At this point in my relationship with my Captain I am very worried about where it may go if I do not find myself again.
Since being together I have honestly alienated a lot of people in my life. I have relied on him to basically be my only source of happiness. I know it is not healthy and it is a very heavy burden to put on someone.
This past weekend he has made it abundantly clear that I need to unfuck myself because it is taking a very heavy toll on our relationship.
My question is how do you women make genuine friendships. I'm having trouble meeting people. I know I need to find something I like to do and find people that enjoy the same. My issue is the town I live in is both a retirement town as well as a college town. Everyone is either twice my age or almost ten years younger than me and only wants to party.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not antisocial but I am a bit shy.
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LateralThinker13 7y ago
Not just unhealthy. Even in blue pill world this is bad. Google "Codependent".
Find hobbies. Quilt. Hike. Kayak. Ignore age differences and find likeminded people. Get out more.
jennmannequin 7y ago
I've already started. I'm finding myself again.
girlwithabike 7y ago
Have you jumped into the self care thread that is currently up? That might be a good place to start. It asks you to come up with things that you do only because they bring you joy and then make time and do them. Make this a regular part of your routine. It lightens your mental load.
Making friends as adults is really difficult. You've asked before about ideas of things to do while your bf is away. Have you gotten involved in any of them? Some people will come and go out of your life and that is pretty normal. When I meet someone that I click with, I treat it like dating. The good things about "dating" a female friend is that it's a lot harder to be too clingy than it is with a man. Be proactive setting up times to chat or to go hang out. Respond back quickly and demonstrate that you are interested in her life.
Meetup is a good way to find group activities that will get you out and doing stuff. I used that to join a knitting circle and a book club. Both of those were temporary groups that worked in my life at the time I did them. I believe the nature of Meetup makes the people really welcoming in those groups.
memelia 7y ago
Hi! Can you share a link to the self care thread?
jennmannequin 7y ago
I have not checked out that thread but I will now. Thank you.
I have done a couple things. I tried yoga. Realised I didn't really like it. I think I prefer more active things rather than super Zen.
He has been away this weekend and I have focused on myself a bit more. I went to the beach by myself which I never do. I purged my place of a bunch of junk.
I'm not really sure where to look for meet ups. But I'm sure they aren't very hard to find if I actually look.
girlwithabike 7y ago
https://www.meetup.com/ <- sorry for being unclear, this is what I meant by MeetUp
[deleted] 7y ago
I made friendships with women at the gym! I went through a breakup immediately after moving to a new region. I don't drink and I work from home, so I found it super difficult to meet people in general.
I started lifting and took up pole dancing and met lots of ladies that way. I've recently started taking sewing courses and hope to make even more friends that way!
I live in a college and military town, so I totally understand the difficulty!
jennmannequin 7y ago
How do you like pole dancing classes? I've always had that in the back of my mind. I want to do it for exercise as well as building confidence.
There aren't to many women that go to my gym. But I'm also a big late night gym person. So may be there are more than I know.
I'm 27 so living in a college town isn't terrible. Just depends on if I can find groups who want to do more than party all the time.
[deleted] 7y ago
I LOVE pole! The women are wonderful and supportive and it's just such a sexy, feminine space. The sewing classes are more of a matronly feminine space, and I really think that having a balance is fantastic.
It's improved my flexibility, strength, and femininity.
jennmannequin 7y ago
Femininity is something I'm really trying to find in myself. I have a feminine side but I want to exude feminity on a daily basis.
I definitely think that I'm going to give pole a shot. Thank you so much!!
[deleted] 7y ago
It can be harder than people think. Just don't get discouraged.
[deleted] 7y ago
Oh one more thing, I didn’t make friends with superficial gossips at work. That was just a surrogate. I worked with a bunch of betas who liked to keep tabs on me. I got rid of them. They’re just distant acquaintances now.
So watch who you make friends with! You need satisfying friends!!
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stacysmom40 7y ago
I meet women everywhere that want to be friends.
Most recently, the dog park. I’m a stay at home dog mom and go to the park almost every weekday. I’ve met two women there - one who doesn’t work and the other is a hairdresser and works odd hours. So we make plans. Go to brunch or the beach.
My hairdresser and I hang out on a regular basis. Different lady than the aforementioned hairdresser.
Former co-workers. People I went to high school with. Ladies at yoga.
I’m also learning Spanish via Duolinguo and about to start piano lessons. I read. I have a small video gaming habit. I work daily on training my dog. When you add all that to the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and meal prep... I’m pretty busy without my husband. I love it when he’s available though.
