Wow, I am so glad you have posted this! I have the same issue and find it so hard to be gracious, especially if I've had a hard day too.

Thank you OP and commenters - I've got some good ideas to implement.

My g/f likes to delve into the "when I was a child" psychobabble now and then. I don't know if this works in the F--->M direction but I usually cut it short by reminding her it's useless and we have a lot to accomplish today (gym, cooking, cleaning, work, going out, etc.) and that's not helping with anything.

Guys being guys, it may be hard for the Queen to address the King without wounding his pride; however accepting truth and criticism is the mark of a good leader.

If he's just blowing off steam it's fine but if it interferes with productivity I'd basically just tell him it's useless. I know if my g/f told me "You've been whining all day" I'd definitely snap out of it.

It is the job of the first officer to suggest alternative courses of action and to challenge the Captain (but ultimately defer to him).

Not sure if this is RP advice, so feel free to set me straight, mods.

My husband is a complainer. It helps him to vent. So I listen. He's pessimistic, which is a nice balance because I am optimistic. He's critical, which is good for me at times (tough love) and at others the last thing I need to hear.

Sometimes, we joke about it. (It's a running joke in my family anyway) depending on his mood, this usually gets a smile out of him.

But what I do is try my best to stay positive and say something positive. My husband has a lot of good traits that I want my girls to acquire. This is not one of them. So I stay positive not just for myself, but also for them. If he complains in front of them, I say something positive about what he's done, or what we have, or what they've done.

If it's just me and him, I usually make a joke, or ignore it.

I can't let it bring me down because what would that do to help? I have to be the balance.

I think I understand. I know when I complain, what I'm usually looking for is validation, but that doesn't mean you have to just agree with everything he says. I don't think that's necessarily the only rpw solution. Have you tried just listening and saying nothing unless asked? You could turn that time into an opportunity to meditate a bit on your feelings and observe what's coming up for you and why, and let yourself relax about trying to find solutions. Even if he's not interested in that, it doesn't mean he doesn't value the perspective you can offer.

See, this is why I love this sub. Everyone who responded gave helpful, straightforward advice. Thanks so much for that, RPW. Sorry I couldn't directly respond to each comment, the kids have a lot going on this week and I have to be quick here

Many of you mentioned that I aught to just let him be. I think in 90% of cases that's what I will do. We both have annoying habits, and he surely puts up with mine. This is one of those things that is just not worth causing a fuss over. He's been this way since he was a kid, and I knew it when we got married.

However, when it comes to complaining in front of the kids I am going to have to redirect him somehow. Picking up that behavior will hurt their future with jobs, friendships and marriage projects.

I won't approach it from an angle like "quit whining in front of our kids, you are teaching them bad habits" because I think that's rude. But maybe something closer to "can we talk about this stuff after the kids go to bed? We shouldn't worry them with our venting." And then just make sure to follow through with encouraging him to vent after they do go to bed.

If he doesn't respond to that, oh well. Move on with life.

My husband used to complain about stuff but really doesn't anymore. It mostly went away when I went RP and started putting him first and trying to curb selfishness. When I quit trying to "fix" things and started to listen, he basically stopped. Oh, and omega-3 is a mood enhancer; maybe try that.

And don't try to solve his problems; that never works. Listen and be there for him. How you decide to feel about his complaining is your choice; you can be upset or you can empathize; your choice.

I have family like that and can't imagine being married to one, but here's how I deal with relatives: range it by minutes per subject. Around five minutes of complaining can be tolerated. After that I started bringing up solutions. After three solutions are rejected I change the topic to something pleasant we both find engaging. If they try and change it back, I return to the original topic. If they keep going on I leave them to it and find something else to do. It may be different for you, especially as he's your husband, but if it's really getting to you then this may be the only way.

Of course, you can always talk to him about his complaining and explain how it's affecting you and the kids. Have you also considered that he may think home is the only time and place to vent such concerns? Because this may mean he isn't getting enough time with his own man-friends and family. Consider talking it through when both of you are at ease and alone. It may help.

I will say, I used to have this problem, particularly venting making things worse. I had no idea I was that bad until someone pointed it out to me. I was stuck and didn't really understand that it was a circular negative drain on me and those around me. Since this is something he's grown up around, he may not realize he's doing it. He might also be depressed.

Why not sit down with him when he's calm and relaxed and bring it up? "Hey, hon, I notice you seem really unhappy about a lot of things. Do you realize you have a lot of complaints about life? What can I do to help with that?"

Don't put him on the defensive, and make it a more open-ended brainstorming session with him, so it's not like you're telling him what to do. Could be, it's mindless. Could be, he's depressed. I don't think you should ignore it, but tread carefully how you approach on this. Be an ally for him and hopefully you can help him feel more positive about life.

I think the real issue here is that your emotions are being affected by this. I think that's something you can control, with practice and mindfulness.

Your husband has a problem and he's looking to you to try to help him solve it. It sounds like he needs something from you. It's your job to figure out what that is. Just keep trying different perspectives, and being supportive. It sounds like you're doing your best.

When he's complaining like that in front of your child, maybe you could find a kind and subtle way to suggest you have the grown up conversations in private.

You don't say how long you've been married.

Unfortunately, this might be too late to change. I have a big problem with complainers and I made it clear to my partner. This is how (maybe you can try too...):

1. By talking about how much you hate people who complain. Not mentioning him, of course. I mentioned friends who complained a lot and told him how I avoided them and what I thought they'd be better off doing with their time. It sounded self-righteous but he got the point: my intolerance of it.

But honestly, I think my BF is just not the complaining type. That's what attracted me to him, actually. I dated a complainer before and it just dried up my pussy like a puddle in the desert. So I promised never to do that.

Anyway, good luck!

PS. When did you realize you don't like complainers?

My job in my marriage is to see what I can do to be the best husband my wife could have. Her job is to see what she can do to be the best wife I could have.

We married based on the absolute trust the other would do his/her job within personal limitations.

If my wife is unhaply with some of my characteristics, I like to hear it, once. If I can, I will work on it. If I cannot, she has to accept the facts. This works both ways.

We do NOT nag, we do NOT try to change the other. We change ourselves if we should, want and can, and we accept eachother for 100%.

So what if she would try to change me? Oh yes, I would accept her trying. But the result will not be me changing, but the marriage itself changing, declining. So, better she didnot. We both understand that, and even tho we both have our shortcommings, we have a very very sound marriage.

Could he be depressed? Depression can manifest itself in not-so-obvious ways sometimes. Just a general sense of unhappiness and negativity over a long period of time can point to depression. Just a thought.

1) let him vent

2) empathize with his venting

3) support him, move on

Is there an approach I need to use that I'm just not thinking of?

Yes its the "I shalt not change my husband once ive married him" approach.

The best thing you can do FOR HIM is to agree with him.

My dad is like this lol and I ended up marrying "my dad" so to speak (which is good). But after 20 years of marriage to a good man, I have pretty much forgot that trait until I read this post. How do you forget? I thank God I was blessed with such a good provider, honorable and good husband. You can't let yourself overlook all the positive aspects of your marriage. Don't look at it as complaining, other than your husband feels comfortable enough to discuss these matters with you. Your home is his escape, the place he looks forward to coming home to after a horrible day in the world. Don't offer solutions...just listen...that's really all he wants. I would also advise he take up hunting or go to the gym. Maybe give him a hunting lisc. as a christmas gift (don't push the idea on him--gift it as a surprise). After a solid workout or good day hunting he will forget what he was upset about and just crash when he gets home ;)