TRP.RED: Home | Blogs - Forums.RED: ALL | TheRedPill | RedPillWomen | AskTRP | thankTRP | OffTopic
Hot New Old TopControversial
Login or Register
21
- Hide Preview | 30 Comments | submitted 10 months ago by sodadrop [Post Locked]

I've seen these field reports on RPW before so I thought I'd try it out.


Getting Asked Out:

I've been working on putting myself out there and trying new things. I decided to attend a club meeting at my college. After the meeting, I said goodbye to everyone and went to leave. One of the guys joined me as I was leaving and initiated a conversation with me. We walked together and talked until we reached my dorm, at which point I said goodbye and went inside. It had been a reasonably pleasant conversation and as I walked up to my room I was kicking myself for forgetting to get the guy's name. However, just as I got to my room, I received a Facebook friend request from the guy, named "Guy". I waited a couple hours and then accepted the friend request.

Four days later, I woke up to a message from Guy asking what was up. Unsure of what he wanted, I responded vaguely and didn't ask him anything in return. However, he followed up with another question, so I responded with more enthusiasm. We began messaging back and forth, and this continued for a little over two weeks. At one point, I tried to give him an "out" in case he didn't want to keep messaging with me, so I responded with a conversation-ending answer to his question. In response to my non-response, he just asked a new question. As this progressed, it became clear to me that he was interested in me. However, we were messaging about mundane things and I was quickly getting bored of the mundane conversation and tired of waiting for him to ask me out, so my messages were becoming more and more infrequent. Finally, however, he asked me if I would like to dinner with him sometime. I agreed, and he suggested we go out on Friday at 5PM. I agreed. He asked what kind of food I liked to eat and he listed various options. I replied that my favourites were Chinese and Italian. He suggested an specific Chinese restaurant. I agreed. He asked me if I would like to drive with him to the restaurant. I, having no other means of transportation, agreed, and asked him where we should meet up. He suggested we meet at his dorm. I agreed. I felt that all was going very well in terms of him leading me and making decisions.

Preparing For Date:

On Thursday night, I set aside the evening to prepare for the date. I painted my nails, waxed, washed my hair early in the evening so that it would be dry enough to braid before bed. I spent the rest of the evening reading every post relevant to my situation in the RPW wiki, as well as mediating on the Bible.

On Friday morning, I picked out the dress I wanted to wear -- a simple, A-line dress that showed off my figure and made me feel feminine. I did my usual makeup routine (foundation, concealer, powder, blush, eyebrow gel, lipstick) but added in a few "special occasion" elements (primer, eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, highlighter). I felt that I looked my very prettiest, and as I walked around campus, I felt pretty and attractive and imagined that more people were looking at me than usual. However, I also felt that my outfit looked a bit too church-like and that I might look a tad overdressed / trying-too-hard for a casual dinner date, so I felt a bit insecure in my outfit for the date. As the day went on and as I prepared for the date, I became increasingly more nervous about the date. I think that all my preparations, which were supposed to make me feel more confident, ended up making me feel that the date was more important than it was and added more pressure to the date's success.

Actual Date:

At 5PM, I walked over to Guy's dorm. As I greeted him, my first thought was that he looked slightly disappointed with my appearance. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a nice jacket. He mumbled, then apologized and said something about how he was tired. He then led me to his car outside, which involved crossing the grass. As he led me to the grass, he looked at my 2-inch heeled ankle boots and asked me if I was okay walking across the grass (sidenote: which I totally was; these were my casual boots and I walk all over campus with them). This second look at my attire made me feel even more insecure about my outfit. We walked to his car and managed to get a pleasant conversation going. When we arrived at the restaurant, it was completely empty, which threw me. We sat down and continued our conversation as we looked at the menu. He leaned across the table to point at the menu and explain certain dishes to me, which I found very attractive. We each picked out a plate of dumplings, and he ordered for both of us, which I also found very attractive.

