I agree with all of this. My FI is a corporate litigation lawyer and I am a doctor. I have recently transitioned to SAH, to focus on homemaking and do some research, and our relationship has improved greatly. I simply have more energy to dedicate to him and our relationship, and I’m happier because I feel like I’m being a good fiancé. I’m not saying everyone has to quit their jobs, and indeed I intend to go back to part time at some point, I can say that in my experience at least I agree with everything you’ve said above! xo

I think you've really hit on a lot of the points that can make it harder to defer, STFU, tame hypergamy and all that good stuff that we talk about in RPW.

There seems to be some virtue signaling going on in the comments so far. The value of this post is that if we can't recognize these tendencies then we can't exert willpower to curb them. You are identifying very real issues of working out in a high powered field and why it can be more difficult than being SAH or a less powered job.

Constant exposure to (high SMV) men.

My job (financial advice) doesn't makes this harder because I always encounter men with their wives. I also see the whole scope of a guy's financial situation. It's a lot different seeing how much money he makes and then seeing how much debt he has on top of it!

But I think you are completely correct about the internal bar being raised. Because of what I do, I'm a lot less impressed by high income and all the stuff. Even if all my clients don't have high powered jobs, they all make enough to warrant having a financial advisor! So, for example, I had to make a point to be super excited back when my husband broke the six figure mark. It was a really big deal to him and I felt a bit like "well yeah, of course it was going to happen <shrug>". Everything in your life is relative to what you surround yourself with. If you are around people at the top of their game making beaucoup bux, your perceptions will change.

Unsustainable distribution of domestic work

It's not just the money, it's the time. It's all well and good that we recognize that men don't want to do the housework. It's another to work a full time job and keep the house. I was all bristly around the edges when I was working full time and in school. We ate food out of boxes more often than not and I still felt resentful that my husband just worked and got to come home and not think about cleaning the bathroom ever. It simply is harder to strike a work / life balance when your job takes a lot of your focus. It's something that a couple had to decide together, but to act like it's never has the potential to be an issue - silliness.

The way this ended up for us is that I work a more flexible job for less money. I could absolutely work more hours and earn more money. There would be benefits to us as a couple and downsides to us as a couple. We decided that for the childrearing aspect, it made sense to keep the job I have with it's flexibility. He feels comfortable making more and bearing the burden of that and he enjoys the sandwiches. But I'm sure there are days that he looks at our student debt and me being at home at 4pm and gets a little frustrated. It's all about tradeoffs.

You’re in a position to judge

When you are accustomed to having others listen to your opinions at work, it's much more difficult to practice STFU at home. Or maybe it's a personality thing. But I'm right there with you on this one. I have thoughts! and I'm a fairly intelligent person! If he comes home talking about a technical problem, I can listen with ease because it's way over my head. But sometimes it's about interaction with coworkers and it's hard not to get involved.

All these things are manageable. Ignoring them and acting like a true RPW doesn't have these feelings is simply ignoring that we're all susceptible to AWALT in some form or another. You've outlined some key ways it might appear for a high powered career woman.

Great post!

Is it even possible for you to work longer hours, pay the bills, and handle the domestic workload?

Ok I understand that it would not be fair for you to work harder both at work and at home, but I dislike this mindset of domestic work being an impossibility with a high stress job.

Many people work jobs like yours as a single man/woman. Do they just not perform any type of domestic duties? Do they just leave their house/apartment in a constant state of wreck? Do they not cook? Plenty of people in high stress jobs can still perform general upkeep of their living space.

It's probably not fair, but it's absolutely possible. If you were single, would you just not ever have a clean place of living?

Other than that, I think these are good points. There are some people who live in a relational setting where the woman makes more than the man, but the man is still the dominant of the two. I think the most difficult part of this is just that women find comfort and pride in their man being more successful than them. It's hard for a woman to brag about her man when she's doing better than he is financially.

It all comes back to social standing. When a man brings up a woman to his friends/coworkers etc. they all ask what does she look like. What she does as a job/profession/major/sport etc. probably won't even be thought of unless it's particularly noteworthy like "She's a ballerina" or "she's a doctor" or "She's a volleyBall player" etc. When a woman brings up a man to her friends, what he looks like probably comes up, but the question of what he does will likely both precede and supercede anything else.

