no sex."

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Don't assume. If I want, initiate. Period, the end. Can't remember who said this, but one of my favorite quotes from MRP is "Let her figure out why she won't fuck you." Don't do the work for her, just fucking initiate...remember that I've reset our rules lately. Things are different. Push for it.

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**RELATIONSHIPS**

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Generally good. Fucked twice since I've been back from work. Pace has slowed down since our "dramatic conversation" but has remained significantly higher than before (3-4 times a week on average). She's also been a BIT more aggressive/adventurous in bed (taking her shirt off, getting on top, etc), though I'd still like her to go down on me more often.

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As referenced in earlier posts, my ex seemed to "fall in love with me" and seems to be priming me for a relationship. She's expressed wanting to fuck, but has lately pulled back and said she's looking for more. That's fine. If she's open to fucking, so am I, but I'm not going to chase it.

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I actually had a plan for her to fly out to a business trip with me, but she got a full time job and that's been shelved. I made one other pass (I'll be driving by her house in a week - "show me your apartment") but she canceled that and invited me out to dinner instead.

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It's cool - pretty clear to me that this has run it's course. She still sends me a lot of memes and so on; I like her enough that I can just mark her as a friend and move on. The moment has passed, and if she wants to fuck me she'll find a way. Not my priority.

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The experience was pretty transformative for me though, and it's triggered a huge positive change in my mindset, which has had ripple effects everywhere. The lesson I have learned from this is that 1.) I am attractive enough right now to generate legitimate attraction, 2.) that feeling is addictive and needs to be handled carefully, 3.) having options is no fucking joke; I need to actively pursue options in my life in a more serious way, 4.) Raise dread levels. Raise it as much as possible. Take it more seriously.

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**CREATIVITY**

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Got another set of vocals done and sent in for mixing. Travel will make recording not possible this week, but I should be in the studio next week again. Feeling good about progress here.

The past 2 days there have been times where I’ve been a giant fucking pussy and it’s been pissing me off so I guess here’s a good a place as any to vent about being a pussy cunt.

Yesterday a girl was giving me HEAVY IOI’s - constantly looking at me on the bus, looking at me when we were walking in same direction after bus, kept fixing her hair (I’m sure you guys know what I mean) every 30 seconds - AND I DIDN’T FUCKING APPROACH! I. DIDN’T. APPROACH. She couldn’t make it more obvious she wanted me to approach her short of telling me, which we all know women don’t generally do. She was really fucking hot too.

Knowing my history I shouldn’t be too harsh on myself because I have come SO FAR since taking the red pill 3 months ago and I’ve been killing it the past 2 weeks. I’m a 20 yr old virgin that’s suffered from social anxiety disorder since I was 13. It’s been tremendously hard, but this year is my fucking year.

I’m just so fucking angry at myself because I don’t want to be a fucking pussy anymore. I hate, hate, hate it. I am getting better and starting to talk to girls and becoming more open, but it’s such a long journey and it fucking sucks to be at the start of it. It’s full of failure and anger with no rewards. I feel like I’m soooo close to getting some pussy, but I just can’t make it the last 10 meters. What a fucken tease, aye.

Anyways, that’s just the “women” part of my life. I’m improving the other parts of my life also, have been slacking on boxing for the past month, but I’ve been sticking to my lifting every week which I’m proud of. I’ve been a skinny fuck my whole life and I’m tired of it. I’ve been trying to gain weight but it’s so fucking difficult. I know, if i wanted to gain weight that bad I would be. I guess I’m just not putting 100% effort into it, and I need to.

I’ve got so much on my mind I could probably keep writing for hours, but I’ve got things to do because I’m improving.

I look back to who I was 3 months ago, and I can’t believe my life. It’s so much better than I could have imagined at the time. So although I was a pussy a couple times the past 2 days, I also approached other times, and that’s better than what I did a month ago.

Look at that, I’ve just came full circle and am no longer overflowing with anger.

My goal for tomorrow is to approach 3 girls no matter what. Then at the end of the day instead of being angry with myself like today, I will be happy I did it, no matter the outcome of the interactions.

I doubt anyone read this, it was more just me venting, but if you did and have any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

OYS #16

Previous OYS | First OYS

Overview

Me: 33, 5'8", 228.2 lb, 33.0% BF. Wife: 34. Kids: 4M, 2F, 3rd due August. Married 7 years, together 11.

Lifts (SL5x5): SQ 200 BP 120 ROW 130 OHP 105 DL 235.

