My husband and I have never quite worked out how and when to discipline our children and that has been a recurring problem.

Neither of us are strict. I don’t like making or enforcing unnecessary rules. But there are some basics - like “don’t hit”, “wear at least one type of clothing”, “brush your teeth or let me do it”, things like that which are actually health and safety matters - that I cannot get him to take seriously at all.

When I was a SAHM, I felt miserable because I was doing 100% of the enforcing on these basic things. There was no “united front”. Not only would he not back me up with this, he would see me struggle to get these things done while one or both of our children is having a kicking, biting tantrum and then turn around and basically betray me: he would scoop them up and tell them I was “the mean lady”. For getting them dressed so we could leave the house. My relationship with my children was deteriorating because of him constantly doing these manipulative things. He would even ask me to do something in private - like “could you brush their hair again before grandma comes?” - and then betray me again by telling them I was mean for doing so. I eventually asked him why he did things like this. He said: “I work a lot and I want our kids to associate me with good things when I come home”. This still didn’t seem fair to me, because it makes my job harder and hurts and isolates me, but I understood and tried to accept it.

Fast forward to this year. He quit his job because of some workplace issues, so I jumped at the opportunity to give him a break from working and enter the workforce myself for a while. He would stay home with the kids - one of them is too young for school and the other has special needs.

It seemed like he desperately needed a break from working and I just didn’t want to feel like the whole house was against me anymore.

So I’ve been working and he has been a stay at home dad.

This is crazy, but… nothing has changed.

The things he used to try to manipulate them into hating me for doing, like personal hygiene: he has been simply not doing them and then not telling me or asking me to assist him.

When I found out he wasn’t bathing them, I did it.

When I found out he wasn’t feeding them cooked meals (mostly things like dry cereal) because it’s difficult, I made it in the crockpot before leaving for work (I work 3rd shift with a long commute).

When I found out he wasn’t cleaning their bedrooms, I did it.

When I realized he wasn’t going to take them to speech therapy events (one of them has a speech delay), I made sure we went.

When I realized he wasn’t brushing their teeth, I did it.

I could go on, but you get the gist: he is still trying to be the “Disney dad” and is pushing all the “difficult parts” about being a stay at home parent off on me. Which was already wrong before - I tried to explain the concept of a united front to him before and he just blew me off - and is definitely wrong now.

I work 12 hour shifts with a nearly 2 hour commute. I barely get to see my children now, and I accept that is a consequence of switching roles. But now every interaction I do have with them has made them bitterly hate me, because I have to spend my time at home doing elements of their care which their father has neglected and they are too young to understand this.

And then I have to leave again. He has been doing only a fraction of what being a stay at home parent entails and leaving the rest for me to do. I don’t understand what is going on in his head. I can tell he knows this is wrong - he isn’t stupid and he has a guilty look every time he sees me doing one of the things he has neglected. And his response isn’t to start helping, but to start hiding.

When he gets overwhelmed by things at home with the kids, I’ve seen him literally curl up in a ball and start falling asleep like a turtle trying to hide in a shell. His response to stress is to hide. He will do this even on days when I’ve been working like a dog. Many days I’ll be gone for nearly 16 hours, he’ll ask me if I can take over while he takes a 2-3 hour nap before I have to go to work again. I have even tried to setup things to be easier for him and it doesn’t fully register in his brain why certain things are a responsibility whether the child throws a tantrum or not. For example, I said “this basket has all their combs and brushes in it” (because their hair was matted in places). His reply: “No, I’m not getting involved in battles I can’t win”. He doesn’t seem to realize why this type of neglect is wrong and why he should at least help me since I’m still doing it.

Sorry, I’m ranting now, this is just extremely unfair and I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked him repeatedly if he is okay with his new role and he has said he’s fine; I don’t know how to get anywhere with a person who won’t be honest. Maybe he is fine, but I know the idea of doing any of the “hard” parts makes him curl up in a ball and claim a sudden headache. This is not sustainable.