I'm sort of new to this sub so please correct me anywhere nessasary.
The situation; I've been seeing someone for the past few months, but nothing serious. I probably slept with him too soon, okay I definitely slept with him too soon but he seemed to want more from it than what it is now. I know that he has been seeing other women but he has constantly said that he would choose me over other women. The thing is he has been backing off from anything more serious, possibly because at the time we first started seeing eachother I was still hurt from a past relationship and had told another guy that wanted a relationship with me that I wasn't ready. Although it could just be that he is getting what he wants (and from multiple sources) so he is just telling me what I want to hear so he will continue to get it.
My problem; I want to see if a relationship with him is viable and find out if he is interested without getting straight into a relationship (or being an asshole about it).
How do I find out where I stand without fucking around, or should I just admit that I messed this up and move on?
filthscum 11y ago
GO! GO! GOOOOOOOOO!
You are NEVER a plate! You set your terms as a woman of value and you either accept congruient behavior or you stay a plate.
LifterofThings 11y ago
... wut? So you're dating and sleeping with people but want a relationship but don't want a relationship? I am so confuse.
If you're giving out the "I'm not ready for a relationship" vibe, either indirectly or directly, you will not be attracting the relationship-minded men. They will go "yay, an uncomplicated lay!"
... so my advice to you is to pause the dating for now and keep it in your pants if you don't want to be a plate. Break it off, work on yourself.
Marriedwithkidz 11y ago
Don't listen to what he says, look at his actions and decide from there. Actions speak volume about someone.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
The thing is his actions are conflicting. He will sleep with other girls then make sure I'm okay when I'm upset and buy me coffee when I've had a bad day.
Marriedwithkidz 11y ago
Conflicting how? You want a commitment right? Him sleeping with other plates shows he isn't ready to give it.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
So basically you're saying there isn't hope for this?
Marriedwithkidz 11y ago
Read what you wrote, you tell me.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
I think I slept with him because I believed that it would become more than what it is, and that I want the things he tells me to be true.
sierrasecho 11y ago
There is your mistake. You slept with him when you "believed" it could be more, not when you had an actual agreement to not see where it would go. Always get an agreement of exclusivity before you sleep with a man.
Marriedwithkidz 11y ago
Well now you know learn from it and move on.
TempestTcup 11y ago
This is standard procedure for men with plates; they like for their women to know when they are with other women so that they keep all the emotions high. When the plater keeps emotions high, the women bond better to him, and then compete for title of Main Plate.
You have to get out of this relationship NOW before you become an alpha widow, if you haven't already become one. He will NEVER be just yours; if you stay with him he will always be with other women.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
He didn't actually tell me that he was seeing anyone else, I found out because of a mutual friend.
TempestTcup 11y ago
Well, then you might have escaped alpha widowhood. This is a new relationship, you aren't married, there are no kids. Get out while you can or forever be a plate.
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TempestTcup 11y ago
I know a lot of plate spinning RP manosphere men IRL and this is how they spin plates. They keep them hooked and make them compete. They aren't looking for everlasting love and the plates aren't pure or anything; the plate spinners are spinning "reformed" sluts or current sluts. They aren't ruining nice girls.
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TempestTcup 11y ago
Too many undirected pronouns - I can't tell who you are talking about.
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TempestTcup 11y ago
That's why everyone here is telling her to move on. There is nothing for her in this relationship.
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StingrayVC 11y ago
It's time to move on. Learn from this and don't let yourself be a plate again.
[deleted] 11y ago
Break it off and don't contact him again if you don't want to be a plate. He's made it very clear by his actions that he doesn't plan to commit.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
Thanks, I think I knew this I just didn't want to believe it.
[deleted] 11y ago
A skilled player can make women believe all kinds of things.
Like this for example:
I'm sure he says that to every other woman too.
He saw that you didn't want anything serious and thought "great, free booty!" You set the tone, expectation, and gave him a free pass to your bedroom. Why should he sacrifice his freedom to give you commitment? So he can sleep with you? He's already doing that. You've made the 'jump' from dating to Significant Other status extremely difficult, and highly unlikely.
This is the most sensible thing you've said so far.
You know exactly where you stand already. He gets to sleep with you, he's not interested in an exclusive relationship. If he was, you'd be his girlfriend and not number two on his five partner rotation.
Cut you losses and run. Learn from your mistakes and don't make the same ones next time around.
TheTerrorSquad 11y ago
It's sad there are a lot of girls that post in your position and it's precisely why we advocate getting commitment first. You should chalk this up as a very good lesson to yourself.
Imagine if this guy wrote a field report of how he is spinning his plates. I'm sure he would commend himself on placating you just enough to keep you hooked.
I think you've lost your best hand at this point and I would say to him you're off because what you want is a monogamous relationship with someone and then just stop this. If I really liked someone I'd find it too humiliating knowing he's banging other women
Good luck
ThorsdaySaturnday 11y ago
He isn't interested in you for a gf. Cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of good men out there. You said that you are hurt from a past relationship, so spend time away from men, and go your own way for a while. This will give you time to learn from your mistakes, and improve yourself for next time.
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
I was actually having a break from men because of my past relationship, my ex and I actually talked about the things that went wrong in the relationship and I am now passed it. The current relationship started when I was still trying to break from everything, which is why I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, in hindsight I should have taken more time.
ThorsdaySaturnday 11y ago
I see. Hopefully you're not too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, and that's okay.
