OYS #2

STATS

45+ (M), +/-1 Year (F), Married 15+ years, Kids: More than 2, M&F, Older than 8 Less than 18. - OpSec

6', 175 lbs., 17.5% BF

Lifts (in lbs., DL 1x5, others 5x5): DL 230, SQ 195, ROW 125, BP 125, OHP 85

Read: NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, MAP, RM 1/2/3, 16 Commandments, BoP, TRP Sidebar, MRP Wiki, BPP: SALSM, HTWFAIP, ABWT, TG, ROTG, SGM, PFP

Reading: Undercover Sex Signals. On Deck: Mult-Orgasmic Man, Superflirt

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Wife / Game / Sex:

Sex is On Demand but am not initiating a lot. Libido feels low. Am more tired in the evenings than usual. Crashing hard at bedtime. No performance problems in the moment, just an intentional push required to get the motor running.

Have decided to ratchet up to DL 6 and hold there. Shit tests are small and easily batted away. Comfort tests are much more prevalent.

Am providing daily comfort rituals of an extended hug first thing in the morning and holding hands falling asleep. Took my wife on a date night Friday. Went to a nice hotel, drank tea, watched the lights over the city and chatted about life and where we are going. Verbal intercourse.

Started implementing the 10 second kiss. Am trying it at different points in the day to see where the best bang for the buck seems to be. Have tried it first thing in the mornings when I’m horniest … but it doesn’t seem to resonate well. On the way out the door gets a better response. Best response seems to be just after coming home. Probably tied to how long and hard the hamster has been running that day.

Got a “If you want a noon-er, I’m your girl” text from the wife for the first time in a decade. Small victories.

New sex goal – Become a Multi-Orgasmic Man.

Reading through PFP made me realize I’ve had a much deeper Madonna / whore complex than originally thought. Wife has been asking for more overtly dominant behavior. I’ve hesitated to push that in the past. Wife is a “good girl” so she’s been careful to keep up the image but when I pressed about the sudden interest, she said “I didn’t think that’s what you wanted.” Woman are water and fill the container they're in ... Going to push that door open.

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Identity / Emotions / Frame:

Had a “This doesn’t work for me” moment this week. Got pretty angry about it when I dug up the realization of how much of my life has been pushing other people’s missions under a massive covert contract. There’s a Zig Ziglar quote “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” It’s rattled around in my head a lot. While I believe in adding value, my beta side has used this as an excuse to let others off when they don’t reciprocate. I.e. I just needed to go help more people. I should have held more people in my circle accountable than I have. I have helped someone in business who’s not come through on their commitments twice recently. Boundary setting needed.

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Physical Health / Hygiene / Style:

Have been under chronic stress for 3.5 years now. Am concerned it’s impacting my T levels. Will be getting an appointment to get it tested this week. Am taking the family away to a home on a lake for some R&R and bonding time. Really looking forward to it.

Newbie Gains have slowed to a crawl. OHP is going nowhere. Have started to up my protein intake to compensate. Had my legs seize up like a Charlie horse when doing warm-up squats a few days ago. Ended up skipping the squats and just did OHP and BP that day. Not sure what that’s about.

Trying a new barber (#4) this week. Maybe this guy will have a clue. I clearly don’t have Oneitis issues when it comes to barbers.

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Social Life:

Hung out at a Halloween party for a while where I dropped off my son . I had several moms flirt with me while their husbands just stared at the TV watching the game. Interesting how the ladies used the game as cover for making moves.

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Environment:

Ladies at the office this week were upset about something. Recognized they weren’t wanting to confront another guy in the office about him being oblivious to his annoying behavior. I stepped in to deliver the message as I found it annoying as well, just didn’t realize it was him that caused the ruckus. The parallels with women wanting someone else to “Kill the Puppy” was readily apparent.

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Finances:

Household Income is stabilizing. I have several invoices out for commissions and fees which should hold us for a couple months. Wife just landed a big client which will provide additional breathing room. Second Christmas in a row where needs will be covered and there’s extra for wants. Feeling good about that.

Had one deal fall out due to seller overvaluing their property. Am anticipating the market will level set seller expectations. May go back afterwards. Construction on main development deal continues apace. No other equity deals in hand but am on the hunt.

Debt is still a millstone. Still fighting tax assessment. Will know more today after meeting with CPA.

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Ideas:

Am wrestling with low grade Trust issues. There’s a sense that I’ve been really naive about how things operate for a long time. I could be overly paranoid that others are always trying to test / push boundaries (which to a degree they are) but that feels like an emotional sink with no bottom. Ignorance is no longer possible so then it’s a concern of closing myself off emotionally. Which is just an Ego defense. So, that’s not the right answer either. Need to find a middle ground on this. Somewhere around “Trust but Verify.” I just feel a bit more like I’m running on verify, verify … which is draining. Need to integrate more Trust.

Oys #1

Here's to own my shit and put it in writing.

Background- me34m wife 40f. Together 3 married 1. 2 kids- 3 years old and 1 year old. Currently 6' 228lbs out of shape and tired being a lazy bitch. Haven't check Bf% in a while but it can't be good. I'm not a completely fat fuck due to years of prior strength training but definitely gotten soft.

What brought me here- been fighting w the spouse over stupid bullshit and it really had me mind fucked. Losing sleep, angry, resentful and generally feeling unhappy. Previously I attributed this to having young kids in the house which is added stress but I now realize it's how I handle it that makes me feel like shit.

Anyways my goals for this week are:

1. to get my ass back in the gym. 2.Man up and dont let nagging bullshit get under my skin.
2. Study up on RP and focus on myself not be frustrated by external factors

Reading: -The Rational Male -WISNIFG

I honestly just want to be happy in life and I realize I'd probably be the same miserable cunt if I wasn't married. Anyways ill work on myself as try to change my frame. If I don't see improvement in my relationship quality in the foreseeable future, l must get the balls to go for divorce as awful as that would be. Anyways writing this on mobile blows so that's all I got.

OYS #01

STATS: 36y, 165 lbs, 21%BF, married 6 years together for 7. Wife is same age. Kids 3 & 5.

Lifts: They all suck. I’ve been going to gym to lift regularly for the last 3-4 months. Started out earlier this year 10 pounds heavier with the goal of cutting calories and losing weight. I got down to 162 a few weeks ago and decided I needed to increase calories with a protein heavy diet to focus on building muscle. I’ve been going to gym consistently 4 times a week for the past 3 months. Finally integrated a meal plan that works with my lifestyle.

Reading summary:
NMMNG, The Rational Male, Preventative Medicine, WISNIFG, TMMSLP, The Book of Pook. The Tactical Guide to Women, If you’re in my office it’s already too late, Unfuck yourself.

Currently Reading:
John Maxwell books on Personal Growth.

Background - what brought me to the RP:
I’m going to preface this with the following, so you understand where I’m coming from. If there were an exemplar of all things beta, it would be me. I took all the terrible advice about how to deal with women, I grew up with an extremely passive role model that I strongly identified with from a very early age, and if I could figure out a way put myself at the back of the line quickest, I would secretly pat myself on the shoulder for being so selfless. All of this is where I come from, not where I’m going.

Fast forward to twelve months ago. I had become overweight, directionless outside of work, and very isolated. My wife and I had moved across the country, got married, started new jobs, bought and sold houses, and immediately starting having kids after marriage. I don’t recommend doing all of that in such a short period unless you have a well established captain/first mate role definition. I did not.

I had leaned into being the “good dad” caretaker, with all sorts of covert contracts that left me more and more frustrated. Most couples have an unresolved conflict that they fight about (usually finances, in-laws, religion, politics, or parenting). Ours was in-laws. Our arguments about family related in-law nonsense got to the point where I wanted a divorce. I started poking around the internet about others post-divorce experiences/regrets. My takeaway was that, people often wish they had “worked harder” prior to calling it quits. I took this to heart and decided to get us into marriage counseling, but she was uninterested. After finding the RP, I have worked to internalize the “stay game is the same as the go game” concept, but at this point I was still completely lost.

Counseling led to many misdirections, and didn’t address the state of our relationship in the context of any sort of broader framework about how inter-gender dynamics work. My BP-self just wanted to perfect my communication and listening skills in order to lead to me getting what I want. When it didn’t work, I just assumed I needed to do the same thing, but do it harder. I poured everything into her, and had no sense of self as a primary mental point of origin. Of course, she didn’t care about any of this, lost what little respect she had, and was mostly already emotionally disconnected from the marriage. While I was investing in the relationship, she drifting farther away. Consider this a cautionary take to BPers sitting on the fence. What I was doing wasn’t working at all. I was just getting more pissed off and victim puking whenever I couldn’t take it anymore.

The Tipping Point: You all are really going to cringe at this part. Its fucking painful. I had started transitioning to asking for what I want in the relationship, and thinking I really deserved it because of all the covert contracts I had in place. I lacked, and still do in many cases, outcome independence, which fucks up the results you get from asking for what you want. In this case, my ask was simple, shut the bathroom door after taking a shit so I don’t have smell shit when brushing my teeth. That is gross and disrespectful. Seemed fair to me, but since it was her birthday, she felt my silly request for respect didn’t really apply to her. Basically, there was a lot of yelling, victim puking, and useless arguing after that. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she said she didn’t. I told her I couldn’t live like this, and asked her what she thought mediation and divorce would look like for us. She said she would take the kids and move back to her home town. This was the part where my world as I knew it, just sort of crumbled away. How could the woman I was so obviously trying to “make it work with” respond to my efforts by threatening to take my kids away? This was the moment for me that caused me to throw out all the old beliefs I had about female nature, and reinterpret my previous experiences based on concepts from the Rational Male. For me, the two most influential sources that helped me to change my beliefs and actions are Rollo’s books and the Blue Pill Professor’s videos. Those sources really kick started things for me.

Where I am now: I am not anywhere near where I want to be yet. I’ve started taking more meaningful steps towards a MAP, but it has been challenging to truly refocus on myself and what I want for me and my family after spending so long prioritizing and conforming to other people’s needs. I’ve lost about 5% body fat, and have seen improvements in my lifts, but I just need more muscle. I've always been slighter small, and would like to produce a result that helps me change that fairly ingrained concept about myself. I had been limiting calories to get rid of the dad boobs, which worked, but I decided I don’t need to worry about body fat until I can bench my own weight and squat at least 190. Fitness and nutrition recommendations are welcome.

