Hi, everyone! I'm currently 22 years old, on my self-improvement journey, and one of my goals for the next two years is finding a good partner, which brings me to this subreddit. With that said, there are a few catches:
- I have quite a bit of money that I earned, especially for a person my age living in my country. In fact, I think it's safe to say that 95% men my age don't have that amount of cash, and I'm earning more and more every month. How can I avoid being taken advantage of for my money?
- I go to the gym 5 times per week, and I'm a bit of a "fit freak". I make sure to eat as cleanly as possible, and train very hard, in order to build and maintain my desired body. This, combined with working, leaves me with little time to socialize with other people.
- Aside from being busy, my ability to socialize is hindered by the fact that I had a rough upbringing. Aside from one aunt, I maintain minimal contact with my family, and due to my upbringing, I have a lot of bagage, trust issues, am socially awkward, and have a rather avoidant attachment style. I've been going to therapy in order to resolve these issues for a few months, had an amazing psychologist, but sadly, they left the clinic and I could no longer find them. The next two psychologists that were assigned to me were much worse. One of them was obese, and spent half the session trying to tell me that I have anorexia and am fatphobic, whereas the other one wanted to send me to a psychiatrist to put me on anti-depressants after 5 minutes of talking to me, despite the fact that I don't suffer from depression. I later found out that the doctor that she tried to send me to was likely her friend (they were friends on Facebook, and went to the same medical school in the same years) that owned a private clinic, and charged twice the average rate for a consultation. I'm currently searching for a new psychologist. What can I do in the meantime to work on my baggage?
- I have a lot of masculine traits. They helped me survive my upgringing and get to where I currently am financially, but I noticed that they repell masculine men that are on their purpose, and in turn, they attract feminine guys looking for a mother figure. How can I develop more "softness" and femininity?
- Despite my effort to improve my appearance, I'm no supermodel. I'm certainly not ugly, but I'm not a 10/10 either, and I'm not saying this to vent or complain (you can find my pictures in my profile). I'm attractive enough to get an average man interested in a relationship with me, but a guy from the top 10% would likely laugh in my face if I told him that I wanted something long term, or pretend to commit and use me for sex. Is there any way around this?
- I want my partner to be physically fit and masculine, however, most men that have these traights are out of my league, since I live in a country where most young women are slim, pretty and feminine, whereas the men... not so much. I also want my partner to be into self-improvement, intelligent and not desperate. It's alright if he has baggage, but I'd prefer him to be actively working on it, just like I am. I'd also prefer him to be at least as tall as I am, under 35, and want to get to know me first before jumping into dating. Despite that, I either attract men that are feminine, or have major red flags. Am I setting my standards too high, since I'm not finding the men that I desire? Also, where should I focus on finding such a man? Looking in my social circle allows me to find non-desperate and intelligent men, whereas dating apps allow me to find guys that are physically my type, but they usually want to move things really quickly or have several red flags (unresolved baggage, crazy exes, etc.). I was thinking about the gym, but it's full of women (despite my effort, I still have narrow hips and a wide back, due to the size of my pelvis and ribcage) that are a lot more attractive than I am, and I've only been approached there once. Where else could I look?
I apologize if this post came off as too long, and thanks in advance for any of your answers!
rosesonthefloor 3y ago
Some thoughts related to your questions:
Don’t lead with your money, and you should be okay. Is your financial success tied to your job? Don’t bring up what you do for work, and keep it short and sweet if a guy asks. You can elaborate later if you need to. Do not lend money to a guy you’re seeing, or purchase big gifts for them, or pay for most of your outings and you should be okay.
Dating does take time and effort. You sound like you’re a pretty driven person, so turn some of that drive to your romantic life. Spend some time each week to work on something that might bring you closer to your goals: hold eye contact for a bit and smile at men you find attractive; purchase a piece of clothing that makes you feel pretty and feminine; spend some time practicing new styles of hair and makeup to get more comfortable with them; read a relationship book like the Surrendered Single; etc.
Being self-aware is half the battle. You sound like you know yourself pretty well, so while you’re in the process of finding a new psychologist, sit with yourself and do some self-reflection. When something comes up that triggers your baggage, think through what the crux of it really was, and why you reacted that way. I find that sometimes just the act of thinking something through makes me realize I was approaching it wrong, or I was being sensitive based on an insecurity. Journaling helps with this too, and can help you clarify your thoughts and be able to dig down into what you’d like to bring to your future, better psychologist.
