I’m turning 30 in 2 months and feel like such a failure. I’m single and always wanted to get married and have kids. I feel like everyone is judging me and wondering what’s wrong with me for still being single. I feel the biological clock ticking. I feel like no man my age would want to be with me when he can be with someone younger. I just feel like I totally messed up my life…
SunshineSundress 1y ago
I think your anxiety is making you see the worst rather than reality. While age is certainly a consideration for a lot of men, your age also isn’t a deal breaker for a lot of men your age and older.
If you’re REALLY stressed about this, then consider dating older men. You will still be younger to them, and there was an entire thread today about the other benefits of dating an older man. If god forbid something happens to my relationship and I had to start over from square one while in my mid-thirties or later, I would not feel hopeless at all. I would know that I have a lot of knowledge thanks to RPW about the qualities men look for in an ideal partner. I would also know that I can be realistic enough to find a good man. And I would know that there’s a plenty of older single fish in the sea!
Don’t stress yourself out too much about it. Getting desperate because you feel like the clock is ticking won’t be an effective strategy to stop the ticking anyways! Just work on your girl game, know where you stand, and do the best with the hand you have.
Kaleidoscopiquant 1y ago
Yeah, this desperate fear of the wall is dangerous imo. I've seen women rush into a relationship they're half hearted about because they're afraid of being left on the shelf.
I found myself unexpectedly single in my early 30s and had some of the same fears OP is expressing. I fell into an incredible older dating market that I didn't even know existed when I was last single in my mid 20s lol. There was a literal smorgasbord of hot late 30s/early 40s men who were itching to settle down. Catch is that most of them were divorced and many had kids, but if that isn't a deal breaker, the options are endless. I actually much preferred the mature divorcees I met over the younger guys without any baggage.
OP should make sure she's looking to market that's going to find her a catch. Young, never-married guys might overlook her for a 25 year old, but the 40 year olds would love to lock down a childless, never married 30 year old.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
Yeah, not only is desperation not a good look, it also makes you overlook things you shouldn’t.
Older men are definitely more likely to want to settle down. A lot of PEOPLE, men and women, nowadays don’t even think about settling down until they hit thirty. Many otherwise good guys in their late 20s would balk at women that talk about marriage and kids too soon. Older men usually have already lived through the “young and free” days, and are looking for comfort and security too.
throwitsofaraway007 1y ago
If you’re going to date an older man, he is going to have to be extremely high value - just a tip, if he’s over 40 and still single, never married, and with no kids, that’s a major red flag. I (23f) just broke up with him (40m) and here were some of his awesome characteristics
Had two “relationships” (glorified fwb) before me.
Hadn’t had a job that lasted for more than 4 years (extremely short resume).
Low sex drive/ED/pornography addiction.
No assets, inherited his car from a family member, still rented.
Got rejected BY A POLYAMOROUS FOURPLE.
Anyways, I could go on and on about this topic. While I am still attracted to older men, I will not be seeking them out. There are single 30-something men who are uncomfortable with age gaps. There are men in their twenties who want to settle down. You will find your person.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
I wouldn’t say “extremely”, because there are not that many Elon Musks and Jeff Bezos out there, but yes, you would definitely be dating older men BECAUSE they are more successful, established, experienced with dating and life, and mature than younger men. If you choose to date an older men who is no better than a young man, you made a horrible choice and you also should consider why that kind of guy was a prospect for you when he wasn’t a prospect for other people.
The one thing I don’t necessarily agree with is that it’s a red flag if he is over 40 and never married with no kids. It’s a red flag if he’s over 40 with minimal experience with women because it shows he’s consistently been unattractive and unable to get women in his life. But if he hasn’t married and has no kids because he always had too many options during his younger days, dating him while he is 40+ might make him more likely to want to settle down. That means you have a better chance with a man who is EXTREMELY coveted by other women, given that your girl game is good.