[deleted] 11y ago
Did you tell him YOU didn't want a relationship?
myfriendmarkus 11y ago
Originally I said that I wasn't ready for a relationship because I wasn't over the past. Later I told him I didn't want to fuck around and he backed off for a few days, then came back and we became closer (this was before I knew he was sleeping with other women) so I assumed that us getting closer ment he wanted the same thing.
Edit: at the time of that post I was being very irrational and over emotional.
[deleted] 11y ago
It's been two months, you aren't losing anything but your dignity at this point. Leave him and don't look back.
DevilishRogue 11y ago
ITT: A lot of bad advice. If you want to see if it is possible to be something other than a plate actually ask him before ditching things in. A simple "I like you but only want this to continue if we are exclusive, how do you feel about that?" is literally all it takes. If he says no, then move on by all means but at least give him the possibility to say yes if that is what you want.
TempestTcup 11y ago
He was seeing other women behind her back. He was already hiding it. Besides, they have only been together for two months, cut your losses and pick better in the future. Why waste more time on this guy?
TDCRedPill 11y ago
That's not a fair assessment. He hasn't been throwing it in her face, but there's no reason to assume he has lied or been deceptive about it. I don't bring it up with my FWBs, out of courtesy, simply because it hurts, even when you know it's part of the relationship. Rubbing others in her face is just impolite and rude.
To know for sure. To give him a chance to decide, rather than dropping a guy that likes her that has been following the commitments and boundaries SHE dictated. To speak like adults that her desires and needs have changed. To recognize that someone, that has been caring and respectful of commitment and even speaking up about it in the past (choosing her over other girls), may actually be a full human being and not some caricature of a boogeyman with no concept of love or commitment.
bad_daddy80 11y ago
ladies i don't understand this "agreement to be exclusive" prior to sex. If a woman isn't into me enough the first night i move on! i certainly wouldn't offer her a commitment, my fience and i had sex the first night we met and have now been exclusive for many months. don't cut contact before you say "I'd your not interested enough to be exclusive i'm out" or something to the effect, speak! ladies don't seem to be willing to ditch their orbiters (emotional plates) even after marriage so why do you need him to ditch his plates to explore the possibility of a relationship?
[deleted] 11y ago
The female sexual strategy and the male sexual strategy conflict with each other in certain areas. Men want to know they won't be giving up their freedom in vain, RP women want to know that they won't be obtaining another 'notch' carelessly. A good man knows how to identify a good woman without needing her to jump into bed. A good woman displays her worth/skill outside the bedroom, so she doesn't need to jump under the sheets in order to secure a man. Anyway, "sleep with him first and cross your fingers" is a bad strategy that unfortunately too many women seem to rely on (which is how they end up as plates).
A RP woman is looking for a good, LTR/marriage minded gentleman. He may or may not know anything about RP ideas. Not every user on TRP is a good LTR candidate, which is fine because many of the users don't want a long-term relationship or marriage. Some simply want to spin plates, or focus on improving themselves.
Given your strategy, you are not a good man (to 'gamble' on you would be a very bad decision for any RPW). I'm not using 'good' as in indicator of morality, nor am I saying that you are a bad person. 'Good' in this case indicates a person that's a 'reasonable/sensible/promising' prospect for a RPW to pursue. The fact that you use such a short timeline to disqualify women indicates to me that you are focusing on the wrong things (if you want a long-term relationship). If, on the other hand, you're only concerned with is accumulating plates and having sex - then your approach works well (and is effective). You don't want to waste time/money/effort on a woman that doesn't seem responsive - but you have to understand that your approach focuses on the short-term, while RPW are only thinking in the long-term.
So /u/TempestTcup is right, Red Pill women don't want to date YOU.
TempestTcup 11y ago
We don't want to date YOU :)
See, this is how we weed out players; you have been exclusive for "many months". That doesn't cut it; we want "happily ever after until death".
bad_daddy80 11y ago
well we've been together two years now, I'll let you know in my obit if its till death to us part, that's what i want too
TempestTcup 11y ago
Whatever - you tell my girls to be sluts again and you are banned.
TheTerrorSquad 11y ago
Lol she fucked you on the first date and now you've been exclusive for "many months " dude get back to us in two years with a progress report.
Thing is you don't demand commitment on your first date together you just make sure you're good enough that he'd WANT to go on the next date and so on. Your girl game needs to be on point. Tbf if I met a guy that was so adamant he has sex on the first time I'm out with him or he won't see me again I'd take that as a red flag. A high value man doesn't act so desperate they love the chase and have time for it because in all honesty can bang most girls at the drop of a hat
High value men aren't commenting "I love your pink nips " on Gonewild plus lol Facepalm
Redrog1 11y ago
Sorry, but this isn't so straight forward. Lots of girls decide to play "decent girl" after enjoying the CC. I've seen guys broken inside out because they find out their decent girl, the girl they thought was worthy of dedicating time, resources and effort, got tired of playing decent girl after a few years.
In fact, I would bet a good bunch of rpw are reformed decent girls instead of always since the beginning decent girls. I can hear the hamster saying that all the previous cock does not count because they did not know any better... Right...
Anyways, we all have to take our poison.
bad_daddy80 11y ago
this is it exactly! so many good girls are actually reformed that you just can't trust that this one is an actual raised right good girl. it must be assumed that your dealing with a former cc rider.