TLDR: Get a dog. ????
jennmannequin 7y ago
Sometimes I wonder if my age or more so the age I look is what holds people back from approaching me. I'm almost 28 years old but most people peg me as around 20 years old. And while living in a college town it definitely probably makes most women my age just assume I'm a party person.
But if I have learned anything at all from all of your guys advice it is to just put myself out there. I have nothing to lose in trying new things and meeting new people.
And unfortunately no doggie until we move out of our apartment into a house.
[deleted] 7y ago
I was once in your shoes... but I don’t know what “unfuck” means.
I resumed running and have running friends. I am resuming my writing club and book club.
I did however, need to leave my boyfriend because he lied to me all the time and was unreliable.
He also wanted me to wait around for him and not see other men. I didn’t see him in 2 years. I just didn’t know him (anymore)
So yes, it’s important to move on and rid yourselves of expectations BUT if you have no solid relationship goals (or none he’s shared with you)... you gotta date new people girlfriend. Don’t squander your loveliness on men who call themselves captains but have no control over where they put their time.
I wish you luck and for Pete’s sake don’t wait!
jennmannequin 7y ago
I'm not waiting around for him. We are currently in a relationship. He doesn't lie and is very reliable. He is the epitome of a Captain. I have just been a pretty shitty first mate as of lately.
I know what he needs and wants from me. I think for the most part I do a lot of what he asks. But I really need to work on not second guessing his decisions. I know how thorough he is in his thought process so I am not sure why I do.
I'm not a big runner but I would like to find some women who enjoy hiking and things of that nature. Thanks for the advice. And I'm very glad you got out of your situation. It didn't sound healthy.
[deleted] 7y ago
There are lots of female hiking groups and walking groups, just google your city and walking/hiking.
Personally, I don’t have a lot of time. I help out with my elderly aunt and take her for lunch once a month and help my parents quite a bit. I’m also quite involved with my kids.
I see my friends once a month or once every two months. They’ve moved away but we used to workout together every morning at 5am.
I’m also getting back into it with my writers group and spending lots of time with them. More writing means more time at home (but its joyous time).
Anyway, please don’t let anyone tell you what makes you happy. Don’t let them “set you up” with men or do things to fill your time for you.
jennmannequin 7y ago
Thank you so much. I'm definitely going to look into that. I need to step out of my comfort zone.
I don't really let to many people tell me how to live my life. I know what I need and that is something no one can tell you. No one knows what truly makes you happy but yourself.
[deleted] 7y ago
But can I be honest? He doesn’t sound very captain-ish. Sorry. Captains don’t manipulate first mates and tell them they’re shitty.
Captains care about their first mates happiness and work together on a plan. Your seems very one sided and shared little with you about himself.
girlwithabike 7y ago
Actually, I wouldn't call it manipulation, I've talked to quite a few women here in long term relationships where their man has shaped them over time. This is quite common with men who have more alpha tendencies. Women can be fairly malleable and from personal life and time on RPW, I see that the strongest relationships are ones in which the man has help the woman to create herself to fit the relationship. He does this by setting expectations and guiding her to live up to them. I'm sure this can be a problem if you haven't vetted well, but with the best men, this leads to some of the best relationships.
Telling someone they are shitty (those exact words I mean) is taking it in the wrong direction, but the OP doesn't really describe her own contributions that go him to that point.
If we must use the captain metaphor - a captain leads and directs the first mate. If the first mate is listless and not up to snuff, it's perfectly within a captain's purview to guide her to be the best woman she can be. He does this because he cares but that doesn't mean that tough love can't play into it. If he didn't care he'd pump and dump and walk away. A man begging a woman to be better is on his last straw and doesn't want to give up a woman he desperately loves.
tag /u/jennmannequin
jennmannequin 7y ago
Thank you so much. Reading that actually gave me a much better understanding of what I think he is going through with me.
He has definitely molded me into a better version of myself. I definitely welcomed it with open arms. But I have hit a speed bump that I'm trying to get past.
He has helped me so much in finding myself that I think I lost who I am without him. I need to get back to that place and find me again while still holding to the standards he has set for me.
We vetted each other for a year before deciding to be together. The relationship is by no means rushed.
jennmannequin 7y ago
I'm not sure how to respond to that. He isn't one sided. I know plenty. He isn't manipulative he just knows from past relationships what he is looking for. I can't be mad about that.
[deleted] 7y ago
Okay, problem solved!