If it's any consolation, your post implies that your man must be operating on hard mode as well if he's still held onto you. You wouldn't remain enamoured with him otherwise.

u/girlwithabike works in finance, so I always keep in mind that she's going to be interacting with people that could potentially compete with me. I try to embody as many different High Value Men qualities as I can manage. I've been working a white collar job and wearing dress clothes to work for a long time, but I'm proud to say I've kept the calluses on my hands. I make furniture for her in my spare time, sometimes going so far as to skip Home Depot and get the lumber from the source. It's hard, but everything worthwhile is.

If you're doing it right, you're a challenge for each other.

you'll become progressively harder to impress

If you spend enough time around a person to actually get to know them beyond the surface-impression, the more you'd see how they lack in many aspects, because people can't be amazing at everything in life. There's always something set aside.

Your man only seems to lack in various aspects, because you know him far better than other men.

If your day is full of big professional milestones, high stakes decisions, meeting hot shots and big wigs - are you still going to approach your dinner at home with your partner as THE highlight of your day?

Throughout my day, I carefully "censor" myself when navigating people, and it's frankly exhausting for me. At home with my husband, it's so liberating to be able to really be myself around him.

It's the highlight of my day for sure, like finally breathing fresh air after breathing from scuba tanks.

does your partner inevitably take on that domestic workload?

No, because I'm more efficient at handling that, compared to him.

We distribute tasks between us according to who spends the least time doing those tasks, so we can have more time to spend together doing silly things.

Time is the most precious commodity in our short lives (your time, is literally your lifespan, and nobody can guarantee what anyone's actual lifespan is, but IMO, it will always be "too short"), and we're very careful about how we use it.

Whereas when he vents and I DO understand the problem (maybe I’ve had the exact same issue even), it’s hard not to compare his choices to my hypothetical ones or my 20/20 hindsight.

Let him finish venting before you say anything, because the venting is less about the problem, and more about his need to decompress.

So focus on his need to vent, and not the problem.

If you have a solution, don't give it to him like delivering a package deal. Use your knowledge to guide him to find the solution by himself, by inviting him to talk through it with you, saying how it would help to mentally recalibrate and find the solution by organizing his thoughts out loud with you.

Sometimes when you have all the details, you might even realize your solution may not be the best one for his specific problem.

I embody one extreme on this spectrum, as does my boyfriend. We plan to continue this grueling schedule through our 20's - it's part a mutually agreed upon plan, based on our shared priorities and goals.

This piqued my interest. Why only in your 20s? Is there something happening in your 30s that will preclude you from working?

In which case, why not get whatever that is out of the way now, and have a more successful return to work sooner in life, rather than later?

Quality post.

(not on my mind but worth noting),

I know what you mean, but it's still worth noting - things which are entirely out of mind are the easiest to fall into. Knowing temptation and that you're a mortal human with human weaknesses who can fall to temptation, is the best foundation for taking proper precautions against such slips. For example, Mike Pence will never be in seclusion with a woman who isn't his wife etc. Neither would I and my wife won't be secluded with men either.

Dedicating my physical presence is not enough. What about my mental presence?

In plain English - put away your phone and maintain eye contact with your spouse.

If you day is full of big professional milestones, high stakes decisions, meeting hot shots and big wigs - are you still going to approach your dinner at home with your partner as THE highlight of your day? Are you still going to bring your best self to that dinner, save your highest energy, wittiest self? It takes me, frankly, a lot of thoughtfulness and effort and I still fall far short of my goals!

You're touching on a highly important point here.

If your spouse is the most important person in the world to you, then absolutely, having dinner with them will be the highlight of your day! Explaining how to do this in practical terms will take an entire post, but the point still holds true.

During initial attraction, it's external factors that attract you to one another. However, the goal ought to be to move beyond (but not away from) that to a deeper form of intimate connection. A connection that goes well beyond who's the most successful man or hottest piece of ass at the moment. Those may be enticing in their own right, but they hold only temporary value.

I'll have to leave the rest of my comments for later. Gotta run now.

One thing that helped me a lot when I worked a stressful job was taking 10 or 15 minutes to myself to decompress after work before going home. Just finding a quiet place for yourself. This will help you shift into the "at home" mindset from the high-powered mindset.