Anonymous_fiend 1y ago
Anyone who has never married after 40 is a red flag for a ltr but divorced ones can be a catch. The divorce rate is pretty high. Also I don't think they need to be extremely high value just average or higher (depending on your smv & rmv). 30f and 40m is a decent gap but I agree 23f and 40m is too much unless extremely hvm. That man you were with is well below average. It's not shocker he tried to get with someone 17 years younger since his maturity level is closer to yours. He couldn't do well with women slightly younger for a reason. You were also more naive and willing to put up with more than the average 30 year old.
throwitsofaraway007 1y ago
There’s also that - sorry for not mentioning - there are some HV divorced men out there! I’m just happy to be out of that situation, but whenever I see ANYBODY mention dating older men… buyer beware you’re in for a scare.
Anonymous_fiend 1y ago
Understandable that's a pretty rough situation. Lol I'd be pretty scared to date older after that too. I don't recommend any woman under 25 to date over 10 years older. Sure it can work if you're not prone to codependency but older people tend to be better at manipulation so you definitely need to be able to vet well with older men-even hv men. Dating older is usually advice given to women who are in or past the danger zone (aka 30s) where time is ticking and may struggle finding a good man in their age group/a couple years older. There's a bigger mental difference from 20 to 30 than 30 to 40.
Blackhawk2479 1y ago
Feelings don’t define reality, and the reality is that you’re 29 and have most of your life still ahead of you.
Instead of focusing on your age - one small aspect of yourself that you can’t change - put this energy into the aspects that you can control:
Worrying yourself into misery that you’re too old and nobody will want you will ultimately be a self-fulfilling prophecy because you’ll project your insecurities and fears everywhere you go. Be someone people want to be around, not a perpetual victim feeling sorry for herself.
Be someone a man will want to be with, regardless of age, and men will want to be with you.
Proof-Examination574 1y ago
I had the same problem when I was your age. I solved it by checking my friend-zone. Been happily married for 18 years and have 2 kids since then. Granted I had to quit my crappy job, sell all my stuff, and get on a plane to the other side of the world with nothing but a backpack and do some crazy stuff but in the end I married my best friend and we took on the world together.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
That sounds like a wild, amazing journey!
sunglasses90 1y ago
I’ll be honest. My one love at first sight relationship ended in utter disaster. He was bad, bad, bad. With my now fiancé, I didn’t really think he was anything special until the third date, then by the 5-6 date we made out for the first time and it was pretty bad. I was attracted to him, he just didn’t know how to kiss. I thought about ending it but I didn’t. Now, things couldn’t be better. So I’m glad I stuck it out and wasn’t rash about my feelings.
I have other female friends that weren’t super into their now fiancés when they first started dating. For normal, non psychopathic people it takes us a while to be ourselves and relax around love interests. Things became exciting later.
Supercuate 1y ago
OP, I married my 30 yearl old wife when I was 34. Worry at 40. 30s is a good phase to do this. You are not old.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Hmm I guess what worries me is you started dating her in her 20s if you married her at 30
Supercuate 1y ago
we dated for 1 year. 29 - 30. Been married for 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 year old dauguter.
What you feel is not necessarly wrong, what you will do with it is what important.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Thank you, I'm happy you found something so wonderful and I hope I can too
chrisdidwht 1y ago
Ive felt like a failure most of my life so i hate seeing other people feel like that. FWIW not every guy is vulturing on 18 year olds. A lot of men prefer women closer to their own age for LTRs. Then theres men (like me) that actually prefer older women. So no younger isnt always better. Also you still have time to have a family. I will say though you really have to value your tine now. If you find your guy tomorrow it will still take some time possibly a few years before you get to the having kids stage so theres that.