Making solid attempts at following advice from various RP channels is the only thing that has moved the needle in my marriage, and more importantly, for me. I’ve been doing pretty good at STFU for the past few months, so our stupid arguments have been pretty non-existent. That is 180 degrees from 9 months ago (pre-RP). The DNGAFs have improved, but it isn’t where it needs to be. I am finding that the solution to DNGAF is not to focus on not giving a fuck, its to give yourself something YOU can control that you DO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, and that is your MAP. The more developed my MAP gets, the less I give a fuck about stupid shit my wife does or says that I cannot control. I’m not there yet, but filling my time up with things that are important to me has helped.

The sex still sucks, but I get fewer hard “nos”. We were at once month, and that has increased to almost once a week, but the quality is not anywhere near the level of enthusiasm it needs to be. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that that may not change, and that it doesn’t matter in the short term. I've finally internalized that what I am doing is not to fix my marriage, or get more sex. Those things truely may or may not follow from all this, and I'm actually ok with that right now based on what I am getting out of this for me. I see a lot of guys on here that seem to get some pretty quick results in the bedroom, but that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve gotten a few IOIs (even from my wife’s friend, which she loved) but nobody is stuffing their number in my pocket. Lots more work to do.

I’ve also been updating the wardrobe across the last few months, and making small changes to my appears that throw a bit of novelty into the mix. A lot of this work starts to get fun after a while.

Shout out to u/HornsOfApathy for his post on encouraging lurkers to start posting in OYS. I intend to continue these, and hope you faggots give me some good actionable advice.

OYS #0

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5'9", 181 lbs, \~20% BF

Age 28, Wife 28, Together 10yrs, Married 1y, No kids

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Introduction

Why am I here? I am dissatisfied with the laziness I have let creep into my life and I want more. I am starting from a better place than the one many are at when they first find this community. By all accounts, my relationship is good. The bedroom is not dead. I have not hit any kind of rock bottom.

However, I feel myself becoming lazy in all areas of my life, and I want more. I want more than just a reasonably high frequency of reasonably good sex. I want raw desire and a little slut who will do any nasty thing I want just to keep me happy. I need to become the kind of man who commands that.

I have never been a supplicating beta; even before I had any idea what the red pill was I found the behavior that many husbands and boyfriends engaged in cringeworthy. But that doesn't mean I am perfect, and I definitely still engage in beta behavior at times.

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Mission

Top 1% man, on top of all areas of my life

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DL 1/2

Reading:

Started TRP sidebar

Physical:

I am going to start lifting tonight. I hope to ride newbie gains to build some muscle while cutting off weight but I am going to eat at 1lb/week calorie deficit and increase my lifts until I can't anymore and see where that puts me in terms of weight and body fat and then re-evaluate.

Long team goal 170-175 lbs and 10% BF. Open to reevaluation as I get close to that point and see how it looks; possibly I'll want to be bigger.

Psychological:

I will focus on controlling my mindset and not letting trivial shit piss me off etc.

Financial:

I have a good job that puts me in the top few percent of earners. I am often lazy and slack off for days at a time. While I can get away with this as I still get the required work done, I will cut this shit out starting today and become a true top performer.

Sexual:

Not planning on pushing any specific sexual boundaries until getting my shit in order but I will continue initiating and having sex as usual. I will quit porn and masturbation. I currently (formerly) watch(ed) quite a bit of porn. I don't know if this will be a permanent quitting but I will see it through until at least the end of 2020 and then reevaluate.

Plan:

Work through the "12" steps of dread from today until end 2020. I say "12" in quotes because we are really only going through 1-6 really hard, and possibly sprinkling in a little 6-8. Not needing anything from 9-12 unless somehow things take a drastic turn for the worst while we are in 1-8.

Will be posting OYS on Tuesdays.

OYS #3 (3 weeks RP)

STATS

• Age 41, Height 6'3", Weight 220 lbs, BF 24% (Navy)
• Wife 41, Married 18 years, Together 22, Kids 12 and 9.
• LP 295x5, BP 195x5, BOR 135x5, OHP 105x5
• DL1, Week 3/4

READING

I am half way through NMMNG. I recognize a lot of "Nice Guy" traits in myself, but not all of them. I generally don't give a fuck what people think about me, however, I am definitely guilty of seeking validation from women and creating covert contracts between my wife and I. Noticed a lot of terms in the book that I have seen tossed around in the sub: DEER, cognitive dissonance, victim puke, and abundance.

PHYSICAL

I got my testosterone level checked for the first time ever. It was 477. The doc says this is normal for my age.

No change in weight this week. Broke down and ate some of the kid's Halloween candy. I told them they had to pay the "Dad Tax". Eh, whatever. I wanted it. Have you tried the new Oreo candy? It's amazing.

I had my second and final free personal training session at the gym yesterday. It was great. The trainer helped me with my deadlift form and I am going to add that to my lifts next week. I have Degenerate Disc Disease between L4 and L5 and I have to start light and work my way up. The trainer says if I maintain proper form I should be OK. I need to purchase a weight belt. Went for a 9 mile run outside last Sunday. Felt great. Been running 5 miles a day on the treadmill during the week while watching Netflix.

MENTAL

My thinking is very positive this week. I have embraced "putting myself first". I am taking care of my needs. I am enjoying my gym time. For the first time in years I don't feel trapped in my marriage. I feel like I am taking control of my own destiny. I feel myself moving forward toward an unknown future and I am excited. My heart and mind feel lighter.

I have been thinking a lot about "outcome independence" and "abundance". It no longer matters to me if my wife changes or not. I no longer look to her to meet my needs and make me happy. I understand that this is my responsibility. I have decided to be happy with or without her. "The stay plan is the go plan." I know there will come a point in the future when I will know if I want to stay or go. I am on a journey towards that day.

CAREER

All is well. No changes or updates.

FINANCIAL

Making progress on the credit card debt. Shit is tight, but it's working. I estimate I could have it all paid off in about 6 months. Our only other debt is the mortgage.

RELATIONSHIP

Failed a major shit/comfort test last weekend. The wife grabbed my phone and saw some texts between myself and a female friend. They were innocuous and there is nothing going on between us. Even so, she said "I'm uncomfortable with you texting this woman." I immediately got pissed and began to DEER. Then she used STFU on me. To make matters worse I lost frame and said, "OK honey, I'll only text her if it's necessary." What a pussy. Seconds after I heard myself I knew I had totally blown it. Mentioned this to one of the guys in the sub and he gave me some good advice for next time. I also went back and re-read "DARE don't DEER".

Later that day I told her I was taking her out to dinner and a movie. She wanted to know where we were going for dinner and what movie we were going to see. I wouldn't tell her because I didn't want to hear her bitch and moan over my choices. She kept asking me but I said, "It's a surprise. Enjoy the mystery of it all." After this she started guessing. I ignored her until she finally picked the right movie.

At dinner I lead the conversation and told her about some of the things I was planning to do with my time. I could tell she wasn't happy about it so I said, "It looks like you want to say something." She said, "It doesn't matter, you'll just do what you want anyway." I laughed and said, "That's true!" I enjoyed my meal, a pint, and the movie. We barely spoke for the rest of the night.

The next shit/comfort test happened a few days later. The wife said "I feel like you don't find me attractive anymore." Oh shit. Here we go. I didn't know what to say so I went with STFU. "Did you hear what I said?" she asked. "Yes" I said. More silence. "Why aren't you saying anything?" she asked. "Because I don't want to upset you." At this she became very angry.

At the time I was thinking, "Why is she even asking me this? I've already told her a bunch of times I wasn't attracted to her and I wanted her to lose weight. WTF?" But then I remembered that she's a woman, and it all made sense.

"You're a jerk!" she said. I didn't react. "You know what? I get tempted too," she said. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Well, I'm not threatening you, but I'm an attractive woman and I have options." I didn't miss a beat. "Do whatever you want," I said and walked out of the room.

Next day she was giving me the silent treatment. I couldn't have cared less. I actually look forward to this now. At 3 PM she texted and asked if I had taken our daughter to her dentist appointment. I had a reminder on my phone but I didn't remember seeing it go off. I texted back that I had forgot and would reschedule the appointment. When she got home she was pissed at me.

"What happened with the dentist appointment?" she said. I ignored her. "Did you hear me???" "Yes, I did." "Why aren't you answering me?" "I already told you in my text." I STFU and started thinking about DARE.

"Well, I'm asking you again," she said. I decided on Repeat. "My answer is the same. Please refer to my text." This only pissed her off even more, but I found myself feeling amused.

She kept asking for an explanation. I said nothing and walked away (Exit). She followed me into the den and blocked the doorway. "Did you get distracted because you were doing other things?" Jesus fucking Christ. Who fucking cares? It's a God damned dentist appointment. It's not the end of the fucking world! OK, I needed to say something again.

"It's like I said in my text, I just forgot." I approached the doorway and asked her to move. She just stood there staring at me like she wanted to take my head off. I finally just pushed through and went into the bedroom. She followed me again.

"I just want to know what happened. How did you forget"? I could not fucking believe it. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? "I've already told you twice. I'm done talking about this." She stormed off.

Later that night I said it was time to do our couple's devotional and she said "No. I'm not doing that with you." I said OK and walked away.

While I was writing this entry she started blowing up my phone with more comfort tests. I had to search the sub to find out how to handle them. It said to use a "dash of beta" to provide her with a false sense of control so I complimented her hair, tits and legs. When that didn't work I shut down the conversation with "We can discuss this at home. I am working."

KIDS

My son's behavior is improving and he is off grounding. At my request, the wife created an allowance system for the kids. I need to set aside some time to spend for each of them alone soon. My daughter asked me to take her to the book store so I think we will make a date out of it and grab some dinner as well.

GOALS

• Short term: Finish reading NMMNG, purchase weight belt and introduce deadlifting to Stronglifts.
• Long term: Eliminate credit card debt, purchase and train on AR-15, take guitar lessons, write a science-fiction novel.

OYS 8

Age 23, Married 3 years, 175lbs, 5' 10" no kids.

Physical: Gym 3 times last week. 145 Bench press 6 reps two sets. 35 Lbs bicep curls 10 reps 2 sets each side. 135lbs shoulder press machine 3 sets 12 reps. Trying to strengthen rotator cuffs and shoulders as I'm double jointed and have pain there often as a result. 95 Lb squats 10 reps 2 sets, still developing good form before I take that weight up but I'm about ready I think. Overall I have increased my lifts slightly since I started and I'm happy about that.