If you are both earning well, perhaps you could outsource some of your housework. If you have the money, there's nothing wrong with having a maid come once a week or hiring someone to do a little meal prep. I hesitate to recommend getting your man to do the domestic duties, because from what I've seen this can be an attraction killer, but if it works it works.

I think also being vigilant about not crossing any lines with these high powered men from professional to personal is important too. Hypergamy is real, but if you are aware of it, you can keep it under control.

My boyfriend and me both work in academia, and somehow, I don't think it makes "being" RPW harder. Working hard can make you more tired and have less energy left for your loved one. However, I don't think that it should change your mindset.

Let me explain:

Constant exposure to high SMV men

This is only a problem if you think that your SO somehow has lower value. While I understand that this will raise the bar in terms of expectations, you should also understand your interaction with them: they are work-related. You wouldn't want to take one of these men home to continue that interaction, because then you would be on the job 24/7. And if you do feel a pull towards them or get some flirtation, maybe you should think about who you are and what really attracts you in a man. It's possible that you think that someone is out of your league and for that reason it's better to stay where you are, but from the point of view of your SO, I would rather be alone than be with someone who secretly wants to be with higher SMV men, but is too lazy to fully commit to self-improve to that point, so she settles for me.

Primacy of your role as GF/wife

It seems to me that if seeing your man is not the highlight of your day, you are not authentic in your interaction with him, because you are working to come across in a certain way, that is not really you, because you think that that's how it should be. But if it's not reflective of how you feel inside, maybe the whole traditional lifestyle thing is not right for you. If you have to feign the things it says you should feel, maybe that's a sign that it's not working for you. Something will not make you happy because you think it should, if you are not feeling things that it says you should.

Unsustainable distribution of domestic work

You seem to see this one coming already: you can't do both at the same time, you're only one person! In my situation, we have a household help for 3 hours every other week, and my SO actually does a lot of stuff in the household, sometimes more than me! It depends on who has a busier week. I think it really depends on your mindset. We'd rather both do stuff around the house on a Saturday morning so we can go out and have fun in the afternoon, than have me do it by myself and no time/energy left for the fun stuff. Initially, I also had trouble letting go of the "this is my job"-feeling, because I have been raised with more traditional roles. But it makes him feel accomplished and manly when everything around the house has been taken care of and he's more of a perfectionist than I am. It makes him proud. He also feels big and strong for being able to give me some rest and "protect me" from housework when I'm sick. I do realize I'm very lucky that he sees it that way, but it illustrates that it doesn't have to be your job only, if both are happier in another arrangement!

You're in a position to judge

I'm sorry, but you're never in a position to judge, unless you've been a perfect person all of your life and have never made mistakes yourself. Being smarter or more knowledgeable than someone else shouldn't stop you from being kind and emphatic to their issues. Especially at home, if you really want to live this traditional lifestyle, you should focus more on offering emotional support, and less on your assessment of his professional decisions. I work with my boyfriend and sometimes don't agree with his decisions (it even displays value when a man knows your opinion but can decide otherwise, but that's a whole different story), but that won't stop me from being emotionally involved and caring about him. They're just two different things.

I want to finish by saying that I am in no way trying to judge you, but just think that the RPW lifestyle that you seem to have perceived in this subreddit might not be making you happy. For me, RPW is more of a theoretical tool to better understand interactions, but it's best to follow your heart and be mindful of your personal situation and how you feel when making decisions, more than thinking of how things should be. There is no one-size-fits-all formula to female happiness. :)

Alright, the rest of my comments.

Is it even possible for you to work longer hours, pay the bills, and handle the domestic workload? If not, and there’s no altering the situation, does your partner inevitably take on that domestic workload? And if he does, does that affect how you see him?

This is a serious issue you need to address. If you want it to work, I you need to be from those few who won't see their husbands as less than, just because he earns more. One way to do this is to look up to him in the areas where he is indeed "better" than you.

Whereas when he vents and I DO understand the problem (maybe I’ve had the exact same issue even), it’s hard not to compare his choices to my hypothetical ones or my 20/20 hindsight.

The key is to remember to be a soft landing for him. Your role isn't to solve his problems. Your role is to lay his head in your breasts, stroke his hair, listen to him and express your belief in him and his abilities to succeed.