Why do you say you messed up your life? It could also be a factor in why youre having a hard time.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Yep, the fact that even if I met the right guy tomorrow I would still be years away from having kids freaks me out. Thank you for the kind words though! I feel like I messed up my life because I didn’t really put effort into dating when I was younger. I thought it would just happen when it was supposed to happen. But it didn’t happen
chrisdidwht 1y ago
Theres so much i could say. A lot of it is harsh truths but the good thing here is that at least you realise this at 29 instead of 39. You still have a chance. Be the best woman you can be and dont waste any more time. Be honest about what you want from dating. It will filter guys out that arent serious then you can analyze real potential relationships
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Yes I have such little room for error at this point, it freaks me out a bit. But all I can do is try my best
chrisdidwht 1y ago
Good luck
[deleted]
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
angelicasinensis 1y ago
30 Is still in your prime :)
jsongs23 1y ago
Except it ain’t
lateteawiththerabbit 1y ago
If you're focused strictly on reproduction, it is not the prime. But if you're also accounting for things that factor into survival after reproduction, I think it is around the prime
I'm pretty sure the "best" biological age in terms of female fertility is late teens. The studies are hard to truly interpret because they often study people who are actively trying to conceive. Teenagers rarely are, but they definitely have high fertility.
I think it would be a bit far fetched to categorize "prime" based solely on biology. Humans are unfortunately complicated creatures and it takes much more than fertility and high sex drive to reproduce, actually successfully raise those children, then manage to find contentment throughout the remaining years of life.
angelicasinensis 1y ago
I think physically and hormonally I would say it is :) I think stuff starts declining at 35.
[deleted]
jsongs23 1y ago
Then you’re lying to yourself
angelicasinensis 1y ago
I think your personal level of health determines your general health- doctors have what they call a “cellular age” because depending on health people at the same biological age can vary quite drastically- 30 is barely out of your twenties. But I digress, I’m sure the world is black and white and age is everything including a #.
lateteawiththerabbit 1y ago
I feel you...I've spent most of my twenties building self-sufficiency out of necessity, though I've always wanted to raise and homeschool kids with a like-minded husband. I get really depressed when I read/hear about how many HVM want a woman to bear them children, but he needs at least 2-3 years to date her, then 2 years or so of marriage before having kids....at that point time could be up!
That being said, I do think there are men, especially men in their mid to late thirties, who have had enough life experience and they're just ready to settle down and start a family. They don't need extensive time to feel comfortable, especially if both partners have created stability in their own lives. From that perspective, 30 is a golden age. Maybe it takes a little extra time to get pregnant, but both parents are committed to being committed, consistent parents. I think that is FAR more valuable than having many babies younger and chronically overwhelmed.
Also, my mother had my sister at 34 (her first child) and me at 38. My aunt had her first baby at 36. All three of us were 90s babies and healthy at birth. My mom did get 2 c-sections and developed a thyroid issue when pregnant with me, but those are even more manageable and avoidable nowadays. And neither my mother nor my aunt were super health conscious. Neither worked out consistently, both ate plenty of fast food and pop, and I wouldn't be surprised if either had some alcohol during pregnancy. Not shaming either of them, they were fabulous mothers. But based on the time, they were pretty average for their ages (though obviously I think making healthy choices is super important). So if you take good care of yourself, you should be just fine.
I think you definitely have time and can meet a good man, especially if you hone on things you love and that develop your character (i.e. Reading, volunteering, learning new things, etc ).
EDIT: clarified pregnancy age and health
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
It’s rough, I always wanted 3 kids. Knew I would never have them super young but thought I’d start to have them around 30-32. Being single at this age is a bit lonely and scary…
lateteawiththerabbit 1y ago
I'm 27 and these feelings are starting to kick in for me. I've always wanted to adopt and am perfectly fine if I can't birth any of my children. But the idea that I've somehow unintentionally robbed myself of the opportunity to give birth stresses me out at times.
But again, unless a woman is really close to 40, I don't think panic is necessary or helpful. I did recently read a study somewhere that women in their mid thirties are more likely to carry multiples (naturally, not just from IVF). So maybe your hope of 2-3 isn't too far off!
