Hello, ladies :) I apologize in advance, as this will probably be a lengthy post. I am looking for more female companionship with like minded women. However, I never feel like I quite fit in with most women and I've felt that way for my whole life. I know a lot of it stems from the strained relationship I have with my mother and the other women in my family. I am trying to work on it. Regardless of that, I always seem to get along best with men. I work in a male dominated field, I am an autobody technician and own my own shop with my husband. He is the most wonderful human being and he gives me so much love and support, I am very thankful for him. I feel like I have really missed out on having female friends though, it just feels like I'm not really able to connect with them. While I am new to this sub, I have been lurking for awhile, I'm not 100% sure if I fit in here either, but yall seem very friendly and supportive of different lifestyles. I am very "masculine" in my personality I think, I have a strong body and an independent nature. I like to fix things, I enjoy playing guitar and I'm very good at it(not really manly though I guess, though I've met very few female guitarists). I just feel like I put out a butch lesbian vibe? I find a lot of women treat me kinda like they treat men, as far as like body language goes and the way they talk to me, like when they have a crush on a guy. I am bisexual, so I can't say I hate it lol. I'm not like this on purpose, I actually would love to be more feminine. When I try to act more "girlie" I kinda feel fake and I really don't like that feeling. My outward appearance is fairly feminine, I'm curvy and have very long curly blonde hair. I take good care of my skin and hair. I eat a healthy, balanced diet (something I really had to teach myself! I did not come from a healthy habits family) and exercise when my schedule permits it. I wish I could wear make up more frequently but that is rather challenging given where I work, it's too hot and sweaty and it makes my face break out. When I'm not at work (sadly not often at the moment) I like to wear dresses and heels, and do pretty makeup. I always wear perfume, I love to smell nice.
Anyways, I really don't know the aim of my post, I just wanna know, is there anyone here that struggles with this? Is there anything I can do to feel more comfortable in my own skin and in my own head? I would love to feel more feminine without feeling like I'm being a fraud.
abishagofthevalley 1y ago
Im tall, dark long wavy hair, I use kohl on eyes, wear dresses and sandals or boots in winter, I think I had a full year where I didnt wear pants outside at all, Im curvy
and I still feel not feminine enough.
Im not very practical but I can be somewhat emotionally detached at times and in relation with almost women I almost always feel somewhat masculine, like you describe. I feel very feminine when I'm with manly men but weak ones annoy me and make me automatically turn "cold" if not downright agressive.
I think its just my personality that makes react to my counterpart's traits. I dont mirror them but if they're out of whack according to my perception, I switch in the opposite direction to balance out the interaction, if it makes sense.
ash5991 1y ago
Lol I love when people ask me why I'm "all dressed up". I just say I didn't feel like wearing pants.
I used to be a more emotionally unavailable person. I was still processing a lot of childhood trauma in my early 20s. I am 31 and in a much better headspace. I didn't realize how much my husband needed my emotional side. He begged me to just talk to him, it took us months of me being all weird and cagey when he'd want to just talk. God bless him, he is so patient and sweet. I knew I had to work on myself for him, I couldn't do that to him. Slowly, self improvement became more for myself.
Yes, I love very masculine men, that helps me feel feminine. Weak men annoy me too.
LadySandcastle 1y ago
Honestly I do feel like a lot of it is how you dress, makeup perfume etc. I worked manual labor at a park for a year and got treated like a barbie doll. The men all fell over me which was...an experience. Even though I worked outside shoveling doing lawn care etc I still did my makeup. Even a tinted moisturizer and mascara would probably make a big difference. The rest is how you carry yourself and speak. Not being loud, cursing or jumping in with boy banter is when I see the switch to people treating me like a lady.
Another issue is that it's just easy for women to get "male friends" because in my opinion they're not likely friends, they are most likely orbiters. I see a lot of women in male dominated spaces get protective over their spot in the group because they like the attention so I'm not sure if that would end up being a barrier to making like minded female friends. You could probably try joining a music group or something where there would be women you could relate to.
ash5991 1y ago
Possibly you misunderstood my post, I have no problem at work. Men are very kind to me and treat me like a lady. I personally like being treated like a little sister in a way, it's more friendly in my eyes. I understand men do like me and find me attractive, I get somewhat annoyed by it at times, but I'm not a bitch or anything about it. I just feel, we're at work and my husband is literally right there, so cool it. Very unprofessional. Anyways, I would like to actually feel like a lady when men are treating me like one. They see it, I just don't lol.
Edit: When men are treating me like a lady, it feels wrong? I won't say I get offended, but I feel like it's unnecessary. While I appreciate the courtesy, I don't like being treated special or anything like that, but I find this is how most men treat me. It makes me feel fake. I hope I make sense.
LadySandcastle 1y ago
I put a couple points in my comment about men, but no the advice is not geared towards them at all. The second paragraph is sepecically because you said you get along better with men than women. Of course you do, they're orbiting you. Other than having a masculine job and not wearing makeup you didn't say how you're "manly" so I used my personal experience.
