Tomorrow is my 10 year anniversary with my fiance; here are some things I've learned to cultivate a happy relationship | RedPillWomen

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Dusty_Rose16

Posted 2y ago in RELATIONSHIPS - Permalink - Locked - 2.3K Views

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This sounds really nice,I hope everyone can find true love out there. To spread the cycle, everyone must face reality,you must admit physical attraction is important, as well as sexual compatibility, do not settle.it is bad for the both of you. Most important to yourself. You have to love yourself and be selfish before you can love anybody else and be selfless

VictoriaSobocki 2y ago

Great tips

Cultural-Debt11 2y ago

Welp ok congrats to both of you. I am your same age, but I have behind me 10 years of failed relationships lol but what you guys have sounds amazing and beautiful and true and pure. Thanks for keeping my hopes alive that I can find a girl like you out there! And congratulations again and best of luck for the future

TheFruitofKnowledge 2y ago

Solid advice! People criticizing the importance you place on sexual compatibility are probably just not that into sex. Just like some people are foodies and some eat to survive. Best wishes on building your family!

octopusinatutu 2y ago

Awe I love this!! A lot of what is here my husband and I do too, and its nice to see some things here written out that I know I can do better with.

That being said, I sort of just knew without getting intimate with my now husband that we were sexually compatable, the way we kiss and how we demonstrate affection for each other as well as being comfortable with the topic of sex as a whole gave me a good indication of our compatibility.

Does anyone have any other suggestions of a good way to find how sexually compatible two people are if they share a belief of not having sex before marriage?

Im looking for mature answers here, not "the only way to know is to try" because I dont really think thats always true, but I only have my expeience to share.

TheFruitofKnowledge 2y ago

Here is my advice for those who want to know about sexual compatibility before having sex with someone. I think there are two main components to sexual compatibility:

How frequently would you like to have sex/how important is sex to you?
What kinds of things turn you on?

I think being on the same page for 1) is more important for a happy sex life. How often you think about sex might be an okay proxy for how often you will want it. Some people don't care much about sex and that's okay! But they should be with other low sex drive people or it's a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings.

And 2) would include things like how adventurous/vanilla you are, do you like a power imbalance, any specific kinks or curiosities, any sexual activities that you are not comfortable with (oral, anal, specific kinks). There are both physical and psychological components to arousal. Women's arousal tends to be more psychological. Of course, a person may not really know what they like or how frequently they'd like it if they have zero sexual experience. If that's the case, then try to think about any scenes in movies or books that turned you on. Try masturbation and porn/erotica if it's compatible with your beliefs. Does your partner turn you on?

tl;dr: Figure out what turns you on if you don't already know, guess how often you'd want sex in a relationship, then talk about it with your partner. Above all, make sure you see eye to eye on how important sex is to you.

SnowOnCinders 2y ago

also interested in answers to this question, maybe you should make a separate thread? :)

hugpie264 2y ago

Thank you, I really appreciated you sharing this.

Sad-Strength8787 2y ago

You sound like you’re on the track to becoming an extraordinary wife!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

That’s my goal!

pajinkle 2y ago

You two really sound like a team, not just two people who happen to get along (as some people tend to think of relationships in this way). You have something special and this list is so wholesome!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Honestly I almost had one of them be “we are a team” because we are! Our parents call us “a great team” and we truly do feeling that way about each other. Thank you so much!

vvolfling 2y ago

Honestly this sounds exactly like me and my partner! Except for the last one - we say “I love you” several times a day. To each their own I guess ☺️

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Totally respect that! ☺️ I know it’s a weird one lol. So happy for you and your partner!

vvolfling 2y ago

Same to you!

tennis_dude13 2y ago

What an amazing list! You two deserve each other!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Thank you so much! :)

her_crimson_tablet 2y ago

I love this list, thank you for sharing!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it!

Jenneapolis 2y ago

I love that you call out sexual compatibility. So many people feel guilty about caring about this but it’s very important, not everything of course but I don’t know how some people think they can get by without having it!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

It is honestly the foundation of our deep connection!