We talked about classes, friends, activities, vacations, families, etc. At times, the conversation died and we were only looking (at least in my case) awkwardly across the table at each other. During those awkward periods, I often looked over his shoulder at the couple who had just sat down behind him. Once, he noticed me looking in that direction and asked me if I knew the couple. However, we both tried to pick the conversation back up again, which we did. In an attempt to mitigate those awkward moments, however, I sometimes began blabbing about myself. I was trying to be submissive, but I also had a desire to be interesting and keep the conversation going. Mostly though, I tried to ask him more questions about himself. Yet, between me occasionally blabbing about myself and him asking me questions, I feel that the conversation mostly revolved around me and my interests.

We were sharing the dumplings, and eventually I was full, so I stopped eating. Eventually, as he kept eating, there were three dumplings left and he asked me if I was full, to which I said that I was. He said, "Ok, how about you eat one and I'll eat the other two." I found that very attractive as well. We finished our meal and the waitress brought him the check. He asked if I wanted him to pay for it or if I wanted to split it. I responded by asking him if he wanted to split it, to which he agreed. However, the waitress said that we could not split the bill. Guy then asked if I wanted to pay the bill or for him to pay the bill. I said he could pay the bill. After he paid, I offered him cash for half the bill since we had originally agreed to split the bill. He declined. We then left the restaurant and drove back to school. We again had a fairly pleasant conversation. I found it easier to talk in the car than in the restaurant. He drove me to my dorm. We sat in the car in front of my door for a few minutes as we finished up our conversation. As we talked, I made sure to turn and look at him. I then thanked him for inviting me out and said that I had had a nice time. I turned and looked at him a little longer, simultaneously hoping for and against a kiss. Then I picked up my purse, got out of the car, and said goodbye. He said something along the lines of "Bye, see you".

Conclusion:

All in all, it felt like a disappointing date. It was pleasant in the sense that he was the first man I've dated who I've found truly attractive, but disappointing in terms of the outcome. He was confident and relaxed throughout the date. I was occasionally visibly nervous and unconfident. In the end, I was disappointed in myself for babbling too much and being too unconfident while trying hard. I also felt overdressed, particularly in comparison with his attire and the "looks" I felt like he gave my outfit. We also had almost nothing in common.

tl;dr

A guy asked me out. I then had my first dinner date (ever) with him. It was also my first date with a guy who I found attractive. He was relaxed. I was unconfident. The date ended with no kiss and no plans for future dates.

Questions: What did I do wrong / right? What could I have done better? Did he seem like Captain material? What should I do from here?

Thanks for reading!!

[-] RubyWooToo 32 Points 10 months ago

“we also had almost nothing in common.”

Looks like you answered your own question.

[-] sodadrop 3 Points 10 months ago

Ahh you're right. I think I lost my perspective for a minute; I was disappointed because someone rejected me, but I guess what really matters is liking and being liked by the right guy, not by every guy.

[-] CalvinRichland 21 Points 10 months ago

I read this awkward guy goes on his first date. Sounds like it was fine but going no where.

[-] LadySylwia 15 Points 10 months ago

I'm not 100% schooled on all this RP stuff, but the way he approached you in the first place seems very indirect and casual. It doesn't sound like he wanted to put a lot of effort in. By contrast, the effort you put into your appearance for the date signaled to him that you have high expectations for a potential partner. He probably just doesn't want to play the role.

[-] [deleted] 8 Points 10 months ago

That's the impression I got too. Maybe I'm a bit judgemental, but I cringed when he offered to let you pay for the whole thing. Splitting might be okay. Him dressing casual wasn't great either. You want someone who wants to impress you! He's probably a nice guy, but you can do better.

[-] sodadrop 1 Point 10 months ago

I guess I got excited because compared to the guys I'd gone out with before discovering RPW, he seemed to be leagues closer to Captain material. But I still have tons to learn about RPW and what makes a good Captain. The journey continues :)

[-] bunniebell 11 Points 10 months ago

Red pill women educate themselves about social events. They know most everything about every social situation they encounter...how to speak, what to wear, body language, etc.

The first problem with the date itself was knowing where it was taking place. You knew he was taking you to a specific Chinese place. Look it up online! That way you know casual or dressy.