Read: Sidebar Reading: Sidebar again, Bible every morning, WISNIFG again.

Relationship: It's red sea week. No sex. Not my thing. We spend time together every night watching TV or hanging out with family. Things are kind of tense right now. Had a low sales month with my business last month as I had a bunch of marketing issues to work through. This has resulted in endless shit tests that I am not batting 1000 on. Passing some. Failing and DEERING many others. I'm probably 25/75 pass/fail rn.

Frame: Shit is weird. Been passing some shit/comfort tests. Been fucking a lot of them up. The good thing is that I'm acutely aware of all the areas I need to fix an as a result I have been identifying them and working on them as they get called into question. The bad thing is that I don't always have the answers when that happens. I have been practicing STFU. My frame clearly needs work as my silence is broken by repeated prompting to speak or mockery for silencing myself. Leaving the room has resulted in being followed and continuously prompted to speak. This gets a rise out of me. I don't know what to do when a response is demanded of me and my default is to talk and by that point I am angry. Frame. Frame. Frame. Fuck. I have to be stronger.

Weird event last night. I went to bed, we had some brief words about how I am apparently no longer communicating love and respect towards her. I suggested we talk about it in the morning because I was 3/4 the way asleep and I rolled away from her and attempted to actually fall asleep. She responded by pinching my chest until I asked her to stop, asked if I was awake now and continued what in retrospect I recognize was a shit test that I absolutely failed. She chose a moment I wasn't cognizant, aware, had already told her I wasn't doing this etc... And I caved. Damn. Huge learning for me. Anyway now I feel tremendously foolish about the whole thing. I did everything I wasn't supposed to. DEER. Get gay and dramatic. Act like a victim. General pussy ass shit. How did I not see what was happening, that things were escalating? Initially when I started doing this there was not much pushback and I got lazy. Bad strategy.

Game: again, period sex isn't my thing and PCOS makes for long periods. The tension between us hasn't helped. I'm not interested in sex right now. I am frustrated with myself. Deeply. I am stressed. I don't want to game anyone. I want to fix my problems.

Career: The good news is that I am developing a ton as a business owner right now. I deeply love what I do. The bad news is that October was a shitty month because of some issues I created earlier in the year and they came to a head so I spent most of my time doing damage control. I'm only into running my own thing about a year and I have a lot to learn. This has been a large stress on my marriage. I have repeatedly been prompted to get a day job to go with my business. I am unwilling to do this as it would prevent me from developing things the way I need to and I can (and 90% of the time do) make more money doing the production work I do than I can at someone elses business.

One bad month and there's zero faith in me anymore. Oh well, have to power through anyway. I recognize that this is because I haven't created the right frame. Can you tell what I've been learning the most about?

Spiritual: I had a moment this month when I really realized I was so so far outside the realm of what I was capable of handling that I needed, desperately, for God to show me what to do. I have been profoundly humbled. It's so good for me. I am no longer angry with him, prideful about my abilities too live without him (I don't have that ability) or ignoring him out of spite. I am growing again through this adversity and I look forward to understanding all He desires for me to learn in this. I read scripture multiple times a day. Because I want to.

Fifth Post

34 y/o

6'0"

186 lbs.

Weights (lbs.)

Front Squat: 180 x 5

Deadlift: 340 x 1

Overhead Press: 130 x 3

Bench Press: 165 x 5

Review

One of the best things about having begun lifting in earnest has been its revealing to me structural and postural imbalances. Squats did this at first, mostly muscle weakness in my ad/abductors. Then the bench press. I'd suffered some nerve damage a few years ago, and I can tell there's a couple pockets of tight nerve bundles in between my scapula/spine and just below my clavicle. My shoulder's gotten impinged a few times, so I've had to de-load and begin again, especially with bench press, because it's difficult for me to retract that scapula properly. When I switched to front squats, it exposed the imbalance even more. I've been working through this, each time taking a step back after making even more progress. Since I started BJJ recently, I went way too wild at the beginning, and asked all of the higher belts to tap me out so I could experience the feeling. One of the submissions on my right shoulder must have fucked something up, because my pec minor and subscapularis were both in serious pain (and the pec was in so much pain I couldn't cough or sneeze, it hurt too much). I finally went to the doctor, who referred me to physical therapy in town, and suggested I try some dry needling to relieve the nerve pockets, which should allow me to retract my scapula more easily.

Lifting weights is the shit, and it's easy to become addicted to the whole endeavor. Press and deadlift are definitely my favorite lifts, and I've had a 135 press in mind as a goal for some time. Despite my setbacks, now that I'm so close I'm just going to move that to a long-term goal of bodyweight. My ultimate goal is a 500 lb deadlift, but I've started to slow my increases a bit, so I can already tell getting to 400 isn't going to be as linear as my progress to date.

I'm moving through the second anger phase relatively smoothly. I'm so much more secure and grounded as a person now. Horns recently lamented the guilt he feels about his past failures leading his woman, and I can totally relate. My wife is like a little mouse peeking her head out of her hole, slowly and skittishly testing whether I'm still the bitter and resentful asshole I've been. I'll never be able to change the bitterness and anger which I'd felt and expressed in the past, and that's difficult to accept. All I can do is continue my path toward self-fulfillment, and continue to invite my wife into this new reality.

Fear resulted in the impatience I felt in the past.

Security will have to be my ally as I remain patient with my wife and myself.

[deleted]

36YO, wife 38YO, 1 kid (4). Married 6 years, together 10.

5x5: SQ 235, DL 225 BP 150, OHP 120, ROW 140

Height: 6’2’ - Weight: 188 pounds

RP Over a year

Relationship

I’ve bee trying something different, I’ve been trying to place my self in a frame of mind whereby I appreciate my wife, her presence and her femininity. Not thankful, nor grateful. I have been resetting this a few times a day, just letting my self appreciate her, entirely for my self, and she seems to respond very positively to it. Not connected with physical touch, not as part of a let’s fuck scheme, just a way to experience my time with her from a place I like. 

What have I noticed: my raving desire to sexually humiliate her has disappeared, my neediness for her has gone, I’m not doing any little Rambo thing (example: considering the correct alpha response to a text, I just text her what I need to), my sexual desire for her has also dropped significantly. 

I’ve always noticed that the way I imagined sex with new girls, and the way I imagined sex with my wife were starkly different. With other girls it was obviously healthy and with my wife it was not. Now they are progressively harmonising, I take it as a sign I am having some success in fixing my self. 

Deciding to appreciate my wife came from my wanting to be less self-absorbed and more present. It’s also extremely helpful in giving me a healthy frame of mind when I do not appreciate the fact she is being a bitch. I don’t bark back and I don’t engage, I simply realise that I don’t like that shit without feeling any need to get back at her. This has helped her realise when she is being shitty and correct course. 

We fucked once, it was duty and PE. I know sex like this holds us back in and outside the bedroom. I saw how after, she was physically withdrawn, but I’m not letting my self be diminished or put-off. This is an issue I have with my wife, I want to solve it but I’m not going to crucify my self over it. Right now my mindset is to fix my life, fix my self, drop the ego and see if this will take care of it. I still enjoyed fucking, so hey.

It’s something we don’t talk about; in the past, I’ve talked to her about it from a place of neediness and that of course made everything worse. Now more and more I feel like asking her to help move beyond it, because …. I want great sex! LOL - Attraction ebbs and flows, and is still weak, this probably needs more time.

Good choices for you

As part of deciding to finally lead my family, last year I made a lot of decision that I have been executing throughout this year. Sell a house, buy a new house, move out of the city to the countryside. The move is now complete and it has been a total success. The commute works well, having fresh air is amazing, silence is priceless and I still get to be in town/work in 40 minutes. What is most interesting is how suddenly I manage to get shit done. It’s a combination of the environment, having a car, a big garden. Somehow time has dilated and the things that I want to see happening in my life are taking place. 

I always read that commute makes ppl unhappy, that’s what science said. Before I could walk from apartment to office in 3 minutes. I should have been the happiest motherfucker. Well, relatively, I was a miserable cunt. I’m just not designed for apartments or the city. I was raised in a very small village, by the sea, surrounded by green. That is what works well for me, and now that I have it again, it’s making a world of difference. 

This got me thinking about how one tends to plough on for years convincing one-self that the course is right. I always thought my 3 min commute was the shit. That was garbage I believed for years. My natural environment was something completely different, and I knew this, but I decided to ignore it. When I think of this and I consider my choice of a mate (the personal qualities OUTSIDE of her relationship with me), I’m left wondering about what are good choices for me. 

OYS 8: Coasty, Not so OI as it happens

Age: 42(m), 42(F)

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Married: 14 years. 3 kids 12(m), 8(f), 5(f)

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Height: 6', Weight: 183lbs, Fat: Yes, I'm fat

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Diet Mode: Keto, Low Carb

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SQUAT: 224lbs dropped to 214llbs,

BENCH:148lbs dropped to 144llbs,

PRESS: 99lbs up to 110lbs,

DEADLIFT: 210lbs up to 212llbs,

BARBELL ROW: 176lbs dropped now back to 176llbs

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Read:

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All MRP sidebar excluding RedPill Sidebar

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Reading:

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Mediatations and The 48 Laws

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Redpill:

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Since October 2017 with a significant fuckarouditis after early wins.

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This Week

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Lifting:

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I was all over the place at the start of the week. I was experiencing anxiety. It was also PMS time and I wonder have i been so conditioned to her cycle that I enter my own Proxy PMS unconsciously. I know, who gives a fuck. But I do, because I had palpitations and shit. Seriously sometimes I wonder, WTF. I think I was always super sensitive to input. I can can read people intuitively very fast.

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It's like I feel what's going on in them. Problem is, and I just figured this out, it's hard to distinguish them from my own feelings and though it's accurate, I can't tell if they are just like that in the moment or if its their character.

Now, if you think this is just magical thinking and there is an element of that. My crew of friends growing up always went with my sense. I was fool hardy anyway so if i paused everyone would stop too. So, many times, I would say this 'road not that road', let's get out of here, watch them and the shit would go down and we'd be in the clear. The guys would come back after finding out what we'd ducked. I think they listen because I was looking for trouble most of the time. I enjoyed it. I was alway pushing my luck.

