I am afraid that I may be over-investing myself in him and i am sure it’s affecting the way I treat him and our relationship.

To be fair, he did tell me this in advance but he never got back to me with a different date to celebrate it belated. I am disappointed by his lack of effort; however I know he’s going through a tough time with his studies.

Thank you for mentioning this.

Hi there, those are very fair points that you have raised.

1. I would like to clarify that it’s not so much the ideal amount of time I need him to spend with me ; I am an introvert and am happy to be spending time alone by myself. I guess it’s a lot more about being insecure and needing reassurance that he’s unable to provide due to his busyness as well. I have recognized this and will move towards improving myself to get better.

2. I am really quite amazed that you are able to guess that I did do something that made him distance himself. I suppose it was as much as a gradual process of us growing apart and my fault for going crazy on him with my insecurities at the start. I couldn’t trust him to be reliable because of my past and he couldn’t quite handle my outbursts with so much stress already in his life. About the cutting our communication to non existent levels, I have just done that very recently and he reacted quite positively sending me a goodnight message and expressing love hence I am sure I’m not just his part time girlfriend. But whether he sees me as marriage material, that’s a different story. But I’m alright with that as my focus now is becoming the best version of myself and bringing that to the relationship. Whether he wants to marry me or not is up to him; I realize I can’t control that. I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind about cutting my losses if I can see this going nowhere. Thank you for taking the time to comment :)

Writing this down to remind myself! Thank you Aragorn’s wifey!

Thank you, I just did that today after reading your comment and pondering over it and already there has been a very positive response from him :)

I have unfortunately made the mistake of making it all about me in the past and you’re right, I am in some way forcing myself into his life. As mentioned in the previous replies, I will start focusing on myself and my life so that I can be 1) a valuable addition to my partner and more importantly, 2) better myself and quality of my life.

Hi, for now I would mostly head over to his place and accompany him when he needs a break from his studies and tells me so. I express my love and desire for him whenever I can and before I started working, I would surprise him in school with his favorite beer or food he likes to eat.

Is there a point I’m missing? Should I be focusing on what I can do for him instead of trying to determine whether I’m being short changed? I do feel quite lonely and alone sometimes as he is really quite busy and don’t have extra time for dates outside. We usually just chill at his place and watch YouTube videos while eating chips as that’s his favorite downtime activity to do.

I do agree with you that I want a man with a great career and an ambition. And of course it will require sacrifices on my part, this too I understand.

However, I dare say a man who is blind to everything else but his career isn’t what I want. I would not be happy living in a mansion with 3 kids not having a worry about our finances, if my husband is too busy to be emotionally present with my children and treats me like I’m invisible. That is perhaps my greatest worry when I posted and unconsciously hinted “workaholic” being something like a bad trait to have. I hope you understand more of where I’m coming from and I hope this doesn’t sound too anti-RWP.

That being said, I do appreciate your comment as it has pushed me to reflect on what I want in a relationship and I’m grateful that you took the time to advise me.

After reading your comment, I realized that what you said is probably why he is pissed at me. The part about forcibly inserting myself raising expectations during his busy period is absolutely true.

I am now following your (and some of the commenters’) advice and leaving him alone to deal with his studies. Practicing STFU has helped a lot too. I now use my time to re-evaluate and reflect upon our relationship and I do still want the relationship at this point.

If you don’t mind elaborating, could you go into a little of specifics on how I can show him I’m marriage material? What kind of things should I be doing? Perhaps cooking more often for him?

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment here. I will keep my nonsense and drama in to the best of ability and behave appropriately as someone who wants to be on his team and not against him.

Hi there, I was pleasantly surprised after reading your comment as it really introduced a new perspective when I think about him and his work.

My current boyfriend has emphasized a few times to me that his studies are really important to him and I am honestly ashamed to say that while I respect him prioritizing his studies, I was unaware of the extent of how the success of his work would affect his perception of himself.

I will keep your advice in mind and take a bigger step towards being a 100% positive, encouraging and supportive girlfriend.

Just one last question: I understand that his work is his life’s greatest mission now. However, I do not wish to end up like my mum in the sense that my dad is hardly emotionally and physically present at home due to the nature of his work. (He flys really often for business ventures and meetings) I will say that the situation is almost as if my mum brought us up herself and I do feel that she is quite lonely and feels alone most of the time. Do you have some advice as to how I can avoid such a situation in the future while being really positive about my boyfriend’s mission in life?

I’m honestly ashamed to say that the topic of our arguments surrounds his lack of time and his disappearing act where he doesn’t text me back for days. The bulk of our arguments was at the start; more recently, it is over his rudeness towards me when he loses his temper (regardless of whether I caused it or not). I do understand now after reading the comments that it was wrong on my part.

