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- Hide Preview | 34 Comments | submitted about a year ago by SushiWizard [Post Locked]

Hi, I'm not sure if this goes here. I came to discover RPW after being cheated on and have read Fascinating Womanhood, but am still pretty new to this.

I'm in my late 20s and have only had sex with two men, one was said cheater. Despite both of them being alpha, good-looking, sharing aligned kinks and common interests (meaning I'm definitely very attracted), I'm unable to come during sex, whether it's penetrative or oral or being fingered. Both men have spent quite a bit of time on foreplay and trying to get me to come, and I could sense their disappointment maybe thinking it's them. I'm genuinely worried that overtime this made them feel less masculine as their previous partners orgasmed with them and that was why the first guy cheated on me. Now with the second guy I've developed a fear of being similarly pumped and dumped, which I suspect could make it harder than it already is to orgasm.

On the contrary I am able to orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I have a high libido and masturbate daily (only to fantasies of him and I let him know). So, is this a valid problem by RPW standards that I have to work on fixing? Do men actually mind if I just enjoy the sex but don't ever come? Has anyone else faced this problem and where do I start? ????

Disclaimer: I've dated 4 guys, only one of which was a LTR. However I've only had penetrative sex with the fifth guy I dated pre-RPW, plus the current guy I'm seeing.

[-] Howlsraven 43 Points about a year ago

My guess is that daily masterbation with a vibrator is the issue. The same way guys can have trouble finishing I'd they get to used to an iron grip women can become too used to higher levels of stimulation and need that in order to finish. I would recommend trying to downgrade to less intense forms of stimulation. Try just using your fingers or non vibrating toys so your partners can learn to copy you. Another option would be to teach your partner how to use toys on you so they can be more involved in your pleasure.

[-] happygrays 5 Points about a year ago

Agree completely. A two week or so break from masturbating to help become more sensitive again would probably help a lot too.

[-] [deleted] about a year ago
[-] Wolfssenger 13 Points about a year ago

It is undoubtedly emasculating for a man to be unable to elicit an orgasm from his partner. I've been there personally and it never really fully stopped bothering me. However, the woman I was with at the time made it very clear how attracted she was to me. She was similar to you, very active sex drive, frequent masturbation, and I was quite happy to hear her reports of fantasies of me that ended in orgasm.

All of those things helped bring the negativity the situation generated in me down, but it never went away.

I have a suspicion it had to do, at least in part, with her relationship(perhaps even addiction) to porn.

I'd advise you stay away from porn and the vibrator for the same reason I advise men to stay away from porn and people to stay away from heroine, overstimulation ruins previously enjoyable and fulfilling parts of life.

[-] cynicalhousewife 15 Points about a year ago

I think men need to drop this obsession with the female orgasm. I don't know what it is that makes men so caught up in it, I'm guessing it could be pornography use and the media. The majority of women don't actually need an orgasm to enjoy sex and the way that men constantly talk about it can actually be off putting. Unless a woman communicates with you directly and tells you that is what she wants, I wouldn't get caught up in it.

[-] Wolfssenger 6 Points about a year ago

You're failing to see the male perspective in the situation.

As we all know, men are human doings and are haunted by the imposter syndrome, essentially an eternally present(no matter how slight) sense of inadequacy.

Couple this with the fact that women are more prone to lie to avoid social tension and be serruptitiously manipulative, it makes it very, very difficult for men to trust women(hence why a true man's trust is a rare and momentous gift).

Now let's go to the situation of sex. Orgasm is the only irrefutable evidence that affirms a job well done. Everything else can be manufactured. As such, there's no way for a man to know whether he has actually done well and satisfied his partner, as a woman is far more likely to lie and pretend to spare his self worth.

Why does failing here concern men so much? Because if what we do is poor, then we as doings are poor.

I would caution against using the "x should just stop doing y" line. It is rare that such phenomena occur without a reason, and "just stop" is not a solution. You should be careful to search for them before passing judgement.

[-] cynicalhousewife 7 Points about a year ago

Really? Because direct communication has worked with my husband. He kept on asking me uncomfortable questions after sex about my level of enjoyment. I communicated to him that if I didn't enjoy it with him I would not do it with him and the fact that I get to be with him in that way is enough to satisfy me. I then asked him to stop mentioning these things because it made me feel awkward and it put a damper on the experience. This was a while ago and he stopped immediately after that and hasn't said anything about it since.

