When I was a young bride, I was at my grandparents' home one day. My grandmother looked me in the eyes and said something to the effect of:
Honey, always treat your husband as your number one. Always, in every situation. His wish is your command. Never take him for granted. Treat him like God's gift to you.
There will be times when you will be frustrated with him, there will be times when you quarrel. There will be times when you will feel drained or when practically speaking, you must attend to the baby. Nevertheless, even during these times, you should do at least one thing every day that tells him loud and clear: you are always my number one in the whole wide world!
At the time, my head was filled with other ideas. Ideas of female empowerment and equality. I was convinced that I would enter into a marriage of equal partnership between equal partners.
I was respectful of her because I love and respect this woman, with all my heart. But my facial expression must have given away my disagreement. She continued:
You don't agree with me now. That's okay. One day you will learn. I hope you learn the easy way and not the hard way.
I got married and everything was going well for the first year or so. After all, what's to go wrong during this time? We were both young and healthy and our needs were minimal. We were madly in love and we had sex very often.
But then, over time, life started to get in the way. The marriage wasn't so new and that special excitement wore off. We started to argue a bit more than we had previously.
Then there were some health challenges, pregnancies, births, babies, toddlers... Obligations and exhaustion dialed up to 11. I'm ashamed to say, that for many months, I almost completely neglected my husband. Even worse, I was short and demanding. I nagged him to hell and criticized his every move. I became a real bitch.
In my head, I felt justified. After all, he's a grown man and the babies are helpless little humans. I was in full mommy mode and I deserved -DESERVED - the world from him for nothing in return.
This went on for a while until I was over at my grandmother's once again. She asked me how it was going and I was about to start saying that everything was fine when she held my arm to stop me. She said:
Honey, you can't fool me. I know it isn't going well. You can speak to me if you'd like. You don't have to.
I burst out in tears. So many emotions all at once. She kept handing me tissues as she held my shoulder and arm. I realized that she had been right all along. I wanted to change but I was afraid and terribly embarrassed.
Over time, she taught me how to rebuild my marriage and regain the trust of my wonderful husband. Maybe another day, I'll write down some more of her wisdom.
What I'd like to conclude with today is the lesson that is in the title: to always treat your husband as your number one. Always always always. No matter what.
He needs to know that he is your number one. Your children need to know that he comes before they do. It's good for them to not be the center of the universe. It's good for them to see how you treat your husband like God's gift to you. It's good for your marriage too, obviously.
Yes, sometimes, you need to change a diaper or calm a crying baby, before anything else. But even during these times, try to do at least one thing every day, that tells him loud and clear: you are my man and you are my world!
Candid_Owl7422 1y ago
Grown adult> Children that are dependent on you for everything as they learn to navigate the world
Appropriate_Bee_9006 1y ago
Always?! I know you mean well but this sounds deranged. So he beats you and the kids. He's still your number one? Long-term without a job, won't do work that's 'beneath' him to put food on the table? I think you don't mean this literally and I AM most definitely red pill but this post is so full of hyperbole I CAN honestly see why feminism came about.
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pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
We don't broadly insult men for having needs. Removed. You probably won't like our sub.
[deleted]
[deleted] 1y ago
You guys are amazing. Cleaning up all the messes and keeping it all on track.
[deleted] 2y ago
It goes without saying: my grandmother practiced what she preached in her marriage with my grandfather, until the day he died.
vplatt 2y ago
As a man whose spouse did not practice this when our kids were young, I can tell you it created no small amount of conflict until we fixed the issue. Once children detect that they can pull mom's strings especially, then there is no limit to the amount of control they can exert over you as a couple. They will play you against each other constantly if they know that they come first. And God help you if you both are determined to "put baby first" and you don't happen to agree on something. You will always be fighting with each other.
This is the real reason a couple needs to make each other #1 first. It's the same idea in another form as "pay yourself first" in personal finance. You don't do this because you deserve it per se as some sort of weird ego trip. You do it to avoid disempowering yourself.
As a spouse, your SO is you. You are effectively one operational person between you. So, of course, you empower him and he empowers you.. first and always. Everyone else can wait their turn or go pound sand and know that, in dealing with either one of you, that you are of one mind and cannot be turned against each other. If this occasionally means one of you must submit to the other, then so be it, but if your values were aligned before you were married then these will usually amount to very small differences anyway.
saddensgirl 2y ago
I agree with your grandmother. Very wise advice from her to you. Thank you for sharing it with everyone.
