Hi guys, so as the post says I am 22 yo and have never had a boyfriend. I've read through this thread a bit, and would love y'all's advice.
I really don't know what exactly it is, I do think I'm fairly attractive - not the most beautiful or most fit person in the world, but I take care of myself, have a great group of friends, am very well educated (in a grad program) and this is the missing piece of my life that I can't seem to figure out.
I've been on dates that just haven't really gone anywhere. For the most part its been app dates with me cutting it off after a couple dates for various reason: guy too immature, guy too clingy, etc. The few guys that I've been really into (not from apps) haven't worked out either, just speaking recently - one wasn't interested in me and the other wasn't interest in a relationship.
Am I being too picky? I know deep down that if I really really wanted it, it would happen with a random dude, but why is it I can't get someone I want? It just seems like everybody around me does not have an issue with this and even though I hide it, it really, really hurts me.
CalvinRichland 7y ago
Men dont care if you are rich, smart, fun, pretty, if you are fat. The entirety of your issue is weight. A perfectly put together fat girl will never do as well as a fit girl in yoga pants no matter her hair, nails or makeup.
Lose weight and it will be like magic. As weight is mostly diet dont give us bs about no time to workout just stop eating garbage.
aussiedollface 7y ago
Hi OP! I went to medical school and I know it can be really stressful and often your health and fitness suffers. I do think this is something you should focus on though. Could you even make just little changes to your lifestyle? Like walking to uni everyday? Have you tried skipping omg it burns so many calories and you can easily just do it at home. Just take a bit of time to work on yourself, and then see what kind of men you can attract. Female medicos often marry other doctors, so you’re in a good place to meet high quality intellectual men. However as other posters say, men really do care about looks and personality more so than education level. My husband (attorney) respects that I’m a doctor but I don’t think it increases his attraction to me or anything xo
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
You actually explain very little, so let's try to figure out a little more about you first.
Are you overweight? If the answer is yes then this alone would probably be the entire reason for your frustration.
Men don't care about this. You could be a retail associate if you're beautiful and land a guy in med school. The only thing being well educated does in the eyes of men is put you in closer proximity to other well educated men. If a man is successful or on a path to be successful, then it doesn't really matter how much the woman makes. And men don't care about education outside of how much money that education get them.
Explain to me what both too immature and too clingy mean.
A man that goes on a date with a woman and "Isn't interested in a relationship", is not truly interested in being single. If he wanted to be single he wouldn't be dating. He dated you in hopes you'd have sex with him without anything else. Usually this means he is out of your league, and it sounds like the same issue with the other guy.
What does someone that you want look like? How do you compare to that person?
You need to stop thinking about dating as an equal thing between men and women. You seem to think that "Oh I want someone who is intellectual, so men must want someone who is intellectual as well" because That's not how it works. Look at what men want, and think about how well you fit into that. Are you slim/fit? Do you dress well? Are you feminine?
If you can't check the boxes that high value men pursue better than other women, your education does not make up for your lack of appeal otherwise.
810809 7y ago
This has probably already been mentioned but I see you're "suffering" from the classic - "If they want a relationship they're too needy/clingy and if they don't they only want sex" conundrum.
All I can recommend is maybe you work a little bit on yourself and especially when it comes to how you view men and your expectations.
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medtinder 7y ago
:(
pearlsandstilettos 7y ago
Hit the report button if you encounter a troll like this. Some children think that being honest means they can be assholes. This particular one has been banned.
Thefirstofmykind 7y ago
Cardio, healthy eating, and some weights. You’ll be just fine.
SorcererKing 7y ago
Your hypergamy is showing.
You think you're a great catch because you're in a grad program. Most man don't care about that at all. A fat, ugly chick with a grad degree is just -- a fat, ugly chick.
In the dating market you are a commodity. Market to your clients, not yourself.
xelaandra23 7y ago
This comment is silly. Educated women are often attracted to men at least as educated as them.
Women tend to have preferences for men they can best relate to and carry on an intellectual conversation with, believe it or not.
SorcererKing 7y ago
I think you misunderstand.
