Hello Ladies,
I took the pill a few weeks back and I'm ready to fully commit to making some changes to hopefully salvage my relationship.
I'd like to use this forum to field report and receive feedback from this great community. Let me know what I am doing wrong and how I can improve!
I am a 30 and my husband is 29. We have a 9 month old and a 2 year old. I also have an 8 year from my first marriage. Husband works for a construction company and I am a stay at home mom.
We have been together for 5 years and I have been a terrible wife. Depression, near constant shit/comfort tests, blaming. He says I am over opinionated and controlling even though I think I hold my tongue quite a bit and feel I'm easy going. He says I nag him too much but things do not get done around the house for months at a time. Instead, he sits on the couch to watch tv and does not interact with any of us. I know I am doing things wrong and I need to change.
He does not know I am reading RP material and I do not know how to introduce it to him or if that is even appropriate. He is already somewhat RP with his attitude towards women but is indecisive and will not take charge of the relationship with out great resentment. He is overweight, extremely quiet, but has a lot of potential to be a wonderful husband... I just have to become a better wife. I am reasonably fit and still receive attention from men but my husband seems uninterested in me.
So, I'll be doing all the housework with no complaints, no more insisting about certain things around the house to be done ( I'll do it myself if I can ), and I'll keep working on myself physically. I'm interested to see what changes may or may not take place.
I am planning on getting a copy of The Submissive Wife. Can there be improvements in a relationship if he is not also reading RP material? I do not want to be controlling anymore.
TekkomanKingz 10y ago
You both fucked up. He needs to go on a diet and you need to cook him healthy meals to support that diet. His testosterone is probably dropping and your estrogen is too high. As a stay at home Mom there is no reason you can't be put in charge of the family's nutrition. It is a very important role and without it the family will not be in harmony.
FlowerAndWillowWorld 10y ago
I'm nearly finished reading the Surrendered Wife myself, and that book is full of excellent advice for your particular situation. Get it ASAP. It will help you see what you need to change and why, and also show you how just you changing yourself is going to change your husband's behavior all by itself. A lot of what he is doing is a reaction to the way you treat him.
awschucks 10y ago
There has already been a big difference around the house since I've moved back and "gotten out of his way". It has only been maybe two days of trying to commit fully to this RP lifestyle and my husband already seems happier! I am just amazed. He is playing with the children! I'm not hovering over him to correct his parenting or yelling parenting advice from another room. I can hear the voice in my head saying those things that I would normally just quack out loud but now there is a smaller, patient voice telling me to wait and let him handle it. If he needs help, he'll ask. I'm discovering he really does have a reason for handling things with the children the way he does. It might not be MY way but it works for him and I need to trust him. My children are happier too. Holy cow.
I ordered an ereader just for this new collection of books I will be starting that have been suggested so far. I'm so eager to read them!
melaisilme 10y ago
You nag him because things don't get done around the house? Huh?? He works all day and you're a stay at home mom, it's YOUR job to do those jobs around the house.
awschucks 10y ago
Should have clarified I meant things that need to be fixed. I'll whip out the tools if it's something I have the know how ( or strength ) to handle but sometimes that irks him a bit. Thinking about it, he might view it as a slight towards him. I'd probably feel the same way if I saw him doing the dishes ;)
Luke666808g 10y ago
I think it's a false choice that you either have to nag for what you want, or just hold your tongue and leave things as they are. What happened to old school feminine charm?
awschucks 10y ago
Your post has me wondering. I do not know that I have ever seen feminine charm. At least, not from the mother figures/wives in my life. Everything was framed in demands, ultimatums, and temper tantrums. Would have enjoyed having some good old feminine charm passed along ;) For now, I'll just keep reading and applying what I've learned.
StingrayVC 10y ago
Do you see the relation of how you behave and how you describe your husband and has it occurred to you that they are likely highly related?
awschucks 10y ago
Please explain. I'm very interested.
StingrayVC 10y ago
and
Please take all of this in the spirit it is offered. Harsh but true: Take a look at his complaints of you and then your description of him. He very likely won't take charge of the relationship because of your nagging because why would he take charge of anything if you're going to turn around and treat his decisions with such disdain? If you are nagging at all you are not easy going or holding your tongue.
Things likely don't get done around the house because, since you nag, he will catch flak for doing them or for not doing them, so what's the point? He's not interested in any of you because you are not interesting in him. This man works construction so you can stay home and care for your kids, but you don't take care of him. He's giving to you in what is presumably a tiring job and you are giving little to nothing back. Why wouldn't he distance himself from you?
