I'm listening to a podcast Dear Therapist with Guy Winch and Lori Gottlieb. Guy was talking about how he describes relationships and I thought this was sooooo insightful
" Relationship dynamics are like wet cement. When the cement is wet at the beginning you can mold it, you can make changes, you can shift things around, shape it. But the moment it hardens, it's very difficult to mold. You have to take a hammer and chisel to it. and it hardens really quickly. There's an unspoken contract we enter when we're starting to date someone in which we’re communicating nonverbally that if I'm not calling you on something it must be okay with me. If' I'm not bringing up something or trying to change something I’m agreeing to it, tacitly. So we have to pay incredible attention, in the early stages and I mean early as in the first ten, fifteen dates. Because everything you're accepting then, and you're accepting if you're not voicing that you're not, you are kind of signing on for the long term. So to say that "I'll address that later", the cement will be dry, it will be much much harder. You have to pay a lot of attention very early." - Guy Winch S1E16
FriendCountZero 1y ago
My first 10-15 dates with my husband were in 9th grade. I let him get away with everything and had no idea what to accept or expect. It is hard to change things now but communication makes it possible. It's just a slow process.
zaftig_stig 1y ago
I think he means the first 10-15 dates with each person, not over your lifetime.
rosesonthefloor 1y ago
I like this analogy. I feel like relationships are like laying a foundation, so it’s very similar. You have to lay your foundation right to be able to build something strong on top of it.
This is also why I feel like it’s important to address things close to when they happen - so you can adjust when new things come up. It’s much easier to adjust right after a new issue arises than weeks after you’ve been in a pattern of dealing with it in a particular way.
Thanks for sharing!
Also, would this be the same Lori Gottlieb that wrote Marry Him?
zaftig_stig 1y ago
yes and another book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
It really hit me because I'm someone that would let it go and address it later. This tidbit and another are really stressing to me how intentional I need to be in the beginning and less go with the flow which is my fallback.
There was something else I'd learned in the last couple of weeks, about becoming the person being reacted to as opposed to reacting to them
Notes I'd taken from that Webinar:
Become the person who's being reacted to and sort
- Stop reacting to what you think someone else wants
- Stop being careful, concealing and strategic
- Stop adapting when it sells you out.
- Start expressing
- Start engaging
NevermindTheCrows 1y ago
I think it's kind of a weird idea. My husband was not "wet cement" when we first started going out - he was himself. I couldn't have shaped him or molded him. I had to decide if I liked him enough to keep on dating him. Of course, he had to do the same thing. I was not "wet cement" for those first 10-15 dates either.
We have definitely both changed over the course of our relationship. I think that's normal - people evolve over the years. We aren't rigid blocks of concrete!