Taters0290 1y ago
I am. My husband is far more sensitive than I am, especially picking up on others’ feelings. Emotionally I’m a bull in a China shop. Hubby has had to ask me to be more affectionate. I feel affection, it just doesn’t occur to me to express it (I’ve worked hard on learning to do this). I try to at least look more feminine (painted nails, perfume, pretty colors, skirts, long hair) because I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex clomping around, stepping on toes, and knocking over furniture and being too loud. Definitely don’t connect with other women, but I’m an introvert so that doesn’t bother me.
ash5991 1y ago
True. I am fairly introverted, I think I'm probably somewhere in the middle. But yeah, idk, just gets a little lonely sometimes.
Redlimetree 1y ago
Are you me? OK not exactly.
I'm in the automotive field and play guitar (although I don't play well). And my relationship with my mum is also strained. I'm also curvy with long curly blonde/brown hair and a strong body.
Since starting on the tools I purposefully dress more feminine in non work hours. I'll organise cafe breakfast with friends just so I can wear a cute sundress. I've even started going to my least preferred grocery shop for non essential purchases in the middle of the week just to have an excuse to dress up feminine after work. It's helping me feel comfortable and I know I'm doing it for myself instead of playing dress up to impress somebody particular.
I find I'm more relaxed around people with similar interests especially if it is the area's I considered myself knowing more then the average person. So whenever I'm talking to the average car guy I know I'll eventually impress him with my car knowledge; although I always take an indirect approach to this to avoid coming off as a know it all idiot. And there's definitely more males then females out there who share my interests. Plus my acquaintance groups revolve around 2 male dominated industries I've been involved in, and I enjoy recognising names in conversations saying how I know so n so and tell a quick story about them.
I've been introverted most of my life so my close friend group isn't huge. Overall I find it easier to make friends with males then females. But my closest and more reliable friendships have been with females. My amazing best friend is female but our friendship is built off the effort she put in in our late teenage years. I was lucky last year to bump into another female around my age in the automotive industry and we quickly became great friends and house mates. Unfortunately both these friends have moved interstate chasing better career opportunities and town lifestyle.
I'll reframe from giving too advice on female friendships cause it's still something I'm working on for myself! But I definitely think shared interests are important.
ash5991 1y ago
Thank you for your response! I definitely relate! I have a female best friend from high school and she puts a lot of effort into keeping contact which I really appreciate. Sadly, she lives really far away now and we only see each other a few times a year. I had more girl friends in school, I guess because I was around them more. Most of the women I interact with now are all family and my husband's family. We just don't click though. I definitely wanna try to find a way to make more real friends soon.
tanjasensualcoach 1y ago
Hey there! I totally feel you in this! I am also really strong minded, have founded my own business, moved countries all on my own, had to fight it out with twin brothers and have also a strong muscular physique.
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Over the years I have learned to use this masculine side as a strength to bring me toward my goals, not being so people-pleasy all the times and allowing myself to speak up, not playing small. All while allowing this warrior type to step down every day to welcome the beautiful, creative, playful, sensual and flowing feminine energy into my life. This allows to open up, to build deep connections and for support! If we have grown up in this "lone wolf" type of mentality it can be hard to trust people to support you well enough and to become receptive to community and sisterhood!
It took me year to find my true essence and the harmony between both energies in all areas of my life which I now share with my clients. But it doesn't have to take you so long :)
I am actually giving a free challenge about these power dynamics and how to release stress, overthinking and hustling from force and overwhelm and moving it into fluidity, sensuality and passion! You can find everything here: scorpionmind.ac-page.com/waitlist
Would love to see you and just gain a different perspective on life :)
Hope you are doing well!
ash5991 1y ago
Thank you so much for your response. I will have to check it out. :)
m_owom 1y ago
I'm a similar way. I have a currently non existent relationship with my mother and it's always been hard for me to make female friends, and I generally feel more comfortable talking to men. The only female friends I have I've known since we were children. Trying to connect with other women often gives me crippling anxiety, which I'm guessing is due to the trauma my mother caused me.
I also enjoy a lot of more masculine tasks, like home improvement, fixing and building things. My sense of humor and the way I carry a conversation is also far from soft and feminine lol But that is who I am, and I was this way when my husband fell in love with me, so I don't feel the need to completely overturn my personality to fit my red pill world view.
I cultivate my femininity in other ways, such as through my appearance, motherhood and homemaking. I'm happy having a good balance of feminine and masculine traits.
ash5991 1y ago
Yeah same. I kinda feel like I'm my own mother now. It made me sad and angry first, but now I'm okay with it. I think it's made me a better mom overall as well.
That's true, my husband always just says he loves me for me. I just wanna be the best me I can for him and it's hard to not compare myself to others.
I think I'm going to try to find more feminine activities, maybe I will feel more aligned in my energies.