There have been a lot of new users actively participating on the RPW sub recently, which is wonderful as well as encouraging. There are a few things I wanted to address, that will (hopefully) make everyone's experience on the RPW sub more pleasant and enjoyable. Some users are going through a 'bumpy' introduction here for a few reasons:
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Attitude/snark
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Assuming an authoritative role
- Not listening and getting defensive
Building a reputation on this sub does not happen overnight. It requires time, consistent participation, useful input and good feedback. When you are new, no one will have any idea who you are, what you're about, or how reliable your input is going to be. Trust is not automatic, it has to be earned. Until you become an endorsed and well known member of this community it is always better to err on the side of caution. Do not adopt a condescending or snarkish tone, it will not be well received. There are different ways to go about making your point without giving everyone the impression that you are an uppity witch.
If you post a thread on this sub, be prepared for honest feedback. You may not hear things that you like, or even want to admit - so before you fly off the handle and start arguing with users, take a deep breath. Members here are going to tell you what you need to know, but that doesn't mean it will be easy to digest. We are here to be the best women we can be, to minimize our faults and become better versions of ourselves. You cannot walk in out of the blue and start throwing your ego around like you already know everything. That's going to rub everyone the wrong way, and immediately make people wary.
You have to consistently provide good feedback before other users are going to start considering you to be a decent source of information and advice. If you want to be respected, then you have to pay your dues and show respect. You can disagree with anyone if you want to, but if you take the time to be respectful, show sincerity, and ask for clarifications gently then your discussions will be more insightful and productive.
On another note, if a Moderator warns you that your behavior is out of line, do yourself a favor and listen. The mods have a lot on their plate to deal with, and navigating certain issues takes a lot of time and energy. The Moderating team is doing everything it can to make this sub run smoothly, throw out destructive users, and make sure RPW is full of good material. Many users here make life easier for the mods by self-patrolling. When you see bad advice, feel free to disagree and explain why it doesn't work. Furthermore if you notice troublesome remarks or content, don't hesitate to hit the "Report" button, and then shoot the Mods a quick message explaining why you reported the comment(s). The Mods do their best to sift through all the conversations, but sometimes things slip through the cracks.
If you are posting a question and explaining a problem - be sure to acknowledge the role you played in creating the problem. Every story has two sides, and problems don't crop up simply because one person suddenly decided to make waves. Practice some self-awareness, display some humility, and own up to your short-comings from the start. You are not blameless, and you are not perfect. Furthermore, do not bash your man and paint him in a bad light.
For example, instead of writing:
"My SO is a slob and never picks up after himself"
Try using a more neutral tone:
"I'm looking for suggestions and techniques I can implement to make it easier to keep our home clean. We are constantly on the go as a couple, and keeping the laundry situation under control has been really hard lately, so creating a more efficient system is something I really want to do, I'm just now sure how to go about making it happen. Right now, clothes will pile up on the floor a lot more than they used to. I know that I personally haven't been diligent about running loads of wash on Friday's like I used to, which I need to work on. What system do you ladies use to make sure all the laundry gets done and your space stays tidy?"
Granted, creating a neutral tone may take a bit longer to write, but if something's worth saying - then it's worth taking the time to say properly. Instead of framing problems that land solely at your man's feet, make them a problem you are both dealing with as a couple, or a problem that has been created by your own actions. Focus on things you can control - which mostly begins and ends at your feet. You cannot control other people, so focus on how you can be better, and the changes you can incorporate into your life.
Keep in mind that if you participate on this sub, you will most likely need to swallow your pride at one point or another. Grow some thicker skin if you intend to butt-heads with other users. If you can't let go of disagreements and move on, then take extreme care to always adopt a neutral and non-aggressive tone. Be kind to one another - but understand that sometimes kindness comes in the form of tough love.
Comments, suggestions, concerns and discussion are all encouraged.
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[deleted] 10y ago
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PhantomDream09 10y ago
You don't defer to every man, only the man you are with (provided he's worthy of your respect, and a good leader). I won't deny that things can get a bit tough around here at times, but this happens for a few reasons. If you're genuinely interested in learning and can listen/absorb feedback without getting defensive, that will make everything easier. A lot of women take "honest advice" and immediately call it rudeness because the responses aren't what they expected.
We won't sugar-coat everything, but we will tell you what you need to know. Here's another thing to keep in mind, you can do a lot to help set and control the overall tone. I never had any negative run-ins when I first started commenting on RPW. Just take the time you need to fully explain your thoughts, be self-aware, and know that everyone is here to improve and become a better woman.
Hopefully that clears a few things up for you. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
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[deleted] 10y ago
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PhantomDream09 10y ago
I respect TRP sub, but mostly click out or avoid anything I know isn't going to appeal to me. A lot goes on there, and I think of it as a space for men. I don't agree with everything they say, but I agree they have a right to say it. Talk to other men as men without having to worry about social constraints etc.
You don't have to bow down to every swinging Tom, Dick, and Harry to be a RPW. You just need to respect your man. As you've noted, there are some very opinionated ladies on RPW, and they definitely don't pander to someone simply because they are a guy.
Some of the more extreme men will come around and settle, others won't. Not every RP man is a mirror of what you see on TRP. My SO for example, really only focuses on LTR material and advice. Many of the men are married or in LTR's already. I associate only positive things with TRP, because my SO is an amazing man that never loses his temper, yells, or acts negatively. He's logical, steady, and extremely insightful. His motivations all stem from wanting to make our relationship better, and improving our quality of life.
