If your marriage hasn't been consummated you can actually annul it.

When I was in my teens I dated a young man who was very sex averse and wanted to wait until marriage and I found out he was gay. That's always a risk. We live in a culture where sex outside of marriage is the norm and where there are few to no social consequences as a result. There is going to be something up with a lot of people who may want to use waiting until marriage as an excuse to hide deeper issues. There are definitely some very strict Christians or Muslims who will wait until marriage but unfortunately for some people it can just be an excuse.

If I were you I would give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't deliver I would annul the marriage.

I think you need to offer a (genuine) ultimatum. No open relationship. He can either go to therapy and figure out what’s wrong with his libido, or he can lose you. Those are his two options. Don’t let him fiddle around with one or another. Don’t let him do the whole “well maybe I’ll start therapy” blah blah blah.

He either goes to therapy or it’s a divorce. And while he goes to therapy I would still get your ducks in a row.

Divorce is bad but being in a dead bedroom is even worse. And it was wrong of him to string you along knowing he’s (most likely) asexual.

You’re only going to get older. Don’t waste your prime years on a man with no sex drive.

My bf said this to me when we talked about some serious things(trauma childhood): “it might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix it.” ——————————————————————————— It sounds like he’s ok to live with no intimacy, but that’s him, not you. It won’t work if one side is compromised for the other side. It might work in short term, but long relationship only happens when both side invests on each other. Have a conversation with your husband and be honest with him, let him know that you understand his situation, but being able to physically feel him is very important to you.

All major, mainline religions and philosophies agree that marriage partners have a physical responsibility to each other. If for example you were married in an evangelical Christian church, you would normally have had pre-marital counseling with the pastor. I don't know any pastors who would not be explicit with stating this and making sure you both understood. Your husband says he doesn't want to hear you complain about the lack of sex, he is saying to you, "I get to completely renege on our marriage vows and you get zero say in the matter." In any state in the USA that still enforces the need for a fault to be proved to get a court to grant a divorce, your situation would be an automatic yes because it's so obvious. You need to understand this at a baseline in your heart and mind. Your husband has a deep seated psychological problem. You want to feel sorry for him? Okay do. I feel sorry for him too. BUT, he knew he was this way the night he said his wedding vows and he lied to you.

Now you raise other issues all around. These are all of lesser importance. You can make your own decisions based on what is important to you. It is likely your husband is suffering from a "Taboo" deep in his subconscious put there in his childhood. You can study up on this, and you can counsel w/pastors, psychologists, etc., you can check his testosterone, yada yada. It is HIGHLY unlikely he will change. Anyone who chooses to stay in your situation is killing their spirit by inches. What you need here more than anything else is respect for your own person. Respect with integrity. Once you finally decide in favor of that, your way forward will be very clear to you.

Set an intimacy date. Works for some people. You can make it a thing, twice weekly, every other day, whatever you and he feels is reasonable. Are you saying that nothing you do, flirting, dressing sexy, inspires any kind of desire in him?

It's Madonna - whore complex... it's an epidemic st this point

Sorry, this isn't going to work.

He's not even what I would call a beta personality... your husband just seems... spineless.

You are not responsible for nourishing his life to the fullest. His therapy should've came far before your marriage if he was even capable of taking life into his own hands and the fact you had to tell him "I wont find you a therapist" is bizarre.

If hes hurt thats fine; but saying "I dont want to hear about our lack of sex" is sad. He's not taking any level of self improvement seriously and it seems evident to me that he is more interested in victimhood than championing his destiny.

I recommend moving on.

P.S. You seem highly accomplished and he shouldn't be making demands of you from the standpoint of a victim or seeking your pity/sympathy. You're a wonderful woman. If he needs a maxim to keep himself going after you are gone, let it be this one:
"I'm not where I want to be yet, what do I need to be doing differently?"

I feel for you. My question is, have you ever had sex? Has the marriage actually been consummated? If yes, there may be hope as long as he stops using porn as a substitute for the intimacy he needs to be giving to you his wife, AND he goes to personal therapy to deal with his own issues.

If not, I would look into other streams for citizenship and talk to a divorce lawyer because what you have is a sham of a marriage. If you are just best friends with no sex, then you're not living as husband and wife. You're living as roommates.

Why is he a “beta” in your eyes? All man can become traumatized from their childhood experiences. Sure, we are not as talkative about, but we are all emotional creatures

He has you, but wants an open marriage.

With who is he going to spend time with other than you?

Why does he think this is a good idea? Why would you allow him to split his attention between you and some other women? He is married to you, that is the end of his play time.

So, no. Just no.

I feel bad for him. Obviously he has some issues going on, but he needed to tell you about these issues before marriage. He knows he’s asexual or maybe gay? He should’ve been more open about that and not dump it on you after the fact.

Talk to him. Tell him all of the good things you love about him and how you pictured this marriage and then let him know where things are failing. Give him a chance to actually fix the issues. But ultimately, I really doubt it is fixable. You married someone that you didn’t actually know.