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Yes, 27 is about when I started worrying. Unfortunately for me, that’s also when the pandemic hit which took a lot of important dating time away from me. I wish you the best of luck!
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Any advice for how to keep moving?
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Ignore your feelings about things you can't control (eg your past) and work ruthlessly on things you can.
amhran_oiche 1y ago
I just turned 30 and I get your feelings but I don't share the anxiety anymore. you should have dreams and goals apart from marriage and children. your life should still be fulfilling and fun. take time to really work on becoming someone that you want to marry would want to marry.
Glad-Discount-4761 1y ago
Same here. In my case, I am even worried about my disease which can be deal breaker for men.
[deleted]
Beautiful-Sunflower 1y ago
No you didnt, your very young you still have some time to find a man and have a child if thats your dream. Become more open and maybe open your dating pool some see what happens.
NikiY12 1y ago
I hope this can make you feel better. I was chronically single, sent on plenty of dates but never found the right man.
At 33 I chanced a swipe and sent a message to a guy on a dating app who seemed alright. I genuinely assumed he would be an arse like the rest of them. 18 months later and we're married
sunglasses90 1y ago
Swiped on my now fiancé at 28, 9 months later engaged, 2 years from our first date is our wedding date.
We literally couldn’t be any happier. We’re a literal perfect fit. I was on dating apps for like 3-4 months and found my husband. Couldn’t recommend it more. Just have to be careful and weed out weird people and go on a lot of first dates where you either ghost them or they ghost you. Can’t take the rejection seriously at all. It’s like speed dating basically.
NikiY12 1y ago
Love seeing stories like this. I didn't believe the "when you know, you know" crowd until it happened to me!
NikiY12 1y ago
Love seeing stories like this. I didn't believe the "when you know, you know" crowd until it happened to me!
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
The thing is I’ve been on dating apps for about 1.5 years at this point. I’ve only met a handful of guys I thought things could work out with and none of them ended up working out. And definitely no one who has felt like a perfect fit. Now that I’m 30, I’m wondering if the problem is actually me and if I should try to make things work with someone even if I’m not super excited about them
[deleted]
NikiY12 1y ago
Interesting take. Not desperate, we both realised very early on that it was right between us.
Thankfully, my husband is very levelheaded and down to earth and they are two of the many things I love about him.
The exact opposite of internet trolls.
[deleted]
NikiY12 1y ago
Excellent trolling.
notknownfromhere 1y ago
go back to TRP✌
[deleted]
Gullible-Layer-434 1y ago
Action (or inaction) has consequences. You don't get sympathy for it. The only way is forward so keep moving forward. Sulking won't solve anything. It will only waste your time which you don't have much of.
marco-sharko 1y ago
My top tip would be this...do not waste any time with men your own age or younger. That will be the pathway to a wasted 30's.
Men your age are just discovering that they have much higher value in the sexual market place, and they are no way ready to settle down. They are experiencing the 'gold rush' period, where they have all the power in the market place. They usually have more money and can start doing some serious up-dating.
You have to remember that the man how is successful in their 30's was almost certainly a nerd in their teens and 20's. They were dorky and goofy, and they studied hard so that they could become lawyers and doctors etc. They got zero attention from women, who only had time for the jocks and bad boys.
For those one-time geeks and dorks, it's payback time, for their miserable late teens and twenties, when the women had all the power in the market place, and they were overlooked. They're still bitter about that, so they'll want to milk the 30's paradise for as long as possible.
Seriously, do not waste the next 6 years in relationships that go nowhere. Men in their 30's still want to play the field (so many eager candidates!) and are not ready to settle down.
Try and find a guy who is around 42 and over, preferably divorced. That is the winning strategy. They will not be in the mood to waste time.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
I agree I might want to focus on men a bit older than me but I can’t imagine what I would have in common with a man 13 years or more older than me…
marco-sharko 1y ago
That's where you're wrong. There are so many couples with an age gap like that who are very happy. Because the man is over the gold rush phase and has settled down.
