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- Hide Preview | 31 Comments | submitted 9 months ago by LaneysWorld2 [Post Locked]

Is there any piece of advice you value very much or even gave to your own daughter or other young girls in your family?

What are the most important lessons to teach a daughter when she is growing up, especially concerning relationships/marriage and how to live a fulfilled life by embracing femininity?

[-] EmotionalSupportRat 42 Points 9 months ago

I shared this advice/quote here before, but I love it so much:

Highschool is for meeting your bridesmaids, not your groom.

It's brilliant advise imho. I hate young girls getting too high on love and too invested in romantic love, before their brains have actually fully developed. It's cringy, it too often has codependent tendencies...and it happens a lot of times.

It's much better to focus on friendship and interests, developing oneself, rather than playing wifey from 16-23 (in worse cases even way longer)...and then be extremely disillusioned and heartbroken.

[-] BlueButterfly77 7 Points 9 months ago

It's probably a good thing I'm not in charge because people would have to be 25 to do ANYTHING since the reasoning part of the brain isn't fully developed until then!

[-] EmotionalSupportRat 2 Points 9 months ago

Lol you are right, I know.....but I am also aware of the fact that you unfortunately cannot control your kids (then already grownups) to that extent.

[-] BlueButterfly77 2 Points 9 months ago

Hard truth right there!! Lol!

[-] girlwithabike 34 Points 9 months ago

From Mom: You know your husband very well and that means you know just what to say to hurt him beyond belief. No matter how angry you might be, never say anything you cannot take back.

Also: You need to be with a man who is smarter than you. I'm not sure how universal that advice is but I will certainly be passing it down.

From Mommom: Make sure the man you marry gives you butterflies. Even after 50 years, your grandfather gives me butterflies and you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't.

What I will tell my daughter: You need to be loved, but you need to be with a man who you respect. You cannot have a healthy long term relationship with a man unless you respect him first.

[-] RainbowKitty77 6 Points 9 months ago

I love the butterfly one. Too many people think they SHOULD go away.

[-] Guywithgirlwithabike 5 Points 9 months ago

It's an easy one to manage, too. I just keep the fridge stocked with food that gives her indigestion.

[-] BlueButterfly77 1 Point 9 months ago

????????

[-] girlwithabike 4 Points 9 months ago

That conversation was one of the nails in the coffin of my first relationship. I used to believe that it was natural that it went away once you had been with someone long enough. When she told me that, I realized that I loved my ex (and he still holds a place in my heart) but was never passionate or "in love" with him in a way that would sustain us over decades.

[-] LaneysWorld2 3 Points 9 months ago

Thank you very much! What are the reasons for a woman to seek a man who is smarter than her? And how much smarter should he be? I have an idea but would like to hear it from you! :)

[-] girlwithabike 15 Points 9 months ago

Like I said, I don't know how universal that part is. My mother thought that was good advice for me. She believed I'd walk all over a man who wasn't at least a little bit smarter than I was. Intelligence is something I've always been attracted to so there was little to no chance I'd have tolerated a man who wasn't up to a certain level anyway.

When we talk about women 'marrying up' that is the area that I went 'up' with.

[-] WonderfulandValuable 2 Points 9 months ago

My Mother advised against marrying someone who is smarter then I - she unfortunately knows too much knowledge can make men arrogant peacocks.

[-] girlwithabike 3 Points 9 months ago

That's an interesting observation but it doesn't fit with my own personal experiences. To each her own!

My husband is brilliant and I love smart men. My gay BFF is a voracious reader with impeccable recall. I could (and do) listen to them for hours. Even if the topic doesn't interest me, the depth and application of knowledge is always impressive. If I thought my husband was my equal (or certainly if I thought him lesser), I'm not sure I'd respect his judgement when we disagree enough to set aside my own. As it stands, that was something I struggled with for a long time. I have yet to regret choosing a man with more brains than I.

