TL;DR at the end
Bf and I have been living together for a year and a half and have been together for almost two years.
Last night, I presented him with a very direct question about whether something would be a deal breaker regarding a situation about how he will react when and if his mom wanted to start issues again. Long story short, his mom is very controlling and my bf’s lack of ability to set boundaries with his mother made me really loose faith in him.
He’s also gone back and forth making a ton of excuses for his mom’s behavior. Its to the point he doesn’t really see the situation rationally or like it happened. I don’t even get upset or emotional over it anymore when he does this, I just calmly correct him and tell him thats not what happened. Its really scary to see how warped his reality it, how hard it is for him to see how serious this situation is, and how defensive his mind wants to be at protecting his mothers image. He can’t seem to think of her in the wrong, or someone who us capable of such manipulation.
He choose to break up. He cried, I was shaking in silence. We sat in silence for a good half hour until he just continued to go about his day without a word.
He has a habit of just allowing things to be swept under the rug, mainly regarding this issue with his mom, other issues he seems a bit more mature. Instead of initiating a constructive conversation, he will just sit in the same room as me and wait until I get irritated enough to bring things up.
So I finally break the silence and ask, ‘so thats it?’ He finally says he didn’t mean to want to break up and he wants to stay together. Now I’m really confused and exhausted.
Its worth noting that his mom is our only big issue really. Theres a few minor discrepancies here and there, although we usually work it out, apologize and move on.
He basically said I was wrong for presenting a scenario for a dealbreaker so directly. I told him I do not regret communicating with him about deal breakers in a direct manner and choosing to break up when you didn’t mean it is not a constructive answer and its not a good way to deter me from avoiding the conversation in the future. He expressed his frustration with my lack of ability to trust and have faith in him that he will handle his mom.
The issue with his mom was so bad we got a therapist appointment a year ago. We both were not fond of the bill, so we decided to stop going. I was extremely clear though that we would need to continue to talk about this issue. Especially if we planned to marry eventually and someday have a family.
It would be two or three years until we see his mom again, we’d like to either be married or have this figured ourselves to either be together or not by then. Sure, she’s not close now, but shes expressed a desire to be closer, maybe see grandkids which I’m not opposed to, if proper boundaries are set in place, which I’m not sure they will be.
The problem is him and I don’t want to wait for his mom to come over again to get married or figure out if we want to stay together, its just too long. Although because we don’t have actual irl interactions with the mom to see how my bf has changed and wants to set boundaries with his mom, we do need to be able to talk about this issue in a direct way, to have constructive conversation, and I know thats hard.
So now he says its not that he didn’t want to accept expectations regarding boundaries but he felt like how I presented it as a deal breaker scenario meant I wanted to break up. I think he knows I don’t want to, but wanted a way to deter me from bringing up talking out how he’ll handle his mom in the future.
He then says my lack of trust, and faith in him is a deal breaker. I told him my trust and faith in him is earned and that there is no way I can just give that to him without it being earned. Tonight with him breaking up with me he really went about ten steps back. Being able to talk things out in an honest manner, even if it means questioning things about his mom that might make me worry a bit I understand its part of the process and he needs to be honest with me things with his mom will be okay or at least showing me he’s trying will be another way for us to build back trust. It doesn’t help he’s decided to talk to his mom away from me in separate rooms for the past year.
I cannot continue to ignore this issue because it makes him uncomfortable. Its not like I bring it up on the daily or even biweekly either. It’s probably like once every month and a half I’ll bring something up, talk to him, see where he’s at, it usually 50/50 on whether he’s either on the same page or making excuses.
Next morning he wants to move on like nothing happened, then he admits he’s conditioned to be more trusting of his mom than he is me. Then he starts pointing finger at me saying I don’t socialize enough. I’ll admit yes, I’m a bit to myself and I’d like to get out and exercise my social skills a bit more, but I’m honestly pretty comfortable where I’m at tbh. I know he doesn’t like I’m not as sociable but now he somehow thinks its a good time to bring it up after I bring up the issue with his mom.
