A fundamental core principle here is that you are the judge of yourself. This means that you have to be a very tough judge, look at those areas you never want to look at, understand your weaknesses, accept them, and then plan to overcome them. Bravery is facing these challenges, and overcoming the challenges is the source of your strength.
We have to do this evaluation all the time to improve as men. In this thread we welcome everyone to disclose a weakness they have discovered about themselves that they are working on. The idea is similar to some of the activities in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. You are responsible for identifying your weakness or mistakes, and even better, start brainstorming about how to become stronger. Mistakes are the most powerful teachers, but only if we listen to them.
Think of this as a boxing gym. If you found out in your last fight your legs were stiff, we encourage you to admit this is why you lost, and come back to the gym decided to train more to improve that. At the gym the others might suggest some drills to get your legs a bit looser or just give you a pat in the back. It does not matter that you lost the fight, what matters is that you are taking steps to become stronger. However, don’t call the gym saying “Hey, someone threw a jab at me, what do I do now?”. We discourage reddit puppet play-by-play advice. Also, don't blame others for your shit. This thread is about you finding how to work on yourself more to achieve your goals by becoming stronger.
Finally, a good way to reframe the shit to feel more motivated to overcome your shit is that after you explain it, rephrase it saying how you will take concrete measurable actions to conquer it. The difference between complaining about bad things, and committing to a concrete plan to overcome them is the difference between Beta and Alpha.
Gentlemen, Own Your Shit.
redPillOnHard 5y ago
Life Goal - Kick life in the ass. Be my own judge
I need to re focus on some things. I've drifted to far off course. There are always emergencies I'm dealing with, and I feel like the big picture goals are always off in the distance to be worked on later. Some of the bullshit and curve balls have given me perspective that the larger goals are achievable, and the "obstacles" are mostly in my mind, I just need to do the work and make them happen. So I guess it is a good realization. I need to get clear on productive steps toward my MAP and make sure my MAP still fits me. I'll do that this week.
Health - Goal: 10% BF. Black Belt in BJJ. Live pain free.
Ht: 6'4" Wt: 245 BF: 14%
I'm motivated again. Eating healthy and working out like a maniac. I have a solid diet plan and I'm going to keep up the higher level intensity of my workouts. lets see what affect that has on things in my next OYS. I suspect I'll be down 5-10 pounds at this rate.
Finances -Goal: Year salary in relatively liquid cash and investments along with retirement accounts and option to retire by 55.
I'm feeling better in the short term about company and personal finances. A couple good weeks of sales will do that. We need some conversions to really put us in a good spot. I can't relax though. I need to follow through on setting up a couple of my plan Bs and have some conversations with customers setting the groundwork for more sales.
Parenting - Goal: Raise healthy, curious, active kids. Model these qualities for them. Engage in activities with each of them that they are passionate about.
Goals:
Parenting is good. Kids continue to thrive. I'm really enjoying these ages 12 and 8. We are fully out of little kid phase, and my kids are pretty responsible and relatively self sufficient. Giving me the opportunity to guide them in areas and observe others. Its fun. I'm very happy with my parenting. Always room for improvement, but I'm excited for the human beings they are becoming and I know we will continue to have great relationships.
Frame - Goal: To not measure myself by others opinions.
Goals:
Frame is going to be tested this weekend. Some of my family is coming to town, and it really stresses me out. I know this going in, and I'm actively planning specific activities so we don't have the shit show we typically do. I'm also prepared to set some boundaries. There is a lot of history here, and a lot of my blue pill shit comes from these dynamics. Holding frame in this scenario is a good test of where I am. I will report back next week.
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Sex - Goal: Active and fun sex life. Initiate whenever I feel like it no butt hurt over rejection.
Goal:
I'm frustrated with myself. Was rejected last night. Did my best no butt hurt impersonation. But it pisses me off when wife has bullshit excuses. I wasn't so pissed about the no sex, but once that happens, I get frustrated with all the other shit she does that pisses me off. Which I know is because of a covert contract. Clearly I'm a dancing monkey. But I wouldn't have her as a roommate if she didn't have such a nice ass and put out.
I didn't barf emotions on her. i read my book then went to sleep. Woke up, did my best to reset and made myself busy. Not hard, I have a shit load of stuff to do. She follows me around, telling me I'm upset. is it because she didn't have sex with me last night. I redirect, try to move on do something else. She keeps asking. I guess this is a good sign that she cares why I'm busy and not giving her attention, but bad, because she clearly sees it as butt hurt or just feels bad about the rejection. She never used to in my blue pill days.
Anyway, I'm working at my desk, she finds a reason to be in my office. Then climbs on my lap and wants a hug, I give her one. It then turns in to her kissing my neck while I try to work. I wasn't being butt hurt, but I did have some things to do. Then she starts grinding on me. Then I said fuck it, carried her up stairs and got it done. It felt like a pity fuck because I was pouting. Maybe not, I wasn't pouting, just busy. Whatever, I'm not going to over analyze it.
ashen_graphics 5y ago
OYS #1
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Age 25, 5'11'', Weight 190 lbs. A 2 yr old son.
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Physical: Been on a eat whatever you desire streak, as eating bad is one of my bad habits if shits going down. Will use tracking and cutting out sugar to get back on track, has always worked for me. But I still go through stages where I'm more on the soft side and then im ripped again. I definitely need some more consistency regarding my eating habits.
I don't have a specific training time and plan, but I guess that's something I'm missing. Typically I take my dumbbells and just go at it for half an hour.
Kids: I absolutely love this kid and I also show him that I do. He prefers me over mommy, so that's a win in my book. He's slowly learning to talk and I'm so unbelievably proud. He's a cheeky boy and gets his scolding sometimes but all on the good side.
Relationship: This definitely is my elephant in the room. After I got my girlfriend unwillingly pregnant 3 years ago, the relationship instantly turned to shit. I was scared shitless and didn't have any clue what to do and she noticed that. Halfway through the pregnancy she blocked all contact with me. After birth we came back together but I was always the guy that wasn't there for her in her pregnancy. It has been an on and off relationship ever since. I turned so fucking beta in this relationship, I was only reacting to her, trying to please her and wouldn't want to ever upset her.
I wanted to leave her so often, but it's so fucking hard with kids involved. If it weren't for the little one I'd have been out the door a long time ago, but I always believed in this dream of becoming a happy family. I guess life does have different plans for me though. We didn't make it longer then 1-2 months without breaking up, our familys now hate each other and I think I'm finally past the point of no return. I wouldn't have imagined this to be so difficult once you've invested so much time and money into a woman/relationship.
Last week a huge fight between me, her and her mom came up where everything got fucked up. Her mom is a total disaster and I hate that shes interfering so much in our lifes. My gf sided with her mom in the end and is going no contact on me now. I won't go into too much detail but at this point I knew that I finally have to go.
Reading: I've gone through so much selfhelp books, including the red pill ones and I can't stand reading those anymore. I've got all the knowledge but I'm having some real trouble doing things I don't like doing.
Currently reading the 3rd part of MBT by Tom Campbell.
Work: I'm working as a graphic/motion artist at a well-known sports company. It's all nice but sometimes really stressful in here. Really want to go freelance later in my career.
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Goals: I don't have any written out goals or something (which I probably should) but the only things I really do care about is: Being healthy, going freelance sometime, always being an artist and being a good father for my kids.
kikstartkid 5y ago
OYS #7
Past OYS #1/#2/#3/#4/#5/#6
Stats
Me: 38, 5’8, 179 (-1), 21% BF
Current Working Lifts (5x5): S 145 (+40), D 165 (+20), B 150 (+10), OHP 105 (+10)
Wife: 35, married 6 years, together 8
Kids: 1 girl (2), 1 boy (2 months)
Update
Short (and late) post due to a work trip this week, but want to keep up the progress checkins. I’d give the previous week a C. Certain things are improving while others are flatlining.
Focus Areas for Next Week
* Vigilant on STFU - things are going well, don’t get comfortable
* Diet - track cals/macros daily, hit macros at least 4 days
* OYS - need to make progress this weekend against some of my list since I was out much of the week
MRP_Dez 5y ago
10/11/2019
Background
In a LTR of 3 years, living together for most of it... I’m 46 she’s 24. I have 3 sons from previous relationships 18, 16 and 5, they live with me alternating weeks.. SO is my sub, we’ve been a D/s relationship from the beginning. I’d describe our dynamic as 1950’s household.
In the past year I’ve gotten lazy made excuses while I fell out of shape. All the shit people do when they are happy with their results and stop doing the work that brought them there. I’m here doing a MRP reset.
First post
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/d5e01f/own\_your\_shit\_weekly\_september\_17\_2019/f0ox9mq?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x
Frame:
What I’m focusing on
Reading & sidebar:
Way of Superior man, rational male, how win friends and influence people, NMMNG, book of pook, red pill coach. Currently reading WISNIFG
OYS update starts here
**putting OYS updates in context of my MAP** I’m in phase 1 2 and 3 right now, other phases will come into focus later.
MAP phase 1 - Lifts, reading, Financial plan-
Length: 12 - 18 months Changing life habits and reshaping my inner voice..
Lifts:
Beginning lifter. 5 weeks into 5x5. Squat 145- bench 100 - row 100 - Overhead Press 80 - deadlift 160 182 lb/22.7% BF progressing using the 5x5 SL app.
Squat weight is progressing, also the exercise I've focused the most on my form. Lowered weight on other exercises and am restarting my progression, so long as I can lift properly. I need to add more complex proteins to my diet.
Reading-
My personal weak spot is receiving criticism, although I don’t have much in my average day.. Looking deeper, there’s a fear motivating me - fear of criticism, conflict. WISNIFG is good read for this topic. Especially the parts about fogging and other techniques for handling criticism.
Finance:
MAP Phase 2 Assertiveness, Sex & Game. Ask for what you want, learn to say no. Set and keep boundaries
Length: Happening at same time as phase 1, P1 leads to P2 actions. P2 doesn’t happen by chance. This is my applying what was learned
Relationship
Domestic discipline is working out, we’re on the 4th week since I added it to our routine. Reviewing her daily journal, there’s a pattern to each week and there’s always a RP concept I can reinforce. This week she didn’t do her personal grooming. Her lesson was that ‘shes better then that’. I transitioned to a lecture that I expect her to continue to take care of her body, health, and mind.
The changes are having a positive impact, she’s initiating more and in creative ways. Texting nude yoga videos were a nice twist.
Assertiveness
My Aunt passed on Tuesday with a funeral on the other side of the state. There was a shitshow of texts flying Wednesday night to coordinate who was driving when and how we would transport older family members who couldn’t drive.
Told the group when my car was leaving, when I would come back and that I’ll pickup/drop off whoever can fit my schedule. Ignored all the texts asking me to change my plans to accommodate petty drama, as well as the the side texts asking me to pass a message like its 7th grade. Applying STFU and IDAF to family is hard man, especially with all the emotions. Glad I did, had a great roadtrip with those who were with me--even though the circumstances were shitty.
selfawareblue 5y ago
OYS 1
Age 30, Height 6', Weight 105 kg, married 2.5 years to oneitis
Kids - 1 girl.
Current Goal - Eliminate all Reds in my MAP
I just finished reading Atomic Habits, and am focusing this week on making it to gym 6 days out of 7. I
mightwill start seeding 2 minute habits for other reds this week so that I can start on the path of making them permanent habits.Progress
I've enlisted the wife's help in the kitchen by using a red herring - her best friend's wedding - as a "weight loss goal" for myself. She's really into it because she wants to go there with me as good arm candy, and I can use this time (almost two months) to cement the new habit of working out everyday with good culinary support from her.
My current workout plan is rudimentary - high volume single muscle focused weight training alternate days, with couch to 5k progress steps on the other alternate days. This should take me through the next 5 weeks, after which I will transition to stronglifts, and agility training to get myself into better shape for soccer, which I plan to get into properly asap.
Weaknesses
Expected results this week
[deleted] 5y ago
[removed]
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Yeah... we don't deal with incels with shitty attitude here.
Maybe a better username choice.
[deleted] 5y ago
[removed]
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Change your username or go post at /r/Incels
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
OYS 3
30 6'2" 220lb 25%BF, Wife 33 together 7, 13yo stepdaughter, 2yo daughter.
Reading
NMMNG, WISNIFG, Pook I finished MMSLP this week, I bought and am working on Rational Man now. I am not ready to create my MAP yet - see Mental below. Once I have a little clearer idea who TF I am, I'll do the MAP immediately. It will come to me - I can feel my subconscious chewing on it even now.
Physical
Started Keto this week, decided I wanted to see what Ketosis feels like. Sounds cool. Amazed at how much shit in my house I now can't eat anymore. It also seems hard to get sufficient fats into my daily meals. I've started using mayo to flavor fish or eggs until I figure out better options and some recipes I enjoy. Also started 5x5. Doing it every day instead of every other until I work up closer to weights that are harder to do. (I haven't lifted free weights in a decade so I have no idea where my body is at, don't want injury from rambo)
Mental
I'm having mental realizations and breakthroughs at least twice a week as I'm reading the sidebar. I've also realised that the moments when I'm not in my wife's frame are waaayy fewer than I originally thought. I take this as progress - I'm starting to see more of the areas in my mental models where I need work. What's strangest to me is that there are a few (very few) areas where I am in my own frame nearly all the time, and it's easy to stay that way, like work and my career decisions, but as soon as it's about something not squarely in that area I by default think something along the lines of "what would she think/do/say" - that has got to end. I know its going to be a brutal mental process to untrain those auto covert contract responses.
Professional
Since last week I've had two interviews for a management position in other branches of the company. One is in the city and a very high cost area, the other in a more rural but decent size town where I could buy a house immediately on my salary alone. Neither would be possible to commute from where I live now, I will have to move. Both bosses seemed very interested in me. Thanks MRP for reminding me I am the Fucking Prize. That mentality isn't just for interactions with women when you can back it up... I should know before my next OYS if I got the offers. Will be a 50% raise and the first big step to my career goals with this company. I've been gone from home this week for my other job. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to keep doing this one, it really drags down my progress in my main career and I've basically topped out for what I wanted to do in this job. I'll be eligible to move on in November. Then it just becomes about proper timing and maximizing my long term benefits as I go.
Financial
Sat down a few nights ago to do something I haven't in years - a deep dive on our expenses and income. Went through the past 3 months of CC spending and categorized it all. Figured out that while we are paying off about $500/month in debt and putting a decent amount into retirement funds, we are otherwise living paycheck to paycheck with no real savings or E fund. With the cars paid off, and over half the other loans paid off, we should be paying down at least $1k/month with the snowball effect, but our food spending especially has ballooned instead. Since wife is doing most of the extra luxury item spending, I told her we were going to make individual accounts, and each would put in half the household expenses worth monthly into the current joint account to pay our bills. What happens to the rest is whoever's business the money belongs to, and no more of her make up/hair extras in our expense pool. Her having to pay half isn't possible with the part time hours she works now, so she's going to have to start taking more hours during the evening a couple days a week, to make up her side. This will leave me home alone with the kids on those days- perfectly fine by me, I get to be fun dad, especially because for the last year she did the absolute bare minimum keeping them fed and baby changed, other than that she was playing video games nearly all the time, minimum 5 hour blocks at night. She can be more productive and add more value. It will also help even out housework accountability in a backhanded way, which she wasn't doing more than half of anyway. While taking kids to from school/daycare and "watching" them counts for something, not really cleaning half the time or more once home after a 5 hour shift when I'm working 10-14 hours daily with commute is not pulling her weight in my eyes when I still end up doing half the housework plus all my own home improvement man shit. Especially considering that big sister can now watch little sister for up to 6 hour periods, it's time to realign the wife's responsibilities. This may also wake her up to how fucked she is without me out here, no way she can make it on her own no matter how many hours she works, and then who cares for the kids? My parents, and she wants to minimize their time and influence on our kids so it will come down to how much she wants out of the no longer as comfortable living situation we have now. Either way my current If/Then sequences for career and divorce remain the same, and are the following: If she stays and decides to work with me as I improve, I continue to focus on myself and improve. Encourage her to do the same for sake of our children. If she goes, divorce as I continue to focus on myself and improve. Guide her during exchange kids contact to improve herself for the sake of the children. If I get offered one or both promotions, then analyze pros/cons of working in each location, under each boss, etc etc and accept best offer for my long term growth and overall life opportunities. If I get offered neither, follow up with bosses for constructive feedback on how to improve my resume and interviews. Continue seeking/volunteering for growth assignments related to management duties in current position and applying to everything I qualify for that gets posted for management.
Sex
Still a dead bed 6 months running and as I mentioned previously my first week I ramboed with my first book, NMMNG, and told wife I was going to stop asking her for sex until the new year. But I'm going to try to turn Lemons into Laid once I get home from business trip - I'm going to use the "I'm not asking for sex" as a great way to "excuse" being more physical with her, kino, flirting, trying to game her tease tickle etc. Best case, she will ask me for sex and from then on I will act like the moratorium never existed and go straight into initiating and working on OI with abundance. If she doesn't, I will still have kept with the program by reteaching myself to be fun funny flirty cocky etc. (The real purpose of the excuse) And then once Jan 1 hits I will start fully initiating again.
I've jerked it only 3 times in the last 3 weeks, only once with porn, and I used to be minimum once a day always with porn. I found I don't like the lowered motivation and energy levels I end up with after the fact. I need everything I can get right now to pour into unfucking myself. I'm worth the effort.
Thanks for your time, let the ripping begin.
man_in_the_world 5y ago
Dance monkey, dance, and may all your covert contracts be honored.
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
I'm still working to reinternalize my own value, and that I am the prize - I'm not saying I hope she realizes she's fucked without me so that she stays with me, because we are on the edge of divorce anyway. I'm saying I want her to remember/realize all the value I already bring to the table that she has stopped being appreciative of.
Aaannnddd I just read that and realized I'm expecting her to be grateful for Man101 basics...
So, it's ok to believe that she should be contributing more and to separate finances, but expecting her to be grateful for anything I'm doing is where I went wrong. Is that accurate?
man_in_the_world 5y ago
The BP Disney dream of every BetaBux ... Hey dude, let's have a conversation about a little something called the Red Pill.
Not even that ... for Beta basics.
The most basic RP premise is that beta providing behaviors don't create sexual attraction... and yet that's your strategy. Good luck with that, and your dead bedroom.
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
I'm aware of this. It's my reality for the time being until I can fully shift my mental state back to myself. Sometimes I can see myself dancing even. But I have to start somewhere and I choose to do to become and work towards incremental change. So I'm doing. I'm introspecting. I'm barely at layer 1, I'm only 3 weeks in man, of course I'm a fucking monkey. I haven't truly internalized shit.
No, that's not my attraction strategy. That's my "stop letting wife sit around playing video games while I do what she should have already done before I got home after a 14 hour day" strategy. The gratitude expectation was a covert contract part of that, but the premise of her needing to contribute more was there with or without it. Also, I do know that gratitude and desire are separate things. Validation/"credit" vs desire. My attraction strategy has less to do with her and more to do with "I want to be a better version of myself" no her included anywhere in that. I'm lifting, reading, practicing STFU, experimenting with A&A AM Fogging, (not just on her, everywhere I can work it in) working on being fun, OYS is a way for me to find my blind spots and learn more quickly. If anyone wants to Morph me then I'm down. There is no cheat code in MRP but I don't have a trusted objective RP mentor and that will slow me down compared to if I did.
Whether she goes or stays I will keep working on myself physically and mentally. That being said it would be dishonest not to say that I still hope things work out with her, it would be easier overall esp with the kids and I do still love her. But i know for sure I will handle my business from now on whether she is with me or not. I'm not going anywhere. MRP is the kick in the ass I've needed for a long time and the dynamics being spelled out in the sidebar makes so much sense for all of the glitches I used to see in the matrix but didn't understand what they meant or how to fix myself. It felt like a losing battle because it was one. I now have the tools at my disposal to turn that tide one way or another and I will learn their ins and outs and I will master them.
I'm here to work and I'm not going anywhere.
man_in_the_world 5y ago
You're a classic Type 2 Dysfunctional Captain. That post by u/jacktenofhearts gives you a high level road map to follow.
You might learn more quickly if you spent half as much time reflecting on the feedback here, as you do DEERing about why it's wrong.
You Type 2 "captains" are really diligent workers. You also tend to validate yourself by the effort you put in, instead of the meaningful outcomes you achieve. Be careful not to replace pleasing your wife with your diligent choreplay, with impressing us with your diligent MRP-recommended activities. Keep your eye on the prize, whatever that is for you.
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
That's going to be one of the hardest problems for me. I've been so far up my wife's ass for so long, I forgot who I am as my own person. And even before that, most of my life including childhood, teens, and early adulthood was all based on seeking validation from my parents and/or society. I'm not going to solidify a MAP and life mission until I am more sure of who I really want to be. I know vaguely: I have a passion for directly leading teams to complete projects. But I have a deep hole to dig out of first. I'm in with a psychologist once a week anyway for PTSD, so now I'm adding the stuff I find from introspection. I'm not going to stop digging, even if I do dig sideways instead of up at first. That's a part of who I am, I know that for certain. Persistence and optimism are two of my core character traits according to me for as long as I can remember and according to:
https://www.viacharacter.org/account/register
If you haven't seen that before, it's pretty interesting if you're honest and don't try to manipulate the results. I had some surprising secondary strengths that I hadn't connected the dots on before.
As far as being a Type 2 Captain, I pegged that the very first day that I found MRP and I bought NMMNG & WISNIFG that same day. Fogging Neg Ass Neg Inq have been working wonders in many relationships in my life. I appreciate the confirmation though.
sea-tease 5y ago
I did Kito for about 8 weeks. I didn't feel anything and you do realize how much garbage you eat. I lost all skinny fat (worked out and ran the whole time) but I saw no results for about 3 weeks. It sucked. I'm off it now but it still regulated and helped me permanently cut out useless food. Stick to it.
Good on the porn. It sucks and a waste of time. Some use it together, that's one thing. By yourself. Nah
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
Thanks for the encouragement.
[deleted] 5y ago
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Cam_Winston21 5y ago
First, props on the progress. Second, if your BF% is right, don't fret about not getting 150g on days you're not lifting, your primary focus should be dropping fat and that won't happen if you're forcing food down your throat in order to meet some magical number on an off day. Third, google "deload" and be mindful not to try to reach new PRs every week, your muscles need to recover & adapt. You've thrown a monkey wrench into the machine that is your central nervous system, it needs the resources to adjust and time is one of those resources.
AlohaMaui808 5y ago
It's been said to multiple other posters this week so in case you didn't see it - be careful that your focus on several areas doesn't become an excuse for failing to progress even a little in areas that you'd prefer to avoid. You specifically mentioned
So it sounds like you know this is a big issue, and you are OYS by admitting it, but the OYS stops there as soon as you said "but" - so really OYS - what are you going to DO about it, starting THIS week, not some time in the future when other areas are "where you want them" or whatever the words are in your head for why you're waiting to start working on this?
Start with the basics... kino on the couch after telling a funny joke or laughing at something together. If she doesn't like your touch right now, learn to be OI about that much smaller rejection. Pass her congruence tests if she wants to verbally call you out on resting your hand on her arm or leg or shoulder or whatever. If you're past that (something tells me based on your fear that you may think you are but you aren't consistent in the beginning and/or middle so it always falls apart down the line in the seduction process, or else your MSV in her eyes hasn't risen enough yet) then figure out where you keep failing in the closing process. All these rejections are learning opportunities if you have the strength of will to face them without ego. The fact you know you fear it so much that you're avoiding working on it despite apparently crushing most everything else says your ego in this area is very deep and is doing anything/everything to get you to focus elsewhere. Stop ignoring it. Start small at least. Don't wait.
My 2 cents as a fellow "procrastinator"
gvntr 5y ago
OYS 10-10-19
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STATS -- age 60, checked-out marriage of 29 yrs, 1 plate, 2 kids in school, weight 68, BF 19 workout every other day, BJJ 2x
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OVERALL – my focus is narrowed to two projects for Q4, cutting weight and turning a profit from my side business
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LIFT – another 2-day dry fast, weigh cut further. I started a slightly harder lifting routine. I have to fight hard resistance to lifting, as I want to slack off at every chance. I am braindead when it comes to lifting in that I totally shut down when it comes to all the gym rat details of building a strength program. But if I have a video routine I can follow it, just turn my mind off and do it. If I have to think about it I will quit. I can feel the results in my body comp. Very slow but it's coming along.
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GAME – I am out there doing Mayor game wherever I can, as well as making approaches on the street of all types of people. Somebody asked me for directions the other day and I ended up having a 5 minute convo on the street corner. I started doing online again and have arranged a couple of meet-ups for this week and got my pipeline going again.
OTOH, it’s become very clear to me that chasing pussy is a distraction, a cause of loss of focus. I have a very urgent need to push my business to the next level, and that needs to be a priority. Here is a fantastic must-see motivational clip from the Snake Wizard on chasing pussy, focus, and becoming an influencer:
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Stop Chasing Pussy, it's a complete waste of time!
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SOCIAL -- I’ve reached out to about five potential new bro friends, and I do this at every chance. I keep reaching out then following up.
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MONEY – got first new client this year, and also developed a whole new approach to sales in my business, which I had wanted to try for many years. Gumption. I also got back in the market this week, after sitting out the past few choppy months. I am implementing a more rigorous approach to risk for Q4.
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MISSION BRING VALUE – Influence. So, first the wife last week starts low carb and now the daughters, the elder of which took off a few pounds this past week for the first time ever. Dread works.
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Next, I have somehow influenced the main girl to get her slight overbite fixed at the orthodontist, catalyzing her to fulfill a long held dream -- and she took concrete action on it this week.
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SUMMARY -– huge breakthroughs in terms of impact and leadership; I have a ton of stuff yet to do though; there are some areas in terms of routine maintenance around the house, finances, and the like where my ass is totally dragging. Furthermore, I need to get back on track with my basic MRP sidebar reading, as I have been slacking off.
GWARY54 5y ago
OYS 1
October8, 2019
Personal: Age: 31 Weight: 230, Height: 6’1, married five years, 1 son age 3
Readings: Currently reading Gendernomics, NMMNG (2x), Rational Male 1,3
Mental: after six months of unfucking my head from near suicide, I am feeling like a better me. Found my confidence again and truly feeling like the man I was prior to marriage.
Physical: lifting for the last 8 months and definition is finally starting to show including weight loss. Been lifting hard, three times a week with 5x5 and also time under tension once a week. Looking the best I have looked since I was 22. Keep putting in work to get true cut and goal is get down to 225 then reassess.
Marriage: Frustrated currently with no affection and in full roommate mode. I’m good on dread 1-5 and starting dread level 6 working on my aloof game (comments and tips please on this matter). Relationship has become much better since I got out of my anxiety/depression. I was in full beta, covert contract bitch mode for a good six months. Could not figure out how to improve until I found red pill. Currently, things are not hostile, but also not good by any means. I’m close to leaving, yet I am giving this until the end of the year unless a no-go boundary is crossed hard.
Sex: Dead bedroom since February.
Fathering: Three old son and I have a great bond. Mother is in a weird hesitant mother role (I do not get it). Wife works retail so I’m the primary parent most evenings.
MAP:
Build up body: I have been lifting the last six months and cutting weight which is paying off. Was at 278 in February
Improve career: Currently in graduate school to advance my teaching career into school administration by 2021
Going forward this week:
Starting new graduate course (working towards masters in curriculum instruction)
RedPillGlasses 5y ago
OYS #4 Stats: 39 yo, 5'11", 179.9 lbs, 13.4% body fat. Live in GF 34 (three months living together), Six Kids - 7 to 13 yo.
Goals Completed:
Physical: Body fat slight increase (.3%), as expected due to higher calories for serving job. Weight dropped a little, also very fatigued in gym due to walking for five damn hours straight at serving job. Lower body weights reflected loss of energy this week. 1RM -- Bench = 235, Squat = 230, Deadlift = 245.
Health: Blood pressure 130/82, but only checked once this week.
Sex: Four bangs this week out of Gf. Was getting bored one time and started watching threesome porn while fucking her. She says "oooh let me see, that was getting boring". We watch for awhile, then I flip her over so she can't see. Go to kiss her while I'm doing it, she says "No, just watch them and ignore me. I know it's what you want to do." with a huge sexy smirk on her face. I do love this bitch.
Social: Nothing to report, the potential guy friend I had left three kids behind in Pennsylvania (we live in NH), and then tries to validation seek his way into "still being a good dad". Whatever ass clown.
Kids: More BS with the DCYF investigation. The guy won't talk to me, but keeps pressuring gf. She ended up talking to the lawyer who works in her building, he told her not to give anymore info and refer all inquiries himself. Gf was freaking out about it, but I mostly just ignored her. Raising six kids is fucking retarded, and about half the time I wish I wasn't doing it.
Relationship: Kind of sucks. I'm amazed at truly HOW BAD she is under pressure. She just cracks really quickly, and I understand she's worried about losing her kids, but for fucks sake, just breathe. We're not even being investigated, they are just checking all their boxes. She started crying the other day and completely owned it "I can't handle the stress, that's why I always liked you so much, it's like nothing phases you and I need that stability in my life. Please don't break up with me because I'm crazy." (sniffle sniffle sniffle). I banged her after she was done crying, then she feels great, until the next day. The DCYF agent told me previously he has up to 60 days to close the case, so hopefully he gets it over with and she can calm the fuck down.
Financial: I found out the poker dealers where I work make an average of $250-$350 a goddamn night. To have a $500 night is rare, but not super rare (like once a month). The shifts are 6-8 hours long, so that's $60-$80/hour (for the 500 nights). Obviously that's a fucking jackpot income (for me at least) and I wanted to take advantage of it. Problem is, I just started serving.
I dropped some feelers to the girl who got me hired at the serving job, she was surprisingly upset about it, took it personally, blah blah blah. She has been offered the management job to the whole place (and currently has the ear of the owner), so I don't want her angry at me long term. I also wasn't sure how the owner would take it, so I'm just going to back off on it.
Their super busy season is through the winter (servers average $200-250/night), so the money will be good till the spring. Told referral girl I would kick ass through the busy season, and then re-examine this spring. I reminded her I'm a sociopathic motherfucker (she's known me for years), she laughed and said you didn't even know I would be upset, did you psycho? Told her I eat live squirrels when I get bored, but that her ass looked good the other day when she was training me. "haha, ur so funny, michelle says you're hot, blah blah, girl talk about nothing, blah blah" Whatever, I'll just wait till the spring.
One positive note, she made $260 last Friday night, so my ballpark of $310/week sounds VERY easy to achieve.
TLDR: Got a good paying side job, got a lead on a great paying side job, women suck in crisis situations, and this week I wish I didn't have kids. Suck it up faggot, nobody cares.
To Do:
[deleted] 5y ago
OYS #24
This is going to be long.
MRP Journey began: Jan 2019
Age: 34; Height: 6 foot; Weight: 175; BF: 8.5% ; Wife: 35, (married 12); Children: 3 kids – 6,8 and 10
Lifts: Bench 265, OHP 180, Squat 265, Deadlift 285
Readings: WISNIFG, NMMNG, Rational Male, MMSLP, Way of the Superior Man, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Practical Female Psychology, The Tao of Leadership, Leading and Supportive Love, This Naked Mind.
Currently reading: Taken in Hand a guide to domestic discipline, 48 laws of power, Extreme Ownership, The MAP and Meditations.