OTOH, I'm probably a little quicker than my boss (pregnancy brain notwithstanding). While I respect him immensely as a boss and a man, I find that I have to tone myself down with him at times which always feels awkward to me (he's claimed to have looked up words that I use and it is so uncomfortable whenever he says it). I can maintain a working relationship long term with him because he's older and I respect the business and the family that he has built. I would have struggled with it if we were peers and dating.

But again, this is me and my own preferences. It's something I'll pass on to my daughter because she will be my daughter. It's not that I don't believe you can have a good relationship with a man if you are the quicker of the two of you. It just depends on what you both bring to the table and what is important to you.

[-] WonderfulandValuable 5 Points 9 months ago

I was raised to value knowledge. To obtain it for myself and the benefit of others. IF a man is too insecure to accept I may be more knowledgable then him it is not my fault. Why do we women have to tone down? Why do we make ourselves weaker then we are? These are questions I ask myself more and more.

[-] girlwithabike 8 Points 9 months ago

IF a man is too insecure to accept I may be more knowledgable then him it is not my fault.

This is a jump in logic that you are making. Just because someone else is smarter than I am, does not mean I do not value knowledge. But perhaps what I'm saying comes across as uncharitable towards these men. We have different strengths and different areas of interest. While he respects me for my math degree, it doesn't denigrate what I've accomplished to acknowledge that as an engineer, his math skills far surpass mine.

And he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't up to a certain level. Outside of a 30 point IQ difference, communication between people is difficult because you do not share a frame of reference. He was never going to wife up a dumb girl who he couldn't talk to.

Further, my boss is not the one who is uncomfortable with my level of intelligence. I am uncomfortable when he discusses it with clients. I'm an asset to his practice. He's a phenomenal mentor and certainly doesn't ask me to limit myself. However, I accomplish nothing if I try to talk to him about topics he's not interested in, or flaunt subject matter where I have a greater knowledge base. If he has to look up the words that I use (something he also does with his wife) then I'm communicating poorly. He is simply not what I'd want in a life partner.

Why do we women have to tone down?

Because discretion is the better part of valor. I tone down with many people. This isn't about me being a woman. I tone down with my sister and brother because they make fun of me for using big words. I tone way down with one female friend because otherwise I feel like I'm talking over her head. I tone down with certain clients in order to make concepts clear so I can educate them to make informed decisions. Flaunting your intelligence is for the insecure. It's a strength to be able to talk to many people in many life situations.

The assumptions of weakness you are making are akin to claiming that femininity is weak because it's not masculinity. I strive to be a pleasant person and put anyone I am with at ease. This doesn't mean I giggle and get stupid. It means that I talk to a person and not over them. I don't pretend to lack knowledge, but I don't data dump on someone because I know more than they do. I don't jump to get a word in to prove I have something to say. I don't assume that I know best in every situation or that my IQ outranks someone's experiences.

And the benefit I get from that is a happy life. I have a husband and a boss who want to take care of me AND I am able to contribute positively to both of their lives.

While most women have to worry about how to handle the birth of a child, I'm getting as much time off fully paid as I want to take (incredibly uncommon in the US) and a nursery in my office when I return to work so I can keep my child with me. Because my contributions to the business have also been positive, I received a very nice raise (unasked for) to help me with the additional cost of a child. This is all because he wants to take care of me as a woman.

Because I married an intelligent and motivated man, I never worry about him being out of work. He's always found a job as soon as he decided to look for one. He's built up such an impressive resume that even if we fall on hard times it will never be for so long that I can't pick up the slack. Our family will never want.

Anyone who views my choices as weak is as foolish as the women who think submission makes you lesser. My deployment of femininity is strategic. Everything I chose is to give me and those around me the best life possible. My brains are for my use, not to display to others.

[-] aussiedollface2 3 Points 9 months ago

I totally agree. Intelligent men are amazing and well-placed to lead a marriage!

[-] Guywithgirlwithabike 3 Points 9 months ago

Arrogant peacocks need love too.