She may well be attracted to educated men, but most men won't give a damn which diplomas she's stacking. If she wants to attract men she needs to show them what they value in her, not what she thinks they should value in her.
xelaandra23 7y ago
I don’t see how that relates to her comment about only liking educated men. Also, many educated men don’t possess other qualities that women would find attractive, so I wouldn’t say they’re objectively better catches than less educated men. I personally love smart, educated, and ambitious guys, so it’s a huge plus for me if he’s educated, but it’s not to all women.
SorcererKing 7y ago
Ok, the issue in the post was that she is mysteriously un-attracted to men who aren't educated, but the men she does like ("educated" guys) don't seem to be responding to her how she'd hope. If you look at the two lines of hers I quote, they are telling.
That's her rejecting guys who aren't as educated as she is (the very definition of hypergamy).
This is her saying, "Look, I'm a catch because I'm in a grad program! These guys I like (the educated ones) should like that about me because I like that about me and I like that about them. She is not asking herself "what do guys actually want in a woman," but rather, "why don't guys like me for why I like me?"
xelaandra23 7y ago
I think you’re making some assumptions, but I’ll leave it. On another note, honestly, educated men do usually prefer educated women if for no other reason than their families strongly encourage it. I know TRP says the opposite, but that hasn’t been my finding.
Not_Another_Inch 7y ago
Studies show that "educated" men do show a preference for women with some college education, going up to a bachelors degree, beyond which it is a negative not a positive. Though I personally think this has more to do with the attitude of some of these highly "educated" women (pushy, abrasive, too passionately opinionated on literally everything, just not very feminine, etc.) than it does to do with the education itself.
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frenchfriedclide 7y ago
part of it might be the grad school, that signals to me that a woman doesn't want to raise kids or start a large family which is a dealbreaker for me
if she's after a career she doesn't have time for me
medtinder 7y ago
Well the hopefully the weight part will help me then because I’m not about to drop everything I’ve worked so hard for. Personally I’ve seen plenty of women do both and keep their priorities in line. It’s not like I’m trying to become a world renowned surgeon or anything.
Callix 7y ago
If it’s any help OP, I’m also in medical school and managed to snag our valedictorian, (been going on 8 months now). He was engaged prior to me and she left because of the long distance.... and he’s THRILLED that unlike her I actually understand what he’s saying in regards to his life passion. Maybe wouldn’t work for the average student? But for the super nerds, your brain is attractive.
Med students don’t want kids right away anyway- they have hundreds of thousands of dollars of loans to pay off first. So you wanting to have a career shouldn’t be off-putting.
[deleted] 7y ago
When you say you've never had a boyfriend does that imply you're a virgin
medtinder 7y ago
Yep, not what I am worried about in the least.
xelaandra23 7y ago
Hi, thanks for sharing. Since you're 22, are you also primarily dating guys in their early 20s? If so, I'd be willing to bet that's the issue. Most guys under 26 really aren't looking for anything serious these days.
Also, I'm personally pretty pessimistic about dating apps, but I know they work for some.
I'd suggest you seek out guys in the 26-29 age range as they are older, but not too much older. 5-6 years' age difference is perfectly fine, and it worked out for friends of mine who met their husbands at your age.
DeIphinium 7y ago
Yaa dating apps suckk
girlwithabike 7y ago
Your post is a big too vague to really help you work though this in earnest. So here are a couple questions for you:
You say you are not the most beautiful person...do you care for yourself? Hair, make up, dress well?
Likewise "not the most fit person" what is your height/weight or BMI.
How long are these "relationships" lasting? How long before you decide you aren't interested? A little more detail on what turned you off to these guys would be helpful. The guy who wasn't interested in you, did he give you reasons?
What is a "random dude"? Every man is random until you know him. I'd be curious for you to elaborate on who you are looking to date and where you find them...ie: what makes someone not random?
medtinder 7y ago
Thank you so much for replying.
In regards to hair, makeup, nail - yes to them all! I try to look put together every day before I leave the house.
I'm 5'7 and 165 lbs.