If I have communicated with a man and I have given him reassurance and he carries on about it then I will feel like he's nagging me and being needy and over emotional.

If a man doesn't trust me when I am personally being honest with him, then that's not my issue. He either needs to build that trust through time with me or move along.

I don't get into relationships with men to fix their personal issues and to give them constant affirmation. I don't expect them to do that for me, either.

I am lucky to have found a man who is secure enough in himself not to need anything beyond good communication because I have met so many men who are insecure and over emotional and take everything personally.

[-] Wolfssenger 4 Points about a year ago

Well if only everyone's life could be the exception. If you have nothing to contribute aside from anecdotes(which are worthless logically speaking), then I'm done here.

[-] cynicalhousewife 2 Points about a year ago

I assume we are talking about men, and I have just given you an example of when my approach with a particular man worked. Is he an exception? I don't know.

[-] Wolfssenger 5 Points about a year ago

Anecdotal evidence is worthless in an argument about how people act in general. You just admitted that you have no idea if your anecdote is even a valid point to bring up.

I'll say this one last time, if you're not going to make a substantive point, don't waste your time. I don't care about you or your personal life.

If you're going to argue you could at least do the courtesy of learning the basics of logical debate as to not waste people's time with meaningless prattle.

Edit: and if you really need an example to see what you're doing, it's the equivalent of me saying "most people don't have the talent or drive to become billionaires" and you responding with "well I'm a billionaire". It does nothing to refute the statement or add to the conversation.

[-] cynicalhousewife 2 Points about a year ago

But you were using anecdotal evidence by talking about how you feel.

[-] Wolfssenger 1 Point about a year ago

I used it to detail probable causes and solutions to OPs issue, which was related to but different from what we're discussing. As soon as it came time to detail and support a position, I used no anecdotal evidence to support my argument, let alone let it constitute the majority of my supe support.

[-] cynicalhousewife 3 Points about a year ago

You did, you talked about how you would personally feel in such a situation. I was just telling you that not every man would handle things by being so over sensitive and giving you a real life example. At the end of the day there is no objective way to handle the situation because people vary so much.

[-] cynicalhousewife 6 Points about a year ago

Does not having an orgasm during sex actually bother you? I have found that it doesn't bother me at all and I have spoken to other women who feel the same. Just feeling attracted to my husband when we are intimate and meeting that urge to be with a man I have those feelings for is enough for me. I find that if anything it's men that have this irritating obsession with the female orgasm, to the point where it makes women enjoy the experience less than they would otherwise.

[-] sparkledragon45 3 Points about a year ago

I feel the same way about this topic. I enjoy having sex with my fiance, but I honestly don't feel the need for him to make me orgasm every time were together (though I have a lower sex drive compared to most people). I just really enjoy seeing my man get pleasure from being with me.

[-] cynicalhousewife 3 Points about a year ago

I wouldn't say I have a low sex drive, it's pretty average for a 30 something woman. It's lower then it was in my teens and 20s but it's still very much there and I still very much desire my husband. I just don't get what all this fuss is about about the female orgasm. The fact that I am with a particular man that I admire and find attractive is the thrill of it all.

[-] LawyerInTheMaking 5 Points about a year ago

you using masturbation and vibrator to stimulate yourself is the same as a man masturbating and watching porn to stimulate himself. when you do both frequently you get desensitized so much so that actually having sex with isnt enough to achieve orgasm. its like a drug, where getting high is more fulfilling than actually eating food.

​

My recommendation: If you have such a high libido, why not channel all of it your man instead. Refrain from masturbating and using a toy, wait for him to come back home and let him use his hands and parts to do it for you. Tease and sext him throughout the day and build the sexual tension so when you do get together youll have an easier time reaching orgasm.

[-] _Ulan_ 4 Points about a year ago

I dated a girl that did not orgasm for the first 4 months. She was used to "wait til it ends" sex and it generally quite anxious, so she couldn't really let herself go. On my hand I was used to very intense quivering orgasm, so I was very disturbed.

First I made sure to try sex in different situations. Slightly drunk after a party, waking up in the morning, wildly against a wall or romantically in a bed. I started to know what would take her mind off, some position gave her a more arousing view, etc... And I would use that to help her get higher.