I reminded him that this isn’t a tally. I don’t mind talking about my issues and being open but thinking of our issues with each other as a tally won’t work. I’m very clear the likelihood I’ll enjoy socializing and become some social butterfly is very slim. If he’s mentioning this as some sort of deal breaker or expecting me to change in this regard its highly unlikely. Sure I’ll still socialize, and make some effort, but its not something I enjoy.
Bottom line, him setting proper boundaries with his mom is a necessary deal breaker for me. How can I continue to be able to talk to him about this issue in a constructive manner?
TL;DR; Bf doesn’t like to have conversations about his lack of ability to set boundaries with his mom. I presented him a deal breaker scenario regarding his mother and he chose to break up. I accepted it, then he takes it back, and says he is upset I don’t trust him regarding his mother and that is a deal breaker for him. I tell him I don’t trust him regarding this issue and that I cannot lie to him or say I am confident he will handle his mom when I don’t know and that it doesn’t help he wants to avoid the conversation. The he want to move on like nothing happened. Next, he starts pointing fingers at me about being asocial.
Beautiful-Empress-99 1y ago
Can you be more specific about what his mother does?
windpearl2 1y ago
The first time she came over to stay she completely tried to control and dominate whole the house. What we did with our lives, what we bought, what we did with the rooms, especially regarding major purchases while she was there.
Worst of all had the audacity to demand we purchase a vehicle just for her stay so I could drive her around while my bf was at work, and then she told my bf the truck was for me behind my back to make it seem like she was just trying to help me out specifically when she really just wanted control of the purchase. That truck cost us a fortune, we wanted to find something cheaper and take our time without her help even but she wanted the purchase while she was there and was incentivizing us to make the purchase too soon. My bf and I had to clean out all our funds just to make the purchase. This truck is now too much money to even drive and its the worst financial decision we’ve both made in our lives. We should have both said no to her ridiculous demand, but I didn’t say anything because I wanted to really see how far she’d go.
My bf and I had multiple discussions with her face to face about her behavior, the passive aggressive comments, stepping over boundaries after we both told her no, and she got worse every time. First conversation she apologized, and a few days later starts acting up again. The second conversation she lost it and threw a fit because my bf said she cannot come over without permission. She said the ‘mother son relationship is over,’ to my bf and gave him the silent treatment for six months until he finally caved and called her. She tells him not to marry or have kids with me.
Edit; grammar and punctuation
CluelessCat 1y ago
Sounds like you should've put your foot down on that one
RubyWooToo 1y ago
If you truly went through with purchasing a truck that you didn’t need and was far outside your price range just to “see how far she would go,” then that was the most expensive and foolish shit test in the history of RPW.
bluescarlett13 1y ago
I don’t want to sound judgemental/condescending but this sounds like a cop out - something to alleviate your responsibility and part in the purchase. You had the opportunity to say no but you chose to make a bad financial decision to prove a point, in a way?
Anyways, I don’t think it’s healthy for you and his mom to have such a big divide. It’s not healthy for his relationship with his mom to deteriorate either. I am not sure what to do in the situation, but drawing a wedge in a mom/son relationship ain’t it.
Flam1ng1cecream 1y ago
I agree with you on the first point; it sounds more like OP just got blindsided and wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to stand up to her bf and his mom at the same time.
But I have to disagree on the second point. This guy is 30 years old and his mom is still trying to run his life. If she can't accept that her son is an adult and respect his boundaries, then she's the one destroying the mother/son relationship, not OP.
rosesonthefloor 1y ago
Has he been like this with his mom for the entirety of your relationship?
