I loathe exercise because it bores me to tears but like being active. Tennis, golf, kayaking, hiking, ect.

If you can find a few common active interests this can give you alone time plus be proactive about health. The getting healthy through fun approach.

Maybe it is superficial but I'm more confident when I know I'm at peak health and physical condition. Clear eyes, glowing skin and silky hair seem to come from healthy living better than out of a bottle.

Men do not change easily for women unless they think it is their idea. Maybe it comes from their mothers constant nagging growing up so by the time they marry they are extremely resistant or possibly because they think women are inferior to them so should not be in the position to make suggestions as to how they are living their lives.

Listening to men I really get the impression that the more they love a woman the more likely they are to see her as dangerous to them. This can make any suggestions or requests to be met with suspicion, stubbornness, hostility, while showing nothing on the outside.

Bitching, nagging, screaming in anger or rage simply seems to make them close down and confirm their already negative attitude toward and about women.

Rational calm reasoning and leading by example seems to work best. Don't push but instead invite him to join you in living life the way you are living it for yourself.

Build it and they will come.

Beware of that impulse to "change him." If you feel that urge, consciously redirect that energy towards working on yourself.

Focus on changing yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, etc.

This is not about you. You're seeing life through lenses he might not have right now. This perfect relationship you want to have is like a magnificent skyscraper in the distance. It wasn't built overnight, and it's not a kindergarten Lego project. It's complicated and requires significant investment, and the building you're looking at is invisible to him, so describing it to him isn't going to do anything productive but will frustrate him.

Make these changes yourself. Turn yourself into a submissive,RP wife and that will water the seeds for alpha behavior that he already has planted.

This isn't about you. Get off the whole, "ideally he would be alpha by this date" or "these are behaviors of an alpha man that I want him to have." You've done these, made these stipulations in your head and you're shoving and goading him, and you know it. None of that is helpful, it's just whitewashing the same old controlling and demanding behavior and pretending it's supportive and motivating.

. He's never going to live up to your expectations because if he does behave more like an alpha, he won't be focusing on your happiness anyway, and that's where it all starts. Because it's not really about you.

If you really want to be happy you need to understand that he can't have that as his goal at all. He isn't your puppet. You can never change him. You can get your foot off of his throat, though. Someone else here said you need to get out of his way and it's true. All of your post is asking what you can get him to do now and the answer is nothing.

Are you as hot and sweet as you can possibly be right now? Work on that. How many dishes can you cook from scratch and how many nights a week do you do it? Work on that. Got a habit of letting the dishes pileup before you do them? Work on that. You want an alpha, but you need to deserve one. Just because you're married to him doesn't mean you don't still have to attract an alpha. If you met your husband tomorrow and he was your dream alpha, would he still want you like you are now?

On the smoking: does he know you'd prefer if he quit? Probably does right? So then do not, under any circumstances, hound him about this again. Don't bring it up. Don't make a face when he lights a cig, don't make passive aggressive concerned bullshit comments about his health because I promise he knows, and if he is running low, go get him a pack to save him the trip to the store. Fill his gas tank while your there and get him a pop he likes. Don't bitch about any of his habits to anyone, ever. These are things you can do starting now.

This is not about you. If he was your dream alpha except for this tobacco habit, would you walk away from your first date, looking just like you do now, saying, "ew, that's a deal breaker?" Now cycle through this thought process with each of these habits or traits he has that you don't like. If he was AB and perfect except for ____, would I still want him?

It will take time for him to see all your changes and to trust them. He's deflated and defeated and probably cynical about your recent changes. Give him a year, two years. How many years have you spent together not at the top of your game? Give him that many of your best.

And of course, you need to know that depending on how unattractive you've gotten physically and how big of a bitch and a nag you've been, he may already be totally checked out. Probably not, but be fair. You'll know in your gut if he just needs to be done.

Edit: Woah, this reads like I'm totally telling you off, girl. I'm not. There's no anger or I'll-will here, just frankness.

Just a quick question. Why do you want him to be more alpha and less beta?

Honestly, when I first started reading RPW I got really hung up on "what do you want for dinner - why wont YOU pick" My husband just doesn't like picking dinner. He has other things on his mind. Why should he spend the time and energy picking out a menu, that's my job. Do you know what foods he likes? Do you know what foods he dislikes? Great - you know enough to handle dinner yourself. If he makes a suggestion then you comply to the best of your abilities.

how can I gently encourage him to be more alpha, less beta and more proactive about his health (he's a smoker who needs to exercise - not overweight but needs to move - not criticism, just concerned)

You don't - You support him if he starts to make the change, but you don't push him. Get yourself into a good routine FIRST. Does he express the want to quit smoking, does he express the want to lose weight? If he doesn't any supportive push will come across as nagging. Now, if he does express the want to quit smoking/lose weight then you just have to ask him to join you in a nightly walk after dinner, shop healthier, cook healthier. Smoking, from what I understand, is one of the hardest addictions to quit. So you have to let him do it at his pace - if he even wants to.

I got "the surrendered wife" by Laura Doyle from my public library. I was a bit worried it would be over the top, but it was really practical. It has alot of real life examples on how to relinquish control and why. It's a simple, pragmatic book.

Anyone can follow the steps. It also showed some ways men react or feel if treated dissrespectfully or if controlled. I was trying hard before, but I never really got it.

I was desparing in the first chapters on how horrible I had been in some areas, but in the later ones I saw ways I had been successful, and proof in his actions. It was both prodding and encouraging, I do reccomend it, because as others have said, you are still trying to change him, and that isn't the goal.

We don't make our men more alpha. We get out of their way.

Work on yourself. Cook better meals. Go to the gym. Invite him to come along and hopefully he will. If he doesn't, that's his decision.