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| submitted 9 months ago by kittxxn [Post Locked]
This post is inspired from a question posted yesterday on RPW about vetting questions to ask a man. I think a far superior question is what vetting questions you should ask yourself about the man you're with. My thoughts became extensive enough on the topic that I decided to make a separate post.
These are questions I asked myself while I was getting to know my current s/o, and questions I asked myself while I was deciding whether or not to accept the proposal and engagement of my last. These questions provided me valuable guidance, and gave me the courage to do the right thing for myself and my future family. For me, they're non-negotiable. Someone once told me that the greatest gift you can give your children is their father. This isn't a list of what I want in a man, this is what I feel is essential if I expect to build a life and family with someone.
Do I respect him? Do I think he's admirable, and do I look up to him? Do I find myself more often asking him for advice or feeling the need to give him advice? Am I proud to show him off to my family and friends? Many woman today don't seem to answer this in the affirmative. It is very difficult to cultivate a healthy relationship with a man you don't respect, and will often leave both people miserable. You should trust his judgement and guidance, and be proud to be his. You should be attracted to him, physically, and also to his character.
Is he honest with me? Trusting his honesty and sincerity is a must for a future husband. If you can't trust his word, you can't trust your entire world. You deserve to know the truth about who he is, even the bits he might regret or that might hurt your feelings. It's the foundation of the entire house. Be someone he can tell the truth to. Don't love him because he's perfect, because no one is, and it only pressures him to lie to keep up the frame. If he knows this, and still feels the need to keep things from you, you will wonder your entire life what is real and what is a facade.
Do I feel safe and comfortable being honest with him? This is the flip side ladies. If you're with someone that demands perfection from you, you will feel that same pressure to maintain an illusion of perfection. Your husband should be someone that you can come to with anything. If you're pretending to be someone you're not while you're dating, it certainly isn't fair to him, and it also isn't fair to you. Find someone who loves you, accepts your limitations, and helps you be better. Dishonesty is often a personal problem that you need to work through, but you should never be afraid to tell the truth to your partner.
Does he make me feel desirable and valued? This is the equivalent of a man's need for respect. How does he look at me? How does he react when I do something special for him? How does he hold me? He should look at you like there's nothing else in the world he's looking for. He should hold you like there's nothing else he's reaching for. Of course, this comes with the assumption that you are putting effort into the relationship, but when you do, does he appreciate it? Many women have turned away from traditional marriage because many men have taken those women for granted. This question includes feeling desired and beautiful in the bedroom, as well.
What is he like when he is upset? Many men, especially younger men, have not yet gained the reins on their anger or frustrations. Does he shout and curse at you unnecessarily? Is he quick to become physically aggressive towards other men? Does he have a quick temper? Is it worse when he drinks? Is he rude? Men might think this behavior is "alpha" but it is quite the opposite, and a major turn off. Good, strong men are in control of their emotions and words as much as they are in control of situations. A soft, low, stern tone is much more effective at communicating grievances than throwing a tantrum like a child.
Are we compatible with values, morals, priorities, religion, finances, style, motivations, politics, etc? I can't make this question more specific, because everyone's compatibility varies individually. But do you often find yourself in disagreement with him about the things in your life you both want and care about. Infatuations can often distract us from learning the core of a person, and can cause us to overlook serious compatibility issues that might not matter now, but will matter in 5, 10, 20+ years. This includes things like how you want to raise your children, what amount of spending and saving is acceptable, where you want to live, and even, what constitutes an ideal weekend? Significant differences in answers indicate a pretty serious problem. I know these questions can be hard to ask, but they are invaluable.
Is he receptive to my needs, concerns, and ideas? While many of us RPW believe in the captain/first mate dynamic, and trust our men to lead us, we still need to find a man who values our input, including things within the relationship, that we might have concerns about. If something's important to me, does he make it important to him too? If something makes me happy, does he make it a priority? If something upsets me or makes me uncomfortable, does he care?
Does he help me be the best version of myself? Does my love and respect for him inspire me to improve, to take care of my body, to sort myself out? Does my commitment do the same for him, or does he use it as an excuse to "let himself go," physically or with general motivation? Does he have humility about the things within himself that he should work on? Does he know how to apologize and how to forgive? A healthy relationship makes both participants better and stronger.
- How does he act when he's faced with a challenge? Does he give up or push forward? Is he a hard worker? Salary and job security are fine measures of success, but choose a man with the attitude of a successful man, not just the bank account of one. Choose a hardworking, industrious, motivated, and ambitious man with a 40k salary over one with a multi-million dollar trust fund from daddy without a single callous on his hands.
I'd love to hear from everyone what other questions they ask themselves. Have a beautiful weekend!