If so, don’t expect him to change. He’s showing you who he is, and you can’t change someone, you can only change yourself. Can you live with that? If nothing changed, could you find a way to be happy? Think through it and you’ll have your answer.
jayval90 1y ago
Holy indirectly worded run-on. Can you clarify this? Were you asking if he would see it as a deal-breaker, or are you saying that it would be a deal-breaker for you if he doesn't change how he reacts to his mom starting issues? Later you said "but he felt like how I presented it as a deal breaker scenario meant I wanted to break up" which makes it sound like you meant the latter, but the wording above makes it sound like you meant the former.
windpearl2 1y ago
Sorry for the confusion.
I’m saying it’d be a deal breaker for me if proper boundaries are not set. I asked him about if he could agree to set boundaries or if not we should break up, and chose to say lets break up.
Then later he thought me bringing up breaking up if boundaries are not set meant I want to break up regardless.
I’m still not sure he wants to set boundaries with his mom and I haven’t got much of a straight answer, he like to avoid this topic. I thought presenting him an ultimatum might trigger him to make a clearer decision for me to be able to access whether I should stay in this relationship or not.
jayval90 1y ago
Ok first of all, PLEASE both of you start communicating directly. "...make a clearer decision for me to be able to access whether I should..." Do you always talk to each other this way? How do you ever really know what anyone means? You're hedging yourself like 3 times over in every sentence.
If you converse normally like this, there is no way you can expect to get clarity. Issuing an ultimatum is not going to fix this. And clear communication does not mean issuing ultimatums (usually speaking clearly mostly eliminates the need for ultimatums). Learn to negotiate. And lest you think I'm being unfair to you, his reaction of being all "well I choose break up because it sounds like you want to break up" is every bit as waffly and self-hedging.
It seems like there's a lot more going on here than just the mother. Perhaps the issue of her looming between you two is making your other issues seem pale in comparison, but really this feels like a manifestation on both of your issues together. There's no reason that you guys are having this much difficulty negotiating this type of thing if everything else is fine.
You both sound hypersensitive to any sort of criticism, and then make up for it with unhealthy doses of self-deprecation. He's dealing with his mother, and you're dealing with something that you haven't brought up that I've seen but I would bet quite a bit of money definitely exists.
Your living arrangement does not help a thing. It's leaving you both insecure about each other. You're both waffling and hedging, and you need to learn how to go in directions and commit to decisions even if they are wrong. Start by making small, specific and achievable goals and committing to them.
Kaleidoscopiquant 1y ago
You're exactly right on all of this. Mother isn't the issue, it's this weird back handed communication and testing happening on both ends
TREVONTHEDRAGON 1y ago
How is the mother not the issue if they have told them directly what they don’t like her to do? The man is a mamas boy needs choose between his future or his past asap. Once you start a family priorities are set most of the people I have seen who are this close to there parents are usually single so parents or parent is all the have as a “friend.” Or don’t have the guts to stand up to them. I would never let my mother control a financial decision between me and my girlfriend. Nor would I care if she stopped talking to me over a LOGICAL dispute. Has everything to do with the indecisiveness of the man with his mother and the overbearing nature of his mother.
Kaleidoscopiquant 1y ago
Obviously she's being a pain in the ass, but OP can't change that. The issue isn't going to be resolved until OP and her bf learn how to talk to each other like adults.
zaftig_stig 1y ago
You might want to peruse r/JUSTNOMIL and you'll see you're right on with your instincts about this. That truck story is INSANE! I can't even fathom the audacity of that demand. I probably would have laughed.
His mothers bad behavior has NOTHING to do with you being 'asocial' he's denying and deflecting. Yes he's been 'trained' to be this way by his mother, but this will be a life long struggle for the two of you even if he comes out of the FOG. If he never comes out of the FOG it's going to be even worse. Everything escalates when children get involved.
