I’ve just turned 34 (F), single, currently recovering from the most painful experience in my life ever. Broken up after almost 8 year relationship with a man I wanted to spend my life with, cancelled wedding, lost baby….. Trying to self-reflect and find motivation to wake up everyday, figure out what I am doing wrong in life as I ended up in this situation.

I had a great man but I’ve lost him. First it looked like it just happened “suddenly” or lately, but I am discovering there were so many indicators from the early stage, all related to my personality and behavior, making me feel like I am completely lost existence.

- I never loved myself, not even close, not even little: I never believed somebody can truly love me, because I didn’t see a reason for them to love me. I did not feel like I deserve good handsome man (end result in the end just proved it), but point here is I already went to the relationship with thoughts I am lucky that somebody is even willing to spend some time with me, as I wouldn’t like to spend time with myself. There were just so many negative thoughts in my head, that in the end they became my identity.

- That leads to another issue: Believing I have no qualities, I tried to always look better in ex-partner eyes, than I was in reality. I tried to be cooler, not overthinking like a typical woman, not over discussing problems…. I kept crossing my boundaries in belief partner will like me. I was keeping my feelings inside not to hurt him or upset him. Towards the end I realized I don’t know anymore who I am, because in a desperate cravings to be loved I lost myself completely.

- Last and the most serious issue is it all resulted in me seeking attention and validation outside of the relationship. I enjoyed men complimenting me. There was even one I flirted with just because I thought I should probably satisfy myself with somebody who has less qualities, as even I don’t have such a good qualities. I thought I should aim less. I thought that maybe I have better chances with a person who is "just good enough" (the man I flirted with), than with a man who is the real catch and I love him (because why would such a man stay with me, right?).

In the end I cleaned up my thoughts and decided to fight for a real catch. But it was too late. I disrespected my partner, I didn’t behave like a lady, and I broke the trust completely. Worst part about it is that I devastated my partner’s self-esteem, and he is never going to believe me nothing else happened. He is never going to believe I did not cheat on him. He is never going to believe he was always everything I wished for.

I live with a guilt I ruined somebody, I will have to deal with it rest of my life. There is only one thing more painful than the fact person you love sees you as such a horrible human being doing horrible things – and that thing is him suffering because he believe these horrible things are true.

This happened because all I ever wanted was somebody loving me the way I am. Unfortunately, I never realized I need to start from myself.

I am in no place to play smarty pants now and share any wisdom with you, my women. But if there is one piece of advice I would leave here for you (that I think can help you in life): before you get in the serious relationship, work on yourself, love yourself and make sure you know who you are. Avoid negative self talk because you will become what you think about yourself.

Don’t put all this responsibility on your future partner. It’s something you need to do for yourself AND FOR HIM.