[-] sodadrop 3 Points 10 months ago

Very true. I did look up pictures of the restaurant beforehand (I even picked out what I was going to order lol) and the dress seemed perfectly acceptable, though slightly on the dressier side. My dilemma arose because I like wearing dresses and I wanted to look as pretty as possible (achievable with the dress) but I also didn't want him to think that I was trying too hard. I would've felt very comfortable in the same outfit if I had been going to that restaurant with friends, but I guess I mainly just felt uncomfortable because he was dressed more casually than me and I felt like he was judging me for trying too hard. Of course, that perception could've easily just been me overthinking things and being insecure. I guess it was also just kind of a hit or miss situation because he could've been one of those guys who likes girls in dresses or guy who wanted to appear very relaxed.

[-] bunniebell 1 Point 10 months ago

What a great introspective post...it does sound like you did what you could. Next gentleman will be better!

[-] FleetingWish 5 Points 10 months ago

It's great that you wrote this up here because unsuccessful field reports can be even more helpful as successful ones. They help you learn.

In your introduction, twice you mention pulling away because you wanted more effort from him.

At one point, I tried to give him an "out" in case he didn't want to keep messaging with me, so I responded with a conversation-ending answer to his question.

You do not need to do this. If he doesn't want to talk to you... He'll just stop talking to you. He'll make an excuse himself. You don't need to make one for him.

In addition this is actually a bad idea. You could put him off by showing lack of interest. It worked out in this case, but it's something you should avoid in the future.

I was quickly getting bored of the mundane conversation and tired of waiting for him to ask me out, so my messages were becoming more and more infrequent.

Here you pull away. You got lucky that he asked you out (probably because he didn't notice you pulling away), but it's not a good technique in general. I think you were probably pulling away because you were actually losing interest, rather than trying to gain his. But you weren't putting any effort into changing the conversation into "not mundane" either. That may have been a better way to approach it.

I also felt that my outfit looked a bit too church-like and that I might look a tad overdressed / trying-too-hard for a casual dinner date, so I felt a bit insecure in my outfit for the date.

Many girls approach these sorts of situations wrong. You don't have to "own it", "walk with confidence" or "pretend it doesn't bother you". Instead it's way better to wear your heart on your sleeve.

First dates are usually tense and awkward, and a great way to diffuse that is to openly acknowledge it. In addition, the "problem" with over-dressing is that it can come off as socially pretentious. If you say to him "oh, I feel like I over-dressed. I'm a little embarrassed," it takes a lot of the tension off. Take the opportunity to laugh at yourself.

Remember he's feeling tense and awkward too. While you are worried that you over-dressed, he may be afraid that he under-dressed in comparison to you. Just acknowledge and laugh about it. It will give you both the opportunity to drop the first date expectations and just relax.

Once, he noticed me looking in that direction and asked me if I knew the couple.

Here's again where you could have owned what you were doing. "Sometimes I like to watch people and imagine what their lives are like." Instead of saying "Oh no" and trying to force yourself to awkwardly stare somewhere else.

I sometimes began blabbing about myself.

Instead try asking about him. Or if you have a tendency to talk about yourself learn how to turn that same line of topic towards him. "I'm like this, what about you?" When he answers, find something in his answer to get him to expand on. "Oh you were born somewhere else? How long did you live there? What what was it like? How did you end up here?" Whatever seeds he gives you, see if you can find something to expand on with them.

I was trying to be submissive, but I also had a desire to be interesting and keep the conversation going.

That's not what submissive means. You can talk. But the problem is you don't have to be interesting, he does. Because you lead the conversation to topics about you, it ended with you feeling sort of not enamored with him. He felt uninteresting to you because neither of you were talking about him. He has to be interesting, or else you lose interest. As you demonstrated.

I tried to ask him more questions about himself.

But you failed to talk to him about anything that he was interested in. You didn't find out what he was passionate about so the conversation stayed in "small talk" mode the whole awkward evening.

He asked if I wanted him to pay for it or if I wanted to split it. I responded by asking him if he wanted to split it, to which he agreed.

Yellow flag that he asked you, but good on you for letting him decide.

He asked if I wanted to pay the bill or for him to pay the bill. I said he could pay the bill.

Yellow flag again. But this time you make the decision. Why? Don't do that. You also choose the choice that involves him paying. If you are going to choose, at least choose you instead.

I offered him cash for half the bill since we had originally agreed to split the bill. He declined.