________
Physical / Health / BJJ
Not a great week for lifting. I did 2 days on deload and climbed a mountain. Only got to train BJJ twice this week but had one of the best learning experiences I have had in a while with one of our brown belts. We had a 30 minute roll with almost no ego. It was just like having a conversation with a friend where you challenge an idea and get met back with an equal force in response. Sometimes it would get more robust but it would always slow back down to a light conversation. Sometimes you get into a roll where the other guy just wants to shout or talk over you, it’s just not as fun to have that type of conversation because I have to match that tone and I will end up with the last word (Unless its a big black belt, then I ain’t sayin shit). It’s better to have a gentle conversation and not ramp things up to 11 all the time. I wish I could do this in my life a little better.
Career / Finance
Nothing to talk about here. Anxiety fucked up performance at the end of the week. Not ideal, but hey I need to own my shit here. This week will be strong. Boss asked to setup an in person 1 on 1. This is something I have been waiting to have. She is so busy she rarely has time for a 1 on 1 call even. For about 3 weeks in a row I have missed my 1 on 1. Its normal, she is way behind on everything and is a disaster. Imagine that, putting an 18 year old girl in a VP leadership position and expecting her to actually lead well. Cute. I need to find a way to not work for a woman anymore. That is going to be a goal for 2020.
Kids
I have been super busy with work and have been slipping on this a bit. My little girl is learning how to type and is writing stories. I have to dedicate time to her this week and support her creativity. Last week I took them bowling instead of spending time with her typing her book and I know she was bummed. Everyone wants daddys time and I only have so much. I am glad I didn’t have 4 kids. I am teaching her how to type and let her play some games to learn.
Relationship
What a giant shit show this week was. Everything “seemed” fine and then boom. This is what happens when you get stressed out and don’t deal with the feelings and thoughts under the surface. Had I taken some time to introspect, I would have probably been able to figure this out and do a much better job of managing it. Honestly, it was all my fault. She was breaking rules and looking for me to discipline and I chose to ignore her. She was crying for attention and I gave her very little. I get RP says to not give attention for bad behavior but this can backfire if you have a girl who is actively looking for direction and rules. Removing time and attention and checking out works well to get her attention, but I am not looking for attention and don’t really need dread at all.
Did she fuck Beta Bob while she was out a concert last week? I don’t know and I don’t really give a shit. My gut is telling me she didn’t. She was running dread game on me and it backfired in her face because I didn’t get pissy about her whereabouts and I didn’t confront her. When women do the “I think I missed my period” dread game, are they aware they are manipulating? Do women actually think about the shit they are doing or is it just like retarded little ants that build things and do stuff because they are programmed to do so? I know some women are more game aware than others, but some of the game she is running is very advanced stripper level shit. She used too much dread and then I felt it (she knew even if I stfu) and bounced to the mountains. Decent strategy because I have plausible deniability as I told her about the trip previously and also was stressed from work and life. Still, she was on to me and felt I was reacting to her (which I was). I never said one word about being stressed about “us”. I just needed to get out and think. Holy shit was it good. I needed that badly. It was basically a 6 hour meditation for me. I am already planning my next mountain, I missed this. I am going to make this part of my mission / hobbies.
What do I want?
I am still trying to answer this fully but I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to keep investing into a relationship where I am giving more than I am getting back. I don’t want to get divorce raped and lose custody of my children. I don’t want to have 40% of my current income to live off while my ex gets the house to fuck chads in. I don’t want to live in the Philippines to avoid my wife and abandon my kids. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t have genuine desire for me. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t value my time and energy for the resource that it is.
I am leaning towards making her a plate. At first, it will just be in my mind. If things don’t improve it will be actual plates but I am not there just yet. In my mind, we are already divorced but I am going to continue on as if everything is normal because it is. I just don’t care what she says anymore because in my mind, we are already divorced. This is a great mindset to have because I will achieve better OI and DNGAF. However, how can you offer genuine comfort to a woman that you no longer value as much and don’t even really like that much?
I am going to see a lawyer this week. I need to know what would actually happen in a divorce and start to make a plan for that.
I want to stay married for my kids but I am also open to having a sham marriage for appearances and to be around my kids. Worst case scenario would be getting a divorce.
Here is what I REALLY want, but it doesn’t line up with my mission at all:
I realized that I want a bunch of stuff that I can’t pursue. What do you do when you have that kind of cognitive dissonance? I already made a bunch of choices and I cannot just pivot and change directions because what I “want” changed. I could, but it would be at the cost of my children. Right now, I am unwilling to do that.
tspitsatgp 5y ago
You are out of control and need to find a way to slow down and relax your mind - it’s on fire and not in a good way. It’s like you have this ticking time bomb in your head and it’s counting down to the day your wife cheats on you and you are desperately trying to disarm it, but the only thing you are achieving is ensuring that it happens. It’s like you are trying to visualise it into happening. Cut out the weed and the uppers you are taking, they aren’t doing you any good.
The strip club stuff... I enjoy a visit to a strip club every few years, but damn man, what the fuck? That was some sad sack shit to read.
I know it’s stupid to say this on an RP forum but you may need to talk to a shrink about your obsession with sex. If your mission statement was “Achieve maximal ego validation through sex” I would not be surprised.
Stop behaving like an out of control teenager and your wife might do the same.
Umar_Neo 5y ago
Talking with a buddy in real life, I gave him this advice.
Figure out your dealbreakers, know your boundaries. Know if you can defend your boundaries and what really matters. Minimize that list to what you consider a small number. When she/anyone does something that bothers you that is not on that list, which you have a response already prepared for, realize you have to much free time worrying about bullshit and get busy doing awesome shit, take more risks, or stop being around women so much because they are wearing off on you.
Make list
Make response actions
!list.contain(feelz)? grow some balls : acta non verba;
hack3ge 5y ago
If you are gonna OYS do it properly
The email she sent you that you DM’d me tells a different story than this so don’t blow smoke up everyones ass here faggot.
She fucking owned you in that email and called you out on being a whiny, insecure little bitch - rightfully so.
I don’t give a fuck what you do but if you want to keep burying the lede then the guys who waste their time on you need to know. I certainly won’t be wasting my time on someone who doesn’t own their shit.
As for as everything you posted here and below - it’s all your mother fucking hamster faggot. You aren’t leading shit and you have absolutely no frame. Your happiness and mood are completely dependent on her fucking you. You are still a codependent nice guy - you just happen to have a wife who is a kinky slut so you think you have made progress on yourself but in reality you have not.
Dance mother fucker dance.....
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
Bravo.
[deleted] 5y ago
I don't follow how it tells a different story? I didn't get pissy about her whereabouts and some of what she said is just hamster. I wasn't rude, I didn't ask if she drank too much or anything. I just wanted to know why she wouldn't be home in the morning like we discussed.
I have a lot of work to do. You are right and I will own that shit. My happiness and mood aren't dependent upon sex anymore, but it is dependent on how I am living and how I feel internally. Having sex does improve my state of being but it doesn't define me. I haven't even been looking for sex and I have been pretty pleased with my life. She does pull me in her frames at time, and she did on Thursday and Friday. She caught me sleeping and fucking me up good, I will admit it. I have tried to be pretty transparent here but do as you please.
Here is the email:
Daddy I love you I was so well behaved when out literally had dinner went to a concert and came right home and spoke to no one.
The man you say you want to be would Not act like a school boy. An alfa would Not be losing his shit and making threats to his wife at 8am . If you don't trust me you have no reason why not too. You know I feel guilty everytime I spend money or leave my kids and do anything for myself. Instead of feeling blessed that you such a selfless woman as a wife and mother to his kids. You abuse me and guilt me constantly. This is why I stayed home and had no friends and no life bc the reaction and treatment I got from you was too painful for me to deal with. Anything I did for myself was punished by you. You never once have been happy for me to leave you and see my friends or family. You never let me have a life outside of our marriage. You want to have freedom but it's not allowed for me. To be your wife I literally am just that.It is always and endless texting and harassing.
I feel that your being insecure and petty like a jealous teenager saying that I was probably so hung over was rude. I had 2.5 drinks total.
I need to be clear in our relationship you have all the fun and freedom you can't hold me hostage all the time. You are being crazy. I go out so in the same weekend you need to go out too? We have to be a team..I work really hard for a man who gets upset if I do anything without him. The feeling I got off the phone with you were gross. You want to punish me..I won't believe you need a break or a mountain you are full of crap your just being a whiny insure man bc his wife went out looking good without him.
This experience was really eye opening for me the way you were mean to me texting me not even respecting me enough to let sleep in making demands and threats. You completely showed your true colors. I am really upset about your behavior it is not ok and I'm not ok with you leaving me for an entire weekend with our kids. What am I suppose to do with a guy like you Daddy you make every area in my life so much harder you make me exhausted by the stress you dump on me.
tap0988534 5y ago
Daddy, I thought her letter communicates that she's super into you, but she's frustrated when you behave in an unmanly and low value way by having tantrums, jealous fear, and needing her constant submission for validation. Nothing she said or did screams divorce. Yes, she is lashing out, but it is because she is pushing you to be a real leader.
She wants you to be the leader that helps her grow into a mature and healthy person, not one who exploits her out of his need for validation. She wants to be the cool healthy adult who lives in your frame because you're awesome. Instead she feels like you are a needy bitch who'll be emotionally devastated if she doesn't earn her slave collar. Read "models" again.
Everything that comes from a place of neediness is unattractive. She knows that you are dependent on her for constant validation. It is soul-sucking and ennervating.
She loves the kinks and d/s is working for sexplay, but for life it is suffocating her. Not because she dislikes the role-playing, but because for you it isn't role-playing. Instead, she is being slow-cooked in a cauldron of your insecurity.
It is hard for me to imagine being super controlling in an alpha way. Great coaches inspire, lead, and motivate. When they are demanding, it is to accomplish something, not to be validated. Reading your post history, it reads like you're a drug addict hooked on the validation of her submission, and honestly it sounds like one hell of a drug. I could see getting lost in that opium den.
hack3ge 5y ago
My take is you are a controlling beta nice guy who is larping alpha and she sees right through the whole thing. You do realize woman can tell - regardless of how you think you are behaving they know what’s really going on. They can tell if you are being an insecure little bitch like she clearly says or if you are mateguarding which she clearly calls you out on. It comes across in your demeanor, the tone of your voice, how your behavior changes in those situations.
There is a reason your wife makes the best sparring partner because she knows you better than you know yourself.
Let’s see what others think.
[deleted] 5y ago
I think its fair to say I am controlling and a recovering beta nice guy. I don't larp, I just regress at times of intense stress or weakness. This was my biggest frame collapse in a while, I have been doing really well. It was my fucking hamster, it went into turbo mode and reduced me to a faggot for a bit. If I had just STFU and took the kids bowling, I would have never had this issue or massive frame collapse and faggotry.
No one is going to disagree with you, I am a work in progress and haven't gotten to where I need yet. In time, these frame tests will be a walk in the park. The ones I couldn't pass 9 months ago are easy, so as long as I keep moving forward and keep my foot on the gas I am confident these won't phase me either.
This was a 10 on the shit test scale. I failed.
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
Bro, you've been larping your antics to MRP for months, that's why hack3ge called you out so intensely, and so on-point. You portray tough guy, you fess up to reformed recovering beta nice guy, but your wife's email screams out asshole.
Had hack3ge not called you out then you'd still (1) be getting misguided feedback from dudes because (2) those very same dudes think you're the "daddy" who's on top of it all and leading his supplicating wife to the promised land.
That letter says no fucking way, bro.
BostonBrakeJob 5y ago
Sounds like textbook larping to me.
Good word choice, "collapse." A frame built from a deck of cards is bound to do just that. And yes, you would have. You still don't see. Your idea of "frame" is based entirely on the actions others can see and, consequently, judge you on. Good or bad. This "issue" and "collapse" isn't just about your actions. For once, your actions were congruent with your thoughts. I'll dumb it all the way down for you.....your shitty thoughts, mixed with your insecurity, led you to this situation .....CAUSED this situation. This situation should have opened your eyes to your true frame. But go ahead, keep avoiding it by trying to rationalize and fantasize.
You fantasized last week in the comments section about being a Spartan warrior. This week, going off the grid with no responsibilities. Your avoidance is off the charts. You're avoiding some pretty weak shit within yourself, and shifting the burden onto your wife.
You are still hung up on her desire for you. "For me"...over and over...week after week. You've experienced moments of her desire....then piss and moaned because you thought it wasn't "for you." And you wonder why she's dolled up and active on Instagram....? A confident man would enjoy her desire all the same, without even wondering whether or not it was for him.
If she didn't fuck Chad, you can bet the house she was fantasizing about it. What's the move, Rambo? Could ya blame her? I mean, you've been living in fantasyland for awhile too, faggot. Goes to show, she's capable of following your lead afterall. It's not her fault you're a shitty leader.
Wake the fuck up.
[deleted] 5y ago
I’m awake. I've gotten absolutely murdered on this thread, in a good way. Thank you for the comments, agree on all of it.
I had another epiphany during my climb that is symbolic of all of this. I went to go climb a mountain, and it is a really big dangerous mountain. I wasn't concerned because, I had done big mountains and ego. I got to the first set of peaks and realized I needed to stop. I couldn't actually summit the tallest part for a few reasons. I was getting a gnarly cramp in my calf that was getting worse with each step upwards, I didnt have waterproof shoes so my feet were wet, cold and blistering badly. I didn't get on the mountain early enough and was concerned I wouldn't have enough light to summit and make it back down safely. I could have pushed forward but I knew it was a mistake. The mountain was symbolic of where I am. I made it up part of the way, I can see a lot more shit now but I am still a bit lost, unable to reach the heights of where I want to go and don't have the ability to go where I want. I really thought I could make it before I started climbing, but I was wrong. I couldn't lie to myself, it was real and I had to admit it.
This is a picture of my life. I am going back to climb that mountain and next time I will be prepared. I won't go on ego next time. I will plan shit out and be methodical and wise. I won't just make a random decision to climb the biggest most dangerous mountain if I am not prepared. My ego needs to go.
Was it you who suggested the 6 pillars of self esteem? If so, thank you. I have some great stuff to work on within myself. This experience exposed so many weak parts of my being. I own it and I am going to fix it.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
I think a lot of people get twisted up with this. You're defining bad behavior as, what exactly? Going to a concert dressed sexy af and staying at a hotel with her friend? I mean, if you want to control her like that, that's on you.
Bad behavior is making you an embarrassment in public. Bad behavior is not doing her part around the house. It's not a woman looking for attention, though I suppose that's a large gray area. Why didn't you give it to her? If you don't, someone else will.
I personally don't even think there was anything to stfu about. She went and had fun. She's allowed to live her own life as she said in her email. Don't give her a reason to be unfaithful which, IMO, is exactly what you did.
[deleted] 5y ago
You are right, I gave her a reason to cheat.
Bad behavior isn't the right word, its bratty. It's the brat in her that wants to purposely push me to see if I am paying attention, its the same shit my kids do. They NEED to be called on it or they will do worse things.
What I should have done was simply communicate that I don't like it, but the she is a big girl and can make her own decisions. Her choices will reap consequences and that is for her to deal with. That way I am not controlling, I am just being emotionally mature and stating what I like and don't like.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
What exactly did you not like? Her going out without you dressed sexy as fuck?
If that's the case, do you not realize how fucking stupid that sounds?
If you can't deal with it, fine. But don't be offended when she lashes out.
hack3ge 5y ago
Hence why she called him an insecure whiny bitch...
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
What he doesn't like is that (1) he's insecure as a mother-fucker, (2) he has a history of controlling his wife, thinking that's the way to overcome his insecurity, (3) he's still insecure even if he says otherwise, and (4) for the briefest period of time - one fucking night - his wife was not under his control, hence (5) his contemptible behavior, which (6) she so justly called him out on.
He doesn't like any of that.
Iammrp2 5y ago
/u/Daddy_ThunderCock
ProTip: When you find yourself trying to control others that's a hint that you don't believe you have control over yourself. Center yourself. Bring your focus where it belongs: inside your own skull. See if you can manage what goes on in there. That should keep you so busy that you don't have time worrying about what others are doing or who they're fucking (it's me btw. Your wife is fucking me).
It's true. Here's a home video your wife made of us
https://youtu.be/eSfoF6MhgLA?t=2m17s
[deleted] 5y ago
City an hour away, no contact, drugs and alcohol, dressed like a turbo slut looking for dick and posting on instagram for attention. This isn't stuff she ever did before RP and it's not stuff I find attractive or cute. It's for low value women and not something I like. Also, it was manipulation tactics. I don't want my woman trying to run dread on me, that is low value behavior too.
She goes out to bars locally with her friends, no big deal. She can dress however she wants, but if I am not present she usually doesn't look like that. When we go out together, I encourage her to dress as slutty as she likes. Me not being there and her going over the top slutty was my issue.
And then her changing times on when she would be home and leaving me with the kids, cooking, work etc was when I got pissed.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
You still don't see the downward spiral. Too bad.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
So kick her out instead of whining like a bitch. Shit, if it's not enough for you to act over, it's not enough for you to freak out like a little bitch over.
Back to the you problem thing.
hack3ge 5y ago
There you go that’s what I’m talking about - dropping your ego and getting down to the nitty gritty.
I just couldn’t stand by with you claiming you didn’t react to her little shenanigans and it was all her hamster.
She straight up owned you on this one - self reflect move on and get better. She was testing to see if you were the real deal and you failed like you said.
That behavior that you get from her where you feel a lack of a desire - it all stems from this dynamic and the work you still need to do. You were hamstering plating her and divorce because your ego wasn’t willing to recognize it’s still your fault.
[deleted] 5y ago
I didn't really react to her, I reacted in secret. I told you guys how I was reacting internally. She WANTED a reaction so in her mind I gave it. Just by asking her to call me she got defensive. "Oh, I have to call you because you are an insecure faggot right?" I wanted her to call me so I could find out when she would be home. I wasn't looking for info or anything else, I just wanted to work.
Then I started getting furious and anxious. Hamster went turbo and I decided I needed to get out of the house so I didn't say a bunch of gay shit because my frame had collapsed and I was a disaster. If she came home, she would have eaten me alive had I engaged.
hack3ge 5y ago
Hamster much?
Whether you want to admit it or not - she could tell and called you on your shit. You don’t have to say a word for them to know - you should know that by now. The fact you asked her to call was the nail in the coffin.
They are genetically programmed to test for weakness and don’t rely on words only actions. The only way to pass is to actually not care and be unphased - you aren’t there yet but my money is on the fact you can get there.
[deleted] 5y ago
You are correct in all of it. I did care and I was freaking out like a bitch even if I didn't say anything. She literally corralled me with her jab and I walked into an overhand right. I smiled to tell her "I'm fine, that wasn't even clean." but everyone knows, the dude who smiles actually got hurt and is trying to show his poker face. Trying to show your poker face is in fact giving a fuck and it has the opposite effect. If you get cracked and it hurt, do nothing, show no emotion and walk forward like a zombie.
FUCK! I have some solid motivation for the gym tonight. She wants to sit down and have a big convo about our future. I am going to listen for a bit, not give a fuck, give her nothing and then go workout.
hack3ge 5y ago
Exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you. I love when I’m doing MMA rounds and I see a guy smile after I catch him.
Fog the fuck out of that conversation and do not react - just broken record whatever message you are trying to send. Also a good pressure flip or two will really help settle things down if she gets aggressive. It shifts things back into your frame - I used it a ton during the shitstorms I dealt with and my main event. The other thing to watch out for is if it’s actually a main event there may be a comfort test there and you may want to layout your vision or refer back to it if you already have.
Though my money is that it will be an epic shit test and she’s gonna go for the jugular because she thinks she has you backed up against the cage.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Frame doesn't collapse. Classic rookie mistake from a guy who's been here so long.
You're incredibly insecure.
If your wife is out fucking people, as you so fear, why are you threatening and bitching her out at 8AM? Why wouldn't you be acting?
Either she's fucking people while out, or she's not fucking people while out.
What exactly are you scared of? That's she's capable of fucking people while out and you won't know? That's not a her problem, that's a you problem. Why would you be a dick and try to make it a her problem?
It's own your shit. Own YOUR shit. Your shit is you're insecure as fuck and your frame sucks. Your frame is that you're scared of your wife being in the world because she might trip and land on someone's dick. And every time she's out, you try to make her feel guilty for it.
Your wife is a lot nicer than I would be. I would tell you "How is the fact that you're an insecure fucking bitch my fucking problem? Why do you think I should make your issues my problem?"
If you have a problem with her going out, then own your shit and insist that any woman you're with stay at home under lock and key. But you know that's ridiculous, and you know that it's crazy paranoid. So quit fucking around and figure out your irrational bullshit.
There was no shit test.
It was an accurate indictment of who you are as a person. You're just so fucking insecure that you can't even recognize that and have to hide behind the facade of some meta MRP concept so you have some bullshit to protect your ego with.
There is no such thing as a shit test. It's all congruence testing. You have none.
You want to be a great person? Stop being an insecure bitch and start focusing on how you can make other people's lives better. How does your presence make another person's life better? How do you, being in your wife's life, make her life better? How do you, being in your kid's lives, make their lives better? What is your real value add? And not the bullshit "I'm a great father and make 100k+" that we hear from faggots all the time.
It's like guys saying "I was butthurt but didn't show it." No idea why you fucks think you're so goddamn smart.
[deleted] 5y ago
I think that is my issue. I thought I didn't care if she went out. I thought she wouldn't cheat because I fucked her good. I thought I was safe and didn't need to worry because of my ego. In reality, she could cheat and doesn't need a hotel to do it. After I made the ego post on askMRP I quickly realized I was full of shit.
I did care that she went out. I did think she might cheat on me and I wouldn't know. I was in a fake frame and got exposed.
The worst problems are the ones you think you don't have. It was a rude awakening. I am insecure and I got exposed for it. Fuck.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
But that's the beauty of OYS. Now you know. Now you can start owning that you know.
It's all congruence testing because if you're congruent, what anyone else thinks doesn't fucking matter.
[deleted] 5y ago
I can own it but I don't really know where to attack first. I have so many things I want to learn and so many weak spots. I am reading so many books at a time.
I think I am just going to get off reddit for a bit and shut the fuck up.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Simplify. Focus on liking yourself.
[deleted] 5y ago
Strippers
I haven’t been to a strip club since I was 18. The idea grossed me out and seemed beta even for a beta. I fucking love strip clubs now. I hung out till 2 am the first night and had all the hot girls hanging out with me. I just ran my normal game of DNGAF, read on my phone, sat with a posture of comfort and openness, confident and not needy. Even though I refused to receive a lap dance upfront many of the girls stayed just to hang out. By the end of the night, one of the girls decided I was hers and got possessive. She called me her papi and said she wanted me to fuck her after work. She wouldn’t leave me alone. I knew she wanted something but I couldn’t figure out what exactly, aside from money and drinks. I made it clear I don’t pay for sex or women already with her but I still thought she was trying to get me to buy her for after hours. She took my phone and put her number in and told me to text her to see it was real. It was. I looked her up on insta and facebook so it was actually her. You can’t take the dancers home in your car because of safety rules, so I left and she said to text an address to meet. We texted back and forth and I got ghosted. It was about 3 am so I kept driving north. I ended up sleeping for 3 hours in my truck at a rest stop. Woke up with a mild hangover, popped modafinil and continued on my journey.
The next day after I did my hike I decided I wanted to go back to the club. This one 22 year old with pink hair was my favorite. I forgot what it was like to hang out with beautiful young women and get to experience their energy. It’s intoxicating. Secondly, it made me want a 22 year old girlfriend and realize I could easily get one. Lastly, it made me realize that my wife is basically a stripper. Exact same personality as these girls. She is a master of using her sexuality to get the attention of men. I have lost all respect for her and women in general. It was the last piece I needed for mental clarity. I bought condoms and mentally was ready to cheat but I didn’t actually fuck. My dick didn’t even get hard because I received zero dances. The stripper game is so strong that it is hard to spot the differences between genuine desire and game. Because I am married to a stripper it made it a little easier. One girl was talking fight club and told me stuff like “Most guys can’t even look me in the eyes.” They were pissed I wouldn’t sit up close for them to shake their sweaty little clam in my face so I could toss money at them. A couple of the girls shit tested me for not paying for dances. They didn’t know what to do with me because I showed them so much disdain. I wasn’t rude, but just not interested in paying for dances or sitting in the seats of shame begging for attention. The 22 year old was PISSED that I didn’t watch her dance after I said I would. They are used to pure billy beta losers and I had confidence and I was easily the highest SMV for men in the place. A few tried more than once and I hit them with the same line “I am not a very good customer but I am good company if you want to sit and chat.” I bought a few drinks just so I wasn’t a total cheap ass and some of them were really good company. I talked about sex, BDSM, relationships, open marriage and all kinds of shit. It was therapeutic in a way. All of them were BI or lesbian, which I guess is normal.
The second night I came back the puerto rican girl came right up to me the second I walked in and threw herself on me. The last thing she texted me the night before was “Vete” which means go away. So she is throwing all this game at me and I say to her “Oh, I am your papi and you miss me huh? What was the last thing you said to me again, vete?” She just laughed and knew I was game aware. I negged her all night and fucked with her. She keeps pushing and tells me she wants to fuck me. I said “maybe” with a smirk. When I was leaving she asked me to text my address, so I did. Long story short, no show again. I text her the addy and tell her to come wake me up when she gets out of work, she replies “OK papito”. It was perfect, and just what I needed. I was able to internalize some REALLY big truths about women. I literally didn’t give a shit about fucking this whore. She wasn’t nearly as attractive as my wife. I am sure it would have been fun, but she is so low value and used. I can go home and fuck a much higher value stripper in my own bed.
This experience changed my frame irrevocably. I had not been in an environment where women acted as bold and brazen as my wife does with her sexuality towards me. The way they try to manipulate with touches, compliments, lies dribbling out of their gorgeous little mouths like poison honey. I needed that experience to help me solidify my frame even more. I understand women more.
When she starts running her mouth, asking for things, whining or just being shitty I tell myself “She is just a stripper. Don't take her seriously.” It's like picturing everyone naked when you do a public speech.
I had the best few days just fucking incredible. My mind was clearing up and I could plan and be calm. I spoke to some folks from here on the phone while I was away. They helped me immensely and helped me game plan. I wanted to come home and separate or look to divorce asap. They talked to me with logic and helped me see the bigger picture. Lots of dudes on here who are divorced feel like it’s the cool thing to do. A lot of guys on here want you to go fuck strange and divorce your wife. Basically like Billy Madison, if you don’t pee your pants, You ain’t Cool. I don’t need to piss in my pants to be like red-sfpplus. I don’t need to get false DV charges, lose my children and rebuild my life from rubble. Divorcing a woman and burning it to the ground isn’t easy but it’s probably easier than becoming a man who can deal with her bullshit and not be phased. Having girlfriends is far easier than being married and it wouldn’t require me to change very much at all. I could get bumble or whatever the fuck and close by Friday. I didn’t fully realize I actually have decent game now. If I put any significant amount of focus and effort into game and PUA I could be fucking a different girl every night of the week. That shit sounds alluring and fun, but also doesn’t help me with my mission, it’s just a distraction.
man_in_the_world 5y ago
This is some of the most delusional shit I've ever read here; you're so hungry for validation, you're deluding yourself that stripper whores trying to turn a trick are really into you, and you're talking about bringing down a marriage with a woman who actually seems to care for you to chase this delusion.
Your insecurity and anxiety are out of control, causing you to seek validation in hurtful ways, and to view everything negatively, which just feeds your anxiety and insecurity further. You must break this downward spiral.
Take a week and only allow yourself positive thoughts. Teach yourself to consider a positive view of things by reframing everything from a positive perspective. If your wife offers you duty sex, think about how much she must care for you to do so, not about her lack of desire. If a difficulty arises at work, think about how it gives you an opportunity to grow and show your capabilities, instead of dwelling on the possibility of failure. Reject negative thoughts as they come to you, by forcing yourself to think of and replace each one with a positive framing. For one fucking week, don't keep score; don't worry about how you're doing or failing with your MRP progress, and just force yourself to live in a positive frame. I think you'll be surprised how good your life can be, when you just refuse to listen to the fucked-up anxiety and uncertainty that's causing you to actively poison your life, and ignore all the good in favor of obsessing about the mostly self-created bad, which is anyway mostly a false nightmare narrative that exists only inside of your fucked-up head.
[deleted] 5y ago
The Return Home
I hadn’t had sex since Thursday when we fucked before she left for her concert. I was pretty pent up and horny but still OI and didn’t feel needy at all. I was planning to try and de-escalate the emotions from the weekend. I didn’t do a very good job of that at all. “Babe, I know you aren’t happy. I’m not happy either. As I said before, we could try this out for a while and see how it worked. If we weren’t happy with the situation we can always meet again and discuss our needs and wants to see if we can come to a solid plan. ” This resulted in another main event cry. No snot bubbles, but the crazy look she gets when she knows its HER that has to change something and she is unhinged. The conversation wasn’t very long. She wouldn’t hug me or receive comfort even though I know she needed it.
Later that night we watched this standup routine she had watched over the weekend and wanted me to see it. The girl was pretty funny and raunchy as fuck. Wife got turned on from it so she wanted me to experience it. She talked about how BDSM is awesome. You just get to lay there tied up and blind folded while someone fucks you. That night I blindfolded her and tied her up. First, I asked her what the safe word was and she wouldn’t tell me. I spanked her each time I asked and she kept saying she forgot. Finally, she “remembered”. I started by rubbing her with oil and getting her warmed up. From there I hung her head off the bed and started face fucking her while I rimmed her. It was getting really hot and then she said “yellow”. We stopped for a minute, I gave her a drink of water and blind folded her again in the same position. Maybe 5 minutes later she used yellow again and I could tell she had enough. My first emotion was frustration. I wanted to fuck. As soon as I felt that emotion I looked over at her and she looked pretty distraught while she put her clothes back on. I got her to lay on my chest and she was snoring in minutes.
Yesterday was heavy shit tests. I failed some and passed most. The bitch can play the game pretty well and I forget at times. Its like sparring and you get complacent and then BAM you get caught and you are on queer street trying to get your bearings so you don’t get clipped again and finished. I recognize when I get tagged and immediately respond in my frame when I lose it. STFU and retreat works great but recently, I just literally interrupt her with a question. Last night she was shit testing while I was eating dinner after jits “Babe, can you get me a glass of Kombucha?” I got shit tested about her not being my slave, but she got the drink. Then started shit testing about something else, and I just asked a different question. While she was talking I just left the room. Shit works great because she literally forgets she was in the middle of saying shit and just answers the question. It’s hilarious.
I am not out of the woods at all. Still not sure if I can pull this off but I am going to try. Today I am looking up divorce lawyers and going to try and set up an appointment for this week. I would like to at least see how badly I am going to get fucked in the ass if I need to exit.
I just got another comfort test this morning and a comfort test email. She wants to sit down tonight and figure out what my plan is and how she fits into it. I fucking hate comfort tests and I hate giving comfort. If it wasn’t for the whole fucking dudes bit, I would 100% be gay. I bet gay dudes don’t do all this comfort test bullshit.
Here is her last shitty comfort test email from this morning:
I am requesting time with you I really wish you would read and educate me on what you want. I have read what you read I don't understand the benefit of me needing you as much. I have always been on my own. I want to be a team I want to have goals even if it's planning our next home project or family trip I need this my personality is that of type A If I don't plan I need to look forward to something. Goal setting, This is my drive. With homeschooling, I have endless goals that is why I love it so much it challenging. I have to push myself self keep on take or if not my kids do well they need me to lead them it really helps that part of me. I feel like you don't know what we have going on right underneath you. I feel like roommates as of recent. I am very sensitive to not getting enough attention. when you do talk to me read to me or pray with me I know it's not working. I have felt empty in our marriage for weeks. We have to be flexible for both of the benefits you are different than me but you can't expect me to not ask for what I know I need. I going to make a list and you can make one for me. We need to do this i think it really helps.