[deleted] 2y ago
You're welcome
cast-away-ramadi06 2y ago
This is the secret to a happy marriage right here. It should go without saying though that this should be reciprocated by the husband.
[deleted] 2y ago
It's one of the secrets. Definitely. But not the only one.
Sure. But this isn't an advice forum for men.
Advice for women: if you genuinely treat him like your number one, his treatment of you will drastically improve.
In fact, this is the easiest way to have him smitten by your spell
PiratePersonRawr 1y ago
I agree but they have to deserve it, I'm currently going through a very messy divorce as the victim of domestic violence. If your spouse is violent and abusive and doesn't deserve these things, you'll bend over backwards and not get anything in return save for maybe slightly less abuse.
cast-away-ramadi06 2y ago
My point was that women should be expecting the same from their husbands ;)
[deleted] 2y ago
That isn't actionable advice.
amhran_oiche 2y ago
love this. I'm a christian so we talk about this in my women's group for instance (and our husbands come after God of course) but it's so nice to see this mentality in other spaces as well.
[deleted] 2y ago
Thank you.
Many people have this perspective on marriage because of religion, but religion isn't necessary to have this perspective.
PapiSurane 2y ago
Well, don't leave us hanging, what other advice did she have?
NationalMouse 2y ago
I’m actually dying to know too. Cmon OP tell us!
[deleted] 2y ago
One thing at a time. If there is interest, I can share things as they come to mind.
I'm writing posts, not a book
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pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
Be polite or be quiet
[deleted] 1y ago
Thank you. That comment was rude.
TheBunk_TB 2y ago
Can your grandma start a volunteer coaching practice?
She seems like a rocking lady
[deleted] 2y ago
She's definitely a Rockstar!
Katierag 2y ago
What are examples of things you should do everyday?
[deleted] 2y ago
It really depends on the dynamics between the two of you. Every couple is different and this will be expressed differently for each couple.
In general, prioritize the things you do for him - whatever those things are. Life happens. Life gets busy. You will have to choose to do X first, Y second and Z third.
Choose to take care of your husband, first and foremost. Everything else can wait.
Whisper 2y ago
+1
/u/livelylychee /u/luckylittlestar
LivelyLychee 2y ago
Congrats u/SeveredTreeStump! Keep up the good work
[deleted] 2y ago
Thank you
girlwithasidecar 2y ago
This one belongs in the wiki.
LivelyLychee 1y ago
Will definitely add it in!
[deleted] 2y ago
That's amazing. Spread it. It's a key of gold.
[deleted] 2y ago
Thank you
Calm-Difference-3826 2y ago
Just as he should feel about you, otherwise you will soon pour from an empty cup!!!!! His gratitude should be obvious to you, daily!
clemonz 2y ago
So true
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[deleted] 2y ago
Your actions are your fault. Your wife's actions are her fault. Each of you is an adult who makes choices. Yes, you do influence each other. But ultimately, each of you makes choices on how you treat each other.
Can you elaborate on this?
I don't know what this means.
You can and do influence her with your actions. You may not always see the connection, but you definitely do influence her.
But ultimately, she needs to choose as well. You can't force her hand.
Maybe you'll get better advice on the men's forums.
Columba-livia77 2y ago
It seems a bit self centered honestly to tell her you should come before the children, how do you know this wouldn't be good for you but bad for the children?
LateralThinker13 2y ago
If you put the children first above all others, it makes your spouse lower value than your children, and that's not a good place in the hierarchy of importance in the household. It eats away at their respect and authority, and thus their value and ability to lead and teach.
No_Honey1716 2y ago
I think the way I look at it is eventually the children will leave the home to live their own lives. At that point all you have left is the relationship you cultivated and nurtured with your spouse. What kind of relationship do you want that to be?
Mara45 2y ago
Ding! Ding! Ding! I've been saying this for years. It took ya'lls relationship to make them, it takes ya'lls to take care of them, and when they leave HOW EVER THEY LEAVE, all that will be left is the relationship you've had over the years.
Columba-livia77 2y ago
This doesn't have to be black and white, as in you either completely neglect your children or your spouse. Like I could say the same thing back, your relationship with your children will be lifelong, what kind of relationship do you want it to be?
I choose to take from this post that you shouldn't completely forget about your husband in favour of the children, but not that the husband needs to be the center of everything. I see it as a sign of maturity to recognise that children's needs should come before adults'. I know no one here would react well if a wife was being self-centered. In fact, there was a post here not long ago criticizing 'hot mess moms' for this reason, saying they were immature and self centered.