Eventually, when she asked me about which lingerie she should wear I suggested adding a tail-plug as she already had some cat ears, and it sounded like the kind of roleplay she would like. We went with it and she got a level higher in terms of pleasure. The morning after she had a first orgasm - without the toy - I think the kink made her more comfortable into showing her own intimacy.

Surprisingly she came in reverse-cowgirl on a sofa (Which is not the most erotic or engaging position). I believe that she got turned on by how much I enjoyed it, but also she was more comfortable that I didn't see her face.

Surprisingly once she knew she was about to orgasm, she suddenly turned back to normal cowgirl so that , I quote, she "wasn't feeling this alone". You women are fantastic.

She had three more later in the day, with the toy. She was your age and so far this was more than she ever had.

Edit : Just don't tease him too much about not coming, or don't be constantly saying "it's fine don't worry I'm fine" as this can really brake a man's confidence. Instead state how much he turns you on and how you are looking forward to the day you'll orgasm with him.

[-] ManguZa 4 Points about a year ago

You probably need to loosen up, relax yourself... and it's only possible if you really trust your partner (and are attracted by him).

Or maybe they don't have a good enough technique.

[-] AnarchoNAP 4 Points about a year ago

Lay off the masterbation and definitely lay off the vibrator. After awhile you should get to a point where you are physically able to orgasm from regular sex again. Right now you are training your body 1) that you need intense amounts of stimulation 2) sex is just a physical thing that you doesn’t have anything to do with a loving partner.

You seem to also have a mental block. If you are going to be with this guy you need to trust him and calm down. Not feeling comfortable is a real detriment to orgasm. I had this issue for over a year with my now husband. I felt like he was dragging on marriage, therefore didn’t value it, therefore didn’t value me. It doesn’t really matter if any of that was true, my body believed it and then, rightfully, wasn’t thrilled about sex with a non-committed person. You NEED to work on your emotional issues if you are ever going to have a healthy relationship.

[-] SushiWizard 2 Points about a year ago

Thanks for this. I definitely don't feel valued after being cheated on :( all my prior confidence is gone and this is my first time I have trust issues that I'm being used for sex. Not sure how to overcome it, it's been a year. I feel horrible.

[-] AnarchoNAP 2 Points about a year ago

It’s been a year since you’ve been cheated on or it’s been a year since you’ve been with this guy?

I would say sit down and actually evaluate this guy. Not re-vetting things you’ve already vetted kind of way, but think about all the ways he proves his commitment. If he does then this should be easy. Ideally during sex you should focus on the sex, but I don’t know if you’re there yet. Focus on things he’s done to prove commitment and see if that helps with calming down.

For what it’s worth basically as soon as I got married sex was back to where it was in the beginning, if not better. Because my insecurities were gone. I’m not saying you have to wait till marriage, just that when you remove the mental block it goes back to normal.

I think therapy is an obvious suggestion, but I’m also going to recommend meditation. Work up to body scans.

[-] bobobo81 3 Points about a year ago

I'm in the same boat. I'm the only person who can make myself come.

I manage to reach orgasm by masturbating during penetration doggy style.

That's how I solved it.

[-] Pixie0310 3 Points about a year ago

My guess is a combination of being used to the vibrator, and mentally blocked.

From experience, when you're used to the stimulation of a vibrator, your body learns to respond to it, and it's hard for anything to compare to that. Switch to your fingers. It might take awhile for you to orgasm that way, but once your body seeks that, you can use your fingers (or he can) during sex, and your chances are better.

Also, mental blockage / age? For me, I had two sexual partners in my 20s, and I only ever orgasmed with one of them - and it was like twice, and using a vibrator. And we were together a LONG time. Now in my early 30s, I can orgasm every time with my fiance if I want to - just requires letting him know to wait on me, using my fingers, and focusing my mind. I think when I was younger, I was too concerned with performance, their pleasure, etc. It was difficult to just focus on myself until I was with the right guy... and a guy who could last in bed long enough for me to get there.

Not sure if that helps you, but just my experience!! I even saw a sex therapist once, and his number one advice was STOP masturbating, STOP using any toys, just focus on sex and using my / his hands during sex until my body got so frustrated without orgasms it learned to respond.