We focus on what we can control, and we don't encourage harping on our men. Instead we encourage women to push themselves to improve and change and be better. A lot of our beliefs and attitudes get twisted or are purposely misunderstood. There's an entire sub dedicated to mocking RPW and TRP...their anger and disgust materializes out of thin air. If you met me in real life, you wouldn't be able to tell that my relationship is RP. We simply look like a happy couple. My SO isn't a monster, and I'm not an insecure dolt.
I have had disagreements with gentlemen on TRP at times, but my interactions are almost exclusively positive, because while I may disagree with certain ideas, I am willing to set that aside and empathize with what many of those guys are struggling with.
Don't be worried, and please don't hesitate to comment and participate.
[deleted] 10y ago
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[deleted] 10y ago
the heart and soul of RPW
PhantomDream09 10y ago
Yeah, all the "plate spinning" etc doesn't exactly resonate with me either haha! My SO absolutely makes me feel protected, in several ways.
Trust me, if you can get along with Dana, you won't have any problems around here. Dana, Tempest, and Marge are just very protective of this sub. We have to weed out budding trolls and cut nonsense off as much as possible. It's not always easy, we just don't want to see the message of RPW get twisted and shift into something it's not.
[deleted] 10y ago
Excellent point. This approach is useful in all conversations where friction could be generated between viewpoints!
PhantomDream09 10y ago
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your feedback, as well as your kind words.
I rarely find myself butting heads with people in my day to day life, and I think a lot of that has to do with how I phrase things as well as the tone I use. Nothing about my demeanor says "confrontational" or "aggressive" - and that almost always works to my advantage and benefit. People have more patience with me because I take the time to show them a little courtesy and understanding first.
[deleted] 10y ago
Personally, my job is 2 parts wading into chaos and taking control of the situation (generally by force of will) and 1 part teaching laymen about complicated things while standing right it in. I have to be aggressive and personable at the same time, and don't often have any problems.
In text I can come across as pedantic though, when I'm trying to fully explain a topic or some such thing, which sets folks off.
PhantomDream09 10y ago
I'm glad you are able to navigate that line between showing authority while still remaining pleasant. Sometimes I need to get a point across as well, but I can always take the time to simply explain the process. One technique that I use is to actually start with what the client wants to do, and then explain how the implementation of that approach would actually create more difficulties and problems in the long run. Then, I explain a different course of action and illustrate how it's actually more cost-effective and beneficial.
I'm not sure if that approach is open to you or applicable, but it's something to keep in mind. My work suits my personality in many ways, and having to be confrontational for any length of time would be exhausting. Butting heads with users on reddit is about all I can really deal with, and I'm much more aggressive online than I am in my day-to-day life.
A few easy changes to the words you use, and even phrasing can go a long way in changing the tone of your writing style. And never underestimate the power of a few positive words and a smiley face.
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pinkantlers 10y ago
This is great, can we sticky it at the top of the sub? I'm listening and learning.
[deleted] 10y ago
your username is so cute. it makes me happy when i see it
pinkantlers 10y ago
aww cool :)
PhantomDream09 10y ago
THe post has now been stickied. I'd like to see if anyone thinks there should be additions, edits, or clarifications that need to be included, but yes, my goal is to have it included on the side-bar in the near future.
Thank you for your input!
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TempestTcup 10y ago
LOL, I already put it on the sidebar and then I organized the side bar with a new section called "Read This Before Making a Post". Not that anyone will actually read them, but...
PhantomDream09 10y ago
HAHA! I apologize, I didn't look at the side-bar before commenting. Thanks Tempest!
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blondie_brownie 10y ago
This is why I really love this sub. That was incredibly eloquently, kindly and firmly explained. Frankly, it should be added to the sidebar. Thank you for laying it all out for new users (which I also am) so clearly. I especially like the "two sides to every story" part. Well done!
PhantomDream09 10y ago
That's very kind of you to say, thank you. It may be added to the side-bar after it has been reviewed and certain edits been made (depending on what other users have to say).
Regardless, I'm glad to hear that you find it useful.
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[deleted] 10y ago
I do like the idea of making sure both sides of a story are told. We often don't take into account that we are a part of the problem as well and instead push the entirety of it onto our SOs.
I also like the way you explained why newbies are having a rough ride here (I know I did on a couple of threads). Some may feel blindsided by the way things are handled here, and it would be nice to point to this thread and say "Here's why we're being so hard on you."
PhantomDream09 10y ago
It can take a bit of an adjustment, especially if users don't take the time to consider the bigger picture. This is a very focused and opinionated sub, and certain behaviors will not be readily welcomed. When someone walks in assuming they already know the in's and out's and that everyone should take their word for it that they know what's what - friction will be created. As with most things in our lives, the problems we struggle with are often (at least in part) created through our own actions. When users complain about being dealt with harshly, it's often because people are reacting to a tone they already established. If anyone wants to be treated gently, then the best way you can improve your odds is to be gentle yourself. Basically, "treat other's how you wish to be treated."
I'm sorry you had some difficulties, hopefully your interactions have been much more productive and positive since then.
Thanks for the feedback and taking the time to comment!
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[deleted] 10y ago
I think a lot of them really don't realize they're being hostile sometimes. People are often blind to their own bad behavior.
Oh, I realize I was the reason I had those difficulties. Everything is certainly much more productive and positive now that I realized I was hostile a few times without meaning to be.
You're welcome! :)