Anyway, once I get a good session at the gym it rebalances me. For a time. Further, if I don''t have sex for a few days I go all over the place and panicky. Just like Chicken Licken, declaring to myself 'the sky is falling, he sky is falling'. Then after a day or so, particularly if I go to the gym or fuck, it shifts. If it's the gym I get extra proactive. If it's sex, I can get proactive or coasty.

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Divorce / Mediation / Frame Attacks;

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I shared about this flip to comfort seeking in my last OYS. I noticed that I started to get a little more lax. I internalised the flip to comfort seeking as a 'win' because I felt validated because my wife dialled back the cunt levels. Wow, how far from OI I am? I merely experience situational OI. But I max the fuck out of that, I can tell you.

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Mini-Main Event

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I asked u/Persaeus about Main Events happening in phases, mini-mains. He replied: "whether it is required or not depends as much or more on her than you". That blew me away. I could see how i was trying to control other people's behaviour and trying to predict interim behaviours and final outcomes. This amplifies the anxiety I referred to. I am so busy guessing other people plays that I'm not making enough of my own. I am not taking care of myself properly. It is an exhausting way to live. And it hinders me delivering. But predications have served me too - see above for details.

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Sex:

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Yeah, this is good. What I am asking myself is does having sex distract me and deplete my creative energies in other areas. I know if I go a few days without it, internally I become a basket case. I wonder if that stems more from seeking validation aspect? That being said, in one session she was super stressed and giving me the LMR. I pushed through, and started coaching her breathing deep and feeling through her. I got her going and was playing around with her. I was enjoying myself I got very animalistic. I really liked that. u/InChargeMan had decoded some womanese for me last week and I used that.

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MAP

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That leads me onto my MAP. u/InChargeMan broke down some of the basics on starting out on establishing my needs. u/SBIII challenged me on being a Busy Fool because I lack any real purpose too. He went on to break down how he established a baseline purpose.

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First, I am grateful to both men. They threw light on the fact that if you asked me what I wanted I could tell you my desires. But I couldn't lay out my needs. u/SBIII's charge of lacking purpose got me thinking. I actually could tell you my big purposes. But not my little ones. And that's where I can generate a positive feedback loop. u/RStonePT is always banging on about guys not know what they want. It's true. For me the key piece was understanding to get that down to the ground floor. I can feel the shift here. I am also plugging that into Stoney's thesis that you should implement a plan that will see you in 12 months being the type of man who had the tools in place to pull of the mission he defines at that point.

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OYSing on a weekly basis is extremely helpful. It throws up so much to work on, it's quiet amazing.

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One thing that I heard that was helpful in discovering the DNA of what you want to focus on is to ask yourself this question:

"You are going to prison for 35 years. You can do any job you want in that prison for 8 hours a day? It could be writing, carpentry, counseling, art what do you pick?" For me, it assisted me in articulating what I would do in the briefest way ever.

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The usual approach is to imagine you can do anything? What would it be? I can go on forever with that one.

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This has been a week where I believe I may have figured out some of the mental and behavioural traps I have fallen into.

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At the very least I know where a few big ones are set.

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Cheers MRP

OYS #7

Profile

29YO, HT 5'6" WT 133 BF 14%

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Vision

An integrated man with a powerful, unshakeable, and rock-solid frame, who gives the world his gifts with no strings attached. The prize to be won.

Mission

To play the masculine rule through leadership, and cultivate authority with a strong, yet inviting frame, and radiate my joy to everyone around me, while enjoying everything the life has to offer.

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Relationship

I'll start with this section since I was halfassing through it during my short journey in the redpill.

Now I enjoy some of the results of having a frame, but also feel it's unnatural confidence to be myself and getting what I want in an assertive manner, my budding frame is too strong for me. I tend to relapse back to my comfortable career beta status, and I have to force myself back to being A MAN.

I am a young medical graduate holding a position in a university hospital and I wanted to advance my career by going into a graduate program. to compensate for what I paid to the graduate school, I rented a bed in my apartment. In order to have company and probably some sex on the side if I got a female. And I clicked with a hot Israeli dentist.

My roommate and I started a relationship after an instant chemistry and very nice action dates, which I was leading. In this called relationship, I was a dancing monkey totally in love with her, she's 8 and I thought i'd never get one as hot, culturally and professionally matching what I want in a wife. Thus, I was treating her as a wife by being her slave, and she was acting like one by nagging and using me as her emotional tampon. In top of that, we had a dead bedroom, thanks to her religious background, so it was a typical married relationship with no marriage! I had to let go of my faggot-self and be a man the hard way, going into Monk-mode. She resisted at the beginning and was upset I do things my own way, then asked me to be the one I am and never change again. Well, I had to listen to the wife so I stopped being who I am not, the one she thinks I am, and went RAMBOO. She left home to stay with her aunt, and I adjusted my relationship status to single during that time.

In my graduate school, I was focusing on increasing my abundance. In the last two weeks, I went to Salsa class thanks to this post, and enjoyed myself very well being the man and the leader, even though it's scripted. I noticed how well-advanced students are doing terrible when they don't lead properly and penetrate their partners in the eyes. I think I'll continue with this unless I find my time better invested in a jiujitsu class.

To increase my abundance, I went to a Halloween party organized by my school. I went there dancing and approaching girls. Ended up with 3 phone numbers, one is willing to fuck. Mind you, I was nervous approaching them in the beginning, but as I got pictures with them and had their numbers, I felt like a demigod the next day.

In my school, I was told that a girl likes me, so I emailed her at night, in the booty hours, to ask her to hang the next day. She came for me after letting me know she has no classes and coming from far. I got the signal, and I went to kino her during the time we had together. I didn't follow with a date, like I usually do, I forced myself to "I'm not looking for a relationship, looking for fun" kind of mentality. Which paid off. The girl texted me lightly during the weekend, I reply with jokes. Yesterday she texted me that she's joining my group, if I don't mind, and I joked around in that too. But I showed her an act of no difference in school. I kept approaching hot girls, 8 to 9 and they were very receptive, contrary to my believe in self-worthlessness. I was approaching everyone like the horny man I am, in school and outside school, as I went to kayaking with a group, I approached the hot lifeguard, I went to the gym and approached the cute butt girl. I am happy that I didn't bury my confidence in the fame of my roommate.

My roommate on the other hand, was on the extreme of dread, once condemning my change (in a very pleasant way) and once cooking for me and doing all what I'm asking for (very submissive). Her hamster got crazy as I share with her my adventures with women and how I am enjoying life. She asks me to take her for similar adventures and suggest to fill my free time with different activities. I still love her, she did nothing to deserve being with a beta faggot, she made the right call to run away from the shitty person, which I'm still running away from. I want her, she adds joy and values to my life, but she's not perfect, nor I am.

Out of the blue, and under the circumstances of looking for new apartment, she told me she's not willing to stay with someone who's not holding to her, I told her "I can't hold on to you, we are not in a relationship". I am not willing to cave in to be a nice guy for her. She should earn the prize! I'm the great catch, just like she is. I'm terminating the lease in 2 months and that's either when she will have the last time to see me or be mine when I marry her ass. I know I'm in love, it's not infatuation. I want other girls to have fun, and I want her to get fucked. I'm not braking out my monk mode to fuck anything but my wife.

Goal: enjoy what life has to offer without sex.

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60 DoD

Style:Updating wardrobe with high quality business attire.

Finances: Returned unnecessary purchases.

Social life: going out with new friends to different places and laughing my ass off.

Goals: Getting to the game part

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Fitness

I hired a personal trainer to fix my lifting form. I figured that there's much to be worked at and fix, and I should start with changing the equipment to better my form.

I do 5 min daily (5/7): 80 pushups, 90 crunches, and 100 body-weight squats.

Lifting program (3/7): 8*5 Squats (100 lbs) everyday. On alternating days: BenchPress (80 lbs) with lat row (80 lbs), and OHP (80 lbs) with dumbbells deadlift (100 lbs).

Additional exercises (3/7): 8*5 On alternating days: pull ups with biceps (80 lbs), and butterfly press (80 lbs) with raised leg (100 lbs) and shoulder press (80 lbs).

Goals: buy a fucking barbell set up at home.

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Diet

Bought variety of proteins: Fish, chicken and lamb meat, as well as all kind of beans. Got myself a big instant pot for easier cooking of healthy meals. Will be cooking for the whole week and freezing it up as small meals, full of veggies and meats.

Goals: Cut on the junk food I have while hanging out with friends

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Career

I defined the path to get my promotion, but I'm doing terribly path to follow the right path to get shit done. I called out my mentees on their BS, that I used to tolerate. Now I have to focus on myself and move up the ladder.

As the Pook said, the only impossible dream is the dream that is not pursued. My dream is to be a surgeon scientist, and although I'm in the right position to be a surgeon and a scientist, I'm not moving forward because I'm sidetracked with mediocre goals and conveniences, instead of cutting through the BS and moving forward.

Goals: Stay clam and non-reactive to my anger realizing how much I've screwed up myself

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Books

Finished The book of pook and stuck in the middle with NMMNG

Goals: Find better method and time to read for consistency

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Frame

Killing the nice guy by being loud, rude and having fun in any situation. Embracing the truth and saying it at all costs. Walking out when I'm not happy and doing what I want to do at all costs.

I walked in a horror maze with a friend for the Halloween. I went in with a group, and my friend and other males, were kitten males, not men. I was laughing out loud and fucking enjoying the maze, when those bitches were screaming and reactive. I love having this shred of frame that made me less reactive.

I went into a movie in the theater, I didn't like it, I walked in to another movie, which was the a joke "the joker". It was over rated and over boring, so walked out from that too and got myself some good sleep that night.

I'm considering a religious shift in my lifestyle. I like to have higher purpose in my life that extend beyond my finite earthly life. With so much philosophy I got from the Pook, I think I'll be fine with my own philosophy in life, sex and self-improvement. Since I'm not having sex in the monk mode, I'll keep it out of life until I get a wife. Still having fun and good times.

Goals: Cut the approval seeking behavior and maintain acta non verba mindset.

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Edit: Added career and books, I half-assed this post the first round

[deleted]

OYS #1

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Background: First discovered MRP 3 months ago. I roughly believed most concepts of RP theory but was never able to use it in a structured empowering manner. Thus, praise to the guys who set this up and maintains the integrity of it.

