(I'm usually a lurker, so please let me know if I'm doing something wrong. Also this is the second time I've written this, because the first time I accidentally closed the tab. Noo!)
My boyfriend and I are at the same university. We share a lot of the same friends, which delights both of us, except sometimes we both wonder if we're social enough. In general I have a hard time making friends, especially female friends. I'm very shy and introspective, whereas he describes himself very aptly as a social chameleon. As I get more in touch with my femininity and RPW self, I wish I had more lady friends. The one female friend I do have is wonderful, and she's mentioned to me a couple times that she thinks I would fit in at her sorority and I should rush. I've considered sororities before and I think it would be great to have sisters, but...
My boyfriend and I both have real reservations about Greek life. We/I don't like partying, clubbing, or dressing provocatively. We're not big drinkers; we might get drunk in private every four months. The biggest worry for both of us is that I might be pressured to break up with him, since he is (and will remain) non-Greek. I don't think I would ever break up with him, but he still worries I will, so this is a concern brought up whenever we talk about it.
Have any RPW been in sororities? What's your experience and advice? Is there a reliable way I can discern through the party sororities? Is there a better way I could find a group of RPW or feminine female friends?
What is the problem? I want to join a sorority because I think it might be a good way to build friendships with feminine/RPW women. It freaks my non-Greek boyfriend out, and I have my own reservations.
What are your faults? How have you contributed to the creation of these issues? It really is my fault. I can't let this idea go for some reason.
Why do you think this (these) problem(s) manifested? I guess I'm lonely and somewhat frustrated with my current friend group. They're all very wonderful and awesome, but I want female friends. (There's no jealousy problems by the way, since they are his friends too.)
What steps have you already taken to try and resolve the problem? I've been trying to cultivate non-Greek friendships, but I'm very shy and reserved. I've been trying to be more RPW and loving in our daily lives too.
How long has this been an issue? I've considered it for a couple years but only seriously considered it in the last few months.
Are you making a mountain out of a mole-hill? If a woman you really despised came to you with this issue, would you still think it's a legitimate concern? Or would you tell her she's throwing things out of proportion? I guess I am - the problem isn't that I want to join a sorority, it's that I want feminine friends (to help with my own femininity) and have no idea how to do that outside of sororities. It often feels like I don't have many friends at all, because the friends I do have are more like brothers, and I don't want to force my boyfriend to be my entire social circle.
How's your bedroom life right now? Are you taking care of his needs emotionally and physically? Better than before, actually.
tl;dr: How do I make female friends?? Is this all in my head?
[deleted] 10y ago
Your experience in sororities will vary wildly based on the sorority and the school. At the last university my husband was in, the sorority girls were nasty, vapid women who rode the CC like it was their last day on earth.
Now he has transferred to a better college, and the sororities here are much different. The girls here seem classy, well behaved and feminine. If I were still a student and were going to school here I would certainly consider it.
My suggestion is to do your research. All greek houses have a reputation, good or bad. It doesn't take much nosing about to find out which sororities are decent. I will warn you though; they are in many cases expensive and time consuming to participate in. If your BF is an LTR that you want to continue to nourish, I would get his opinion and thoughts on the matter first.
If you want to make more female friends without the greek life then I suggest volunteering. It's a productive use of your time, a resume booster and very satisfying. My favorite type of service work is with the elderly, because many of them are terribly lonely and the older women and men can be a good source of wisdom for the more traditional leaning ladies. Plus you might meet other ladies volunteering too.
Camille11325 10y ago
As you say closer to the end of your post, your issue seems to be loneliness and a desire for more feminine friends, not a desire to join a sorority. Have you taken any steps to make more female friends? Extracurricular activities such as clubs, guest speakers, a capella performances, and sports games are all great places to meet similarly minded women. Are you involved on campus already? It's still the beginning of the year so it wouldn't be weird to take up new activities. Check your school's website to stay up to date on what opportunities are available to you.
You say that you're introverted, and this is fine, but you are going to have to put in effort if you want to turn your social situation around. A cooking club might be a nice place to meet new people, also I bet a lot of feminine women participate in child related activities such as tutoring or working with the Boys and Girls Club. My school's Spanish department offers salsa dancing lessons and has nights where a band comes and hundreds of people salsa together. If your school has anything similar it could be a cool place to meet new friends as well.
What year are you? If you are a junior or senior I definitely do not support going through sorority recruitment. If you are a sophomore, and you have recruitment next semester, know that it will be extremely difficult to get a bid since most of the spaces are for freshmen. If you do not have that many friends in sororities already, going through recruitment as a sophomore will most likely not result in you being accepted into a house. Even though one friend mentioned the possibility of you being her sister, the entire process would not allow for her one opinion to seriously sway the minds of her sisters if they feel you are not a good fit.
If you are a freshman, then that increases your chances, but if you are too quiet and not charismatic during recruitment week, you won't see the results that you want. Also, if you aren't involved on campus, you won't have much to talk about or be able to stand out in comparison to the other girls. When you go to each house during the first round, you shouldn't focus on or talk about parties at all. Your role as a potential new member is to put your best foot forward and show them why you would make a good sister. It will be obvious which chapters you have a connection with. If they like you, you will get invited back. The process is great at matching each girl with her best fit.
If you do get into a sorority, there is no need to worry about how this will impact your relationship, as long as you continue being a good girlfriend and don't put the chapter before him. You do not have to go to frat parties to be in a sorority. There are mixers, date parties, and formal events that may be mandatory, but for all except for mixers, you will be able to bring your boyfriend. I'm not sure how serious Greek life is at your school, but I'm in the south so it is intense, and there are plenty of sorority girls who are involved with unaffiliated men. My relationship is currently long distance so at night I skype my boyfriend instead of going out and it is fine. I am not shunned by my sisters or anything.
Wow this is so long sorry! I guess I can say more once you've responded, if you feel I haven't covered everything. Hope this is helpful!
Engineergirl22 10y ago
I will definitely say that my sorority has been helpful in finding some feminine friends, and just friends in general, but I would suggest doing your homework as to the reputations of the houses on your campus. I would suggest getting to know some of the girls before going through recruitment because during recruitment it is much harder to get a feel if it is more of a party house.
As far as having a non greek SO, I have never once felt any pressure from anyone in my chapter to break up with him, quite the opposite actually. Everyone was very supportive of all of the relationships of their sisters, because we wanted to see them happy.
the amount of partying and drinking that goes on in greek life is true, but it is not a prerequisite to be a part of greek life. I went to one fraternity party before I met my SO, and it wasn't my thing so I didn't go to anymore. Instead I chose to hang out with the girls in the chapter who would rather go see a movie and get frozen yogurt or all cook dinner together one night.
Now all of this may be different at your school because it varies from campus to campus, but in my experience greek life is what you make of it so I would gather as much info as you can and then sit down and discuss it with your SO.
Lilia42 10y ago
Greek life is different at every school, I don't know what it was like at yours.
I loved my sorority and my sisters. I wasn't encouraged to dress slutty or drink a lot. It was nothing like media portrays it. And there was definitely no pressure about having to date someone Greek!
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