Our marriage is currently the worst thing in my life it nothing but a source of pain unrealistic expectations and another thing I don't want to deal with it. When you were gone I didn't miss you at all didn't even think about you once. I felt guilty bc I felt this way. I have struggled to even want to be in this same room as you. I want to feel safe but you're setting me up for failure. You're putting some much on me but not leading. I feel like a dog who is getting trained to pee outside but I keep peeing indoors and getting told I am failing every day. I feel hopeless with us. I don't think you want me to do well. I ask you push back and keep directing me to the door. Telling "if I don't like it you can leave is so painful and cruel. I am not you. I need leadership a laid out plan and encouragement. I need you to have a clear plan in action focus.
I need structure as well I would like 2 nights a week that we talk about our life kids' relationship or read. we need intimacy we have zero right now and it is really hurting me, I feel like my actual needs are not being met. I can't not be a planner I can't not set goals I can't not be me for your benefit.
_______
I fully understand what she needs and wants, I just don't know if I have enough fucks to give them. Also, she won't give in because she knows that I am one foot out the door. Fully submitting to me and THEN having me cheat or leave would kill her. Its EGO at play. How do you have one foot out the door and still provide comfort? It seems like they aren't congruent considering she doesn't have any safety. If things don't get better, I want out.
tap0988534 5y ago
Daddy, this is starting to sound black pill. You love pussy, but loathe femininity. You're dream girl is an autistic dude with a cunt.
Have you done a blood panel lately? You sound like something might be off.
You are in the middle of a challenge. It is your opportunity to grow into a man. A man delights in femininity. He cares about the people he leads.
You're wife honestly sounds like a great catch, and wise. I wish you were able to enjoy her. When you're hatefucking her it doesn't provoke the desire she felt when you first started dread. That desire is what made her love gagging on your cock.
The feminine is reactive. Her desire feeds and grows off of your desire. Now that you hate her, the sex is missing emotion and immersion. Instead of taking her to new heights of ecstasy, she just chokes on your contempt.
Despite your magnificent abs and madlad bonehammer skills, you will never be a good lover again until you can remember how to appreciate the feminine.
threekindsoflucky 5y ago
She gets it.
BostonBrakeJob 5y ago
Did you write this before or after your epiphany on the mountain?
It's pretty telling that the only mention of this climb is kept breif in your comments. But your before and after stops at the strip club are pretty well documented.
Let me tell you a story from just a couple nights ago. I tied my wife up and used a toy on her for the first time ever. I wanted to watch her leak through her panties, so I left them on. I put on the blindfold and restraints, then tightend them down so she could barely move. I walked around her for a good while, brushing her feet, legs, arms, and stomach. Then I got the vibe out and teased her for a bit before finally making my way to her clit. For a good 5-10 minutes I rubbed it between her legs.
And ya know what? Not a single drop showed through. Actually, the wet spot that was there before we even got to the bedroom had dried up at this point. She was moving around like she was uncomfortable pretty much the entire time. I would calmly ask "Are you ok?" She'd tell me what was bothering her, and I'd readjust things for her. She just couldn't get comfortable.
I turned off the vibe, took off the blindfold and restraints, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and laid down beside her with my arms wrapped around her. She began the laundry list of excuses for why she wasn't comfortable. I interrupted her and simply said "It's ok babe." I could tell she was upset that she "let me down", and so I reminded her that the whole point is for both of us to enjoy ourselves, and each other.
Did I want to fuck that night? Sure. Could I have done something different to get her more immersed and comfortable? I don't doubt that I could have. But was I angry that I didn't get to do either of those things that night? Absolutely not.
It is something I want to try again. And I most certainly will recalibrate and go for it. BUT, had I took it personally and acted resentful toward her (meaning, had I actually thought she was useless to me because she couldn't give me what I wanted right then and there, which would have seeped out in my body language, tone, and actions) I can almost guarantee that another attempt in the future would be completely off the table. She would already be shut down going into it.
I tell you this to show you how far ahead of yourself you're getting. Slow the fuck down.
YOU have to be the one willing to break the cycle. And to do that, YOU have to decide whether or not you want to give this woman a fair shot. You fell in love with her in the first place for a reason. And this bullshit "she was my orbiter" storyline ain't it.
You've put her through some shit, and she is going to continue to push back very hard. Can you understand where it's coming from when she does?
Can you give this woman an honest chance at hurting you? Crushing your soul? And be ok if she does do it?
It's clear that the answer, right now, is no. And you have your own shit to work through before you can put yourself in that position, as well as a position to start leading your marriage (or LTR/plate in your fantasyland) to a place you want it to be. As u/weakandsensitive said, learning to like yourself is a good place to start. You'll probably squash some of that insecurity as you learn to do this. So start there.
[deleted] 5y ago
How do I get some space to figure this out? I would love to move out for a month but I don't see how I could make that work. It would cause a main event with snot bubbles and her falling on the floor crying for a day and I am not looking for that at the moment, I want to slow things down and not escalate.
My thought was to just tell her I need some space to think and that I don't want to talk right now. We can hang out, we can watch TV but I am not interested in anything else. I want to spend time working on my mission and myself with all of the spare time I have not working, lifting, kids etc. It's what I should have done more of before I tried to climb the mountain... FUCK
weakandsensitive 5y ago
I didn't read your 3 page long post at the start. It felt like a victim puke. It was.
and your whole takeaway from stripper thing is wrong. It's not women are manipulative and replace, but more that people are conditioned to do what is mostly beneficial. You're looking at survivorship bias. How well do you think the girl who has self respect and doesn't act interested lasts at a strip club? Why do you think it worked so well on you? You go to a strip club and think "Wow.. I can date a 22 year old!" After she's done being 22 and hot -- what is that stripper's value add?
What you haven't focused on at all is mindset. Fixing your mindset and your worldview is much harder. If you want hedonism, go embrace hedonism. If you want purpose, go find that which gives you personal purpose. If you want personal solace, figure out you can constantly add value to everyone you engage with to make the world you impact a better place. Here's a post on what it means to be attractive. - You may have physical down. But your emotional and mental are trash.
BostonBrakeJob 5y ago
I mean, if you need to leave for a month who am I, her, or anyone else to say you can't just do it? The judge may have some thoughts about it though. And it's likely he won't give a flying fuck abour your personal "journey."
That being said, I would recommend working through it while you're present with and for your family. The journey is the destination, keep that in mind.
WeightsNCheatDates 5y ago
Damn, I’m right there with you on a lot of things.
I would say yes and no. I mean you still live with the gal and have kids together. Me and me wife are getting to a scary place where we don’t even fight, cause there’s nothing to fight about, cause we both don’t give a fuck. I handle my shit, she handles hers, and we’re roommates besides that.
I struggled a lot with this. If you want to make the marriage work, this is something you need to figure the fuck out.
Same bro. I have this fantasy of burning it all down, selling my house, going back to school and doing exactly what the fuck I want to do. However finding out my wife is not pregnant all but stifled that plan.
To me it sounds like you’re debating cheating. I say you just end it. Your kids will live. You’ll be better off.
[deleted] 5y ago
I would be OK with that as long as I had a means to fuck. She can be my roommate and we can be on team "Don't fuck up the kids" but she won't be able to tolerate that. If I had a girlfriend she would go insane with jealousy and rage. It might be how things end, who knows. I am not going to try to cheat right now because I hate the idea still. I would just tell her I am not happy and I move out or we are roommates and she gets demoted to a plate.
Before I do ANYTHING I need legal council so I can find out exactly what not to do. If I turn her ugly and we divorce, she will try to take my soul.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
I'm curious why you place such a high value on fucking.
[deleted] 5y ago
I'm curious as to why you don't. Fucking is fantastic and I haven't even begun to crack the surface. From what I hear, it gets better.
Also, I was sexually repressed. I had no sex from 16-21. I had women who were begging me to fuck them, but I wouldn't because I was BP and was trying to find a nice girl to marry. I pretty much fucked up my entire life because I wanted to fuck and thought you had to get married to do it. This is why I am here today. I found out the power I have and I can't even enjoy it.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Is she your first?
[deleted] 5y ago
First LTR that I actually stayed with for more than a month. Before her I fucked like 6 girls. Once or twice a piece but nothing serious.
The reason she was so attracted to me was becsuse when I met her I had a GF who I was fucking. She started orbiting because of it I think.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Now it's starting to make sense. You regret your wife? Maybe even kids?
[deleted] 5y ago
Yep. Makes me sick to my stomach but it's true.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Yes to both our just her?
[deleted] 5y ago
If she would disappear right now no strings, I would be happy with the kids. I love my children and I wanted to have a lineage. I love spending time with them and watching them grow.
The only reason I am regretting the kids is because they are connected to her.
So if I could make her go away, have a girlfriend or oper live with us to help get the kids to school etc I would be happier. Replace her jobs of domestic shit and I am good. I could just get a girlfriend to hang out with when I feel like it.
I am realizing I want a woman like a vacuum. Take it out when I want it to suck stuff, and then put it back away so I don't have to trip over it, hear its noise or have it in the way.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Bull fucking shit. You want a nun that'll suck your cock and only yours. Good luck with that.
In all seriousness, I hope you figure out a way to deal with that anger. It's is a honey tip with a poisonous root. And you're germinating.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
OYS #47
37 yo, 6’0, 165lbs, 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 3 & 13
Gym :
Hitting it hard. New PB on BP this week, which is great for me. A year ago I was scared of the bench press. Terrified, especially as a 141lb man sits under 95lbs on the bar and has to dump it. Fuck that guy.
Reading :
Finished Unchained Man. It’s alright. Very RP, but as I wrote last week – this dude’s message around poly and open relationships just isn’t for me. He has sparked my interest in starting an "Alpha 2.0 business" again.
Work :
Working out the details of my resignation at work. Benefits/pay extended through Jan 1, with the possibility to extend benefits another month if I need it. My equity is a larger question. I suspect they will either strongly encourage me to cash out, or just leave my options as is for the next 10 years or until liquidity.
I lost 50% of my equity by resigning but fuck it. It wasn’t going to work anyways and I’d have to be there another 2 years.
I am a fairly technical Global VP of IT – experience leading global teams in Global IT Operations, Delivery, and Global P&L, and I’m starting to re-evaluate my work life and what makes me happy. I have three choices:
1) Get a Global IT leadership position, will take the longest, medium risk. Best financial reward.
2) Get a Director level IT leadership position (step down), less responsibility and less travel, least risk. It would also pay around the same salary I made before – where I was grossly underpaid. Lower financial reward.
3) Start my own business, probably not in IT and re-invent myself. Unpredictable financial reward.
About 3 years ago, I started a pretty profitable online side business. It made $70k profit the first year, $100k profit in year 2. It’s a business that is advocated for in Unchained Man – 10 or so hours of work a week. I pissed away most all that money on big trips, toys, taking care of family, big Christmas, and stupid shit because I never had that kind of cash in my life. 100% beta. I put the business into hibernation middle of 2018 because I needed to re-arrange my priorities in life (found MRP). It was a wonderful side-gig that I LOVED. I now have within my goals to re-launch this business before Christmas.
I have to create multiple resumes to send to employers. Sending in a Global IT leadership resume to a localized job makes me seem entirely over qualified and I don’t get any hits.
So, if any of your MRPers here need a proven IT leader at your company, I’m all ears. I have no ego asking others about jobs. I'm open to most opportunities and am really looking for a fun, good fit.
Financially, I’ve completed my plan through Jan 1 including cuts each week that will be made. I’ve already in the month of October been able to cut $900/m in expenses. Overall, if I get the Jan 1 and don’t have a new job, expenses will roughly be cut by 35% total. We can cut more beyond that if necessary. I presented the plan to the wife so she would know exactly what the Captain’s plan is, and that rough seas my be ahead but we’re battening down the hatches. A good Captain always has a plan and communicates that clearly to his crew.
Family :
Gosh, I love my family. My kids are great, and I’ve missed them. This week I took my daughter to music class, went to two baseball games for my son, and all sorts of things that I always wanted to go to stress free is now possible. The simple act of sitting down and enjoying watching my son play baseball and not have to worry about what the next email coming in is going to say…. it is such liberation.
I must take advantage of this time with my children while I’m in no-job mode. This is such a gift that I’ve been given. I will not waste it.
My wife has gladly began trimming her budget. She is changing up some makeup/hair stuff that she uses that is wildly expensive (fuck Rodan & Fields, y’all) to cheaper solutions. Same with clothing she needs. This has been entirely on her own volition. She is initiating small steps to help her Captain.
Social :
My announcement went out on my resignation at work and I was flooded with thank you’s and people wanting to talk. I had to have a couple of emotional conversations with two people that I’ve really come to extremely close with over the years. I’ll admit, I broke down a bit in front of them as I saw the disappointment in their face that I was leaving.
I’m trying very hard to solidify all my work connections before my exit, remaining happy and conversational (which is truthfully how I feel) and making sure I can extend those friendships beyond work after I am gone.
Oddly enough, two of my friends that I used to hang out with both contacted me and we’ve been trying to figure out good times for guy time. I might take a trip on Friday overnight for some boy’s time.
Relationship / Sex :
Even I sometimes get shit tested like a motherfucker still. Rightfully so – I knew that the shit tests would be coming from my wife since I resigned my job and threatened her internal security. Lots of comfort tests too, but those are easy to pass. There were a couple of days this past week where she slept in, stopped taking care of herself, shit testing me, etc…. I know why it’s happening. I kept my cool, soldiered on, put together my plan, informed the crew, and the fucked my wife as hard as I could.
Everything seems to be going back to the way it needs to be now. I’ve made it clear to my wife that her acting like she did does NOT help our family, and I expect her to get back to where she adds the most value.
This week I point blank told my wife “That pussy need attention everyday so you don’t start being a bad girl, doesn’t it?” Her answer? Yes.
I’m serious. If this woman doesn’t get a good fucking EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. she really starts being a bad girl seeking attention. This week was shark week and I’m focused on finding a new job so sex took a back burner for a couple of days to other stressors. You would think she forgot everything she learned since she wasn’t getting fucked. Not good. If she’s good, she gets to “be bad” in the bedroom – which is what she really desires. She wants to act like a good girl, but get the sexual benefits of being a bad girl. This is how I have taught her to rationalize her ASD and Madonna/Whore complex. It’s OK to be bad, babe. You’ve been so good!
I am excited that I have the framework of an intense BDSM scene planned tonight. We’re going deep. Real deep. I can take her into subspace with ease now – and I’m going to enhance this with sensory deprivation using a ball gag, bondage strap to a metal frame, blindfold and noise cancelling headphones. The last time we got started on it, she safeworded quickly (the only time). Tonight we agree to press through it. My good girl is about to feelz like a dirty, dirty, dirty little slut.
Sex aside, she has been adding a lot of value that I don’t regularly talk about. My wife cooks every day, cleans everything, all laundry, plans for the kids, plans for us on the weekends occasionally, finds new exciting things for us to do, and is generally bubbly around the house when things go well (80%). I still have moods every now and then due to stress or being stupidly tired of passing lots of shit tests (they never do stop folks). The odd part? As she sees me in these occasional moods now she will use her feminine energy to pull me back to my center instead of the fringes of who I am. I am so happy that I have trained her to do this and she is embracing it.
I’m happy now. I just want to know what the next step in this journey is.
Strength, motherfuckers.
[deleted] 5y ago
Hey could you please explain about the pretty side business of yours. What was it about? How did you start it?
I haven't read the unchained man.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
Online. Selling product in a niche market. Started with $1000 capital. Did $200k in sales year 1, did $325K sales year 2.
Started as a side gig for the fun of it to see if I could do it.
[deleted] 5y ago
Ohh!! I have read about it too. What did you need the 1000$ capital for? Did you get things ordered to your place first and then shipped them yourself?
red-sfpplus 5y ago
$325K in sales is not the same as your GP.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
$100k GP against $325K sales - wasn't a bad sidegig.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
Which one of these options will best enable you to do this?:
​
That's the option I would pick, personally. When you're on your deathbed you won't be saying "I should've worked more, made more money." You'll be saying "I wish I had spent more time with my family, with my kids, with the ones in my life who mattered." Don't lose sight of the bigger picture just to focus on today's grind.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
That's where I struggle. My kids and family are part of my mission, but not my mission.
However, I agree with this statement:
Problem is, I've excelled in my career with such vigor it provides me validation maybe? I'm great at it and it's part of my ego. Yet part of me does this because it helps complete my mission. So, it's part of my mission.
Reconciling a path for those two parts together is what is difficult for me.
hack3ge 5y ago
It’s time to figure out what you want and make a plan to get there. You are still limiting your vision on what you think is possible.
I recently went through this as I’m also a VP in tech and work my ass off and I decided on a 10 year plan to retire from corporate america. Why should I work so hard to make someone else rich?
It required changing financial priorities in my current life and taking some risks but the long term pay off will be amazing and I’ll make that shit happen one way or another.
Honestly the progress I’ve made in 2 years makes me wonder if I set the bar too low. I’m on track to make 50% more than my current income as passive income at the 10 year mark.
I am starting to understand why the rich get so fucking rich - once you change your mentality away from working for your money to your money working for you it’s a complete paradigm shift.
[deleted] 5y ago
Talk to me about this more. How did you start shifting? I want this too but I am not really sure where to start. I want my money to work for me but I thought I needed to save up a bit and then worry about how to make it work.
I wanted to buy a property and rent it as a first step. Where did you start?
hack3ge 5y ago
Lots of reading on passive income strategies. I worked through a bunch of options and settled on rental properties as my long term strategy.
Then I had to figure out how to make it work - you 100% need money to make money. I flipped a few houses to start to make some extra capital so I could continue to flip and rent at the same time. My current strategy is I flip houses until I have enough to both flip a house and buy a rental - at that point I buy the rental.
I have very strict criteria for my rentals, units, location, average rent, approximate annual return in cash, etc. I don’t even factor in appreciation on properties - it’s all about cash flow.
You can also make money doing using the dividend strategy which requires much less upfront capital. A lot of it is situational so you need to figure that shit out.
My ultimate goal is to have enough equity across all my properties to be able to build a large apartment complex - I’m working on getting the land now and will hold it until then.
I’ve already spoon fed you too much - do some work yourself...
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
So what IS your mission? And where does your family fit into it?
​
​
When you're killing it in one area of life, then you will make the greatest gains by focusing on an area that needs to be improved upon the most. It's the "Don't be unattractive" part of "Be attractive, don't be unattractive." You've mentioned many times how often you are away from home and family, and how you want that to be different - I'm not saying that needs to change, that's up to you. But I would at least give it some serious thought.
​
​
Ultimately you have to make some tough choices, and gain in one area of life often means sacrifice in another area. Maybe this will help.
​
Also, read u/ImNotSlash's OYS post from today, you're not the only one dealing with finding this balance.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
Yeah, it does. Helps me remember what's important. Ok, gonna stop choking up now.
You know, I've given this a lot of thought and deep introspection. I used to say I didn't like the travel from a different place. It was ego projection. Sure, I loved them and all... and I missed them, sure... but I didn't really miss them as much as I wanted to make myself and everyone else believe. That took some guts to confront.
However, I love my small little family now more than ever projected with ego in the past. It's a real thing now. Probably because I am seeing all the fruits of my hard work in this area of my life, and have grown to genuinely care about my wife and kids in ways I have not before. It took a lot of focus in that area.
Which is what I did with MRP and reconfiguring my screwed up mental models - which provided focus on my interactions and relationships with my family.
Which leaves me a choice: Do I attempt to make big career gains again at 37 by focusing my energy more there now? I have great untapped potential there that could be explored. Or, do I continue with a job that is closer to home and possible career stagnation? Would I be happy doing that?
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Why is this an either/or choice? How come you can do both and make it work?
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
I've been waiting to respond to this because i have been thinking about how to do both.
I need to get a job - preferably not as much travel internationally. Domestic is OK up to 25%. Maybe 1-2 international trips a year would be ok but I would want to take my family with me.
I can relaunch the side business and stand up a new idea I have quickly. Both would be longterm a way for me to unplug from corporate in a few years, or when those earnings surpass Corp.
Basically, I need cash inflow to build wealth. I don't know what that goal is yet but it will likely feed the timeline of my true unplugging. I've been very interested in exploring this for a while and now is the fucking time to do it.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
10 years from now, when you look back at the choices you made, which one will enable you to say "I'm so glad I did [this] instead of doing [that]"? For perspective, look back 10 years to when you were 27: what has changed? How are your goals different now? Surely a ton has changed, especially since finding MRP. Use those metrics to as a frame of reference for evaluating the scope of the changes over the next 10 years.
frame_is_the_game 5y ago
OYS #6 (OYS #5)
10/8/19
Stats:
Age: 26; 5’11” (71 in.); 170.4 lbs; 12% BF;
Lifts (demonstrated 5x5): Deadlift 315; Squat 235; Bench 190; Row 195; Press 110
Readings:
NMMNG (x2) - Nice guys aren’t that nice, it’s all covert contracts to get what they want.
WISNIFG - I understand, but I still want… (Broken Record, Fogging)
MAP - Build your overall energy levels; be attractive, don’t be unattractive
TWOTSM - Be a man worth following
16 Commandments - Be a man women want to fuck
SGM - DEVI
How to Win Friends and Influence People - learn about others and what they enjoy
Atomic Habits - focus on the system, not the goal. Systems last, goals conclude
Psycho Cybernetics - (40%)
Fitness:
Another good week of fitness in the gym. Purchased both a lifting and a dip belt which I have been incorporating into my workouts. Only got one session of yoga in last week, but am still stretching every night. Ended up pulling a muscle in my right hamstring during deadlifts this morning, will be icing and stretching tonight.
Diet slacked this week and I need to get back on track. Attended a wedding over the weekend and ate and drank a good bit, but that was to be expected and planned for. All the Fall goodies are in stock (Pumpkin Joe Joe’s from Trader Joes are delicious), and definitely ate too many sweets last week. The pantry has been cleared out and will be back to healthy this week.
Goal this week is to get in 3 yoga classes and 5 days in the gym, no sweets or alcohol.
Frame:
Crazy week for my girlfriend that put my frame to the test…
Her car was stolen on Tuesday night and she woke up to the mess Wednesday morning. Understandably so, she had a bit of a breakdown. I was able to work from home that day and was there to provide comfort. I told her I understood how she was feeling and could appreciate why she was mad. By being comforting but also not allowing her frame to take over mine, I was able to guide her out of the funk of feeling helpless. The police ended up finding the car on Thursday and it is now in the shop for repairs.
The girlfriend had a follow up doctors appointment yesterday for some issues with her breasts. There is definitely some serious issues going on and will be going back in for more tests in 2 weeks, they will be testing for cancer among other issues. I have been her oak through all of this, which has been a crazy test of frame. Frame is not always about being the most masculine man in the room and winning every fight, it is also about being a protector and providing comfort when needed. I have lacked in this area in the past, so being able to work on this in a tough situation was a good exercise for me.
So between the car getting stolen and finding out she has a possibility of having cancer, it was one of the hardest weeks of her life. Had I not had MRP to help shape my frame, this week would have gone much different. I would have agreed with her just how awful everything was and I understand how sad she is and how sad and frustrated I am as well. We would have wallowed in each others misery and been miserable to be around. Thankfully, this place has shown me the path to navigating tough scenarios, and I was able to provide comfort and stability through this whole situation and we have come out the other side stronger than ever.
Part of her way of saying thank you was with a massage. If you have never gotten a massage with a massage candle I highly recommend it. The warm wax feels great and it is romantic as fuck.
Goal this week is to move on from the shit show of last week and have a fun, lighthearted week. I will go into every scenario with the frame of I am going to have fun and be happy.
Career/Finance:
Had a client drop a pretty big bomb on me on Friday. Essentially they want to push a deal back six months from what was agreed to, and it screws up our budget. My boss and I have a call tomorrow with their team to go through the options.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the conversation, what I thought they would be looking for, and what our best case scenario would be. After I came up with my best course of action, I called my boss to talk with him about it. I walked my boss through how I thought the conversation will go and asked for his advice, even though I already had my plan. My boss can be stubborn and always wants to go with his ideas. Using the 48 Laws of Power, I helped guide my boss to the scenario I thought was best, and he agreed while thinking it was his idea. This makes both me and my boss look good, win win. He will be handling most of the conversation tomorrow, but I will chime in when necessary.
Goal this week is to continue to “manage” my boss without overstepping my boundary.
Social/Hobbies:
Girlfriend and I went to a wedding in the mountains this past weekend. The leaves were at their peak and it was one of the most gorgeous venues I have ever been to in my life. The reception was a blast; I met tons of new people, was very social, danced a ton, and we had a great night.
Other than that, the week was spent getting my girlfriend through her tough week.
Goal this week is to spend a night out with friends.
Mission
To live a happy, healthy and financially free life.
Unchained Man has been recommended to me by a couple people, that will be next on my list to read after Psycho Cybernetics
Jaszen3 5y ago
OYS#6
44y/o, 5'8", 182lbs, 18%BF, Married 8y, 1 daughter 7.
READING: No change here. Rereading prerequisites.
PHYSICAL: Tough work cycle completely busy and assed out today. However I did manage to stay the course and added a morning breath work routine thru all of it.
FINANCIAL: Have made time for consistent reading on stocks and financials. I just try to knock out small chunks each day in between the rest of my have to's.
RELATIONSHIP: OK, a thought has occurred to me. I didn't think I can recognize a shit test. Is general bitching considered a bitch test? I have been racking my brain to find a recent shit test to discuss when I couldn't do it. So either I have a unicorn, which isn't the case she has already proven AWALT. So what the fuck am I missing?
Example, The wife does a weekly dinner meal plan. So when I come around she will comment that she doesn't know what to cook and then asks for suggestions. If I were to guess I would say that 80% of the time she shoots down my suggestion. Until I finally just ignore her and go back to what ever it was that I was doing.
Or for instance, today, like I said I had a very busy work cycle, no sleep the first night at work. Got some rest last night, but no where enough to be back to 100%. So I stop at the store on the way home to get some stuff to make lunch for myself because I don't know what's in the house to eat. When I get home I notice that there is a healthy amount of great left overs. (My wife is an extremely healthy and good cook.) But I decide to cook up what I brought home because it was my plan of the day. Wife gets home from work with the kid. They smell what I cooked. Wife comments that there is plenty of left overs to eat. I say I saw that but ate what I bought. She repeats, I STFU, she repeats, (this must be a DEER I expect) I respond with I didn't know there was going to be food in the house. Now she changes to "you could have asked." I ignore and STFU. She knows I was busy the last 48hours and am functioning on very little sleep so she broken record repeats "you could have asked." Until I can't take it where I respond "I didn't even think to ask, I just handled my business." where she finally drops it.
Besides improving my SMV through lifting, diet, and intoxicant restraint, I was trying to find some other weaknesses. When I got stumped by the shit test issue.
I will have to begin journalling my thoughts for here. I have had some other topics I wanted to bring up, but don't remember them.
EDIT: Went to side bar and found this Don't fix her problem..Fix her feelz. I don't think I am recognizing shit tests.
mrpmonk 5y ago
OYS #3
Profile
29YO, LTR27. RP aware 3 months. HT 5'6" WT 132 BF 14%
Mission
I am the leader, the provider, and the protector of my home, who cultivate authority with a powerful, unshakeable, and rock-solid frame. I listen to what I want and do what I please, yet I'm considerate for others and would serve them with no sting attached, after meeting my needs and desires FIRST. I act on a projection matter, not reactive. I am respectful, funny, and humble man, who's also decisive, goal-oriented, and well-determined. I am of high value and share my values to the world and the people around me. I have high standards and integrity. I radiate masculinity and confidence and aspire others to be like me and enjoy being around me. I strive to achieve my goals, obtain wisdom and learn from my mistakes to be a better version of myself everyday. I am the prize.
Fitness
Started crystallizing my schedule in early morning and making consistent schedule. Enjoying my streghth
I run 10 min day 5/7 for 1.65 miles with 60 push-ups, 60 crunches and 60 squats. The run increase to 6+ miles outdoors in the weekend. Increased the incline to 1.5+ and did 9 miles outdoor shirtless outdoor. Feeling great to be checked out.
Done 8x5x3 modified strong-lifts for 2 weeks. With added biceps and pull-ups on one day, triceps, shoulders and raised legs on the other day. Upper body 60 lbs and lower body 80 lbs.
Goals: Keep correcting my form in lifting, push-ups and squats.
Diet
Cutting on food before bed to enhance my stomach function in early morning work out. Enjoying rich breakfast or lunch. Keep up with high fiber diet as my stomach is reacting.
Goals: Rewarding myself with more home-made smoothies after long successful days.
Relationship
I started gaming and flirting my neighbors and my colleagues in my graduate school program
My LTR who's my roommate (without contract) left my home to live with her visiting aunt in support of my monk mode. I asked her this weekend to return but she declined because she is sunbathing and enjoying life like a tourist with her aunt, and probably fucking Chad. Since I realized how deep I am in her frame, instead of her pussy, I'm nexting her when she comes back if I don't get the sex I want. She will be out of my apartment.
Goals: Keeping up my abundance and seduction training
Books
RedPill literature:
Still Reading:
Reforming marriage by Douglas Wilson.
Goals: Reading more daily in the time wasted commuting.
Career
Restoring my work-study-life balance. Made reasonable daily goals to achieve everyday.
Discussed strategy with our clinic manager to obtain a raise plan in my current role
Also, will work in adding a new part time job that I'm passionate about. Today is my interview
Goals:
- Make agenda to obtain a raise at my job
- Studying hard to perform well in my school's mid-terms
Mindset
Monk mode is doing miracles in combination with my meditation 5/a day. I started to restore healthy relationships I had from friends of value and cut on beta friends that encourage me destroying my masculinity. Reflecting on my ambition and status, as well as my history with the knowledge obtained from NMMNG
Goals:
- Making sure I do ONLY what I want and move things to be in my frame.
- Keep up with Monk-mode in masculine attitude.
man_in_the_world 5y ago
A list of personal attributes is not a mission. It's what people who have always operated on other peoples' frames come up with, because they have no idea of what they want, and no goals that don't involve getting the approval and validation of others by helping them accomplish their missions.
mrpmonk 5y ago
If I get it correct, vision statement does not have specific goals, rather a broad goal. I tried to avoid shaping my mission as a strategic plan with specific goals (wight of the responsibility, specific metrics on a time table..etc).
I still don't get it and would appreciate your feedback. Isn't the mission a vision statement of what we want and strive to be?
man_in_the_world 5y ago
No. Vision and mission statements are very different.
In any event, the point is not to have a mission or vision statement; the point to have a mission.
Your better personal attributes vision simply makes you a better beta tool to be used by some alpha leader to serve his own mission and goals. Which is why most guys here write similar ones; for their entire beta lives they have learned to adopt their mothers', teachers', bosses', and wives' frames to obtain validation and rewards for improving their capacity to serve their many masters' missions and goals. Continuing to do so feels very right and natural in the depths of their beta souls, whereas the more alpha mission and frame are alien, confusing, and threatening concepts that they tend to postpone or avoid. But guess who's attractive: the leader with a mission, or his better beta tool?
mrpmonk 5y ago
That's exactly what I thought of myslef as I started reading NMMNG
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
I'd like to hear your thoughts about Pook.
mrpmonk 5y ago
He is like a scientist more than a philosopher, gives you two conflicting thoughts and leaves it to you to decide which fits your judgment better. Sometimes he brings two subjects that may be considered contradictory if you don't know the depth of difference, yet his material fits beginners to map the extent of RedPill philosophy. He is the Don Juan of this age!