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
Unless he has a serious CTJ moment quickly, I am unsure if this is salvageable
sunglasses90 1y ago
Unfortunately, when pushed between a rock and a hard place a victim will choose their abuser over anyone else. They will defend them instead of admit reality. That’s what your bf does and he is an abuse victim. I’m sure it all started as a child where he had no power and as an adult he never admitted to the situation and set any boundaries with his abuser. It’s really difficult to do when it’s your mother. Maybe the hardest.
You sound really rational and it’s good on you to try to help him. Just realize he doesn’t want your help right now. He’s not ready for it. He will push away every good woman until he’s ready and maybe he’ll never be ready and eventually the cycle will continue until he finds an emotionally abusive girlfriend because that’s more familiar to him.
I think your solution is he gets back to therapy. You won’t be a big enough influence to get him to tackle “Mama”. You’ll just end up the bad guy instead of her.
RubyWooToo 1y ago
Your bf has the backbone of an overcooked noddle. He can’t stand up to mother… but neither can he defend his mother against you by declaring his complete loyalty to her.
It doesn’t matter what you compromises you make or constructive discussions you have; the moment she walks through the door or calls him on the phone, the boundaries will topple like a house of cards in a light breeze.
Accept his mother as your Captain or find a different man.
LadySandcastle 1y ago
He isn't leading the relationship. It sounds like he's aware of the situation and how you feel but has chosen to do nothing about it and instead of saying that directly to you he is being passive aggressive about it. He's a 30 year old man. You aren't going to change him, he would have to want to do that and he obviously doesn't.
Reddthrown 1y ago
Have you considered an open discussion about what you both could live with in terms of actual behaviour and whether something that works for both can be achieved?
Reading your post, it doesn’t seem like you are communicating healthily and your expectations seem geared towards revenge and total victory over a third party (the mother) rather than achieving a situation where you are both happy.
abishagofthevalley 1y ago
The way I see the tone of your post, you are leading the relationship, you are the more rational one and you are ready to walk away, you remain composed and unfased during crises -- maybe because you're just not that invested anymore. Also seeing that the issues with his mother are in a relatively distant future (2-3 years) and you are just pressing the matter now, in a sort of continuous present, almost sounds like you're looking for dealbreakers.
Im sorry for the guy because he's caught between a rock and a hard place. Im sure you want him to grow out of the influence of the mother but you playing hardball is actually just reinforcing the dynamic in which he's subordinate to the wants of a woman (his mother or you) and doesnt exactly facilitate growth.
Salvageable if you love him and if you are willing to yes, manipulate the situation in your favor. But from a high horse of cold detachment it wont work. Manipulate means working with the mother rather than be confrontational about it, deflecting things instead of saying hard no's sometimes etc. It is difficult to navigate but not impossible, it just takes some uh, byzantine skills I guess.
Pepperonipizza84 1y ago
His mom sounds narcissistic. Giving the silent treatment to that degree is actually a form of emotional abuse. He probably hasn’t realized any of this but id do some research on narcissistic mothers and the effects it has on their children. It isn’t pretty when you finally realize it but acknowledgement is the first step.
TREVONTHEDRAGON 1y ago
Ask him if he what future he wants and make him understand that will not tolerate a future where he is controlled by his mother. Put your foot down if he wants to go the mama let him go the mama route. He’s a grown man it’s hard to change men at that stage of life. He has been condition to cover for her behavior even if he doesn’t like(most likely sees a problem but doesn’t wanna stand up for himself/you). Don’t make it seem like you want to leave him but make VERY clear that you aren’t going to deal with someone outside of your relationship controlling it. Maybe he will understand if you spend so time apart not in the same house for a while. The break seems to me to be impulsive which isn’t good. And also seems like the “I didn’t mean it” is him also covering for his mom. As he can face the fact the fact that his mother could be a split issue for you guys and even a deciding factor. Be in mind if this is consistent with him even if you left he will end up alone. No woman can tolerate a man who won’t even take there side on definitive issues. It’s like having a step child walk all over a step parent and spouse not doing anything to stop it.