I personally do not think that Myer Briggs 16 personalities are set in stone, I think it's it much more complex than that. That being said, I have always checked out as an INTJ and reading about INTJ personality traits is like reading my own personal manual about me and myself.
For those who are aware about this personality you may understand where I am going with this. I have a lot of feelings, but I am terrible at expressing them and/or understand them. I know happy, sad, angry, but that's kind of it. I get really emotional connected to a few people, and they get all my attention, the only problem is that it's hard for me to show them my feelings for them.
I understand now that this is a big problem for me when dating. I have written about this man I dated for some time, he felt really insecure about me because he thought I was only playing with him. Everything I said and did was perfect for him, and true from me of course, and I actually thought that I had made it pretty clear about how I felt for him, but that was not the case... He actually told me that he felt like I was playing this perfect girl to make him fall in love with me, but that it was just a game for me because me emotions didn't show the same as my words and my actions. He said he put up a wall to distance himself from his emotions, he liked being with me and joined in on the game he thought I was playing. But I am actually madly in love with him, and ruined everything...
We are going to meet next week and talk about things, but I am afraid it's too late. But I want to change no matter what happens. I also understand that being too out of touch with my own feelings and being too analytic and logical are not very feminine traits.
ElfFey 7y ago
What is his personality type?
I'm an INTP, i have to say, you INTJs have taken over reddit haha. Anyway, i think the myers briggs is good for analysis, but it's pretty useless in practice. It's not going to tell you anything you don't know about yourself or anything you'll be able to change. I love it and i love using it, but I'm concerned that you seem to be blaming yourself a little bit for things you will probably never change about yourself--for example, you'll never be good at feeling and expressing emotion. But this is a moot point because many men will feel refreshed by this quality, not turned off or view you as untrustworthy for it.
It sounds to me like he just might not be ready for a relationship, so he is twisting this around on you because who wants to admit that they let the "perfect" girl go due to their own fears?
If i were you i would be very willing to walk away with my head held high. There is NOTHING wrong with you. If he loves you, he'll chase.
Kiivaa 7y ago
No idea, some kind of extrovert at least, follow emotions, but very intellectual.
You are probably right, but I think I could be a tiny bit better at showing and understanding my emotions at least. When my emotions gets too strong they get out, but without me understanding them before later on when I have time to analyse... And I feel like that's is some of the problem here too and why I blame myself, I mean, now in hindsight I see how I have acted in ways I shouldn't have.
I think not being too emotional is a good thing, I like that about myself, I have some girlfriends that gets overemotional over tiny stupid things. But I think I need to be better at voicing my emotions maybe, not showing them, but at least let other know how I feel.
Thank you, you are right. I can't beg him to want me, if he wants me he will try to get me, if not, his feelings aren't strong enough anyway.
Noramia 7y ago
I wish to add a bit to the psychology aspect of this discussion.
I suggest you shouldn't get too bogged down by the "INTJ" result as the Myers-Briggs test has been subject to much criticism in academic circles. Today, personality psychologists typically use the five factor model. To shed a bit more light to your own personality, I suggest you take a test for the Big 5 traits instead. You can take a free questionnaire here.
http://www.personal.psu.edu/~j5j/IPIP/
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Kiivaa 7y ago
I kind of ruined everything this time. I know I should be who I am, but I think I wasn't ready to meet someone yet. It was my first experience with dating (I have an ex, but we met in high school and sort of just became girlfriend/boyfriend) and I fumbled in the dark, did the push/pull thing and acted and said things that didn't make sense, I don't know. I was terrified of my own feelings and felt really insecure, didn't do any of that on purpose, but tried to protect myself I guess by making distance, but at the same time wanting to be close to him.
I have learned a lot from this experience though, I see my faults, he had problems too, but I did a lot wrong. But as you say, I can only change for my self.