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
And the general demeanor he seeks to bring to life in his writing? What do you think of that?
mrpmonk 5y ago
I don't get your question, sorry
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
I feel like pook is creating this persona of a man in his writing. I think anyone who gives it minor thought understands the persona he's trying to bring to life, and can see the differences between themselves and him. And I think you stand in stark contrast to that persona.
I don't think you get pook. And I don't think that's a good thing.
mrpmonk 5y ago
Interesting. I remember book saying early that people try debating pook, when he is just a mere idea that you may take it or leave it. Or something close to this.
I like how you look at his persona through his writing. I bet you are an avid book reader who can read between the lines. Great analysis!
SirRedKnight 5y ago
OYS #7
33yo, 6'. Wife, 36yo, married 8 years. One kid, girl, 6yo.
Physical
I've decided I've been wasting my time on the Texas Method. It's an intermediate lifter, weekly periodization program and I'm nowhere near intermediate status. Putting my ass back on starting strength linear programming. Like what I did when I first started lifting... that worked... where all my real gains came from in the first place. Cept this time I won't be high as fuck trying to deadlift my bodyweight.
BJJ has been great. I'm planning on one more sunday/begginer/fundamentals class (which we've been rolling at the end anyways) and will start weeknight sho'nuff gi classes next week. (this is for scheduling/fall break reasons)
Sobriety
Day 51 since my slide with that brownie. Day 11 no booze.
Marriage
My faggoty "second option" for my marriage has been taken off the table. No, the recordings I got from her car are not admissible evidence, but they are what I needed to KNOW the truth. Like the gps and PI and the many many lies weren't enough. I still needed to hear the words out of her filthy mouth.
So she's on a trip with her father til the 17th. This is a blessing. It gives me time to get a report from the PI to my attorney, hope he says it's enough for infidelity (fucking should be. definitely enough to show me being the primary caregiver) and get my D paperwork in order.
I've been planning on telling her I'm out when she gets back in town. Not telling her what I found out, the lengths I went to to find out, or any particulars. I can see it now though, "tell me what I did! Tell me what you know! (so I know how much I can lie about what you don't know)." She stepped out of the marriage, so I'm firing her. Pretty simple, really. The details don't matter as much as I thought they would. Was planning on recording (if one party of the conversation is aware, its admissible) and maybe get a nice confession out of it. This will be hard. This woman managed my emotions for a long ass time and will try like never before to yank me back into her frame. This is what makes those VOR records so important for me. I absolutely know the truth now, and there's nothing she can do or say to change that. Maybe my attorney will advise against this. He might advise to just serve her ass, close the joint account, change the locks, get the restraining order, and don't say shit. We'll see. I have a little time to figure that out. Any pointers welcome.
Reading
Will load WISNIFG onto my ereader today. Fogging and broken record are nice, but need to go further for what's ahead.
steelmelt33 5y ago
That’s sucks bro. But now you know. Good job on the sobriety.
Iammrp2 5y ago
Read this guy's comment again. Get out of your wife's frame.
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/dbqaao/own_your_shit_weekly_october_01_2019/f24fewb/
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Aww.. you poor little baby.
[deleted] 5y ago
OYS #51 (formerly LongRoad_518)
One year today from finding MRP. MRP fixes the man not the marriage.
Four days since wife found MRP. Not sure how it happened - it doesn't matter though. Friday she found MRP - past posts, comments, all of it. Changed the username to at least have an attempt at anonymity going forward, but fuck it if she finds this one too.
Also, this past week - wife had a positive pregnancy test Wednesday and then negative Friday (same day she found MRP). As many know - we were trying for another kid for years. This definitely did not help the situation.
Wife Losing Her Shit
Losing her shit is an understatement - she went full-fledged insane.
My guess is she's spending time and energy reading through posts trying to find anything negative to use in a divorce case.
My Frame and Plan
Anyhow - long story short I didn't get angry, didn't get sad, didn't apologize, asked her if she had any questions or clarifications on what she read. When she left to go to her mom's told her to drive safe, hopefully she figures out what she wants, and has a great time.
I've been meditating 20-30 mins each night and this has helped a lot.
I was in a good place until last night - started getting spun up around the pain in the ass this will be, the change of lifestyle, and I did have fleeting feelings of "am I going to find someone else". These feelings of "not being the prize" were at least short lived and fixed by forcing myself to go to martial arts. Felt better after that. I get an urge to try and contact my wife and tell her to snap out of it and calm the fuck down - but I will definitely NOT do this. I didn't delete my other account - I own that shit, I'm not scared of her or sending the links to others. I am myself and believe what I believe - fuck them if they don't agree or think I'm a monster. I'm trying to eat, but have dropped 1.5 lbs since Saturday. Lifts suffering. I'm seeing my therapist tonight.
I was going to start cleaning out the house of any junk - but then realized this could be looked negatively if I threw out something she wanted.
Seeing a lawyer tomorrow and I expect this to get messy quickly. I am prepared. I am still wearing my wedding ring - I'm not sure why...
I do not think I would continue this relationship even if she came back and fully apologized. Not saying it wouldn't happen, but she'd have to earn this back in some pretty significant ways.
Iammrp2 5y ago
Looking at your post history it looks like you've done a year long Rambo
You've failed to make a safe space for her to be vulnerable. Your job was to be the immovable oak. Something she could rely on and rest in. It sounds like your first year of mrp has been like a teenager rebelling against mommy, learning how to be your own man but still unable to be the type of man that attracts women. Athol says to be "a nice guy with a hard edge". I think he has that backwards. You have to have a red core with beta sprinkled on top. From your abundance you can meet all of her needs. Emotional, sexual. But deep down you know it's a game. You're OI and honestly give zero fucks. You don't put up with any manipulation. You set boundaries and don't put up with bullshit. But when she is a good girl your rewards are endless. This is what you have missed. You have offered her no comfort and have failed to fix her feelz. All she knows is you've turned into an asshole and she has undeniable proof that you're the bad guy. She can walk away without any guilt. And think to herself "he wasn't meeting any of my needs anyway." She won't forget. Any of this. She has it locked away in her long term memory. You helped her kill the puppy.
Use this time to really learn how to give zero fucks. Get out there and start spinning plates.
Now it's time to follow through.
That last quote... She gives you a comfort test and you overtly state that if she doesn't meet your needs you'll fuck other chicks.
In this OYS you reply to /u/weakandsensitive that you're not ready to fuck tinderellas yet. So you not only failed your wife's comfort test but you lied to her. Let that sink in.
This is where the red core with a little beta sprinkled on top comes into play. You need to be able (fit) and ready (mentally) to fuck other chicks but you let that attitude naturally shine through covertly. You can reply "oh no baby. You're the only one for me." With a smile that she knows is bullshit. Let her hamster do the work. Don't go in there and flick it trying to get it to run. Dread is covert. The fact that you overtly say those things is proof you don't actually believe them.
I think at this point your marriage is nuked and you need to accept that. Continue your MAP. Surely it did t revolve around her. Did it?
[deleted] 5y ago
You may be right. It doesn’t fucking matter. I’m not going to over analyze the last few years of our marriage. It is what it is.
My MAP stopped revolving around her six months ago.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Sounds like you're butthurt and reactive.
What I don't see on your plan is "* Finding some Tinderellas."
You own that shit so much you made a new username. Fuck man. If you're going to lie to yourself, at least lie to yourself about something useful.
I've told other guys this -- "Why are you surprised?" Because obviously she was, writing "bitch" and "cheat". So why is any of this a surprise?
I should also ban you under Rule 9.
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
I agree you should (have) banned him under rule 9. Likely no point now.
I don't understand the benefit of proactively associating "before" and "after" - clearly she'll be devouring everything like a madwoman.
[deleted] 5y ago
Not butthurt. Not reactive either. I have the plan.
This isn't on the immediate plan until physical separation occurs and agreement in place. Until then, this is negatively looked on in this state.
This is fair. The main reason is if there is talk regarding divorce strategy. I'd like to keep that away from her if at all possible. The other solution would be just not to delve into the details and go back to my other username. I'll think on this one.
I'm not. I could have predicted 90% of that list.
Fair - I read that after I was done posting the OYS. This will not happen again.
Edited: format
weakandsensitive 5y ago
I would bet you money you are butthurt and reactive right now. Any plan you have is inherently in response to her up and leaving...
What exactly do you think she needs to apologize for? That she left? The lack of clarity in your intent is palatable in how you're presenting the situation. You are reacting based on your presumptions about her actions. That's not a plan.
Here is a plan --
"If you take away the kids and leave, in our divorce, I will fuck you 10 ways to Sunday and guarantee that this will be the most hostile process you have ever been through."
Not "oh well if she comes back and apologizes maybe it'll be keewwl."
I just think you should've known right at the point of the threat, what the conditions of continuing the relationship were, defined them very clearly, and executed on it immediately. E.g. "I don't care that you are emotional. I want you to think clearly and carefully. These are the two choices I am giving you and here's how they are going to work...."
This was not meant for you. This was meant for you to say to your wife. Why is your wife surprised? If you are truly owning your shit, and value the trust in your relationship, the fact that you fucked should never be a surprise.
[deleted] 5y ago
I see your point on being reactive. Thank you.
“Why are you surprised”
I did tell her this: “What did you expect? I told you I wasn’t happy with the way this relationship was going”.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Not.. "What did you expect?" because that frames it as her expectations of you.
"Why are you surprised?" because that forces her to take ownership of her own false presumptions.
The phrasing is indicative of the frame. The first sentence lets her judge you. The second sentence remove her ability to judge you and forces her to judge herself.
"What did you expect?" "I expected you to be a good husband." "You knew I wasn't happy." (Note how this response doesn't actually matter to her expectations. Her expectations are indifferent of you.)
"Why are you surprised?" "I expected you to be a good husband." "You knew I wasn't happy." (Note how this directly addresses her own flawed rational. Her expectations were wrong in light of the information she knew - so her being surprised has more to do with her, and very little to do with you.)
Frame is the essence of "bitch you don't get to judge me".
[deleted] 5y ago
It may not have been perfectly executed but this was my core thought - nothing I am doing is wrong and her opinion is irrelevant. I wasn't lying when I posted what I want out of life - and her thinking that is wrong is simply her opinion.
You've rightly pointed out there's things I could have done differently, but overall feel good about how I handled it.
Making divorce hell for her is not my intent either; I'm definitely not setting an ultimatum of "you do this or I'll be petty and make divorce worse for you". I honestly do wish her the best and hopes she finds whatever she is seeking. The only anger I have is the way she talks to me to the kids. But long-term this will likely hurt her in divorce. There's nothing I can do until getting the legal side setup or I potentially hurt my divorce case. The goal now is to maximize custody and minimize alimony.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
If I were getting divorced, I would frame it as giving my wife a choice. I would say how we go through this divorce is up to you. If you want to be amicable more than happy to do that. If you want to be hostile I can guarantee you I win.
I would never go into a contentious situation with a fixed plan orfixed expectation. It is a losing proposition and I don't like to lose.
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
You presumably would say that after not getting doxed x 2.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
My wife is well aware of MRP and my username. She knows she'd rather not know. I try to show her some of the worst posters and she just rolls her eyes.
MillionaireSexbomb 5y ago
OYS #3
Stats Age: 25, 6’1”, 215 pounds, 14/15% BF eyeball test. No children, LTR for a little over two years (lives with me.) Lifts: Bench 1x160 on DB, have not benched with a bar in a while. Squat: 385x3 Deadlift: 445x1 Conventional Back row: 285 OHP: 215 (Do not do this very often) Lifts are all regression from ATB.
Reading: Atomic Habits, NMMNG, How to Win Friends, Hagakure, Way of the Superior Man X 2, The Unchained Man, MAP, Models, 7 Habits, 12 Rules of Life, tons of sales books, tons of TRP, years of vintage CH. SGM x2, Book of Pook. Psycho-Cybernetics x 2, absolutely love this book, next is WISNIFG.
Fitness: Been improving on this further. Did cardio in the morning 3 out of the 5 business days, in addition to lifting 3 out of the five week days. Traveled this weekend so did not lift, only real physical exertion was sex. Kept diet good and tracked in My Macros, physical changes are speeding up, waking up at a consistent time is helping with appetite and constant mindfulness of what I’m putting in my body and if it aligns with my goals or not is helping with any snacking here or there that doesn’t fit with what I’m doing and once I’m out for the day, that’s it. The focus has given me a little extra energy and drive this week due to the working towards a goal that I know is worth more to me than any short-term food would ever give me. I’ve been applying this mindset to all other facets of my life as well. I've been leaning out further but will taking a further step with weight tracking every day to get a weekly moving average and adjust from there.
Frame: My frame is still improving and I generally keep a positive frame all day, but I’ve allowed problems with my career to derail my mood that day even though feeling that way served no real purpose and only hindered my performance further. For example, my boss called and vented a little about the perceived scarcity of leads in our territory as opposed to others in the company who have been very successful lately, and that combined with other recent negative misgivings I’ve had about it derailed me for most of the day, which didn’t further my goals at any point at all, and instead of being proactive and taking the time to reset, I let it fester for a couple of hours until I finally regained my positivity. My frame with my girlfriend involved improved this week as well, but man it’s such an eye opener from how I handled shit tests when we first met to now, as I realized just how complacent I’ve gotten in a lot of areas and why I’m more frustrated and why she gets frustrated as well. Everyday I pull back a little more to see just how far I’ve sunk, which sucks, but it’s also a chance to rebuild and be better than before, so I’m not going to complain about it. Read a few more articles on frame and will be actively practicing these exercises within every night for the next 28 days to not only build the habit but spend a focused amount of time building the exact frame that I want to carry in all the things that I do.
Career: Nothing much changed in the last week, I’m set clear definite goals for myself and figured out what I need to do to attain them and put the work in last week to put together the foundation and clear the negative cobwebs out. I took stock of what I did wrong, what I did right, reflected on what was outside of my control and what was me being a massive pussy and gained new focus. This is easily the hardest job I’ve ever had in my short career and I’m either going to grit it through and succeed through sheer force of will and exertion or have it not work out, but I won’t let the not working out occur because of a lack of effort, focus or drive.
Finance: Making more progress with YNAB but think I need to start from scratch. Have a weird perception right now of what my goals are with my money and just saving it isn’t going to help me much, so I need to figure out the what with the money since I know the why, which is financial independence. Will it be used for charity, world travel, side projects? Will be journaling on this this upcoming week for more clarity.
Social/Hobbies: Wasn’t very social this week, went out of town for the weekend with my girlfriend and had a great time. Just relaxed at the beach, but outside of work and chatting with friends on the phone, did nothing to advance this physically outside of deliberating on what I want to fit in my life. My end result was trying something new every week for the foreseeable future to see what actually interests me, what challenges me and what can help me live on my edge. This includes getting back into MMA, trying out more music production, attending art classes, etc. So I will be picking one thing at the beginning of each week and making sure I perform said activity and evaluate it.
Relationship: Took a few steps forward this week in terms of covert contracts and stepping outside of my girlfriend’s frame and not letting her emotional turmoil affect my state, and realizing there will be times she will need to get over it and times I need to address an actual issue without apologizing or addressing the concern itself sometimes. I would say my relationship leadership still sucks ass but I’m becoming a lot more aware of the dynamic in the LTR process. I’m not ready to begin providing direction yet, and will continue unfucking my shit and sorting my direction before I start incorporating her if this is going to continue at all. I do want and choose her to be in my life and enjoy what we have together, so I’m going to push this route and see what happens before I decide to end it or not if it no longer aligns with my vision (which needs to be created).
Mission: Working further on this. Tripped mushrooms this week and it helped me sort a few things out in terms of dissonance I was feeling, failure and other limiting beliefs and helped me boil down in to the why of what I am doing and if it’s really worth it. I’m taking this self-awareness and moving it along with further dedication to my fitness and career goals and the effort I put into those along with adding new, fun and challenging things I will be doing every week with and without my girlfriend to see what puts me just past my edge in terms of growth. I know it won’t come to me unless I put myself in a vulnerable position and one where I break my comfort zone and allow myself to expand, so to speak, so that’s going to continue for the foreseeable future until I settle on a few I find fit what I want to do and build from there.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Age: 36, Height: 5' 7", Weight: 145lbs, Fat: 16%
Diet Mode: Bulking
Gained so far: 5lbs
Target: 160lbs
Left to Gain: 15lbs
SQUAT: 240lbs, BENCH:160lbs, PRESS: 110lbs, DEADLIFT: 255lbs
Physical
No gains on lifts this week, but weight is going up. Calories and macros on target. Pushing for PR's next week. Wendler 531 BBB.
Mission
Sideline growing, starting up another website next month so I have multiple revenue streams. Was impatient about SEO ranking but just got to focus on quality and be patient.
Family
I have been putting up with less shit from the kids, one warning then time out. Winning to a degree, spending time with them being the fun dad. I did not lose my shit and shout (weak) I seem to be the go-to man now for discipline (wife can't be bothered)
Relationship
It's dead, I need to just admit that and divorce her in my mind. Can't win them all I accept this is fucked I'm done trying. I withdrew comfort completely I will admit this was hard for me but I basically sat on my hands and STFU for the whole week. This was a big sticking point for me. and im glad I did it. I uncomfortably realised im just a dancing monkey. I need to plan my exit as it's going to be tricky. I am going to nuke a comfort test this week I am too nice all things considered i have little to lose. Finding chad would be like striking gold right now.
Game / Social
Booking so im out socially two times a week, got tickets for two metal concerts in January (5 finger death punch and slipknot). Approaching women isn't a problem for me, I walk the dog a lot and always use it as an opportunity to chat with everyone. There is a woman I have my eye on and im going to ask for her number. Got to think about me and build abundance. What's the best book to game women? I don't care I will bang a fatty and level up.
Persaeus 5y ago
it's all good except this
stop fantasizing about other people solving your problems. chad has no interest in your fat boring poor wife.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Chad is such a wanker, I will chuck him a fiver to sweeten the deal ;)
johneyapocalypse 5y ago
Good.
Better.
Best.
Don't think of the time you wasted getting to this point, but instead, think of the time you will stop wasting by becoming the decisive man, the leader, you were always meant to be.
[deleted] 5y ago
“Don't think of the time you wasted getting to this point, but instead, think of the time you will stop wasting by becoming the decisive man, the leader, you were always meant to be.”
This 100%. This is exactly the thought process when I have entered a dark place this week. The future is going to be great. And you can’t change the past.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
So I went back to August in your OYS to figure out why your relationship is "dead". And I saw just last week you are starting to initiate every day. How's that work out by the way? Let's be clear here...you are not that much a catch, nor your wife got her shit that much together, that your 1000ft rope is 1 week long.
Your wife is kinda fat. Got it. She struggles with the iniative to improve. Yup, we all do. Because to make the decision to improve, she has to wake up every morning and tell herself "im not good enough". And right now her mind is sucking on the idea that maybe you think she is good enough...and she doesn't have to change. You need to make it clear that that's not the case. But not by saying "Babe you're fucking fat. Stop being a fatass." No. Instead you have to plant those ideas in there like some inception level shit, and support her drive to execute them.
Then I found this. Tell me, do you think doing all this shit for her when she's unable, or in pain, is helping her? Or is it enabling her. There's a speech I listen to by Les Brown where he says:
people are hiding from "the pain of rejection, the pain of defeat, the pain, the pain, the pain THAT'S CALLED LIFE. Life is full of pain. Its everywhere. You can hide under here and it'll come where you are. Victor Frankl calls it unavoidable suffering. You can't duck it."
Your wife is doing everything to hide from her pain. And you're enabling it.
Now I'm not saying go cold turkey. But you need to start allowing her to experience pain. And deal with that pain on her own. Because you know what happens to
womenpeople when they aren't allowed to experience pain? They get grumpy. They get angry. And that's why immediately next in your OYS you talk about how she starts bitching at you. Let her tackle problems herself. Just be there for back up. Don't be a helicopter husband.
Now, you've already decided it's over. And I'm not here to snuff that fire. Because that's some serious fire. So go do that. Talk to lawyers, strategize, whatever you need to do behind the scenes to prep. But there is a huge similarity to you pulling away completely, and you discontinuing to jump in front of bullets for her. The difference is, pulling away completely leaves her with no guidance, no support, and no willpower for the task of improving.
I'm trying to get you to hedge your bet here. Go do the divorce prep. But don't overshoot your level of pulling away. Because if she decides to get off her fatass and change, and you aren't there, then she will fail. Guaranteed. But if any part of you still wants this to work...then throwing a little more into the pit of sunk cost isn't going to kill you.
Walk your path, don't slow down. But don't stone wall her if she decides to catch up.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
I wanted to step back and thank you. Yes I was enabling her and I was providing so much comfort that she didnt want to change. I stopped, I stepped back and gave her space to step up. Yeah it was hard but she is owning her pain has owned responsibility to get it fixed. The wife is in a better place physically all because I "did less" and gave space. When she did ask for support i was there to back her up. The wife still struggles with depression and my next step is to see if i can get her to own this and start getting the help she needs. Im doing this not by countering her negativity wth positivity (didnt work) but openly making her aware of the negativity. "Wow that souned negative!" or "you sound down" and giving her space to reply. Im not fixing her but at the same time not glossing over it. Having day to day conversations is challenging but im not taking it personally. My next step is to manage negativity directed towards me by being assertive with shitty / nasty comments because I have been AA STFU or Fog these and it dosent work. I think a more direct bolder approach is needed. I liked man in the worlds... "ouch that wasnt called for, im sure this isnt the person you want to be portrayed to be"
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
No problem man. Love the progress. Great work.
so_woke_da_wookie 5y ago
Brilliant. This captures my methodology so well. I related to my wife as "a dude with tits" as u/Persaeus put it. Under this narrative i tried to motivate her pain and have enable her. The word picture will stick with me.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Thank you, it's easy for me to get caught up in black and white thinking and behaviour. It cant be all one way or the other. For my own sanity I needed to kill the comfort seeking beta within me, the fixer, the caretaker needs to die. He needs to be replaced with something not an arsehole but not a nice guy. I openly admit I dont know what this is yet but people know where to find me if they want me. They have never needed to ask for my help before (it was always given). People need to learn to start asking for help if they need it from me.
Maximus_Valerius 5y ago
Good work. Keep it up and break that need for validation.
It feels good when you get that urge to seek validation, recognize it, and can control it. It feels great when you realize you’ve gone several weeks without even thinking about seeking it.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Thanks, this will be the new normal now.
Iammrp2 5y ago
If it's dead why not divorce her IRL?
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Strategic... she isnt well. I need her back at work
Iammrp2 5y ago
You need her to take care of you? Lmao
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
No, I have to pay less alimony. Sick pay ends soon so its inevitable.
Iammrp2 5y ago
Gotcha. I don't know how the divorce laws work (yet lol). I would imagine it would be based on w2 and not if she's been working the last 2 weeks. Good luck.
FoxShitNasty83 5y ago
Its like 1940 here and I intend to find out the damage and mitigate where I can.
Perfectinmyeyes 5y ago
OYS #3 - My wife kicking me out of our bed is one of the best things that could of happened to me.
Background - In my first 2 OYS's 2 people made comments how my actionable plans were not good enough, subpar, crap ... I agreed.
I don't want to Do things I want to Be things. This isn't about getting things done its about being That.
In my relationship; things have been 'hitting the fan' recently. Outbursts of pure rage coming from my wife. Started a few months ago but has been sprinkled throughout our relationship; especially when financial times were tough.
This sunday was a normal day until it wasn't, my wife went from 'normal' to raging. Kicking me out of our bed and telling me she is thinking about leaving me. My wife's 'dissatisfaction' usually revolves around how much money I bring in; she makes more money and we make a modest income between the 2 of us.
During the last 2 days I DEERED, I tried to reason with her, I figured out why she raged and holds it all in ... until she doesn't. I spoke about how she needed to communicate with me and this was of utmost importance ...
I told her I have not been taking care of my family financially, which includes my wife and son.
I told her all this and more the past 2 days.
​
... And then it hit me.
I 'penned' a letter to her that I sent.
This is it -
​
"Ive been thinking about something this morning. And the issues that we have right now has to do with 2 things:
1. My failure to take responsibility for my finances which Directly relates to Our finances.
2. AND lack of communication.
No scratch that, it has to do with 1 thing. (I will get to this)
You have been right there have been signs of disharmony in our relationship:
1. Negative things that have been said.
2. Lack of closeness
3. Lack of physical intimacy
4. Lack of respect and care
5. And the biggest one of All... Lack of... I want a relationship where either of us would step in the fire for the other person, one where we would take on the world together, that we Always stand by each other when it comes to the world or us. The relationship that I/we Dream about.
The one thing our 'current' issue has to do with is Me. And...
I take responsibility for ALL of it. If I want a relationship the way I describe I should of created it. If I want to be with a partner that will walk in the fire for me and me her I should of created this. If I want to stand hand n hand with my partner no matter what the world throws at us I should of created it. And if I wanted the relationship I dream of I should of created it.
If I want us to have respect for each other, love and care, closeness and physical intimacy I should of created it.
And if I wanted to be able to look in the mirror in regards to my work ... I should of created it.
And if I wanted to take care of my family, my wife and my son. Financially and other, I should of created it.
It is not enough for me to dream about the things I/we could have. Or to have my wife feel such resentment toward me. This will not do.
Or have a relationship that is subpar.
Or have us not communicate...
I take Responsibility for it ALL. Our communication, lack of intimacy, my=our lack of funds, our sex life, our sons autism...
Everything that is in my life.
And the 2 things that are most important in my life are YOU and our Son.
You asked me if I heard you, heard you about our issues.
I heard EVERYTHING. Everything in my life that has meaning I take responsibility/ownership for.
Everything."
​
There are somethings I did not include in the letter.
I also take responsibility/ownership for:
1. My wife's drinking
2. Verbal abuse in our relationship
​
So to answer those 2 people whom said my actionable plan was not good enough. Thank you.
Because I take responsibility and ownership for EVERYTHING in my life that has meaning.
Everything.
tspitsatgp 5y ago
Aww that’s a sweet letter. Could have written it myself. Shit, I did write it myself 3 or 4 times before I found this place. At the time I couldn’t understand why it didn’t change anything.
But I do now.
It’s just words (and that doesn’t work, especially after the honeymoon period, long after you have shown her what a loser you are).
Great, you’ve had a big revelation - you can now see where you fucked up. It doesn’t change anything. Actions are the only thing that matters.
So STFU and get to work being a man of value.
Perfectinmyeyes 5y ago
I actually wrote 2 letters to her, well emails. But I will be honest, they were mainly for Me.
I saw how I failed as a man, and I want to be held accountable. So who better to hold me accountable then my ball busting wife. Not me, not a mens chat group, not my friends that I don't see much of... But my wife that will surely roast me.
My wife really didn't appreciate anything in the letters even thou, they were my soul and its new purpose written down. And I'm totally serious about that part.
I didn't write the letters because I need something from my wife... They needed to be written and incase I forget what my Map is I will know.
My second letter was all about finances and owning up to my part for the pain I caused my wife and what I will do.
And your right she didn't appreciate anything in that letter just wants to see action.
That's why imo the letter had to be written because I'm burning the old me... Bury head in the sand mentality to my business and bringing in the new.
But ya next time I'll probably save on the 'paper' and just Do.
tspitsatgp 5y ago
Yep, no sense sending it to her as you have found. But a lot sense writing them to yourself to help establish your MAP.
Also, it’s not her job to hold you to account. She’s not your Mom. It’s unattractive behavior.
[deleted] 5y ago
First of all. How does she kick you out of YOUR bed? You sleep there. If she chooses not to that’s on her.
What’s the pen a letter bullshit? She needs to see you fix shit and you’re telling her shit she doesn’t care or is going to believe. This is poorly worded, makes you sound needy and the time for something even close to that is after a main event. And if you really wanted to say that (you shouldn’t have btw), why are you hiding behind a penned letter versus a face to face conversation?
What part of STFU is difficult here?
I still don’t see an actionable plan here.
sea-tease 5y ago
What are you going to DO?
Cloudy_Pirate 5y ago
You become by doing. Saying you want to be a billionaire is useless. You get there by doing shit and making money. Saying that you take responsibility and ownership for EVERYTHING is useless. It's like acknowledging that water is wet.
Here are some suggestions:
Stop playing video games. Stop gambling. Stop writing your wife letters.
Make a plan to increase your income and start executing it.
Make a plan to manage your money and start executing it.
Perfectinmyeyes 5y ago
"Here are some suggestions:
Stop playing video games. Stop gambling. Stop writing your wife letters.
Make a plan to increase your income and start executing it.
Make a plan to manage your money and start executing it."
Ok.
Perfectinmyeyes 5y ago
I figured out what I need to do.
I have a good past example...
In my past I changed something that was really tough/ingrained/something I previously thought wasn't possible... Then it was, by becoming obsessed about it. Really obsessed, stop at nothing type.
I need to do this with those 2 things you mentioned.
Increase my income and manage my money.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
Maximus_Valerius 5y ago
What do all of these statements have in common?
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
Maximus_Valerius 5y ago
All those statements struck me as excuses or examples of how you are a victim of your circumstances, because you made no attempt to describe how you intend to address them.
What concrete actions are you going to take to address those things you can control?
For example, can you work with your sons on their homework? Or can you have them work with a tutor (free or paid)? Have you talked with their teachers about their issues and potential resources to help them?
Your wife may not be the best person to help them with their homework, and I’m sure they can pick up on her emotional state. Good opportunity for you to take the initiative and lead.
My suggestion is to reframe these statements as challenges in a way that shows how you intend to tackle them.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
Maximus_Valerius 5y ago
Good. You can map that approach to all the other shit you need to own. One of the benefits of writing your shit out and reframing it.
Jupi_ter 5y ago
36YO, wife 38YO, 1 kid (4). Married 6 years, together 10.
5x5: SQ 220, DL 215 BP 140, OHP 100, ROW 110
Height: 6’2’ - weight: 189 pounds
RP Over a year
Fitness
Back at the gym after one+ week absence, de-loaded, working up again.
My primary focus is dropping fat. I’ve started intermittent fasting 16/8 and I really like it. It also makes meal planning that much simpler.
Thai boxing continues and is too much fun.
Relationship
No sex and very little initiation. Initiation, when the attraction is not there, is simply counterproductive, so I’ve stopped it cold, it’s been two weeks. I’ll kino, and when wife gets warm and cuddly sometimes I go for it, but she systematically withdraws. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, probably because of: see below.
I’ve started to spin plates lightly, this has been building up over some time and now I’m comfortable with it. I’m not going for F close, just dating, hanging out. Couple of different girls. That highlights how there is simply no game/flirt with my wife. Spinning also massively reduces my interest in my wife.
I’m listening to pick-up tutorials on youtube, I read bang and day-bang, but I’m finding youtube a much better resource. We talk about AA and AM and frame a lot here, but when I look at how I interpreted that stuff in the context of my marriage, versus how it’s done right, I was absolutely out of tune, I never managed to make it work well.
Practicing with other girls is obviously that much easier, but also makes it simpler to see what I can change at home. Game also takes me away from the “takes two to tango” mindset. Game takes one and one only, the other may respond, but your decision to flirt is yours, and I’ve really not flirted with my wife for way too many years.
One obstacle in flirting with wife is that for our level of attraction, there are too many dead hours together. It’s actually not that many in practice, we both work, but those evenings of just being there, really don’t help. Time to be busy. My DL 4 was always poor. Time to shape it up.
This week fitness Goals
By next OYS I will weight 188 pounds
All lifts will be up 10 to 15 pounds
GoingOnAJourney 5y ago
OYS 8
Stats: Age 42, 6’1”, 165lb. Wife 44, married 9 years, 2 kids age 6 & 2.