Readings: NMMNG (x2), WINSIFG, The Game, Pook, TRM, TRP Sidebar, MAP, The Mystery Method, Bang, Day Bang, MMSLP, TWOTSM, SGM.

Body

Lifting

I went on Thursday despite my wife's protests and tantrums and had a great session. I was planning to go on Saturday or Sunday but I caught the latest plague the kids brought home from school and felt really run down this weekend. I know Mehdi from SL5x5 recommends working out while sick but I could barely keep my eyes open after dealing with the kids all day and went to bed very early each night.

Monday I really should have just gone, at least to prove the point to her that I would not be derailed. We had a nice evening in the hot tub after the kids went to bed and by the time all the showering and chores were done it was very late. I am kicking myself for not going last night. There is no try, only do. By not doing, I am losing the war of attrition discussed last week. The momentary annoyance of lifting at midnight is nothing compared to gaining my manhood, which will pay dividends for the rest of my life.

Diet

Total backslide here. I keep thinking that I can just eyeball serving sizes and estimate calories for the day instead of measuring and logging. This is hamstering of the first order and I need to stop. The results show on the scale. Back to basics.

Mind

Reading

Still reading 48 Laws of Power. I am finding the laws more applicable to business relationships than personal ones - have others found the same? I should have completed it by next week and I'll have officially completed the sidebar.

It was a monumental task to listen to all those books and I am proud of my accomplishment. However, I don't feel like I've internalized all the lessons they have to offer. So, while I would like to start listening to either The Red Queen or 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I feel like it might serve my immediate purposes better by re-listening to MAP or MMSLP. They come the closest to encapsulating the whole of MRP in book form. Thoughts?

Frame

I am finding myself completely unmotivated. Whether it's going to the gym, counting calories, writing a MAP, doing my best instead of coasting at work, I am just not giving it my best. I feel burned out on life, like I've been worn down to a nub. It's like when you fail a rep - you push as hard as you can, but the bar just doesn't move. I imagine myself laying on a table, the EMT hovering over me with the paddles, just shocking me over and over again to get me to move a little. Maybe this is a bit melodramatic, but you get the picture. Do you guys have any tips for getting yourself going?

Relationships

Wife

See my comment here for the details of the lead-up to my actually taking control of my gym time. On Thursday I finished up all my shit around the house, got dressed, and went. She followed me out to the garage screaming that if I wouldn't even talk about it that we would be getting divorced. I went anyway, and she texted while I was there that I had to sleep somewhere else so I didn't wake her and she would be contacting lawyers in the morning. I just told her I would be sleeping in my bed and ignored the rest of the message. She didn't fight me sleeping in the bed with her.

She texted me a ton the next day about getting a divorce mediator. I ignored her, gave short dismissive answers (eg "No thanks") or non sequitors. Next was a screenshot of an airbnb she was "booking", then when that didn't work, she claimed to have called a lawyer to discuss her situation (I checked the phone usage yesterday - she didn't). Finally it was trying to get me into counseling to help me "accept" the reality of the situation (ie tag team me). All bullshit of course, so I continued what I was doing.

We had a discussion that night about everything that was going on and I got her to open up about her issues with the marriage. Not because I was really interested in hearing what she said she needed (I understand she doesn't know what she needs), but simply to provide some comfort by listening. It took some coaxing but she got into some hurtful things I had said occasionally when we first started dating that made it sound like I didn't want to be with her, just with someone. I had forgotten about these incidents, but she, apparently, had not. I think she's honestly afraid I'm going to branch swing. I ended the conversation because it was getting late with a promise to pick up again later.

Since then things have been better, but I haven't tried going to the gym again because I've been sick. I will be going tonight so we'll see where things really stand.

Children

My daughter only wants mommy to do everything right now. Annoying but what's more annoying is how butthurt a two year old's whims can make me. My frame, it seems, is made of wet paper bag. I will work on being more OI with the kids. I can't believe I had to write this...

Friends

Nothing to report here. I'm holding off on dread level 3 until after the baby is born.

Career / Finances

48 Laws of Power gave me some great food for thought in my position. Since I've recently been promoted into management, I have an opportunity to practice these laws on a mostly blank slate in both a "master" and a "courtier" role. Should be interesting!

Goals

• Write my MAP / Update 60DoD goals
• Participate in OYS and askMRP

OYS #3

Beginning 6th Week:

40 yo, 6’0, 230lbs (-16lb since start), 23% BF(Navy, -6% since start), married 20, kids: bunches and pregs

1RM: SQ235 DL275 OHP140 BR175 BP230

Sidebar: Gorilla, WISNIFG, MMSLP, NMMNG, Pook, Practical Fem Psych

Sidebar In Progress: Rational Male, MAP, SGM, Ironwood

Career: Going well, contract is wrapping up in the next couple of months and I'm eager to move on to somewhere more challenging.

