For the entire forums, I am Goingthedistance, the mayor of loserville when i joined the forums a few years back. I had no women in my life, no friends, no career and nothing much. I was depressed but not thinking about ending it, i was just living life at an idle pace, not waiting for something, not expecting something to happen.
And then, i got my motorcycle, a stupid vehicle that forced me to get out of the house on a daily basis, I found friends, meetups, acquaintances, my stupid demeanor ended up being one of my highlights. The fact that i took no shit from people made me more friends, the fact i was kind and warm to people made me even MORE MORE friends.
And then, on a random tuesday, the mayor of loserville here, met his first girl, at age 30, and she was 18, yeah, yeah, age gaps womp womp. She was cute, and fun, and warm, and my level of crazy and childish. We did not click so easy, it took two dates but it was there, and once we clicked, nothing really mattered, she was my BFF she was my soul and for 7 months, she was my girl, met my parents, i met hers, lived with me, ate from the same plate as me, we were, good. And just how it started, then it ended, one random day i just got a breakup text, then got blocked everywhere. No closure, no talk, nothing, just gone.
I found out later that she regretted that breakup but it doesn't really matter. She dated some moron for 5-6 months after me, but he was not me, not on my level ( as narcissistic as that might sound ). And then, life decided to give me something that nobody prepared me for. Not the red pill, not Mark Manson not Jordan Peterson and not David Goggins.
She FUCKING DIED
Yeah, my little kitten, after being 19 years old for a few months, fucking died, splattered on a cold forest road. Because she was a pasager to some moron that thought was the hot shit. And they both, died, on that cold road.
And nobody, NOBODY, FUCKING NOBODY prepared me for this, not a single soul in my life, on this forum, or the books you recommended, not one thing saw this coming.
The night she died, they called me, not her "new" ex, they called me, fucking ME. I was the EX, I WAS THE FUCKING ONE THAT HAD HER
And I got cold blooded and i called her mother with tears in my eyes telling her she might not have a daughter anymore. Something snapped inside me that night, something broke and i don't think it will ever be fixed, for the first time, maybe, I was the man in charge of everything and everyone. I was the one, that did the unpleasant shit but did what was right, without even thinking.
How's this for a red pill huh? HOW'S IT DOING? Where's your game now? where's your fucking theory and shit, where's YOUR FUCKING GOD?
God was on my side at that night, showing me how strong i could be, how much of a man i could be, to let aside my feelings, my hate towards her, my sorrow and pain for her death, and just call her family, call her friends, and deal with everything on my own.
If there's something to learn from this is this: You have no fucking time, go do your shit, ask her out, tell her your feelings, fuck up at work. She was 19, she had time to make amends with me, until she hadn't. The only one doing the talking now is me, at her grave, and no matter what i say, she ain't coming back, i just ease her pain and mine.
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
Ok man, that's genuinely tough, it really is.
We often feel a deep bond with our first, and hope that it works again. As men we hold out hope for a reconciliation for a long, long time - wishing for the good times to return.
I don't know where you stand on evo psych, but there are good reasons for this. Partly it's based on scarcity - good times with attractive girls are usually rare. Possibly based on "she's still the mother of my children", and in evolutionary terms (pre birth control), she would have kids by now.
I doubt this helps you much except to say your feelings are real and normal, and I bet a lot of people in your life are not understanding enough about them.
As I read through the first half of your post, I was thinking "yeah, this guy needs to get another girl or three".... and then I got to the punchline and that advice rings hollow. Except it doesn't. It's still true. You're so raw about this because she was your first (and so far only, I think) girl.
The grieving won't ever fully go away, but it will lessen and you'll be more able to cope and function normally, eventually.
I'll end with this: This is genuinely tough, it really is. You've had some rough times, and well done for surviving it. That's all you have to do. Just survive.
MentORPHEUS Senior Endorsed 1mo ago
Excellent reply, Matty. I'll add to it from my own life experiences and observations: Regardless of the profound depth of this experience forms and shapes you as a man and human individual...
DO. NOT. EV-ER!!! speak of this experience and your strong feelings resulting from it, to ANY WOMAN, ever! I can't overemphasize how not only useless and misguided, but counterproductive and harmful a seemingly tender and open/honest moment of vulnerability can get turned against you.
One example, my third girlfriend ever, pretended neutral emotion while hearing me express it about the 2nd GF, only to store it away in her gunny sack of Cuntella DeVille tricks, only to dump it and the rest of the accumulated contents of said sack over my head nearly a year later, when she was in the midst of losing a relationship crisis of her own making by overconfidently bitching too close to the sun. It became obvious in that instance, that she experienced it as a negative with regard to her opinion of and respect for me.
Second case: My Dad got within a week of marriage, invitations sent ceremony planned everything, when his fiancee flounce and went no contact.
