My current girlfriend has been with more partners/SOs than I have, by virtue of being older than me by a decent margin. And I just turned twenty.
So can any woman on RPW tell me on what it's like for you to choose who you love? My girlfriend loves very intensely, it seems; quick to the commitment symbols. But I don't believe it's me, or just me. She seemed to give this same kind of affection to the relationships in her past. It kind of cheapens the whole devotional aspect of her affections. I'm not jealous of these guys, but I personally feel a bit smothered. So I want to understand how it works for a woman.
Amissmiss 10y ago
She sounds insecure. There are women out there that will turn it up to 11 if she thinks you are about to leave her. If you like her a lot, you could try to make her feel more grounded as a couple. Doing things like making statements about the future can help to those ends like, "There's a band coming to town next month that I'd like to go see, will you go with me?"
Otherwise, I would just talk to her about her technique. Tell her she doesn't have to try so hard, or move on if her brand of love isn't what does it for you. Heck, your only 20.
unikitten 10y ago
Women are different - it doesn't work the same for all women, as you can see by the responses here.
For me, I didn't choose who I loved... I fell in love, and it was completely unexpected. It wasn't something I decided, it was something I realized. So asking us to tell you how we 'choose' who we love isn't quite accurate (though choosing whether or not to have a relationship with the person we love can/may be a different thing)
You say you're feeling smothered - have you expressed that to her?
PurpleVNeck 10y ago
Personally, I can say that I only love one person at a time, and when I choose to love them, I stay committed and put in effort until the relationship ends (for whatever reason). Is my current BF my first love? No. Do I love him? Tons. I get fuzzy feelings in my stomach even just getting a text. Do I still think about any guys I dated before? Sometimes they cross my mind, sure, but never in a romantic context.
Obviously I can't speak for your gf or other women, but that's my experience, and I hope it reassures you.
[deleted] 10y ago
Keep in mind, last time I dated was in my very early twenties...
I'm much like your girlfriend, in that when I fell in love, I fell in love rather intensely. I was sort of an "all in or nothing" type girl. I felt very passionately about the guys I loved until I didn't.
It's hard to explain. I'm just a very emotionally intense person.
If she's like me, she really is being genuine. You can focus on the fact that she has an incredible amount of loyalty to those she dates. She's not the non-committal, hypergamy-addicted cheater type.
TDCRedPill 10y ago
How confident are you about the correlation between the quick to fall and and less hypergamous behavior?
The model I've been working with puts the quick to fall type with the more hypergamous; quicker to want to secure a branch and quicker to hop to a better one. It has always seemed to me that the 'all or nothing' type will be hooked in the beginning quickly, and when the honeymoon period is over, will convince herself that the feels are now nothing, and grab another branch for the new honeymoon period and getting the 'all' feels again. It's also easier to hamster the choice because of the wildly different feels now present.
I'm not saying you're wrong, just trying to explain why I have difficulty accepting that conclusion. If you have a different view or could help explain more the link between the quick head over heels types and long term loyalty, I'd like to hear it.
[deleted] 10y ago
I must admit, my analysis is completely solipsistic, and you could be entirely right. My only experience as a "quick to fall" girl is being loyal to a fault.
I did get rather bored with old relationships after a while, but looking back, I can see it was because they became way beta compared to what they were in the beginning.
[deleted] 10y ago
Well it depends on the girl. Some women have more choices than others for many different reasons. Women who are very attractive and family oriented have the most options. You have to realize that on the other scale of things are different. I believe women who are very ugly and career oriented have less options than most men do.
As for me and love I feel that love is a fleeting thing. When I'm with someone I'm 500% there until some sort of deal breaker happens. Then I'm 500% running in the opposite direction. I haven't been in a ton of relationships though. It just seems a lack of trust is what ends up sabotaging the whole thing eventually.
[deleted] 10y ago
Well this is unlikely to give you much insight into your relationship with your girl because I love carefully. Very very carefully.
I might have been in love once, I can't even be sure because a death in the family around that time essentially ruined me and any hope of me being outside my head enough to love someone.
But just before that tragedy, I felt like I could maybe let myself think it, maybe even say it. But I remember being constantly full of doubts and feel one way one week and totally different the next, or even day by day. I knew I liked him, but only half the time did I know I loved him. And I never got to find out if that would change, if we really were compatible for an actual, serious, LTR in which I could love him with zero doubts because, well, depression is shit for relationships ha
Edit: just wanted to add that this was a couple years ago and I feel almost 100% mentally healthy again :) if anyone cared ha
LFCaptain 10y ago
Everyone is different, regardless of gender.
Maybe your girlfriend is just a very intense emotional person. Are you at all concerned that she feels that love for someone other than you currently?
Can you define what it is that is smothering you and why did her other relationships end? It could be that she is going overboard out of a fear that you will leave her or you might think she doesn't care for you.
If you can define what it is that bothers you, you can try and change her behaviour. RP men could give you better detailed suggestions but put your foot down on it one way or another. She probably has no idea that she is doing anything wrong so you will have to tell her. We can be oblivious to our own behaviour and unless you take control of the situation it will escalate.
I think once you figure out what the issue is you should ask in the other sub for specific advise. Just be mindful of her self esteem if you want to continue the relationship and she isn't aware of the red pill type beliefs. You do run the risk of pushing her in the other direction of no affection at all.