Stats: 33yo, Height - 183cm, Weight - 95kg, Wife 36yo, married 8 years, living together 10 years. Children - Boy (5) girl (2)

Fitness: I'm in the unfortunate position of working in a very desolate place at the moment (Construction Manager), closest Gym would be around 250km away. Thus, I bought some dumbbells to start off with. Daily Routine: 25 Push ups, 25 Squats with weights, 20 Hammer Curls, 20 Shoulder Presses, 20 Reverse Fly. I do this Morning, Lunch and in the evening. I've noticed some great results in terms of losing weight, feeling better and looking better as well.

Career: As mentioned above, I am a Construction Manager, thus I tend to travel a lot and see awesome places. Downside is being away from the family from time to time. As it stands I leave my house on a Monday and return on a Friday. I can also honestly say I love my job, plus it pays pretty well.

Finances: Went through a bit of a bad patch in the last 2 years. Basically didn't manage my budget. I relocated and bought a house 2 years ago and got annoyed at my wife for not being able to bring her share of the dough to the household. Not coincidentally, I got my shit together 3 months ago. Started budgeting, stopped useless spending and payed off my vehicle debt. I no longer depend on the wife to assist with household finances.

Relationship: Hold on to your horses, this might get tricky. 4 years ago my wife was in a vehicle accident in which my 1st daughter (age 2) died. If ever you think you'r man enough to handle that shit, think again. At first, after the accident, life went on, but our relationship died. I started resenting my wife for the death of my 1st born child, but knew there was no way in hell I could overtly tell her that. Thus, covertly I turned myself into a monster. I started Drinking (heavily), Started Procrastinating and generally lost all hope for life. I still had a 1 year old boy to take care of and soon to be another daughter. Man, life was hard and I was making it even harder. Skip a couple of years, and I was now in a dead bedroom. At some stage I got my shit back together a bit, but merely faking it, which gave me and my hopes for a healthy relationship some chance. Then I realized that I can't Fake being a dick any longer and blame my wife for it. It's my life, my Relationship, my Children and I need to Take ownership. Thanks MRP.

I'm obviously not where I need to be, but I know I'm better than what I was last week. I've started passing shit tests because of my frame. Sex is not where it should be, but the general trend is upwards. Keeping in mind that I'm only home on weekends, sex is at least twice a week. The Quality is lacking a bit though, but I'm wise enough now to know how to deal with it; I need to get back into proper shape, which will cultivate her desire for me again.

Social: I see myself as a picky social person. I have a few close friends and that's it. Recently (once again, 3 months ago), I joined a golf club and play once a week with random people I meet at work. Sundays, I take my son to the driving range. Meeting new people have been great and have improved my social skills immensely.

Books: MMSLP, The Rational Male, and I love listening to Rollo Tomassi's youtube channel. Busy with NMMNG.

GOALS: I've started with the basics of Goal Setting, which at this stage is only getting my life back together. I'm struggling to find purpose driven goals at this stage though. I think I need to first truly define who I am before I can honestly define who I want to be.

Age: 40; married 15 years; 1 kid; 6’6”; Weight: 91kg ; SQ: 65; OH 35; DL 90; BP 45; BR 45

Health & Fitness Feeling good again after a rough few weeks

• Persistent back pain and headaches this month after regular massage went a bit too hard. I need to get better at resolving these (admittedly, once a year maybe) times quicker so I can get back to 100% capacity sooner.
• Lifting has been spotty this month for the above reason, plus a bit of work travel. That said, I'm now in PB territory each day for squats, deads and, as of tomorrow both overhead and row. Celebrating that achievement internally whilst keeping the eye on the prize of the current numbers I've got in my head for a short-term goal.
• I've been working diligently on increasing my diet, as I suspect I'm simply not eating enough to fuel any gains.

Reading: Plane flights, so I re-read a bunch of WISNIFG. Manson is next up.

Social: Good month from a social perspective.

• Boys fishing/hunting trip went off well, and I got to spend a lot of time talking to a couple of great guys that I enjoy being around. Caught, cooked and ate fish on the beach, shot rifles, explored country, talked shit.
• Lots of kids birthday parties at the moment, so weekends are full with going out and talking with other adults. Good opportunity to challenge myself to speak to new people in unfamiliar surroundings.

Hobbies: Slacked off.

• With the work travel and the health problems I've had to miss a bunch of martial arts classes. I'm not happy about that, but at the end of the day my health and business are more important. We have a seminar coming up in a fortnight's time. I'm trying to decide where it sits on my priority list - there's a lot of other stuff on that weekend, and I don't know if I want to dedicate the time to it.

Family: Going good.

• Daughter is getting very tired as we work through the final term of the school year, so she's emotional and short-fused. Working on supporting her from a caring place whilst still enforcing boundaries around acceptable behaviour.
• Interesting seeing the wife mirror her behaviour and moods - reacting to the shape of the container daughter provides.

Relationship: Broken record: generally improving, but slowly.

• Wife has completed her boot camp challenge thing, and had good results - 6kg down, her dresses are fitting her a lot easier/nicer, and she seemed to enjoy it. It was hard for her though, so my job from here on out is to lead us all in healthy eating and lifestyle. We'll see if she continues to come along. Either way, I'm actually looking forward to involving myself more in the kitchen and meal prep.
• Failed to lead last night in bed.
  • Failure #1 - I didn't run my own race. Got too caught up in wife's dramas and insecurities (that I knew about, expected, and thus probably created)
  • Failure #2 - failure to be authentic. I was upset, but I took the easy way out instead of talking with her about what I want. I was afraid it would cause tears or an argument, so I sidestepped the entire thing, but nothing was resolved and there's no reason to think it'll be different next time.
  • Failure #3 - failure to communicate my wants. I know she's not sexually confident or imaginative. I'm cranky because I didn't get off and she's just lying there as if it's OK (since I just told her it was). Why should I have expected it to be any different if I can't communicate?

Work: Good month for the business this month.

• Three of the major prospects that I've been working are all going ahead. After a quite few months ($$$-wise) focusing on the sales process, I'm now in a position to begin to reap the benefits of it. One project has even expanded in scope and budget significantly from the initial talks.
• This has put me in a good place, both short-term cash wise, but also with new long-term relationships that I can develop deeper.
• No resting on laurels - I need to work hard now to keep this momentum going.
• How you make your money is more important than the money you make. I need to ensure that my business dealings are an authentic reflection of my self and my values. Contacted a customer to advise them that they accidentally paid a (rather large) invoice in error. While I'd love to keep the cash (and probably could), my reputation is worth more to me.

Current thoughts: I have been thinking more and more on:

• What do I want?
• Mission vision is getting clearer. Not the specifics, but more of a feeling around who I want to be and why.
• Start passing comfort tests instead of seeing them as an opportunity to score a quick point.

That's it for today.

OYS #20

Stats: 6’4” 206, BF 14%, 35, no kids, together for 14 years total, married for 4. 11 months into improving.

Lifting/Health/etc.: A After doing recomp the first half of the year I switched over to a lean bulk. Starting to see weight/size gains but am keeping my BF in check. Hitting new PR’s on some lifts. Plan to start a new cycle soon with relatively higher weights for squat and DL given my recent 5 rep 1,000 lb club test (did 65 and 40 lbs above my program weights below). 5 rep working sets are:

• Squat - 335
• DL - 300
• Bench - 270
• BR - 260
• Pull ups at body weight + 95

Reading: C Started reading 48 Laws and read some PUA stuff

Game/Frame: B Rightly got my ass chewed last week for being a faggot. Figured out wife wasn’t deleting texts but that isn’t the point.

Received results from the 360 evaluation I did through a leadership program at work. It indicated I need to work on coaching others versus just leading by example, showing others how their work is valuable, and on having tough conversations. I knew the first two were things I need to get better at as I have always had a strong drive for personal success (was more of an individual sport versus team sport person growing up because I performed better when I didn’t have to rely on others). The last one was a surprise to me though as a lot of my job relates to quality control in a way and I am know for being a stickler, but try to explain why something isn’t working versus just saying ‘no’.

I think this blind spot carries over to my home life. Even though I’ve had a lot of conversations with my wife about what I want in a relationship, when I don’t see improvements from her I haven’t really done anything about it. Removing attention has been my go to this year (and in prior years too) but it hasn’t really resulted in improvements in my life. I have been carrying about my MAP with the intention of going nuclear if nothing changes by the end. I realize that has been some passive AF shit. I need to just start being more direct, enforcing boundaries, and escalating more.

My wife started a talk this week and I ended up telling her my needs aren’t being met. She mentioned me being on a pedestal that she couldn’t live up to. Gave her minimal comfort and left it with letting her know she is capable of meeting my needs but needs to work to make it happen. She brought up this boundary issue we’ve been discussing recently. I just firmly stated my stance and left it at that.

Social And guy stuff:

• Visit archery range twice before end of year and get gear to do bow fishing next year
• Plan for draw of tags for four legged animals

OYS #28

Dear diary. I fucked a lesbian over the weekend. This woman hadn't been with a man since college, is currently married to a woman with kids together and had never had an orgasm from a man. I couldn't resist the challenge. Her: "I don't suck dick. It's always been unenjoyable." Me: "I bet you give great blowjobs and just forgot how. I really want you to suck my cock now." Her: "OK, but just take your shirt off." Hnnggggg All I had to do was inject the idea into her head that going back to my hotel was the play.

I haven't felt desire like that before. The only thing I offered her was masculine energy and tingles. She makes more money than me. She paid for everything that night and was just happy to be with me. Being desired simply because I am attractive and fun is a new experience. I didn't feel like I was with a stripper who only stayed with me as long as I tipped her.

She caught feelz and is planning to leave her wife. She was already unhappy before but after meeting me said she hasn't felt that in over 10 years- that raw unbridled attraction for another person regardless of sex. She doesn't want to stay in a marriage where she isn't happy. She is planning her exit strategy after the holidays. I am not divorcing my wife and told her it wasn't an option right now. I wouldn't even entertain an LTR with her on any other woman regardless of my marital status.

I got home from the trip and wife was tired from being alone with the kids and bitchy. Her anxiety was through the roof because of me being away. Her mom stirs the pot and tries to covertly make her insecure about me being gone and always hints to her I am cheating. "Your husband is too attractive. You are such a trusting woman to not get jealous." We hung out Sat night and watched the UFC card together on the couch. I had no desire to game her. I was checked the fuck out. We got into bed and she asks if I am going to rape her (meaning, she says no I am tired, but I fuck her anyway). I just gave her a look of amused incredulity. She fell asleep on my chest per usual. Next morning she offers me a quickie but I passed on it. I felt apathy for her.