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Mission

Be a fun, active, competitive, attractive, expert, successful leader that inspires men, women and children alike.

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Physique

This week was a bitch slap as I lost no weight and failed my lift targets. I have no idea what happened, maybe I was dehydrated or something but I went to bench what I easily did for a 5x5 and couldn't even do 3, had to deload and finally back to where I was last week. I think I started grabbing the bar closer to the middle.

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IOI/Dread

Diving into my aggressive lifts, and a lot of extra work has left me little social time, and it is wearing on me.

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Social

This part sucks as I've pretty much spent my life avoiding friends and situations to make them. This may be one of the harder parts of my journey. I think it is just going to need to start with me engaging in a lot more of activities by myself even though all the other grown men hanging out alone at the roller rink were super creepy.

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Marriage (Thank you for your patience if this goes too far into a victim puke)

This week has been an endless storm of shit and comfort tests, but I think I have been passing. Thursday she lays into me hard with insults so ridiculously mean I laughed out loud at one point and it made her laugh too, she followed it up with double binds that I fogged past, and showed I didn't care, 10 minutes later she is sobbing in my arms about her friend hurt her feelings. Next night I surprise her with a date, be ready at 8, etc. I come home to get ready, she seems excited. She puts on a really ugly shirt and asks if I like it. I tell her that she's too pretty for a shirt that looks like that then proceeds to have meltdown about where I'm taking her because someone drunk could bump into her and kill the baby. I stupidly offer to take her somewhere else but she continues to melt down, so I don't care and go do my own thing. Later that night my kid comes and tells me that mom has left to stay the night in a hotel. I take the night to read Practical Female Psychology (possibly a mistake for me). Before I go to sleep, I text her that I hope she's having a nice night relaxing without the kids. Ten minutes later she is back home with silent treatment, which I ignore. We had a plan to go running the next morning and, after some mild pissiness, she's back to normal, have a nice day and then she's completely into me, demanding to know whether I've been taking sex drugs or steroids, and calling me her rock (I've never heard anything like that come out of her mouth).

But now I've read too much shit. I am freaked out about all of the FA and BPD shit floating around on these boards, and PFP really fucked with my head. I can't truly figure out if she's LSE or HSE or FA or BPD or whatever the fuck she is. To me she's just a fucking nutjob, and I just really want to become a person capable of having a reasonably happy life. I know that starts in the weight room, but its hard to be patient. Also, reading all this stuff has made me even more deeply dissatisfied with my life. My marriage has been intolerably low sexed and I'm slowly becoming acutely aware of how painfully that affects me, in particular how deeply a lack of sex erodes my sense of well-being. But I'm also really happy to find out that all women do negative projecting, and double binds, and don't say what they mean, and demand unreasonable self-disclosure, and work to subjugate their man into a worm that repulses them. Knowing these things is helping me to understand the concept of frame and allowing me to mostly stay out of my wife's frame even though I'm far from having my own. I can tell I'm on a super long fucking journey of rinse and repeat before I can even begin to understand a lot of this stuff, and deep down I'm really scared that I built a life that I'm not capable of salvaging. I've been through two decades of marriage on hardmode, and right now I'm bitterly angry with myself for becoming a man-worm worthy of contempt, but also desperately hoping that I'm 100% the problem, because that means I can fix it. For now I just need to stay motivated. It really does seem possible my behavior is responsible for eliciting the BPD behavior from my wife, and if that’s the case, then my behavior can stop drawing it out.

I'm also really afraid of some of this program. After diving into the psych stuff, I realize that when I married, my wife was a project and a wounded bird and an all-around broken person, particularly as it relates to abandonment issues. I would even say that I think she's one of the few to have largely made the transition from LSE to HSE, and I'd also say I think she used to be strongly FA, but after a very long time, she actually trusts me and has managed to reprogram whatever PTSD used to kick in when she feels close to me. I'm nervous about a strong dread program triggering her back into a psycho.

Also, I'm not on board with the "next" approach for my marriage. It's not oneitis or soulmatery. I'm painfully aware that I would have a much easier time relationship-wise with dealing with new girls that I could vet and frame from the beginning. But there's many other factors here. We've got a lot of kids, and I'm sure they're all mine. I enjoy being a parent, and really do believe that kids being raised by their own parents is a rare and ideal opportunity. Wife is SAHM. While I make good money, nexting would be a disaster financially and for my kids. They'd end up being raised by whatever series of retarded turds she managed to cycle through that wanted to play house with someone with a buttload of kids. I'd probably end up supporting her gross boyfriends, while living in a rental room in an old lady's house and riding a bike to work until I'm in my mid-60's. Whatever dissatisfaction in my marriage might feel like, nexting looks worse to me than suicide.