Not long after, he met my Mom and they married to what played out as till his death decades later do they part. Notwithstanding the fact that my Mom "won" this not even a competition, on the extremely rare occasion this history came up literally decades after the fact, it was obvious that my Mom still nurtured a flame of visceral disgust with ZERO capacity for empathy much less a scintilla of sympathy over the effect it had on my Dad way back at the time.
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
I've had a range of experiences.
I could trot out the horrific girl who literally demanded immediate help with cleaning, after I'd spent five hours driving her while I was grieving a family loss, and she literally shouted at me for being slightly tired and needing a few minutes to sit down. Instant dealbreaker for me right there, no second chances, do not pass go, and certainly do not collect $200.
But I've also had a couple of genuinely good ones, who have been able to feel some amount of understanding, without it impacting our relationship negatively.
As a tendency, they are vastly less sympathetic than they would have us believe. But some are better and some are worse than others.
AWALT. But with variation.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
I remember being inexperienced in the past and everything to do with relationships was a core emotional experience with me. Even if I didn't have much history with women
When your experience is only so deep every drop in the cup seems like a lot.
The more experience you get the larger the container becomes and even a dump of water into a bucket or a tub won't fill you it as much as the cup you started with
When you have more experience it takes more to overwhelm a guy.
Your grief is valid but your criticisms of TheRedPill are not.
At best the criticism comes from a denial stage or anger stage of unplugging, which is causing you even more grief and frustration rather than seeing TheRedPill for what it is
All of us were once deeply inexperienced and learning how to pave our way as men and through repeated failed relationships, building ourselves up, and understanding our worth we gained a more accurate picture of other people relative to our experience and value.
We learn to let go of old relationships that didn't work out or realizing we could have done better or that the past needs to stay in the past best we can manage
It's fine to be sad over this since it was one of the few women you've ever had a significant interaction with but to drag TheRedPill because it doesn't adequately bridge you to something it's not even designed to help with isn't it
You criticize it because you haven't lived a red pill mindset long enough to internalize what it's supposed to be. And understanding the thing you fault would serve you better than being crushed by the tsunami of grief you are experiencing through a lens of relative inexperience
You think you've lived a sufficiently long RedPill life because you read RP and got game, but that is not what makes a man Red-Pilled. It takes repeated experiences to fully swallow it, and a grim and gruesome end to a former partner from a relationship that had already long-ended is dark and impactful but it's not a major contribution to a man's mastery of red pill theory as TheRedPill isn't about trauma.
She's been removed from your life enough for long enough that experience would have altered how you felt about it and TheRedPill would have helped you get there if you had the experience for it
Too often men try to shoe-horn personal experiences into the umbrella of red pill as if red pill answers everything.
It's best not to conflate traumas and personal issues outside of the realm of sexual strategy with red pill theory, which is supposed to only answer sexual strategy and male identity, not trauma and grief. TheRedPill isn't some broad be-all, end-all destination for explaining or resolving everything in life
You're only going to find frustration and confusion with TheRedPill by trying to somehow make everything about TheRedPill when it isn't
You wouldn't use biology to write a song, you shouldn't use red pill to process psychological trauma.
Heal from your pain but understand that you're posting from a place largely of not having enough experience in the game to have alternate thoughts and interpretations about an old flame that didn't work out passing away
You shouldn't be using TheRedPill to process shock and grief, that is not what TheRedPill is for
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Well... Of course, because that isn't what TheRedPill is for
[deleted] 1mo ago
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MentORPHEUS Senior Endorsed 1mo ago
A phrase I once heard that has proven useful many times: Life is for the living. Not denying that loss of someone once close makes for a major gut punch. But, it's imperative that you find your way to an acceptance of this harsh reality, that doesn't allow it to take away from the life you have in the present and stretching far ahead. Humans have evolved rituals and mechanisms around such universal events, that help facilitate processing and closure for those close to the departed. Funerals, prayers, memorials come to mind. Trying to simply quash and bury the emotions provoked only postpones and multiplies the pain. Find ways to face and work through it, with a goal of coming out the other side with acceptance, not hindered and burdened indefinitely.
First-light 2 1mo ago
That is sad news. Sorry to hear you are shaken up. You clearly still loved her.
I think one problem with being the ex is that you can't really own the grief publicly like you can if you are the one who's turn it was when she died. But if you still love her its still going to hurt just as much but without a good outlet.
This might not help but it helped me when my wife died to reflect that in the end there is no such thing as a happy ending. Only options are; boy leaves girl, girl leaves boy, boy dies, girls dies or they are both killed at once. Doesn't really sound like a happy ending any which way. It doesn't feel fair when someone young dies but then its good to remember how fortunate it is that we are still alive then the young and beautiful are dead.