I haven't had any relationships. I pretty much become disinterested after 2-3 dates max. I have been turned off by their lack of education, demeanor (lots of cursing sort of thing). The guy who wasn't interested said he valued our friendship more, not sure how to take that.
I guess by random dude I just meant a guy who isn't particularly successful or interesting or that I am attracted to.
I am in medical school on the west coast.
UnbreakableFrame 7y ago
The blunt truth is that you are overweight and most guys don't care about your education. I also have a sneaking suspicion that you know this to be the case and you put on an arrogant front, pretend that you think men should value your education more, and then belittle them based on their educational level (which you see as inferior to your own). You are avoiding dealing with your insecurities by convincing yourself that they are not the things that your Sexual Market Value (SMV) is based upon. By erroneously imposing your own view on what SMV should be based upon, you remain in the proverbial dark in regards to why you can't actually find a man of hypothetically equal quality to yourself. You are likely finding plenty of men who are exactly your SMV equal -- as men rarely approach women significantly more attractive than themselves.
You said that you are in school. As a social experiment to help you swallow The Red Pill, look at the hottest guy in one of your classes. Next, look at all the women in the classroom and see if any of them are looking at him. The hottest woman that you catch looking at him is the benchmark for what you will have to look like to capture his attention and his consideration for an LTR.
The truth hurts for all of us, but it's better to swim towards the sun through the clear blue waters of the truth than to drown in the murky depths of falsehood.
medtinder 7y ago
You really hit the nail on the head. I decided to lose weight after reading everyone’s responses, and even though I’ve been so hurt it was necessary and I’m glad I made this post. Just hoping it isn’t too late for me but 22 is still young I guess. Maybe I’ll report back with if my situation changes in the future. Thanks everyone, and honestly a special thanks to those who were a bit harsher, I needed the wake up call. :(
coojw 7y ago
pay attention to lowering your overall sugar and carbohydrate intake in your weightloss efforts to make meaningful weightloss gains!
UnbreakableFrame 7y ago
It's not even close to too late for you. You will be fine. 22 is plenty young. If you dedicate yourself you can be in good shape in just a few months. Remember, it's not actually about weight specifically (don't take what we've said here and develop an eating disorder). It's about utilizing the frame that you were given at birth to the best of your ability. Bring yourself to 18-20% body fat and actually lift weights. The goal is to look, and actually be, extremely healthy. That's what people find attractive.
Whisper 7y ago
The quality of the man you can get a date with is a real-world measurement of how attractive you are overall.
The reason you find these men unattractive is that you think you are more attractive than they are.
The reason you are on dates with them is that you are not.
Either become more attractive, or lower your standards.
[deleted] 7y ago
Geez, y’all are so kind over here! I won’t give tough love, but boy does she need it!
/u/medtinder listen very very closely to this comment.
You have a drastically over inflated SMV. Do not judge your SMV by who has climbed into bed with you. A 10 guy will sleep with a 3 if no one finds out. Just because you’ve slept with a 10 (or 9/8/whatever) doesn’t mean you might not be a 3. This is red pill 101. Women are the gatekeepers of sex.
I think you need some much tougher love, but will refrain because the comment above says the same thing... just nicer. Seriously pay attention to this comment. It tells you all you need to know.
Good luck on improving yourself! It’s a long journey, but stick with it.
What I can add is this though:
Go into the journey with the right expectations: it may take you 8 months to lose all that weight. Have good discipline. One bad day can set you back 3 days on a cut.
pame12 7y ago
That's close to 26BMI(overweight), could try to lower that to a nice solid 20.
Chelseaqix 7y ago
This would honestly resolve all of your problems.
Download “MyFitnessPal” and just start logging every meal. You’re probably going out with friends and consuming way more calories than you’re realizing. If you drop down some weight in 6-8 months you’ll have quality men who are meeting your standards coming after you.
If this is too much work though I would imagine you’ll need to adjust your standards to something more realistic.
You’re in medical school... you’re likely smart enough to understand how vain this world is. At 22 you have plenty of time to turn this around and get fit and spend the majority of your life this way. Ideally. All of it. I’m also 5’7 and I think I’d freak out if my weight got that high.
