The more I get to know my fiance's cousin (see previous posts, tl;dr she's 16), the more I realize that her problem won't come from lacking femininity, gentleness, or kindness, all of which she has in abundance. She alerted me to the problem herself. The problem is that she freezes up in new social situations, and finds it difficult to say no, offer a differing opinion, or stand up for herself when she gets pushed around. She frequently brings it up as one of the things she wants to change about herself, and has asked for help.
So far I've been gently introducing her to a few friends at a time with similar energy levels (see a nice movie, hug kittens, and avoid large parties) for socializing practice, or taking her out to family-friendly city events to get her used to larger groups of people without the need to socialize, or reminding her that she can tell me "no" anytime she doesn't want to do something (eat weird food, try on a piece of clothing she doesn't like, etc).
The other day we were shopping, and when I held up clothes, she would make sounds that couldn't be read as a yes or a no. By the end of it I had her giving me clear indicators, but she needs practice. My worry is that if she carries that behavior into her interactions with men, she might get coaxed into a higher count than necessary before she finds a good man.
I want to help, or lead her to help, in strengthening her boundaries and becoming less terrified in social situations, without dampening her already sweet and kind disposition. It probably helps that I lead by example, remaining pleasant yet firm in a lot of tense situations (not all, unfortunately, but at least all the ones she's seen me in), but if I could pass on some reading material or advice, or try other things to help...
If anyone has any advice, recommended articles, etc, please share.
ColdEiric 8y ago
Drag her out of her comfort zone. Be relentless. You notice anything which she still doesn't do well enough? Force her, cajole her, bribe her, drag her, demand her, do anything to get her to be at least this good at it. Invite her to new places. You need not push her into icy cold waters, but tell her to at least dip her toes in it.
KatherineKelly 8y ago
I have been accused of being to nice. And I can see now that part of that came from wanting to avoid conflict and a lack of confidence that I had anything of value to offer someone so I would sell the niceness "to be liked, accepted and included"
Being nice was an attempt to make up for a perceived deficit.
Being nice was at times manipulative so was not entirely genuine.
I'm naturally warm and kind and abhor cruelty but the problem was this natural temperament became wrapped up in fears that made me emotionally dishonest to myself and others
It can take you into cowardice and insincerity.
Be nice but don't sacrifice integrity,courage or honesty.
These moral values that I learned saved me from myself.
Without these internal values she will be adrift because her mind will have no strength of will and could result in her having no will to live when life becomes to difficult.
Being nice without a strong sense of your own moral values will take you into passivity and keep you trapped in fear.
You will always be at the mercy of others because you have no sense of yourself. You lose yourself in others and become their puppet as they do your thinking for you
I'm still nice but this niceness is now matched with strength of character that comes out of my own sense of what is right and wrong "for me and according to me"
People may not like a bitch but sometimes they trust one more than someone who is nice.
ColdEiric 8y ago
Draw a line in the sand for yourself, so you know where you stop being nice, and when you draw your knives and start cutting meat for the vultures.
I have also been to nice, and it have helped me. People will eventually get where and when you start cutting. They'll learn how far they can go without bleeding. You'll ruin those toxic frenemie-relationships where the other person is a parasite, and it will hurt. But you'll find those person who stand shoulder to shoulder on your left and your right, those with whom you'll have deeper, better friendships.
Beach_Baby 8y ago
This has been my experience with being too much of a people pleaser. At 32 I have finally started turning off the sweetness when it's necessary, but it took some rough situations to get me there.
littlebit_ 8y ago
My very best friend has a brash personality and occasionally asks me to rephrase her texts so she won't come across too off-putting. Maybe your fiancé's cousin can use the same phrases to be more assertive, but in a kind way?
A good way to say no to an invitation is "I'm going to decline, thank you for thinking of me."
If you're disagreeing with someone and you want to discuss it, say something along the lines, "That's an interesting perspective, but I think/have you considered [whatever it is you think].."