The true challenge I'm faced with is transforming my relationship into the relationship I want.

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Short Term Goals

My short-term goals are to primarily amp up my Alpha qualities:

Fitness, Physique, Social Skill, Social Standing, Masculine Energy, Assertiveness, Aggressive, Protective, Dominant, Competitive

I adjusted the weight loss target and the running targets below. I'm putting too much into lifting to work much on the running, I'm already getting close on my BP target, but I de-loaded on some other stuff and moving ahead slowly because I'm intent on not fucking up by getting any more injuries.

#1 40-day(26 Remaining) Weight Loss and Lifting Challenge - Drop Weight to 200lbs. (lose 30) Achieve Intermediate-Level 1RM lift Targets for 190: SQ305 DL355 OHP155 BR200 BP235, Diet: Steak, Eggs, Greens, MCT & Isopure Shakes (900-1400 Cal/day)

#2 40-day(26 Remain) Fitness Challenge - Run a 30min. 5k

#3 Develop friendships with 3 men

#4 Be Aggressive, Assertive, Confrontational, Dominant, and Fun

#5 STFU, No DEERing, Zero butthurt

​

Long Term Goals

8% bf, 25min-5k, Intermediate-Level 1RM lift Targets for 200lb: SQ325 DL375 OHP160 BR215 BP245

Join a combat sport, prob BJJ (for minimal head damage).

Develop a mastery of public speaking.

Find a racquetball partner.

Improve my networking skills and get skilled at networking.

Learn to be effective with dread.

Get skilled at Alpha behavior.

Start understanding and developing frame.

Do lots of fun physically active stuff.

OYS #1

Stats:

Age: 37 Height: 5'11 Weight: 185 BF: ? Wife: 36 (Married 7) Kid: 1

Readings: WISNIFG, NMMNG , Rational Male, Book of Pook, MMSLP , MAP, Way of the Superior Man, Sex God Method, How to Win Friends and Influence People (x3).

Current: 7 ways to 7 figures

Physical / Health: I've been lifting since last October. I'm miles from where I started.

5x5: BP: 160 OP: 150 Row: 130 DL: 185 Squat: 155. My squats were higher, but I hurt my back and am taking a slow time increasing weight for fear of hurting myself again.

Google says healthy weight is between 155-189. I'd like to see 175. I'm a long way from where I was at 230-240.

Career / Finance:

I'm good financially, but do spend many hours per week at my job.

Relationship:

This first post is about me continuing to work on me. I've been swallowing the pill since October of 2018.

MAP:

I work a ton of hours at work, but would love to start my own service business and have some rentals.

[deleted]

OYS 3.

Age: 38 Wife 38. Together approx 20 years. 3 kids 10,8,6.

Big week of introspection...

Work

I have a professional office job, and I am not motivated like I should – But it pays well. To me, this reflects on me as low value, as I really should be slaying it career wise at 38 years old - not withstanding that you spend over 40 hours a weeks of your life there too. Not sure what I am going to do about this yet.

Property development stuff is going well.

Life/Mission

I’m do life in general okay, but if I am honest I miss things. I forget little things. I get focussed on the mission that I sometimes forget little details. And I understand that sometimes those little details create a perception to others, including the wife, that you’re not organised, that you don’t own your shit. And accumulation of those issues over years can create bigger more lasting perceptions of your nature. Its only little things, like forgetting to get the can of soup when you go to the shops amongst the 100 other things you buy. Or have you paid the bill, or have you organised for xxx.

That is done – I’m starting a notebook, and memory tools to ensure everything is covered.

The good thing is that I have always owned the issue if I fucked up, the bad thing is when I own the issue the wife uses it as a launching pad for all the other things I have missed/not done/forgot. It was always easy to DEER. The true road is the organised road where you don’t fuck up.

Working on these areas too:

Be more friendly in life – recognise that the benefit of interaction is better than the risk of rejection in most instances.

• Remove inhibition in interactions so you can be the best version of yourself - Be like the Art_Martin after 2 beers all the time. Recognise that you are charismatic as fuck 2 beers in (and sloppy after 6) and the reason for that is your inhibitory circuits are not firing after 2 beers. Recognise that you are a different person in your confidence level around different people/audiences and the reasons for that is you are more inhibited in certain circumstances.