Femininity is a journey, and it’s going to look different from woman to woman. What do you think about these “masculine” traits is repelling masculine men? I would encourage you to try really connecting with your body (via dance, breathing/meditation, etc.) and wearing cute clothes you feel feminine in to jumpstart that journey. Then, when you catch yourself wanting to react in a way you feel is masculine, try stopping yourself. Be kind to others, and smile at people when you talk to them. Spend time on self-care. Dance to music that makes you feel sexy and feminine. Practice letting men lead in small situations, and then practice deferring to others on things where you don’t have a strong opinion. Compliment men. Let them be generous towards you, and be receptive when they are. Be agreeable and cooperative when you’re not sacrificing your best interest to do so. Spend time “playing” - whatever that looks like for you. Not all of these might feel right for you - they’re just some suggestions.
I sincerely think you’re being too hard on yourself, looks-wise. Thinking that a top 10% guy would laugh in your face if you said you wanted something long term? Oh honey, no. RMV is not all about looks, but about how you make men feel as well. You’re young and fit and smart - plenty of guys want that, and they’re not looking for the 10/10/10 in every category, they just want someone attractive who can be their partner, and if you can do that, you’ll be fine.
Good luck!! It’s good you’re taking this seriously, and I’m sure things will work out for you.
SobiniaArt 3y ago
Actually, the thing I do for a living is stereotypically something that doesn't make people good money. In fact, it's quite the opposite, and people often ask if I'm able to survive off of my job. Next time someone asks me, I'll probably tell them that I am able to support myself and have savings, but I won't disclose how big my savings are.
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Got it! After reading this, I went to the gym yesterday, and let my hair go loose, instead of wrapping it in a bun. I wanted to do some makeup too, but didn't have the supplies. Nevertheless, I got my second approach, and a woman from the gym decided to go back home with me (we were going to take a similar bus)! I'm going to buy some mascara and an eyebrow crayon tomorrow, and see what kind of results I get.
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I have a private channel on Telegram on my phone, in which I journal and vent. In the past, I mostly vented in it, but from today on, I will also list 5 things that I'm grateful for each evening in that channel. Thank you!
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When I got approached at the gym, I focused mostly on listening to the man (he tried to show me an exercise that he was doing for his legs). When he told me to push the weight, I slightly exagerrated how much I was struggling with it, and when he pushed it with ease, I complimented his strength. After that, he really seemed to light up. We chatted for a few more minutes, I smiled at him, and he asked me for my number! He seems pretty masculine, didn't propose to me on the spot, so we'll see where things go. I'm pretty optimistic!
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To be honest, I'm pretty aware that I could get an average guy relatively easily. However, I am not looking for an average guy, which is why I came here, and above average men tend to get with above average women. I want to work on my RMV, which is quite low (around a 3-4/10), however, in order for a man to notice my RMV, he needs to give me a chance first, and that chance is accessed thanks to SMV (which is currently at a 6.5/10). Therefore, I'm strongly considering putting most of my focus into developing my RMV to around a 7 (which will likely take more effort, as it will involve becoming softer, more feminine, working out my bagage from childhood, getting more in-tune with my sexuality, learning more recipes, maintaining a clean apartment, becoming better at socializing, finding like-minded female friends, learning how to provide emotional support, working on my conversation skills and becoming more seducive), and my SMV to a 7.5 over the next 3 months (which should mostly require perfecting my skincare, getting nails done, whiter teeth, a more flattering hairstyle, and learning how to do makeup).
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You're a genious! There are a few sport clubs that are looking for members in my city, and as far as I remember, there are both men and women in them! The women there aren't as attractive as hardcore gym bunnies (mosty 5-7's), whereas the men are fit and have a hobby. It seems like the best of both online dating and social circle dating! I'll definitely give this a try!
rosesonthefloor 3y ago
So glad to hear that you’ve had some results already! I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Working on your RMV will be a big help as well.
Also - love that the sports thing resonated with you. I met my bf on a sports team last summer! There are a bunch of attractive guys in our league, and it’s also a great way to get to know someone better before you start seeing each other. Good luck!