KateCoger 7y ago
Work on yourself! Med school can be taxing, but you should be using the pent up energy that would be dedicated to the “part that is missing” to getting fit and feeling confident about yourself when men stop and stare as you walk down the street. Do men do that now?
If you want the attention of a high value man, you must be a high value women! Being put together is important, but slim and fit is really the first step. Then you need to be able to maintain a house. Are you clean? Do you have everything put away? Is your place decorated with adult style (not you college dorm rags)? Afterwards, invest in becoming a good in the kitchen. Men love to eat a home cooked meal. Even when my meals have be subpar in my opinon, I have alway been thanked for them.
Once you start investing time in these things and becoming excited about them, men will come. Why? Because you will be more interesting than the blank slate that is investing time solely into their career. You will have a personal life that is diverse and inticing to be a part of.
That is my take on it at least. Maybe I am wrong and you are invested in various aspects of life, but I get the feeling that you believe that male interest should just plop on your doorstep.
P.S. - Getting fit can be done via outdoor hobbies as well as the gym.
Chelseaqix 7y ago
Just to build on getting fit. OP likely knows but a friendly reminder... it’s 99% what goes in you than exercise. You still need exercise but it should be used to tone up not to drop weight. Adjusting your diet is pivotal to dropping the weight. Don’t reward going to the gym with cheating!
To burn a pound of fat off it’s approximately 3500 calories.
Running for an hour may be around 200 calories but that Venti Chai Frape is about 540+
It’s easier to not drink the frape than to run 2 hours. Remember this every time you consume something. Ideally... never drink your calories. Ditch the sodas as they’re the worst offenders.
KateCoger 7y ago
This! Its disgusting how much people love to fill their bodies with crap.
rpwthrwy 7y ago
I didn't get into my first relationship until I was 23, and that was after one year of my then boyfriend trying to court me. We lasted for a few years and what I can tell you from experience is: 1) Learn how to vet guys. 2) Find someone who matches your timeline. 3) Keep going out there. Don't stay in nun mode too long! Finding a great match is truly a numbers game. If you haven't found someone you truly like, that's fine. Change the environment, location or circle of friends you're trying to find your potential partner in.
Chelseaqix 7y ago
“One was too clingy” “one didn’t want a relationship”
So one wanted your too much and the other too little?
Yeah. You’re probably being too picky. You didn’t write much but if you’ve made it to 22 and you’re still single it probably says more than about you than who you’ve dated.
Why are you an unfit 22 year old?
It’s literally the easiest time in your life to fix that.
LateralThinker13 7y ago
I take it you're dating near your age? Men in their early 20s aren't the most mature, by and large.
Also, change your dating pool. If all the men you're wading through are either a) immature, b) clingy, or c) just looking for sex, then you're in the wrong dating pool. Find a hobby, find some older men, and try there.
Also, clingy? Clingy men DO want relationships, they just are insecure. Dates with clingy men can go somewhere (though not an optimal somewhere) so you're not just getting ghosted.
Probably. What do you offer men, as a woman? Look at a list of feminine virtues. Which ones do you bring? Homemaking? Pleasant conversation? Attractive physical appearance? Can you cook? In short, what list of RMV values are you bringing to the table?
As an aside, 5'7" 165lbs isn't a dealbreaker... but it's heavy, especially if it isn't muscle (and I'm guessing it isn't). Cut caloric intake, fast, change your diet away from carbs, and get down to 130-140, and you'll find more male attention AND improved self esteem.
Work on you.
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riseoftherice 7y ago
Improve your looks even more, in your post you say you're an attractive person but when you explain you just say positive qualities that aren't physical. They are wonderful, but they don't make the first impression. I'd anything, usually toning up is all it takes.
Regarding men, I assume you know what relationship you want and what would work with your lifestyle. You're in need school, as far as I know medical professionals don't have much time for personal life. Who can realistically deal with it? Would it be a doctor?
Also, if the men you find through apps usually don't fit you, look more outside of apps.
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CrazyHorseInvincible 7y ago
You are not ready to be giving advice instead of receiving it. I'm placing you in read-only mode for a little while.