If there's anything specific that she needs help saying, let me know, & I can try and phrase it so it's assertive, but kind/tactful enough that she feels comfortable saying it.
raisin_warlord 8y ago
Might want to read No More Mr. Nice Guy
lisfb 8y ago
Does she work or volunteer with any consistency? Working or volunteering time with kids, the elderly, animals, recycling, whatever interest her puts her out there and around others. She can socialize a little, but because there’s always work to be done, if she’s feeling overwhelmed at any point, she can excuse herself and focus her attention on the tasks at hand. Also, in a way, helps with “stage fright” - she doesn't have to worry about being the center of attention (with public speaking courses, she’s going to have to stand up and give a few speeches and with working in a call center, she needs to be ready to handle many angry and frustrated clients – definitely not bad things to get involved with and definitely great skills to have, but if she’s the type that needs to be eased slowly into things, jumping into the deep end may not be the best first step…it depends on where she is, though, and if she’s willing to tackle the problem head on, right away, since she knows this is something she wants to work on).
KlaiFrai 8y ago
She does volunteer an an old folks home twice a month. Perhaps increase it to every week until the end of summer?
lisfb 8y ago
If she's up for it, yes. The more she's out there, doing something, the more comfortable she'll get with the residents, other volunteers and employees, the environment as a whole. And after awhile, if she wants more of a 'challenge'/wants to take on more responsibility, but would like to do so at a place she has built up some confidence and familiarity with how things function and runs, she can look into branching out into other roles at the home (kinda 'big fish in little pond vs small fry in vast ocean' type thing).
Whatever she ends up doing to break out of her shell, good luck to her! First step's always the most difficult, but the reward at the end makes the initial uncertainty of it all, worth it!
dalls18 8y ago
I also think reaffirming her values, morals, and what's important to her in life will naturally help her know what situations she doesn't want to be or put herself in, or people she doesn't want to interact with. Once she becomes sure of herself and stronger in her character everything else will become easier
[deleted] 8y ago
vintagegirlgame 8y ago
I was really shy/sheltered for most of my teen years. Though my true personality was always social since I was a baby, as a teen I knew nothing of pop culture so I think this caused me to be more quiet because I was afraid of not knowing basic teen things. Sports and especially being on a team (xc, track and swim) was what helped me blossom socially. Was one of the best things about high school and really helped me overcome shyness.
SoonToBeMrsHim 8y ago
I second the public speaking class. I am a social butterfly but that gets me into almost as much trouble as being shy - just the other extreme. Taking a public speaking class really helped me slow down and think before I speak. As for the being pressured into sexual situations (i.e. higher partner count) getting a job in any customer service role will really help her hone skills on standing her ground in a polite and poised manner.
/u/KlaiFrai, I think it's great she's acknowledging these things at 16 and has you to help her out!
SkittyLover93 8y ago
The public speaking class sounds like a good idea. OP, maybe she could join a debate club or toastmasters' club at school? If she joins a debate club, she'll be "pushed around" in a controlled environment, so she'll be able to learn how to respond to other people opposing her views.
MistressCelius 8y ago
I second going to Toastmasters. She'll learn public speaking skills, speaking in a professional environment and accountability for taking up various roles for a meeting. It will give her the confidence to be able to speak out in professional settings.
A caveat about it though; it doesn't teach her to be social at all. It doesn't help her improve her own social game. I am currently struggling with this myself. I can practice all the elevator speeches I want but I won't be able to engage into talking with some bigwig at some networking event with the right questions or right intro unless being approached in the first place. It also doesn't help her tackle some of the weird shit test questions that might arise (maybe the Table Topics portion but I digress). I suppose volunteering for roles in Toastmasters help a bit and being more proactive in your choices, but I find that putting yourself out there through other means of activities such as other clubs or volunteering in social organizations might be better for her to use as improving her own social game.
Debate clubs were something I wish I had when I was in high school and would definitely get her into finding the right folks to help her socialize with!
itsnadya101 8y ago
Going to meetups some of which I wasn't even that interested in just so I could see if I could carry a conversation with people I had nothing in common with helped me kill my social anxiety
happyrpwoman 8y ago
I was a suuuuper shy teen. As mentioned in the other comment, customer service helps. Is she working? A part time gig at a counter or even call center can get her accustomed to pleasant interactions. I used to work in a book store - a quiet place where I was comfortable, and was never too fast paced.
It's also great to get involved in activities with varying ages for practice, and having a task to focus on keeps the conversation going. Maybe volunteering at a local humane society? Pick up intramural sports? Now that it's summer there's loads for kids to do!
KlaiFrai 8y ago
Her student visa won't let her work until university, but I might encourage her to join a school club.