Sidebar
NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, TRM, MAP, Poon, Pook, RP Sidebar, Manipulated Man, TWOTSM x2, SGM x2, SALSM, 48 Laws (50%), MRP top posts, The Naked Mind, Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck, Divorce guide, Models
Reading: Extreme Ownership
Physical/Health
Squat: 125 DL: 185 Bench: 85 Row: 95
Second session with PT went well. Learned Barbell Row for the first time, and nailed down bench form. Running two minor injuries from BJJ, one neck/shoulder tweak, and one lower back to the right of my spine. Thought they’d have cleared up by now, and while sore they aren’t totally debilitating.
Kept up with my 3000 calories 5/7 days, and hit 160g protein 4/7 days. Wasn’t too far away on the misses. Gained 1lb this week.
More sickness in the household. Missed BJJ this week, just passed out in bed that night. I remember I used to fucking love being sick - a good excuse to lie around getting my video games and boxsets on. Now it’s simply fucking frustrating. Still cooked, read, and played with my kids. Zero games/films/TV. Heading to the gym tonight. Will deload squat as I couldn’t do my reps @130lb on Sunday, which was when the bug kicked in. Don’t want to further fuck my back.
Pushing back filling the Testosterone vials for yet another week.
Goals:
Continue SL 5x5 lifts. Three times a week until Christmas. No exceptions. Consume 3000 calories and 160g protein daily.
Career
Working out my notice. Investigation ongoing following depositions. Close to my exit date now. Ecstatic. This career move is significant mentally, closing one dilapidated chapter of my life while opening a new one full of possibilities.
Kids
“What do I want?” is a regular question here. I’ve worked out that I want my kids to respond to any request that I make the first time of asking. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I’ve been more authoritarian with my kids. I’m not sure if that is strictly true; my parenting style is authoritative, but I have been setting clearer boundaries/expectations accompanied by explanations. I have zero qualms about displaying affection and cuddles with my kids, at home or in public. I encourage two way communication with them (the eldest really, although the youngest does communicate with his own idiom, i.e. throwing himself to the floor in displeasure) and yet I’m now reconstructing our relationship so that they understand there’s a time and a place when they can be crazy kids (much of the time), and times when they can’t (specifically first thing in the morning and bedtime). Instilling a sense of calm first and last thing has done wonders for the household. Spotted some good parenting comments on a previous thread, and I’ve adopted the one-chance rule with my youngest to good success. That, along with ignoring his tantrums most of the time, has really got things back on track.
Goals: Keep calm when dealing with my youngest. Do not display negative emotion. Continue making time for my eldest.
Habits
Stopping e-cig plan in progress, am vaping lowest strength other than 0mg now. Failed the nail biting goal. Used the liquid for a few days, then just stopped applying it. Reset, getting back on it.
Goals:
Discard e-cig as per the plan. Use the fucking nail liquid.
Social
Have been actively striking up conversations with people this week. Whenever the choice has been to say hello or not, I’ve deliberately made the effort. Just getting back into practise of being a social Man.
Met a couple of friends this week. Good conversations that have helped sort out my headspace. It really is important to chat at the Captains table.
Frame/Mission
Something is changing internally. I’ve been looking to the future in all aspects, figuring out “What do I want?” And I know. Some of it is obvious: Never rest improving myself as a Man, physically, mentally, spiritually. Provide for and protect my family. There is more, personal to me. This is the basis of my mission.
Goals:
Pen my Mission.
Relationship/Sex
My wife and I have been distant roommates this week following her inability to handle my doing what I want following yet another meltdown after I arranged a meetup with a friend. My mindset has been a little up and down, and yet there is an iron determination within myself to see this through. Initiated once, a soft no became a hard no once I got her naked. Straddled her, waved my cock in her face and received a decidedly unenthusiastic BJ. Still, I wanted to nut and I did.
I am far more disconnected to my wife and her emotions. We had yet another ‘chat’ last night, but this one was different. Absolute zero fear at my end. DNGAF. After the conversation ended she went for a shower. After the total lack of emotional connection all week, I did what any Man would: joined her. Was met with an intense look of disdain, so adopted a crazy french accent. Some pleasurable all-over body rubbing later we retired for some very emotional sex. Thinking back I have no idea when or why we stopped showering together. Actually, that’s horseshit, the reason is I got lazy. Sure, we have kids, but that’s no fucking excuse.
It’s my fault our marriage has become stale. It’s my responsibility to add some spice back into the mix. She commented the following morning how much fun she had in the shower. Shit like this, along with the babysitter I’ve sorted, will lead her back to femininity. And if it doesn’t, fuck it. The stay plan is the go plan. I have plenty of time, so no knee-jerk reactions at this point. Stay the course. Keep improving.
[deleted] 5y ago
Dude. Just don’t fuck the babysitter.
GoingOnAJourney 5y ago
But but but she's young and hot!
More seriously, if I ever decide to fuck strange I'll keep it well away from home.
nupriority 5y ago
OYS #3
Background
Age 29, Height 6', Weight 209lbs, BF fat Lifts: Squat 50, BP 45, OHP 45, BR 65, DL 95 LTR ~4 years
Physical
Started lifting over the Summer with a friend, following whatever they did. Decided this week to get on a firm program (SL 5x5). BJJ three times per week and sometimes lifting extra after class as a finisher. Started playing a rec sport with friends as well. Weight is dropping, muscle definition is improving, and conditioning is getting better. Asthma is improving as a result of all of this.
Diet is KISS. IF, eat mostly real and unprocessed food, reduce carbs, increase protein/vegetables/healthy fats, and stop eating when I'm full. It's not rocket science. I'm losing about 1-2lbs per week and have good energy for workouts.
Sleep is garbage, but I am working on making improvements (reduced caffeine, set schedule, less electronics, darker room, etc.). Goal by the end of this month is to be at 205 lbs or lighter and to keep lifting and attending BJJ.
Career
Work is going well. Taking on more responsibilities to improve my skill set and help the team. I am still slacking in some areas. To fix this I am scheduling my days better and working from home less. Biggest complaint about my work life is that while I take on more responsibilities, it's because I get asked to do something and I say yes, rather than seeking out side projects and taking on more work on my own. I genuinely enjoy what I am doing, but I am going to be more proactive about seeking out more to do instead of waiting for it to be offered.
Finances
Savings are good, but I am still spending too much money on video games and take out lunches while at work. This week I am going to rework my budget and get back to meal prepping. I don't need to continue buying video games just to have them.
Relationship
Relationship with my girlfriend is good. I am still unsure of what I want for a future life, but I am working on finding that out. I had a talk with her a while back about possibly wanting a family while knowing she does not want that in life. For the time being, we are happy together and doing well. I am owning my shit more and worrying less about what she does or doesn't do. My goal for this relationship at the moment is to unfuck myself and improve; the stay plan is the go plan. I also am trying to focus on myself, and less about trying to solve her problems. I need to leave her be to figure things out herself, and just take note of what I like/don't like. If I eventually go, I will leave her better than how I found her and this will have been good training for any future relationships. However, I'm finding it harder and harder to justify getting married and not have kids, so I'm leaning towards this will end eventually.
Sex life is fine aside from no action the past two weeks due to health problems. In the meantime, I'm still gaming her and making her feel sexy and wanted since she was feeling self conscious from us not having sex for a bit. I think by this weekend we will be back to normal.
Reading
Finished: NMMNG, WISNIFG, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Rational Male Year One, Sixteen Commandments of Poon Reading: Subtle Art of NGAF Next: MMSLP or MAP
Social
Been hanging out with coworkers more after work, doing more BJJ, and starting a rec sport with some friends. Doing more overall rather than being a homebody with the girlfriend. Went to a wedding recently where I didn't know a lot of people and realized how fucked I am with being scared in social interactions. I will come up with a plan this week on talking to more strangers day to day and approaching people. I tend to think I have nothing to offer and people don't want to talk to me. It's toxic and draining and I'm only making myself feel down and lonely with no evidence to support it. Working on it.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
If there's already a compatibility issue with family, why you wasting time with her?
nupriority 5y ago
Fear of ending it and having it be the wrong move. Although I have my criticisms of her, we get along pretty well and I keep thinking if I own my shit and lead the relationship, she may make enough improvements for me to not care about having a family and keep her instead. I'm like 60/40 (kids/no kids).
We live together so I figure give it a few months while I work on myself and make a decision early next year. Meanwhile I'm fighting off talks of marriage (due to recent friends getting married) and getting a dog.
Tl;dr: Because I'm a bitch.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
nupriority 5y ago
This was absolutely me at the beginning of the relationship where all I wanted to do was seem as compatible as possible. As I'm waking up out of the daze over the years, I'm realizing that I convinced myself I was just agreeing to seem attractive. I'm not in the clear yet, but for any future relationships I will at least know where I stand here.
Luckily I'm not like that. I play out of boredom, not a feeling of necessity. But I hear you, I need to fill up my time with more productive things.
I don't want to make it seem like I'm a yes-man at work and miserable. Everything I've been asked to take on I wanted to do, but my superiors made the move and asked me before I approached them. For future things, I could miss out on an opportunity to someone else by being passive. So I'm trying to be more proactive and get what I want, not wait for it.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
So you'll give up kids for pussy.
[deleted] 5y ago
This about sums it up. You want kids? Great. Kids are fucking awesome. Don’t want kids? Don’t have them. It’s really as simple as that.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
My mother used to always tell my absentee father to heed the words of Cat's in the Cradle. I learned the lyrics well and early. I recall them whenever I doubt my own decisions as a father.
My son and I have been spending more quality time together; generally in the gym, but occasionally elsewhere. Sometimes I will put him off to do something else. Most recently, he wanted to play catch after my workout Friday. I told him we would. When I got home, I didn't follow up. Nor did he. I remembered. I chose to relax.
There have been plenty of times I would tell him we would do something but not follow up. I've tried to get better at this and figure out why I do it in the first place.
Yesterday, he broke plans with me to hang out with his girlfriend. This was the second time within a week.
I've not been unaware of this issue. I've made attempts to address it. Admittedly, the attempts may generally be weak and sparse. As I've been able to get some things under control this is one area that could see considerable improvement.
I'm not saying I should always be doing things with him. And, sometimes I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself.
The fucked up part is, I don't know why.
I constantly tell him his decisions are a reflection of his priorities. Where does he sit in my life? Not where he should, it would seem.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
Where do you sit in his. When he asks to play catch and you tell him 'later', you don't follow through. He asked. You said later. Ball is in your court bud. What do you expect him to do grovel for it later? He wants you to bring it up to show you care.
And then he sees you are unreliable to follow through, so his plans with you take 2nd place to a more reliable source...his gf. Fancy that...a gf being more reliable than a father.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
You're absolutely right, and I get it. I just don't know why I'm doing it.
I don't now why when I got back from the gym and he's playing Xbox I didn't say, "Hey, let's go play catch." I wasn't busy. I was already hot and sweaty. Was I tired? A little, sure. But I could've gone at least 30 minutes throwing to him.
When he bailed on me yesterday morning my initial reaction was to call him out. And I did. And then it completely dawned on me: I taught him that.
I just don't know why I did.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
the why doesn't matter. the end result is the same. you're eroding trust. if you can live with the consequence, fine. but don't do that shit, then get upset when he cancels on you. your promise to spend time was hollow in the first place.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
You commented to me something similar months ago I was having same issues with wife. I've done better with her, but not him. Fucked up. Needs to change.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
Do you find you have a penchant for instant gratification? Next time you make a decision, ask yourself if you're making the choice to reward yourself now, or reward yourself later.
Example: Lifting. Lifting sux in the now (the majority of the time) but feels great later.
Example: Playing catch. Playing catch takes time and effort in the now, but feels great for bonding later.
Example: Resting. Resting feels great in the now, but you tend to hate yourself later.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
No, if you define instant as expecting results within days or even weeks. I have no issues putting work into something that may takes years to see results as long as I believe in the system.
I think it may have something to do with a conversation wife and I recently had: I like structure. I crave it.
Sunday's through Fri afternoon I'm very disciplined because of this. Otherwise, who the fuck knows.
And he's not sitting around the house either; between his gf and school activities he's pretty busy himself. So, those rare moments we are together (in the same house) with nothing to do, it's me not pulling the trigger to say, let's do this or that. I have, and sometimes he says no, and that's fine. And we do work out together and do other things together.
The issue is I feel like it's not enough, especially knowing he's getting older. I don't want to say yes every time he asks me to do something. But I feel more often than not I'm saying no. And that I don't think I like.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
Would you not define keeping structure (that you crave) as instant gratification?
mrpalt1 5y ago
OYS #3
30, W 29, married 1 year. No kids.
Fitness
200 lbs, 13% BF Squat 275, Dead 285, Bench 205. BLS program. Working on bulk. Consistent in getting in the weight room. Basketball league started back up so getting in cardio now. Still enjoying alcohol, avoiding hangovers and junk food to keep the bulk clean as possible but could do better on the drinks.
WISNIFG, NMMNG,MMSLP, Pook, TWOTSM, just started SGM. started listening to Pook audio for refresher
SGM has been interesting to start. Keeping an open mind and paying attention to which skills I'm lacking...which is most of them from a position of confidence. I would say emotional has been the biggest.
MAP
Experience the present moment and shape a life that I genuinely enjoy. I will have strong relationships with worthwhile people, give without condition when I am able, and grow in financial stability. Health and wealth go hand in hand and are the building blocks to a life well lived.
General
Worked on organization this week. Took on a "do it now" mentality. Dishes on the counter..cleaned. Lawn mowed. Laundry done, folded and put away after it was done. No sitting on the drying rack for a week. Moving my house towards a model of "a place for everything and everything in it's place." My mindset throughout has been focused on me. My wife sparingly does my laundry unless specifically asked. It's always been this way. It would be nice if she would take care of it on auto pilot but she doesn't. She's also not my mother. For now I am handling any tasks as needed and creating a new habit in myself to be organized.
Reading
Read u/HornsofApathy 3 step guide on depressive wives. I can see parts of myself and my relationship in what he describes. Plan on rereading his posts a few times as there is a lot to take in.
Also read a comment from u/ibelieveican1982
this has been something I've always battled with and this comment is the truest explanation I have heard to date. Through my reading here I am better prepared to acknowledge my emotions of boredom, validation, comparison, etc and realize they are just thoughts, just fleeting emotions that don't deserve to be fapped off.
Relationship
Continued to compliment my wife when I felt appropriate. It seems to have some positive affect but it's more for my practice to do it from a place of abundance.
Had a good Saturday afternoon shopping for furniture and then met some friends to watch football. The entire day was light mood and a good time. Sunday I had plenty on my plate to get done around the house and we had plans to meet with friends in the afternoon. I turned down the offer to carve pumpkins with our niece and 5-6 other adults. I knew I had things I wanted to get done and that amount of attention on one kid is overload. I passed on going and wife went by herself. Normally I would allow her to derail my plans and go along but not this time and it felt good. We enjoyed our afternoon at our friends.
Shit Test
Enjoyed a shit test last night after my wife got home. We considered going camping for the weekend but borrowing the neighbors pop-up fell through so we agreed not to go. Since our schedule (specifically my schedule) is wide open I told my wife I might ask my parents to come down to visit instead. Her reaction was about as expected that it wouldn't work for it, she isn't prepared, it's too short of notice and I didn't ask her but was telling her. I had a pretty good laugh at all this and calmly replied that I might ask them to come visit, our schedule is open. I left it at that and went to sleep.
Had a good morning this morning and haven't heard a peep from her since.
On the one hand I did catch her slightly off guard. On the other hand she has nothing to prepare for as my parents are pretty go with the flow. I also have been handling all the household so as not to have to over prepare or scramble to host overnight guests. My parents live several hours away so I don't see them that often and would like to spend a free lowkey weekend with them. This is part of MAP enjoying worthwhile people.
While I want to include my wife in the decision out of a degree of respect there are no legitimate reasons for me not to invite my parents for the weekend. I plan on calmly letting her know my decision calmly after work.
SEX
I think we had sex 1 time this week. It was fairly vanilla. I have been pretty consumed with building more of a positive frame, maintaining my decisions, and gaming my wife without covert contracts.
I picked out emotion from SGM because my first 8 months of RP were fairly Rambo. In an effort to overcome my beta bux I swung the pendulum to the other side; being unemotional. I am working to find that middle ground of strength through emotion. This has been difficult as I try to stay away from covert contracts and expectations.
I do expect better sex from my wife. It is going to take time and I am working on creating that environment. I am willing to forgo starfish ego validation sex in order to develop a good frame, good game, and positive energy. I'm sure SGM will help with this.
so_woke_da_wookie 5y ago
OYS 5 Freaking Out, Finding Frame - The Rinse Repeat Cycle
Age: 42(m), 42(F)
Married: 14 years. 3 kids 12(m), 8(f), 5(f)
Height: 6', Weight: 183lbs, Fat: 17%
Diet Mode: Keto, Low Carb
SQUAT: 224lbs, BENCH:148lbs, PRESS: 99lbs, DEADLIFT: 210lbs, BARBELL ROW: 176lbs
Reading:
All MRP sidebar excluding RedPill Sidebar
Redpill:
Since October 2017 with a significant fuckarouditis after early wins.
This Week
It was my birthday and she put on a spread. I could see it vexed her to watch me receive. My kids made it such a fun time for me. That part was great. I watch myself being non-reactive to her mood. I watched how i wanted to let her know I saw her being bitchy but stopped myself. I remembered how deeply her demeanour would have affected me in the past. I can't describe how in her frame I was. I still am to a great degree. But I was the walking talking definition of co-dependent.
Within 3 days, she said we should call it quits. This is on the back of my budgeting and managing the finances. I could be way better. Previously, she would have a hissy fit and I would give in. Then I received a logistic email from her with a footnote of we can sort these budgetary issues out through mediation. Where I live there is no “1 and done” divorce. So there are mediation services which are kinda like divorce prep. The adrenaline pumped, my face tingled, I was scared. i went for a walk and then went back to work.
I let it go. As I woke on Sunday morning she asked could we discuss the mediation. These threats have been going on for years so the last time she threatened, I registered for the services. I didn’t tell her at the time because I wanted to see if there would be an improvements. When she asked this, I said were already registered just give them our address. She responded “Cool, let’s not let the kids know before Christmas and not upset them.” I said "Of course".
I am freaking out at times but less than I would before. I am remaining calmer. I’ve realise I can’t choose for her. I want to save her, us, the family but I am starting to accept that this is what it is.
I am seeing on how many counts I have have not OYSed in our life. When I see it, the beta waves of cringe are enormous. I think “if i’d only I'd...” done this this or done that. The attending rationalisations don’t last as long as they used to. I transform the feelings into work. Before , even recently, I would have been lost in them.
When i start working and i think of all the messing around i’ve done. Then the fog lifts. This is very small. Even laughable to others. But it is big to me. I have been lost for so long. The ship is still on the water. The waves have carried me to wherever we are. I have been rowing, sailing and steering but i have fuck all idea how to use the compass. But i have decided to go in one direction until I see land.
I am unsure if all the threats are an attempt to whip me back into her frame or real. What I am aware of is that the threats begun very early in our marriage and on nearly all counts I have backed down. She has won. After we got married I obsessed with what she thought and wanted. I am really only seeing this now. Most people think i am direct, intense and stubborn, but there is very little I can think of where I haven't given her veto power. I sought her influence and opinion at every turn.
I am responsible for this mess and I can work on that. I have always tried to fix the relationship first. Now, I am trying to fix the areas on my MAP that are red and yellow. I am dealing with it like the threat is 100% real. With the children, I feel heartache but I am transforming into being present with them. I am also increasing my focus on work.
Daily Routine/planning
Using Covey Quadrants, Scrum with GTD org system I made. Up at 6:00. I aiming for 5 this week.
Social:
Hung out with a friend. Blurted
Hung out with my family at a party. Loads of compliments on physical transformation from other fit people. We had arranged a specific time to leave be at the party on time. I had noticed that when it comes to things that are important to me, my wife will deliberately delay. I decided if this happened again, I would just leave. I took the kids and left. No butthurt. She followed an hour later and she left early without the kids. She came into the party wild eyed. I attribute this to a combination of shock at my follow through and her abuse of pain meds.
A Realistic Budget:
Got through this month with money saved. Starting Dave Ramsey FPU this week to put a structure on it. Working on the budgeting and looking at u/ImNotSlash ’s guides here: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bib3mk/60\_dod\_week\_6\_finance\_part\_1\_budgeting/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x
Redefine my Mission and MAP by knowing what I actually want.
Shore up as many leaks as I can find. Clear up the red areas, yellow areas and build up the green areas that I identified.
I will develop abundance internally and externally. I will overcome scarcity. Still not clear on what I want.
Learn to maintain frame.
I am maintaining better. She looks surprised. Inside I am quaking in my boots.
I am seeing that when I am non-reactive, she will time a text or email that she will know will impact me. She is an expert at flooding me. I mean, she knows every button and precise timing. It's actually masterful, but fairly Dark Triad!
Stop being drawn to disrespectful conversations with my wife and blurting.
Doing this. Then reset every day. But can not bring myself to touch her. No blurting to wife but plenty to friends and family, very embarrassing.
Sex:
Don’t want to do anything with my wife because I am finding by her ugly and the threats of divorce are a major turn off. I can also see by her paleness that she is using pain meds again. I have stopped initiating because I don’t want sex from her. I am being cordial and civil. We still sleep in the same bed but it’s more like roommates. I am thinking of u/Fing_farted_on_me from https://www.theredarchive.xyz/archive/197618
Diet:
On point.
Gym:
Yes.
Read RedPill Side Bar:
It’s meditations and The 48 at the minute.
Last Weeks Goals for this week:
Keep going with the reduced words.
Yes with wife and professionals. Some real blurting this week to friends and family,
Grin rather than “resting bitch face”.
I think this is make the shitstorm a little easier to bear.
Start from a position that people actually like me. in fact I am going to ignore indicators to the contrary.
Never once thought of this, this week.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Needless filler content.
so_woke_da_wookie 5y ago
Got it. I'll drop it.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Know the last time my wife did this? Months ago when I printed them off the county website and signed, effectively giving everything to her. "Stop talking and do it. Or, shut the fuck up."
so_woke_da_wookie 5y ago
That's what you said to her? Man, right now, if I did that I'd buckle. It's embarrassing but it's true.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Then accept it. Accept your role in the relationship. Or, be happy.
Balls_Wellington_ 5y ago
OYS #7 My lifts and body haven't changed since last week. This has been quite the week so I'm going to skip the usual format.
On Tuesday of last week I was involved in a road rage incident. I didn't provoke the guy, but he cut me off in slow traffic and tried to fight me. I'm not about to play that game, since best case I could go to prison and worst case he could be packing and i could end up dead.
So I did what I had to do and gunned it, hitting his truck (and him, per his account of the story) and got the fuck out of there. He followed me for a few miles while I called 911, trying to run me off the road. After I cooled down, I went back into town and filed a police report.
The reason I'm sharing this with MRP is that my frame was torn up by this incident. I spent the whole last week wondering if insurance would fuck me, if I could get jail time despite my actions being justified, etc.
I did, all things considered, a good job holding frame for the first few hours after the incident, but my wife could see my fear. As the days went on, I broke down and told her about my anxiety and let her share in the emotional burden. This was a mistake; she immediately went into anxiety mode herself and it was all she could talk about.
It wasn't really until yesterday that I found my frame again. I realized that, even in a comically exaggerated worst case scenario, I would rebuild and recover. Nothing can be taken from me that I can't replace, except for time with my son. As soon as I began acting with ownership about the event, my wife calmed down. I could tell that my calm peace had given her what all of my logical justifying and analysis couldn't: the feels she needed to believe everything was okay.
The things I did right:
My actions during and after the incident. About a dozen people have died in incidents just like this one in my city this year. Getting out of the car would have put me and by extension my family at risk. Calling 911 and filing a police report saved me from being charged with a hit and run-the detective told me this when I spoke with him on the phone.
Never totally losing my frame. Even though I shared my anxiety with my wife, I didn't do anything pathetic like cry or break down in front of her. I think this is what allowed me to recover frame yesterday.
I recognized my need to share this experience and my fear with someone, and so I talked to my dad. He gave me the male support I needed. I will remember the value of sharing the load with the other men in my life instead of using my wife as emotional support.
Recovering my frame and owning the situation and any potential consequences. This moment of understanding and acceptance is something I hope to carry into other scary or difficult situations in my life.
Things I did wrong:
Sharing my anxiety with my wife. Allowing her to feel my vulnerability made her feel insecure, which did nothing productive for either of us. As the man I am supposed to be an emotional rock, and rocks dont react to even the worst storms.
I allowed my fear to break my good habits. I was distracted at work and had anxiety attacks in the gym-it was like every time my heart rate spiked all I could think about was going to prison (even though logically I knew I was not at fault).
At the end of the day, holding frame would've made this a smoother experience for myself and my family. The lessons MRP has taught me made the experience much better than it could have been.
hack3ge 5y ago
It’s clear you have zero fucking idea what frame is which is funny because it’s all you talk about.
Frame isn’t something you hold or get in and out of it’s literally how you live every moment of your life - when guys say this shits a dead giveaway that he is a frameless faggot.
Balls_Wellington_ 5y ago
Ok
Balls_Wellington_ 5y ago
Actually I was going to just leave it but it's going to bother me if I don't disagree with you here.
Frame definition from the sidebar glossary:
And from the linked article:
So maybe it is more semantically correct for me to have said "I slipped from my frame into hers by catering to her anxiety and desire for emotional dumping" or "I managed to establish a measure of outcome independence with respect to the legal situation after realizing that I took the necessary actions and wouldn't change my behavior."
But I think that most people here would understand the shorthand of losing or gaining frame. Yeah, my frame is built over time, but whether I'm in it or not can be a moment-to-moment occurrence. I've felt it when I've left my frame, and I've felt it when I reentered it.
hack3ge 5y ago
You have no frame if you gain or lose it pure and simple. Having to “hold frame” is literally the definition of not having frame.
You can argue semantics but if you aren’t always your own point of origin and you have to think about your frame it means you are always just reacting to the world - hence frameless faggot.
Balls_Wellington_ 5y ago
I definitely don't have the strongest frame, although it has improved as I work on myself and fixing my shit. I'll keep working towards building a frame that doesn't break under pressure.
BostonBrakeJob 5y ago
What does this mean to you exactly? Specifically the "building" part of it?
hack3ge 5y ago
You will know you made it when you don’t even think about it - it just becomes who you are.
Balls_Wellington_ 5y ago
I've hit this point on projects at work, and it feels great. Looking forward to the day when I've put in the work and done it to the rest of my life.
[deleted] 5y ago
OYS #4 (OYS #3)
32 yo, 6'1", 198lbs, 13.9% BF, married 4 months, together 7 years, no kids (plan to keep it that way).
Most Salient Update:
Tuesday night last week the wife and I had sat down to have dinner together and discuss the relationship, our surprise lease termination, and what we needed to do. I opened the discussion by telling her that it seemed pretty clear to me, based on where our conversations were going, that we need to find separate living arrangements, she strongly agreed with this.
Then we had a long conversation about the relationship and I started this by telling her that it was clear to me that we care for each other a lot but that we are not compatible. I told her that many of the problems she was raising seemed inconsequential (though a few were big and legitimate) and combined with what looks like fundamental incompatibilities to me makes me think we should stop pussy footing around with "separation" and just break up.
Her reaction was calmer than I expected it to be but I was also a bit surprised that she said she really didn't want to break up right now, she explained that the separation felt better to her because she feels like she needs her own space to think and "process". I interpret this as separation anxiety and fear of losing my support (she is independent though).
I thought about it for a bit and told her I'm fine with a separation for now, especially if it eases her anxiety, because I'd be going into monk-mode anyway (we have no community property and the prenup is strong and she has a stable full-time job so I'm not worried about divorce rape), even though it feels like the prelude to the end.
Since that conversation we began the process of looking for separate living arrangements (this is my sole focus for the time being, finding a place to land, she seems squared away with a good roommate situation near her work), telling friends and family the gist, etc. Since that conversation we both have noticed:
Gym/Lifts: DL 385lbs, BS 355lbs, FS 300lbs, PC 242lbs, OHP 154lbs, BP 225lbs
Knees / hips / shoulders continue to feel good so I'm slowly mixing in more weightlifting on-top of the HIIT programming. My goal is to get my backsquat back up to 415lbs and deadlift back up to 450lbs.
Not much else to update on since the big stuff was noted above and it consumed the majority of my time and attention.
rotkohlblaukraut 5y ago
Ahh, the old "I'm going to go out and fuck other guys while keeping you on the back burner just in case it doesn't pan out" play. A tale as old as time. You know, I never really understood this separation versus breaking up thing. Just rip the fucking bandaid off already. ParaphrasingMark Manson, if her reaction to "do I want to be with STENZEWA" isn't "Fuck, yes", then it's a no.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
hack3ge 5y ago
I’m fucking confused - you are banging the babysitter still who is pregnant and your wife knows and told you to only fuck her if you want to have a baby with her?
What in the mother fuck is your end game here? I still am lost as to what the fuck it is you are working towards.
Also FYI any type of therapy is likely going to be your wife’s rationale for leaving because she tried anything. I’ve seen it time and time again.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Timeouts are bullshit. They are impersonal.
NeoTheJuanDJ 5y ago
For your entire relationships section. Quotes from pillar sidebar material - TSCOP
You are doing ALOT of:
And not enough of:
RoccoPinkman 5y ago
**OYS #10*** Tue 8 Oct
STATS
Age 36, height 188cm, weight 104kg, BF 14% LIFTS SQ 200kg 1RM DL 200kg 1RM BENCH 120kg 1RM OHP 75kg 1RM LTR 2 years. Kids 2,9,12.
THINGS I GOT DONE
RELATIONSHIP
ME
SEX/GAME
MONEY
LIFTING
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Then you're just as dumb as them.
My wife is BPD. How do I know? She was diagnosed by doctors. Two. This isn't WebMD shit.
/u/hornsofapathy did a post in this area in recent weeks. Go check it out.
So say we all.
Holy fuck, who you trying to sell?
Ya think?
Don't drag her along. If you're done then leave, both you move on with your lives.
RoccoPinkman 5y ago
Holy fuck, who you trying to sell?
Myself.
I’m still relying on external validation to let me know I’m doing well,
Ya think? I’m second guessing myself, i still don’t trust myself to be the judge of me.
Don't drag her along. If you're done then leave, both you move on with your lives
This is well overdue, the honest truth is I am scared, I’m scared of all the crazy shit that’s gona come my way, I’m scared of being the one who splits our family up. I’m a pussy there is nothing else to say I’m fucked up and I’ve had a whole life of other people taking care of my mistakes for me but now, I have to own my own shit, I will do it but it’s going to be in my own time. Edit: I will add to this, I have only just actually internalised how fucked up I am, I need to sort out my own issues and I can’t do that while I’m in a relationship or at least I can’t see a way to do it.
I read u/hornsofspathy’s post I’ve also read the first ones, they’re good. I’m just not invested enough in this relationship to try and fix it, if I’d found this sub a couple of years ago I might have wanted to turn it around.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
When I kicked my son's mother out of our apartment I laid on the bed balling like a bitch holding my infant child. I had no idea what the future would bring. She was going back home, hundreds of miles away, and I had no clue what would come next.
But I did it anyway. Because I knew what the future would hold if we stayed together.
I didn't say, let me give it two years to man up then ditch the bitch.
People will often refuse to make a change even if their miserable and believe they'd be happier elsewhere. Why? Because of the fear of being wrong. So they keep moving along, shutting their mouth, letting their insides rot until they become old miserable bastards complaining about anything and everything. The only joy they get out of life is making others miserable.