[-] [deleted] 11 Points 9 months ago

My oldest daughter is 13 and not at all interested in marriage or children (which is fine for her age) but very interested in dating though she is not allowed to yet. However I know that she still flirts with and interacts with boys at school and we have a very open line of communication and a great relationship. My advice to her is to not try so hard to be one of the boys, cussing and needing to constantly one up or shit talk them. It's not cute. And to value female friendship. I want her to realize that every girl who says "I'm not like most girls. I get along better with boys. I dont like most other girls" is actually the rule, not the exception to the rule. And that being socially flexible and not confining yourself to one group or click is valuable in life and attractive to everyone. Last year she went through an anti social trying to be goth phase (I was extremely goth as a teen and also a hot mess). I threw out so many pieces of clothing it was insane. I just didn't want her to pigeon hole herself the way I did. Shes since come out of it and blossomed into a cute skater girl and stopped judging people for not being cool enough or "one of the evil popular girls" without even giving them a chance. She has a wider social circle and is so much happier. So I feel good about that. There will be so much more as she grows older I'm sure and honestly i can't wait to be there for her to help her navigate love when she needs an ear and some advice.

[-] perkysue 11 Points 9 months ago

To marry a quality man you have to be a quality woman. Have skills and earn your own money prior to marriage. Act with dignity.

[-] Mrganack 10 Points 9 months ago

Having passions and wide interests and having a low n-count both increase a women's value in the eyes of men.

[-] durtyknees 7 Points 9 months ago

The advice you've posted in a different thread are things that, when put into practice, have consistently produced ideal results (inspire commitment by maintaining heightened emotional connection and sexual excitement almost indefinitely) in my experience, and I think it's great (albeit not RPW-typical) advice for any woman who could resonate with it.

I hope you don't mind me quoting what you said here, so others reading this thread may benefit from your post that they may have missed in the other thread:

Every smart man knows that sex is mostly worthless and easy to get and looks fade, and in their eyes most women have nothing of value to bring to the table when you remove the sex. So for them, personality is a lot more important.

Mostly what men are impressed by is a woman that is curious like man. Curiosity, and the extremely diverse interests that men generally have make for deep, lasting and respectful friendships and conversations. The incredible connection of man to man friendship is the feeling that men want and look for the most, and what gives them the deepest satisfactions in life.

Source

.

Having "masculine" interests does not make a woman "masculine", as long as she embraces her natural feminine instincts and inclinations.


@OP:

Is there any piece of advice you value very much

The only advice an adult (a school teacher) gave me when I was a child, that significantly benefited me when I took it to heart, is the classic Francis Bacon cheese: "knowledge is power".

I had to find my own answers (derived from attentive listening to older people whom I respect) growing up in the 90s, so I haven't received any non-cheesy advice to pass on. I'd probably be the worst kind of parent, saying things like: "Trust no one, and find your own answers."

[-] classylassy28 9 Points 9 months ago

To take pride in her body (temple) work out for your health, take pride in your looks always. Skin Care skin Care skin care! Party and make friends young but be safe and smart. Healthy eating and how to cook (basics even my boys are learning) Discover your passions and interests, never let them die. Always have a career and/or schooling to fall back on, keep it up to date. Don't play housewife until he is the one for sure, you can cook/clean and do nice things but not 24/7. Be Brutally honest about life and let her know about sex and how to have a low partner count and only have it when it's a LTR with meaning. Sex is love, if you want to orgasm use a vibrator instead of one night stands lol. To be open and try new things with your partner. Always stand up for your beliefs. Kind of over the top but the best advice for women is to always be enthusiastic and put in 90% or more into your lovemaking and read read read to learn things!

Life is about learning and growing! You need to be complete and whole on your own and life will be enjoyable.

Drink one glass of water after every alcoholic beverage and you'll always feel good in the am and not get to drunk lol.

Try everything you can to fix any problem before you walk away, our culture now is a throwaway mindset. Very sad and need changing.

Also I have a collection of non fiction and fiction books to pass down when the right age comes.

[-] queenofsass7 9 Points 9 months ago

My mom said this to me. Everyone has some amount of bad/negatives in them and that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. In a relationship/marriage look at all the good things your partner does for you and focus on the positives and try to overlook the negatives (given the negatives are not too bad ) For example: my dad is a wonderful man and he supported my moms entrepreneurial dreams, took us on lot of international vacations, provided for us in all ways, been an amazing dad, has been a very good loyal husband but doesn’t do any house chores at all. She says she focuses on how supportive and loyal he is rather than him not helping her around the house.