CountTheBees 3y ago
You are actually lovely. You have an ethereal fairy like look that I think could be played up a lot. Have you found your seasonal colour palette? What about your Kibbe body type? It's weird to me that you think based on looks alone, a man would pump and dump you. There are so many ways to mitigate that (vetting before sex, demonstrating RMV, demonstrating congruent values, etc) I'm not sure why you're concerned. Read this thread in which a former player describes his wife. He starts off with:
If 5 days at the gym isn't getting you the body you want, it's time to accept it. Kibbe will be really helpful with dressing for your natural body type.
Regarding baggage - keeping a journal and just writing down what you're thinking/feeling is very helpful. You will realise all sorts of things about yourself just by reading what you wrote 2 months ago and realising how far you've come and what you need to work on. Keep a gratitude journal too (when I did journalling - I started with the gratitude, and then wrote more about what I was thinking/feeling/happened that day).
Listening to certain people I also found very helpful. Stefan Molyneux is great at healing and dealing with baggage. His call in shows where he does one-on-one therapy sessions with people are very helpful.
Developing softness/femininity is just a matter of identifying those masculine traits and just doing less of them one by one. Record your progress in your journal too. Some masculine traits are actually necessary for certain jobs, but you should definitely experiment with doing less of them than you normally do.
SobiniaArt 3y ago
Thank you! My seasonal color palette is light summer (I look best in turquoise, blue, as well as certain shades of brown). I don't know my Kibbe body type, but I have a top hourglass/inverted triangle figure. I read the thread, and it was a really beautiful story.
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To be honest, the gym really helped me out with my looks. I'll most likely never achieve my dream body, but I think it's safe to say that I'm about 6 months and 3 cm. in my hips away from getting pretty close to it. Naturally, I store lots of fat on my stomach, have dry hair and skin, a wide back with protruding ribs, and a small butt. I used to have major self-esteem issues because of that, and fixing them through self-improvement was the best therapy.
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I just starting writing down the things I was grateful for in my private Telegram channel, and will continue to do so every day! Also, you're right about reading what I wrote months ago. Sometimes I read my thoughts from years ago, and I'm horrified by the abuse that I put up with at home. Other times, the memories are a bit more fond, or I chuckle at how immature I was.
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I tend to listen to Jordan Peterson, and his teachings have really helped me out! Thanks to him, I understood that while I couldn't control my family's actions, I could control how I reacted to them, and the same goes to the friendship and dating market. I can act like a feminist and complain that men want beautiful, soft and nurturing women, or I can acknowledge that and ask myself "What can I do with it?".
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Yesterday and today, I tried to smile more at people at the gym. I also tried to exercise with my hair loose for the entire duration of my workout, and unlike yesterday, I actually managed to do so from start to finish! For some reason, this made me feel a lot more feminine than usual.
CountTheBees 3y ago
It's great that you already know your colours. I also really encourage you to look into Kibbe types. AlyArt on YT has a great instructional series. There's a certain style of clothing that will suit you very well and it goes into types of fabric, fabric sheen, loose/tight fit, hemline lengths, neckline height, sleeve length, amount/size/type of embellishments, symmetry of clothing, etc, things that are not explained by simple pear/hourglass/inverted triangle theory. Dressing in the right style could even change your idea of what the 'ideal' body is, because you see how much more flattering you can look/dress, you may want to accentuate something else.
Men's preferences for body types will surprise you as well. If you meet a man who likes you/who you like, your ideal body type may change again, as you try to align with his preferences. Be careful when you're doing something to attract a man because that's what you are attracted in a man, it doesn't always work like that.
Understanding how your body works is also very important because you'll know when you are most attractive to the opposite sex/most outgoing/most fearless/clearheaded. It's before and around ovulation. If you're not ovulating then you don't get this attractiveness/energy/clarity boost about a week per month. You can tell if you're ovulating and when by tracking basal body temperature (if you're taking certain types of hormonal birth control then you might not ovulate at all!) - to get started, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility (I've just finished it and I wish I read it when I was 16). It will make much more sense about why you feel certain ways at certain times of the month! Why you're more outgoing one week and very shy/withdrawn the next. Why men seem to notice you more at certain times. Why you just want to keep exercising one day and want to skip it another. Why you get teary or easily sore sometimes. Why your period is late or early or heavy or light. I've known about ovulation and its hormonal effects for a year or more now but I never connected the dots with my bodily symptoms until I started tracking. It's only my first cycle tracking but I'm thrilled to be seeing the inner workings of my body on paper. It's like my body was trying to tell me these things all along I just never listened.