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LivelyLychee 2y ago

No proselytizing and no moralizing. Removed.

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emmalai85 2y ago

We do some things differently, but your list is a fair example of how it works for you and I'm glad you shared.

i need to hear I love you often, I had abandonment issues as a child, and I make sure to tell my children I love them every day, when I'm angry, I tell them I'm angry, but I still love them and I just need a few minutes to calm down.

When I'm angry with my husband, I try to tell him I love him. We never leave each other with out a long hug and saying goodbye and we love each other. If those are our final moments, I want to remember that we parted with love. So, I love you in our household, is incredibly important.

For us - that's important. We've been married for 16 years this year.

I agree with most of your list, about fighting fair, I'm autistic and I have PTSD/Meltdowns sometimes, and I try to isolate myself, and I've learned to communicate with my older kids, and my husband via discord/text to make sure we still have a way to communicate, I sometimes simply can't verbally communicate the way I want too, and i need to respect my limitations and use other tools. The fact that he understands that and allows it, is the key to our communication success.

Active listening and really hearing each other, I will say something, and he will hear it, and take it differently than I meant it and vice versa. Being able to have the space and maturity to effectively get on the same page, is important.

Misunderstandings will happen, speaking up for it, is important. being able to take feedback and figure out how to get on the same page, is really important to help prevent resentment and frustration.

The problem I think is a lot of people aren't willing to compromise on communication styles, love languages, the amount of time in the world, etc.

I definitely agree with sex, but I also get bent out of shape if we don't have sex most days in some fashion, he's older (50 this year) and can go a couple days with out having a need for sex, but if it's available, he's happy to have it.

I'm 37 this year, and I loved sex in my 20's, but I crave sex in my 30's. LOL Even with having had 6 children, I find time to boink him at least once a day, preferably, twice. LOL

I didn't let myself go and that is so sensitive to talk about it with people, but staying in decent shape so we can be active, and do things, and be beautiful for him and try to age gracefully, is for me, too, not just for him, but it's important.

HappilyMrs 2y ago

The parting with love thing is important to me to. My great grandparents were having an argument one morning before he went out to work in the fields (he was a farmer). He got hit by a car and killed. She lived another forty five years after that, always hurting that she hadn't said she loved him as she always did every day

Puzzleheaded_Hat2071 2y ago

Sexual compatibility is #1. Men will put up with a lot if they are with a sexually submissive girl. If you arent crazy and are sexual, your man will be happy! Initiate, put out often, and be very enthusiastic - it took me wayyy to long to realize this! I was too shy and embarassed, but over the last year have really understood how important this is to men. Now, I just sneaked a look at my husband’s phone and his most recent porn search entries are for “wife”

MuseofPetrichor 2y ago

What is "love and light"? You actually have some good points.

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Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

I totally understand what you’re saying. There is a reason: we were never going to get married and changed our minds last year. He saw a lot of divorce in his life and my parents split right when we got together. We also knows how much the courts screw over men in divorce, and he has always told himself he never would. It wasn’t until last spring when I brought up the fact that I felt ready to get pregnant that we started discussing marriage.

People change and grow. Now we want to get married to be able to have that foundation for our children. We’re having a very small ceremony-only wedding.

I totally can understand how people would think this was weird, or that he has “commitment issues”. Or that I think the relationship is better than it is. We have stayed together because we truly want to be together. In these 10 years nothing was holding us together and we both still stayed.

Also to respond to your concern about sex being our foundation. Of COURSE there’s more to our relationship besides sex. But we have both agreed that if we were not sexually compatible in the beginning of our relationship then we wouldn’t be together still. I also treasure our active and loving sex life because it makes me feel close to him. It makes me feel wanted, safe, secure in the relationship. Maybe that’s “wrong” of me, but it’s the truth.

pearlsandstilettos 2y ago

There isn't a sound reason to try to give OP cold feet. Take a break from this thread.