Well, you already made your bed. You can't fix your mistake that easily. Let me give you a hint. He's asking you who should pay because he doesn't want to pay. If he wanted to pay, there is no reason for him to get your opinion.

He's failing here because he is not boldly admitting what he wants, but you're also failing because you are not reading between the lines.

He's mad because you didn't see what was going on with him, which makes you a poor relationship prospect. He's probably not going to ask you on a second date. Sorry.

All in all, it may not have been a great date, but it was a good learning experience.

[-] moonchildcountrygirl 4 Points 10 months ago

On a first date as much as its tempting to fill the convo gaps and be interesting / entertaining... DONT. Super guilty of this as well, one of my points of pride is being able to turn on being witty + charming, but easing off helps you access your intuition and feel out whether YOU like HIM in the first place, and shift the responsibility to him to show you a nice time. You’re the prize! You dolled your self up, meditated, put in lots of effort and sound like a catch compared to the average college girl, part of being submissive is allowing that chase.

Have you read the surrendered single? I have access to it free through an ebook program at my library, you can PM me and I’ll send you my login info for it, lots of info like this that is really helpful

[-] party_dragon 3 Points 10 months ago

You’re the prize!

Haha that’s exactly what TRP preaches, to men! I cannot but imagine that two prizes sitting down for dinner would turn out to be pretty boring... Interesting enough, the highest level/SMV/RMV people I know are almost always more humble than “I’m the prize”, it’s what makes them pleasant!

[-] moonchildcountrygirl 2 Points 10 months ago

I think in a broader sense love is each person seeing the other as a treasure and taking care to treat them as such. If either was on a pedestal there would be a significant imbalance. Women (RP anyway) dont even want to be put in that position. But in dating, at least the old fashioned sense, there was an element of being chased that appeals to RP women for pretty basic biological reasons..... TRP are essentially PUA trying to spin plates, RPW doesnt necessarily want those guys, but the ones who are of a high RMV who are looking for a LTR

[-] [deleted] 10 months ago
[-] sodadrop 1 Point 10 months ago

Yes! I borrowed The Surrendered Single from my library and I've been reading it these past few weeks. I loove it and I'm really trying to apply the advice to my life. However, it was one thing for me to read the bits about being quiet and using the date to evaluate him and think "Oh, I can do that!", and another to actually try to implement that on a date when all I wanted to do was impress him lol. I was trying so hard not to run my mouth, but it looks like I need some more practice :) Thanks so much for offering access to the book, that's so sweet!

[-] HB3234 1 Point 10 months ago

I would love to read it, if you're comfortable sharing !

[-] LuckyLittleStar 3 Points 10 months ago

A couple things:

  1. Break up the first paragraph. It's way too long.

  2. If this is his real name, I would suggest changing it on the off chance he finds this.
[-] ManguZa 2 Points 10 months ago

Sound like you're both young. Nothing wrong with that of course but it means that it's normal to be unconfident for you, and to not lead aggresively for him. You're still figuring how all of this stuff work.

[-] sodadrop 1 Point 10 months ago

Yes, we're both 20. It was my first dinner date so I wasn't expecting perfection, but there's this part of me that still wants to be liked by absolutely everyone and for everything to always work out. Reading through the comments here has definitely helped me get a better perspective on that

[-] ManguZa 1 Point 10 months ago

If you try too hard it can be perceived as dependant and desesperate. Be fantastic because you are always fantastic, not because you want to be liked.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 10 months ago

[deleted]

[-] ExceptionalSea 1 Point 10 months ago

I thought this was the best answer! Agreed.

[-] merel-- 2 Points 10 months ago

It wasn't a match, move on to the next dude. There are plenty of them. Also if you already are uncomfortable with what you were wearing people will pick up on that, if you felt comfortable wearing a pretty dress he wouldn't even notice that you were a bit over dressed.

[-] 3rd_viewpoint 1 Point 10 months ago

He asked if I wanted him to pay for it or if I wanted to split it. I responded by asking him if he wanted to split it, to which he agreed.

Some dating advice from women says that the guy should fit the bill. The other advice from women says that they get offended by the sexism of the guy assuming that she cannot afford the bill . There is just no way to win, this may be a reason his hesitation. :(

I turned and looked at him a little longer, simultaneously hoping for and against a kiss.