In your case, you also have three kids to think about. So, what does it show them? What is your relationship with your wife teaching them? I vowed not to let my son grow up in a house of angry parents. I vowed not to let him grow up not knowing his father. Ever since has just been filling the gaps.
Decide. Then do it.
RoccoPinkman 5y ago
Thank you, I needed to hear this. Kind of makes my situation seem trivial. Respect.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Don't misconstrue me. I'm not saying my situation was better or worse. I'm saying, make a decision and do it. Stop fucking around. There are 5 lives involved. I only had 3. Either way, too God damn many.
Make a decision then make the best of it, regardless the outcome.
RoccoPinkman 5y ago
Understood.
Cloudy_Pirate 5y ago
OYS #28 (OYS Journey started Jan 2019)
Age: 44y, Height: 5’9”, Weight: 190 lbs, BF 18%
Relationship: Wife is 42y, married 19 years, 4 kids (16y,14y,10y,5y)
Lifts (Demonstrated 1RM): Squat: 300lbs; Deadlift: 340lbs; Bench Press: 225lbs; Overhead Press: 150lbs
Sidebar reading :
MRP Posts, MMSLP, NMMNG, SGM, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, Pook, TRM
The Vision: Lead. Be the oak. Enjoy abundance, generosity, and adventure in all areas of life – sexual, mental, physical, spiritual
Lead (Most of my life, I have been a passive, but strategic opportunist. I want to change passive to active.) – Short update this week. Extremely busy. I’m still getting caught up on life. There are some things that I’ve been procrastinating that I need to take care of. The biggest one is that I have not updated our will since moving. I’ve added this to the urgent goals section.
Be the Oak (Focused on staying out of her head, swaying with her and supporting her emotions, but always maintaining a positive frame.) – I’ve done well with this for the past 2 weeks. No issues. Maybe it’s getting easier.
Sexual – My overall sex drive has been lower the last couple of weeks. I’m not keeping track, but probably only having sex 2x a week. No rejections, but I haven’t been initiating much. Wife has been more sex-positive lately, but not necessarily sexy.
Physical – Tired. Need more sleep (due to heavy social schedule). Lifting 3x per week. Bulking is much more enjoyable the cutting. Other than sleep, this area is abundant, but not adventurous.
Social – Too much abundance and generosity this weekend. We had a great time going out to dinner with friends and then hosting a firepit cookout for another group of friends. As an introvert, it was exhausting for me, but it really is good for my marriage and my family when are active socially.
Mental – Not much reading the past 2 weeks. I need to maintain better balance in this area.
Long term Goals:
Develop my mission – ongoing.
Plan out and execute wardrobe upgrade – 50% done for this year.
Develop and invest in more male friendships – in progress
Urgent Goals:
Book getaway with wife – done
Register daughter for driver’s ed
Register son for hunter safety
Update will
MeanPhysics 5y ago
OYS #3
37yo, 6’1”, 188lbs, 12%bf. Married 8 yrs, together 12. 2 kids, 5 & 3. Bench 300, OHP 170, Squat 295
Read: Rational Male, NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNFG, Book of Pook, SGM, Models, Bang, Day Bang
Swallowed the pill 22 months ago.
​
A good week where things went well on several fronts. The biggest challenge is that I’m not keeping my goals present in my mind day-to-day, so, though I’ll very happy in the moment, I’m not as focused on making progress as I could be.
​
Physical: Got to the gym consistently, ran through the end of my 2 week mini-cut. Got down to 188 sustained, going to switch to gaining again.
Goal: Gain 0.5lbs/week up to 198-200, likely with one more mini-cut between here and there with consistent strength gains.
​
Career: I’ve always been a relatively high-level leader who works best with people who need direction, but are very self-driven. I’m now in a spot with my company where I need to be in the details to help drive my team forward, and that’s requiring some adaptation from me. I recognize that I’m not always keeping all of my team as busy as they could be because I’m not managing them at a micro level, and while they’re happy with that, it’s not building the culture that I want over the long term.
Goal: Ensure that everyone of my folks has a big backlog and is never looking for something to do around the office. Add to that backlog consistently.
​
Family: The kids have been taking well to the daily activity. Much more entertained in the evening, and the whining about not going directly to a show after dinner lasted all of one night. Huge improvement in our evening routine. Wife picked it up quickly and is now aiding and abetting without me asking. Huge improvement
Goal: Continue on the nightly activity push. I didn’t get all of our weekends scheduled last week, so that’s back on as a goal for this week as well.
​
Social: Very busy week, gone several nights due to a multi-day work event in town. Wife was very accommodating with no pushback. If anything, she got more pleasant in the time we had together. Shocking, I know. This would have been unheard of a year ago. Slow progress, but progress. Have something planned 3 out of 4 nights this week.
Goal: Continue to keep the calendar full 2 weeks out. Need to schedule next week and the following one now.
​
Relationship/Sex: I have been focused on ferreting out all the validation seeking behavior, and the emotions that are caused by validation / lack thereof.
One challenge I’ve had is around the way I’m setting boundaries. This week, for example, we had some friends over, and were doing some activities with the kids. Wife made a joke about us divorcing to one of our friends, but both the girls were right there listening. I cut her off and told her not to joke like that in front of the girls, and that it was totally inappropriate. She asked how it was different from jokes I make about her moving away, which I do make, and I told her the vocabulary of divorce was different, and something the girls could talk about to their friends.
At the time, it felt like I was boundary setting, and publicly keeping her in line, but I know it came across to her and our friends that I was pissed about it, which means I looked butthurt.
I went back after the fact an hour later to speak with her alone and clarify that she couldn’t use that vocabulary in front of the girls. She pushed back a little, but moved forward.
I need to work on more effective boundary setting and discipline with her, and work on keeping my emotions under control.
Goal: Continue to identify validation seeking behaviors and related emotions. Make sure that when boundary setting I’m doing so in a calm, no-emotion manner.
PillUpAss 5y ago
OYS #25
BACKGROUND: 39, 6' 2" 196 lbs, T:343, (RPT 6/8/10, 1x6 set lifts listed): SQ 285, DL 320, BP 212, OHP 143, BR 190. RP 23 months. Kids 10, 12. Wife 41, together 15 years. Recovering FO to Wife Captain.
TRT
Got blood work done and reported on in last OYS. Now having a fuck of a time getting the other pre-consultation requirement: a physical. I already had my yearly a few months ago (too long to reuse). Went to a Minute Clinic and they got weird (TRT stigma, worried about being liable, my guess also associating it with steroid abuse). So now I'm back to my PCP asking him to fill out a form. It's a clusterfuck of admin to get this simple thing done but I'm pushing through it.
MUAI THAI
Starting to realize the full potential of building one's own life independent of anything or anyone else. Started Muay Thai classes last week and loved every minute of it. I instantly hit it off with a handful of guys, all of which could kick my ass. I also had no problem snapping a kick and sending an experienced guy flying backwards behind his pad. Yes, this sport is going to work fine for me. The plan is to get proficient over the next 6 months, then add in BJJ to round myself out. I'm not an angry person, but I truly enjoy combat sports - they have great elements that build a man.
MORE DL3 PLEASE
I need to give some time for TRT and Muay Thai to get worked into my routine, but I already want to do more DL3 type stuff - attend meetups for camping, archery, mountain climbing - start a band again (I used to be a good musician), etc. Giving it time but will be continuing to advance my own life separate from anyone else's, and there's plenty of room to grow there.
SEX
Muay Thai had instant dread and wife needed a lot of comfort (it's amazing how "by the book" and seamlessly that happened). She is still giving me BJs as part of her comfort, which is not the maze exit I want all the time but it's sometimes good. Had another night of good sex afterwards too. Nothing to write home about, but good. Tried a couple new things. It was slow going (took 2+ hours), she takes a long time to get warmed up - but again, good.
Despite these limited gains, sex is pretty much at a standstill. It's not progressing or regressing much. I need to take some time and get more clarity in my head on how I handle sex with her. It is 100% an SMV issue on my part. I can't just grab her by the hair, drag her across the room and bend her over. I could with other women, but my wife still sees me very much as a beta. A beta that could live without her, no problem, but still a beta. I still get rules, especially during sex, and she still tries to control some aspect of it, even if it's usually minor, every time.
I've tried a lot of things now, been through SGM many times, etc. She wants to feel like she has some control so our sex ends up being boring safe shit that we've done 1000x. I lead, but she doesn't follow. She's trying to branch out sexually to satisfy me, but hasn't let go. It turns me off sometimes - her attempts at being good at sex without submitting to me. I don't think it's possible that way. Need to reset and get a better approach here. Until then, I'm going to focus on building an even better life separate from her.
I've had her where I wanted her sexually briefly years ago, so I know it's possible to do better. That said, I'm still targeting 1/1/2020 to be getting the sex I want, with her or someone else. I've been at this 2 years now, need to draw the line somewhere and move on.
ALL ELSE
The rest of life is way too busy but going well. Kids are doing very well, good teamwork with the wife and low / no conflict. Everyone has so much to do now, there's little time for any issues. Work is kicking my ass but I'll be back on top of everything again soon. Need to find more time / get better at time management. I've found some ways to do that through meal prep and better assignment of responsibilities throughout my team at work. Need to continue to cut things out of my time.
NEXT WEEK
1 - Keep progressing towards TRT consultation
2 - Continue Muay Thai, get equipment
3 - Update meal prep routine
4 - Spend some time reflecting on frame, especially in sexual situations
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Way too many "She" statements. "She" statements don't matter.
This section is why you were banned. Read it again and check out how helpless you sound. I would rather have your wife come here and talk about all the reasons she won't fuck you in the way you want.
PillUpAss 5y ago
Got it. I hated trying to track and hold myself accountable to that shit anyway, for the same reason you stated in your messages to me - it's out of my control and victimizing. It had become a habit for me to measure my progress by other people's actions on a weekly basis in parts of my OYS. I am glad to have realized this.
MeanPhysics 5y ago
Have you tried just walking away when she asserts her rules? I've done this a few times, sometimes literally saying "you've got too many rules", and it always leaves her a little shocked and hamstering on wtf just happened.
That said, I was exactly where you are a couple of months ago. Nearly two years in, and feeling like sex hadn't improved in nearly a year. I resolved to just push her harder. There was no downside. Either she came along and jumped into the deep end with me, or she didn't and at least I had my answer on how much she needed my attention and validation.
I'm still a long ways from where I want to be, and have to keep coaching myself *every day* to keep pushing her, but in the last two months we've done things that hadn't been on the menu for years if ever. She knows there's a cost to saying no to you. Right now she's willing to pay that price, occasionally. But if you're constantly voicing your desires, in a non-needy, assertive, masculine frame, then the price goes up. At some point, either she'll give in to your leadership, or you'll get yourself something like a main event. Either is fine. Keep pushing.
PillUpAss 5y ago
Yes, I need to get better on what I allow into my time and my life overall.
hack3ge 5y ago
I just got around to checking your blood work - your TSH indicates a thyroid issue. It could be related to fasting and low T but even though it’s in normal range any good Endo will know that it should be right around 1. 2.8 is pretty high and indicative of an issue. Your FT is right on the cusp - most men see issues right around 10-11 and this could be Thyroid related or also just lower due to fasting. Definitely keep an eye on it if you go on TRT. The IGF thing is something knee I’ve never seen before but if you find a good T specialist they should be able to answer your questions.
PillUpAss 5y ago
I appreciate you flagging the TSH. I had T4 tested about 6 months ago and it was also on the high end of the normal range (which makes me think is not hypothyroidism). Getting it all checked out by an Endo and a T specialist.
hack3ge 5y ago
Did you get free t4 tested or just regular? I didn’t delve too deep as my thyroid was all perfect but I know there’s a situation you can have with rT3 and bound up t4. It’s sort of like having a high SHBG with in range T - your free t will be shit and make you have issues even tho the total T looks good.
It is very odd to have a TSH not around 1 and not have thyroid issues but it could be T related or even from dieting.
Glad you are seeing a specialist.
PillUpAss 5y ago
It was Free T4. Didn’t get T3 or T4 done yet.
dwebsterlight 5y ago
OYS #17
Stats: 6’4” 201, BF 14%, 35, no kids, together for 14 years total, married for 4. 10 months into improving.
Lifting/Health/etc.: A Picked up some pre-workout yesterday, haven’t ever used it but thought I’d give it a go. Felt great during lifting. More than a placebo, I think, haha!
Goals
Game/Frame: F Haven’t made any progress on Bang over the past week but reread some MMSRP. Had forgotten some of the good sections on Phases and gaming the wife. Phase 5 had some points about discussing wife’s actions with her social circle which seem kind of “bitch move” to me.
Still batting .000 on sex over the past 10 weeks now. I’m internalizing more and more that my marriage has died. I’m outcome independent as I know I can move on to younger, happier, tighter with ease; but I’m honestly still in a bad place mentally over it. I’m still in the game but my competitive nature just sees this like losing a big game, because of my faults in the first quarter. Fuck.
My wife mentioned that there is a double standard in our relationship because I used to have a lot of female orbiters pre-marriage and now the boundary I set of her not hanging out with an ex-friend of mine is unfair (see prior posts). I let her know the big difference in the situation while DEERing as little as possible, and went broken record. I joked about it as much as appropriate but it really just seemed like her hamster was running hard and she doesn’t know whether to fight it or accept it. Either way, accepting it doesn’t really mean shit right now as the rope is still slack as fuck (may have snapped years ago) and I don’t see her getting back on my boat at this point.
Social/Fun/Leading: B Coed trip to play a sports tournament in Vegas is a month out, looking forward to it. Wife didn’t want to come and cited this in her “double standard” talk, but it was her choice not to come. I could have given comfort here but didnt, and I wasn’t going to cancel over that either.
In general, I’ve been keeping the tone more positive and she is in my frame a lot more than she has been for years. There has been improvements in that regard but still not great responses.
Going to set something up this weekend that we would both enjoy though as I have been doing a lot a planning around what I want to do for a few months. If she doesn’t want to tag along I’m taking the phase 5 approach to MMSP and distancing myself.
Owning my shit: Need to focus on an initial consultation for killing the puppy. Don’t plan to go that route for several months, if needed, but I know I need time to get things in order. I make 4-5x my wife, have covered my equitable (non-equal) portion of things and have saved a lot. She has not saved, has a bunch of debt, and will likely end up raping me just because of how the laws are written not because of her desire to. Have a decent amount saved before we got married that is separate from marital property but my income continued increasing really well throughout marriage so a lot of the assets seem like they are fair game. We will see what an attorney can tell me in the next few weeks.
steelmelt33 5y ago
So many people on here I hope they fix their shit and save their marriage. When I read yours I read it like your are a prisoner trapped in a jail on a sentence for a crime he didn’t commit. I hope you leave her. You have no kids. Be free.
WhiteNight200 5y ago
OYS #14: Six Month Report (Discovered MRP 3/11/19)
Stats: 34yo, 5'9", 180 lbs., BF 15-18% (Navy)
SQ: 250 5x5
BP: 155 5x5
BR: 140 5x3
OHP: 110 5x5
DL: 240 1x4
Chin-ups: 8RM
Mission
Be my own man. Give of my abundance. Share my gifts and talents readily with those who are ready to appreciate them. Be the Oak to those in my care.
Study
Back in NMMNG. Schnarch's Passionate Marriage is next. WISNIFG #2 when I'm on mobile.
Physical
PRs across the board over the last three weeks. Squats are my strongest point, and I've made big progress in my Bench. Missed one squat at 245 and dropped it forward--I was doing the walk of shame (taking off weights to put the barbell back up) and laughing it off when a gym rat gave me an approving nod and said, "That's a lot of weight." I just smiled back and nodded.
I've gotten exertion migraines the last three times I've tried to do chin-ups. I'm re-evaluating my hydration, sleep, etc.
Noob gains are awesome. I continue to get IOIs and comments/questions on my "weight loss". Back is shaved and the rest of my body hair is trimmed. Haircuts are every 8 weeks instead of 12.
I bought a sport coat and ordered Beckett Simonon quarter-brogues. Currently shopping for a good watch (<$125 that can be dressed up or down).
Career/Finances
Medical bills are all paid off and extra money is now going toward student loans again.
Personal
I was recently given a lot more responsibility at church. This has and will take much more of my time, but I've accepted it as a learning opportunity (for networking, organizational, and administrative skills specifically).
I need to accept risk and fear as companions, to become comfortable with them on a regular basis. This is something that applies across the board. In the vast majority of cases, the consequences of my fear/reluctance are worse than those of the confrontation I'm avoiding. I have seen a lot of progress in this area at work (even before MRP), where I've become much more comfortable standing up to associates in the workplace when they break policy, etc.
Dread Level 5 is on track (see Physical above).
Family
I owe one of my kids some one-on-one out-of-the-house time. That'll happen this week.
Marriage
I told myself I was just going Monk mode, but in reality I'm also avoiding confrontation and disappointment after making concentrated effort to game and initiate. It feels like a waste of time when I get rejected or starfish. OI is coming slowly, but if I'm going to get what I want, I have to take responsibility for teaching my wife what that is. She's naive in the bedroom, and she won't be doing any research on her own unless she's drastically motivated. That leaves it up to me.
I talked about Dread in my last OYS, but what I want more than that is Desire. I don't want hysterical bonding--I want genuine attraction. For this I have been increasing my SMV through lifting and frame, and the rope is getting tighter. I've been getting fewer Fitness Tests and challenges to my authority. I do what I want to do, and I take care of my responsibilities because I want to take care of them. I give of my abundance with no (or little) thought of reward.
But Game is off. I don't feel very attracted to my wife, and I struggle with putting forth the effort to initiate regularly because of it. She's made genuine compliments on my improvements, and I flirt and game when she does.
We had some pretty good sex last week. She initiated...kino, some fellatio, cowgirl. I flipped her to missionary, then caveman. Did some bonding after to reinforce. So things have improved. More experiences like that will give me more opportunities to lead, teach, and build the wife I want.
If I feel attracted to my wife, I'll embrace the risk and game her, initiate. But if I don't want it, I don't want it. Reset everyday.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
WhiteNight200 5y ago
You're right on the first count. I need to change my mindset and find the value in failure.
I wouldn't say I'm looking for "reward sex". That sounds like a covert contract to me.
HornsOfApathy 5y ago
It's not "reward sex" but I've used the term "Frame Reward Sex".
Because if you're really in your frame, you don't give a fuck if she fucks you or not. You're the prize. If that's both externally and internally for you, then that is true frame. Chicks fuck that.
Or, somewhere within your frame you actually give a fuck about her with true OI, and are able to express your emotions like a man and be the oak. That's some solid fucking frame, bro. Chicks fuck that.
But nowhere in your frame does it say: I do these things to get laid like a dancing monkey.
Chicks fuck a good, strong frame. It's just a fact.
WhiteNight200 5y ago
Thanks for clarifying. That's what I'm going for.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
How to initiate quality sex by covertly communicating your explicit expectations
WhiteNight200 5y ago
Good reminder.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Did you go for it again or just quit?
Is this normal? My son and I have to get cuts every month. There's a guy on my bus with neck hair as long as his head hair. That's not you, is it?
Nothing wrong with this except,
It's a waste of time if you're not learning anything. Why are you disappointed in starfish? At least it demonstrates a desire on her part to satisfy you.
Then give her something to desire. Do you make it exciting for her? Give her a reason to crave more. When was the last time you tried to finger her on the way to the restaurant? Ever edge her? Don't be so black and white.
WhiteNight200 5y ago
It was the last rep in my set. Completed the next two sets no problem.
Yes, normal. Your antagonism isn't worth more of a response than that.
Good point here. I'll focus on learning from failure instead of seeing it as a waste.
Bwahaha. You don't know my wife. But I get your point.
Consider your feedback appreciated.
dwebsterlight 5y ago
I change my style every couple of years but I get a hair cut every two weeks or so. Every two months to me just seems like trimming your nails every two weeks (too long if you eat enough protein).
RedPillBluegrass 5y ago
OYS 062 191008
Stats:
I worked out with a bodybuilder, I will call him Delroy, for chest day last week. Huge, Funny guy but dropped a BP bomb. His wife called in the middle of his incline set, he cut his routine short to go home to have sex. “RedpillBluegrass” (in a Jamaican accent), “You have to get it went it comes”.
He was also full of “Gym-Bro-Science”. “You have to grip with the pinky first like this” (shows me) “because the energy gets locked in”. “If you drink too much water, you wont be able to go up in weight during your set”. “Ganga is best for working out”
Diet
Almost at target weight.
Goals
185 lbs (83.9 kg) by the end of 2019
Rule Zero
Last OYS I had admitted to myself that I am unhappy with the mother of my children (MoMC). For me, RP gave me a new life but also build me a golden cage that I thought I wanted. I don’t want it. I “did the right thing” a decade ago… and a large part of me hates it. I don’t love her, I never have and I am shifting gears with my RP journey
New plan: Date MoMC to see if I want to keep her as a plate. So far it has been positive. I am engaging with her emotions and not her reason. I wouldn’t talk shop with any broad I want to lay, so why the fuck would I talk shop with MoMC.
Case in point, she bitched about her friend doing something stupid a few days ago. In the past I would roll my eyes, ignore, or attempt some sort of fix. This time I just said “Your friend is such a fucking bitch!” MoMC perked up and said “I know!” and yapped till I said I had some other shit to do. This type of situation has happened multiple times in the past week.
Now… the point of this is not for her “perk ups”, it is for my interest and learning. One implementation has been for me to check my emotions before and after. Depending on severity, I will offer only an emotional reaction. If I feel my brain saying “The situation could be done better with fix X or fix Y… I say to myself… no fuck head… her monkeys… her zoo… say something emotional”.
This is working for me… but has pointed me to the fact I have not been happy in any relationship with any broad I layed on a short term or longer basis… except my onetius…. Which requires more time to unpack.
Rule Zero Bluegrass
Your instrument needs tuning every other song… you never complain.
Women’s emotions need tuning everyday… and now you fucking complain?
Do your jobs.
Tell the mandolin player this.
Rule Zero Role Playing
The dice bore her, but Cosplay will get her every time.
Tell the keeper this.
nemo_land 5y ago
OYS #8
​
38 yo, 5’5(1,7m), 136lbs(62kg), married 6, together 11, Wife 33, kids 4 & 6
Physical
My knees are slighly injured after squatting on Sunday. I stopped lifting and improvisation for this week as a result.
I am pissed off internally because i was not cautious enough. My coach told me my squat was good. Did i put too much weigth too fast ?
Fuck. It is a physical setback . I will wait until I recover before doing lifting . Last week i was sick too. Not great week.
primordialawe 5y ago
OYS 11 - mobile so a short chunk, but I need to get these thoughts out into the ether before I lose them.
Almost didn’t post OYS last week and glad I did. Helped me get honest with myself and get some good feedback on head trash.
My wife has been having a tough last few days with a busy time coming up with her business. Struggling to juggle her normal duties with this temporarily increased workload. Hasn’t taken it out on me at all and been more apologetic if anything. I have been helping offload some by taking the kids a little more than I would and other little shit. Then I caught myself last night slipping into a mindset of doing something where I expected an outcome (her improved attitude) from what I was doing. And it bled over into my thoughts on entertaining her recent request on a big purchase. Nipped that thought process in the bud. I must continue to put myself and my goals first. It’s best for everyone when I do that.
Plan this week:
Flynnjacklepappy 5y ago
OYS 9
Age 41, Height 6’1”, Weight 181, Fat 13% married 15 years, she’s 41,
Kids, 2 boys- stepson is 17 and our son is 14,
Lifts: Squat 225, Bench 185, DL 225 Keto for 3 years, intermittent fasting during cuts
Reading:
NMMNG(x2), WISNIFG, MMSLP(x2), MAP(x2), Saving a Low Sex Marriage(x2), The Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, The Book of Pook(x2), How to Win Friends and Influence People, Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat, Bang, Day Bang, reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, and Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
Physical
I realized I’m up 15 pounds from this time last year. Looking at progress pictures I’m almost just as lean so most of it is muscle. I really got serious about lifting earlier this summer and had been just pussy footing around before that so I’ve grown a bit in the last 3-4 months. I hit the gym 6 times for lifting this week, really killing it. I was going to take some measurements and progress pictures last week but didn’t make time. I’ll get to it this week.
Self Improvement/ Social
Saturday morning at the gym I ran into a friend from my early BJJ training that I haven’t seen in over a year. He started BJJ at the same time as me but has to take breaks due to playing semi-pro soccer. The league doesn’t want him doing anything during the season outside of soccer that could cause injury. Anyway, we caught up and worked out together. I realized I had an extra gear and more energy after visiting with him. The positive energy I felt made a noticeable difference in my day. I see more often how I need to foster the male friendships in my life.
A new friend invited me to a men’s supper at his church next Tuesday and I plan on going. I grew up in the church but changed my religious views several years ago. I don’t have rigid beliefs (or lack of), or attend church anymore but I think this will be a fun experience. A couple other buddies and I planned on going to a movie and getting some beers this week but it fell through due to work schedules.
I got back on track with meditating. I’m past the beginner course on the headspace app and I’ve decided to pay for the subscription. I’m still new and need some guidance with it so I may cancel it at a later date once I learn more. I’ve noticed I’m using some of the tools throughout the day to calm my mind so it’s having a positive effect.
Relationship
Tuesday night I initiated and got a soft no. Pushed through and ended up having starfish sex after she declined foreplay. I got busy fucking and decided a couple minutes into it that I wasn’t having fun. I went caveman for a bit but I found myself just trying to get off. I decided it wasn’t worth it and ended it mid thrust and said “this isn’t working.” She said “I’m sorry” and I didn’t reply. I wasn’t feeling butthurt about it, mostly I was shocked that I didn’t want sex like that. I haven’t turned it down before. I kissed her and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and she was snuggling with me. The next day I reset and just went on like nothing happened. In the past I would have complained to her, blamed her, and probably felt like something was off between us until we had good sex again. I’m starting to understand that things like this are my fault. I don’t like it but I don’t blame her anymore.
Without trying to get in her head, I think I actually empathized about it. She didn’t want to have sex and voiced it. I pushed and she agreed. She wasn’t into it and probably just wanted me to get off and leave her alone. Then I understood how my past behavior was unsettling to her when I reacted poorly to something like this. She gives me what I want and I would get mad. No wonder she was losing attraction for me. It was weak behavior.
This experience feels like what I read on here about how she will be the best sparring partner when getting better. I actually learned from this and it felt like I turned a corner. I can do better in my response if it happens again as it probably appeared to her I was butthurt. I wasn’t doing anything to get a response from her and that is different for me.
Saturday night we went out with some friends to a festival/concert hosted by a local brewery. Afterward we went to a local bar and played darts. One of my wife’s friends commented that she wished there were more guys here that looked like me. I think she surprised herself with the statement because she looked immediately at my wife as if for approval. My wife grabbed me and said there just weren’t any other guys like me. She was all over me the rest of the night.
At the bar she mentioned giving me road head later for the ride home since I was driving. I didn’t really think about it anymore and when we got to the house she said she forgot about it and asked why I didn’t remind her. She almost seemed offended, like I didn’t want it. I just pulled my dick out and told her anytime is good for a blowjob and to get busy, which she did. She couldn’t wait to get my clothes off. When I took her pants off she had on a thong, which she rarely does, and was ready to show it off. She was on her period so I hadn’t been expecting anything to happen, but I had been playing with her and flirting all day. I flipped her around in several positions and even introduced some light choking which was a first. She was into it and so was I. She pulled at my hand at one point and I thought I was squeezing too hard but when I let up a little she pushed my hand back into her throat. When I finished she wanted to use her vibrator and asked me to put my hand back on her neck. She said she had cum so many times already but wanted to feel that once more. This was new territory so I treaded lightly but we both enjoyed it. I think it’s time to approach the subject of a safe word. I mentioned this to her before lightly teasing but maybe we need one now. It seems like she is open to some variety in the bedroom now so I have work to do. Pushing some boundaries will be fun.
MeanPhysics 5y ago
Careful with going slow when exploring new territory. She's clearly pulling you along here and wants more dominance. If you slow roll it you risk making less progress than you could before before you establish a new normal with her.
This may not be you, but most recovering betas, myself included, are at least subconsciously worried about offending or getting rejected in pushing too far... and so give up gainz they could have made by pressing harder. My mantra for myself is to just keep pushing. Looking back, my failure has been in not listening to myself here.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Way too many "She" statements. "She" statements don't matter.
Smuggler-Tuek 5y ago
OYS WEEK 21
ABSTRACT: Missed a workout or two (leg days). Didn't read again. Career goals are coming together, on track for goal. Positive rock at home reflecting well in my relationship. Allergy attack frustrated me and I let it show. I re-use the same phrases when talking to people. I learned to cope and survive mental breakdowns.
Age: 30
Married, twin 2 year old boys
Physical:
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 150lb
Workout: 531 BBB
1RM:
SQUAT: 280lb
BENCH PRESS: 197.5lb
DEADLIFT: 248.5lb
SHOULDER PRESS: 161.5lb
Missed deadlift last week and squats yesterday but still managing to find time to do most of my workouts. If I feel up to it I may add squats today after bench just so I don't feel guilty for missing it.
Reading:
Didn't read anything. Couldn't get my head into it to concentrate on reading something. I may need to pick up audio book versions on some of my reading list.
Career:
Goals are becoming more concrete. Have formulated some outlines for growth and we are actively taking steps to make it happen. I'm not following up with leads as much as I should to hit my growth goal. I need to get more disciplined in it.
Relationship:
I'm significantly more grounded this week. Frame is back and it translates to my relationship well. Saw my therapist which helped and I've been working to stay in my independent mindset. The wife has been stressed out from her friend getting a divorce but I am seeing a positive impact on her with me being a positive rock. Only real fuck up this week was when I lost my allergy medication and I had a vicious allergy attack where I was sneezing every 30 seconds and I let it show how frustrated I was with it and everything happening around me. Feel dumb about it. I need to be more diligent with my medicine and to also not be a child when I'm uncomfortable.
Social:
Feeling positive this week and it's translating well into my social circle. I'm enjoying getting together with friends and haven't had any social anxiety. I've become aware that I re-use many of the same phrases when talking to people. I catch myself saying the same dumb things and it's irritating me because I'm usually well spoken and kind of eloquent with how I present what I'm trying to say. It's a new silly problem but maybe I've just gotten too into my own head about it.
Personal:
No mental breakdowns this week. I feel more confident now that I can handle one if it were to come along thanks to advice from my therapist and my healthy coping skills. I don't feel as trapped as I did last week by my emotions but instead I feel like I will be able to weather the storm if shit were to hit me emotionally again.
Mission:
Continue to improve my self worth and independence. Financial: Increase my annual income by 10% in 6 months (MARCH).
[deleted] 5y ago
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Cloudy_Pirate 5y ago
​
I do this also. I'm doing it less and less. It's (probably) because your are defensive and reactive because you lack confidence and care too much about social norms and meeting expectations.
[deleted] 5y ago
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Cloudy_Pirate 5y ago
Unchained Man has some chapters about moving past social norms and conditioning.
But if flows naturally from a place of confidence and abundance.
egc6 5y ago
OYS 40
Stats: Age 32. Wife 31. Married 8. 195 lbs. 6'0. BF:14%
Physical
Was feeling better after a several weeks with the sports med guy. Went a little harder in the gym. Fucked my arms up. Ulnar nerve entrapment. When it flairs up, my hands are in constant nagging pain when they aren't numb. Makes it difficult to sleep. Incredibly frustrating how much it limits me in the gym/life. Got my forearms dry needled and it helped. Doc threatened me with an epidural if I don't stop pushing too hard and fucking my nerves up. Told me to stop all Olympic lifts for a while. I'm limited to just stretching and ultra light weight with nothing over head. I hate it.
