26F. And I think I have a developed an unhealthy attitude towards sex and relationships that has me worrying. Often I am not able to stop the self talk I have with myself which brings me down.
Around a year ago I was a high sex drive woman, with a man I loved and a relationship I was so proud of. Then things took a U turn, just like in my previous relationships, my then relationship went downhill. This has happened for the third time in my life.
Often times I am just feeding myself the destruction it causes due to enjoying sex. I feel attached, I fall in love, my life screws up because I think of my partners all the time, I want to cook for them, spend time with them, laugh with them....yada-yada!
While, the people I have been with have never really loved me, or even gotten me a flower or a small gift. When things got over, they have taken a fraction of time to get over me. Sex for them was so causal.I was so casual for them! It surprises me, how the woman they once held in their arms was so casually discarded by them.
What right do I have to enjoy sex when I am just a casual commodity in sex. These were the people who told me they want ‘love’, they want ‘relationship’. Inevitably I thought that since they are telling me, and we are dating, I assumed that they mean that they want a relationship with me, they want to love me.
Maybe I haven’t met the right person, but guess what I have never even seen a man around me who wants a relationship. I see people around me in relationships, and I have no idea how they even made it this far when all I have always been in my life was in the grey area.
I just don’t understand men, and I feel cursed as living heterosexual woman that I can’t even say NO to men and relationships, cause I want to love someone but I feel men just want sex. Although Reddit just like the rest to the world keeps saying “there are plenty of men around who want relationships”, I wonder why have I been only been ‘casual lay’ for all these men who proclaimed in the beginning they are looking for their ‘Queen’
Although I am sexually inactive, my sexual drive has gone down. I feel like I wouldn’t touch anyone nor let anyone touch me. Sex, or even any form of touch for that matter is too risky. I feel especially scared of a man I start liking.
I don’t know what was my fault. Sure I could be slimmer (I am slim, but I can lose even more weight), earn more money, have more achievements. Is improvement in these areas what it takes to have a loving relationship? Otherwise, I did enough from my side by cooking food for my former boyfriends and being generous when it came to sex, also I was present when life was low for them and they needed emotional support.
I feel so dark and I helpless. Sorry if this was a long post, I just wish I could speak to someone.
Tl;Dr - I loved men who didn’t love me back. I feel no man wants a relationship, no man wants to love.