Pay attention to what he does for you all everyday. You likely are noticing very little of it. Be grateful for what he does and get off of him about what he doesn't do. Instead, focus on what you can start doing for him because it's time for you to start doing for him. What you've written you want to start with are good things. But show him how grateful you are. Greet him at the door when he gets home with a genuine smile and a kiss. Make him his favorite meal and serve it to him happily. When he is sitting and relaxing after work, bring him a drink or a snack and do it happily. He gives you your life. What are you giving in return?
kamraym 10y ago
Im not sure what StingrayVC was pinpointing, but for me when I read
It made me a little sad inside, casting a shadow on the awesomeness that was to be the intended reception of your post. Using words like this not only highlight your inability to see him as a partner but also puts a lot of the blame on him in the situation. You are seeing the failing in the relationship as his inability to be a good husband and and to a more minor degree your need to be a "better wife": implying you are already a good wife to him, you just need tweaking. When in reality the failings are largely based on your unwillingness to be a supportive and thoughtful wife that drives your own unhappiness.
The language we use actually has a major part in how we view situations in life - especially the ones that carry stress and anxiety, which can be seen in your post. No one wants to be at fault for the issues they face - and that is the hardest thing to overcome. Your ability to notice there is a problem is Step 1. Now Step 2 is changing your mind (and language) and making changes in your life.
Edit: a word
awschucks 10y ago
Thank you so much. Even in typing that " he has potential", it felt f*cked up. As if I view him as an object. I didn't edit it out because it was a genuine thought and if that is what needs to change, I am thankful someone pointed it out. I've been selfish, thinking that this relationship should revolve around my happiness. I tell him often how handsome I think he is, point out when he is clever, or puts a great deal of effort into personal projects. He seems to think I am not sincere and it's a ploy to bolster his ego.
frozen_strawberry 10y ago
if someone constantly had a negative attitude towards you.. would you be motivated to do stuff for them and help them out or would you start ignoring them eventually?
and if someone was always positive towards you: would you feel better around them or worse? would you be more or less motivated to do the things they ask? would you be more or less likely to do things they havent even asked of you just because you know it will make them happier, taking some stress from them?
awschucks 10y ago
I think this is what has happened. He has accepted that I will just never be satisfied and thinks nothing will ever change. He has given up and just exists to go to work and come home. Feeling unappreciated. How can I fix this? Is doing the housework, leaving him alone to be himself, all things outlined in the sidebar, etc.. enough to convince him I respect him as a Man and his own person? Or, is this just me being controlling again, thinking that if I change myself our relationship would improve. Is this the hampstering I've been reading about.
StingrayVC 10y ago
This is controlling. You change yourself because he deserves a wife who respects and loves him. A nice side benefit is that the relationship will likely improve. If you go in trying to change him for the better, you have the wrong idea. You need to step back and get out of his way.
frozen_strawberry 10y ago
hamstering is when you rationalize something. as in you cheated and it just happened and it's really you husband's fault for not making you happy, etc etc.
there are two people in every relationship. show him you appreciate him. dont tell him about wanting to change. just do it. dont nag, dont ask him to do stuff, try to be his soft place to land. he'll notice, i promise. and he might not step up right away but more than likely he will pretty soon. there's a saying here (not sure if you have that in english) that it echoes out of the woods the way you yell in. meaning if you start to change for the positive things will turn around. maybe start by paying him compliments. tell him he's sexy and show it, too. and simultaneously just generally be more positive.
TempestTcup 10y ago
Exactly.
♀
FingerFuckinSally 10y ago
Let's start here: you were a single mom. To a man, single moms are a tier lower than sluts, especially divorced ones. You were damaged goods when he found you. Sluts may have fucked a bunch of guys before them, but at least she was smart enough not to have a kid. The fact that he entered a relationship with you full well knowing your child would always come before him says a hell of a lot about his character.
Here's what I got from your post:
Well, yeah, I do nag, but HE'S the problem. If he wasn't so lazy I wouldn't have to nag. Even though we decided to bring two children into this world, he isn't a good husband. He could be if he tried, but he's not. I'm sexy, he isn't.
The reason he probably doesn't take charge? You've spent the last 5 years never allowing him to, shaming him for his decisions, or bitching about the way he handled a problem because it wasn't YOUR WAY. He probably thinks, "why try at this point?"
It sounds like your first marriage didn't work and honey, you're the common denominator.