Yesterday morning she demanded sex at night. I told her she had to be a good girl if she wanted dick. She tried to show good faith and sucked me off for a minute before leaving downstairs. At night before BJJ class she asks me to fill up her car with gas. I said no. She flips out and cries about it and says I am not meeting her needs. Also reminds me that we are not in a D/s relationship. I just said "Oh, I know". I got home from class and she was still sulky. I ate dinner and went upstairs to read a bit before bed. She follows me up. We get in bed and she is being strange as fuck. She comes up behind me and is massaging me, like I would do to her when I wanna fuck. She started playing with my ass and jerking me off. I roll over on my back and ask her what the fuck she is doing. She tells me to shut up. She rides me like a psycho and cums. We fuck until I cum and I roll over and go to bed. I felt nothing for her except apathy.

One way or another, I am going to be happy. I am going to become the man of value that I envision for myself and the only person standing in the way of that is me. I am getting dressed and driving to an office a few hours away. My plate (or fwb?) is taking me to dinner tonight.

OYS #7

30, W 29, married 1 year. No kids.

Fitness

200 lbs, 13% BF, Squat 275, Dead 305, Bench 205. BLS program. Continuing bulk to 205. Getting to the gym consistently 4x per week. My motivation has been lacking as I haven't been progressing as quickly or as much as I want. Taking a deload week this week after talking with another user to start fresh on my program. Started tracking calories again via myfitnesspal yesterday as well as daily weigh ins. Eating 3000 with carbs 458, pro 205, fat 60. I could probably balance out carb/fat more but I seem to retain the fat calories more than the carb calories as excess fat.

At some point I'm going to have to accept higher BF% in order to get to the lean weight I want which would be 215.

Reading

WISNIFG, NMMNG,MMSLP, Pook, TWOTSM, SGM, Atomic Habits. Started Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich. Started The Power of Zero audio book...on taxes and retirement, recommended by a friend.

Some of the self help books get repetitive although they provide a refresher of concepts that I'm still putting into practice. I enjoying experimenting with different suggestions and evaluating from there.

MAP

Experience the present moment and shape a life that I genuinely enjoy. I will have strong relationships with worthwhile people, give without condition when I am able, and grow in financial stability. Health and wealth go hand in hand and are the building blocks to a life well lived.

Posting to OYS every week forces me to read my MAP back to myself and has helped keep my life in perspective. Even though things are a little slower progression wise right now I'm reminded of the foundation I have set for myself.

Relationship

Things are smooth. Wife is following along with my leadership and getting things done more regularly (grocery shopping). She is following my lead in other areas when I ask her to do something like laundry she gets it done or at least started. We have a lot of social activities over the last month and upcoming which has been fun for both of us as well.

I'm taking more initiative on dating my wife again and set up a good hike and then breakfast at a new place in a different city from ours. Hiking was awesome and the food and restaurant even better. My mentality was solely focused on what I wanted to do for a Saturday morning and it couldn't have gone better, it was nice to have her along.

Shit tests have been easily managed and STFU has continued to be my go to. Other times I simply tell her to do what she wants but I'm doing xyz, next thing you know she's on board with my original plan. I told another poster that every time I stay in my frame I feel my frame "meter" go up and every time I lose frame, I lose several points. This has a put a perspective on three things for me. 1. How much shit is really fucking trivial. 2. What is really important for me? 3. Do you want to "win the battle or win the war?" And by battle I mean stay a sensitive beta that needs mommy's validation and permission or "war" of bringing her into your frame, being stoic, having purpose and thought, the calmness that comes from DNGAF.

SEX

Couple times this week. She initiated once which was cool. Brought in more dirty talk which is feeling natural already and not that dirty just a summation of what I'm thinking or feeling at the time. Put my finger on the brown button during doggy and she left it there for a few seconds before moving my hand..different response than "what are you doing" so I guess that's progress? Don't really care if I cross the anal bridge or not to be honest, I just felt like putting my finger there.

Overall the experience has been better for both of us. Making more sexual jokes and being more playful to continue to break down barriers for both of us.

MENTALITY

All the talk of frame and mentality above only come from reflection of an interaction I had with a friend of mine over some drinks at the bar. Basically we both invest in real estate and he's further along than I am and we both have different opinions of which rental market to target. I also have another job in finance and was feeling cocky and swinging my dick around about putting some of his money in an account with me and investing that way too. Long story short it was dumb dick measuring contest that I only proved myself to be an idiot.

1. He isn't going to change his way of investing in real estate and frankly has more experience than I do.
2. I don't want his money invested with myself anyways because it comes with drama of mixing friends and business
3. My ego got the best of me trying to prove I'm more financially savvy than him. What the fuck for and who the fuck cares? We can both be successful in our own right and way
4. I lost my positive, carefree, dngaf attitude and went into douche mode for no reason. Lost my frame.

ABUNDANCE

Reflecting on this interaction I realized I completely lost the abundance mentality I have been working hard to incorporate. There are plenty of ways to invest and build wealth. Let it be. His success is possible for anyone as is mine. Do you want to have a good time or be right? I'd rather have a good time. There is nothing to gain from being "right" in this situation. Chill out.

I thought about this more at work as well. My job is a lot of sales and I've found myself getting upset when another sales person does better than me. Why? Insecure? YUP. Looking for validation of being the best? NAILED IT. Negative self talk? FOR SURE. Complacent? SOMETIMES. Lack of confidence? Confidence is there but need to OWN IT.

What if I thought abundantly? They always say every no is closer to a yes. Maybe you should believe it. Every time you talk to a client new or established is opportunity for a new sale or stronger relationship. Also that employee that did better than you, they proved it can be done and there is plenty of "fish to catch" , regardless of market conditions, cast the net.

My abundance thoughts are very much in their infancy but I'm starting to grasp the concept and look forward to experimenting.

VALIDATION

When you go to the bar or are with a friend group stop looking for the wives to check you out. It's retarded. Yes I did notice an IOI from one wife I hadn't met before. But stop going back and looking for others. Not to mention you didn't go talk to her or interact with her in any way after that. Validation dies a slow death.

OYS #9

Switched over to posting an OYS every week because the grind isn't very eventful.

Fitness Calculated 1RM (don't get triggered, this is the easiest way to normalize between 4 and 8 rep sets without wasting a lifting day doing my maxes): Bench 220, Squat 360, DL 385. I'm in screaming distance of 1k club, which has been a goal of mine.

Started taking creatine and eating more since I wasn't seeing gains in the weight room. For now, I'm going to focus on getting strong (1k to 1.1k on the big 3) and then cutting, since I feel as though I don't have enough muscle mass for a cut to be worth it right now. Ideally I can find a point where I cut down to about 170-175 without my lifts dropping below 1k.

Lifting 3x per week, 2x treadmill HIIT and various active stuff on the rest days seems like the right balance for me. I've noticed that the HIIT cardio is giving me a little more gas on my 8 rep sets than I had without it.

I've put on 5 lbs in the last week, but most of that is creatine water weight.

Working out is slowly helping me with my other goals as I have more energy than normal to actually do things.

Relationship

Slow and steady progress on this front. My wife is more receptive to physical affection than she was pre-RP.

Plenty of shit tests, but I am a lot better at recognizing/passing them than in was previously.

This is in a pretty good place, and I expect the improvement will continue as long as I am less lazy outside of work and stick to my self-improvement.

Since I've started focusing on eliminating validation-seeking behavior, I've been a lot less inclined to try to fuck my wife. I still am attracted to her, but it seems like a lot of my previous attempts were just me trying to prove what a Big Man I was instead of just wanting fun, hot sex.

I've been lazy about gaming her, mostly because I am busy but partly because I know my game is ass. This needs to be a bigger focus for me.

Hobbies

I've not done a great job on this front. I only played my guitar one night last week, but I'm trying to go to a jam session at the end of November. I'll need to play almost every day if I'm going to get enough of the rust off to actually go on stage, even for a jam session. Ten years ago I was good enough to play live, so it should just be a matter of getting the old chops back. I'll probably just play rhythm anyway, I think it is pretty Bush league to try to play a solo your first time up.

If anyone in Houston wants to jam a little, let me know.

Goals: Play at least a half hour every night, no exceptions

Social

I've gone out socially twice in the last week. This is progressing pretty well, although all of my friends in this city are still through work.

Goals: go out at least once a week. Get my wife used to me taking an evening for myself now and then.

Summary

The grind is slow. Journey before destination.

OYS 14

Stats

Age 64 Ht 5'11" Wt 163 Wife 65 Married 43 Together 46

Reading: 48 LoP, Epictetus Discourses

Physical

Thank goodness for time at the gym. Tenuous situation at work make this opportunity to focus all the more useful.

Abundance

No progress here

Work/Finance

The client is reorganizing, and my role/position is going away. Sometimes during this flux I can move to a different group, other times I end up being let go. This flux is an opportunity to just take things as they happen, and move on if that's what's needed. I have a set of regular contacts that I will activate, but this time of year is always a challenge.

Mindset

Uncertainty in one sphere triggers uncertainty in others. Without effective frame or abundance, I'm fighting rear-guard actions against years-old memories. I have been using some mindfulness/meditation techniques with some limited success. Reading Epictetus helps.

Relationship

Got into a discussion of what I consider still unresolved issues given the recent revelations. She insists that her new behaviors should be evidence of the "new her". Which got into issues of trust and belief, given her history of lies. I offered her a divorce but she insisted she wants to be married to me. Surprisingly, there really wasn't a lot of drama, more just a chat. Not surprisingly, she did not react at all to the idea of divorce. My paper bag frame does not scare her a bit.

Next Step Goals

Get clarity about work situation, rise above the uncertainty, let life happen. Reading this over I realize how much I really need to put into practice all the Stoic philosophy reading as a life attribute for minute by minute behavior.

OYS #17

OYS #16

Stats: 35yo, 6’3”, 198lbs, BF 16% (Navy), SQ = 150lbs / BN = 145lbs / DBR = 55lbs / OHP = 85lbs / DL = 165lbs, WAS Married 13ys (together 17). 4yr old kid. Divorced couple months.

Reading List: Finished NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, SGM, StepMonster & Pook. Currently Reading RM V1 (75%). I need to figure out my next reading, maybe MAP or Bang.

Follow Up: Still enjoying life as a single man but still have a bunch of fagotness I need to work through to become the man I want to be. I did better with the lifts and the eats this week, need to pick up my reading game again.