Thank you for reminding me I need to STFU sometimes and that I should phrase things positively always. I used to do that in the past, asking if he wants me to bring over his favourite food or beer but I’ve been turned down so many times that I just don’t do it anymore. I’m definitely writing your comment down to work on it! I will also be looking for other activities so that I don’t dump all my emotional needs on him.

Thank you for your really solid and helpful advice. I will implement that straight away and keep a reminder in my phone every time I feel like I need attention from him for the sake of it.

I feel that you have spoken how I truly felt during the past month and sometimes it does feel like I’m trying too hard to be accommodating to his needs.

However, after considering the comments posted here, I am afraid that I have not been my best self in this relationship and I hope to give it more time to see if my own changes will affect my perception of this relationship and improve it.

That being said, if I still feel that our relationship is heavily skewed towards making everything convenient only for him (without adequate reciprocation) despite me making superb changes, your best friend’s quote is likely to ring the warning bells in my head.

Thank you for your advice! I am more or less over what my ex did to me; however I do feel that I have to sort my fear of being “too understanding” with a partner that I neglect my own needs. I am going on a trip with him in the next month and am hoping that it will be able to help us heal my insecure outbursts in the past.

I will definitely check out the book you mentioned :) thanks again!

Hi, thank you for taking the time to give me advice seriously. I really do appreciate it.

Perhaps there are some important details that I left out. I am left quite an anxious and insecure individual because of the way my ex treated me in the past; my ex had a very bad temper and would often swear at me and hit me when he was unhappy. I am also left with a fear that this would happen again and I would end up trying to justify his physical abuse and nasty behaviors all over again. There is one time my current boyfriend swore at me and shouted at me, acting in the same sarcastic manner as my ex and ever since, I think a part of me became worried I was yet again falling for another abuser to-be.

About the blocking part, I am indeed guilty of reacting in anger when he texted me suddenly saying he would block me if I gave him drama. I will take note of this part where I minimize his feelings unknowingly.

Contrary to what you think about not taking his studies seriously, I actually do. I have helped him out with many of his school projects (while juggling my own work) and I know he appreciates it as well. He has mentioned loving that i help him with his presentation slides (I do design) especially when he feels too tired to face it anymore. He works really hard everyday and has sacrificed his health on many occasions to do well in his studies. I love that he is hardworking; I am just concerned of the robot he becomes when he’s deep in stress. He barely eats and sleeps when he’s in the zone; he has developed some health issues because of his perfectionist nature towards his work. I do give him space to do his work and whenever he feels troubled or tired, he would call me and I would make sure I am there for him when he needs me.

However you did raise some points that got me thinking. He dated this ex that I truly feel inferior to. Previously in a drunken state, he mentioned that she was almost everything he wanted and a 9/10 bombshell. She is quite different from me in the sense that I am more friendly and girl next door, while this ex is hot, witty and confident. I think I may be suffering from this inferiority issue as I’m not really “his type”. I feel somehow that he made a mistake dating me and this issue may have been influencing me to think that I have to make all the right moves so that he may consider me as a wife.

Thank you for enlightening me to the fact that I am developing the wrong attitude towards dating. I will rethink my whole mentality to shift towards what I can do for him instead of the needs that he’s not satisfying.

Thank you, I am ever so grateful that you have kindly put aside some of your precious time to give me some advice.

I have to say that your comment really struck a chord with me and it was so personalized that I can’t help but feel you have been through something similar. I underestimated the time needed to heal from a past like that and both my projections on him as well as the lack of a sense of security have been affecting our relationship much more than I previously thought. To be frank, I have zero confidence in my ability to recognize and protect myself from mental or physical abuse thus I started overcompensating it by calling all his bad behavior out often and without holding back or consideration of circumstances. Thank you so much for enlightening me possibly the root problem and my inability to submit to him at times. I have written your comment down and am going to start planning on tackling my self worth and confidence issues.

As for the second point, I do agree that I need to bring this up with him. I have thought about it and I figured that our vacation together would be the best time to do it. I will be sure to not offer a solution and let him decide how best to handle this “problem”.

Last but not least, thank you for your kind reminder that it is okay for me to set a bar of how I want to be treated. I alternate between giving too much and demanding too much so often that I forget that. I used to be so afraid of bringing up issues with my ex that I clamped down on all my needs and wants. It’s time I remember that it’s alright to ask as long as it’s reasonable and done in a proper way and that my current boyfriend may not react the same way as my ex.

All the best for your master’s!