Hi... I'm a longtime lurker of this forum and I have been striving for almost a year with my S/O to have this captain/first mate dynamic that TRP/RPW individuals have adopted. It's hard to make the transition but so far has been worth it.
I guess I just feel like I am having a dilemma and need help reasoning through things. My best friend and I are both 22. She has been married for about 3 years, to her high school sweetheart that she has been with since they were 15. He is currently in the military and stationed on the East Coast while we are on the West Coast, but she will not relocate to be with him because she has a career that's getting off the ground here because of a really good job opportunity she was given and says they are both saving up financially for the future.
I've talked to her about things like, who helps her husband with the things around his home? How does he get by when his physical needs aren't addressed? But somehow, they are both happy, neither of them see other people. He doesn't go out looking for other women, they talk every night.
I don't feel like her SO is Blue Pill or submissive, but they also don't have the dynamic that you all have and that I have been striving toward. My friend says that they just both make sacrifices for the sake of their future, because that's how they show dedication in their relationship. And they both are successful and happy and love one another.
I guess learning about their situation has made me feel a little confused. How does that fit in? What should a RPW make of it?
BluepillProfessor 10y ago
This type of relationship is fairly common in military families. They expect their SO to be stationed overseas, sometimes for YEARS at a time. I don't pretend to understand it and I always just assumed they had a rule- she rides the CC while he is away and he goes by the scouts honor rule (its not cheating if your SO is in another State at the time). I don't understand it either but more of them seem to be happy than in other relationships.
[deleted] 10y ago
It's their life and if it's working for them, that's great. It's hard to remember not to give unsolicited advice when you care about someone. RP theory isn't for everyone. It's best to keep that in mind.
littlevoiceroar 10y ago
Thank you, first of all. I think that's definitely something I need to keep in mind. I guess where I just feel confused is more that... I'm trying to adapt myself to have a more RPW lifestyle, and having difficulty reasoning with myself how that works, and the fact that it's okay too.
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[deleted] 10y ago
You seem to be lost then, this is the RPW forum - where we apply RP theory to relationships.
[deleted] 10y ago
They have the same priorities, and they are thinking long-term, there's nothing wrong with that. It fits because it works for them, and they're both happy. Long-Distance relationships are extremely hard, and since he is in the Military, I think it's good that they can cope with being away from one another for stretches of time. Military relationships/marriages come with a host of unique situations that require careful navigation. Let them be happy, there may (or may not) come a time when your friend will need your guidance and insight. Now is not that time.
bourkleton 10y ago
That's all you need to know. Time to leave it alone and be happy for your friend.
TempestTcup 10y ago
It's a long distance relationship, and it seems to be working for them. There aren't any hard rules here, only general advice to make your relationship happier. They seem happy.
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ALadyLikeMe 10y ago
My guess is that because they've been dating since try were so young, they both appreciate some time to themselves and the chance to live independently. Guys in the military are used to living apart from their wives (tho usually it's when they're deployed) but he's probably taking care of himself in a bachelor style way, which will make him appreciate his GF more when they finally move in together.
Personally I think LDRs are very tough and risky. I was with my high school sweetheart for 2 years LDR when I went to college and thought it was just part of the sacrifice. But he was too beta to keep me interested and hypergamy got the better of us (didn't cheat, but eventually left him for a more alpha man). Originally I thought I was a sort of hopelessly romantic LDR victim, but eventually I realized I had chosen a LDR so I couldn't complain about my lack of intimacy. I could do something about it and either make the sacrifice needed to be with him or choose to be in a local relationship.
In the end it still depends on her BFs frame and it's just an extra challenge to keep hypergamy at bay from a distance.
littlevoiceroar 10y ago
What I struggle with is that they both say that they're still completely monogamous. I think maybe they're just in a different place in their lives, so that's okay with them. I guess I'm trying to help myself realize I shouldn't look at their relationship through my own lens, but at the same time I can't help myself.
Like, from an RPW perspective, do you all think their situation is healthy? Take a "that's good for them, just not for me" stance?
valleycupcake 10y ago
Maybe I differ from some of he wonderful ladies here in this regard, but I think RPW theory is about the nature of men and women and is thus true for every couple (at least every straight couple) whether or not they choose to acknowledge it. Nevertheless, your advice on the matter is unlikely to be welcome or heeded unless it is asked for.
That said, they could still have a healthy relationship if they are framing everything in a long-term perspective. But I would also imagine that the husband is either very LL or is watching a lot of porn.
APrivatephilosophy 10y ago
The monogamy thing--no. He's definitely not, and she may or may not be either. But he is definitely having his physical needs addressed by someone and will probably never admit it to anyone. He's probably even not admitting his cheating to himself. But as someone who grew up in and around the military, there are almost no couples who don't cheat. I know hundreds of people who are or were married military couples and literally zero of them were ever faithful.
Anyone honest who is associated with military couples will say the same. Officers, enlisted, everyone is sleeping with someone. Officers wives generally put up with it differently than enlisted ones, but yes. If you're confused about it, I can tell you that there is a 100% certainty he either is or has or will cheat. Literally everyone does it either continuously or a one night stand here and there. The lifestyle is condoned.
This is where someone pops up and says they knew for certain that their spouse or family member didn't cheat on them or the wife/husband or whatever. That's a lie. In the military, 1/2 of ever couple cheats and then lies to themself, the spouse, the cheated spouse lies to herself, etc.
RedPillWife_June2014 10y ago
What is this based on?
littlevoiceroar 10y ago
To be honest, I actually know a lot of military couples who I reasonably believe were faithful, but the characteristic they shared was that the wife lived very close by, and also, the military member was the type who wasn't career - they wanted to just let their contract run out so they could use their G.I. Bill and go to school. Those individuals, I feel are just not willing to get too attached to military culture and lifestyle.
APrivatephilosophy 10y ago
If he ever went away for TDY or was deployed, one or both of them cheated. I guarantee it.