UnrefinedFacade 7y ago
I have found the types to be generally accurate and descriptive, but you are right that they aren't set in stone. I am INFJ and have a very difficult time trusting others enough to open up. Even my husband (after 6 years together) says I can come across as aloof and hard to read. Like INTJ is doesn't mean I don't feel; quite the contrary, I feel everything very strongly, but I don't let many people in. The only thing most of my friends and acquaintances see is the type A facade I wear to cope with anxiety and insecurities. I am working on this, but it is difficult to retrain my brain when things like this are so ingrained in my personality.
Maybe you could try to be more up front about your personality and how you manage your emotions in the future. Or find a way to share your emotions in a more structured and logical way? I am not sure what that would be, but I've found I am much better at communicating via letter or even email than I am in a conversation with someone I love. Obviously that won't help if you are dating someone who needs to hear how you feel in person and often, but maybe that should be part of your vetting process. Finding a partner who is able to communicate the way you do to avoid issues like this in the future.
Kiivaa 7y ago
That's how it is for me too, I have a lot of feelings and very strong feelings too, I just don't know what to do with them. I am actually very vulnerable and innocent, but at the same time I like to figure out everything on my own and have a hard time letting other people in. My ex was a bit more like my in terms of feelings, but he neither understood his feeling or knew how to show them, that didn't work very well either. :p
I am too much better at communicating my feelings in written form, but I get very embarrassed when the other person reads it though, it feels weird handing someone a letter about my personal feelings. I'ts better than nothing though, and I should also try to tell "them" that I'm not really good with feelings, but that I really like them and so on.
Willow-girl 7y ago
I'm sorry to say this, but his excuse has a whiff of the bullshit to me. He broke up with you because you're too perfect? Really? Most times when a guy breaks up with a girl or won't commit, it's because he secretly thinks he can do better. He generally won't tell you that, though, but will try to let you down easy by coming up with something more palatable.
Don't beat yourself up over this or think you're somehow flawed unless this is a pattern that has been repeated over multiple relationships. Just accept that he isn't the right guy for you and move on. Believe me, there are plenty of men who will be happy to be in a drama-free relationship!
Kiivaa 7y ago
Well we haven't broken up exactly. He still wants to be with me, but feels like he can't trust me...(Edit: He also said that no one has ever treated him like I do, and that it really confuses him. The feminist force is strong within this country :p ) Or that is what he said at least. But you are right, I should try to move on.
Anyway, it's not really about him, because it is a problem in all my (few) close relationships. My two best friends have commented on it many times, that they feel like they share everything with me, but that they don't really know me. That I am very supporting and would do anything for them, but that they never can do anything for me and so on. I do have a lot of emotions, and sometimes very strong, especially for those I care about, but I have a hard time to understand my feelings and show them in a real way. A very stupid example, but let say someone gave me the most beautiful gift, I would feel very happy and grateful, but I would only smile and say thank you, I would not be jumping of joy, even though that is how I would feel on the inside.
[deleted] 7y ago
My ex was an INTJ and I (if you're familiar with the other personalities) am an ENFP. So I'm very very emotionally expressive and he is not. At first it seriously bothered me but the more I came to understand him the more I began to learn how to see where he expressed his emotions, it was usually subtle little things but they would just melt me to the core because I knew how much he was really saying in those small little actions. I would advise sitting down and just telling him honestly (INTJs are phenomenal at telling it how it is) that you do care about him very much but you just aren't a very emotionally expressive person and you show it differently. After that it's on him, the right guy will want to be with YOU, the best version of you yes, but YOU.
testmypatience 7y ago
Nun mode. LOL
Kiivaa 7y ago
Haha :D
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Kiivaa 7y ago
He has trust issues from his last relationship, so it's not completely my fault at least. :)
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xBreakFreex 7y ago
My partner and I are both INTJ so we understand each other quite well, in that we're able to be more vulnerable with each other from this understanding. You need to practice being vulnerable, opening up. Visualise situations in your head and play them out. Then implement it in real life. It may feel like acting at first but it will start to come naturally.
Kiivaa 7y ago
Thank you! I have tried to implement that in my life recently. Been practicing on my friends and my sister whom I am very close to. I'm not sure if I would be a good match with another INTJ though, because I am very shy and introverted, and are usually attracted to more extroverted guys.