Knowing that my body is working the way it's supposed to and knowing the biological reason behind my moods/symptoms helps me be feminine, because then instead of fighting those moods or symptoms or 'pushing through' or telling myself I should just be able to handle it, I can accept them and adapt my schedule accordingly. Why should I burn myself out this week when I can achieve the same thing next week without batting an eyelid? As women we are water, we 'go with the flow'; our superpower is endurance/adaptation. But it's a skill like anything else. If you're a fitness addict you're probably someone who likes to be in control and to just make things happen regardless of whether you feel up to it or not. Trying to be in harmony with myself/my body/my cycle is one way I can train myself to be more feminine. Perhaps it could help you too.
Finally, sorry to hear about the abuse at home. It probably means that certain types of men will be more attracted to you than others and vice versa. Often people who have experienced abuse and are at similar stages of healing tend to attract one another. It's not a bad thing - if you are self aware, and have done the necessary healing, it probably means you'll naturally be attracted to other people that are self aware and have done the necessary healing. Just be wary if they haven't sorted through their issues. Also people who were abused tend to start super early/super late sexually. Don't look at your age and think "I'm 22 I should have a bf by now" -- well, your upbringing has likely delayed you with all the life-saving coping mechanisms you have to unlearn. It's not something to freak out over. It's better to be single than jumping into one bad relationship after another. But for a woman like yourself, who is very motivated/ high achiever/ self improvement focussed then I am very sure you will find someone, probably from a similar background who will appreciate those exact qualities which have delayed you.
rosesonthefloor 3y ago
That post was lovely to read, thank you for sharing!
CountTheBees 3y ago
It's one of my go-tos when the topic of "looks aren't everything" comes up! I was so thrilled to see someone write about it from that point of view. Just goes to show, there are far more important things than looks.
sunglasses90 3y ago
Never lead with your money. HVM don’t care about it. LVM will try to take advantage of it. Always downplay it if asked about it.
All the working out is a bit much. You want to be in shape, but a HVM will probably want you to be able to cook healthy but also delicious meals. That means adding a reasonable amount of fat content and such. Guys tend to like hearty food like stews, pies, potato’s, etc. they aren’t going to get too excited about a raw kale salad or whatever as an actual meal. The key to cooking well and still healthy is to cook from scratch as much as possible using real ingredients/not preservatives.
HVM want women with family skills and social skills. They want their mom to love you. They want their family to love you and they want their friends and colleagues to love you. Be kind, generous, and polite. You don’t have to be a social butterfly. You’re actually better off as quiet, but always bring a dessert or food or wine and talk about how much you love their son. Say nice things or stay quiet.
Masculine traits do repel men. Make a conscious effort to back off big time. I had to learn this the hard way and make an effort to back off. Let the man open your door. Let him open the jars. Tell him how strong he is. Sure, there’s things you can do yourself but don’t do them all the time. Make him feel useful.
I saw your photo. You’re an attractive woman in my opinion. You shouldn’t have a very difficult time in that regard. Wear light makeup, dress a bit sexy but not too much. Wear something a little showy that a guy would like. Mini skirt, little bit of cleavage, sundress, etc. give him a little bit of something to look at but not too much.
SunshineSundress 3y ago
I agree with everything here except for her working out too much. If her idea of an HVM is someone who also dedicates a lot of time on their fitness, then her routine might be perfectly fine. Such men also won’t hold it against her for eating and cooking clean, because a man with a 10% or less body fat percentage is probably not banking on her making hearty pies and potatoes (stews have great potential though
SobiniaArt 3y ago
Thank you! The reason why I work out 5 days per week, is, aside from the looks aspect (I dropped 8 cm. from my waist and gained 4 cm. in my hips from weightlifting, over the course of a year), because going to the gym gives me a sense of structure, since I work from home. It also really helped me with my mental health, and kickstarted my beauty/femininity journey.
I don't recquire my future partner to be at 10% body fat. It's quite hard for a man to get below 12% without the use of steroids or great genes. I'm currently at around 17.5% (was at 16% last month), trying to get to 15%, since that's when my abs will really "pop", and am open to dating someone with a similar bf% to mine, perhaps even slightly higher. As long as he's into fitness and leading an active lifestyle, he's good to go :)
As for the cooking part, I tend to eat a low-carb, high-fat and protein diet. It isn't exactly Keto, but I try not to consume more than 120 grams of carbs per day, and usually end up eating over 100 grams of fat. I also cook all my meals, and most people that tried them said they were really delicious, so as long as my future partner likes steak, chicken wings or rabbit stew, he should be pretty happy :). I can also make an extra batch of rice or pasta for him if he wants extra carbs.