[-] Elysseia 3 Points about a year ago

Well, I don't know if it's of much use to you, but I've had a few partners too and I've never been able to come when they touched me. I only come if we're doing a position where I can touch myself. For me, I think it's because I can't relax if they're focusing on me, like they are expecting me to come fast. Add that to them applying too much pressure, or me being too sensitive or ticklish, and it's impossible. But my current partner makes sure to get me into a position where I can do it myself (usually missionary) and I come first, and then he finishes in whatever position he likes. Maybe that could be a solution for you, I know it's been for us.

[-] theredpillwoman- 2 Points about a year ago

I'm the same way, except I don't use a vibrator, just a dildo. And I must have clitoral stimulation. There's no way for me to climax without it. I also have had very few partners, and I guess the lack of experience is why I can't give directions? I can't tell them what I need because I barely know. I do enjoy the sex tremendously, even without orgasm. But I'm pretty sure my man takes it personally. Even though no one has ever made me climax by themselves. Is orgasm without clitoral stimulation even possible?

[-] Hannelore010 2 Points about a year ago

A lot of good advice here, but sometimes it’s just your physiology and where the clit is, size of pubic bones, etc.Being really fit helps, but sometimes there needs to be manual help during penetration no matter what. No big deal about missing s particular supposed “ideal” experience of hands free orgasm. I love my husband’s body and he loves mine, and we both know the various recipes to get the other to orgasm (and I’m sure will create/figure out more as our bodies change and age)

[-] Spazzy19 1 Point about a year ago

Mine was always psychological. In my marriage it never happened because I wasn’t having needs met so I’d masturbate after he got off and went elsewhere.

In my next relationship it took me quite awhile (about 6-7 months) to get comfortable being with a new partner after having been with someone for 12 years. I also had divorce stress/grief and an injury I was coping with at the same time. It didn’t help that he, like in your situation, told me his previous partners always got off. He took it personally that he couldn’t get me to orgasm just on his own and struggled with me participating by touching myself during intercourse. I had a higher libido than him and always wanted to enjoy each other, too. He blamed my vibrator, but I don’t think that was the primary cause.

My SO now LOVES the fact I participate because he doesn’t feel all the pressure on him to make me orgasm. It’s a much better flow of energy and enjoyment. And now I typically generally orgasm from oral which is a new experience for me. It still won’t work if I have things on my mind or there’s music with lyrics in the background, but I still enjoy it immensely and I’ll just communicate to him after a bit that it’s just not going to happen that way. Then we proceed to both orgasm in other ways.

[-] 3rd_viewpoint 1 Point about a year ago

fear of being similarly pumped and dumped, which I suspect could make it harder than it already is to orgasm.

Adrenaline makes it impossible to relax, this makes it difficult to orgasm.

On the contrary I am able to orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I have a high libido and masturbate daily

This may be a problem. No man can stimulate to you with the intensity of a vibrator. You may simply be conditioning your nervous system to respond only to strong stimuli. Stop using a vibrator. And see what happens.

[-] Cloud_Riverdale 1 Point about a year ago

Um, I'm going to chime in and say the vibrator has made it hard (hehe) for you to orgasm to regular sex. Quite using it, it is literally numbing your vagina.

[-] [deleted] about a year ago
[-] merel-- 1 Point about a year ago

Toss the vibrator and experience what feels good with your own two hands. If something feels very very good teach your partner that. I also had alot of trouble with reaching orgasm until I met an absolute sex god who taught me how I needed to be touched, but you don't need someone else to learn that. Just expirement! without a vibrator.

[-] [deleted] about a year ago
[-] LateralThinker13 1 Point about a year ago

Test if it's psychological. I had a partner many years ago who could not come on her back, she had to be on top (psych issues). I kept working at it until she could.

I'd recommend that you find a good position and go for it with your partner, but use the vibrator at the same time. If you can't finish while he's also doing you, then you have a psych issue you need to work on. If you can, it's something else... or it's manageable. And once you have for the first time, following times are much easier.

Also, quit using it when not with him (at least for now). Porn/toys can spoil your sex drive/desire/ability as well, they don't just mess with men.

Finally, do you have trust issues? A cheater as your first will definitely hurt your ability to relax enough to climax.