In what ways did you manage to improve your marriage or relationship by being more submissive and more feminine? When did you begin to notice a change and how did you work on yourself? Do you talk about such things with your husband or do you try to be subtle about it, by just changing your behavior?
I know this sounds like an obvious question but it's reassuring for me to know this behavior pays off and makes sense, so examples from your own relationship are welcome :)
It's also nice to know I'm not alone when facing criticism for my lifestyle. I wanted to post this in AskWomen too but I know they will not take me seriously this time either. Thank you!
[deleted] 5y ago
Absolutely! Unfortunately my last relationship still ended because my RP behavior was too little too late, but when I did act in a submissive, feminine, and above all, RESPECTFUL way, the difference in response I got was astonishing from when I acted like a nagging shrew who always had to upstage him.
[deleted] 5y ago
Any books that helped?
[deleted] 5y ago
Fascinating Womanhood revolutionized my life. More specifically Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood, which I actually liked better than the original. I wish I had discovered it years sooner.
LaneysWorld2 5y ago
Did you have a certain mindset or way to make sure you swallow your pride and be more respectful before starting to talk?
Sometimes I open my mouth and start talking too soon without thinking about the tone, I can see it upsets him and I want to improve.
ventuspilot 5y ago
Why do you think you have to swallow your pride in order to be more respectful? Being respectful to another person should not bring you down in any way unless they don't deserve that kind of respect.
[deleted] 5y ago
Hmm. I’d say my biggest issue has always been wanting to fix things. I guess I think like a guy on that lol. Because when someone mentions a problem I tend to leap to solving it. And so realizing that most of the time, men don’t WANT you to solve their problems, was helpful for me. I’ve learned to never say “you should” I try to avoid making suggestions 80 percent of the time because I make them way too often but if I do have a suggestion, I say “have you thought about” because that’s acknowledging that maybe he has already considered your solution and decided against it for whatever reason, instead of “you should” which assumes he’s too dumb to know for himself.
19_LadyScarlet_90 5y ago
Stealing the "have you thought about" approach, because I'm a "fixer" sometimes &this sounds like it'll really help me!
[deleted] 5y ago
It made such a difference!!
19_LadyScarlet_90 5y ago
I'm not sure if me saying "you should" has had a negative effect on my husband; he hasn't indicated as much. I definitely defer to his judgement much more now, but I really feel like saying it this way will really help me to "check myself" in conversation!
morganKxoxo 5y ago
Definitely, although I translate ‘submissive’ into wanting to serve my husband and put him first. In turn it makes him want to serve me and we have a win win situation where we are both looking out for each other and practicing being less selfish for the sake of the other person.
okayestwifey 5y ago
Yes absolutely! I attribute this partly to being naturally kind of a bulldozer, and my husband is pretty mellow. So basically when we didn't do this "submissive wife" stuff, I made all the decisions, was the only proactive one in the relationship, and we resented the hell out of each other. I'm still not a doormat, but now it's a matter of gently and respectfully offering input, rather than just leading our lives and then being pissed at the burden of it.
W0zzynix 5y ago
Yes, my first marriage was a complete and utter failure. So, the second time around (2nd marriage) I decided to use rpw practices from the very beginning. This is the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I owe you ladies a great deal of thanks.
preworkoutandsteak 5y ago
Absolutely. We are a partnership, two halves of a whole, but with two different roles. We are equal in our worth.
I read Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl and it really chastised me in a way that was uncomfortable, but it was true.
Her husband wrote a book called Created to Need a Help Meet for the man, and it equally chastises them in a very man-to-man way.
Unfortunately, I let a feminist ex friend borrow it and she burned it.
Xtinamina 5y ago
Hahahaa! I'm sorry... That was just too funny. I'll purchase one in her honor.
subgirl182 5y ago
That made me laugh too lol
lavidaredpill 5y ago
My husband and I are both very opinionated but he has a tendency to ask my opinion and then tell me that I’m wrong. I used to lose my Schmidt and whine about it but now I just turn the question back around to him so he has to make the first decision and then I can kind of “refine” it by saying that” I like it but what if we tried this? “
Also, I had a very bad habit of getting snippy when he asked me to add a task to my todo list that would torpedo the plan I had for the day. I’ve adjusted my approach to these request in such a way that I make him in charge of prioritizing what I need to do. Sometimes, I will have to adjust my day to accommodate but a lot of the time he listens to what I have planned and rescinds his requests because he’s cognizant of the priorities I have set for the day.
Bottom line, I’ve learned that it’s so much easier and less time consuming to communicate rather than argue.
Pixie0310 5y ago
In what ways did you manage to improve your marriage or relationship by being more submissive and more feminine?
We used to argue so much more. I was a very defensive person, but not particularly aggressive. He's very masculine / alpha and can come across slightly brash or harsh, even when he sometimes doesn't mean to. My tendency was to be very reactionary. I would get so defensive, paranoid, shrill, "how dare you accuse me of..." and "I can't believe you would say..." By learning to react less, stay calm, not jump to conclusions, and JUST STFU SOMETIMES (so hard for me), I would say our arguments have decreased to nearly none. When I start to see red over something he says / does, I force myself calm, quiet, and try to approach his words with less violent reactions. Stopping the reflexive, overemotional reactions has changed everything.
When did you begin to notice a change and how did you work on yourself?
The change came within a month or so of getting serious about RP. There were some residual effects of my old behaviour for sure. He would react to my negativity BEFORE I was even negative, which was frustrating, but I had trained him effectively to assume the worst and behave accordingly. He was too used to me complaining, reacting with panic and drama, or trying to "subtly" (and sometimes not-so-subtly) manipulate him into seeing and doing things MY way. So it took awhile for him to catch up and notice that I had stopped doing those things. I worked on myself by reading self-help relationship books (mainly on effective communication), also reading The Surrendered Wife, hovering around this reddit, and picking female role models / icons whose grace and calmness I could easily mentally access and imitate when I felt most tempted to lose my cool.
Do you talk about such things with your husband or do you try to be subtle about it, by just changing your behavior?
He knows a little about RP and that I read / post here. He agrees with the general philosophy and theory. But beyond that, we don't discuss it much. He was RP before he knew what RP was, lol. In the earlier days - especially when I was struggling to change or when he'd react in advance to something I hadn't done yet - I would tell him that I am really trying to change and become a better partner to him, and I would ask for his patience or faith. But that was only a few times - with him, as with most men (I feel): show, don't tell.
dottywine 5y ago
I found that if the thought of being submissive turns you off, he’s not the one for you.
Being more submissive is something my partner secretly loves but he insists that I don’t need to do it.
I wouldn’t say it dramatically improves our relationship but it does make it more fun and makes me feel less stressed.
loneliness-inc 5y ago
IMO, submission isn't key. Receptivity is!