Scared my partner is a narcissist | RedPillWomen

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Posted 2y ago in Uncategorized - Permalink - Locked - 2.1K Views

mspalomar 2y ago

It’s not a good idea to diagnose someone from the internet. Everyone who is endorsing that your partner sounds like a ‘narc’ is viewing it based on your perspective.

The whole narcissist epidemic really needs to end. People have bad traits. Some more than others. But a lot of the time the people who are quickest to diagnose others as ‘narcs’ have high traits of narcissism themselves that they are projecting on others.

tab_log 2y ago

I totally agree. This is why I've been hesitant to even think of this and post it. Diagnosing doesn't help, that's why I mentioned my fear. It's just an easy explanation for what kind of behavior I'm thinking of. And yes I am also aware that I have narcissistic traits myself, which I don't like, and get triggered by someone else being controlling. I question myself a lot and get confused about who is responsible for what.

This explanation you're giving is also why I don't talk about my partner with friends anymore, and hesitate to talk about the relationship at all with anyone really, even therapists, because they'll only feed my fears instead of focus on what I can change myself. Even without mentioning a diagnosis.

I also do have the tendency to overextend myself which is confusing. What if I've been doing everything wrong all the time? What if I need to change even more? What if I'm self sabotaging by not taking their issues into account? Or by doing too much? Or too little? Or the wrong thing? Or?

Edit: so, to add, can you perhaps focus on what that fear of mine actually is? It's not that he's some diagnosis, but something else I can't put my finger on...

persephonv 2y ago

Whether he is a narcissist or not is irrelevant. You don’t need to diagnose him, you just need to decide if you want to date him or not.

tab_log 2y ago

That's true. I'm just trying to understand the situation and see if I'm having too many hopes up and if I'm abandoning myself.

FortitudeWisdom 2y ago

What behavior of his makes you think he is a narcissist?

tab_log 2y ago

I'm not saying he is, but he has some characteristics. It could just as well be avoidance.

Deflecting criticism or something Refusing therapy My needs are perceived as a personal threat Crossing boundaries Saying sorry without taking full responsibility (vague excuses like "I'm sorry you perceived me that way") Lack of self reflection or acknowledging their part, nothing is ever his fault

And for myself, I have to bend over backwards to not trigger him or I'll have to deal with it on my own because he doesn't repair conflicts.

werthtrillions 2y ago

This could be helpful for you:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CbA53X9Pw3d/

But sounds like he is a narcissist with some effective gaslighting skills that's making you feel like you're the problem. With narcs you can't have a discussion, they will never admit they're wrong and try to change.

tab_log 2y ago

Thank you, that's mostly avoidant but it's hard to distinguish sometimes. This is why I don't know what to do.

FortitudeWisdom 2y ago

Most of your second section, "*Deflecting criticism...", makes me think he's got a fragile ego , but "nothing is ever his fault" and "I have to bend over backwards to not trigger him" is definitely narcissism territory. How does he react when you ignore him?

tab_log 2y ago

Narcs do have a fragile ego though.

I know there's PTSD at play but he doesn't acknowledge that.

When I ignore he keeps quiet or says he loves me. Or he'll try to start a conversation seemingly calm but suppressed anger so it's only a matter of time to get triggered myself so that he can use that as a silent excuse to not look in the mirror himself. (At least this is how I perceive that behaviour.) He says he tries all his best to communicate with me but I don't say anything anymore so suddenly I'm the one who doesn't communicate.

redditonce29 2y ago

Sounds like you have seen quite a few red flags there. Even if he may not be a narc. you should confront him on the red flags you already see.

tab_log 2y ago

I did, doesn't work. Only makes him feel less accepted and respected.

He probably isn't a full narc but I just mentioned it because of these traits.

redditonce29 2y ago

Well seen as how he reacts to your confrontations on his negative behavior patterns, you have two choices. Either you continue in the relationship with him or give him ultimatums about his behavior towards you with a grace period to change or last but not least leave the relationship and go find someone who already has and expresses the mature qualities that you need and want..ok that was three choices.

terragutti 2y ago

“Im sorry you feel that way/Im sorry you see it that way”

Thats definitely a narcisistic trait.Just that alone would make me leave

tab_log 2y ago

I had the same feeling, yet I'm still here.

terragutti 2y ago

Have you tried to explain how that phrase basically means “i did nothing wrong and everything youre pointing out is a you problem and not a me problem”?

Using that phrase is a red flag. After being told or reasoned with, and still denying it is the united nations of red flags.

Im sorry youre dealing with this

tab_log 2y ago

I did in the past yes. In person he says a more genuine sorry. I really don't know how to deal with all this.

terragutti 2y ago

So does he continue to do it, despite you telling him? Youre not his mother. Youre not supposed to be teaching him right from wrong constantly. Nor is it ever fun to have to fight to have your point of view even considered

tab_log 2y ago

Indeed, he keeps asking me to explain and when I do he either doesn't understand or I feel like his mother and he feels like I'm his therapist. And when I don't he'll just wait for me to come back, which I do.