Got my labs back.
I inject 2x week. The way I understand it peak T numbers are 2-4 days after injection. I injected Sunday night and gave blood Wednesday morning. So these are around my peak numbers. I got an increase from 140mg weekly to 160. Yes E2 is high and it will get higher with more T. I've been trying to work on naturally lowering it instead of using an AI. I might just have to take it in a low dose and see if it manages it. I crashed my E2 once already taking it. I'm not eager to do that again. My doc doesn't seem to put much stock in "splitting the dose to decrease E2". The plan right now is to just take a very very low dose AI for a month and check my E2 again. Maybe after my dose is higher I'll try going EOD and back off the AI.
Even though my numbers are coming up I'm finding that I'm still exhausted most the time. I don't sleep very well. Called my doc to set up a sleep study. A symptom of high E2 and low Vit D in men is constant fatigue. Addressing it from every angle I can.
Relationship/Sex
I haven't cared much about sex for 2-3 weeks. Might be more high E2 symptoms. Might be the pain I've been in. Might be lethargic attitude I've had worrying about a mission. What ever it is, it isn't good for the relationship. I'm not very decisive right now about much of anything. She has been a little cunty, generally an early symptom of me fucking up in other aspects of life.
I was asked some simple questions last week. They have me thinking about things in a more positive way. Between reading and rolling those questions through my mind, I have enough to grind on this week.
SmoovMove 5y ago
OYS #2
STATS: 40 yrs old, wife 39, together 13 yrs, married 10. 13 weeks redpill.
HEALTH: Gym still 5 days a week with 2-a-days sprinkled in when I have the time. Stonglifts 5x5 started this week. Upping cardio with fasting in the morning. Down to 216lbs from 260.
CAREER: Recent promotion to VP of operations last week. Diving straight in and getting a handle on the new position. Boss seems happy.
HOBBIES: Got the engine build finished for the new bike and installed this week. Installed the fuel tank and engine fired on the second attempt. Pretty happy with myself as I havent built a bike in 15 years. This week I'll get the wiring finished and hopefully get the brakes and wheels done. Goal is to have it complete by the end of the month and get a few days of riding in if the weather cooperates. Wife is none to happy about this still...she doesnt want me riding and shit tests me on this here and there. Since I cant win this with A&A. I stick with fogging and STFU. Seems to be working well as she continues to abandon tests quickly.
My 1st car as a kid was a '64 VW bug. I drove past a '71 super beetle on my way home from work on Wednesday that was for sale. I stopped and talked to the owner and ended up buying it on the spot for $1200. Went home and grabbed the trailer and took it home. This will be my next project. Needs a ton of work like new pans, heater channels, engine and trans....but its gonna be a fun chop and slam project.
I figured the wife would flip when she saw it. She came home and hit me with "oh, something else to take all my time with you away from me." I saw this as a comfort test and invited her to help me strip the interior and clean it. I wasnt planning on starting on it till after the bike was finished, but to my surprise she came back out to the garage in old Jean's and one of my dickys shop shirts and started cleaning all the shit off the bug. We actually had a decent few hours working together and having a few drinks. I think I won this one.
New band is progressing well and we have a few tunes written. Hopefully some gig opportunities will arise soon. Wife bitches about rehearsal times, but seems to be excited about upcoming gigs.
MARRIAGE: Better, but not good. Still no sex, but no initiations by myself or the wife. Still not ready to initiate as my ego is still too fragile. I need to toughen up and be ready to accept a rejection with no butt hurt.
Odd thing this week...a former LTR hit me up out of nowhere. We've been texting a bit and things got sexual fast. Unsure if this is a manifestation of my need for external validation or not, but it has been enjoyable. Still trying to decide if I should ghost her, or practice running game on her / potential plate her when I'm ready to make that move. Input is appreciated.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
What do you want? You want to fuck the ex?
SmoovMove 5y ago
A little, yes. Or I just need to get laid.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
well - figure out what you want and go do it.
SmoovMove 5y ago
Roger that.
sidepiecebandit 5y ago
OYS #19
32, 176 lbs, 5'7
GYM: Finally hit 300 lb bench press. A milestone I've been chasing a while. Wendler has been very helpful. Next goal is 315 by 2020. Adductors getting looser and looser. Still failing on lordosis and tight hips.
PLATES: 8 new phone numbers, 3 dates, one lay. Need to approach more 8s and 9s.
HEALTH: Came down with a head cold early last week, hydration definitely helped me get over it. Must get the flu shot.
SOCIAL: Despite plate spinning, was able to invite a good friend out to catch Joker. Need to work on getting bigger groups of people/men together.
READINGS: Fail. Haven't re-read the sidebar in a while. Need to brush up on WISNIFG.
FINANCES: Spent more than I budgeted for on some ER expenses. Need to curb this one, especially with my upcoming european trip.
FRAME: Still struggling with impatience and the urge to be somewhere I feel I should already be. Not happy with the fact I haven't made 6 figures yet, and that my career isn't materializing the way I want it to. But I've gained more control over these feelings so that I can focus on actionables. I'm still struggling with a patience vs result orientated mindset. Patience makes me feel complacent and lazy, results orientated makes me stressed and disillusioned. I need to address this with more OI and abundance while at the same time keeping my feet to the pavement.
Cam_Winston21 5y ago
Impressive lift at your size, thumbs up.
redPillOnHard 5y ago
Life Goal - Kick life in the ass. Be my own judge
I feel energized this week. I was struggling with some work challenges/stress. I believe I have a path forward figured out and all that is left is hard work and some luck that is out of my hands. I'm not afraid of hard work, and everything else is out of my hands. I'm pumped to kick some ass.
Health - Goal: 10% BF. Black Belt in BJJ. Live pain free.
Ht: 6'4" Wt: 245 BF: 14%
Tweaked my back again in BJJ. We were working clench to take downs. I fell a couple times hard. I'm too stubborn to take a break. My instructor noticed me wincing as I was getting up. He sat me out. It was a good call in hindsight. I need to let go of my ego and sit out a couple rounds when needed.
I'm eating OK. Weight is holding steady. Sticking to IF 18/6, but not so much keto. I need to find the motivation to lose weight vs. holding steady. Right now, I'm in really good shape. I definitely could lose 20 pounds, but I'm 50 down from where I started and I'm comfortable. I need to find the drive to do the hard work in this area.
Finances -Goal: Year salary in relatively liquid cash and investments along with retirement accounts and option to retire by 55.
I put our company runway on the table with my leadership team. This was hard for me to do. Similar to NMMNG shit, I try to hide this stuff, which creates covert contracts and avoids dealing with the situation. I think the team appreciated the clarity and urgency of what we are doing. This lessened my stress and lit a fire under them. It will also allow them to share in the victory when we hit targets. They are coming together to solve the problem. I'm excited to lead this group and tackle this challenge.
Parenting - Goal: Raise healthy, curious, active kids. Model these qualities for them. Engage in activities with each of them that they are passionate about.
Goals:
Good on this front. Our house is sooo much calmer lately. I own my shit. Wife owns her shit. Wife gonna have wife emotions from time to time. I don't allow them to get me off course. She moves through them. She is overall so much happier lately, kids are benefiting hugely from these changes.
Frame - Goal: To not measure myself by others opinions.
Goals:
Its funny not to see shit tests for what they are. I was such a disaster in this area pre MRP. No I AA by default. She backs down. This only works when you are the prize. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I'm in a good place.
Sex - Goal: Active and fun sex life. Initiate whenever I feel like it no butt hurt over rejection.
Goal:
Good week. Wife actually told me she enjoys pleasing me. She wants to do things with/for me because she knows I like them and that actually turns her on. I've never heard her vocalize that before.
Stoic_Wrangler 5y ago
OYS #7
Stats:
Age: 29, Ht: 6’1 Wt: 217
Wins:
-hit $4K in savings
-conditioning feels easier in the gym without affecting lifts
Gym:
5/3/1 Rep Maxes This Week:
Front Squat – 210 x 11
OHP – 120 x 13
Deadlift – 330 x 13 (touch n go)
Benching on Thursday
Interesting workout today. I took my shoes off to deadlift in my socks and one of the guys I work out with went and told the front desk guy who came and asked me to put them back on. I’ve seen people deadlifting in their socks before and it was never an issue.
This guy I work out with is in his 50’s and gay. He has been lifting for 30 years so he knows his shit, but I just feel uncomfortable around him anymore. He works out in the mornings too and has been for years, but his jokes are just over the line sometimes, observes me all the time, etc. I just get the feeling he is resentful of me for something. I get weird vibes from him.
After he told the front desk guy on me today and was muttering under his breath for me taking off my shoes, I’m thinking “why the fuck am I friends with this guy.” There are a bunch of gyms in my area.
Career:
Slow. Numbers very low last week. Sometimes I wonder if my company is going to go down since the environment is extremely lax right now, but we just hired a new girl, so I assume that’s a good sign. The company is small (<20 people).
Finances:
Hit $4K in emergency fund. Most I’ve ever had saved. I know I have work to get done on my car this weekend so that will go down, but last year at this time I had credit card debt and car payments (on top of my student loans) so that is a win.
Relationships:
Good. We went apple picking this weekend lol. Then made apple crisp. It was actually very fun.
She is a fun girl and we joke around a lot. I know that being silly around each other is a good thing. Sex good this weekend. I don’t go down on girls a lot. I just don’t genuinely enjoy it that much, but this weekend had the urge to and went down on her and she responded very well to it.
Nothing has been off limits so far, but I still can push boundaries more. So far sex has been the most consistent thing going on in my life. That’s not good.
Teaching:
Strong arming parents for lesson times.
Project:
No progress.
Note:
I have been feeling stagnant the last few months. My lifts have hardly moved and work is going slow. It feels like a life plateau. Last year at this time, I was starting a new job, my lifts were going up every week and was spinning a few plates. Coincidentally, I was also feeling burnt out and bored by spinning plates and going for any lay I could get.
Rian Stone had a really good video on YouTube about Genuine Desire and talked about guys going through the phase where they just try to rack up a high lay count. I felt like he was speaking to me because that does get old quickly.
Right now my goals are very very long term (pay off student loan debt, have a massive PL total), but I am having trouble setting small goals. They just seem so far off. I need more some small wins. I am fueled by progress.
CaptJohnLukeDiscard 5y ago
Deadlifting barefoot works better for some people than wearing shoes. If you are one of those people but stuck at a gym that makes you wear shoes, get chucks. Best compromise between the flat feel of no shoes versus complying with gym rules.
Stoic_Wrangler 5y ago
Thank you - I was actually thinking of doing that and looks like a good compromise.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Unless you go have beers together he's another dude in the gym.
No idea why they'd throw fits about no shoes other than safety concerns. Regardless, get squat shoes for stability.
Stoic_Wrangler 5y ago
Absolutely true. Just ignore and move on.
True - they said "safety concern" Truth is I've been wearing squat shoes for past year or so, have helped squats, but deadlifted barefoot for the first time last week and it felt so much better. More grounded. Bar felt faster off the floor.
Lol absolutely true. Needed to hear that. Thanks
​
Also true. If company goes under I recently updated my resume so it is ready to be sent out. Not sure if I should be actively interviewing if I'm just testing waters. I'm in staffing and it's very obvious when people are interviewing just to kick tires. What are your thoughts on proactively looking?
Yes - absolutely. Usually promotions happen at year markers. I clearly can up my numbers, quota, etc. Nothing productive about me complaining about work.
​
Thanks for taking the time to reply man.
ImNotSlash 5y ago
Interviewing, networking, all of it. Don't risk getting stranded
SoggyTrain 5y ago
OYS #10
37, 5'8" 161lbs, 10%BF, married 9, together 11, kids 1 and 4.
DL 327, Squat 286, Bench 225x5
I have been lazy and haven't posted here in a month, which hasn't helped me. I went from feeling very OI to noticing feelings of validation issues again. So we are starting again today.
Mission (in progress): To live my life authentically without fear. To model calmness, confidence, and happiness for my sons and raise them to be manly men. To be the man in my relationship. To enjoy this fucking life as much as possible before my time is done.
Frame: I have been doing a lot of STFU when jabs or shit tests come my way, but I just don't feel like even giving stupid statements a response. I am not going to DEER or argue, but there have been times some AA would have been more effective.
Fitness: Doing 531, all my lifts are going up. I will be at 315 squats by the end of the year, not sure if the DL will get to 405 by then. I've upped by test to 140 per week, and am going to get bloods and keep adjusting from there. I don't want to fuck up my T/E ration and have estrogen fucking with me. I have an AI that I take if nips feel sensitive.
Finances: Focus has been off a little, numbers down accordingly. I have a plan in motion to get really big. I'm making some changes at the office and should be able to really ramp up in the next 6 months.
Dread/Social: I'm still a lazy fuck at this. I usually am only away from the wife 1 night per week. I just don't like to do shit most weeknights, and then are weekends are usually couple/family activities.
Readings: TWOTSM is what I'm on now. It really ties together all this shit the vets say around here. I like it.
Sex: I get it 2x per week, but I'm not happy with how things are. It is vanilla and fairly routine and I'm bored and feeling stuck. I want some dirty talk, some kinkier shit. I know if anything is going to change it will be ALL on me and I will also get pushback along the way. I need to stop holding back in and out of the bedroom with shit I want to do and say. Something I also notice around here is how many people try to do no FAP. I don't think that's a good idea for me. If I haven't had sex in a couple of days I start following the wife around like a lost puppy, so if I just get the edge off I can actually think straight and not be a needy little bitch.
man_in_the_world 5y ago
STFUing a shit test isn't frame.
SoggyTrain 5y ago
Goddamnit.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
frame_is_the_game 5y ago
I’m struggling with this exact situation myself, albeit at a younger age than you and single.
I do things that I think will make other people like me, not necessarily because I like them myself. What has been helping me separate what I actually want from what I think people want to see from me is would I do this if no one else knew about it? Would I workout if no one knew? Fuck yea! Would I go hiking? Fuck yea! Would I still practice guitar! Fuck yea! Would I go to a museum or art gallery? Probably not. Would I go bowling? Probably not.
If you put yourself in a mindset of being alone literally doing something only for you, you really stop and think about what you actually want to do for yourself.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Checkout the subtle art of giving a fuck. Look for the fuck yeses in your life. If you have none of them, re-evaluate your mindset.
dwebsterlight 5y ago
The crime I committed was an “emotional affair” over a decade ago. My wife continues to bring it up occasionally ( a lot recently ) and is in the same mindset now as when it was going on. Limited trust and no intimacy. I’ve certainly tried to break that cycle but haven’t had any success.
part_wolf 5y ago
Your wife needs to understand three things, for her sake:
I get the trust issues, and your wife is entitled to her feelings but how she manages them is what's critical here. This strikes me as bold-faced manipulation. At this point, it seems like she's not going to take the initiative to change her behavior. Either she trusts you or she doesn't - that's her decision.
Most of the other guys here are telling you to pull the plug, but I can tell you from experience that this is totally fixable - if you do the work. Your wife does not feel safe having an emotional connection with you, and she doesn't trust your frame is stable enough for her to step into. That's why she doesn't want to fuck you.
The common wisdom is to observe her actions, not her words - but you've fucked that up. Virtually all of your posts are about what your wife says and what your wife does. It's not about her at all.
Your lack of progress is due to your lack of self-awareness. You're way too focused on what your wife is doing and obsessed with these random guys that keep throwing attention at her. If you fix those things, you'll be much happier and you'll be closer to having the relationship you want. That may or may not be with your wife, but either way the current state is not sustainable (for either of you).
You can't control your wife or anything she does. Instead of criticizing, just tell her what you do and don't like or what you can and can't accept. If she shows gratitude and appreciation for you and that's what you like, throw some praise out there. Figure out what kind of relationship you want to have (or if you want one at all), figure out what you need to do get there, and work hard on being that person every single day. That's it.
Take control of your mind, do a thorough inventory of yourself and your life, and focus on fixing your own shit.
dwebsterlight 5y ago
Thanks for taking the time and for the perspective. I was a dancing monkey for many months into this, and I’m still really driven by whether I’m getting sex or not so I focus on her too much.
The past two weeks have made me look at this issue more closely. A lot of guys on her cite a date when they swallowed the pill but for me it has been more like how a snake eats it’s food. I know when I started seeing things differently, when I accepted some of it, and I’m just now starting to feel like the digestion is starting.
Basically, I haven’t finished the short term MAP I created yet and need to keep working that before I launch any nukes. You are right. My MAP needs to include some more decisions on what I want/personal development, and not just accomplishments with a little bit of frame/game improvement thrown in.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
Bring it to finality.
Persaeus 5y ago
others have no right to judge you aside from action of staying or leaving.
not sure why you're putting up with this years later. either she gets over it and moves onward and upward or she GTFO
[deleted] 5y ago
Oys #1. Will do till #50 no matter what. No fuckups.
Not married. I love mrp and you guys for being so upfront about things and changing stuff around.
Age 19. 71 kgs. Deadlift 120 kgs. Bench 80 kgs. Squat 95 kgs.
Reading:
Would not fuck around as much and would seriously give atleast 20 good minutes to reading everyday. Will read and complete meditations by Marcus before oys 3.
Physical :
was on a trip. So body really deteriorated. Will eat properly once I get back. 6 eggs in the evening and oats and fruits,will eat 5 times at regular intervals.
Social:
I lead a group of my fellow students and we work together to get movies to our university. It is a lot of work and teaches us a lot about networking and talking to people in general. Also gives a huge boost watching people work for me and follow what I say. Also requires time and effort to think about what work should be distributed and have to think ahead in the future.
Relationship :
Long distance LTR is not going well but I don't want to lose her as she is a stable pussy I have back in town. Also I have fucked her really hard last time and I don't think anyone else would be a better love to her, so she would think 100s of time before leaving me. Still talking everyday becomes boring and I ask her to send nudes instead of normal pics and she refuses. Will come strong about this next time.
Currently some girl in my college likes me and I would see if we can hookup for the first time this week.
I am afraid of cold approaches and all the girls I know in my college right now are because of my cold approaches and the output of my cold approach have always gone really well, I'm still afraid of doing them and keep finding excuses.
This week, I'll cold approach atleast 2 girls.( Non sexual atleast).
See you next week people.!
GoingOnAJourney 5y ago
You'll fuck up plenty. Get used to it.
Read Models by Mark Manson. You're only 19 and having found this place have opportunities many of us wish we had had at that age. This book will help you get past approach anxiety.
[deleted] 5y ago
hey /u/goingonajourney, thanks for your advice.
I have read models. I am trying not to read so much now and live my life more. Yes! I feel so too. Knowing how things around me are working does make me feel good about working towards having a better future instead of doing random shit with no purpose and being confused.
GWARY54 5y ago
Long distance LTR is just a plate. Spin more plates my man
[deleted] 5y ago
Broke up with her. Yes, I will.
JustAboutDone3070 5y ago
OYS #2
6’2 210lbs (22% naval) Married 9 years , 1 child
Readings: I picked up Rational Male as well as 31 days to Masculinity. Will start reading these today/tomorrow.
Physical/Health-
I received results to a full blood scan yesterday. Everything is where it should be, blood pressure is good as well.
Back (discs) continues to bother me. This is from an injury 10 years ago that put me out of commission for 2-3 months. Picking up/supporting anything over 90 pounds is very uncomfortable. I’ve talked with a doctor about my options, I’m hesitant to see a Chiro as I think that did more damage then good 10 years ago. Currently I’m considering taking a lay-off from the weights and maybe easing back in on machines. Sucks for sure.
I have been a Light tobacco user most of my last 20 years, social and at work. This has disrupted my mood when at home and makes me always want to snack. I slipped with a couple cigs this last month, but will keep up with the quitting. Most of the cravings and rage are gone at this point.
Fitness/Diet-
I’m setting a defined goal at this point, 190lbs @ 15%. I’m hoping short layoff from the heavy lifting will let my back heal up a bit. I’ll work on stretching and some core exercises. I began logging my calories again yesterday and will be going low carb/keto. This type of eating works well for me and I’ve used it plenty the last 15 years. It’s easy, makes me more disciplined and my mood and overall well being seems to be better when off the carbs.
I like my size at the moment and going down to 185/190 is going to make me feel much smaller. Will be an adjustment for sure and then I’ll have to likely buy more clothes again. Hoping less weight on the spine will help with my back as well.
Social-
The last week or two I have really increased chatting up people... whether it’s random people at the facility I work at or people in or outside of store and what not. It’s very easy most of the time.
Family Life-
Pretty good times with my son as of late. I’m trying to find more physical activities we can engage in. I’m also making it a point to have him come with me to the “hardware store” and give me a hand when working on things around the house. He’s anxious and fearful at times, I know i have been a poor example to him in the past. I need to be solid, firm and unwavering to bring stability to his life.
Relationship-
I had updated my first OYS last week with updating my behavior. After some reading and introspect I came to the conclusion that I may have been coming off needy at times. I was not having abundance mentality and probably giving a fuck too much. My adjustment brought changes that I liked, but by the end of the week with an upcoming social event, pms and a skin breakout my wife was beginning to lose her shit. She accused me of sending pics to other women, called me a jerk/selfish, was ranting about being overwhelmed and having too much to do, says she’s the only one who works on our relationship and that I don’t care. Most of which was laughable; I could see what was happening, I fogged and AA as much as possible. My mistake is I should have just removed myself from the house. She was relentless and kept coming for it, I caught myself DEERING a few times and quickly corrected my course. Eventually I expressed to her that I was not going to keep dealing with these “ups and downs” in our relationship and I was tired of the cycle. I don’t know if this was right, maybe it showed me giving a fuck too much or was beta behavior??? I do know that it pulled her into my frame and she responded later with wanting to do what makes me happy. I responded with wanting to her to do what is going to make her feel happy and she maintained that making me happy, makes her feel good. Since then he has been a bit sweeter/more submissive.
Goals
JustAboutDone3070 5y ago
I keep reading everyone here saying 15 percent will change the dynamic. Sure, I’d like sex a little more available, but this isn’t just about sex for me.
Will the decreased body fat help bring my wife more into my frame?
My wife is at least 60lbs overweight maybe more... (my fault I know) Do I need to use some caution even with passive dread?
I’m often confused about how much comfort I should be giving, without coming off as needy or being too focused on her.
I’d really appreciate some thoughts or input here.
DeWittorComstock 5y ago
I was hovering around 20% body fat for the past 10 years and recently dropped to around 15%. The biggest changes I have noticed have been in my own mindset. Loosing the weight helped me build discipline and better habits that have spilled over to other parts of my life. I will admit that all my weight loss was not only due to those better habits, but it was a key factor in success. I also noticed that once I hit 15% I was able to really see a difference in my physic and that reward has helped me push through the grind in other areas. Finally, losing the weight has boosted my confidence in my looks and that confidence is paying dividends in other areas of my life.
Has this weight loss brought my wife into my frame? That is a shitty question that you should not be worrying about. Focus on not sucking right now. You are a fat fuck and you need to change that.
I will say that I have noticed that my wife is expressing concern about her own weight more often so I am doing what I can to help her. I may be missing the mark on comfort here, but I avoid telling her that she is a healthy weight (she is not, she needs to loose some weight) and instead I try to help/lead her by setting a good example by always eating healthy, planning healthy meals for us, making sure we do not have junk food around the house, and encouraging her when she is doing good. She has lost some weight so far, but I am leaving it up to her find the drive to lose more if she wants.
Has the weigh loss increased dread? Probably. Other people have commented on my weight loss so I am sure she has noticed the change. Ultimately, I have not concerned myself with how she is reacting to any of this. I was a fat fuck and I wanted to change it.
It is also important to remember that hitting 15% isn't some magic finish line. You still need to lose more weight if you want a great body and it takes continuous work to just maintain that 15%.
additionalpie4 5y ago
OYS #14
OYS #13
Stats: 35yo, 6’3”, 198lbs, BF 15% (Navy), SQ = 150lbs / BN = 160lbs / DBR = 60lbs / OHP = 95lbs / DL = 195lbs, WAS Married 13ys (together 17). 3yr old kid. Divorced couple months.
Reading List: Finished NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, SGM, StepMonster & Pook. Currently Reading RM V1 (25%).
Follow Up: I only made it to the gym 2 of my 3 scheduled days. I did read about 25% of of RM last week. I watched some more lifting videos and trying to improve my technique. I also decided to deload from 110 to 90 on OHP lifts.
Physical: Still skinny fat (man boobs are gone but no visible abs). On maintenance calories while lifting. I am still WAF. Lifting with SL5x5, I my form is SHIT across the board, but I have been watching Alan Thrall videos as suggested. I am also working with some HITT cardio and distance cardio when I have less time. Lastly I added pull ups (currently can rep 2) No drugs (17yrs sober), nicotine (7yrs sober), porn (19 months sober) or regular coffee (7 months sober). I drank alcohol twice last week, one beer during pool league and quite a few on Saturday during our local college football game. I rested my back by not increasing SQ or DL this past week and my back is feeling much better. I should be increasing my lifts for my next OYS. My bench has always been my workhorse and I finally hit some struggling reps on Saturday mornings gym session, I am hoping that it was because I skipped a day.
Finances: Love my Job. Still have a crazy budget with the divorce, lawyers, and this probably won’t settle until house sells and new house is bought, this should be completed in January 2020. I am starting to save an extra bit of money beyond my emergency savings to help with the move and few big expenses coming up such as Christmas for the kid.
Relationships: This section is going to get some extra attention this week because I really need to put some of this into words and get it out of my head, sorry in advance for the victim puke. I already know my answer is I need to do what I want, so I got to figure that part out. First off, my kid and I had a pretty good week, we went to church, relaxed at home, packed some things from the house, he helped with some chores and we just bonded. I got some good guy time at pool league and church while I was serving. We went out for lunch after and had some good laughs.
Now, my sexual relationship life took a bit of a turn this past week. Two ladies that I dated 3-4 months ago both resurfaced this week. I have been dating one lady for the last 3 months. This has turned into an exclusive relationship mainly out of me not pursuing other options, convenience, laziness and I like her and the value she has been adding to my life (sex, validation, submissive to me, companionship and has great mom skills). Sex life is fantastic, best of my life on command, willing to do anything I can imagine, seems like true desire on her part and bonus sucks like a hover. Some red flags I see, she has two toddlers, rode the CC in her 20s, is currently 33 and scared to go to church with my ex.
Prom date, quick backstory we caught up, found out we were both separated and had some fun. Pros are a she’s a little crazy, sex was crazy and has a fantastic paying job. Cons are she has two kids, she is 33, rode the CC hard and probably still is, currently going through divorce, lives 2 hrs away and I think is bat shit crazy. We blew up after I told her I would not be exclusive with her. This go-round, I think her branch broke and wanted to swing back to me. She texted that she missed me, wanted a chance and wanted to make us work. I informed her that I am still dating one lady, but we could start talking again. She said that she was glad I was happy and told me to get in touch if that ever changes. I think this one is easy because prom date seemed to be a little crazy, like has a chance to claim rape charge against me if I leave type of crazy.
Lawyer lady came back into my picture last week too. Quick backstory, we met on Bumble and got close until I told her that my divorce would not be finalized until August. She asked that I contact her once my life is settled. So, I moved on and found one lady about a week later. Lawyer lady’s pros are she would be an instant social status upgrade, seems like a quality/socialite lady, has a fantastic well-paying job, very smart, and the youngest of the 3 at age 29. Cons are we haven’t progressed to sex yet, she rode the CC after her divorce for about a year and doesn’t seem to be that submissive. This past week, I got an e-mail from Match and it had lawyer lady’s picture on it. I still had an old account and I chatted her up. We caught back up and she really wants to move into a dating relationship with me, now my divorce has been finalized. We have been talking, I informed her of one lady. She wants exclusivity to move forward. I told her one lady deserves a face to face breakup and it would be a bit.
Goals: LIFT, READ, STFU. Keep my schedule of morning lifts on TRS, then MWF read, STFU and read more every day. Get me right, spend a lot of time with the kid and become more attractive. Some short-term goals are to continue watching Alan Thrall videos and go through my past OYS posts to look at my history to help me figure out what I really want.
dwebsterlight 5y ago
A little early to get locked down again with the lawyer?
I know I wouldn’t jump into an exclusive but I haven’t been in that position yet.
coachdad8 5y ago
OYS #10
38 yrs old, 6'2", 185 lbs, sub 10% BF, 225lb bench, 305lb squat. Wife 37, together 17 years, married 11 yrs, 4 kids under 8 yrs old. RP 2 years.
Business: Busier this week since we're ramping up for the Xmas season rush which is the hot season for retail so our vendors are expanding inventory. That means longer hours than normal, maybe 25-30 hours instead of 15-20 hours.
Lifting: Stronglifts Program 3x a week with a fitgirl from the gym, CrossFit WOD 2x a week with my wife. Weight up a few lbs already thanks to creatine+lifting+mass gainer shakes. Did a CrossFit workout with the wife and Gym Chad last week and I crushed both of them and it felt great.
Marriage: TL;DR: Still trying to figure out how to balance my social calendar with my wife's need for emotional attention. The last year I've been so busy with my fun, exciting life that a month ago my wife found Gym Chad, approached him, and secretly texted him all day to get her feelz.
It's clear she wanted validation and attention so I have to step up and make some effort to provide that. First 2 weeks were easy as I focused on her needs. We texted every couple hours, we went on day dates, I asked her how her day went and listened to her, and at night we would hold hands for a few minutes and talk about what we are feeling. But this was never a long-term solution as I can't spend several hours each day making sure she isn't bored. I told her last week that she needs to spend more time doing stuff she likes and not feel guilty. Her solution to being bored wasn't to try a new hobby or call up a mom for a playdate, it was to text Gym Chad which is why she still hasn't planned anything for herself, because she has no idea what she likes to do. For 17 years she's been happily living in my shadow and has never taken any initiative to discover her wants. She even told me one reason she approached him was to "have something of my own away from you."
To her credit, she has planned lots of activities for us throughout the week like hikes, tennis, etc. but I'm starting to remember why I spend so much time away from her - because she has difficulty entertaining herself and so that burden falls to me and it's tiresome after a while. Last night I was up trying to figure out how to balance all my social activities, hobbies, and friendships while still being engaged with my wife. I tend to fall into the trap of swinging one way or the other - either barely noticing her or tirelessly entertaining her. She cried last week and said, "You always enjoy hanging out until you get bored with me and move on, then I get lonely."
Bottom line is this week I need to re-engage my activities and move past the worry that if I don't keep her excited all day she'll find another Gym Chad. I need to internalize that it's not my job to create her happiness. I can't give her the feelz 12 hours a day. And I can't feel guilty about enjoying my life.
Sex: Everyday she either plans sex or initiates and she's already planned sex for today and tomorrow. I think this stems from her desire for emotional connection. She's also done several things that in the last few years she called "dirty and off limits". If the trend continues much longer (we've had sex 26 out of 32 days), I'll run out of ideas and have to resort to the Kama Sutra or something.
Spiritual: Haven't watched porn in over a month. Hope I never go back. Went up to the top of a mountain and spent 6 hours praying and reading the Bible. It was wonderful and I felt very at peace and all my anxiety was gone. That is until I walked back into my house that evening and saw my wife and kids. She was frustrated with the kids, the kids were yelling, one was crying, no one had taken a bath and dinner wasn't ready. So all the stress and BS hit me in the face along with the realization that this season of my life is crazy stressful and not going to change and I can't escape it. Handling 4 young children is tough and my wife's needs aren't making it any easier.