SunshineSundress 2y ago

I feel like this is a bit unnecessary. She’s already engaged to him, so OP’s fiancé has already made an effort to take their commitment to the next level. They are literally getting married next month. She has made plans with her SO to try to conceive later this year. It seems like they’re planning for a family, not like her SO just wants “sex and support but not permanent commitment.”

OP also says she started dating him at 18. I know there are traditional/conservative people who have no problem getting married in their late teens/early twenties, but there are also A LOT of people who want to get married/have a family but definitely wait to wait until they are older and more established. The average age that people get married in the US these days is around 29-30. Sweeping generalizations like this:

Men who want a wife simply don’t wait that many years.

doesn’t take into account that some people have met the right person that has the same life goals as they do, but are not yet ready to take on that goal in their lives. Expecting a man to propose in his early twenties (at least in big, progressive-leaning areas) seems somewhat unrealistic. He stayed committed to her while they matured and grew into adulthood together, and now that they feel ready to settle down, they are.

I don’t think it’s particularly productive to be sowing doubts into OP’s mind about the stability of her relationship when it seems like she’s very happy with what she has and how her relationship is progressing. The goal of RPW is to maintain and improve our relationships with men, instead of looking for reasons to leave 10-year relationships unprovoked. We have this rule and extensive discussion on it for a reason.

That makes it extra concerning that you say sex is the foundation of your connection to each other.

I’m not sure we’re looking at the same post. Sex was ONE point of her post. She has 9 other points on healthy communication, nonsexual intimacy, emotional support, and upholding health standards. OP says that sex is foundational because it is and has long been something we’ve discussed as the glue that holds a relationship together here at RPW. Just because sex is a pillar of her relationship doesn’t mean that she didn’t mention ALL the other nonsexual pillars of her relationship too.

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SunshineSundress 2y ago

Those relationships flounder and fail as soon as the feelings do.

Sure, but they’ve been together since their late teens for 10 years and are now getting married. Puppy love and infatuation usually doesn’t last this long. I think you’re also glossing over her discussing her very clear conflict resolution and support points. THOSE are what you need for when you go through stress and tragedy. She mentioned how he supported her through her failed businesses and how she supported him through unemployment. She also explains how to navigate tricky situations and how to diffuse anger and actually communicate.

I agree with you that shared values and goals are important for any relationship to last, but I don’t think you need to share hobbies, causes, or interests to make a relationship successful. What matters more is a sense of respect and appreciation for the things that your partner is invested in. I certainly don’t expect my man to partake in my love for haute couture! It is also nice that we have a shared love for stand up comedy, but I wouldn’t say that is the bedrock of our relationship.

girlwithasidecar 2y ago

Why be a killjoy here? She's been with him since she was 18, it's not as though young marriages have a high success rate.

Do you think her advice isnt sound?

OkraGarden 2y ago

I don't think it's all good, no. There are multiple red flags.

I'm not being a killjoy, I'm trying to gently point out that someone who has been sleeping with a man for 10 years but hasn't married him yet may not have as solid a footing to hand out relationship advice as she thinks especially when paired with some of the details she has given.

-1

Sad-Strength8787 2y ago

I think she’s pretty damn smart.

They may not be legally married but she is committed to this man, and he is committed to her. She hasn’t been riding the “cc”. Marriage is not linear. The way a woman locks a man down differs.

girlwithasidecar 2y ago

Why not push back on the actual advice then? What do you actually disagree with? So far I'm just getting that you disagree with the length of her relationship.

SnowOnCinders 2y ago

I'm curious to hear more. I think sex is super important and have literally broken up with someone because of lack of sexual compatibiliy. But even I wouldn't say it's #1, I think it's a part of a larger overall physical+emotional attraction (we all know sex isn't just physical for most women...).