You might want hear this but if a man is not ugly, earning decent coin in a high status profession, over 6 feet tall, owns a property (no matter how basic), no drug or alcohol issues....in the over 35s market they are hypergamous. They will only pair bond with women that are exceptional.
They will "date" ordinary women. But essentially that is just trading dinners, lifts and small gifts for sex. They will not marry ordinary women. Because they don't have to.
Have an honest conversation with yourself. Are you exceptional? Why should a man with the qualities that you demand settle down with you when they could have a younger thinner taller more beautiful woman?
SunshineSundress 1y ago
There’s a big difference between a 19 year old woman and a 32 year old man, but there’s much less difference between a 30 year old woman and a 43 year old man. You are both solidly adults with adult interests and adult goals. Sure, he may like different music than you do, or use different slang, or have different hobbies, but those things don’t really mean much in terms of compatibility.
If anything, women purposefully date older men BECAUSE of whatever difference they have with younger men - they are more successful, more experienced, and more likely to want to settle down. Those differences are the things you’re supposed to be looking for strategically.
marco-sharko 1y ago
This is all correct. 10 Years plus age gap (male older) used to be the norm until about the 1970s. Look what happened to the divorce rate when this changed.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
So I actually think large age gaps can be pretty problematic. My grandpa was 13 years older than my grandma and it caused them a lot of problems. His heath declined way before hers and she was a widow for many years once he died. Also I still haven’t given up hope of my own kids, which would make the man in his mid to late 40s before he became a father. Not that I would disqualify a man that seemed great because of the age gap, but I think purposefully seeking out large age gaps can cause problems down the road
handsoapsoup 1y ago
Or you know what you could do. Get the first man that is interested in you just so you don't end up alone. The man turns out to be emotionally abusive but you stick around to see if you can fix him, then you get a child together, skip forward 12 years and you are now stuck in a marriage with an emotionally abusive husband but you don't want to leave cause you want the picture perfect life for your kid and you want them to have a mom and dad in their life. The last 15 years you have been walking on eggshells and your life is no longer yours. But you made the decision 15 years ago and you stick by it.
Or...enjoy your single years, wait for the right man to come along and then start your happy little family in a marriage your happy about every single day. You'll look back on your single life as some of your best years and you'll be glad you got to live that experience. You tasted life and now you are truly ready to settle down. You're not running out of time. Ejoy every single day love.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
Thank you, this is a great reminder
Midnight_Mascara 1y ago
What!!! I'm 30 and no kids. I don't feel like a failure because I'm content in being alone nor do I do what society expects me to do. Be yourself. Enjoy life and embrace every moment. What will be will be.
HairRevolutionary128 1y ago
So I think the difference is that for me I’ve always wanted the traditional marriage and kids. And I failed to get that on the “normal” timeline so it’s hard to not to feel like I failed…
[deleted]
Latter_Ad_6840 1y ago
A lot of what you said is not true. A lot of men come to vent on reddit because they feel disempowered in their life. If you look outside you will see people usually end up with others around their age. People do have basic filters when it comes to attraction and certain socioeconomic things maybe, though really it's nothing that stringent for women. After that it's mostly about having a connection and vetting.
At 30 you also won't fall for the same things that younger women might if you know what you are looking for.
If you have some issues to resolve i'd look into therapy, I'd also work on self-love. I suffer from self-esteem issues where I do not feel worthy either and working through those thoughts really help me. Self-love isn't about accepting where you are and refusing to improve, it's about improving out of a sense of self-respect for yourself and valuing yourself. It really makes everything much easier, including one of the helpful posts where another redditor gives you a bullet list of suggestions.
Anyways you will be fine :)
Supercuate 1y ago
you will.
keetzmermaid 1y ago
If you go for a rich high status 45-50 year old man this might work out for you