I would defiantly suggest going to see a sex therapist to help find a way that both of you can discuss your sexual health. You are already on track for the long haul as you two are best friends. That's the secret to a long healthy marriage. To me the whole jerking off vs sex says to me he has classic dopamine addiction. He gets off more to the fantasies on the internet than genuine human interaction. His trauma seems to involve shame around sex, Maybe try to meet him someplace in the middle? Tell him you want to jill off together, watch each-other masturbate, make it fun for the both of you. For both needs to be met there needs to be a bit of compromise someplace, and if he is the one carrying the trauma burden and your the strong one pulling him along you will need to get behind him and push him to the front to gain any confidence in himself in your relationship.

What will happen when you want kids? I’d get out.

Hi OP and RPW, for some reason we are having issues approving the OPs responses in this thread. We will let it glitch for another little while and then probably try to repost. OP is answering people but you can't see it yet. And OP go ahead and keep answering and we will approve the comments as soon as reddit stops being weird.

If you married after a year of relationship it may be the case he used drugs in the past & is now physically and mentally affected by that, has depression and is on some meds that affect libido, smokes pot [another one] or used to [very common in guys in their 20s to overdo it] or is becoming asexual/very low libido via a combination of these. OR he is sleeping with someone else, OR is just addicted to porn / doesn't get aroused physically without that stimulant.

On another level, if I may ask, are you sporty/physically fit, and take care of yourself and your hygiene?

To sum it up, the fact that he has enough libido to masturbate yet doesn't include you in this sexual behaviour signals there's a chemistry/compatibility issue at hand, stemming from his mind I'd say. Could be porn, low testosterone or just a low level of chemistry/attraction to you. I would think being gay would be last on the list, after him having sex with other women.

In my experience avoidant types usually 'hide' something more than just trauma in terms of their communication style, i.e. he isn't honest about what's going on. You should be able to discuss with him and find out.

Just throwing this out there...do you think he may be interested in men and want to keep you as a beard?

Suggest he gets his testosterone levels tested. It seems clinically low from what you describe. He sounds depressed. He lacks energy and drive, has no mission and purpose in his life and has no libido. These are symptoms of low T.

At his age, it should be high to the point of being horny every day.

Guy's perspective:

The roles have changed and I am now the gatekeeper of commitment and he’s offering me an open marriage so we can stay in this platonic marriage (which makes no sense to me because I can get a man to love me and want to have sex with me and provide for me).

I think he may be offering this to you as a stopgap because as you mentioned in another post:

this marriage is providing me residency in his country

I mean from appearances he is trying to do right by you within his mental framework, but in my opinion his failure to disclose that sex wasn't going to be part of the deal with marriage (I mean, that's pretty obviously implied that with marriage comes sex, so planning on no sex should DEFINITELY be something talked about first!) is IMO pretty deceptive, intentionally or not.

Barring a significant change on his part, I really don't see a way of working through this.

And your posts make it pretty clear he is almost adamantly against change.

I wish that wasn't the case since obviously your personalities meshed enough to get you to the marriage point.

he’s offering me an open marriage so we can stay in this platonic marriage (which makes no sense to me because I can get a man to love me and want to have sex with me and provide for me).

Precisely. You are not happy with this degenerate setup that he is offering because you know someone can present you a silver dollar when he is offering simply pennies. Your bedroom is dead, and ultimately the entire marriage will necrotize along with it; it is only time. I would cut this completely.

Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with not having sex before marriage. However, not discussing sex before marriage is where many Red Pill/Christian/Traditional women go wrong. I’m sure there any many other women who can resonate with you on this topic. So many of us are taught that sex is shameful or taboo, and that’s not the case. Sex is fun and healthy. It’s required to have a healthy relationship (obviously not the case for health conditions etc..).

An open marriage is cringe and dumb-pilled. The fact that he would offer such a thing leads me to question his morals and values in general. Are you two equally yoked? Or is this a case of you being based and him being some libtard from the city? I’m a firm believer in creating radicals, so I’ll pray that you will have some clarity in how to guide him towards being the husband you desire and need leading your family.

It doesn’t matter if he “doesn’t like to talk about it”. You’re his WIFE. You deserve to know why your husband doesn’t want to be intimate with you in general. You two are ONE flesh.. there is no room for secrets. His inability to be a man and have a solution based mindset is concerning. Conflict is natural and healthy. If there was no conflict in a marriage it’d be telling as to how much communication there actually is. Have him read “Conflict Resolution & Communication” by Stuart Scott. It’s a short book but very valuable.. helped me communicate with my “I didn’t know you would care to hear about that” man.

If I’m not being mistaken, sounds like there’s probably a porn issue here.. if you feel no need to have sex and are fully satisfied by jerking off by yourself… that’s a HIM problem, and not a reflection of you at all. My partner banned porn in our relationship as he had an issue in his early 20’s (he’s 27 now). You need to tell him how absurd and hurtful what he says about sex is. His role as a husband is to meet your sexual needs as much as you are to meet his. A low libido.. maybe low testosterone? Cook that man some STEAK.

What you need to do is therapy and marriage counselling. I don’t believe in divorce, and I think you should try to make this work if the other aspects of your relationship are good. You are NOT friends. You ARE husband and wife. You cannot help a man who doesn’t want to be helped and you should tell him that. This is a couples issue. So either you bring in a pastor or a therapist

Alongside his personal therapy, there are tons of literature he can read.. let me know if he’s interested in reading and if you’re Christian.

Also, which European country is he from?