Could you share why you were "simultaneously hoping for and against a kiss"?

[-] [deleted] 1 Point 10 months ago

Not all dates work out, this one might have just been a test for you, and it sounds like you learned a lot. I don't think you really messed up in any notable way here. You made an effort but missed the mark, and honestly I don't think you are missing out on anything with this guy. He missed the mark too.

Figure out your style, and try to buy some flexible pieces-- things you could wear or match a few different ways based on occasion. Or a few pieces that are a little ambiguous. Nice pants and a blouse with a heeled shoe is my go to for times like that. Sometimes even the right outerwear can dress up (or down) your outfit. You have lots of time to find out what your brand of sexy/pretty looks like.

I thought the way he did the bill was weird. I don't think it's wrong to split the bill but...he could have been smoother? If he asked you out on the date, he shouldn't expect you to pay the entire bill. He should have been ready to swoop in and pay it, or ask you to split it without hesitating. This is the kind of thing I look out for on a date, because he was wishy washy and made the situation needlessly uncomfortable. That's lack of tact, and stinginess in my opinion. I think it's also a bit odd if he is physically showing that he is disappointed in the way you're dressed. You weren't dressed wildly inappropriately. He just sounds...young, unsophisticated, still learning. I think he had good intentions, but I could think of a couple pointers for him too.

You'll find that these kind of dates happen a lot, and the important thing is to learn from them. Not only are you polishing up you game, but you're learning to identify behaviors in men. This guy wasn't showing you the level of interest you are really wanting. He did things that quietly bothered you and was a little socially ignorant. Even if he had kissed you, would you have really good about it after? The next time you go out with somebody, you're going to have an easier time because of this.

[-] [deleted] 10 months ago
[-] VisitingfromJapan 1 Point 10 months ago

You don't say how often you smiled at him. You don't tell us how you react to 'finding him attractive' when he ddoes those things. Do you smile and wink? Do you thank him while lightly touching his wrist? I want to know more of your actions not just your thoughts. Nobody can see your thoughts, but they can see your actions. I can't tell if you were just staring blankly at him the whole time or if you giggled at his jokes.

[-] RFishy -2 Point 10 months ago

Men are visual. Maybe he didn’t like what he saw and your intuition was right? What is your dress size? If you are regular weight, I would say don’t sweat it! Sometimes it’s just not the perfect type/match! He also just might be a jerk.

Also don’t try and be too submissive in conversation if that’s not your character. There are many other ways to let him lead.

[-] sodadrop 1 Point 10 months ago

Maybe, but he introduced himself to me in person so I'm not sure why he would be okay with what I looked like then but change his mind two weeks later. Either way, I'm ~ regular weight. I don't think anyone would describe me as chubby, but they wouldn't describe me as stick-thin either.

I think you're right about it just not being a match. I still have a lot to learn about RPW, including the leading methods, as you mentioned.

[-] DelicateDevelopment 1 Point 10 months ago

Already from the way you described your chat conversation he doesn't sound like someone who is overly confident and secure himself. So it might well be that he felt too casual. Just try to remember that most likely he also feels insecure. So what might have felt judging to you in the way he looked at you might also be insecurity. On never knows.

Men are visual, but usually they don't care too much about the particular style. One tip is that you rather complement the style that you had when you were meeting someone the first time. That way he won't meet a completely different person the second time you meet. This will also make you feel confident, since you know that that way you don't have to ask yourself whether you will meet his expectations. He already has approved of the way you look when he asked you out. So don't show up looking like someone else on the first date.

Another tip is that since you have tried to let him lead you might as well also have seemed a bit too distant. Letting someone lead doesn't necessarily mean that he has to do all the work and everything, it can also include suggestions (inspirations!) but letting him make the final decision on it. If you are too passive in the conversation, don't show emotions, don't "inspire", then the whole appearance might rather seem insecure and passive or "demanding" in terms of expecting him to entertain you, instead of feminine and submissive. You don't let a guy lead in all circumstances who hasn't proven yet that he deserves it. If you do that it means that you deflect "low value" signals. Submission only feels good to men if they feel that they have earned it.