Lifting.

Back to 3-4 times a week. Huge priority for me. Reason I do it – it gives me confidence. Bonus points is that I see my wife staring at my chest now sometimes.

Also, i’m starting to understand how different women and men see the world, and how much women are attracted to strong confident men who have an abundance/DNGAF/stoic mentality. I truly didnt ever really know that.

I am literally putting myself in a womans head for the first time, and imaging what it would feel like to have a man who was taller and stronger than you, and an air of confidence and competence that commands a room – and I can see how that would make a woman swoon. I don’t understand submissiveness because I am the exact opposite, but I am starting to understand the dynamics at play that would make a women would want to submit to a strong confident man. The shit thing was that I was the exact opposite pre RP.

Also, I now recall long forgotten conversations in the past of my wife who told me she didn’t like muscles, (and recently tried to actively discourage me from going to the gym)and didn’t like dominant men, but then picture drunken conversations where she gets with the girls and they talk about how hot so and so actor is – and it’s ONLY the big buff guys with the square jaw they talk about.

Kids.

Back to order now after I hadn’t been around enough for a few months doing development work. Only took a week and they get themselves ready without me nagging or asking. I’m working on furthering their independence, and carving out more time to spend doing fun things with them.

I’m now seeing a shift back towards me from my daughters particularly and they are making comments about mum being angry all the time. And truth be told, we both were more angry in the past as the kids were good kids, but didn’t really listen like they should .

Wife can see how well the kids react to me, and once I have fully embedded it, I will start working on the boundaries with my wife with respect to her attitude toward the kids. I need to be congruent in that space before I have that conversation otherwise she will just henpick the scenarios where they don’t listen to me(they are kids and it happens from time to time) as a reason why I don’t have the authority to lecture her.

They just don’t listen to her because she is so attentive to their needs. And so she gets angry, because shit needs to get done.

Relationship

I received some great advice in my last OYS from man_in_the_world that reminded me my wife is not a special case because she is a mummy hero focused on the kids. She is AWALT, and she may not come around, but you won’t know unless you get on with it. Either way, I am getting on with the program.

I removed the last elements of neediness in my relationship and adopted a position where I stopped dropping everything to do things for her. I’m still doing things for her, but I don’t drop what I am doing whenever she needs it. She can wait. Gotta be careful not to RAMBO on this though – I still need to be her masculine ‘oak’ is the word around here - however I recognise I need to pull back on neediness and placating her in order to move forward.

Consequently there has been a heap of shit testing this week, which I have passed mostly. To the point where it almost seems overt that it is testing my compliance to her, because the requests became increasingly absurd and pointless. –do the dog poos in the backyard that were scooped up this morning really need to be done again at 10 oclock at night.

So I had this view that my wife was a complete rock, devoid of any needs from a man or the relationship, and existing solely for the kids. Turns out that I found the first chink in her armour and I put this on askmrp to understand it more.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bqpgd3/trying_to_understand_this_comfort_seeking/

When I showed a form of IDGAF combined with abundance mentality- that I didn’t really notice her because I’m doing awesome stuff living an awesome life(embellishing for emphasis), she came to me for comfort. She wants and needs comfort – she wants and needs the higher value version of me. She has NEVER done anything like this before. Anger has been her go-to emotion in the past when I offend her or don’t do what she wants. I see this as an early sign of AWALT and progress.

Another thought is that I’m going to start framing my life in the following way from now on until I internalise it-What would a high value man with abundance do in this scenario _as a way of resetting my brain to think about my behaviour in the moment.. Not just with my wife, but with everyone. And if I look back on my life, besides the property development stuff that I drove forward irrespective of her protests, and I manage my team at work with a calm stoic manner- everything else I was doing were low value behaviours.

Particularly to my wife -I was needy, I was whiny, I was weak, I was her bestie talking about feelings and shit all the time, I wasn’t confident and assertive, I supplicated and put all her needs first, I dropped everything to do her bidding on a whim, I wasn’t as fun and active as I could be, I wasn’t leading the kids as a man should, I asked her permission/advice/opinion on everything, I was forgetful, I wasnt the calm oak type person she could rely on in times of stress, I was….a shit husband- and I don’t know why she put up with it for so long.

So the only thing I had going for me was that I had a mission(property development well executed but change management with the wife was shit –and the wife gave me shit about that all the time), a good income, and I was reasonable looking and not overweight(but not buff). Literally every other part of my life was low value.