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

I think the reason why I say it’s #1 is because sex is the ONLY thing that differentiates your relationship from your spouse with your relationship to anyone else. Emotional support, getting a mortgage, co-signing on a loan, going on vacation, companionship etc. All of these things can be done with anyone, but sex is the one thing that you ONLY share with your spouse/partner. Without it we wouldn’t have the connection we do. And you’re right, sex makes me feel emotionally connected to him. I’m sure for men it’s much different but he would agree with me that it’s vital to our relationship.

girlwithasidecar 2y ago

It's not concerning. It is one of the main things that makes a relationship a marriage and not a close friendship. Please do not let others make you doubt yourself.

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girlwithasidecar 2y ago

A husband is not the be all end all of your support network, nor should he be. There are times that you need other people. You should have close and lasting relationships with others and they will all have a slightly different flavor.

You shouldn't have a sexual relationship with others.

Obviously sex is not important to you.

It is the way by which most men feel loved in relationships. And I know personally it is what keeps me balanced when life gets stressful.

Sex is bonding in a way that few other things are. It released hormones meant to bond you.

A marriage is many things but the OP isn't wrong to say that sex is what differentiates it from your best friend or your sister. Honestly the more you push on this point the more I question the health of your relationship.

SnowOnCinders 2y ago

Idk why people are trying to undermine your perspective here, I personally think it's a valid one. I also think that this line from OP is strange, maybe OP can elaborate why she thinks that sex is really the only thing differentiating a romantic relationship and a close friendship:

All of these things can be done with anyone, but sex is the one thing that you ONLY share with your spouse/partner.

I would not say you can get the same type of emotional connection with a platonic friend as you should get with an SO in a committed relationship. But feel free to change my mind!

I also don't understand why people are undermining the importance of shared values and life goals in a marriage, none of which is mentioned on the OP. You can't always rely on sex to keep the relationship flame alive! (Again I say this as someone who knows 100% the importance of sexual compatibility).

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Sex is totally what separates your relationship with anyone else! I have a really deep emotional connection with my best friend. We have shared feelings, listened to one another cry, called each other to vent, shared birthdays, trips, experiences, rooted for one another to do well, celebrate victories and supported each other through tragedies. But we don't have sex. Sex bonds you together like nothing else can and that's what I have with my man and no one else. (Although I can agree that I don't share the same emotional connection with my best friend as I do with my fiance, and I think that's because of sex. Because sex pair bonds me to him so deeply)

I'm not sure if you missed this but right below my list in my original post I wrote "There's other things that are important to have as well such as respect, integrity, loyalty, shared values and life goals, but I didn't want this post to be too long!"

I could make an extended list discussing loyalty, honesty, shared values, life goals, etc. We are on the same page in life with what we want and it's a great feeling. We have financial and savings goals. We spend time together doing hobbies we both enjoy, and we also enjoy separate hobbies that we enjoy alone. We also have helped each other emotionally. When we first got together I was overly emotional and he was detached from his emotions. He didn't even know what to do when I cried. Little by little I learned to not cry over everything and and he's opened up a lot more and doesn't have that hard shell. I think this is a very special part of our relationship.

However I can understand that it can be interesting to look at what I chose to leave out of this list, so that's valid!

damqnaz 2y ago

This is great i love it especially the part with the superhug ....i use to have someone that really made.me.feel like the best part of the day is coming back from work and seeing her even after we spoke on the phone all day but unfortunately we had many other issues i just wish somebody teach us those thing when we are younger.....

sklindo 2y ago

This sounds so perfect. Congrats!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

Thank you! Definitely not perfect but we are working on making it the best we can :)

anonavocado0 2y ago

Thank you so much for sharing, I love this and will be applying this :)

keikokupcake 2y ago

Thank you for this list. My SO and I have been struggling to get into the hang of living with one another (LTR for 2 years initially). I definitely feel you on the struggle with communication thing and it's something I've really been trying to work on. This list has given me a lot of insight on things though, so thank you!

Dusty_Rose16 2y ago

I’m so glad it’s given you some insight! Living together initially can be a challenge because you are learning A LOT about each other in ways that you didn’t when you weren’t living together lol