ThorsdaySaturnday 2y ago

The Gift of Fear is a book to read if you haven’t done so. If your gut is telling you something is off, best to exit without telling him. That’s general advice, though since you did not provide any specifics.

SuperiorLake_ 2y ago

I second this recommendation. Best book I’ve ever read.

TheBunk_TB 2y ago

What supports your concerns?

blueberrypanda1 2y ago

It’s been my experience that if you need to ask if your partner is a narcissist, 95% of the time they are. It’s basically impossible to have a happy life with a narcissist unless they go to therapy and really try to change but to do that, they would first need to admit there’s a problem. Is he will to admit that anything is wrong with him?

tab_log 2y ago

That's exactly what I'm waiting for, for him to acknowledge his part. And going to therapy would be a confirmation for me, although I can't push him because he has to admit it first for therapy to actually have an effect. He has admitted it in the past but still lacks accountability.

He keeps using relationship drama as an excuse to not look at himself so I want to see what happens when I don't feed the drama.

blueberrypanda1 2y ago

He will only change when he decides to change. It has to come from somewhere within him and it will likely take him years of therapy to improve if he decides to it. The chances of all of this happening are unfortunately low.

You could spend the rest of your life waiting and hoping, in other words, sacrificing what you truly want, in the hopes he changes. If you imagine your ideal life with a partner, wouldn’t it be nice to be with a man who you don’t need to hope changes? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself? And if yes, why? Because you’re worth more than that and you deserve the happiness you want. The same as he will only change if he wants to and chooses to, you will only be truly happy if you chose yourself and don’t make this sacrifice, in my opinion.

purplepansy88 2y ago

My husband behaves in a similar way. I have no advice other than not to get triggered by him and ride the waves. I understand he's a man with faults but I have been through a lot with him and I genuinely love him as a person.

You will have to learn to find emotional support somewhere else and learn to not get triggered or react to his outbursts if you want it to work. Don't expect him to change or get better. Don't suddenly expect him to be the kind of man that wants to hear about all your problems and wakes you up with flowers and breakfast.

My husband has been through a lot of intense trauma all throughout his life although he won't ever acknowledge that's probably why he is the way he is. It's not my job or responsibility to fix him so I have chosen to love him how he is and not make room for his negative behavior in my heart or mind.

A pivotal moment for me was to realize that he's the one with the problem and that I'm not to blame. If you lose yourself and allow the behavior to define your reality dealing with a psychologically and emotionally dysfunctional person is a lot more draining and harmful to your psyche.

tab_log 2y ago

Thank you. That'll be my focus first indeed. It takes me longer to get triggered nowadays but I still do. I just don't know how to go from there. Do you have any advice or ideas on what to do in case you do get triggered? Or how do you prevent yourself from getting triggered? Or what does your relationship look like before and after not getting triggered anymore?

purplepansy88 2y ago

Sometimes it helps to make light of something and make it seem funny. My husband isn't someone who can't laugh at himself and humor always seems to distract him for whatever is happening. I don't know if your husband is someone who would find this mocking.

Another method is just to ignore it, full stop. Don't respond to it at all no matter how much he prods. When you talk to him, change the subject. For example, if my husband is being argumentative and calling me stupid over something petty like how I have just washed the dishes or how I walked through the door (real life examples) and he's going on his rant about how I'll never change, how I'm like his mother ect I'll pause for a minute and then start talking about something interesting the children did or some task that needs doing. He completely forgets about his outburst and he's easily distracted and his mood will change.

If your husband has grown up around arguments and heavy criticism he may never change. I see how his family interact and how he interacts with them and I completely understand why he is the way he is. He argues with his mother in exactly the same fashion he argues with me.

I have also noticed that there is an odd dynamic where if I'm grumpy he's less likely to argue. He's also less likely to argue when there is someone else around who has become the enemy. If we are with his mother they constantly bicker and are always trying to get me to pick a side.

mr4kino 2y ago

A narcissist like an NPD in the DSM V?

Better ask someone external as you are probably filled with emotions and this won't help getting a proper diagnosis. Take a paper and write the actions, not what you feel about the actions. Typically "my sister came to town and when I ask him if she could take lunch with me at home, he went NC for two weeks". Obviously when I say someone external it means someone with wisdom and knowledge. I don't care about psychologists or psychiatrists, a nice number of them are riddled with PDs.

On top of that, I will give you (male or female) one single sentence that is usually enough to know if you are living with someone with a personality disorder: if you feel walking on eggshells 24/7 and your world is revolving around them, then you are mostly with someone hard to live with.

tab_log 2y ago

That can be said for both of us though, and it's amplified by one another. Having a PD doesn't mean people can't be together, right?

No not a full narcissist but some traits.

It definitely feels like everything resolves around him, while it feels like he uses exactly that as an excuse to not face his own stuff (meaning, he says the exact same thing about me).

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