Physical: Still skinny fat (man boobs are gone but no visible abs). On maintenance calories while lifting. I am still WAF. Lifting with SL5x5, I my form is SHIT across the board, but I have been watching Alan Thrall videos as suggested. I am also working with some HITT cardio and distance cardio when I have less time. Lastly I added pull ups (currently can rep 2) No drugs (17yrs sober), nicotine (7yrs sober), porn (20 months sober) or regular coffee (8 months sober). Need to continue focus on this, I know this week is going to be bad as I have little man solo during my next two workouts. I need to find a plan to get to the gym so I don’t lose my progress as it is.

Finances: Love my Job. Still have a crazy budget with the divorce, lawyers, and this probably won’t settle until house sells and new house is bought, this should be completed in January 2020. Moving is expensive and be I must keep getting my stuff in boxes so I can get out of my current house and move into my new one.

Relationships: After becoming single last week, I re-downloaded Bumble and so far, struck out a bunch on the girls that I find attractive, but the heavyset ones still love me. Then I downloaded Match and that was even worse. Lastly, I tried the app Hinge and oh my have I got some good results so far. I went one 3 dates in 2 days and had a bunch of fun. I have yet to be balls deep but one I want to take that chance with. I want to blame the PC algorithm why I am not matching like I did previously, but I am sure my fagot-ness is transcending platforms. So I know the plan here is to keep lifting, reading and becoming more attractive to get the kind of girl that I want. Plus I need to look outside of the apps because it seems ladies have the natural advantage in that realm.

ONE lady is still kind of in my cards but unless something turns around quick I don’t think anything more fruit will bear from that branch. I also had a great week with my guys and my kid. It was one of the finest weekends I had going out with my guys to a college tailgate.

Goals: LIFT, READ, STFU. Keep my schedule of morning lifts on TRS, then MWF read, STFU and read more every day. Get me right, spend a lot of time with the kid and become more attractive. Some short-term goals are to continue watching Alan Thrall videos, research my next MRP book reading and get back on tracking the food that goes into my mouth.

Been a few weeks. Been working like a mad man, digging myself out of a hole I put myself in. Is what it is.

A few small updates before I go and get back to work:

- Despite massive amounts of stress from the business, I actually feel great. Lack of stress = lack of growth. I'm patching holes I should've patched months ago. Flew out to CA to see a very successful friend and realized it's time for me to fix shit up, get it running to where it pays what it needs to pay, then put it on autopilot and explore new things. Total shift in focus. Love it.

​

- For our 7th anniversary my wife got boudoir photos taken. She had a classy, bound book of glossy photos made for me, then sent me about 200 digital photos. My wife has had major body image issues since her last pregnancy; she never "felt sexy"; all of sudden, here she is in lingerie, tons of ass shots because that's what I like, etc.

The photos are amazing, but what's more amazing is this development in her. Part of that's my progress (dread is real, and she obviously is more likely to feel sexual if I'm more attractive); part of it's purely her own development as a person. It's a very, very good sign.

Growth comes in fits and starts, followed by plateaus. I feel like we may be breaking through a recent plateau. I want to keep pushing our sexual relationship forward, see how far we can take it. Blowjobs every day? Anal? Who knows, I'm curious where it can go.

But I'm happy with how far we've come, and if you told me this was our upper limit, I wouldn't want a divorce. I'd probably supplement outside the marriage, but we've reached a good point, and I prefer my wife to most women I see.

Big difference from when I started here.

​

- TRT continues. I feel good, maybe not quite as great as I did initially, but TRT has also coincided with a period of higher stress and worse sleep. I've noticed I had a similar pattern in heart rate/HRV last year during this time. Slow business, changing weather, etc. Want to try and disentangle the effect of the T (which can raise RHR) and the stress. But my focus is 100x better, I look better (not sure that's from the T or just a period of better diet / exercise), etc.

OYS 22

36, 5’9”, 177 lbs, 14% BF, Married 6 years, together 10, just one little one

Lifts (tested 1RM) - Bench - 185, Squat - 220, Deadlift - 275

The Story So Far

Just trudging along.

Physical

Getting back into the routine after a week away from home was a little rough, but it feels great being back at it. Recently started doing 15 minutes of yoga before every work out, and I gotta say its been a great addition to my morning routine. Not only does it warm up my muscles, it centers me mentally and that combined with lifting seem to create a strong start for the day.

Mental

The family trip was a reminder that I need to work on controlling my emotions, especially in stressful situations. I use to cope with stress by shutting down emotionally, but now I am trying to ride and mange the wave of emotions with mixed results. The most useful tool so far has been to remind myself that 99% of the negative emotions I feel are due to some disconnect between what I am feeling and what I am thinking. Once I stop lying to myself and embrace the emotion it becomes significantly easier to deal with it because I can either a) do something to actually fix the problem b) realize its outside of my control and move one c) learn from my mistakes and move on. The root of the lie is usually in either my perceived abilities, my expectations, or my motivations. It has been a slow, ugly process, but I think I am making progress.

I recently managed to de-couple my sense of self worth from the value I provide to the world. This was surprisingly challenging because I do genuinely like to help others, and I want to add value to the world, but I noticed that when my self worth was coupled to the value I generate it left me always feeling like I would never be good enough. I am now trying to build that self worth by getting my needs fulfilled while continuously improving myself. I still want to strive to add value to the world, but instead of trying to maximize the value added, I am trying to focus on discovering my limits. Any value added while doing so is only a bonus. The goal here is to discover what I suck at, embrace that I suck at something, and then move on. On the flip side, I want to discover exactly what I am great at, rock the fuck out of it, and be proud of what I can accomplish.

Relationship

I need to work on gaming my wife. Week days are devolving into an almost business like mood. When we get back from work we focus on duties around the house, get the little one to bed, have about an hour to ourselves then we pass out. Wake up next day, rinse and repeat. Weekends are a little better, but we have been so busy with family activities that we have not had much time to ourselves. We work great together, but I need to pull my head out of my ass, stop getting lost in the daily routine, and fuck my wife. I have been so focused on the husband/father part of the relationship that I have been neglecting the boyfriend angle. Going to revist some posts on Game, re-read bang, and focus on being more engaged during the week.

Career

My career is the one place I have a clear vision of what I want in my life right now. A promotion is in the works and I have a plan to continue to climb the ranks. Ideally, I will get another promotion in the next 3 years but that is dependent on some factors that are outside of my control. Regardless, I will find other opportunities in the company, and at this point, I am only limited by my own drive. It is weird to have such a clear path forward in one part of my life by have it lacking in other areas.

Where to now?

Keep working, strive to find my limits, have more fun. I also need to formulate a mission to help me stay focused on this journey.

OYS#4

Early 40s. Wife similar age. 2 young kids. 5"6. Weigh about 170lb (it's gone up a little with Gym work). BF: No fucking idea, how about "slightly flabby". 

Currently reading

WISNIFG, MAP, Unchained man.

Physical

Current SL weights: SQ 130lb. BP 90lb. DL 125lb. SP 60LB Gym 3 times a week. Weights are still easy. Progressing nicely, looking forward to where I will be in about a month. 

My immediate plan on this front is to keep it habitual. I already consider it so, but I don't want to get complacent. By end of December I expect to start hitting some walls as that's roughly when I will start getting back to (and hopefully beating) my previous PBs. For now I am mainly concentrating on form and trying to lift well as I progress through the weights.

After that, I don't know how far SLs will take me, or how long it will take me to hit the squat wall. But once I truly can't progress I intend move on to MadCow 5x5. I'm in a pretty decent gym so may look to personal training if things get hairy. My estimate is I'll need to revisit this in about 3-4 months.

Mind

Can't quite put my finger on it, but since I started reading unchained man I have started feeling a lot calmer. The book talks about a key priority being your own happiness etc, but the initial effect it's had on me is calmness. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't know if it's because I've started to realise I really bought into this idea of the "prison" without even realising it, or if it's my realisation that my persistance in trying to keep everyone else happy is fruitless. I still do this, as it's a habitual thing I need to change. But whatever has done this I like it. Or maybe it's just coincidental, I dunno, but there's a journey here I'm really looking forward to. 

Social / Self

So, apart from physical side of things, social/self is a big area I want to work on. My goal here is twofold. 

• Get out of the house and start forming a life away from home
• Create a better social circle in my area. 

To kick this off a couple of weeks back I starting heading to the local golf course at the weekends. This was more for me rather than finding friends, but perhaps it will have the potential to solve that problem too if I find other like minded individuals. For now I find it's a great way to just get some time by myself and reflect/introspect. It started as just going to the driving range for an hour, but last weekend the club president offered me a free round of golf (9 holes this time of year due to the weather) to entice me to join so I accepted. Wife called me about 1.5 - 2 hours in wondering where I was (I'm usually back within the hour), and got a bit pissed off when I told her. I didn't care as I was enjoying myself, for once in my life felt no inclination to justify it. Anyway, this kind of thing gives me a little over 2 hours to myself on the weekend that I do for me. I don't see myself doing the round of golf thing every week, as I have other plans afoot, but I will continue with the driving range and perhaps add the odd round of golf once or maybe twice a month. 

Along with this I'm starting to formulate other ideas that will take me out of the house. There are 3 other clubs / committees that I have started looking into joining that I am interested in as well. 2 of them in particular also provide promise on the social front.

I don't see all of them as being a long term thing, but I'll find the 1 or 2 that fits best for me and will make them stick.

Relationship / Family

I'm slowly turning off the Drunk Captain and taking back the reins. About a month back we were discussing holding a Christmas party at our house, last week I realised I was waiting like a dumbass for my wife to organize it. As soon as my stupid ass brain caught up, I got my ass in gear and just took the lead and started organizing it. Now I realise this is the behaviour I have been subjecting my wife to for YEARS. The poor girl, where the fuck has this captain been. From now on I shall be leading these things. After that party I have more plans to start kicking off. Things like trips away, and other outings and general "house/home" things. Things I have defaulted to her all this time.  

Other than that, the calmness has definitely filtered into family life. Things are just more pleasant. But I have realised that in order to truly fix things here there are other things about me I need to work on first. I am already seeing those areas, like calmness, and more affection/attentiveness as a result, are having a positive impact here. I'm pretty sure there are a few shit tests around the corner to attempt to derail the calmness, but for now all is good. 