Until this week since finding RP, I kept wanting to go RAMBO and leave her if she didn’t give me what I want. F that – I owe it to myself, my wife and the family to FULLY become the high value person I aim to be that does the exact opposite of the traits I mentioned above- and then- and only then – do I start to look at my options. I know this is the BPP 12 stages of dread stuff – and I’d read all about that – but I get it now. I really get it.

[deleted]

[deleted]

Age 28 HT 5'10 WT 185 16-17% bf

3 worship services a week in the iron temple, full body, compound lifts, the main 5

Diet is mostly protien. Eating in morning, fasting through the rest of the day. Then about 2 all day fasts a week until I get down to 10% bf

Just made it through WISNIFG painfully, currently on How to Save a Low Sex Marriage by bluepillprofessor, my next goal is Way of the Superior Man and all its woowoo.

I've been working out in secret, I used to post all over social media, talk to my wife about it etc. The other day, she asked if I have been working out because I look like I have, I shrugged and just said "a little bit"

I have been going out for beers (water right now) lately. I would look for excuses not to get out before. Home was more comfortable. My friends all dissapeared one by one and I can't blame them. I've been reaching out and setting up hangouts. Not just with my close family (brothers, in-laws etc)

I've had to relearn how to be funny, social, steal the room etc. I joke with girls in public now. Especially when my wife is with me.

Guess who initiated sex last? Not me!

I've retouched with my emotions. I can feel again. I was a damn robot, especially after going Rambo and screwing shit up.

I've made small adjustments in my life such as throwing out all my shitty, dad clothes as well as stupid tshirts with superheros and Disney characters on them. I threw out a whole pile of white tube socks. My dresser is in perfect order now. I drive a company vehicle, I keep it spotless now. I've started putting back 50$ per paycheck in cash, stashed where it's inconveniently at home and not on me.

I've gotten a raise at work and was told I've been working hard and will be getting another bump this month.

I've gotten back in touch with my spirituality. Studying and praying. (Christian guys, you'll understand)

Have begun taking care of my hair, skin and nails. I keep up with the barber trips, shape my beard, use pore cleaner etc.

Wear less cologne when I wear it. Don't want to bless the whole room, just those who get close enough for a sniff.

Following the 60 DoD has really helped me. Reading other guys successes and failures have inspired me.

[deleted]

OYS #5 (Discovered MRP 3/11/19)

Stats: 34yo, 5'9", 187 lbs., BF (need to update) (I'm on SL5x5 week 9)

SQ: 155 5x5

BP: 100 5x5

BR: 120 5x5

OHP: 90 5x5

DL: 185 1x5

Chin-ups: 4RM

Background: Raised LDS, Career Beta, 99th percentile introvert (per JBP's personality assessment)

Wife: Raised LDS, 32yo, 5'3", 135 lbs., Together 12y, Married 11y, SAHM plus music teacher

Children: 2yo twin boys

Mediocre but regular sex for eight years with wife before pregnancy, when she lost all interest. Nothing for 18 months, then a trickle. Discovered MRP about two and a half years after boys were born.

Mission

Be the best captain I can be. Lead myself and my family to a life of fulfillment and abundance. Exercise righteous dominion. Stand up for my own interests.

Study

Finished MMSLP, MAP, NMMNG, Rational Male Year One Highlights, 16 Commandments, all posts on MormonRedPill subreddit, popular posts on MRP, BPP's YouTube videos, WISNIFG, TRP Sidebar. 1/3 Pook. 1/3 Bang.

Working on Way of the Superior Man.

Physical

SL5x5 3x/week, plus chin-ups. I'm still seeing a lot of progress at the gym.

I'm having trouble keeping my back straight for the last reps of my barbell rows. They are by far my least favorite exercise in SL.

Aiming for 1610 calories and 120g protein/day, tracking in MFP. Did a lot better this week than last. Still room for improvement.

Career

No changes.

Financial

No changes. I've been looking at future sources of passive income, including using the equity in our current house as a down payment on our future home, and then renting out this one. This is likely 5-10 years in the future.

Personal/Leadership:

Working on Dread Level 3. Went to game night again this week. I won't be able to go once Scouts moves to that weeknight in July. But I'll have made some friends, and there are many other similar activities around.

Finally got termite prevention and weeding taken care of at the house.

Doctor's appointment this Thursday. I hope to find out whether I'll need surgery that'll put me out for two weeks.

Family

Sick kids and busy schedule during the week prevented me from taking them out. I can take them Thursday afternoon after my appointment.

