Hi everyone!!
So I find myself a bit of a pickle here. Here is the back story
I African (25F) met a Chinese (30M) close to 4 months ago. We chatted for a while before meeting and I got to know a lot about him before our office date. We went on about 2 dates before we got intimate( yes we got to the sex part too quick and I had zero commitment but what’s done is done)
Since our meeting 4 months ago there just hasn’t been much progress in our courtship. He is a busy doctor and I am an entrepreneur who is pretty much in control of how my schedule looks.
We are not in an official relationship but have had talks bout it. Where we are right now is not ideal, sort of in this limbo phase where we see each other 2-3times a month due to his schedule and have not had much of a chance to form bond emotionally.
I have ask him “what do you want?” . He is adamant that he really likes me but is struggling with making the time and putting effort into moving us in the right direction. He wants to get married and have kids in the near future(that Chinese family pressure is a real thing haha) just not sure he is gutsy enough to bring a black woman home and possibly leave his families good graces.
He is very slow, cautious and steady with everything he does. Where I am let’s jump in and we will figure it out as we go type person. This has helped me a lot in taking business risks but can backfire on me in relationships.
So do the ladies in this forum think I should figure it out with him or jump ship? You can BS yourself so much when you like someone that you can’t see the truth sometimes. Looking for some external points of view
Thank you!!
Nessunolosa 7y ago
I don't mean to seed doubt, but why can he not see you more than 2-3 times a month?
Back in my non-RPW days, this situation often meant I was not the only woman in his life. At the time, that didn't bother me. But if you know what's good for you, and you want marriage and kids, this weighs obviously not be acceptable.
If a man wants to commit, he will. Period. If he's only around sometimes and being wishy washy about meeting up (even with the excuse of being a busy doctor), I have a bad feeling about this.
LovinLiving 7y ago
Definitely agree on the wish washy aspect. I think I am being lenient on him because I know what it was like when I 1st started out with my business. It was number 1 and that was that. Medicine seems to be that for him.
I see him that much now because his schedule gets in the way. Like now for example he is in a town 5 hours away for the next three weeks. What happens now?
If he wants to commit he will. I’ve take advice from someone here to pull back and let him come to me. Finding commitment is different from building a business after all and I’ve been seeing it like that. Go out and conquer....nope not the same.
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
You see him 2-3x a month?
This is not conducive to a functioning relationship.
Has he mentioned that his parents would have a problem with a black woman? If he close to his family? If both of these are true then there is no hope for you, I’m sorry.
But regardless of his family’s potential issues with your race, he doesn’t seem like someone who would commit to you regardless.
LovinLiving 7y ago
He says his family won’t give him a hard time with a black woman. I on the other hand am not sure that is true.
He is very close with his family.
Thank you for the input ????
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
Why?
This is a very important piece of your overall dating experience. If you believe that regardless of how people actually feel about your race, that they will have a problem with it somewhere down the line, you are depriving yourself of a genuine dating expereince outside of your own race.
This is not a problem when you are only dating within your race, but if you live in the US, the black population is only roughly 10% of the overall US population, so you are ruling out a large portion of potential partners.
Nessunolosa 7y ago
This is actually a huge issue for many people in China and other parts of Asia.
LovinLiving 7y ago
I think because of how the Chinese culture is. It’s all about “don’t embarrass your family” and him seeing as black woman could be just that. It’s more a culture thing that causes me doubt.
Asian people are openly racist to black people in their country but he wasn’t born in China so is obviously different.
I have dated outside my race plenty and not had a problem because there wasn’t a huge cultural difference.
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
So you think that Chinese people see black people as embarrassing? If you truly believe that, I don’t see you ever having a successful relationship with a Chinese man.
LovinLiving 7y ago
What I am saying is, it’s a possibility that his family won’t be thrilled about it. Anyway we are not that far down the road that it’s something to give too much thought.
At this point just trying to figure us out while he is finishing his residency. Getting aligned with each other is the goal
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
I don’t think it is as big of an issue as you make it out to be. His family moved to the states for a reason, I doubt they hold significant amounts of racism.
Residency is hard, but unless he wants to up the amount of times you see each other, there won’t be too much coming from this. You just see each other far too little to actually establish anything meaningful.
And things won’t be much easier after residency. They might be slightly easier, but a doctor’s schedule is never flexible. Unless he wants to make time for you, he will never have time for you.
LovinLiving 7y ago
We’re not in the states.
He is sure the hours will be better after his done with residency. Thats in 3 more years through.
We have decide to take it one be step at a time. I’m in less of a rush to get married compared to him. Will just take this time to be sure about him and if a future is possible
Thank you for the advice.
WhatIsThisAccountFor 7y ago
Good luck!
RubyWooToo 7y ago
He’s just going to hook up with you when convenient while he searches for a woman he and his family approve of as a prospective wife.
LovinLiving 7y ago
Very real possibility!!
DMADMAD 7y ago
Hi there, I work very closely with the Chinese community and if there are any Chinese people out there reading this, I beg of you to put me straight if I got this wrong. Generally speaking, Chinese people would not accept a person of colour into their family. Also generally speaking children would rarely go against their family's opinion as they have an incredibly close sense of "duty", and "respect" means doing as your parents tell you. But, I say all this as an observer and outsider of their culture.
LateralThinker13 7y ago
You aren't wrong. Oriental cultures in general tend to be intolerant of other races, even genetically related ones. Don't ever mistake a Korean for a Chinese or a Japanese, for example.
Individually, you can get the whole spectrum of acceptance to intolerance. But culture-wide, they don't like gaijin, and blacks are worse.
I'd take it on a case-by-case basis. But they're ALSO much more family oriented, so if the family is against the union, it won't go well.
(Half my family's from India, FWIW. Rest are white. India has a lot less of a problem with racial mixing than the oriental countries to its north, but it's there.)
[deleted] 7y ago
[deleted]
LovinLiving 7y ago
Thank you!! I love straight and clear advice like this.
I appreciate it????
loneliness-inc 7y ago
You have a massive stumbling block ahead of you - being mixed race. Some people don't care about that but others do. Even if he's okay with it, it's unrealistic and unreasonable to expect his family to also be okay with it. Expecting him to lose his family over you is just as unrealistic and unreasonable.
This is not something to just jump into. This is something that will take time and patience for it to have a chance of success.
LovinLiving 7y ago
I would never ask him to lose him family over me. That would be crazy talk
He has an older sister who is married to a white male. I’ve done done some digging and it seems all good and well except with his grandmother.
Definitely get the feeling he is nervous about him pushing the boat out so far with me. He had reassured me that his family(mostly mom,Dad + sister) are open minded people.
Time and patience with him or with his family?
loneliness-inc 7y ago
Both.
[deleted]
LadyRich117 7y ago
You had sex too early. If he is that careful and cautious then he makes moves strategically and knows what he wants. You are no longer a challenge. My best advice? Go very slowly and stop all pursuing. Stop asking him what he wants. Stop being “conquered”. Continue to see him and stay sweet but do not make the effort first.