Looking for advice about how to deal with feelings of bitterness, resentment, betrayal towards men. | RedPillWomen

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peachyandbeachy

Posted 7y ago in ADVICE - Permalink - Locked - 633 Views

I know I know I know I really need therapy for this. I like y’alls perspective on things though. Thanks for reading

Anyway, my child (who is male) and I were fortunate enough to escape an abusive marriage. I feel extra horrible about these feelings because my son is so sweet, kind and I love the way he approaches life in such a tactile way. Logically I am certain there are amazing men on this earth. My grandpa is a great example of a great man. What do I do when I get in these thought cycles that all men are violent, reckless and selfish? Also want to state that I am not dating and am not looking to date for a time length I feel is appropriate.

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NorthernOracle 7y ago

TRP seems to love using AWALT but what helped me see through that realize not AWALT and not AMALT is the simple fact that I have an amazing sister who married a rather average guy, had two beautiful kids and they seem to get along great 15 years later. There are good people out there, though they may be average / unremarkable and not likely to be using online dating.

I'm glad my sister was able to prove to me that not AWALT, hopefully you have some figures in your life (grandpa and more) who can help you there.

Once you get back to dating, the one good way not to get used by a man is to make him wait. You have no idea how attractive this is to hear from a woman. You can make it clear there is interest and you're not using him, but make him wait a few months or whatever timeframe you like, someone who is genuinely interested in you for more than sex will stick around, the users will move on.

19_LadyScarlet_90 7y ago

I think, personally, you need to keep your grandpa, and other good men that you've known in your life, close to your heart right now. Remember that there were, and are, good men like you grandfather, and remember that they in turn have raised good men or are becomming good men. You know your son is a sweet, kind-hearted boy with a good outlook on life- so too are other many little boys who will one day become men. If not for yourself, then love and appreciate men for the sake of your son. Never, ever let any resentment for men show in his presence. The last thing you want is for him to hate himself like so many little boys unfortunate enough to have femminist mothers.

During your break from the dating world, you should focus on 2 things- yourself as a woman and your son as a future man, not just as a little boy. Who are you, and what do you bring to a relationship? What kind of man do you want to eventually be with? Really get to know yourself as you are, figure out who you want to be, and become the woman that will attract the type of man you wish to be with. As for your son, he will need not only your guidance, but that of a trusted male role model as well- an uncle, cousin, pastor, youth leader, etc. See about getting your son involved in activities that cultivate a healthy, masculine personality while teaching him skills that are age appropriate.

Also, take some time for the two of you to have fun together. My mom always took us kids (2 girls, 1 boy) on lots of adventures (dad was a truck driver, so lots of times it was just her and us kids). Visit national and state parks, museums, take walks/bike rides together, etc. Sometimes just being out away from the daily grind clears the mind. Being in fun, low-stress situations will allow you to watch your son interact with the world around him, and should give you an appreciation for the way the male mind works. The little boys marveling at the bugs on the ground in the park sometimes grow up to rescue their wives from the rogue spider in the shower (shoutout to my hubby lol).

The very best of luck to you!

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

Typing this out made me feel a little better. Maybe I should just start journaling. Ha.

alexandria42o 7y ago

I also left an abusive marriage with 2 sons...

you heal yourself. therapy, self care, be kind to yourself...but heal you.

good luck! feel free to PM if you need anyone to talk to :)

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

This is much more helpful! I hope time will help :)

alexandria42o 7y ago

I put more time into me. Like work outs at home, styling my hair differently, dressing more fashionably, and getting my nails done. It helped me feel better about myself too.

I'm 2 years out, but was once where you are. I use to be bitter, but not at all anymore. You'll get there.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

Thanks I can’t imagine what life will be like in two years! That’s funny you say that because I feel like doing my make up is actually kinda therapeutic too. I can put a face on of who I’m striving to be and not be stuck in the past.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

Also.. do you have any tips on helping them grow up to be independent/successful/have healthy relationships?

alexandria42o 7y ago

My oldest (9) was in therapy too when we first left, my youngest is only 3. Now I just try to be supportive of their relationship with their father. It was rocky at first but now it's pretty consistent and so they are doing better.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

I’ll definitely encourage therapy when he gets older. His dad is completely MIA and lives in another state and that makes me sad to have to explain that to him. :/

Huffnagle 7y ago

Find a way to have healthy male role models in his life. Sports, martial arts, working on cars, Scouts, things like that. It’s a sad reality that pedophiles try to blend into those situations, so you do need to pay attention, but they’re not under every rock as our media would have you believe.

Boys need male role models badly. Women, despite good intentions, are not capable of giving boys what they need in this area.

And, for what it’s worth, most men aren’t abusive. Be sure to consider your role in choosing an abusive man. Your fault? Of course not! But if your internal chooser is broken, you’ll make bad choices.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

I worry about that so much. I want him to have some kind of mentor but gosh nothing is sacred. How do you even find let alone vet a guy who builds birdhouses? Especially with that Boy scouts scandal and he’s already in a vulnerable position. there are threats right under our noses. :(

I agree. My dad’s bio dad abandoned him and he did the same thing with our family. I feel like I’ve done a completed the job of eradicating the current bad role models but replacing them with good ones is a major challenge because I would say my chooser isn’t accurate. Where’s Laura Doyle’s book on this subject?!