Marriage

I was not very attracted to my wife over the last two weeks. With illness in the house (incl. her terrible coughing) and the recent Fitness tests, I had not been motivated to game or initiate. I think I'm also more RP aware and more resentful of her (and women in general) because of it. This is a natural reaction after taking the Pill. My job right now is to keep it down by continuing with my MAP.

She initiated duty sex on Tuesday, the last day of her fertility window. Then late after I got home from game night, I gave her my interest, snuggled, and initiated at bedtime (lazy, I know) which resulted in a hard no. I gave her a hug and went to sleep. I know that bedtime is the worst time to initiate, yada yada yada, but I was up for it and it's better than not trying at all.

I have gotten flack from her recently (usually by text) for not being home for dinner several nights over the last two weeks. I don't take responsibility for her feelings, especially when I have legitimate duties, outside of the gym and Dread 3. I have expected this pushback so I'm not concerned about it. I have STFU when appropriate, but did not have many opportunities to engage in fogging, etc. I'm not going to do that through text.

Friday night, before the boys' bedtime routine, she abruptly announced that she was going out. I am almost certain that this was her responding to my recent absences and not telling her where I am all the time. I basically shrugged, calmly asked where she was going, and then requested that she get groceries while she was out. She left and I did bedtime by myself, no big deal.

I woke up at 4am Sunday morning pondering my MAP. She woke up a little later and asked why I was awake. I gave her a short answer, kino'd, and then initiated, which turned into some decent sex.

I get up with the boys and do breakfast once a week on my days off. This week I did it on Sunday. She second-guessed my handling of it more than once, and I called her out on it. When I went upstairs to shower, she followed me. I stayed firm, accepted apologies, fogged when appropriate, and let her run in circles. When she tried to continue the arguments in the car, I told her I wasn't going to talk about it while I was driving. (It takes too much of my attention to have a serious conversation while I'm driving--I've been known to miss turns or drive towards work instead of church when I'm distracted. I know my limits here.) It gave her a chance to run the wheels in her head. She hasn't brought any of it up again since. The air is clearer and most of the animosity that had been building up is gone, for now.

I have not met my goal of planning a date every two weeks. I've got to do better here. We are doing an at-home date night once a week. I need to bring my game back up with these, too.

Goals for the next month

Continue reading.

Continue SL5X5 and chin-ups. 1610 calories and 120g protein a day.

Continue engaging with the people around me at work and when I'm out.

Stay on budget. Pay an extra $2K toward student loans every month.

Plan for fun. Arrange everything myself. Continue knocking off the To Do list.

Take my children out of the house once a week.

Be the father figure. Continue to STFU while recognizing Tests. Fog, NA, NI. Don't DEER. Game and initiate. Plan a date every two weeks. Respond to rejection with OI and get out. Reward good sex when it comes.

OYS 2

• Stats/Lifts: -

  • 27 years old
  • Married for two years and change with two kids.
  • 6’ 1”, 220 lbs., around 18% BF
  • Incline bench: 210 lbs. (x3)
  • Cable row: 190 lbs. (x6)
  • Squat: 230 lbs. (x4)
  • OHP: 150 lbs. (x3)

• Mission:

  • Right now, I’d say my mission is to make a life that I can remember happily on my death bed. I think, at least for me, that starts here.

• Physical:

  • My lifts are going alright. I haven’t applied any progressive overload last week, which is unusual for me, as I wasn’t hitting the the amount of reps per weight that I wanted. I think that’s a sleep issue...my one year old keeps waking up at night. I think a good remedy to this would be to go to bed earlier, so at least if I get woken up I’ll still get a decent amount of sleep. On a more positive side, I’ve implemented cardio every non-lifting day. Pain I’ve had in the back of my knee is going away, and I can see a slight increase in definition in my core.

• Mental:

  • I’ve been a little lack luster here. I’m trying to learn about game and frame and a bunch of other things as well, but it doesn’t seem to be sticking. I think before I start reading a ton of posts on here about things I’m going to put more effort into NMMNG. I need to crush my supplicating behaviors and desires for validation. I’ll also focus on frame and building a strong one. So I’ll make my focal points NMMNG and building great frame.

• Relationship/sex:

  • this one is going to be a long one but I wanted to get it out there so hopefully an experienced man here could offer insight if he was willing.

  • I didn’t do the dishes the other night because I honestly just didn’t feel like it. Wife started yelling at me and accusing me of making messes I know for a fact I didn’t make...or at least I wasn’t the sole contributor. She started raising her voice and yelled. I told her “You’re not going to fucking yell at me” in a low volume. She yelled “I’ll use whatever tone I want to to get my point across!!” But I had walked away at that point. I didn’t speak to her for the rest of that night and basically all the next day, except for short messages and logistics. I think it could have been helpful to have done the dishes, but I don’t think I deserve to be yelled at because I didn’t. I also think it’s good that I walked away at some point at least. I 100% should have STFU earlier, but at least I remembered to do it at some point and that’s a step in the right direction.