Don’t know if it makes sense or if I put it the right way but I think it was really good advise to me.

[-] girlwithabike 9 Points 9 months ago

Your mom is wise.

I think it applies to all of life, not just relationships. There are trade offs to everything. You might have a really flexible job but a terrible boss. Dealing with the boss is the payment for the flexibility. Or you might have a beautiful big old house, but the price you pay is the constant repairs and the price to heat it. Nothing is perfect and if you focus on what is bad in a situation, you won't be able to be happy.

It's also important to remember that everyone has these tradeoffs. When you start to envy someone with a seemingly perfect husband, job, house, children, clothes, life... remember there is something she is giving up to have those things or some negative that goes along with the positive.

A 'perfect' life is one where the benefits outweigh the costs in your eyes.

[-] suzannehatton 1 Point 9 months ago

Lovely comment, very wise xx

[-] Zegiknie 8 Points 9 months ago

I'm not sure yet if speeches and one-liners really do much good. Things that helped me most on my way:

  1. As a bratty pre-teen, I tried to get my brother to bring me tea and said "I bet (his friend) would bring HIS sister tea!". He replied "I bet SHE would bring HIM tea". That changed me a lot.
  2. Also as a pre-teen, I used to get away with pretty much everything. At a game of beach volley I thought it was funny to hit every guy there in the head with the ball in turn. One did it back, and I figured maybe it wasn't actually that funny.
  3. Romance movies and soap operas. Most of the problems in them stemmed from lack of communication and honesty. Made me decide to be open in love, and that has been a great help.
  4. Simply observing happy people and trainwrecks, and drawing my own conclusions.
[-] aussiedollface2 8 Points 9 months ago

Great advice from everyone!

Just want to add, my grandmother told me to “always protect your reputation”. When you’re a young and attractive woman people will notice you and talk about you. So always behave like a lady, and be sure to defend and correct gossip as it occurs. A decent man doesn’t want a woman with a bad reputation, regardless or whether it’s true or not. xo

[-] ragnarockette 6 Points 9 months ago

My dad told me he wouldn't pay for my wedding until after I was 25. I will absolutely do the same for any kids I have.

[-] WonderfulandValuable 3 Points 9 months ago

- become the best you can be at a job you like (not necessarily love) and keep yourself current even while being a mother at home! (My Mothers advice to me)

- teach all your children how to operate a household! Take extra time to teach your girls all your secret tipps too. (I heard that one from my Aunt who has 3 boys)

- read, read, read

-

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 9 months ago

I watched "teen mom" and "Pregnant and 16" TV docu-dramas with my girls. I tell them no young teen boy is going to stay around under these circumstances, as they are not even a man yet. I point out how horrible and tough it is to be a single mom. These girls on the TV shows have it good for TV, but in real-life it's much harder. My girls hate those shows now.

I also tell them, that I don't want them to date, as they are too young. They see all of the ridiculous pre-teen and teen drama of dating at such a young age. This has helped them deal with peer-pressure to date, as they can just blame me for not dating.

When they do start dating they know that if I don't like their boyfriend that they will have to stop seeing him. They have never asked what criteria would disqualifying, and I have never told them any either.

I have told them from very young that being married is the only fair and respectable way to raise kids, as kids need a father and mother in their lives. Every time they talk about having kids, they make sure to add on a tag line of "when we are married..", if I'm around.

[-] AnarchoNAP 2 Points 9 months ago

If I could go back and talk to myself:

Don’t worry about being as good as a man. Worry about being a good woman.

Along those lines, don’t over-invest in a career you will walk away from anyway.

I wish I had the faintest idea what a healthy diet looked like.

If a man likes you, he will tell you. If he isn’t telling you, leave. He won’t change his mind.

Don’t worry that you’re not dating until the men are serious. Being experienced in failing won’t help you with succeeding.