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- Hide Preview | 21 Comments | submitted about a week ago by kittxxn [Post Locked]

This post is inspired from a question posted yesterday on RPW about vetting questions to ask a man. I think a far superior question is what vetting questions you should ask yourself about the man you're with. My thoughts became extensive enough on the topic that I decided to make a separate post.

These are questions I asked myself while I was getting to know my current s/o, and questions I asked myself while I was deciding whether or not to accept the proposal and engagement of my last. These questions provided me valuable guidance, and gave me the courage to do the right thing for myself and my future family. For me, they're non-negotiable. Someone once told me that the greatest gift you can give your children is their father. This isn't a list of what I want in a man, this is what I feel is essential if I expect to build a life and family with someone.

  • Do I respect him? Do I think he's admirable, and do I look up to him? Do I find myself more often asking him for advice or feeling the need to give him advice? Am I proud to show him off to my family and friends? Many woman today don't seem to answer this in the affirmative. It is very difficult to cultivate a healthy relationship with a man you don't respect, and will often leave both people miserable. You should trust his judgement and guidance, and be proud to be his. You should be attracted to him, physically, and also to his character.

  • Is he honest with me? Trusting his honesty and sincerity is a must for a future husband. If you can't trust his word, you can't trust your entire world. You deserve to know the truth about who he is, even the bits he might regret or that might hurt your feelings. It's the foundation of the entire house. Be someone he can tell the truth to. Don't love him because he's perfect, because no one is, and it only pressures him to lie to keep up the frame. If he knows this, and still feels the need to keep things from you, you will wonder your entire life what is real and what is a facade.

  • Do I feel safe and comfortable being honest with him? This is the flip side ladies. If you're with someone that demands perfection from you, you will feel that same pressure to maintain an illusion of perfection. Your husband should be someone that you can come to with anything. If you're pretending to be someone you're not while you're dating, it certainly isn't fair to him, and it also isn't fair to you. Find someone who loves you, accepts your limitations, and helps you be better. Dishonesty is often a personal problem that you need to work through, but you should never be afraid to tell the truth to your partner.

  • Does he make me feel desirable and valued? This is the equivalent of a man's need for respect. How does he look at me? How does he react when I do something special for him? How does he hold me? He should look at you like there's nothing else in the world he's looking for. He should hold you like there's nothing else he's reaching for. Of course, this comes with the assumption that you are putting effort into the relationship, but when you do, does he appreciate it? Many women have turned away from traditional marriage because many men have taken those women for granted. This question includes feeling desired and beautiful in the bedroom, as well.

  • What is he like when he is upset? Many men, especially younger men, have not yet gained the reins on their anger or frustrations. Does he shout and curse at you unnecessarily? Is he quick to become physically aggressive towards other men? Does he have a quick temper? Is it worse when he drinks? Is he rude? Men might think this behavior is "alpha" but it is quite the opposite, and a major turn off. Good, strong men are in control of their emotions and words as much as they are in control of situations. A soft, low, stern tone is much more effective at communicating grievances than throwing a tantrum like a child.

  • Are we compatible with values, morals, priorities, religion, finances, style, motivations, politics, etc? I can't make this question more specific, because everyone's compatibility varies individually. But do you often find yourself in disagreement with him about the things in your life you both want and care about. Infatuations can often distract us from learning the core of a person, and can cause us to overlook serious compatibility issues that might not matter now, but will matter in 5, 10, 20+ years. This includes things like how you want to raise your children, what amount of spending and saving is acceptable, where you want to live, and even, what constitutes an ideal weekend? Significant differences in answers indicate a pretty serious problem. I know these questions can be hard to ask, but they are invaluable.

  • Is he receptive to my needs, concerns, and ideas? While many of us RPW believe in the captain/first mate dynamic, and trust our men to lead us, we still need to find a man who values our input, including things within the relationship, that we might have concerns about. If something's important to me, does he make it important to him too? If something makes me happy, does he make it a priority? If something upsets me or makes me uncomfortable, does he care?

  • Does he help me be the best version of myself? Does my love and respect for him inspire me to improve, to take care of my body, to sort myself out? Does my commitment do the same for him, or does he use it as an excuse to "let himself go," physically or with general motivation? Does he have humility about the things within himself that he should work on? Does he know how to apologize and how to forgive? A healthy relationship makes both participants better and stronger.

  • How does he act when he's faced with a challenge? Does he give up or push forward? Is he a hard worker? Salary and job security are fine measures of success, but choose a man with the attitude of a successful man, not just the bank account of one. Choose a hardworking, industrious, motivated, and ambitious man with a 40k salary over one with a multi-million dollar trust fund from daddy without a single callous on his hands.