[deleted] 2y ago
No one suggested this.
The opposite is what I'm suggesting. As you take care of your spouse first and foremost, don't forget about your children
[deleted] 2y ago
I don't see it as self centered. I see it as the proper way for things to be.
If you think back to more traditional times, it was definitely expected of parents to treat each other as a priority above the children.
Yes, practically speaking, there are times when you must tend to an immediate need of the child, before you tend to your spouse. But as a priority in life - it is definitely preferable to prioritize your spouse.
Without a shadow of a doubt!
It's good for your marriage and it's also good for your children, because 1. It's good to train them in the idea of not being the center of the universe. The world doesn't revolve around them. 2. It teaches them respect for their parents. 3. It teaches them humility. 4. It teaches them how to care for others. 5. There are probably more benefits.
If you can name a single downside of this, please do so.
Tsg u/HomeHornet
Columba-livia77 2y ago
I don't think it's good for a man to expect to be the center of the universe either, I would feel quite strange if a man expected to be more important to me than my children, I would definitely see it as narcissistic and immature. We are allowed to disagree though, that's part of why I like this subreddit.
[deleted] 2y ago
I hear your point, loud and clear. I too can make all the arguments in the world, for why he should have more humility and not think he's the center of the universe....
However, if I want to have
a goodan outstandingly excellent marriage, I need to make him the center of my universe.That's just the way marriage works. He will have plenty of opportunity to be given plenty of doses of humility, at every turn, just about everywhere in the world.
But in our home? In our home we have walls that separate the inside of our home from the outside world. Within these walls, he must feel like a king.
I did it the way you suggest (as I wrote in the post) and I did it the way I suggest. This way results in a much better marriage.
Please articulate your reasoning and why you disagree with the reasoning that I wrote in the previous comment.
To clarify that point: this advice was to the wife. She should prioritize her husband above the children (as explained in the previous comment, what exactly this means and doesn't mean).
Yes, of course!
LateralThinker13 2y ago
Perhaps the problem is in the phrasing. For the man to be a woman's most important person, doesn't mean narcissism-levels of worship. At least to me, it means that on a hierarchy of needs the man is a 10, the woman (herself) is a 9, and the kids are an 8. All other concerns (pets, friends, family, etc.) all rate somewhere below an 8. That's the healthiest way to run it.
Does that make the man narcissistic? No. It means it recognizes his importance in leading and providing for the relationship. It would only make it narcissistic if her 9 and the kids' 8 didn't matter to him. But they do, obviously.
To use a simple example, it might mean he gets the first bite of the dinner roast. It doesn't mean he eats until he's full, and then the wife/kids get the scraps. See the difference?
[deleted] 2y ago
Well said!!!
pearlsandstilettos 2y ago
Men are not permitted to ask questions here. You should only be here on the women's sub after you get your own life squared away
[deleted] 2y ago
Oh woops. Was I not supposed to respond to that question?
pearlsandstilettos 2y ago
It's not strictly a problem that you did. He isn't supposed to be here asking questions. Men like to come here for a kinder gentler Red Pill. They also think (I will never understand why) that a group of submissive women are suited to tell them how to be a man and husband.
Men are only supposed to be here to give advice and only if they have their own lives together (older, ltr/married, RP expertise). Everyone else should be working on themselves and helping other men.
CountTheBees 2y ago
Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.
[deleted] 2y ago
Maybe it makes them feel accomplished when their ideas are heard?
Maybe they feel like this environment is less competitive (gentler, as you say) and their ideas won't be drowned out?
Maybe they feel like they need to get women on board to employ the solutions to what they perceive to be the problems?
I don't know
[deleted] 2y ago
I see. Thank you.
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to him in the context of a women's forum. I did my best. Next time I should maybe ignore such questions.
pearlsandstilettos 2y ago
We ban a lot of men from here for their own good. Too many like to see all the wonderful rpws and think they just need to find the right woman without having to be the right man.
You don't have to answer everything but you aren't going to "get in trouble" for trying. We aren't the people to teach men how to be men. I can repeat the RP rhetoric and I have done with men in my life. I still have different perspectives on what they should do than my husband/other men.
It's obvious that you "get it". That doesn't mean you need to attempt to help guys who you do not know who have stumbled into the wrong sub.
[deleted] 2y ago
Understood. Thank you.
pearlsandstilettos 2y ago
[deleted] 2y ago
Will do. Thank you so much