Thanks for complimenting my skin! I used to struggle quite a bit with it, since I had acne as a teenager, and it tended to be quite dry. The things that helped me the most were:
- not picking at my face
- getting enough sleep
- eating few processed carbs
And on top of these basics:
- washing/scrubbing my face twice per day with cool water and a 3 in 1 soap, scrub and mask gel
- applying a cleansing mask (from the soap/scrub/mask tube) twice per week
- applying moisturizer twice per day
- applying a cream that gets rid of the dark circles under my eyes every day.
I also heard that hyaluronic acid works wonders on your skin (similarly to how argan oil helps with your hair), but I have yet to get my hands on a bottle of it, without any additional ingredients, and am planning to start using hydrating masks twice per week, starting tomorrow.
jayval90 3y ago
What job exactly are you working? The fact that you have cut off most of your family raises... questionable flags about the type of job that pays that much to a 22-year-old woman in what sounds to be a not too developed nation.
SobiniaArt 3y ago
I'm an artist/illustrator. Currently, I'm employed for an indie game Studio from Sweden to work for them part time, which alone gets me 1750 euros. On top of that, I also freelance, which usually gets me the ecquivalent of an additional 1000-1500 Euros, which is over twice the average salary in my country. I've been doing it since I was 18.
espressolover18 3y ago
there's zero reason to bring up money or your job. masculine men don't care what your job/education/achievements/income are, as long you have something going on in your life that you are interested/passionate about. Not that your job/education/achievements/income are a turn-off for decent, kind, high value men; they just aren't particularly impressed by those.
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like someone else said, if being a fit freak and spending so much time at the gym and eating a special diet still isn't giving you the body you want, I think you need to accept your natural body type. Focus on being HEALTHY, not so much obsessing over "creating" your "ideal body." This to me is a bit of a red flag. You seem extremely obsessed with getting your ideal body... do you think that is the defining characteristic of a red pill woman or what a high value masculine man is looking in partner? This community talks more about how to be traditional girlfriend/wife in traditional relationship... traditional wives don't spend so much time and energy obsessing over getting the perfect body. The traditional relationship is more the man is the leader, protector, and provider, and the woman is the homemaker, nurturer, and carer. A woman who is extremely focused on herself, her looks, and her body is by definition not really nurturer and carer. instead of focusing on others (her husband and family), she's focusing on herself (specifically her superficial outward appearance). I would really think about what kind of relationship you want, and if the traditional relationship is right for you.
aslanhatessmeagol 3y ago
1) For me taking advantage about money is when he doesnt tell you what he wants. For example,he knows you earn more and he keeps asking for money and doesn't let you know what he buy. Honesty is important. My fiance is supporting me and I am always honest what I do with the money. Just to prove him that i dont use the money for gambling or spending on something secret (secret bf)
2) Have you tried to socialize with people at the gym? I think it is good to find someone who is fit freak like you.
3)I am sorry for your rough upbringing. We cant forget what happened in the past but we can 'train' ourselves not to care about it. I am awkward around people too and that's how i make friends online. I enjoy talking to my online friends.
4)I think for some people being feminine is about how you wear but some people do judge us on how we behave. For example,my friend. She wear feminine clothes but she is a tomboy and she has a lot of friends All of his male friends see her as their bro. She talks loud with male friends, she use rough words with them. I think she needs to change that if she wants to attract a guy.
I also believe some guys like tomboy or masculine girls but it is rare. Not many are like that. I only met once in my life. He likes tomboy girl that is also has short hair like men.
5) You should change where you meet them. How did you even met this bastard who laughed at you?
6) Your standard is okay for me but about the height,I dont agree. Is slighty shorter okay? Maybe you can set your expectation lower a bit. I think not all feminine guys are looking for a mum. I also think you need to give a chance to some guys. I met my fiance in a dating app. We have been together for 3 years.We became bf and gf after 2 weeks. It was fast but believe your instinct sometimes.He is the right man for me. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it.
I answered based on how I feel after I read your questions. I am sorry if they dont help you.
Good luck!
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