Lastly, wife and I started a little Bible study together. I pick out chapters to read for the week and we both take notes then get together and discuss. First time was Friday and it went WAY better than I expected. She had pages of notes and lots of personal stuff she wanted to share which was unusual because my wife is extremely introverted and never shares anything personal or emotional. I think 30+ years of bottling up her feelings and never looking inwardly has really screwed up her mindset. Now that she's opened the door a little and started sharing her emotions, she really likes the way it makes her feel and the intimacy it creates. Good move on my part and I also really enjoy that time as it's really the first time in our relationship that she's opened up!
Any advice or notes are welcome.
sea-tease 5y ago
"She was frustrated with the kids, the kids were yelling, one was crying, no one had taken a bath and dinner wasn't ready"
This is on you. Get your house under control. And yes, I have four kids. Yelling is never an option. Expressing emotions, yes.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
Excellent that you're doing this. For your own personal study, check out 1 Timothy 3 and apply the requirements for "overseer", "bishop" and "deacon" to yourself, as well as "elders" in Titus 1. As an MRP man, that is the standard for running your household.
coachdad8 5y ago
Studying 1 Timothy chap 1-3 this week with the wife.
threekindsoflucky 5y ago
OYS
A short one this week as it was mostly uneventful
Fitness
Weight is fluctuating but slowly increasing. Lifts are increasing at the gym. Still a lot of room to improve, but progress is being made.
My passion for BJJ is coming back. After taking time away I wasn’t feeling it anymore, but a few weeks back and I’m enjoying it again. Still going twice a week, but progress is feeling slow. There is so much to learn and to get right.
Babysitting
I had my niece around on the weekend for the night. She’s ten years old and has been asking for a sleepover for years now. Picked her up, took her out to an arcade gaming place for a few hours, got dinner and then watched a movie with her before bed. She demanded my attention for the whole time, but she was nice, it was easy and no hassle. Gave me a taste of what it would be like to be a parent, although obviously it is different with your own kids. I gave her all my time because it’s a treat for her to come over and spend time with her uncle and aunty. It was actually quite enjoyable.
Covert contracts
There was another week long dry spell, but this time I dealt with it better. With the understanding from last week, there was no irritation, no bullshit, and no covert contracts. I was watching myself carefully. The little voice would pipe up now and then, but I ignored it. I’m pleased with how I handled it.
There was a sudden and unexpected bout of tears from my wife on the weekend, and trust issues were brought up again. I provided comfort and let her get it all out. It seemed to be more ‘conclusive’ than the last few times it’s been brought up, as if she may have finally moved past it. The dynamic seems better between us since then. Strangely, I didn’t feel much during the whole conversation, other than vaguely sympathetic. It wasn’t a big deal to me. I only mention it as it was an interesting event. Sex ensued shortly after.
Self-reflection
Perhaps I’m being too understanding with the trust issues. My gut feel is that there may be one or two minor events to come, but most of it is over. It’s my choice to put up with it, but it was also my choice to lie. Having said that it’s not really playing on my mind as a problem. It's all alright.
I’m feeling content. Still giving and receiving value. Gained some good insight from last week. Improving and moving forward.
Iammrp2 5y ago
You did good. She was saying "can I trust you with my emotions?" You were an oak and you let her give/express emotion.
It's like the yin and yang. She gives emotion, you receive, then you give and she receives.
I see a lot of men here fail these tests. They mistake NMMNG for controlling asshole. cough /u/Daddy_ThunderCock
threekindsoflucky 5y ago
My changes have been slow and gradual so when I look back to how I would've handled things like this previous I find it hard to remember.
I would've been overly empathetic and apologetic. I'd keep saying reassuring, apologetic things until I stumble upon one that hits the mark. Anything to make the emotions go away.
I was more of a sponge rather than an oak. Soak it all up and hope I can soak up enough that it goes away. That's not comforting. That's a man who just wants the fee fees to go away. He can't be trusted with her emotions.
In my anger stage I would've acted that she has no right to her emotions and if she wishes to express them I don't care I have better things to spend my time on.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
This is good. Your default mode should be sympathy.
​
​
That right there is the danger - you want to believe it's starting to turn the corner and when she pulls back you are going to react, backslide and lose frame.
threekindsoflucky 5y ago
And has been my biggest failing. Empathy was my default. Too much empathy and you end up caught up in their emotions (as outlined in that link) and reacting.
Certainly something I thought about. The option I have is to put my foot down and make it clear that this behaviour is no longer acceptable. I have that card I can play if I deem it necessary. I would prefer to let it play out and settle on its own. The firm card is one I can play at any time. I'm not unhappy with how its playing out so I haven't felt the need to play it, but I have it up my sleeve if it reaches a point that I deem unacceptable. But I won't lie and say that I have no fear of doing that.
BostonBrakeJob 5y ago
My man...
The stoic in you is coming through this week. Some good groundwork is getting done. Begs the question...what do you want to build on it?
threekindsoflucky 5y ago
And its not something I am actively deciding to do, it just is. Can't fake congruence.
I honestly don't know. There is a lot of potential. I'd like to see if it remains a relatively consistent state, and then consider my options for the next steps forward. At this stage I don't know what those steps would look like. I'll have to reflect on it.
Nursing_Father_ 5y ago
OYS 3
7th October 2019
AGE *29, Single, Height 5ft8, Weight 82Kg.*
LIFE GOAL.
Be the best I can possibly
Be a man that is worthy of emulation.
READINGS
NMMNG, WISNIFG, Ego is the Enemy (My Bible), The ways of Men, HTWFAIP, Discipline is Freedom, Meditations, Book of Pook, Unfuck yourself, the manipulated man, Model, the nine laws, Redpill Handbook, Compound effect, Practical female Psychology, 10X rule, Tao of Leadership, 48 Laws of Power, Iron John, MMSLP, Mastery, https://illimitablemen.com/archives/.
CURRENT READINGS:
Steele’s guide to MRP (links). The rabbit hole is really deep. One link keeps leading to another.
Book of pook (audio). I am yet to re-read HTWFAIP.
I got an apartment and I have been running around trying to get all necessary registration done. Before the end of the week, I should be pretty much settled.
PHYSICAL/ HEALTH
Nothing much. I set a goal of running down and up the hilly road in the place I was staying. I have been pushing at it for three weeks. I did it the very morning I was going to pack out of my apartment.
No push up or workout. I really struggled to get up early in the morning.
MENTAL / SPIRITUAL
It been a really good week. I was able to maintain a positive attitude. And everything just more or less went my way. I meditated every day.
I am not a basketball guy but I mistakenly ran into https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3NVmn51zE0 and I can’t stop watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2rvhaQOnt4. I feel the clips are talking to me. I am not sure if it is about my mental strength or about my career.
CAREER AND FINANCE
School resumes fully.
My department organized a meeting between new student and the professors. After the meeting, I exchanged glance with a professor thrice so I approached him. we talked and I told him about my struggle to map out a career plan. He suggested I focus on performing well in the master’s program and put effort into getting an internship. And my career path will find me.
I was able to get the needed documents for me to start applying for a part time job.
SOCIAL/HOBBIES
I went clubbing with two friends on Friday night and it was fun. I danced really hard some guys paid for my drinks. We had to leave earlier because Saturday was going to be busy and one of my friends claimed he was racially abused. It was an overall awesome experience and I honestly needed the chill.
I went to a friend’s church and I played the keyboard. That felt really good too.
I went to a pub and I noticed some guys with a girl were staring at me. I took it as an invitation so I joined them. We talked and one of them made a remark about my physique and how strong Africans are. I said its just a myth and I challenged the lady to an arm wrestling to prove Africans are not always strong. We pushed and pulled for some minutes and she won. I exchanged number with the AMOG and the girl. I told her I will like to see her again soon.
GAME
I didn’t know what I had was approach anxiety until u/LongRoad_518. Awareness is half the battle.
I talked to two different girls. We ran into each other at the bus station, had some small talk. It was very smooth and that was that.
I saw a girl I could have approached but I didn’t. So, I took a moment and ask myself “why not”? I honestly don’t know. But I know I can do it. Maybe I just need more time.
No Masturbation or Porn. I intended to keep it that way till I’m sure I have dealt with my approach anxiety. And when that is done, I know I won’t be needing porn or masturbation anyways.
​
GOING FORWARD (This week)
Get a gym membership.
Start haunting for a part time job.
Make a research about programming languages for Economist and start learning.
Do some research into job openings and see what different qualifications places ask for.
Continue Steele´s guide to MRP.
Keep going out of my comfort zone to talk to new girls.
MeanPhysics 5y ago
Stop lying to yourself that you're trying. If you're not even able to get out of bed on time to start your day, you've got no chance at making any meaningful change in your life.
You have two options:
*edit: grammar
Nursing_Father_ 5y ago
I still wake up 5:30 every morning. I meant its harder because of the cold but i still do it.
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
​
"Africans aren't always strong - here, let me show you how weak I am by arm wrestling a girl and losing." So you proved you were weaker than her and then exchanged numbers with her AND the guy? Why? This is pathetic.
Nursing_Father_ 5y ago
Just playing with her and it was pretty obvious . One of them even suggested she use two hand.
The guy said he would like to work out with me. He recommended a fitness studio. I exchanged number with the girl for the sake of exchanging number.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
MillionaireSexbomb 5y ago
I think this was a decent response, you had a little fun with them, engaged them on a level that wasn’t serious. The real question is, are you going to follow through with the guy and build from there? Hard to gauge from the context if he was serious or not, but if you’re building your group hard to go wrong with a gym bro you put in sweat with.
Nursing_Father_ 5y ago
Thanks for the response. I got my gym membership yesterday and I sent him a message. He responded positively but if i had learned something in the past few years, it is that, when it comes to hardwork, Guys just talk and they do nothing. So I'm not banking on him following through.
MillionaireSexbomb 5y ago
I think you’re thinking too far ahead on this. Set the time and date and go from there and make sure it’s not boring shit, see how serious he is from there and gauge next steps whether it be a friendship outside the gym or something you can do inside it too.
Nursing_Father_ 5y ago
Wow... thanks alot. I will do just that
MillionaireSexbomb 5y ago
Yeah man. Doesn’t matter what the activity is, what matters is y’all doing it together and having fun. Good luck
Rddtthrawy 5y ago
OYS #8
Stats:
34, Married 5 years, 2 kids.
6 foot 2, 82.6kg. BF 18% (navy)
Read: sidebar, MAP, MMSLP, WISNIFG, some Rollo, pook, all top posts of MRP and countless others.
OYS
Still owning my shit. Things get done when they need to. No hanging around. Things I would usually put off til a better time just get done. Big jobs, awkward jobs, shit is done.
Google assistant is a really good help here for when I see a job I don't have time for then. Without GA I'd always forget.
STFU
I've gone back to basics. Reading about STFU. Starting here. Need to keep my emotions in check. I control them then no one controls me.
I've been thinking things over in my head and trying to unfuck it. I'm thinking back on times when my wife has said something and I've blurted out vomit. I'm trying to understand what her words made me feel and why. My reasoning for this is when she says something again and I feel the same feeling, it'll be easier to assess the situation as I should be aware of why I feel like I do and not just DEER. I'll see how this goes for a week and calibrate next week.
I tried a bit if A&A when she was complaining about me going to work out in the morning.
She was saying how she doesn't get a minute to herself in the morning. To put this in to context, she was on her second cuppa and still sat by the back door having a vape, the same spot she had been since she came downstairs. All the while I had been with the kids.
So after she said that, I agreed that she must find it tough drinking her tea and having a smoke, all with a smile and no seriousness to it. She did not appreciate that. Maybe I fannied out and should of kept going to get her to break and laugh or whatever. Next time I decided I would push it. The conversation ended there anyway because I was on my way to workout.
A few days later I had my opportunity. It has been her first week back at work after a year off on maternity and I have been working late shift this week so haven't had much time together. She's been telling me she misses me. On a Friday I finish early. I suggested we watch a movie when I get in.
Correct me if I'm wrong but she then comfort tested me by asking me why do I want to watch a movie and not talk the first night we have together. I STFU. I'm taking that positive. It was my first reaction instead of spewing deer shit everywhere. I was thinking of what to say. She asked me why I'm not saying anything. I said in a jokey way with my arm round her and a smile that the truth was she was boring and I'd rather watch a movie. She asked again why I thought it was a good idea. I answered the same. She asked why I'm being a knob, I STFU like a sperg and panicked. Told her i like date nights where we have a kiss and a cuddle and watch a movie (which is the truth). I know she doesn't. She doesn't like spending our time together watching stuff if we haven't had a lot of time together. So I failed that test. I explained myself. How could I of handled that better?
Straight after that we were cool.
Her hamster obviously liked what it had eaten though because she tested me again about 20 mins later.
We were talking about her diet and how she wants to lose X amount of weight by the time we go away with our friends. She said she wants to look good in her bikini.
Now, from experience, she does not wear bikinis around our friends or even people we know. She wears a tankini in them situations. From that thinking I asked how come you'll be wearing a bikini. What's wrong with me wearing a bikini? Was her reply. Won't i look good etc. My response was that I didn't want our outfits to match. She said why don't you go to work. I looked at the time and it was time to go so I left.
In that situation I think I should of told her to stop being a dick. In fact she has told me before that when she is being a bit hormonal or a general dick that I should call her out on it. I should of done that. Would that of been a correct response? Or should I of comforted her?
When I came in from work she was cool with me but did bring up the movie thing. Funnily enough she was watching a movie when I came in! She was calm and just talked so I explained again how I like cuddles and watching a movie and that was the end of it. She never mentioned the bikini though.
If she's being calm and talking rationally and not being a knob, is it ok to explain things? I'm not really sure what to do in that situation?
One thing I have learned from this situation and going through it is that before I would of deer'd big time and we would of end up arguing. This time there was no argument and I also realised I actually did nothing wrong. The arguement we would of had would of been because I deer'd. Not because of the situation that preceded it.
LIFTS
Had a fucker on shoulder press, the bar was just a little too heavy for me. What I noticed is that I was fucking my form to try push the last couple of reps out. I'm not strong enough for that weight, next week I'm going to drop down a few kilos and make sure my form is spot on at that weight before progressing again.
MISC
Generally I've been in a fantastic mood all week and just really happy. My daughter said how I'm a fun dad and I have noticed she wants to play with me more.
There's been no moaning from me about anything, even when my daughter has been acting up I stay calm and just talk to her.
Good week from my perspective.
Flynnjacklepappy 5y ago
This is passive aggressive, not A&A. Making shitty comments like this will only hurt any attraction she may have for you.
Should’ve ended after the first word out of her mouth. Don’t DEER about working out. Invite her along if you want but fuck what she thinks about you going to the gym. You’re better off STFU until you can grasp A&A. Kiss her on the forehead with a smile and leave.
She doesn’t like watching a movie because it’s boring and she knows you are just trying to get some affection. Stop asking for kisses and cuddles. Take her out and do something fun. Go for a hike. Get her blood pumping.
This is exactly how you should be treating your wife as well. She is the oldest child in the house. She wants a calm leader. A man who doesn’t react poorly to her little emotional outbursts. Think about how your daughter responds to your calm demeanor and try that with your wife.
SBIII 5y ago
Cut back on being so retarded.. women crave time and attention and thrive on feelz. You're not providing any of those things.
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A perfect chance to give her attention.. you tell her you want to see her in a bikini but that it probably wouldn't be on her very long. Tell her that her friends will be jealous when they see her looking smoking hot. Give her some form of attention.. not this sperg answer..
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Christ. She WANTS to look good in a fucking bikini. Tell her that she's going to look good in a fucking bikini. Tell her that she'll look so hot that you'll lose control, rip the fucking bikini off her and fuck her brains out.
It's that fucking simple.
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Perfect time to provide some leadership, IMO.
Failed.
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She is blatantly telling you that she wants to spend time with you. That she wants your time and attention. So what do you do.. get a sitter and organse something fun to do? Dinner, drinks, meet up with some friends? Go bowling? Do a guided tour? Take a midnight hike? Skinny dip in a lake by moonlight?
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Nope.. fucking Netflix and a footrub.
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This is fucking gay as fuck.
Stop being such a fucking retard and start acting like a man - a man who can provide fun and adventure, tingles and feelz. Not an autistic STFU / A&A retard whose idea of a good night is watching a Jenniffer Aniston movie with a bowl of Ben & Jerrys and a blanket over you like a fucking 13 year old schoolgirl.
Rddtthrawy 5y ago
I am a retard when it comes to opening my mouth sometimes. It just comes out. I'm realising how deep STFU goes.
I have taken leadership here before, I've used CICO to drop a couple of stone over the last 2 years. I've offered her advice and support plenty of times but she thinks she knows what she's doing. It's her choice what she does now, I'll just lead by example.
I am a retard. I've been making my goals this week to provide tingles and feelz.
Love your reply. Thanks man. I appreciate your help.
weakandsensitive 5y ago
Way too many "She" statements. "She" statements don't matter.
Rddtthrawy 5y ago
Noted. OYS posts will be about me and my goals/thoughts.
Cam_Winston21 5y ago
When in doubt, a good rule of thumb to follow is to only increase weight when you can complete 12 reps with perfect form. Most gym injuries come from people trying to lift too many pounds/kgs, not from too many reps.
BarracudaRP 5y ago
Agreed - but Isn't 12 reps too high? Most guys here are running 5x5 variations, and bumping weights up when they can hit that or a little more. I don't know that I could do that same weight at 12 reps for any exercise.
Cam_Winston21 5y ago
Depends on your goals. 8-12 reps + volume builds muscle, 5 reps builds strength. And, no, 12 reps is not too high.
Most guys here are newbies & use Starting Strength to get things going & learn the ins & outs of lifting or they're guys looking to increase their lifts. Either way, if your form isn't on target, there will be a price to pay sooner or later. If your form is off at 5 reps, you're using too much weight and an injury is just around the corner.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
A tactic often used in interrogation is to ask the same question over and over. The reason is because most people feel like they have to follow the "rules" of conversation...and this particular rule goes like this:
You're not allowed say same thing twice. It's rude.
The interogatee is so panicked by a repeat question, that they go ahead and change their answer to the truth, or what they think the interrogator wants to hear. All the while ignoring the fact that the same question was asked twice.
She broke the rule first. She asked the same question twice. You are allowed to answer the same answer twice. It's called broken record.
This is textbook negative inquiry. Did she read WISNIFG? Did you? It sounds like she's two steps ahead of you. Step 1: She knows it. Step 2: she's applying it.
Rddtthrawy 5y ago
I have read it. Loved it.
She's really good at breaking things down and her point of view being the right thing.
You're right about the NI. It's good to get me to deer. I've started using it on her now when she tests me. It works quite well on her compared to fogging. I think it's more of a right tool for the right situation but NI is working to stifle situations.
Blarg_Risen 5y ago
Tell me. When you hear and employ OI, AA, NI, and broken record and the like...do you view them as something that is "working"?
If so, follow up: What are your thoughts on pickup lines?
Rddtthrawy 5y ago
I view them as a tool to keep my control of a conversation; specifically to not deer.
So in that sense I guess I see them as working. Pickup lines are pointless.
WeightsNCheatDates 5y ago
OYS 21
Background: age 29, married 2 years, together 4. Wife 33. Stepson 10 (dad not in picture). Discovered RP July 18. Only actually dove in about Oct. 18. NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, MMSLP, Book of Pook, sidebar. Currently re- reading MMMNG. Haven’t had much time for reading this week, but fogging has been at the forefront of my mind all week. Probably because it’s becoming natural.
Physical: 6’1 186 (down 2) Squat 285 Bench 265 DL 375. Out of town for work last week and this week, so doing what I can with 25 lbs dumbbells and a treadmill. Definitely kicking my own ass sweat and cardio wise, but can’t wait to pick up actual weight on the weekend.
Relationship: I was out of town for work half of last week, and wife was out of town with the women in her family this weekend. So that means it was a boys weekend with the stepson. When my wife came back Sunday, it’s not like we jumped all over each other. We’re literally roommates, and I know I am to blame for that for shutting her out. It’s so fucking hard to try and turn on the gaming and sex switch, when deep down I know that’s not what I want.
I’m at a point where I would cheat. But I don’t know if I’m like the dudes in NMMNG who would do everything but cheat, just to get that validation. I don’t need sex, but I want sex.
With us being out of town, there’s not much to report on.
However, me and the stepson had a blast together. Did yard work, went to the park and out to eat together, sat around in our boxers because it’s bros weekend, I think it was good for him to just chill with a man.
Mission/ work/ finances: this is a hard month with all the travel for work. I drive to an event, work the event, then drive to the next town. Not much time to do anything productive, and not much time to get out and have fun. One of the girls I’m traveling with is a smoke show, but she’s a few months pregnant as well. Still gaming the shit out of her for fun.
Finances are good during these weeks because I don’t have any time to spend extra money, and per diem is more than I spend on food.
I’m at a point where I’ve turned a lot of shit in my MAP green. I’m at a pretty high SMV and the only struggles are internally. I am constantly in my own head debating shit in my life, instead of being in the moment. I need to start fucking meditating. This will help me develop deeper goals and figure out what the fuck I want. On the opposite side, it’ll help me stop the constant internal debate.
Goals from last week 1. Get out and game while I’m out of town for work. No just sitting in my hotel room.( went to a brewery last week and chatted with a group. Girl was giving me IOIs sitting next to her boyfriend. He was nice too) 2. Research Dave Ramsey’s envelope technique.(did this, no time to implement) 3. Start 1 long term home project I’ve been talking about.(cleaned out the garage spotless and rearranged shit) 4. Continue to be conscious of my frame around my wife. Remember, I am the prize, we operate in my frame. (As I said above, fogging AA, etc have all been on my mind this week. I am the prize, I get and say what I want).
Goals for this week 1. Have sex with my wife to remember how it feels. 2. Get all of my workouts in. 3. Plan out the weekend since my week is pretty locked in. 4. Find opportunities to game this week.
DirtyNuke 5y ago
OYS 10
Stats
Age 63 Ht 5'11" Wt 164 Wife 65 Married 43 together 46
Reading: 48 LoP
Listening: Art of Seduction
Physical
Added back old-fashioned push-ups to auxiliary exercises. I want to use the mental push of getting over these physical fears ("you'll tear your triceps back off") as practice for getting over other BP conditioning fears.
Mindset- BP Conditioning - Relationship
Thinking thru the warning from u/ChokingDownRP about hysterical bonding, specifically that wife's new behavior won't last. I wanted to operationlize the new level as a standard. Wife has previously never liked or wanted to wear lingerie. As an experiment I got her just a simple purple lace choker to try. So far it has worked surprisingly well, both on her side and on my mental state, with her going all Lisa DeLeeuw (before your time, kids) when she saw herself in the mirror.
There was an "N-Count" discussion over on askMRP - should you LTR/marry someone who had a high N-count before you met them? An alternative question is, what if the n-count happened after you were supposedly already in a LTR/marriage with them? Asking for a friend. More seriously, I am (slowly ) getting more and more "who cares?" mental reactions when my subconscious vomits up this stuff. Not in an "I'm ok with it" sense, but in a "don't you have something more useful to worry about?" sense. I still really haven't effectively internalized the AWALT reality at a personal, visceral level. Intellectually, as an evolutionary model, sure. But my unicorn? Thus the attempt at reprogramming thru mental imagery generated by the purple choker.
Abundance
No change, no progress, no excuses: I know this is the much needed "other 80%" of what I need to change mentally.
Social
No progress
End Goal or at least Next Goal
Habituating the thought of being with "Lisa DeLeeuw" each weekend, and not worrying about "being loved" as /u/man_in_the_world warned.
ChokingDownRP 5y ago
Good that you're pushing boundaries with her. Now stop obsessing about and seeking validation from her response to you. Be your own source of validation.
Similarly, if you're ok staying with someone who cheated on you, move on with it and stop looking back. You may find that it nags at you too much and you can't stay... But the stay plan is the go plan and it does you no good to obsess about it in the meantime.
DirtyNuke 5y ago
I don't think I am ok with it, but I haven't reached the point where I'm enough out of the BP conditioning to responsibly make a decision. Still too much anger, oneitis, etc. Meditation helps. My plan has been physical then abundance / social.
Hobbitrabbit 5y ago
OYS 2. Three weeks in.
Physical
5' 10", 185, 15% BF. Still learning good form on some of the more involved lifts (squats, deadlift, etc) so I'll have numbers on that once I'm confident I can do them right without hurting myself. I go to the gym for an hourish every day to run and do smaller free weights, brother comes with once a week to train with me on the larger stuff. Currently running three miles in 25-30 minutes every day. Doing arms and back stuff with single free weights for 20 minutes. Stairs for ten. I also just got back from a 3 day backpack with my wife where we covered 18 miles in three days. I carried 45lbs of gear. We did around 2k feet of combined vertical.
Reading
Book of pook, MMSLP, Finished Way of the Superior Man yesterday, reading NMMNG right now. Started Sex God Method as well.
Frame
This shit has me fucking way out of my comfort zone. As I mentioned last time my business frame is pretty strong and I've been applying it to how I deal with my wife, but it's becoming more clear to me every day that I have a lot of areas that need work both with her and in my business.
Honestly spooks the fuck out of me sometimes. I can't believe I've let half the shit happen that I have, looking back, and I'm intimidated by the amount of change I have to embody in order to get my shit tracking right. I feel off balance a lot.
I really feel like I'm permanently altering my relationship and while I know it's for the better, my shitty dumbass self likes the comfort I experienced beforehand and keeps telling me to go back to that life. I'm actively choosing to disregard this voice. Push on. Lift. Get good.
However, I am working my ass off on taking a higher degree of ownership over my shit including my seasonal affective. Made an AskMRP post about it yesterday and got my shit kicked in. I earned that. No excuses. I'm meditating every morning, tasking out my day, doing readings, going to the gym. Handling it. It's a weakness and I get to decide if it affects me or not. Need to start deciding that it doesn't.
I'm treating this less and less like a relationship tool and more like a self optimization one. I've really had my paradigm completely shifted and I get disgusted with myself for doing shit that I would have normally defaulted to. Killing the Old Self. It's frustrating and painful. It's necessary and I'm here for it.
Game
Flirting constantly with my wife. Not getting pissy when turned down. Used to do this a lot. I've been getting blowjobs pretty much whenever I want them. Had sex last time I initiated, which was in the morning on Sunday. I'd consider it a win as the last time we had morning sex was probably in 2016.
She's generally becoming more receptive to my touching her sexually as well, which is awesome. This area is going very well, much better than it was before I started. Lots more I would like to happen... But everything in time. Need to work on my frame first.
Relationship
Honestly going better. I'm passing shit tests. Like a decent amount of them. Actively being aware of when I start to DEER and shutting up as soon as I feel that particular compulsion. Having a harder time determining the difference between a comfort and shit test. Wife has anxiety and anxiety pukes at me a lot. I realize this is my shit to take responsibility for as well. I'm kind of trial and error-ing my way through handling those moments effectively. I sort of default to the shit test response, which is to tell her to get over it and go do something but I realize this isn't always appropriate. Humor has been a good tool for me in these moments as well. If I can make her laugh (and I usually can) she forgets about how she feels and we both feel better about it.
Career
Been working really hard on changing my brand voicing as my market demographic has grown weary of the particular copy techniques I've been using... It's a big challenge but I like this shit and I'm good at it. Once I nail this I'll be able to scale the way I want to. Very focused on adding value to my clients' lives as well.
Mission
Still actively working towards this, although I know I need to become the kind of man who can do what I want to do first. I'm putting all my energy into optimizing that right now.
Betrootjuice 5y ago
OYS #12
37, wife 33, married 4 years, together 9 years, 1 kid (2yo), another one on the way (5th month of pregnancy).
This is the summary of the past 2 weeks. I went on a 3 day trip with my wife this past weekend, without our child. First trip outside the country for 2 overnights without the kid.
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Readings
Re-read my notes on NMMNG. Doing the activities.
Also started to do visualisations work from Napoleon Hill’s book.
I am resuming something I did in the past which is reading a few pages of a positive book every morning.
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Fitness
76.7kg (-1.4kg over 2 weeks). Weight has been coming down as I resumed the cut and I lose the extra water from the guys’ trip.
I have been plateauing around the 77kg mark weight-wise for more than a month now. However, I look better in the mirror with better definition.
My weight is not falling as fast because I am not disciplined with food on the weekend. The first weekend, we cooked and baked a lot as a family. Predictably, that did not help with the carbs intake. The second weekend was a trip away with my wife with lots of nice restaurants. I need to manage these days better.
In terms of lifting, I had the opportunity to measure correctly all the lifts and input them in the symmetricstrength.com app. I got a strength score of 50.2.
Stats are for 1RM in lbs: Squats 220, DL 220, Dips +90, OHP 95, 11 chin-ups, 7 pull-ups. The new info is the squats performance.
I have found a solution to train with a proper barbell once a week, which will strengthen my DL and possibly the OHP.
I have had a strong progression over the past month which is pleasing. I am eager to go to the gym. I love that habit I developed.
Next steps are:
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Relationship
After the good feedback from last week, I decided to not fear anymore the wife’s reactions, game and STFU.
I can report some progress.
First, I tried to game more. As a side note, she stopped breastfeeding which she used as an excuse for feeling “touched out”. I have been holding her hand, touching her bum, etc more with less resistance from her part. She does also touch me more.
I am making more jokes, sexual innuendos. So far no answer from her part and it feels very difficult to do so but this is something expected (sidebar) so I just carry on when I feel like it.
As for fearing her, one example of progress. When I talk about the cost of small objects, I often use the equivalent of bucks. “This costs 100 bucks”. She would object and say: “I don’t like when you say bucks rather than dollars”. So last time she objected, I simply replied “I do like saying it that way” and held her gaze. She did not say anything in return (we had sex the following morning - coincidence?). Before, I would have apologised and switch to “dollars” right away. Sad.
Early in the second week, she has been throwing a massive tantrum at me one evening, where she would complain about every single thing I did, did not do… This time I thankfully STFU throughout, despite the repeated urge to DEER. I keep telling myself that my wife, for all the oneitis I have for her, is just AWALT. I also remember the sidebar post on “never argue” as you would come down to her level. That really helped me go through this. And the following lunchtime, she texted a long apology for her behaviour, which is accepted.
The lesson is that it paid to do this work properly.
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Sex
We had sex in the first week in the morning over the weekend. Sex was interrupted early on by our kid.
We had sex twice during our trip, once of good quality, the second one more starfish.
Interestingly, the first sex during our trip happened after I was turned down in my initiation, after which I got up, went out to exercise, returned, showered, went back to bed with her naked to find her knickers super wet.
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Social
I am out regularly, get invited to lunches, etc. It is nice to be surrounded.
I have sent the invites for a house party in early November. 3/4 of the guests are coming from my side. I used to host a lot, like every 2-3 months and got regularly 30 people in my house. I made a mental excuse to do it less because of “reasons”. It is a shame because I really enjoy organising such gatherings.
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Mindset
After the poor report last time, my mood improved a lot. I have very wide mood swings. Something to work on progressively in the future.
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Career
My role as an adviser in an accelerator is boosting my self-esteem as I can see how my expertise is valued. I am now looking at monetising it. I am discussing coming onboard start-ups as cofounder or as a consultant to them. Very long shots at this point but this would not have happened pre-RP.
I have a few deadlines for my book project coming up which I can clear this week. This is another thing which is going and another seed for the long term.
A few interviews are planned this week as well. Very busy diary this week.
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Tasks / Chores
I have had a lot of niggling tasks in the house, repairs needing doing. I have started to go through this list and should be done this weekend (before new ones get added of course). I am being more systematic about it.
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Conclusion
Thank you for calling my BS last time. I am feeling better now.
I have been focusing slightly more on me (still massively more to do).
rocknrollchuck 5y ago
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You're doing this to get a reaction from her. Dance, Monkey, dance.