Huffnagle 7y ago

There’s no guarantees, but... Google of course. Check out people he’s around. Watch them interact with kids, talk with your kid. Sports and Scouts are really good for boys. Scouts is big enough and conservative enough to have gotten worse press than it deserves. Do you have brothers? Close friends with husbands? Even one good coach can make a difference. Encourage him to sign up for any masculine activity that he has any interest in.

I’m a guy, other than pointing out that you may need to examine your “chooser”, I’m out of useful advice on that point.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

Right. I watch a lot of 20/20 and 48 hours so my spidey senses are pretty fine tuned. Yes sports! And maybe learning how to play a manly musical instrument like the drums. ;) I wasn’t really allowed to socialize for a while so I need to catch up on making friends but I have a college-age brother who overcame a lot from dealing with our dad so he knows what it’s like and is a good example.

19_LadyScarlet_90 7y ago

Musical instruments are fun! I played as a kid, but it's definately something they need to show interest in. Most kids I know who's parents forced them into playing an instrument really resented that and pushed it as far away from themselves as possible as adults. See what interests him, and try culitivating those interests if appropriate.

One thing I LOVE as an adult that I wish I'd done more as a teen/young adult is building stuff. I love messing with power tools. Maybe your son would enjoy building/tinkering? The male mind is wired to build, tinker with, and fix things. I am so jealous of how my husband can look at something like electrical wiring or a piece of machinery and figure out how it works by reverse engineering it. Me, I'd just throw up my hands at some of that stuff! What's great about hands-on activities is that there's something out there for every age level, and it's so much better for him than video games!

Huffnagle 7y ago

Remember, the news is really trying to scare people to get ratings. We (in the West) live in the safest time in human history. Don’t watch that shit unless you can keep perspective.

Drums are fine, though the artistic types are less likely to be the masculine guys he needs to be around.

Bottom line, encourage his interests. Insist he gets out of the house to interact with boys and men. Do all you can to get him to do manly hobbies. Drums are better than video games, hell... ballet is better than video games. Real life, the more the better.

Kara__El 7y ago

Form platonic friendships with men. Befriend couples at church or a coworker you'd never date. I formed strong platonic friendships with young men after my divorce, guys I'd never actually have dated for different reasons. There's no better way to see that good men exist, than to get to know them in an entirely unromantic way.

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pearlsandstilettos 7y ago

Please remember that men are supposed to be focusing their time on TRP before posting too much to RPW. Currently you have many more posts on RPW than on TRP. It is time to refocus your efforts to helping the men and yourself.

Kara__El 7y ago

I agree she shouldn't be dating for some time. Platonic relationships do exist though, and that's precisely why I suggested a couple friend or something similar, so there would be no confusion. I'd really hope my son could be friends with a woman, who just escaped an abusive marriage, without expecting to get laid for it. I'm so glad my guy friends from my early twenties, who saw me in absolutely no sexual light, were above that kind of thinking.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

I hadn’t thought of this and I kinda want to cry now. Now that I think about it I actually have some really nice men in my life. Even my dentist.

__Some_person__ 7y ago

My (very Christian) sister is like this too after a string of bad relationships. Funny thing, the people she admires the most are still men. Men like her pastor who she listens to every sunday, the famous motivational speaker Nik Vujicic, many male psychologists who influenced her field through history. Hell, even Jesus was a man, he couldn't die otherwise.

When I asked her how can she hate men and still have such admiration for these men, she was surprised of the examples of men I gave and said she doesn't really think of them as men.

It's a two-fold problem I see:

1) Some people just see men as "the default", so unless a man is doing something sexual like asking you out or sweaty wood chopping, they overlook his gender.

This takes on a whole new form if you're really pretty and have high standards, as most interactions with men you have will be someone you're not attracted to trying to talk to you and you being annoyed and trying to get out of it. It would just fuel your hatred.

The issue with this approach is you have all the normal men in the "the default" camp, and annoying possibly rude suitors in the "men" camp. Not (mentally) mushing those 2 camps together is a recipe for hatred.

2) "One of the good ones" syndrome. Originally popularized by people who hated black people, but accidentally formed a deep meaningful relationship with a black person they cherished. The only way to beat their inner cognitive dissonance was to define this person as "one of the good ones".

People love doing what they wanna do, and people hate changing. This allowed them to fulfill both of those.

peachyandbeachy 7y ago

You kinda just read my mind. That’s actually how I’ve felt about church leaders etc too and that they “don’t count”. Jesus makes a pretty good case for men!

That’s also really interesting about one of the good ones. I definitely hear myself having thoughts like that and now I’ll be able to realize it and switch the train of thought. Does that mean instead of thinking one of the good ones should I instead have a just one bad apple-type mentality?

__Some_person__ 7y ago

I'd just go with trying to realize that men are not more hurtful because they're men - but because people you're most intimate with have the ability to hurt you the most, and those people are "incidentally" men.

In other words it's not their maleness that makes them able to be giant dicks, but their proximity to you emotionally.