I feel very discouraged. Wasted 7 years on a relationship that turned out to be very toxic and emotionally abusive. Hard to swallow the truth that I’m codependent and kept pretending not to see obvious signs that this relationship wasn’t good for me. He betrayed me ultimately, and I believed this was true love and wanted to marry this man, so right now I feel like the odds of finding a good man/husband are close to 0 for me.
How to deal with this in a healthy way and how to even start thinking about vetting a new man?
How can I make sure not to do this mistake ever again and how to spot good men?
I’m 25 btw.
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Glad-Discount-4761 1y ago
At least you are 25 not 35.In my case,my whole prime years were wasted lol
Just focus on your yourself,hit gym and be healthy. You will get good man.
Empyrean_Truth 1y ago
This. To further elaborate on "Working on yourself" can look like:
Taking a big break from dating. At least a month. You're going to struggle to really apply and learn the lessons to be had here, and you'll bring a ton of baggage into the next relationship if you don't.
Develop skills that make you capable of sustaining yourself.
Take time to really be happy with yourself and understand what you want rather than immediately hopping into the process of looking for a new partner.
Discover your strengths and how they might apply to future partnerships.
Get some outside hobbies to fix codependence; maintain strong friendships.
Take pottery, self defense (if you want a social version of the gym. Kickboxing etc can be an insane workout and gives you some value out of it).
Also advice for future:
- Never sacrifice long-standing, powerful friendships for your relationship. Any reasonable, confident individual is capable of letting their partner have friends ffs. If they demand 100% of your time, I don't think that's healthy at all and means they're also dependent.
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Glad-Discount-4761 1y ago
Okay.I said gym just for increasing smv.
What advice would you give?
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Glad-Discount-4761 1y ago
Ok
pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
If you have no advice then you do not belong on rpw. Please move along.
Redlimetree 1y ago
I feel for you.
I wasted a year on somebody emotionally abusive. And we weren't even intimate. I too found out I'm a people pleasing codepenant.
A year later (to the exact week I told myself to let go he's not worth it) I'm feeling certain that I can build a happy future. Obviously without the toxic guy.
Life goes on. But I definitely think you need to chase your own happiness
chowchowfluff 1y ago
Please listen to everyone here when they tell you - you are so young! At 25 you can easily bounce back from a relationship and still have so much youth left.
Work on yourself. Build up your mind, body, and surround yourself with good people and good things. Know that it’s ok to feel your feelings - they are just feelings. Align yourself with the kind of values that you believe will attract the kind of man you want and checking out the RPW community toolbox is a great place to help you with these things. Build good habits and keep moving toward your goals.
You didn’t waste your time, you learned lessons in the process of figuring yourself out which is valuable. Right now it’s going to be hard to see everything when your emotions are high but ultimately you are fine, you are young, you will find someone again that is right for you :).
Wannabewitchu 1y ago
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. A very similar situation happened to me and now I’m with someone who is absolutely perfect, shares similar values, and is a support and provider. We met when I was 29.
I would definitely take some time to heal but don’t let time get in the way if you happen to find someone amazing. Not every man is like your ex, and you don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship with a great person. I hope you start feeling better soon. Be yourself, walk away from people that remind you of the red flags your ex had, keep communication open.
titlejunk 1y ago
I found the love of my life at 34. He was 32. You are crazy young.
Hydrocoded 1y ago
I don’t know if this is welcome here or not so please just delete this post if so.
I’m a guy. I’m about 40. I lie about my age a bit because internet but I’m about 40. I’m single. I’ve had 5-6 serious relationships depending on how you define it. 4 live-in relationships. 2 of them were abusive.
The first abusive one I spent years thinking if I just did a little bit more she would finally return my love the way I loved her. I was constantly walking on eggshells around her. She was an alcoholic, and eventually I just left.
Next abusive relationship another pretty girl decided she liked me for whatever reason and I was all too eager to feel loved. It ended up similarly to the first abusive relationship.
Sad part is, I’m still just as giving and just as able to be abused as I was back then. I like to think I’m more aware of it now.. and maybe I am in that I would recognize and end it sooner, but I’d still fall for the same abusive behavior.
I’m about 40 and I want to have kids, start a family, provide, and be a good husband and father. That dream seems further away every day, since in order to realistically have children safely I’d need to date a woman 10+ years younger than I am. People talk a lot about how money, looks, sophistication, etc are all the things women want but that’s just not true. At least not in my experience. You either click or you don’t I guess. I have no idea.
Point is, you’re only 25. You have plenty of time left. You’re okay. You’re hurting, and it’s going to hurt for a long time. It took me years to really get over it. But you WILL get over it. You will find someone else. Just don’t repeat the same mistakes too much, like I did.
Glad-Discount-4761 1y ago
You are in prime now
Lightning14 1y ago
Don’t give up on yourself bro. 40 years old is not that old for a man to find a mate. Plenty of women in their early 30s would love to find an attractive caring 40 year old man that knows what he wants.
It sounds to me like you need to get clear about what your values are and your boundaries in a relationship. Understand the value you can provide and hold yourself to that. Stay true to what your values are and you can find a partner to align with if you make it a priority.
DoctorJones222 1y ago
I'm currently going through the same thing as you. My finance of 8 years decided he didn't want to get married and have children after all, now I'm moving out of our home and starting over at 30.
It's scary and sad, but also exciting at the same time.
sunglasses90 1y ago
I went through a similar relationship at 28 and then met my now fiancé at 28. Just a few months after the toxic relationship ended.
I think I was supposed to go through that. Before the ex I was pretty naive when it came to good and evil. I thought I liked the “bad guys”. That’s all fun until you actually meet a bad guy. I learned a lot about the world and I learned a lot about not idealizing “bad” people which allowed me to actually appreciate a truly good man when I met him.
As long as you actually learn from the experience it’s not wasted time at all.