  • In speaking to her very minimally, I experienced a lot of anxiety. I felt as though I should have been trying to say something to make her happy, or do something to make her happy, but I recognized that as seeking validation. I ended up helping her out later with some little chores, but I stopped in the middle of it. I know I’m rambling, but I guess my point is that I feel as though I’m recognizing nice guy/beta behaviors so I’m taking (baby) steps forward. I think in staying the course, my anxiety will start to decrease

  • An area I’m having trouble with is resentment. I made a goal to initiate once a day, but I’m having trouble bringing myself to do it. When I look at her, I no longer see a beautiful lady that loves me, I see someone who loves, or at least desires, a mindless, supplicating, beta male. I’m not saying that it’s HER fault, because I’m the one who ultimately acted beta, but it’s hard for me to bring myself to be loving to someone who just wants to use me. I’m hoping a more experienced MRPer can help me unpack this.

  • On Friday night we had a pretty lengthy talk, almost all night. It’d be a ton to type out, but I’ll try to summarize. She tried to yell at me for not doing the dishes again. I was in the bathroom and she just started doing them. I planned on doing them when I was done but she said it was my fault she did them. I should have stopped her apparently. I told her I’m not responsible for her making her own decision. Then she talked about my lack of affection. She told me she doesn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore due to a lack of affection. I told her that she gets snappy when I turn the affection up, and she said that she needs my love and affection to be unconditional. She’s extremely needy when it comes to affection. I’ve never really received a lot of affection as a kid so I don’t really display it naturally. I told her that her snappiness is really a turnoff and it makes me aloof. She said she needs affection and if she can’t get it she understands. She said she wants me to do what comes naturally to me. We started cuddling after that and we fucked three times after that. It sounds like a ridiculous change of emotional state to me on her part. I think it was a comfort test maybe? Or she’s saying that stuff to keep me in her frame? Idk. I hate getting sucked into arguments with her, I know it’s me entering her frame, therefore making me a faggot, therefore unattractive. Then again, surely she wouldn’t fuck me three times in a night if she wasn’t attracted to me, right? My head is all over the place. I need a clear direction forward to avoid these kinds of big fights, or maybe I just need to STFU way more. Ultimately, I think my issues come down to frame. There’s a lot of “she” in this paragraph, and that means I’m in her frame. It doesn’t seem like I made too much progress last week apparently concerning frame, but I’m going to hit it doubly hard this week.

  • Saturday was equally shitty. She came home after work and took a bath. She texted me that she wants to separate. I said okay and went out to the nearby club by myself. I had some drinks and had a good time. I talked to some women and danced a bit too. Wife noticed by our banking app that I had some drinks at the club and went nuts. She thought I cheated. I Ubered home a while after. Sunday morning, we worked out our divorce plans. I was calm about the whole thing, and honestly? It was kind of freeing that I was going to be done with someone controlling my life and making me miserable. I was almost happy we were divorcing. Later she asked me to lay down with her because her “anxiety was acting up”. I obliged and she asked me what I want. We talked about staying together and what we both want out of this, and I know it’s better to STFU but perhaps it was better for killing the nice guy inside me to talk about my needs directly instead of operating through covert contracts. I said it’s bizarre that she calls me a disappointment and then needs me to calm her anxiety about her choice to divorce. I told her I’m tired of putting out emotional fires. We agreed to stay with each other and, once again, had sex twice and ended the night with a blowie. She’s also been much sweeter. I’m being very careful not to let it get to my head and start patting myself on the back as I know I have a fuck ton of progress to make before I’m where I want to be. I think it’s just hysterical bonding or perhaps a “little shot” of dread, but there’s probably more that I’m not seeing. I think she also realized I’m more ready to leave this marriage than she is and she’s desperate for a beta provider and affection (read: someone to exist in her frame).

• Finances:

  • my finances actually showed great improvement. We saved $800 to put towards our leaky oil tank. This means my wife has been taking my plan to save seriously, so that’s good progress. I expect her to resist more later on, but I’m glad we made some real progress this week.
• Things to work on:
  • STFU!!
  • Killing nice guy behaviors
  • Killing desires for validation
  • Building great frame
  • For now I’m leaving it at that until I’m 110% convinced that I’m good in those areas.