I'd love to hear from everyone what other questions they ask themselves. Have a beautiful weekend!

[-] fumblesRPW 28 Points about a week ago

This is wonderful!

I especially love this bit --

Salary and job security are fine measures of success, but choose a man with the attitude of a successful man, not just the bank account of one.

I haven't been able to articulate this. My SO is at the beginning of his career, but he has the attitude of a successful man, and that's sooooo attractive. It bodes well for his potential.

[-] 19_LadyScarlet_90 3 Points about a week ago

I loved this part too. When my husband & I started dating, he didn't have much- in fact, he was still living with his parents & working for their business. But I saw the drive he possessed, & even though we were stretched pretty thin the first 2 years together, through my husband's determination & work ethic, we are now MUCH more comfortable. I know he will continue to reach higher & be an excellent provider :)

[-] fumblesRPW 1 Point about a week ago

I'm so excited to see what he becomes ❤️

[-] 19_LadyScarlet_90 1 Point about a week ago

I feel the same way about my hubby. I'm very proud of him & how hard he's worked, & continues to work. I've enjoyed watching him grow over the last 3 years, and I too, am excited to see what he becomes! ????

[-] Lilviscious 14 Points about a week ago

Thank you for sharing such insights! This is definitely some food for thought, and I am very agreeable with your list of questions as I feel they strive to filter what is most important to you and a possible future together, which in the long term is what I value a lot.

I am currently in a ltr of 3 years and could answer many of your questions with a content look on my face. I hope this post gives many people motivation to seek a healthy relationship but not expect things they themselves won't want to provide.

[-] stripethrowaway 11 Points about a week ago

I think another one to add is: how is he around his family?

[-] Tenth_10 10 Points about a week ago

Excellent post. Just one nitpick :
"Men might think this behavior is "alpha" but it is quite the opposite"

We don't think anger is the right behavior. Anger is pseudo-dominance, it might be impressive on the moment but it never last. And on top of that, anger equals losing frame. And alphas keep their frame at all times.

[-] fumblesRPW 9 Points about a week ago

I think that's pretty much what she was getting at -- I read it as alpha in finger quotes, haha.

Also, RPW don't typically advise coupling with alphas. We typically go for "soft alphas" or "greater betas" because they're better LTR prospects.

[-] kittxxn 1 Point about a week ago

Okay, some men. I agree with you, which is why I said it was the opposite, but still have seen countless self proclaimed alphas act ridiculously in a fit of anger. I’m sure many TRP men understand the difference.

[-] SushiWizard 5 Points about a week ago

Great list. I was struggling with this

[-] 19_LadyScarlet_90 4 Points about a week ago

PREACH! So much "yes" all this! These are the questions you need to ask yourself in any relationship if you want it to last!

With my ex, it was a solid "no" to all this, hence why the marriage failed. I WISH my mother had gone over some of this with me as a teen! I was so naive when I entered the dating world, I messed up big time in my first marriage. Happy to say, I can answer "yes" to all these with my now husband ♡.

Ladies, check yourself on these points in your relationships or before entering one. Moms, go over this stuff with your daughters so they are more prepared than I was! There is so much wisdom in this post!

[-] party_dragon 3 Points about a week ago

Good list. Same should apply to men picking a wife (or gay couples too) or really any long-term intimate relationship (business partner?).

[-] black-and-white-keys 2 Points about a week ago

Great post! For me religion played a big difference in who I was willing to go on dates with. And all the things you listed are great!

[-] OkJicama 2 Points about a week ago

The post I've been waiting for. Thank you for this!

[-] [deleted] 2 Points about a week ago

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[-] ConservativelyRight 5 Points about a week ago

When you find yourself nagging, it's because he doesn't respect you.

Strongly disagree. Women can nag independent of whether or not the man respects them, and it seems to me the more they know they are respected, the stronger they feel entitled to nag. Now, I do think women can become upset as a result of never being consulted on important issues, but this should not be classified as nagging.

[-] Leg_Mcmuffin 1 Point about a week ago

This is good stuff

[-] orogu 1 Point about a week ago

I can’t believe I’ve found a man who fills all these quotas... I’m so lucky

[-] [deleted] about a week ago
[-] [deleted] -4 Point about a week ago

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[-] fumblesRPW 5 Points about a week ago

I know you're offering help, but announcing 'man here' will get your comment removed. Give the rules a gander before posting.