Hi ladies! I came across this page pretty recently, as part of trying to broaden my horizons as I return to a more traditional lifestyle after what I call my Wild and Free Phase, and it has been an absolute tonic. It is this phase I wanted to share with you guys, after having read a similar post by u/Ruinedgirl22, for whom I feel the deepest sympathy. I'm not sure if this is the kind of post that usually goes on this board, as you all seem much more about action than stories, but I thought I would share in the hopes that someone finds it useful or at least interesting. It's likely gonna be long though, so be warned haha!

My story starts a lot like the above: I met my first long-term bf as a virginal 14-year-old, we got together at 15, and stayed together until we were 21 (including through a year and a half of long distance as we went to different universities, and he went a year earlier than I did). He was also probably not "the best I could do" in terms of looks, but he was talented, intelligent, and certainly the alpha male of our social group, and I enjoyed plenty of perks for being the Wife of the Chief. We also got a lot of praise for the maturity of our relationship and how we always worked things out with little to no drama. Our relationship was not perfect, and looking back on it there was a lot I didn't see was wrong at the time (being a star-struck teenager in love), but he made me happy and for a while (as teenagers do) I thought we would stay together forever.

In the end, I started to feel stifled by the long distance and the things that weren't quite right between us, as well as getting bored and curious about what was out there. I will admit to being immersed (mostly by my own doing) in the mythical world of 3rd wave feminism for a couple of years leading up to the end, with very limited perspectives on life. In the real world almost everyone I was meeting at university was single, and due to social anxiety I was terrified that me being in a long-term LDR made me some kind of freak (spoiler: no-one really cared, but anxious brains will be anxious haha). So at first I tried to talk him into opening up our relationship, but he was very honest and firm with me that he couldn't do that. So I decided to leave and go on an adventure. I entered into it consciously, setting out a list of facts in my head to keep me safe, and I believe this is what saved my sanity.

  1. This was against my nature in a few ways, because I very much enoyed being loyal, but you can't find the limits of your nature without, well, finding them.
  2. I was going to get hurt. I was also going to have moments of exhiliration, fear, doubt, self-criticism. I welcomed all extremes of emotion because being human is about feeling things.
  3. I was going to make a lot fo stupid decisions, and in so doing learn a hell of a lot: about myself, other people, men, and the world we live in.
  4. This would be a phase. Though I didn't know where I would go when it ended, I knew this would be temporary.

In this phase all of the above proved to be true, time after time, and recently I'm proud to say that point 4 has come to fruition. I am not ashamed of this phase, and many people (including my pretty traditional father) have noted how good it has been for my personal development. In Nov 2018 it will be 2 years since leaving that LTR, and I have spent the time experimenting with my identity. I cut my hair short and dyed it blue for a bit, I tried tinder and open relationships, I raised my n pretty substantially, and all the while I did my best to remain in touch with myself and care for my mind and soul. I won't make this any longer by going into specifics, but feel free to ask if you'd like to know.

MASSIVE CAVEAT: This phase unsurprisingly coincided with having very thorough treatment for anxiety and depression, involving frequent sessions of 2 different kinds of therapy, and a course of medication. I personally could not have done it without all the support I was receiving at the time, so please be careful if this is something you're considering doing.

Weirdly enough, what hastened the end of W&F was meeting a man I will likely never have a relationship with. He's unapologetically traditional, a believer in evolutionary psychology, and probably the most intelligent person I've met in a very long time. This coincidence lead me to reflect on the phase as a whole, and what made me happiest, and I came to the conclusion that, even though my ex was not the man for me after all, I was happiest when I was in a devoted relationship with someone I considered my best friend and teammate. The man I met recently was the first person who encouraged me to think about it honestly, and gave me the space to realise that the trappings of femininity (devotion, giving, wanting to feel safe and protected) were not weakness.

So it is with great pride that I can say that I have been to the other side of the fence, and the grass ain't all it's cracked up to be, so I am hopping back over a wiser woman. I am deeply grateful that my experience has been a good one, and proud that I had the fortitude to make it positive (lord knows there were some low moments). Places like RPW are exactly what I need now, as I return to the task of finding someone to make my teammate for life, and being the best version of myself that I can be in order to do that. Another feature of my anxiety (which has come under control now) was that I gave up my biggest dream since childhood: becoming a mother. I want to make another post about this story in particular because I feel like it needs to be out there, and I also know this was a big motivating factor in me feeling able to move away from a traditional relationship system. The biggest blessing that I have received in the closure of this phase is reclaiming that dream. I can't wait to meet the future father of my children, and those children in turn. The future looks bright.

tl;dr - I left the 6-year relationship I started in my teens to see the world, learned a hell of a lot, and can safely say I preferred it the old way. Super thankful for places like RPW where I can feel safe to express this fairly rare sentiment. Feel free to AMA.