Work / Finances

Finances are generally fine. Started working on 2 things over the last few days, one is looking at costs/spending more scrupulously. There are a few areas of personal spending that aren't necessary, or could be restructured. So I'm looking into this. The other is company investment plans, have started to reach out to some local investment portfolio managers so hope to set up some meetings either this week or next.

Goals

• 1000lb club
• Join a Martial Arts club
• Improve golf handicap to single digits

Dear Diary -

Pink or Black?

That is the question. I say pink, because I am a unicorn and it brings out my skin tones very well.

Winter bulk is upon me and so is my winter coat. Coming in nice and thick. I am old, fat and likely stronger than you are. I am also bald and sexy as fuck. I also fuck more than you and the sex I get is better.

Just running a small test blast right now - nothing else. I lift fucking heavy, 4-5 days a week.

40, 5'10", 223#, 12%. Arms are up to 18.25" dry. I feel very strong. Very little aches and pains, and no injuries to report.

I have been officially divorced (signed decree) for just over three weeks.

I have the ex-wife off all my insurance finally. I have netted a $400 a month pay raise, but my monthly payment of CS is $2135. That is a wash of about $1600, but when you factor in hair, nails, Botox, clothes and everything else - plus the actual costs to raise kids - I am money ahead.

I have given myself a goal of 6 months to correct the $25K per year I now have to pay in CS in increase in hustle.

I have decided to stay in the marital home. All her shit is gone. I have a bachelor pad in the reality of a 4 bedroom house, pool which is 80% empty.

I am fucking around with CBD Oil based off recommendations from /u/RStonePT

I am doing a dropper of 1500ml an hour or so before bed. I have stopped taking Trazadone entirely, but I am still taking Ambien.

I think I might fuck up my life and ask Fitchick if she wants to move in.

Thats all.

OYS 064 191105

Stats:

I have no time to get more jacked. The only way is to work less at a job where I work for someone else. I am actively figuring out how to change this.

Rule Zero

I have missed the last two OYS for various reasons. I haven’t rushed to post as I know the solutions, it has taken me weeks to press them. They are long term, require a shit ton of work, but progress is being made. Many things happened in these weeks so I will try to be concise for my own learning.

I went to a friend’s brother’s funeral last week. The guy was fat, drank every weekend, was on heavy medication, well-liked in his peer group, had an HB2 GF (no kids), had friends to carry his casket and dead at 48. By many standards, he accomplished little in his life as his obituary and speakers spoke of nothing beyond daily activities. Standard things were said… fan of X and Y sports teams… railed against local political things (yet did nothing about it) worked his way up in the same ventilation company over 25 years (still on the tools, not in management). Template mediocre life. But, he had something I have almost none of… friend… I need to change this.

I haven’t had sex in eight weeks. I have no sexual interest in the mother of my children (MoMC). I can force myself sure, she isn’t going to say no, but something she said eight weeks ago really stuck with me. It wasn’t just what she said at the time, it has also been my listening to the Book of Pook over and over again.

I read the Book of Pook over a year ago as part of MRP “training”. However, I never internalized any of the book until I began listening to it on repeat. The takeaways I have found in the book are the solutions to my unhappiness in my life and to be quite frank, a way of me to stop hating myself and maybe… just maybe have a better life with MoMC if I chose.

Eight weeks ago after fucking MoMC she said something along the lines of “You just want sex… I am worth more than just a fuck after you get back from the gym”. I replied with a playful “Of course!”, but it took me a few days to process what she said, and it made me realize three things. 1) I don’t like her enough to do anything else with her or even have a better sex life, 2) I am not fully following my mission and 3) I am boring.

I am in the process of solving 2 and 3. This will sort out 1. The major issue now is that not instigating sex with MoMC looks like major butt hurt on her end. She confronted me last week. I let the door open a bit… I paraphrase the conversations.

Me: “You said you are worth more than just a fuck… I agree… and I am too” MoMC: “I stand by that, I deserve more” Me: “If I had my shit together, if I was doing exactly what I want in my life, 100%... you would beg for my dick scraps” MoMC: “...” MoMC: “I never stopped you from doing anything” Me: “No… you never stopped me, I let you stop me. I am no longer negotiating my life with you… it is all up to me”.

She asked again if I was going through a mid-life crisis, I said if this was a mid-life crisis I would be fucking two bisexual 25-year-olds three times a week and still be a simpering fucking loser. I said, when I get my shit together, I still might fuck those two 25-year-old bisexual broads but now invite her along to join in and she would be happy to do so.

Yes I can talk a big game. I just need to implement the changes to get my shit together. Time… Time… Time… Time.

OYS #51

Been at this over a year.

37 yo, 6’0, 162lbs, 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 3 & 13

Gym:

Consistent lifting as usual. I haven’t taken a true BF % measurement in quite a while even but I suspect I’m even lower now than 9.5%. Maybe 8.5-9.0 or so. Does it matter? Nope. Can I lift more than last week or the week before? Yes. Do I weigh more? No. Why? I don’t eat enough for big gainz, and I struggle eating 3000+ kcal. I still get in 220g protein a day. Do I have abs and Adonis line? For days.

I have decided finally on a goal. One more year, 23 more lbs. I want to be 185# / 9.5% by December 2021. I can do it, it’s going to be hard, but why not? I would like to see what I look like as the ideal version of my body. Beyond that, who knows what the next plan will be but I think I will want to sink my time into something else and just maintain. I’m definitely not genetically gifted, but have broad shoulders. My wrists are 6.5in. My waist is 28.5in. Biceps 16in. I’m just not sure how much more I can do with this body sometimes, but I’m sure it’s more than I do now. Keep on.

Work:

I have had 3 interviews in the last week. One wasn’t a fit. Second got me to the 2nd interview – remote domestic role for $150K. The third, and most exciting is that I passed the 2nd interview for the global role with the Big5 tech company and I’m on to the 3rd and 4th interview. This was the role that’s around $300K. I interviewed with the SVP and killed it. I was honest and authentic about my experience, which isn’t a 100% match for the sector. But I can do the job. At the end he asked if I had any questions – and I told him, “Yes, I do have just one. What makes you a great boss?”

You would have thought his jaw dropped. He laughed. Said he was a snazzy dresser, and we bantered back and forth about paisley dress shirts – which I challenged him to admit. He did, then was authentic himself. He said he gives out praise often, says thank you, and is authentic. I told him those were qualities I’d be looking for in my next boss – but I was also looking for someone to challenge me. (The masculine grows with challenge)

We ended the call awesome. “You know what HornsofApathy, you don’t have the perfect resume for this job, but I like you. I think you could do the job. Listen – I just told the guy before you that he wasn’t going to be a fit. He knew more about the tech than you do. But, we can teach the tech. You’re in the running. Let’s setup the next round of interviews and see where it goes”.

I gave it my all, laid it all out about who I am, and maybe that made an impact.

Reading

I’m back to 48LOP while I job search. Trying to understand politically what I need to do to get the next big role. It’s helped me realize some of my failures in the past and what I could have done differently, especially when it comes to guiding/leading others to the best path. Before it was my way, or the highway – which was usually always right – but it’s not about being right. It’s about getting everyone on board with what success looks like first and then moving them towards it.

Social

I have something to own here. I’ve been helping a few guys here at MRP outside of reddit. This week a couple of them blew up as usual and nearly self-destructed. One recovered by shedding his ego by being authentic and the other imploded. I felt happy for one, sad for the other. Both of them have taught me quite a bit about myself through their own manly shit-tests. I value that in my life.

However, what I don’t value is when someone reaches out to me for help but fails to shed their ego in any form. Even after they say, “OH awesome! Thanks! I get it now!!! Thank you”, then turn right back around and seek validation and ego boosting elsewhere. It’s such a faggoty unauthentic thing to do and not the type of man I wish to expend my energy on. Therefore, I’ve decided that my time and energy (which is a gift) is better spent elsewhere. There are dozens of dudes here and in my life that deserve it more. My time is limited. I have failed by putting it in the wrong places. I will not do that again.

Mental/Relationship:

Things continue to be great. I look at my relationship now and realize that I never knew what real passion, desire, authenticity, and love really was. I was a man full of ego and bullshit when I first came here. I’m not perfect now, but I’m happier with the man that I have become and that’s all that matters.

I did a lot of searching inside myself this week and discovered something so dark and deep that it hurt me to the core. If you’ve been reading my shit for a long time, you know I’m a fan of extreme ownership (It’s all your fault). I try my best to live my life knowing everything that happens to me is my fault. Most of the time I can accept my responsibility, change my actions and move forward. I discovered that sometimes, there are things you can never undo.

My wife. It was all my fault, yeah. She was depressed and anxious. She occasionally still gets like that now, but it’s quickly combatted with my leadership. And then it hit me, and a lot of puzzle pieces finally fit together.

I finally got to the root of why my wife has so much trouble connecting authentically with my son. She finally came out and said it – she’s afraid she will never have a little boy and sees how he loves his mom uniquely. She knows she will never have that. Her heart and core desires it more than anything and for once, I believe her. It was such a raw and authentic moment between us.

I watched her spiral into unhealthy habits for the last few years. And now, it’s likely too late because of that and timing. We are older. The depression and anxiety pretty much killed her last window.

We both admitted that she will never get to experience that kind of love for a son. Now that we’re succeeding in living in our masculine and feminine polarity attempting to being harmonious in our journey, I know that my wife’s greatest desire in this world is to feel every kind of love imaginable, and it’s my job to set the course so that she has the opportunity for that. I am the Captain, afterall.

But, I was a faggot. I failed to lead her earlier. I could have, because I have now and it was always possible. But I didn’t. I failed, and in that failure, I took something so precious from another human being. Not my wife, but just another human being who relied on me to lead them…. I failed them in a way that can never be recovered from. And that cuts really, really fucking deep inside of me. The guilt will always be there. I will always have to live with that. It will always be my fault that I did not give her an opportunity to experience that.

This introspection was one of my largest lessons of manhood. It was my responsibility, and I failed. That is something I will never be able to undo. Maybe that’s what being a man is all about. Learning to accept when you truly failed at something that will never be undone. Some things can never be replaced or repaired.

When I came to terms with this, I sat my wife down. I looked deeply into her and told her that I was sorry. I was sorry that I had not led us to here earlier, and this was all my fault. I told her that I would carry this burden, forever, with strength – and this was never her fault. She placed her head on my chest and cried for a long time. I cried too, but not for the same reason as her.

Strength, motherfuckers.