"I think I hold my tongue quite a bit and feel I'm easy going." Just by the tone of your post, I can tell you this isn't true and I can also tell that you have A LOT of work to do. Stop being his mom and start letting him be an adult. "So, I'll be doing all the housework with no complaints" You should have been doing this already considering he goes out and works and you stay at home all day.
Have you read everything in the sidebar? It's the first place to start.
awschucks 10y ago
Thank you! You are spot on. I've been reading everything I can and it still needs to be internalized. I'll continue to keep reading. These are some terrible behaviors I have and I need to change them immediately.
FingerFuckinSally 10y ago
I'm sure what I wrote seems harsh, but I think you have great potential in fixing your relationship! Keep working hard on it and prove to your husband that you can be a great wife.
It's like a telling a dog you love them. You can say "I love you" until you're blue in the face, but they won't know it until you rub their bellies.
Best of luck to you and your family.
awschucks 10y ago
Well, the harshness is why I posted here instead of r/relationships. Anytime I have tried to reach out for advice on what I'm doing wrong in my relationships, it has been the same response: He's just an asshole and I should leave because I deserve better. Didn't matter how I framed it or the circumstances, others were ready to tell me how it was ALL his fault. It drove me crazy because I wanted constructive criticism for my behavior, not someone to blame. I can't change him so saying it was all his fault no matter what made it seem hopeless.
MisterTrucker 10y ago
The advice here is much better than r/relationships. I would notice if my woman was genuinely trying to please me or if my happiness was important to her. Big points!
JohnWittle 10y ago
awschucks 10y ago
How'd you know I was an HP fan? Wonderfully relevant. Thank you.
JohnWittle 10y ago
Eh, recent update of the HP fanfiction "HPMoR". Ordinarily I wouldn't quote harry potter fanfiction, but it was just so relevant.
undead_keyboard 10y ago
I'm curious about these conflicting reports. Let's see if we can clarify. How many times per week on average do you not "hold your tongue" (i.e. nag him to do something)? Once or twice?
awschucks 10y ago
It seems silly now why I didn't grasp this before. How was he to know how many times I held my tongue or hadn't given my opinion when it really wasn't warranted? I acted like he should have at least given me credit and be thankful for all those times I could have but didn't say a word...even if I let one slip every now and then. Man, this shows me how critical I am and how negative I must really be if I considered only nagging a little a gift to him. Jeez.
undead_keyboard 10y ago
Those are all good points you made, but I'm still curious: How many times per week did you nag him?
awschucks 10y ago
I really am not sure because he considers nagging what I would have considered conversation. Talking about bills, things to be done around the house (idly talking about mine and mentioning things he could help with), the children...etc. Since becoming aware, I'm noticing I am not speaking quite as much because it would have come out as a directive to him. And, it really spans everything. Now that I am noticing and catching myself, I really have an opinion on everything he does. So, I could have been potentially nagging multiple times in an hour and not realizing. No wonder he's so uptight around me.
Aerobus 10y ago
The first step to improving is acknowledging that you have flaws. Don't place an ounce of blame on him, even if it may be appropriate. Instead, blame anything wrong with the relationship on yourself, and ask yourself how you can improve so that the situation doesn't repeat itself.
Eventually, you will become a better wife. At that point you can help your husband overcome his flaws.
scallopkid 10y ago
Exactly. Thinking about how he can fix his flaws at all is counterproductive to cultivating the mindset that leads to being a better partner herself.
katnip86 10y ago
I'm excited for you! I'm new-ish here as well (it's been a couple of months), but all the content I've encountered here has been thought-provoking and helpful.
I just want to recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. It covers almost all of the common marriage mistakes women make.
As to whether he can change without reading material of his own, you may be very surprised at how much of his unattractive behavior is due to lack of motivation to please you. When you start being a better partner, hopefully he'll notice and be inspired too.
awschucks 10y ago
I will add that to the list! Thank you! This forum is great and the RP community has given me a much needed wake up call. I spent so much time seeing myself as a victim but I grew very tired of others reaffirming the idea. It just didn't make sense. It can not be the world's fault ( or my husband's ) as to why I am the way I am and why I am not satisfied with my life. He supports this family with time he will never get back. Often in exchange for material possessions. It's just crazy.
FlowerAndWillowWorld 10y ago
It's funny how blue pill women want us all to be perpetual victims isn't it? If we're victims and it's always someone else's fault, then we can never do anything to change our situation in life.
The truth is they're too afraid to admit that truly empowering ourselves means facing our own flaws and actively changing.
[deleted] 10y ago
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awschucks 10y ago
I will and good luck to you. I'd enjoy hearing your experience as well!